In short
Napoleonic land warfare as “rock-paper-scissors” (cavalry, infantry, artillery), then the Ulm campaign and culminating in the Battle of Austerlitz (Dec 2, 1805), plus the Continental System and the Peninsular War’s opening (French invasion of Portugal and Wellington’s arrival).
Guests
Horatio Gould (hosted as “joined by Horatio Gould”); no other named guests appear in the transcript.
Guest backgrounds
Horatio Gould is presented as a co-host/participant in the Finverse History series; no biographical details are provided in the transcript.
Key claims
Napoleon’s dominance comes from mass conscription, speed, and combined-arms “traps” that force enemy mistakes; Austerlitz is portrayed as a decisive tactical masterclass using mist concealment, a feigned weak flank, and a cavalry-and-artillery follow-up that shatters Allied forces on a frozen lake.
Notable examples
Ulm encirclement of an Austrian field army; Austerlitz’s Pratzen Heights deception and artillery firing on retreating troops across ice; the Continental System to bankrupt Britain; Junot’s invasion of Portugal; Wellington defeating the French twice in 1808 and the Convention of Cintra controversy.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VORecap and Transition to New Focus
0:45 to 1:33
Recap of previous discussions and setting up the focus on Waterloo.
“Star Wars The Mandalorian and Grogu is now streaming on Disney+.”
Exploring Napoleonic Warfare
2:01 to 3:30
Discussion on the nature of Napoleonic warfare and its allure.
The Dynamics of Battle: Rock Paper Scissors
3:31 to 5:40
Understanding the strategic elements of Napoleonic land warfare.
“They've turned around and he's gone, fuck it.”
Psychology in Warfare
5:41 to 9:20
Discussion on how psychological elements affect battlefield decisions.
“Apparently, if you pretend to punch someone before you do rock, paper, scissors, then they're more likely to do scissors.”
Napoleon's Eastward March and Tactics
9:21 to 14:00
Examining Napoleon's movements and strategies against coalitions.
“When you pour the yolk into the fish cake.”
Foraging and Movement Strategies
14:00 to 15:10
Discussing the foraging tactics and movement strategies of Napoleon's troops.
“Like it's a village where someone's on fire and they're passing a bucket of water on a huge line.”
The Ulm Campaign Overview
15:10 to 16:18
An overview of the Ulm campaign and Napoleon's rapid movements.
“But 1805, this is Napoleon, like Messi, has multiple primes in his career.”
Austrian Miscalculations and Encirclement
16:18 to 18:12
Explaining how Napoleon encircled the Austrian army due to their miscalculations.
“Because he is just really fast that he impinses the Austrians, encircles them, and then just signed a treaty and Austria just knocked out through pure speed.”
Russian Involvement and Strategic Goals
18:12 to 19:28
Discussion on Russia's involvement in the coalition against Napoleon.
“The reason the Russians aren't there is that they're using a different calendar.”
Terrain and Strategy Before Austerlitz
19:28 to 22:46
The importance of terrain in Napoleon's battle strategies leading to Austerlitz.
“So, by December 1805, Napoleon is trying to pin down the Russians to actually have a ding dong.”
Show all 27 chapters
The Night Before Austerlitz
22:46 to 24:06
Setting the scene before the pivotal Battle of Austerlitz.
“No, because I'm straight and I just get on with it.”
Napoleon's Genius and Traps
24:06 to 26:31
Exploring Napoleon's strategic genius and how he lured the Russians into a trap.
“I'm the most susceptible to these things.”
Decisive Confrontation and Battle Dynamics
26:31 to 28:00
The dynamics of the confrontation between Napoleon and the Russian forces.
“alright we're going to have to do 11 episodes anyway so Napoleon the researcher's head is in her hands I was messaging her at 10pm last night about this script out the window 10 minute riff on olive oil do you like me?”
Napoleon's Tactical Genius at Austerlitz
28:00 to 32:42
Explore how Napoleon executed a masterful strategy at the Battle of Austerlitz.
“Do you remember when I talked about how I have sex?”
The Impact of Austerlitz on European Politics
33:56 to 42:01
Understand the consequences of Napoleon's victory at Austerlitz on European politics and alliances.
“The must-see galactic adventure comes home on Disney+.”
Franz Reichel's Tragic Self-Amputation
42:01 to 42:30
Learn about the bizarre and tragic story of Franz Reichel's self-amputation.
“Yeah, and then he just has a go at amputating them, and then he dies of sepsis like a week later.”
Wellington vs. Napoleon: The Rise of a British General
42:31 to 43:58
Discover the contrasting characters of Wellington and Napoleon during the Peninsular War.
“So in 1807, long before he self-defense strates, Juno invades Portugal.”
Wellington's Arrogance and Military Tactics
43:59 to 45:15
Explore Wellington's worldview, aristocratic background, and military strategies.
“He would basically, he would demand silver service and have private French chefs while his sort of scummy troops were eating rations.”
Wellington's Early Campaigns and Challenges
45:16 to 47:17
Learn about Wellington's early victories and the bureaucratic challenges he faced.
“limiting suffrage to the wealthy elite yeah so he's like no no voting rights absolutely not that's a fire sale this is like conservatives against female suffrage arch conservatives against people with bad accents.”
The Birth of Guerrilla Warfare in Spain
47:18 to 49:12
Understand the emergence of guerrilla tactics in Spain against Napoleon's forces.
“but he launches an audacious attack across a river that he didn't actually know existed until he crossed it.”
The Brutality of the Spanish Resistance
49:13 to 51:10
Examine the harsh tactics used by the Spanish guerrillas against French troops.
“So this is like, this is cricket in an age of annihilation.”
Napoleon's Martial Response and the Spanish Campaign
51:11 to 54:51
Discuss Napoleon's military response to the Spanish uprisings and his tactical genius.
“Well, yes, this is the long road to Dali.”
Sir John Moore's Retreat: Dunkirk of the Peninsular War
54:52 to 56:03
Learn about Sir John Moore's legendary retreat in the Peninsular War and its challenges.
“Which is why I think he doesn't know when to stop.”
The Legendary Retreat at Corunna
56:03 to 58:26
Learn about the drastic retreat of British forces through the Galician Desert and the key events that unfolded at Corunna.
“So what, I didn't realize this, what happens now is essentially Dunkirk on steroids.”
Sir John Moore's Heroic Last Moments
58:26 to 59:27
Discover the dramatic and heroic final moments of Sir John Moore during the battle at Corunna.
“You're like, I'm not getting caught speeding again.”
Wellington's Rise and the Peninsular War
59:27 to 1:00:04
Explore how Sir Arthur Wellesley, later Duke of Wellington, prepared for the challenges ahead in the Peninsular War.
“But before we do, we must head east because Napoleon is at arguably the height of his powers.”
Napoleon's Next Moves: Operation Baguette Rossa
1:00:04 to 1:00:35
Understand Napoleon's strategic decisions leading to his invasion of Russia and the ensuing changes in the war.
“along with the entirety of this Napoleonic War series where we return to Wellington, Waterloo, all the good stuff.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Push your limits, train with precision, see the results. at Equinox that's high performance loving everything you need to lock in and unlock your potential at Equinox start today at equinox.com do you hear that? that sound right? that means that summer's officially here it means that grown adults just sprint into the street for a frozen dessert shaped like a cartoon but this summer Mint Mobile has a better treat every plan including unlimited is$15 a month and unlike ice cream it won't drip down your wrist or look nothing like the picture Does anyone have any cash? Give it a try at midmobile.com slash switch.
0:36Upfront payment of$45 for three months,$90 for six months, or$180 for 12-month plan required. $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. New customer offer for initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy. See terms. Star Wars The Mandalorian and Grogu is now streaming on Disney+. What are you waiting for? Hop on. The must-see galactic adventure comes home on Disney+. This is the way. Our only chance is to work together. I like this kid. Always wear your seatbelt.
1:33And that was five parts leading up to Trafalgar. And now we start five parts leading up to Waterloo.
1:54Welcome back to Finverse History. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. It's part six. Fellas, prostates out. get them out your ass i don't know what that means pink sock you'll need to we're gonna stay from back in we're we need to take your prostate out your ass pink socket have a look at it and put it back in yeah we've done trafalgar because we're now embarking we're right this is the thick of it right we could not be thicker yeah this is the midst yeah there's musket you're up all night my prostate's fucked it's imploded i've been my i don't piss anymore it falls out right it dribbles out because i've been reading through the battles that we're going to encounter this episode it's about more what you cut out than what you leave in really i've last night i went through it all i motorboated my tome yeah fellow school shooters so many battles too many he won them all yeah fellow school shooters hold your napoleon tomes i don't think many people have said fellow school shooters because it's not much of a community my school shooters now that's the problem with school shooters do they identify as school shooters i don't know if they i think they'd view themselves as like vigilantes or like fighting for justice i don't think it's like yeah i'm a school shooter no it's just it's like the word jew it can be a it depends which how much tank you put on yeah exactly school shooter i'm a school shooter we're a community of school shooters yeah fellow school shooters hold your napoleon tome high put your right hand on it uh get your penis out we're going to go through the battles of napoleon central europe okay this is a big one last chance ladies go away to recap uh napoleon and his his fleet has been defeated at trafalgar sure the french navy is effectively destroyed nelson is dead right but fear not he's given up on sea napoleon that's all that's over doesn't matter yeah fuck it i don't care yeah the army that was amassing at bourgogne that was waiting for the channel to be cleared.
3:53They've turned around and he's gone, fuck it. Let's go the other way. It's another Operation Sea Lion. Totally. We had plans that the invasion exists in a book and that's it, basically. So we're going east. Now, before we get into these battles, I would like to cook for a while on Napoleonic land warfare. Please. Because we've only really talked about it in the forum. The forum is yours. The Reddit forum is yours. The assembly hall is mine. I've got a gun. I have barricaded the door shut. Right. Okay. So you're going to listen to my manifesto and then I may let you leave. All right. That's how we're doing this.
4:33So now Napoleon, of course, had introduced mass conscription, one of the first people to do that. That is why he is so dominant is that he's got so many more men. But Napoleonic warfare on land, as you've said before in this series, is so enchanting to men because it's essentially, we can all understand how you do it. Right. Because it is basically just chess. Yeah. Very simplistic chess. It's satisfying because it's penetrable enough that you will fill in the gap saying, I would have done that as well. I know why he did that. And so I could do that. Well, I would have done that. I will do that.
5:08Because it's obvious. I'll show them all tomorrow at school. Because when you read it, it makes it sound like it was obvious. Yes. So it's nice thinking, well, I would have thought of that as well. But also when you're watching the animations with the arrows, which I was last night and Amanda went to bed long before I started doing that. This is where the arrows actually make sense. When you get to World War II, it's a fucking mess. You can't see what's going on. So, Napoleonic Warfare on land is a triangle. Yeah. Cavalry, artillery, infantry. Right. And it's a bit like rock, paper, scissors. Okay.
5:37In that you're trying to, some things beat other things. Right. Charlie, let me cook. Some things beat other things. It's not that. Why? What is it? Apparently, if you pretend to punch someone before you do rock, paper, scissors, then they're more likely to do scissors. You said this. I don't know why. In fact, we talked about this for 10 minutes in the pod before. Not on this pod, we haven't. We did. Really? Genuinely, yeah. Oh, my God. Because I think it's that they get scared and then like... You sure it's not your other podcast? Maybe it was the other podcast. I've never heard that before.
6:04A scissor is... Yeah, it's interesting. A scissor is more... It's not interesting. It's more powerful than a fist because it's made of metal. So the next thing you do rock, scissors... Who doesn't know that? Well, subconsciously, no one knows in many ways. right napoleonic warfare on land is essentially rock paper scissors i guess you can use that as a metaphor because there's a way if you the threat of force might make someone more go for a more attacking option when actually rock was the choice to make right you know okay there's there is something there is something napoleonic you know going like this saying i could do that means that they'd like that you've interrupted me my cooking sorry i was making a meal and now charlie's just knocked the pan in the bin okay so you're not getting fed is my point no sorry please please And I'm the king, so I'm meant to be able to cook.
6:48You know what kings are like? Always cooking. They're always cooking kings, yeah? As the youth say today. Anyway, prostates out, fellas. So, cavalry, artillery, infantry, right? And it's like rock, paper, scissors in that cavalry will massacre infantry if they're in a line. If infantry are in a defensive square, then the cavalry, the horses with the swords on top, they will just charge towards the square, but they'll get spooked because they won't willingly impale themselves. All right? So if you're in a defensive square, you're all holding your bayonets out and the horses don't go near it. But why wouldn't you do a defensive square then?
7:27Because it takes time to get into a defensive square. Yeah. Right? So if a cavalry charge surprises you out of the woods and you're in a line, you're fucked. It's a defensive bukkake, right? Please. you will turn your backs and you wank outwards yes exactly it's exactly it's paul golding at a bukhaki that's um that's entirely muslim men paul golding's going right well i'm not doing this sorry no it's a muslim woman isn't it it's a muslim woman and then the whole of britain first wanking around that's a defensive napoleon defensive square yeah very easy to understand okay then you have artillery now artillery loves nothing more than to shoot at a defensive square because it's a rigid they're tight together tight together yeah you know uh two birds one stone basically yeah you shoot a cannonball you can hit loads of different people right uh artillery does not like a line so what you're going to try and do oh that's good what napoleon would try and do is use combined arms prostates out fellas right because if you can trick if you can faint with your cavalry to make people form a square if you can basically yeah step over right you faint with the cavalry horses yeah right they form a square because they think they're going to be charged but then you unveil your artillery and just bomb them to shit checkmate that's pretty good i would have thought that that's what i mean this is great it's warfare that the layman the boring layman can understand so uh now essentially that's napoleonic warfare and why napoleon is so brilliant is that he can read his opponent's minds and he sets traps for them right in this era that we're talking about that they all fall into yeah because it's all about forcing the mistake right at this stage it's going i think if i do this then you'll do that and if you do that then i can do this and i'll win yeah so it is rock paper scissors you're completely right yeah it's rock paper scissors so yeah but instead of doing that it's more that's not hang on so what so it's more going like like as if you're going to do rock well so you go to punch someone in the face you pretend to punch them kind of anywhere i did the shoulder and um then you go like that and then then you immediately call the rock paper scissors on and then they will defensively is the psychology just because you've already shown them a fist i think it's just like they feel really threatened no no it's because you've shown them a fist so that's in their head but it's not a rock so they go oh he's i reckon he's going to do rock yeah but rock destroys scissors so i think i think it's just like i've got i need to get some all i can do is i need to get some scissors not i need to get that's something as napoleon once said don't interrupt the enemy while they're making your mistake I need to get some scissors or pretend to punch him in the face first I need some scissors Charlie quick question our listeners will be wanting to know do you when we say rock paper scissors what game are you playing and are actual scissors involved and actual rocks no no you just introduce more kind of mind stuff quickly tell everyone what you have for breakfast please I had two eggs rye bread half a fish cake and a whole pack of broccoli and porridge and bananas yeah it was pretty shocking all in one go A whole pack of tender stem broccoli before 9am.
10:35Half an old fish cake. That's fucking insane. When you pour the yolk into the fish cake. But why so many different meals? Really hungry. Homeless tapas, that is. Are you going to eat a big lunch? We've got massive lunch coming. I am, peach and ham. Yeah. Anyway, so with that in mind, Napoleon marches east because while Britain has dominated at sea, in order to stop him on land, William Pitt, the younger prime minister, has been financing coalitions of nations to stop him in Europe. He's Gaddafi-ing it. He is Gaddafi-ing it. This is when the British prime minister is Colonel Gaddafi, okay? William Pitt, the younger.
11:18So. Push your limits, train with precision, see the results. At Equinox, that's high performance loving. Everything you need to lock in and unlock your potential at Equinox. Start today at equinox.com.
11:55From payment of$45 for three months,$90 for six months, or$180 for 12-month plan required. $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. New customer offer for initial plan term only. Greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy. See terms. Star Wars The Mandalorian and Grogu is now streaming on Disney+. What are you waiting for? Hop on. The must-see galactic adventure comes home on Disney+. This is the way. Our only chance is to work together. I like this kid. Always wear your seatbelt. Star Wars The Mandalorian and Grogu now streaming on Disney Plus rated PG-13 he is financing this coalition between Austria, Russia, Sweden and a bunch of other who gives a shit states but so the aim is to destroy French military power through multiple front invasion however Napoleon is smart enough I'll show you I'll show all of you that he's going to go classroom to classroom okay he's got his ar-15 yeah he's gonna take out the fact if i take out the fat kid first then the skinny kids don't have anywhere to hide behind yeah you know he's clever like he doesn't get flack by geography class while he's destroying science class exactly right yeah i'm gonna use my muffled silencer for history class first so that no one hears me coming yeah right anyway so napoleon is able to move faster than any other army because uh he just is he just he just is actually and were you there?
13:20No. No explanation. Because he's just really fast. Because he's just quick as hell. He's just quick. You don't need to, it doesn't concern you. He's just, yeah. You don't need to know. None of your fucking business. Shut up. Go away. Stop listening. Because he just is. Because he just is. Have you ever heard that on an history podcast? And I've heard he was great at miniature tactics because he just was. He just is. He just is. He just is. And there's no, just shut up.
13:44Yeah. I wish Holland and Sandbrook would do that more. it just was because they did because why do you care it's not your business it was really fucking really fast no because his army didn't have supply lines right and so they were foraging as we said they were truffle pigs as Charlie said onions they were picking up onions just eating them like apples because they're stinky French cunts and then they would move faster they'd also be able to move like the Prussians for example at this day and age the Prussians are just moving in a fucking line. Yeah. Like it's a village where someone's on fire and they're passing a bucket of water on a huge line.
14:22Idiots. Yeah. Well, you should do it like you're searching for a missing girl. Exactly. Spread out. Why is that Geordie woman in the lake? Why is her dog fine? Now, Napoleon is marching east. Fast. Why is he so fast? Fuck off. He just is. Now, we get to the Ulm campaign. Ooh. Oh, prostate's out. Pink socket. I was Chachibit-ing some very childish things on the train on the way in. Like what? Best military commander of all time. Best, biggest, Napoleon's best victories. Yeah. I was just ranking stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Ulm came in second. Because this is, your generation can't understand stuff without putting in a list.
15:00I need a list. I need Jackmate to do a tier system. Jackmate. Right. Okay, Napoleon's battles. S tier, A tier, B tier. Right, we've got to go. Oh, Astrid is S tier. You've got to. Astrid is just the S tier, isn't it? You know? Ulm, A tier. Yeah, it's still good, but you know. But 1805, this is Napoleon, like Messi, has multiple primes in his career. He does. This is a career built with multiple primes, but this is probably his ultimate prime. This is 2012 Messi. This is 91 goals in the calendar season. This is unplayable. Unplayable. This is probably the prime of primes. It's Napoleon 1805. 1805 to 1807, Napoleon is unplayable.
15:36Yeah. Okay. So Austria knows he's coming, right? So Austria makes the first move, right? They go into Bavaria. but we're in the first Reich at this point yes now Austria believed France is still preparing for an invasion of Britain however Napoleon is so fucking fast because he just fucking is because he is right that he just basically encircles them before they even fight so he just goes all the way around this is one of the great encirclements of all time basically yeah the most successful encirclement he takes an entire Austrian field army out the game without killing many people any shots fired yeah he basically just encircles an entire Austrian army that was thinking he was ages away, but he was so fast because he just fucking is fast.
16:18Because he is. Because he is just really fast that he impinses the Austrians, encircles them, and then just signed a treaty and Austria just knocked out through pure speed. So they haven't even picked up the weapons. They've just been sitting chilling. Just chess. Just literal just chess, right? Can we have a, is there a map of the Orm? Get a map of the Orm campaign up, right? We don't need to know if Napoleon had Healy's, would that have helped? Wait, hold on. AI's got an answer. No, Healy's would not have helped Napoleon. Rolling on tiny plastic heel wheels across 90th century European muddy battlefields, cobbled roads and snow-filled Russian steps would have dramatically, would have drastically accelerated its defeat rather than securing a victory.
16:56I mean, I'll tell you what, AI is impressing me how it always answers the question. It always gives. And it's always, no. And in my head, that's the tone. No, please leave me alone. is it apart from any geographic stuff is it an aura issue as well can you know i think you could i think if you're winning battles i think you can make anything that might be seen lame you can reverse it reclaim it like if napoleon was healing his way to victory then suddenly the healy's would be a very aura farming thing to do are you saying healy's and i'm just saying if he no if napoleon wins austerlitz and then when they're doing the peace treaty he comes hands in his pockets and he he leaves in then it's sick it's sick it's absolutely sick now if he loses it if he's got we're coming that when they're negotiating waterloo i think you lose a bit of aura there yeah um right we haven't we've got so many battles right the listeners are pink socking themselves when i just want to see the arrows i want to see some of these arrows look at these arrows get these arrows arrow you uh napoleon encircles an entire austrian army the The other reason that he does this, right, the Austrians fuck it, in that they're waiting for the Russian allies for backup.
18:07But basically, Napoleon gets into that gap to basically encircle them before the Russians get there. The reason the Russians aren't there is that they're using a different calendar. So the Russian army is 12 days behind where the Austrians think they are. Yeah, they're using the Mayan calendar. Why are you using the Mayan calendar? Centuries old and so far away. uh austria is essentially knocked out of the coalition he then needs to move against russia now russia okay as is his want very very coy militarily it's always running away going oh no don't don't you get me nether regions that's what it wants it wants you to follow it into its deep dark mucky hinterland yeah oh no don't chase me yeah right but uh napoleon we in by december 1805, okay, he is looking for a decisive confrontation.
19:02A confrontation of annihilation. He wants to take Russia out of this conflict, but they're being so coy and, oh no, don't catch me. And what are Russia fighting Napoleon for at this point? Is it because they're part of the Third Coalition and it's because they're trying to Britain are paying them. Britain are paying them and they're just trying to contain Napoleon's quest for Liebing's realm in the East. Basically. Right. And so, this is all... What is French for Lieb and Traum? We have that.
19:36Espaces vital. Espaces vital. Espaces vital. Yeah. A bit more romantic. It's raining in my heart. Okay. So, by December 1805, Napoleon is trying to pin down the Russians to actually have a ding dong. Come here and fight me. The Russians keep running back. So what he does... He wants Ding to meet Dong. Hey? He wants Ding to meet Dong. He wants Ding to meet Dong. Ding? This is dong. Okay. Dong ding. Now I've introduced you over the email. I'm going to get off this thread. Okay. Take me off the thread. I don't care. I don't want to see the ding dong. Just ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, all the way down the email thread.
20:10Take me off. Right. So what he does is he sends envoys, okay, to the, I think this, but it's still a point. There's an Austrian, some allies with the Russians. It's mainly Russians, right? he sends peace envoys the whole time saying hey let's come to terms let's come to terms it's all good don't worry let's chill right meanwhile he discovers this field this terrain outside uh what's now berno in the modern day czech republic okay and near village of austerlitz prostate czech fellas it's still there it's still there just it's hanging on by a fucking thread so we plow on napoleon okay and as and what is also great about this era of warfare is that terrain is crucial so it's like cricket it's like a wicket inspection yes is today the day yeah is this field is there enough slope it dries it'll be good for spin bowlers a bit of a slope to it the law bowling up the slope that'd be good in these conditions so it's very very cold okay we come to december the 1st 1805 the night before the famed battle oh no was that that why that wasn't a power cut no that's the night time oh right i see i see okay let's let's set this so this is yeah right remember people are listening yeah i don't know if that feels that falls upon the prussian no you just you just turned off the lights off right i i don't think i like the creative initiative but turning the all the lights off i don't know that adds a feeling of night at a visual podcast people are just checking that their video feed is broken yeah they'll think the youtube video is broken anyway so the night it's night before it's the night before the battle of austerlitz free freezing yeah sorry what's that right it's been nighttime birds i'm trying to do nighttime in the czech republic charlie find a czech republic bird right and get a night call yeah Your best does not make me feel like it's night time.
22:13Right. We've got so much to get through. Yeah. I'm trying to help you so hard. Yeah. Bear in mind. This is the problem how big a breakfast. Because Charlie's been at sea this series. Because it's got so much history. We're going to have to do 11 episodes. He's had no chance to have interjections. We're going to have to do 11 episodes. And he's come in and he's determined to derail this. I could just tell. Yeah. We're going to have to. Night time is in Czech. Broccoli. In Prague. Let's just keep going. Yeah. Right. While he's distracted, we must move. It's misty. Okay. the birds the Czech birds are singing yeah right Napoleon rides through the French bivouacs cheering troops with lit torches and they're celebrating the first anniversary of his coronation because he's made himself emperor about a year ago is that the straightest a birthday can be basically yeah before you send them all to slaughter you yeah it's hard for a straight man to celebrate his birthday I genuinely I genuinely just but people celebrating your first anniversary of your coronation coronation as emperor.
23:10Yeah. That's pretty straight. That is pretty straight. I just went to the beach this time. How old are you? 35? 36. Just turned 36. Did I miss it? Yeah. I didn't say anything. No, because I'm straight and I just get on with it. I'd like you to tell me next time. Birthdays are a weakness. They are a weakness. They are. It's the soft underbelly of the year. Do you know what I got? I got drunk and then I, this is a 36 year old birthday for you. I got drunk. I was on holiday with the family so, you know, there's only so much fun you can have. Sure. I got drunk and then about 8pm I drunkenly subscribed to a new type of olive oil from I generally said fuck it I went oh fuck it this sounds like it made me live longer subscribed you got an olive oil subscription I have got a Sardinian volcanic polyphenol rich olive oil subscription from the crank doctor called dr sarah dr sarah what does he look like hey what does he look like no it's a woman it's a woman who went to came oh i thought so her first name's sarah right right sorry but she's like dr brian sarah that's how misogynistic i am no no i was like oh yeah so dr brian sarah dr sarah to be more intimate in emails even though it's clearly all um yeah you know copy and paste but um i did give because apparently i read this article olive oil you know people in the blue zones that's dr brian's error it's like that it's like that riddle of the surgeon yeah yeah how's the operator's own child it's a woman oh um yeah apparently supermarket olive oil is actually trash and doesn't and so but in yet in blue zones everyone lives long because they're having olive oil that's actually olive oil right uh and so i I can't judge.
24:55I'm the most susceptible to these things. I know, I know. I thought you backed me up here. I've got so much, but I've nearly always proven wrong. The fiber powder is collecting dust, even though it is just dust. Well, what do you mean? That's just more fiber powder. That's actually a good investment. It's an appreciating asset. It's just growing fiber powder in your house. No, but I did give a spoonful to my Cypriot neighbor, which is not a euphemism. I gave a spoonful of the olive oil. Was it so you'd stop humping your leg? To my Cypriot neighbor, and he said, fuck me, that is good. stuff fucking hell fucking hell that's good stuff that okay so how much you're paying can you disclose how much you're paying a month i think it's 60 quid a month for three bottles of olive and they're quite thin bottles but they are from they are from a village in maybe they're not maybe i've been completely huddling but it does i've been having a tablespoon but also if you don't know every morning i'm having a tablespoon of olive oil it's sort of like i think with that sort of stuff it is sort of like the sucking off your dad in the amsterdam glory hole story where i'm not subscribed to that no i'm saying with that sort of things it's better you don't know yeah exactly so you can just enjoy sucking a random knob yeah if you don't what you don't know can't hurt you so the fact that you think it's from some like old sardinian woman who's 106 years old yeah has all these mates walks uphill all day yeah that you can have that even though it's probably made in a factory in burton probably is it probably is made in the middle of you don't need to know that i don't need to know i'm sucking my dad off i'm not reading the label I'm not reading the label yeah I'm just enjoying the cock because I'm on a stag do Christ we're talking about Austerlitz alright we're going to have to do 11 episodes anyway so Napoleon the researcher's head is in her hands I was messaging her at 10pm last night about this script out the window 10 minute riff on olive oil do you like me?
26:50do you think I'm a good boss? really into get wake up wake up am I doing am I alright are we good midnight wake up wake up wake up wake up this is not important are we good do you like me am I fun am I fun to work with what do you tell your mates about me I see myself as more of an entertainer first than then a boy oh Christ right right Napoleon has finalized a trap to lure the Russians into attacking him. Because meanwhile, in the village of Austerlitz, at a big manor house, okay, the Austrian leader and the Russian guy, they're like, we've been running away too long. We've got to fucking fight this country, right?
27:35So they decide they're going to do it. Yeah, they're going to go for it. But Napoleon has lured him into a masterclass of a trap because he has ceded the high ground of the Prats and Heights. Yeah. Which overlook this field. Just to explain why we're at in like sort of bumming terms, it's that Napoleon is chasing with the knob and the Russian ass. Do you remember when I talked about how I have sex? I leave my Prats and Hives. Yes. So Napoleon is chasing after that target of the ass with his knob. Yeah. And then suddenly they decide we can't be arse men forever. Cock must meet cock to see which.
28:13We must dock. Yeah. So he turns around and now Austerlix is a docking situation. Well. Whose force is going on to the foos? They think it's an app, but there's a whole fucking load of other cocks coming around the back to fuck up the arse. Yeah, okay. So. And then he's stuck in the docking. He's docking and he's getting. Yeah, fuck, he's a nightmare. It's basically a human centipede. Napoleon's a genius, right? Why? He just was, all right? He just was. He just was. No business. So stop talking about Eiffel Towering, Phoebe, right? She brought that up 15 times. Keep trying to manifest it happening.
28:46Honest to God. Right. Right. So Napoleon has deliberately weakened his right flank. He's amassed his troops at the bottom of this hill, this sort of sloping field rather. But he's left the right very, very, very light. And he's also given them the high ground. But what he's done is he's hidden a lot of infantry troops in the valley below the heights. But thankfully, on the morning of the 2nd of December, there's a big mist, right? So they're even more concealed than they would have been. Now, the Russians think brilliant, and they move a lot of their forces off the heights down towards the south, okay, towards the infantry that were kind of massed towards the village of Austerlitz.
29:30Now, they are able to hold the line because there are people from Vienna that are joining them shortly. So they're actually not as exposed as they look like they are at the start of the battle. So beyond that map, you've got Vienna down there, which Napoleon's just taken, and he sends more forces up there. So... At the moment they're setting up, it still kind of looks like two lines looking at each other. So you've got the red is the Austrian and Russian allies and the blue is Napoleon. Now you'll see the south of the map. Where are the hidden forces in this? So basically his centre, you see those double columns there?
29:58Those are hidden, right, in the valley. And the two blue lines by that lake, that's the village. So the Russians are going... And the small dots on the far right is his fake weak flank. Yeah, exactly. So he's going down that way. They're going down that way. And all the red squares are on the Prats and Heights there, right? So they go down and they basically abandon the heights. And then about 8 a.m., 9 a.m., suddenly the sun pierces through the mist. And this huge French infantry column charges up the heights. And the Russians say they genuinely came out of nowhere. It came out of thin blue air.
30:34We didn't see them before. And they storm the heights. The center. Storm the center. They take the high ground very quickly. and then suddenly cavalry charges from the side because, to refer to myself earlier, to footnote myself, to quote myself again, because cavalry is most effective against an infantry that is not prepared for it, it's an absolute bloodbath. Not only that, okay, I'll fast forward a bunch of it. It's probably someone in the stomach before they've tensed. Yes, it is, right? Then the Allied army is split in two. His signature move, he busts a pussy open, right? That's Napoleon's signature move.
31:19Cavalry upon the shoulder. Yeah. Don't let her have time to form a defensive square. Yeah. Cavalry upon shoulder. Because then it's all a complete bloodbath, the Russians realize they've been tricked. They start fleeing. And then Napoleon takes the covers off his artillery. Yes. Right? I'm breaking up. I'm so hard right now. And the artillery start fucking firing at them as the Russians are running across what they now realise is a frozen lake. So they're basically on, well, they're on ice. And it's probably the best scene in Ridley-Scots. Easily the best scene. Cannonballs are shattering into the ice and horses and Russian men are just tumbling into the ice, drowning.
32:03Cannonballs are smashing horses to shit. It's an absolute bloodbath. It is a rout. And by the end of the day, Napoleon has pulled off one of the ultimate tactical masterclasses in warfare history. Did he have less troops? Way less troops. Yeah. Completely outnumbered. And he deliberately, it's a bit like someone playing a left-footed right-back and like trying to get you to attack down that side so that you can then go behind them by overloading that way. Maybe. I don't know. That tracks. So Napoleon wins. Yes, Napoleon wins.
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33:50Greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy. See terms. Star Wars The Mandalorian and Grogu is now streaming on Disney+. What are you waiting for? Hop on. The must-see galactic adventure comes home on Disney+. This is the way. Our only chance is to work together. I like this kid. Always wear your seatbelt. Star Wars The Mandalorian and Grogu. Now streaming on Disney+. Read PG-13. And so the lakes, the Sachin and Murnitz ponds, when the ice broke and the lakes were drained... It's nice to break the ice. Yeah, not in this case. They found about 150 dead horses. Right. and only two or three human bodies because Napoleon had yet again claimed that thousands of men and their horses had drowned when the ice broke.
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34:41This is like one of your icebreakers, your conversation. This is my icebreaker. 150 horses died. Hello, nice to meet you. So how much do you know about Auslitz? Because I know everything. I'm going to talk to you about it now. It's like running with scissors, right? Artillery, cavalry, infantry. Yeah, yeah.
34:56So French forces capture everything. The coalition army collapses straight away. This victory essentially spells the end for Pitt the Younger. He has to resign because the coalition... Really? Yeah, he resigns now because the coalition collapses. I thought he'd done such a good job. No. Well, does he come back or is this his second time? This is his second term. No, he dies shortly after this. He dies in 1806. Oh, sadness. No, he had gout, I think. No, he... Oh, he dies in office. Dies in office. Oh, fair enough. Okay, I was wrong. Do you believe that you could die of a broken heart? Do you think that is when people die immediately after their partner?
35:30I think that's what happened at Austerlix. just coincidentally it wasn't actually people think it was the cannons and stuff yeah it was actually spontaneous sorry I should have said there's artillery infantry cavalry and then there's just broken hearts and if you can make people really sad that's another up in your arsenal and we don't know if they died from the cold or the broken heart but William Pitt the Younger used to he had gout but to cure it he used to drink port which is I think that's the opposite of the cure that's what San Andro's did San Andro you're a friend of the pod trying to out drink port gout what I drink in a day yeah he obviously well he takes his gout tablets yes and there's a lot of very funny comments of you know in game of thrones where john snow's up against all those horses and he's just that's one of his gout tablets up against 50 pints just completely outnumbered he died from a severe peptic ulcer right which um and the physical toll of leading britain through the napoleonic wars and heavy heavy pork consumption so after austerlitz napoleon has won an insane victory Austria shattered Russia retreats eastwards and so and this also shockingly is the end of the Holy Roman Empire the first round crumbles it sort of goes out with a whimper because it's like it was sort of always made up yes it was all and now it's like it's sort of like the Amtron production it's like what is this even what are we doing yeah in 1806 okay while this is happening while he's cooking in Central Europe Napoleon is also desperate to have a child because, to return to his personal life, his sort of, what would you say, his charcoal-mouthed milf of a wife had a kid already with someone else, but is a bit over the hill.
37:12Two kids, but is over the hill, to put it right. So he is desperate to have an heir because he's emperor, and he realizes he's essentially a king. After all that, with the revolution, they've just got a king again. So he becomes determined to prove that it's not his fault. It's Josephine's. So, as Henry VIII did, he sleeps with an 18 year old virgin you got a named eleanor and then quite quickly eleanor gives birth to a son called leon so he was right it's josephine's fault so napoleon uh is ecstatic because it's his sperm works right so it's not his fault uh now we get to the continental system yes right ladies what are you still doing in here yeah this is you shouldn't be looking right behind this curtain yeah now napoleon cannot defeat britain we've established that because nelson's 9 11 dimit trafalgar right so uh he divided he thinks well the only way we can stop these coalitions keep popping up it's like whack-a-mole from napoleon's perspective is whack-a-mole so he goes we've got to we've got to stop we've got to bankrupt britain so they can't bankroll the rest of you they've got the navy and their trade is their big two strengths yes exactly He calls them a nation of shopkeepers famously because this is the birth of modern retail is sort of happening in London around this time.
38:27Well, the Regency, Oxford Street, everything like that. Really? Yeah, polite and commercial people is what was the kind of England's view of itself. But also, I think a nation of shopkeepers is actually sort of like a, you know, it's more the passive aggressive. Yeah, yeah, he's slagging it. Yeah, well, I feel that. He's basically saying that. But I think he's got us down to a T. Yeah, he's basically saying that you guys aren't warriors. Can I help you? Are you looking for something particular? Can I help you? That guy. That's us, isn't it? Tickets, please. Because we're not having any war on our land.
38:57We're just selling stuff on Oxford Street. It's just daily sports and stuff. Yeah. So his aim is to cripple Britain economically by banning European trade with it. So he basically orders all his allies and his defeated opponents to stop trading with Britain. Most people do. however smuggling goes through the roof but there is one country that refuses to join Napoleon's continental system which is essentially like the EU and that and that telegraph article the EU is Napoleon's continental system in disguise that is Britain's oldest ally in fact the oldest alliance in the world ever ever yeah since the 1200s i believe our old friends 1300s portugal our old our very old friend very the oldest friends there are no two older friends in the world than britain and portugal in the world our best friends in the world yeah it's funny because i guess we're both atlantic powers that have been on the edge of europe so i guess just sort of looking in don't really feel that we're part of it but then we connect over that yeah because we're like i'm like we're looking at france like that's not me and they're like and they're looking at spain like well that's not me We like fish.
40:15Yeah, we eat fish and it's windy. Fish and chips, a bit windy. Okay, Scott. We've got sleepy, smelly neighbours. You know, we get on. Yeah. So the Anglo-Portuguese alliance has ended back to the 14th century, but Portugal carried on trading with British merchants. So in 1807, right, this is Napoleon's in his pomp. He's also, just because people will be humacturing, he's defeated the Prussians at Jena and Auerstadt in a day, but we can't get into that, given how long it took us to get through Austerlitz. The Continental System is his only real attempt, the only thing he can really do to defeat Britain and to maintain it is where his downfall will come from, basically.
40:52It's such a hard thing to maintain. Yes. Because if anyone breaks it, he then has to march hundreds of thousands of people to beat the shit out of them. Yes. So like Portugal, fuck up, fuck up, and then Russia, then he has to go back and forth to bollock anyone who... So, French troops under General Jean-Andosh Junot, who is one of the maddest cunts alive at the time. How so? Juno is one of his closest friends, one of his most trusted general. He ends up suffering severe mental decline because of head wounds, alcoholism and an opium addiction. He's a governor in the Polonic Italy and he greets guests at a big ball wearing only a hat, gloves and his medals.
41:37When you say only? Yeah. Wow, okay, fair enough. So Todger out. And at this day and age, that's a bit much for this day and age. He's got his artillery out. He will meet his end in 18, I think, 13, when he gets really drunk and he self-defenestrates. Really? And then he breaks both his legs, and then he thinks, well, I need to amputate these. Is he still just wearing a hat and a medal? Yeah, and then he just has a go at amputating them, and then he dies of sepsis like a week later. Wow. It's one of the best ends, actually. It's Franz Reichel, but he lives, and then he tries to amputate himself, and he fucks that, and he dies from infection.
42:13Yeah, it's a lot of male confidence there that's got into all of that. He mutilated himself with scissors when left alone. Yeah. Dies days later, 1813. Say his name, friend of the pod. Charlie really didn't like that. Charlie really didn't like that. He looked very serious. That's one of the, that's sort of second or third appearance for the concept of self-defense. So in 1807, long before he self-defense strates, Juno invades Portugal. Okay. Now, as French troops enter Lisbon, the entire Portuguese civil service and court, they just all get on the ship and fuck off to Brazil, right? Yeah. They're Hitler-ing it in Brazil before the war.
42:49Brazil is their India, is their main colony. Yeah. So they all go and have a lovely time on the beach. Well, Brazil actually, Brazil and Portugal's relationship is similar to like the United States and Britain. Sort of like a big colony in the new world that eventually becomes a bigger power. Yeah. Then it's original. The bums are bigger. Yeah. So Juno ends up capturing Lisbon without him to fight anyone in November 1807. However, what Napoleon is not bargained for is another British fucking hero. Right. Sir Arthur Wellesley, the Duke of Wellington. Say his name, friend of the pod. Okay. Now, Wellington is...
43:27I think I prefer Wellington to Nelson. Okay. Because I relate more to Wellington than Nelson. I think Nelson is such an outlier in world history because of his bravery and his kind of suicidal bravery. Yeah, his Jackassian bravery. He's a Jackassian figure. Wellington is not a Jackassian figure. No. Wellington is essentially Monty before Monty. Yes. Wellington is probably the most successful. A lot of the great British land generals, it's just stubbornness above all else. It's not guile, it's just stubborn. wellington is perhaps the snobbiest man that's ever lived right he um is born into aristocracy part of him's irish which he hates yeah he hates the sound of his own soldiers accents right he calls his own troops quote the scum of the earth right so when you're thinking about like the mental health thing and like him sitting he's the opposite of napoleon sitting around the fire and like, you know.
44:32He would basically, he would demand silver service and have private French chefs while his sort of scummy troops were eating rations. And the scum of the earth, though, aren't they? And then they'd be like, oh, Sir Arthur, what are we doing today? And he'd be like, fucking hell, their accent. Christ, learn to talk, man. Right, he was arrogant, he was prejudiced, and he believed in the ancient regime. So he hates the French because of the revolution. Right, right. So he's a staunch monarchist. this is a conservative man to put it like this is an arch conservative man this is one of the few times that we use the phrase arch conservative right uh you don't really get those anymore so he arches back during sex no yeah he is someone who uh is staunchly defending uh the idea of limiting suffrage to the wealthy elite yeah so he's like no no voting rights absolutely not that's a fire sale this is like conservatives against female suffrage arch conservatives against people with bad accents.
45:30Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's real. Only posh blokes. That's the conservatism that I aspire to. I think it's awesome. You know, builders come around. Lords members voters only, basically. Yeah, MCC members. They have the vote. That's it. I mean, that's insane, you know. People are like, you're worrying about, oh, I've got a build around. Should I lower my accent to make a cup of tea? I'm saying, I don't think you should vote, mate. I think you're scum of the earth. I think you're scum of the earth, but I'm going to employ you anyway. Scum of the earth. The officers at the time could pay for a higher rank.
46:00And he thinks, he's allergic to meritocracy. So he thinks that that should just continue. Right. Well, I pay for it, so I should be it. Right, okay. He had made his name fighting against the Morata. He's a true believer in spawn mogging as a concept. Yes, he is. Did we talk about that on the Patreon? We might have. Yeah, yeah. Just refresh us with what spawn mogging. Yeah, Clavicular, who obviously popularized the idea of mogging, and believes you can mog in many different ways. my favorite mog is the spawn mog which is when he's talked about people growing up with either white privilege um middle class privilege growing up with wealth or anything it's actually you should view it as basically you got spawned mog don't be jealous because you got spawned mogged yeah that's just the way the game is just spawning you're just born in a bad place you know it just there's such a great idea because it's just i like the idea just oh fuck yeah oh shit You look at your mum.
46:50Oh, fuck's sake. Single mum in fucking Scunthorpe, right? It's been spawn-mogged again. It's like in a video game where you just spawn and you're just like embedded in a war. And you're like, I can't even kill myself to respawn again. So Wellington had made his name fighting against the Marathas in India. Yes. In the late 18th century. Did he win the Battle of Plassey, which is like the big battle of that whole campaign? We can't go into it. This is in the Battle of Assay in 1803, outnumbered 5 to 1, but he launches an audacious attack across a river that he didn't actually know existed until he crossed it.
47:28He just guessed from the layout of the villages, and he shatters the Maratha forces, conclusively winning the conflict. Anyway, so Wellington invades Portugal in 1808, in August 1808. he defeats the French twice. That is the first time that the British army have beaten Napoleon on land. And yet he is betrayed by a meddling bureaucracy in that there are two superiors called, what are they called? Burrard and Dalrymple. Right. Yeah. So these are like even more snobby than Wellington because they're above him. Yeah. Right. So they don't even think. So everyone's looking down their nose at their inferiors.
48:15And Wellington's got a massive nose. Yeah, so it's the whole British army. It's just, it gets, the glasses get further down the nose as you go up the ranks. So the general of the army is just lying down like that. It's my dad looking at an iPhone. That's field marshal in charge of the army. So Wellington had defeated, whatever his name was, the mad con at Vimiero in August. But these two commanders, right, they say, okay, we're going to sign the Convention of Cintra, which is rather than going on and routing the forces and actually getting them out of the Iberian Peninsula, for some reason, I don't understand this emphasis at all, we're going to let the French take all their weapons and all the loot they plundered and we're going to escort them on Royal Navy ships back to France.
49:06But does that mean they leave Portugal, though? Yes. Right. But then they don't. They come back in a year. Right. Because obviously they do because they've got all their guns. So this is like, this is cricket in an age of annihilation. Right, Burad and Dorempel didn't want to fight basically. No, they were cowardly. Whereas Wellington's like, let's fuck them up, I can do this. Because he's the only one that just knows he can beat them on land. Because, I mean, we'll get into his tactics later in the series. He's an arrogant man as well. He's a very arrogant man, but he's right to be. He was born in the right place.
49:32He was spawn-mogging people, you know? So, this - He spawn-mogged Napoleon. He did spawn-mogged Napoleon. And now he's pretty livid about that as well. So this means that the French evacuate Portugal on British ships, and the government at home are absolutely outraged. They go, what the fuck are you doing? This is crazy. So Wellington is withdrawn from command because 21 ,000 French troops were evacuated back to France, and there's an official inquiry, right, going on. Meanwhile, so he has to go back to England to defend himself. Meanwhile - Why? Because he broke the - Because there's an outrage in the government about this convention, because it was his forces, even though he was superseded by these two guys with the nose.
50:11Right. So meanwhile... It's funny, we do love an inquiry even at this stage. Get an inquiry going. Take our main general out of the front line, ask him some questions, okay? This isn't happening with other countries. There's not always inquiries. Napoleon's not getting bogged down inquiries. Inquiries mid-war. Yeah. Can we just pause the fighting to work out what's going on here and who's responsible? Yeah. So meanwhile, in Spain, Spain had been France's ally, okay? however uh the french start to the french occupy it because the french allied during trafalgar right so yes they have been uh the french i don't know when the french occupy it but uh they start fighting the spanish and this is what this becomes the peninsular war they basically at some point napoleon uh it's an alliance that napoleon treats as if it's territory and that he's yeah and at some point he replaces the king with his brother joseph yeah which is nepotism which you'd think think so yeah you'd think that um uh and so he triggers this massive rebellion uh which is where we are introduced to guerrillas yes this is the start of guerrillas yeah spain did not fight napoleon well they did fight it on armies but also they introduced that not guerrillas not harambe Charlie I played for a football team called Arambe so Spain have these farmers priests shepherds former soldiers who are just sort of roving the Spanish countryside in bands and they ambushed messengers they murder isolated sharp which we'll be talking about the patron there's a lot of this oh the hill and far away King George commands and we obey through Flanders Portugal and Spain sorry you hit my sharp button I'm rock hard right that's why I've had to wear my gun forward cord suit yeah
52:14we'll be talking about sharp on the Patreon sharp is set during the Peninsular War right so a French officer lamented every bush conceals an enemy I know I know I know what you mean brother there were growlers lurking in those bushes right that's a sexually repressed man that's a man who's not honest about his sexuality for sure vagina's the enemy you just don't know what's going on in there yeah it's like two soldiers meeting in the dark for the code word penis penis few um now the spanish geridos uh are particularly brutal so uh they have pretty creative methods of execution right Well, they're surrealists, aren't they?
52:57Well, yes, this is the long road to Dali. Being like, ooh, random. So in 1808, a French general and his staff are captured, stripped naked, and then dropped into vats of boiling oil. Yeah, I guess that's less surreal. Other French guys get sawn in half between two planks of wood and buried up to their necks in dirt near anthills. Right? Spanish, they find nasty. Nasty, dirty. Right, dirty. There are also reports of corpse puppetry. puppetry of the corpse. Fan of corpse puppetry. I am a fan of corpse puppetry. In fact, I'll go as far as to say it's the only puppetry I would pay to watch. The Edinburgh Fringe would be a much more amenable experience if corpse puppetry.
53:36Well, if clowns were killed and used as corpse puppetry. Yeah, I would like to kill clowns and you'd move them as puppets, right? So they decorated roadsides with mutilated bodies to scare the locals, right? That's what the French did. So what the guerrillas do is they captured a French sentry, strangle him, rigged his corpse up against a wall with his musket propped in his arms and then a French patrol see it and then spent 10 minutes shooting the dead guy. Yeah. Pretty awesome. Yeah. Which gives away the position, which means the Spaniards can ambush them. Yeah. Do you see what I mean? Rock, paper, scissors, and Napoleonic warfare.
54:07Basically, France are having a bad time. Spanish Elsa sort of stuff. This is where we get the phrase Spanish Elsa. So Napoleon in 1808, he personally intervenes and invade Spain with 200 ,000 troops, well-trained troops. What is impressive about Napoleon is that this is the constant point that tactically a genius, strategically kind of stupid in many ways. He keeps making mistakes on the grand scale, but the way that whenever he comes in to clean up his own mess, if it's on the battlefield, he does just manage to win. He cleans up. He always does. Even when it's like he's fucked it so many times, as soon as it's on a battlefield, he can still pull it off.
54:52Which is why I think he doesn't know when to stop. Yeah. Which is, because we're kind of... Like Charlie eating breakfast. It is. Stop before you get to the fish cake. That would be my... I'd say boiling a whole bag of broccoli. Yeah. Tender stem. Basically, there's a big disaster, a place called Balien, which we don't have time to go into, but that enrages Napoleon. He then smashes Spanish armies and he enters Madrid in triumph. Now, this is where... So, meanwhile, Wellington's back doing an inquiry in Britain. in London. Of course, you have to have an inquiry. Okay. So there's, then. With even snootier people who are up in the corner.
55:26No, they're actually bent all the way back. Their head is going through their ass with their glasses on their chin. Being like, why don't you do that? So, Sir John Moore, who I think may be the same John Moore who holds the record for the amount of rounds per minute fired from a musket, which is five. Because if you, I mean, you watched Sharp last night, right? Takes a while. So he marches 30 ,000 troops out of Portugal, which Britain controls at this point, into Spain to try and link up the Spanish armies and strike the French. But he gets confronted by Napoleon and his huge army. So he realizes they're going to be swallowed.
56:05So what, I didn't realize this, what happens now is essentially Dunkirk on steroids. He has, on Christmas Day, right, he starts a 250-mile retreat through the Galician Desert in freezing conditions to get to the port of Carunia, where the British Navy are meant to pick them up. So this retreat is sort of legendary in red coat tails because discipline completely deteriorates. Soldiers are looting, drinking wine, abandoning equipment. Somehow more keeps the force moving. Right. Right. It's a rabble. It is. They eventually get to Carunia. However, the winds are bad. And so the ships aren't there.
56:42So basically the French catch up with them and they then build a big redoubt. Yeah. Gentlemen, prostrate check. Yeah. Rourke's drift. Yes, this is all Rourke's drift stuff. They fight off the French at Corunia long enough to evacuate by sea, but the battle is so intense that while he's fighting, Sir John Moore gets a French cannonball that basically rips open his chest cavity and exposing his lungs. So basically his whole chest is open, his lungs are there, and then he calmly looks down and then says, I hope the people of England will be satisfied.
57:22Absolute hero. He remains conscious. Doctors are asking you to help him. He's going, no, I'll see this one off, I reckon. Yeah. I think I know what's wrong with me, actually. I don't think I need to see you. No. As he was carried away, his sword hilt becomes entangled in his entrails. Gnarly. He died an excruciating death. That's a man who's pretending he's okay. Yeah. He's still got his sword hilt even around his entrails. I don't think, I don't think he's ever been a man that's more toxically refusing help with his own health. He calmly insists you keep the sword hilt. No, it's okay. Sword hilt.
57:54Keep that tangled in my entrails. No, keep it there. Getting rid of it is going to cause me more pain. Yeah. He dies probably the worst. It's going to hurt you doing it more than it hurt me. I'm fine actually. No, no, no, no. Leave me be. I'll be fine. I'll work this out. So, so John Moore, his chest is blown, his chest blown out. Of course, his chest blown out. got his chest blown out but the British the British Expeditionary Force the BEF the BEF genuinely it's the exact same story they get back to land and that's 6 ,000 troops that you know we have fuck all at this point because really it's in the Peninsular War that the British Army actually get good because Sir Arthur Wellesley right who is not yet the Duke of Wellington returns from the inquiry having been exonerated very good and is there ever a more powerful british man than a man who's just been exonerated at inquiry you should fear the man the british man whose name has been cleared by an inquiry my god what he will do to napoleon's forces in the iberian peninsula with all the power of exoneration you know because he you know because he knows deep in his soul an inquiry has exonerated him there's no great it's like when you it's like when you've just done a um uh a speed awareness course.
59:09You're like, I'm not getting caught speeding again. Fuck it. I'm not getting caught again. I've been exonerated. I know exactly how to drive now. So, Wellington, we leave him in Portugal. Now, we will return to the Iberian Peninsula because this war drags on for a long time. But before we do, we must head east because Napoleon is at arguably the height of his powers. Operation Baguetta rossa i just can't end the episode on that baguette rossa baguette rossa fuck bumfuck bumfuck it's a real bumfuck moment operation baguette rossa um napoleon will invade russia and the uh the tide will begin to turn yeah now that episode is already on our Patreon along with the entirety of this Napoleonic War series where we return to Wellington, Waterloo, all the good stuff.
1:00:11Three pounds a month. You know how to sign up. Sorry. What was that? Was that the fish cake coming back up? What was that? That was grown. Man grown. Oh, that wasn't you? No. Oh, I thought that was you. Right. So thanks. That's been Austerlitz and this is Iberian Wars. We'll see you next time for the continuation of our epic series. Goodbye for now. Goodbye.
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From the publisher
Napoleon is back, desperate for an heir and is good because he just is, alright!
The Napoleonic Wars (Part Six)
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Chapters:
00:00 - Rock Paper Scissors
05:44 - Charlie’s Breakfast
10:04 - He Just Is!
12:06 - Ding, Meet Dong
17:45 -The blackout
21:24 - Am I A Good Boss?
24:50 - I’m So Hard
32:51 - AWOO!
35:06 - Self Defenestration!
38:33 - Spawn Mogging
44:38 - We Love An Enquiry
48:20 - I Know What You Mean Brother
52:54 - Bumfirk
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