In short
Episode topic: Claudius’ rise to power as a “hidden” emperor—positioned between Caligula’s tyranny and Nero’s later reign—framed around how his visible disabilities and outsider status kept him alive while he learned, wrote, and maneuvered into Roman politics.
Guest backgrounds
Horatio Gould is the host/primary speaker. The episode also features recurring co-host Charlie (no formal background given in transcript).
Key claims
Claudius was discovered “quivering” behind the curtain after Caligula’s assassination; his grandmother and mother allegedly despised him. His ailments (partially deaf, stutter, limp, drooling, inappropriate laughter) led people to underestimate him; modern historians speculate cerebral palsy/Tourette’s. He was politically sidelined under Tiberius, then advanced under Caligula, who appointed him consul partly to humiliate him.
Notable examples
Claudius’ oracle prediction after an eagle/wolf-cub myth; multiple failed marriages (including a bride dying on the wedding day); his son dying at age four after choking on a pear; Caligula making him consul in 37; Claudius marrying Messalina in 38.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOSetting the Stage for Claudius
0:45 to 1:44
Discussion on the context of Claudius's reign and the previous emperors.
“I think I found a prehistoric statue of a guy doing a Hitler salute.”
The Quivering Coward: Claudius's Introduction
1:44 to 4:30
Explorations of Claudius's character and how he became emperor.
“Okay, so we have previously, we've talked about Nero, who is the emperor after Claudius, and we've talked about Caligula.”
Claudius's Ancestry and Disability
4:30 to 6:34
An overview of Claudius's lineage and his disabilities.
“Historically, there's something brilliant.”
Historical Perspectives on Disability
11:08 to 14:03
Discussion on societal views of disability in Claudius's time versus now.
“So is it like you're not allowed to deal sodomy, but you're allowed to...”
Disability Perspectives and the Traffic Light System
14:03 to 16:49
Discusses the evolution of disability perceptions and introduces a traffic light system for categorizing disabilities.
“Green, normal, yellow, bit odd, red, down syndrome.”
Claudius: A Historical Figure
16:50 to 18:08
Explores the historical context of Claudius and societal views on disability during his time.
“Anyway, now, as you're saying, this is something that would not happen nowadays.”
Mother's Cruelty and Historical Context
18:09 to 19:29
Details the harsh treatment Claudius received from his mother and grandmother, reflecting societal attitudes.
“That's what you're saying in the playground.”
The Prediction of Future Power
19:30 to 21:42
Describes a prophetic incident involving Claudius as a child and the implications it had on his future.
“I mean, dribbling isn't really autistic, is it?”
Family Dynamics and Historical Implications
21:43 to 24:25
Explores the relationships within Claudius' family and the implications for his self-perception and role in society.
“And then the cub falls from the eagle's grasp into the arms of Claudius.”
Modern Parallels and Cultural References
24:26 to 28:01
Discusses modern interpretations of Claudius and references to contemporary media and political figures.
“of blue blood and at this point in 9 bc who is emperor is it tiberius or augustus yeah is it peter or blair who's in power in 19th it is all that blair's in power so and augustus has a long and maybe the most successful.”
Show all 19 chapters
Exploring Claudius: The Underestimated Emperor
28:01 to 34:04
Learn about the historical context and societal perceptions surrounding Emperor Claudius.
“There's a big TV show called I Claudius in the 70s.”
Claudius's Personal Life and Relationships
34:04 to 42:04
Delve into Claudius's love life, marriages, and familial challenges.
“I'm Andrew Harrison and this week in a special mini-series from The Bunker I ask experts and eyewitnesses how the consequences of the 9-11 attacks and the war on terror that followed still shape our world.”
The Unfortunate Deaths of Claudius' Family
42:04 to 43:44
Learn about the early misfortunes of Claudius and his family, highlighting tragic events and relationships.
“You've not captured the essence of my jowls.”
Political Climate and the Rise of Claudius
43:44 to 45:36
Explore the political landscape of Rome during Claudius' time, including the roles of Tiberius and Sejanus.
“I mean, is he putting the whole thing in?”
Caligula's Madness and Claudius' Role
45:36 to 47:15
Discover Caligula's bizarre reign and how it unexpectedly positioned Claudius in Roman politics.
“And it was a, the Jews killed Christ, but also it was a Roman paedophile emperor who ordered him.”
Discussion on Pornography and Culture
47:15 to 49:12
Engage in a humorous yet critical discussion about the impact of the adult film industry on societal norms.
“They're under the table at it and I imagine that's what it was like with Caligula where he's just like shagging people while they're having like big meetings.”
Patreon and Audience Engagement
49:12 to 51:08
Find out how the hosts interact with their audience and promote their Patreon subscription.
“I don't think we're nominated this year.”
Claudius' Ascendancy to Emperor
51:08 to 56:00
Conclude with the dramatic rise of Claudius to power amidst chaos and the assassination of Caligula.
“afghan women then join the patron i think don't subscribe to us i think i'll subscribe we must finish the story.”
Wrap Up and Teasers
56:00 to 56:28
The hosts conclude the episode and tease upcoming content on Claudius.
“And we are trying to get to be as big as the Taliban.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:12Welcome back to Finversus History, joining me is Horatio Gould. Today we're talking about Claudius. We're back in ancient Rome. These have been some of my favourite episodes. Yes. We're going back to the ancient world, but these are very much the lily pads in which you feel safe. I love the Roman emperors. It's the only place that you feel you can... It's the wall of the ice rink which you can hold on to in the ancient world. Yes. It's the only place where I get to explore the ancient world where you're not half asleep or purposely nosediving the podcast. I don't think that's fair. I think I found a prehistoric statue of a guy doing a Hitler salute.
0:49Yeah, that's true. That really fired me up. That got me through that episode. Yeah, you're very much sure. We're talking about Claudius today. And we're also, sorry, we're dressed as the sofa today. We are dressed as the sofa. And before anyone comments, I'm aware that there will be a lot of gunt on show in this episode. You're a gunt buncher. My gunt is bunching in this suit. There's a lot of material in it. I'm essentially dressed as a corduroy curtain. And I apologise to any ladies watching but my gunt is punched. But it sort of looks like we're like kind of hit men who are trying to hide. In the sofa.
1:23In the sofa. We're dressed up as one of the cushions. I mean, I'm dressed as the sofa cushion. You're dressed as the wall. We're assassins at a Nigerian wedding. We're going, what are they wearing? We're going to have to dress as they do. Yes, I do. For anyone looking, I've got a lot of room in the fupa. My pussy air is not as fat as it looks in this suit. But we digress. Yes, we need to talk about Claudius. Okay, so we have previously, we've talked about Nero, who is the emperor after Claudius, and we've talked about Caligula. Probably our wildest episode, I'd say, was Caligula. And this episode will be a kind of sequel.
2:02Where are we? So this is the emperor. Claudius is between Caligula and Nero. It's betwixt the mad cunts, basically. Yes, Caligula and Nero are bywords for tyranny. but Claudius is kind of the hipster's choice. I think so. He's my favourite emperor we've looked at so far. I think it's a very interesting story. It doesn't follow the normal narratives because a lot of Roman emperors, they're either like chads or they're just mental with no real light and shade. It's just, I marry my horse. It's just a zany... Well, I'll fuck you then. Yeah, I fucked everyone's wives. I burn it all down. There's not really any sort of nuance there.
2:39It's just full throttle. I'm mental. but Claudius has a lot his whole life story is very kind of the most interesting character it's a very unique story actually of any ruler really but we ended the last episode with Caligula now Caligula had been a promising early leader he'd been raised on Tiberius who was Epstein Epsteinius Epstein's island so it's not been a great the track record so far for Epstein no it goes Blair, paedophile, mad cunt Claudius, mad cunt and Caligula had been assassinated by his Praetorian guard he'd been a promising ruler but then he'd had a stroke and the stroke had pushed down on the paedophile bit of his brain and the foreign accent syndrome so he'd gone to sleep at Caligula he'd woken up a carigara and he was then assassinated by his Praetorian guard because he was fast bowling babies against the wall was he not?
3:33no they then took his baby and they Cambodian cricketed it into the wall sorry Yeah. So, yeah, it's the long road to Pol Pot, bowling babies against trees in Cambodia. They took Caligula's son, they killed his wife, and they take his son and they play squash with it, I think was the term you used. They chucked it at a baby, lights out, night-night. But hiding behind the curtain in the corridor where Caligula was assassinated. Quivering. Quivering. Quivering, drooling, was a disabled man with Tourette's who would go on to inherit the Roman Empire against all the odds. But who is this man? How did we end up here?
4:14How did we get here? You're probably wondering, you're probably wondering how I got here. That's how Claudius would say. So Claudius is discovered quivering underneath the curtain. A coward. A coward. And I love a coward. Historically, there's something brilliant. Heroes write most of history. True. But it's nice when you see a true quivering coward. There's something inherently funny about someone who's truly cowardly. Yes. And that he then goes on to become emperor in a world of, you know, chads. I mean, as you said. It's not a very woke time. As you've said, part of the reason I like the Roman emperors is incredibly binary, masculine, fascistic time.
5:00Yes. Men with big chins and broad chests chucking babies against walls. Yeah, it could be like as far from woke as you can sort of get the Roman era. There's none of the idea of social justice is just so far. It's about how many barbarians have you suppressed. Yes. You know, any form of weakness is seen as weakness. I tell you what is quite woke is that only the Praetorian guards are allowed to have a sword in the city of Rome. Yes. That's quite woke. Sure. That's like in America. I mean, I can't take a gun to a school. That's red tape. Yeah, it definitely is. You know, they don't have an open carry policy in Rome.
5:35Yeah. that uh so again let's just refresh the roman emperor timeline julius caesar crosses the rubicon at some point then augustus blair the titan uh he is the sort of he becomes a god he adopts an old man tiberius uh who then becomes a pedophile epstein on an island in capri now uh living on um growing up on this island is caligula uh when caligula is assassinated claudius is discovered behind the curtain quivering now he is born claudius on august the 1st uh 10 bc um and like any roman emperor or brazilian footballer he has too many names and they're also all the names of other people in this story so i'm not actually going to say what his name is because it's just going to confuse each other's names it's going to be too i'll be horatio gorge charlie milner finn taylor that would be my name yeah horatio it's too much anyway so he's born in modern day Leon Lugdenum, and he is the first emperor to be born outside of Italy.
6:33Now, he's blue blood in terms of Roman stock. The Julio-Claudian line. Which is very important. Ladies, how many times must I warn you? You're not welcome here. Yeah. Okay. Wear two pairs of pants if you're tuning in. We're discussing the Julio-Claudian line. his father is Nero Claudius Drusus his parents Olivia Drusilla who is married to Augustus and Tiberius Claudius Nero now that is the last three emperors but that's none of them okay so that's like that's like Rubinio being called Ronaldinho Ronaldo Rivaldo yeah he's nothing to do with them or Keir Starmer called Tony Blair Gordon Brown David Cameron yes forget all of them um his mother is antonia the younger and her parents are octavia the younger who's augustus's sister right and mark anthony right so patra's um the personal trainer who lives in dubai so the julian claudian line that's it because it went from a republic to an emperor by it's about trying to trace it back to either julius caesar or more importantly augustus yes who was such successful ruler he calmed everything down and it's basically all of these emperors are trying to state their claim to going back to augustus it's the opposite of tony blair who wasn't successful but everyone's trying to distance themselves from him so it's like how much stock have you got in the labor party well how close were you to blair yeah yeah yeah um so claudius is a descendant of julius caesar through the julian line uh which is very important now he has two older siblings one of them is Germanicus who is Caligula's dad Germanicus is the popular general hero so he got the name Germanicus so Tony Blair would if he'd been successful he'd be called No he'd be called Cosopus Sierra Leoneus and Northern Ireland that's Tony Blair we must not just judge him by Irakus Germanicus is not called I don't know, fucking Gawlius.
8:46Yes. Right? Yeah. Because he's defined by his successes. For sure. Personally, I see Tony Blair as Kosovus, Sierra Leoneus, Northern Islandus. Yeah, sure starters. Yeah. Yeah. Minimum wages. Civil unionists. Okay? There's lots of us's in Tony Blair's name that's not Iraqis. Universitius. Universitius. Polytechnicus. Yeah? He did a lot. He did a lot. Anyway. In 1991, two hikers in the Alps found a body melting in the ice. They assumed a fallen climber. What they'd actually found was a 5 ,000-year-old murder victim. Welcome to Buried Evidence. Join archaeologist Professor Raksha Dave and me, historian Rebecca Radiel, as we dig up some fascinating true crime through history.
9:33Launching on Friday the 4th of September, you can find Buried Evidence wherever you watch or listen to your podcasts. Subscribe at thecrimedesk.com and get episodes a week before anyone else. Is everything we knew about warfare changing right before our eyes? The war in Ukraine began with tanks and infantry. Now drones, network systems and low-cost weapons wage a battle for dominance.
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10:44Do you struggle to keep up with the news every week? The Bunker has got you covered. Every Monday, we really start your week where we go over the big stories to follow in the coming days. And then on Fridays, we have our weekly wrap-up where we give you the context and the meaning behind the biggest and the weirdest stories of recent days. Search for The Bunker wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe so you never miss an episode. um whereas cameron is brexiters sure yeah brexit is serious he's also gay marriages which often doesn't get credited but he's actually i'd call him gay marriages well i'd call him brexiters gay marriages um and then john major is uh sodomus sodomus he uh legalized sodomy he did we must never forget john may rot begins with major okay mate the fucking barn doors flew off when major legalized did he know he decriminalized it decriminalized I think.
11:37It's very late, isn't it? 90s. So is it like you're not allowed to deal sodomy, but you're allowed to... You can do it in your own home. But you can't be a sodomite dealer. No, you can't be buggering someone in a public car park. What's buggery? Is that... That's public sodomy, isn't it? Yeah. Charlie, could you just find out the legal definitions of buggery, sodomy, and then just homosexuality? All I know is that any privately educated man of a certain age has been buggered. Any... Buggery is... A specialised British English word that refers to anal sex and sometimes other non-procreative sexual acts.
12:13Now that's it. I remember Joanne McNally when she came on saying that buggery is technically cunnilingus, which is very funny. Just to walk in on a man and go down the road, stop that buggery now. What are you doing? Wash your mouth out, you bugger. Yes. Claudius is down as Germanicus, who is Caligula's dad. Caligula. Sorry. His brother is Germanicus. whose son is Caligula. Now, Caligula, if you've not heard that episode, maybe listen to that one first. He is the emperor, and so he then goes on this huge killing spree where he sort of purges any potential rival. But Claudius is never purged. And why is that?
13:00At some point in Claudius' early childhood, he becomes very ill. and we don't really know historians are trying to work out what the modern day equivalent of this would be but his symptoms are uh partially deaf a stutter a limp and a constantly running nose and drooling all the time he also laughed inappropriately yeah while drawing so now basically if he was born now he would have a channel 4 series oh he did the commissioner of chattelport but this is a very very different time and the view of disability is is the opposite of the view of disability now i disagree i think it's actually quite a sophisticated understanding of disability because i didn't say it wasn't sophisticated so it's the opposite no i disagree okay because uh essentially when you when you then find out that he wrote several books he's clearly not mentally disabled he just looks clapped he's just a bit of a nerd right nowadays i would say we're getting very close to a stage where nerds are identifying as disabled in that if you let that autism uh if you sort of plow that furrow too far you will just push through to just people who are just a bit nerdy if you broaden the autism spectrum so much as you've often talked about how you prefer a disability that's binary yeah No, traffic.
14:24Traffic light system. What is it again? Green, normal, yellow, bit odd, red, down syndrome. Perfect. I know where I stand. I know where I stand. Green, yellow, red. Yeah, exactly. We've got the full traffic light system here on Twin vs. History. Okay. Now, exactly, under the 2010 Act, right, under the 2010 Disability Act, dyslexia is a disability. Well, I've got dyspraxia, so I'm disabled. Yes. I'm a modern-day Claudius. But this is my point, is that in the 90s, you were not disabled. You were just wobbly, right? Yes. In the 90s, you didn't have ADHD, you were just late. But then how is that similar to now?
15:02Because back then, they viewed it. They call him disabled when actually he's not. He's just a bit... It's not... Yeah, but being called disabled now is a benefit in a way, because there's a bit of status there. There's no status for being disabled back then, is what I'm trying to say. I agree with that. The categorisation, yeah, maybe they call it disabled. But if you're called disabled, it means that publicly, not only are you unvirtuous... You're saying there's a difference to now. They didn't, you know, you didn't get a free tablet. Anything that reminds them of any sort of weakness, it means that you're openly allowed to be mocked.
15:40And not only that, what I enjoy about this period is physical disabilities that you can't help were viewed as moral failings. Exactly, it's early phrenology. It's the long road to phrenology. is your head is too big to have a job here yes you can't work here yeah you can't come on any respect because of the size of your forehead whereas now it's reverse phrenology where your head's too big to work here do you want to be the boss oh my god you've just crystallized what my problem with today is is that it is reverse phrenology it's taking everything that we work so hard for and and flipping it and and it's inverting science yeah you'd be terrible for this do you want it yeah yeah have it you're clearly awful have have the have the company my point is is that uh they actually i suppose they're uh you know i grew up in a world where disability had quite a high threshold to and that threshold has been lowered sure as i've got older yeah i see in the roman age they had quite a wide net for what basically if you weren't ripped and tall you were disabled yeah which i feel like is the direction of travel is horseshoe right it's come back round yeah right so but you're right in that the status is very different you know that he was not getting a free laptop or a free stone tablet or whatever basically he has the impression that he's dim witted and unfit for public life because to be fair he's got a constantly running nose and he's drooling all the time and he limps he limps he's drooling and he laughs yeah it's like Charlie when he just laughs out of no reason and to be fair if you are voting for someone from public office and they're just like and there's a guy who's got really strong concerns about about immigration there's just guys just constantly running nose you can't even stop your nose running let alone the boats you know what is it Charlie it's the equivalent to stolen valour if you pretend you're disabled oh look around the equivalent is the year 2026 okay you just pop a sunflower lanyard on and park where you want shit where you want that's a disgrace fuck who you want don't think you can do that I got the look of the lanyard.
17:51Anyway, now, as you're saying, this is something that would not happen nowadays. Claudius' own mother describes her son as, quote, an abortion of a man that had only been begun but never finished by nature. I mean, that's pretty robust from a mother. That's 90s stuff. That's the era that I grew up in. That's what you're saying in the playground. An unfinished abortion. An abortion of a man. A monster. A man who Mother Nature had begun work upon, but then flung aside. Basically a Greek. Unfinished, yeah. A Greek guy. Yeah. Mother Nature is Greek in this regard. Not today. Shall I finish his brain?
18:30Nah, not today. Now, modern historians suggest that Claudius may have suffered from cerebral palsy. So it's like in Breaking Bad. What's his name? Yes, Walt Jr. jr uh autism uh and or tourette so i think i want to take autism out because we're i feel that's like clouding the clouding it i think it probably is if he's like i mean tourette fuckers yeah fuckers
19:05yeah yeah you can't be yeah yeah it doesn't really fit in with the um you can't be sitting in the senate you know doing that yeah i suppose it's the long road to the baftas isn't it um yeah autism i guess doesn't really yeah fit although although he probably does have it but I'm saying that it seems like the least of his worries. Maybe in the Roman perspective, you know, I mean, dribbling isn't really autistic, is it? He's sick of a lot of physical ailments as well. But also a constantly running nose. What is that? Hay fever? I don't know. Yeah. Well, again, is that where we're going today? We're not going to get a free laptop for having hay fever.
19:51What's a constantly running nose? What's that part of? Lots of people have that, though. Just allergies. chronic rhinorrhea my mate had rhinitis and he had to sleep with a tape on his mouth you've got so many mates you've got so many mates and they're all fucked in their own way Christ you and the boys in the sunshine bus I don't know chronically irritated nasal lining but you know it's similar to there's people you just can't vote for because there's that old adage that you know most people the general public at large actually are voting for whether they want to go for a pint with the person.
20:28Sure. You know, and that was trust is great problem. So I want to skip pints, just get straight to the bed. Then I've got someone who knows they want to blow. Yeah. It's like, I shouldn't be your carer. Yeah. You know, so he's a young guy. He's pretty clapped. But in nine BC. That's early. Early. Early stuff. Nine BC. His dad. Do they ever say like, guys, we've got to stop having this view of disability. It's the year nine. Guys, come on. This is so backward. How are we still talking about this in the year nine? But it's not the year nine. It's nine BC. Oh, fuck. So they wouldn't call it that.
21:05Minus nine. Hey? Minus nine. They wouldn't even know, but it's before Christ. You're right. Yeah. But when it's zero. Well, that's in crisis. Sorry, what do they call nine BC and nine BC? That's an interesting question. They would have just relied on a universal numbering system. Well, let's hear that. Maybe years after the ruling monarchs, local magistrates, or major events. okay so it'd be just like year two caligula year four no it'd be like the year of the horse right uh so drusus anyway drusus dies and yeah they're like we've got to have a more come on you can't call him you can't use that word you know he's it's the it's the year nine bc you know come on you've got to accommodate him he doesn't mean it you know it's an involuntary tick um so his dad falls off a horse whilst in germania uh and claudius is a young but he's an infant i think at this point uh and so care gets handed over to his mother who fucking hates him can't stand him mother can't stand him he's an abortion in her words i like i love how cruel the women are in ancient rome as well yeah the women play a huge role in rome and they seem to have a lot of power and they use that power for deeply dark reasons yes i think they i think his name became a word for like a slur like lame became claudius interesting like steven he is steven is hawking us yeah uh it was often weaponized to mock people with limited mobility or paralysis there you go brutal time yeah um it is like british tv in the 2000s yes yes it is yeah fat families his grandmother uh livia basically was so ashamed by her grandson that she couldn't even look him in the fucking eye so mum and you're getting double tip mum and grandma double team you don't have any there's no one you're turning to no your emotional safe space is going you are an abortion and then you go to your granny who's meant to granny the grandmother the non-italian it said that your grandma is the only person who truly wants you to do better than themselves in your whole life true but this granny says i this is a failed i pray aloud that the roman people might be spared so cruel and undeserved a misfortune as to have him as their emperor that's awesome it's crazy now she says this that's a good man she says this are that this is i have a lot of um empathy with this because that's my nan as well right would she like that about you she's a cruel presbyterian yeah she is yeah now she said this after um there was this kind of the myth of the the eagle right so he's playing in the garden with his with his siblings and then these eagles start circling above them and they're fighting in the air over like an injured wolf, a cub.
23:52And then the cub falls from the eagle's grasp into the arms of Claudius. Right. And that then an oracle makes a prediction that he will become emperor. Because the wolf represents Romulus and Remus. Yeah. So similar to when a bride chucks the bouquet, some eagles chuck a wolf cub and a disabled guy gets it. Yeah. And then they're like, well, you're going to become the protector of Rome. And then his grandma says, oh, I hope that doesn't happen. he's fucking he's clapped he's clapped that cannot happen the poor roman people do not deserve the misfortune of having my clapped grandson run so um he as a result of this because he's still sort of blue blood and at this point in 9 bc who is emperor is it tiberius or augustus yeah is it peter or blair who's in power in 19th it is all that blair's in power so and augustus has a long and maybe the most successful.
24:42Things can only get better. Augustus is pressing the flesh outside Downing Street. Augustus is Blair if he didn't evade Iraq. Yes. That's it. That's what he is. God, imagine. He'd still be Prime Minister. You'll still think about it. He'd still be Prime Minister. He'd still be Prime Minister. In some ways he still is. He still is. He fucking still is. The amount of WhatsApps I got when he came out and he broke cover. This is your penis when Tony Blair says anything in the Times. I'm listening. I got so many WhatsApps and people saying fucking Blair's seen it. That's the circle you've created. Blair's seen it like a beach pool still.
25:18Yeah. Yeah, but also you're saying that like, God, you must be such a big deal. You've only selected people to hang out with who will message you that. That's a very selective group. I don't give out my number to anyone. All of your WhatsApp groups are going to be people who have the exact same. Anyone to the left of David Miliband, I do not give out my number to.
25:40so yeah Blair would he's still he's the only guy you know who's still seeing things still sees them clearly the day that Blair dies and we lose his third eye this country is completely ruined yeah but do you see he can't keep his hand out the cookie jar he said some interesting things about domestic policy as he often does but then he was like it was a mistake not to join Trump and Iran it's like Blair history is long flair you gotta fucking you gotta realize you've got your hand slapped stop going back there he can't help it he's construct look at him look at his piece look at his piece he's dazed every morning he's been whipped around his fucking nine bed islington townhouse by that fucking piece of ass he doesn't know what he's thinking you know do you think sheree told him off iraq in the documentaries really because sherry gave up her own political career for tony so she's got a lot of her own.
26:34But also there's a conspiracy theory that Cherie was actually running the show and that Cherie was the puppet master for Blair. Right. And that Cherie's actually... Cherie did 9-11. I don't think that's a conspiracy theory. Yeah. But you heard it here first, folks. Cherie Blair did 9-11. Yeah. She organised it. She wanted to go into Iraq. Yeah. She'd always hated Saddam and she orchestrated the 9-11 attacks so that her husband, who is nothing really, you know, he's all mouth, no trousers. She's got the fucking trousers. She's weakened at burning fucking Tony Blair. You can see in that photo, she's got her hand up his arse.
27:12Yeah, like a puppet. Playing him like a puppet. We have to be close to America. That's her saying that. Ventriloquist. High. High. High. High. Anyway, yeah, Kosovus, Northern Islander, Sierra Leone, he is in power when Claude is entrusted with very few official responsibilities because he's a little sort of clapped disabled boy. His mother's words. His mother's words, sorry. Not my words, those are his grandmother's words. Fucked in the head, as his grandmother would say. No, he can't live in an official world because he's completely fucked in the head. His bonce is gone. But his bonce isn't gone, is it?
27:49It's not. It appears to be gone. Well, this is incredibly annoying, but his bonce is not gone. The great question is how, you know, there's an idea that maybe he grows out of his disability but does that happen um no there's not well there's a theory saying that you have a disabled child you'll grow up well yes but there's a theory that uh he he learns that he's on his underestimation is actually a sign of great strength and he plays the fool yes he's tom wamsgam he's tom wamsgam that's why he's a that's the archetype that exactly what is it charlie is Is he who the emperor in Monty Python with the lisp is based on?
28:30Possibly. Could be. Possibly. I don't know. There's a big show. There's a big TV show called I Claudius in the 70s. My parents go on. It was apparently a huge deal. It was the equivalent of succession, but in the 70s. And it's Derek Jacoby played I Claudius. Who did Christopher Biggins play? Do you remember? Maybe Caligula? When I was producing a live podcast, he was the guest. Yeah. And that's when he came straight out and said that, this was 10 seconds into meeting him whole room told him that Prince Charles was frequented gay clubs in the 80s that was like told everyone 10 seconds in pretty extraordinary entrance we've covered that he would taste brilliant Biggins we have covered that he would taste brilliant can you find out what Biggins played in iClaudia yes a suckling Biggins I believe is what we said yeah he played Nero he played Nero okay Biggins is Nero oh wow look at a young Biggins gorgeous tastier when he's young Oh, it's like veal.
29:26I would love to eat I, Claudius Eero, but Eero Biggins. He looks like sort of gay Rowan Atkinson in there. Delightful. Anyway. Yeah, no, he's passed. He's passed. I wouldn't want to eat that biggins. That's like an old dairy cow. Anyway, so he now, he's a massive history guy, Claudius. Yeah, he doesn't show his history fans well, I don't think. Seeing as he's like a sniveling nerd loser. who can't go to fight in Europe and instead retreats to his book and goes, they're going to become really smart at history. Well, it is Dan Snowdram. He's got Dan Snowdram. But Dan Snow is a Chad. That's what's funny about him.
30:06He's a tall, booming voice. That's why he stands out in the history field. Yes, he is. It's because he's a rare case where he's actually, he's tall, strong. He looks like he's not a fucking nerd. Men want to be him, women want to fuck him. Dan Snow. Dan Snow, you know. He's James Bond. He is. history is James Bond you know no one's talking about Sandbrook or Holland the next Bond they're talking about Snow yeah Snow's in the run Snow's in the running I'm putting my hat in the ring for Snow right anyway so who do you think the biggest Chad is in terms of kind of traditional British broad like Ben Fogle Maidley Maidley Maidley who's in the running Maidley Maidley's bringing a knife to that fight do you think yeah Ben Fogle Danny Dyer Maidley's he's been in that El Salvador prison I saw that yeah no he's fucking people up you reckon yeah absolutely he's got no you think medley's tasty in the fight yeah absolutely absolutely I don't know he's got no social awareness well didn't that really help him he's got a complete lack of energy he doesn't hesitate doesn't hesitate to ask the question whatever's in his head what's wrong with you then he doesn't hesitate who's the one who really fell off Eamon Holmes he's fucked it hasn't he isn't he quite ill actually No, I think he's a bit naughty.
31:24Yeah, naughty Holmes. I think he might be really unwell. I think Eamon's naughty. Anyway, we're in danger of committing libel, which was... Eamon Holmes has had a stroke. Okay, breaking news. Who's he stroked? No, enough. Breaking news. Eamon Holmes has had a stroke. I guess that's what you... What? 23 hours ago, he's issued a... He had a stroke 23 hours. Right, pause this. Pause, Claudius. Men, listeners, I hope you're sitting down. Oh my God. He's got Beethoven's brother syndrome. Eamon Holmes has released the smugest face. No, I think that's the stroke. I really hope that's not a smug face.
32:09Had worse Mondays. I've had a stroke. Right. Wow. Okay, listeners, I hope you're sitting down. Eamon Holmes has had a stroke. Get well soon, Eamon. Yeah, from all of us here. film versus history. GB News will not be the same. I don't know why you're so fucking smug about it. Anyway, look, let's get back to Claudius's... He says he can't wait to be out of his gown and back into his suit and tie. That's what you think. Starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times. Your to-do list may feel endless with new tasks and lists can easily begin to overrun your life. So finding the right tool that not only helps you out, but simplifies everything as a built-in business partner can be a game changer.
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34:20I'm Andrew Harrison and this week in a special mini-series from The Bunker I ask experts and eyewitnesses how the consequences of the 9-11 attacks and the war on terror that followed still shape our world. From the rise of the security state to the tensions that still inflame the Middle East to the rise of an isolationist America First President who treats his allies with contempt. That's Terror Century, a three-part miniseries from the bunker, tracing the road from 9-11 to Donald Trump. Follow the bunker now on your favourite app. You won't want to miss it. Is everything we knew about warfare changing right before our eyes?
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35:53so uh yes claudius gets put under the tutelage of livy who is the big he's like the first historian or one of the first historian a huge roman historian so he writes extensively Now, I think his publisher asks him to write a history of the Etruscans, which is northern Italy, and they say, just keep it to two volumes, and then he writes 20. Right. So he's mad for it. He loves it. And he then gets told off by his grandmother because he starts writing accounts, like academic accounts, of Rome since Augustus. And that's like family drama. Right. That's kind of airing the dirty laundry. so he has to abandon that sort of stuff um uh because they damage his reputation so he's sort of he's politically isolated yeah um he's dribbling he's shouting fuck us come to us every other word but this is a classic you do see this uh archetype in history of the kind of bullied nerd who then retreats to the books while all the chads play outside and bides his time and kind of develops skills.
36:57I'll show them. So Augustus dies in 14 AD. Now they may have been calling it 14 at this point. They probably weren't actually. No, they definitely weren't. Because Jesus is 14. 14 AD was called the year of the consulship of Pompeius and Apollaeus. Yeah. A bit of a mouthful. That is a bit of a mouthful. I think they did. I think the numbers are better. much better it's a good system otherwise this would be the fifth year of the consulship of Sadiq Kistani's do the Taliban use our time system don't know because it is kind of cupped for Taliban or is it like is the year zero when they shot Malala in the head and then everything since then she's a Tory did you know she's a Tory doesn't surprise me Malala's a Tory well I think she comes from very conservative country yes yep and also I guess if you've been shot in the head and then you go on to become speak at the UN you would think that's you wouldn't you yeah you know so the current Islamic year is 1447 AH crazy so they use that as the yes right fair enough yeah they're about 600 behind right because it begins with the migration yes out of yes of Muhammad from Mecca to Medina fair play so it's it's the year 14 AD but if you're Muslim it is the year for 600 B yeah yeah BH BH who's H before Hajj no before Hidra.
38:24Right. I think. Don't know who that is, but I'm sure he's great. Don't cut my head off. Okay, let's crack it. Just a little off the top, please. Not the whole head. Yep, just a haircut, please. I'd like a Turkish barber haircut, not a Saudi haircut.
38:42Do you reckon if you get caught stealing in Saudi Arabia, you go, yeah, just a couple of the sides, please. Please, yeah. Nothing off the top. Augustus dies in 14. 20 Claudius is 23 at this point and he appeals to his uncle the new Emperor Tiberius I mean most uncles are creepy an uncle's a creepy word but this uncle is a paedophile with an island yes uncle Emperor Tiberius Epsteinus Islandus to allow him to begin his cursus honorum which is a sort of the structured career path I guess that's the what would you say that's like apprenticeship or like joining the civil service and starting to work your way through up the machinery of government um tiberius uh denies him and then claudius asks again twice and tiberius says no and no because you're fucked because you're clapped fuck us fuck us um so claudius then focuses on his writing career uh none of his original works have survived so we don't know if they're any good no um uh he said quote no one is more miserable than the person who wills everything and can do nothing Right, so he's steaming in the basement at the moment.
39:47Yes, he is. He's writing manifestos. Now, let's get to his love life, because his personal life is pretty hilariously tragic. There were plans for him to have married in his mid-teens. Again, this is the Roman era, so this isn't creepy at this point. However, the girl in question's family gets politically disgraced somehow, and the betrothal gets cancelled. But Claudius is, much like Hawking, seems to be quite horny and disabled. Hornkins. Stephen Hornkins.
40:17um so uh poor and disabled it's a brutal combo brutal it's a brutal it's a rare you know it's like a lunar eclipse it's a rare sight but magnificent when it emerges uh anyway so he gets betrothed to a woman called Livia Medulina uh after lots of unsuccessful attempts getting married but this girl Livia Medulina falls ill and dies on their wedding day right so um yeah Bereaved at first sight. Baffs. That's what that show would be called. In the year nine, his third attempt, Claudius marries Plautia Oglanilla. Sounds gorgeous. She's already, she's sucking off another bloke in her name. Yeah. He's that cocked that her name is Oglanilla.
41:05Sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Sorry. Could you please take that gentleman's cock out your mouth and tell her your surname? Could you please take that gentleman's cock out your mouth? Let's let the dog see the rabbit. There she is, I think. Yeah. She looks nice. She looks nice enough. White with dreads. I'd look nice on a coin, though. Do you know what I mean? I don't know if you would, actually. I think that's a massive... I think a coin would be two dimensions. Yeah. I think the more 3D, the better for you. I think when you reduce your features to 2D... Yeah, yeah. You need to spend as long a time drawing me as possible.
41:34The quicker, the worse. Because then it'll be like... Detail is your friend. Okay. If you've got 10 seconds to draw me, it's going to be pretty brutal. I know that from when I was a 12 year old and I was Gavin plumbing it behind Hollywood film stars. And people would draw me with just two circles. Okay. Detail is our friend. No, no, no, no. You've not captured my complexity. Okay. The detail of the Hawaiian shirt of the billabong shorts. Okay. Pulled up white socks and the skater shoes, even though I've never been on a skateboard in my life. The green predators. The green band predators. You know, detail is my friend.
42:08You've not captured the essence of my jowls. how it must be terrifying for a right back seeing me steaming down the left wing as an impact sub. You've not captured that. You've just drawn two circles. Anyway, so Ogle Ogle Ogle Miller gives birth to the couple's only child who's named Claudius as well. Fair play. Anyway, now, but his son, this Claudius guy, dies age four after choking on a pear. Fair enough. I mean, fuck it, Al. Yeah. Christ. How unlucky. I choke on a pear. Oh, my God. It's the most Jewish woman of all time. Yeah, it's the Idi Amin hostage crisis all over again. So there's a guy called Sejanus.
42:50Who's that? Who's Sejanus? So at this point, oh, because Tiberius is living on Capri, fucking his little fish, which is his squadron of aqua victims. He's an aqua pedo. Because he's basically busying himself doing that, the guy running the country is a guy called Segenus. So Claudius is lying low in this period. And Claudius gets betrothed. No, Claudius' son, who's also called Claudius, gets betrothed to Junilla, the daughter of Segenus. But then his son, much like his dad, is so clapped that he can't even eat a fucking pear, age four. So he dies. And I guess Claudius' grandmother goes, well, good.
43:35Yeah, thank fuck for that. You know, they're Darwinists. in the year 14. If you can't handle a pear, you didn't deserve to live. Yeah. You know, pear is early stuff. Yeah. I mean, is he putting the whole thing in? Yeah. Anyway. It's quite a dry one. You eat the whole thing though, don't you? There's no center of a pear. You just eat the whole thing, right? Yeah. There is a core. I think there is a core, but you can eat it. It's less sturdy than an apple. Sure. So anyway, so Claudius divorces his first wife in the year 24 because he thinks she's having an affair and was involved in the murder of her sister-in-law, which is irrelevant to the story.
44:15So he then remarries a woman called Aelia Paitina, who is Sejanus's adopted sister. He then, I mean, for a disabled guy who's a nerd, he's divorcing a lot, to be fair. He then divorces her because Sejanus gets executed. so wait wait wait sorry so he marries the guy who's in charge's sister because he's in charge because sejonis fell from power all of her power is gone so i guess is this when caligula comes to power that he purges sejonis maybe anyway fine we're getting we're getting a bit lost in the weeds but let's get there's a lot of names and they're all the same name yeah but uh caligula comes to power in the year i think it's 33 okay i believe which is as christ is executed I may be so Caligula actually facilitates Claudius' entrance into Roman politics because he appoints oh sorry it's the year 37 so does Christ get executed when Caligula's on the throne no sorry so he's four years he comes to power in the year 37 so Christ has been dead for four years but so Tiberius Tiberius executes Christ which is why people get so annoyed at Epstein because not only are you a paedophile, but you're also Jewish.
45:39And it was a, the Jews killed Christ, but also it was a Roman paedophile emperor who ordered him. You know, unlike athletics, where they set the difficulty for the flip and they need to land it. That was like a high difficulty. Yeah, that was quite. I think you smacked your ball from the bar. Yeah. You know what I mean? Well, it doesn't matter. You know what? people don't like Epstein for many reasons. Yes. Yeah. But he looked good. He did. Not enough people say it. That's true. Like so many things, I'm a salmon swimming upstream, complimenting that man for how he does. Anyway. So Caligula appoints Claudius, who is his uncle, as a consul.
46:27Now, I can't remember what a consul is, but it's a thing. It's an important thing. In the running of the country, I get a bit confused with Caligula and Nero because they're both just doing mad stuff. But Caligula was madder than Nero. Nero was the populist theatre kid he won. Yeah, Nero fiddles while Rome burned. Caligula made his consular horse. And Caligula was the sex pest who fucked everyone's wives. Fucked everyone's wives, even during dinner. He'd be having a cabinet meeting and then he'd be like, wait here, and he'd just go and fuck someone's wife. And then she'd come back with ruffled hair.
46:57And he'd be like, six on ten. Is it like those porn scenes where they're having dinner and then like... Yes. She's under the table. I don't really watch it. Explain, explain. There's like, they're having like pasta and the grandma's over and so is the dad but then him and his sister are there. They're under the table at it and I imagine that's what it was like with Caligula where he's just like shagging people while they're having like big meetings. Or it'd be like under the table or it'd be like the wife is asking the husband how his day is. This cucky guy is like, you know, fiddling around with the cupboards and she's just getting plowed with a guy with a balaclava while she's asking oh from behind and she's just like yeah I mean that is acting to be fair to those women acting that's great acting when they're like oh no I had a great day and they're having to with their eyes they're having to imbue pleasure and also fear it's fantastic fantastic stuff what a woman can do what an actress can do with their eyes you know what about the men sorry do you think that there's anything the men don't get the men don't get talked about enough they don't get the credit they're just kind of dogs at the porn at porn conferences apparently it's very sad the men's tables.
48:03I nearly went this year to the, to the, because Ben Dover was going to be there. Do you know Ben Dover? You told me about Ben Dover. He is the, he's better known for his. I nearly, I nearly went to Ben Dover. What's Ben Dover? Ben Dover's there. What's he got? He's, he's, he began producing the Ben Dover's Kick-Ass Anal Adventure series. And then he's, Is that for kids? I'm saying this stuff as if I've heard of it. Oh, the Kick-Ass Anal Adventure series. Oh, sorry, that's the exec producer how do you know Bend Over he's Tiger Drew Honey's dad you know who's outnumbered no oh really Hugh Dennis no Hugh Dennis is the executive producer on the on the Anal Adventures series no Tiger Drew Honey who's yes the young girl the main son in Outnumbered the oldest son in Outnumbered the son or the daughter this guy oh my god look Tiger Drew Honey his dad is Bend Over who's done a lot of film making yeah And I was going to go meet him and maybe make a video with him.
49:05Not a porn video, a view from a bridge. I mean, it would be interesting to go to the porn awards, I guess. Yeah. Kind of a unique vibe. I don't think we're nominated this year.
49:18If we are, something's gone quite wrong with the show, I think. Complaining this is a fucking disgrace. We don't win Best Gang Bang. Would that sink the company? Because you know how Skepta did a porno. Did you hear about this? No, I didn't hear about this. Skepta did a porno. but it didn't sync his career. I don't have Google notifications for porn news, Charlie, unlike you. Very, very across. Well, would it sync the company if we made a porno, but if it was like beautiful, if it was like incredible. I don't think it's what people want. I would love to see... As an expression of art. It'd be interesting to see the live Patreon ticker.
49:50What's the video it could make that would make it go down the fastest? Because it's quite hard to lose patrons. People forget to subscribe. It seems. Yeah. At a terrifying rate. It's growing. But, so please don't subscribe anymore. it's getting embarrassing it's really boring behind that paywall we're not having the best time it's awful um but yeah i it would be because people forget to unsubscribe to patrons i do wonder don't remind them what would you have to know we got two minutes it's on koof if any it is on koof no it is vulgar it is vulgar our patron is vulgar it'd be classy if it was like a like i think maybe like six or seven thousand is like a there's a classiness that's it yeah it's like there's like a an elite group there's a exclusivity to it yes this is any old fucking it is it's pigs it's a horde it's not it is yeah but we're trying to take over afghanistan it doesn't feel like the most discerning patron when this many people can connect with what we're doing so we've done something wrong we have done something wrong it's too popular we've opened the gate and now the only future is for us to get to keep going until we hit uh was it taliban 120 120 grand 120 we're at the el salvador dorian mega prison at the minute currently we're madely in el salvador this is what me the patient is madely in el salvador yeah it is um anyway look we are going to if you want to help us take on the taliban in order to make life even worse for afghan women then join the patron i think don't subscribe to us i think i'll subscribe we must finish the story.
51:20Okay. Caligula is in power. He has made Claudius, his nephew, one of the highest elected magistrates in Rome. Claudius is now in the system. So, he appointed Claudius because Caligula, as you said, is the showman. He wants to humiliate him in public. Is he the showman? Nero's the showman. They're both showmen. Both showmen. Nero's the one who does the chariot racing. Yes. Right, anyway. Caligula was madder. Yes, but Caligula is the one doing the kind of big public shows, the spectacles, the fake battles and all that. But Caligula gets Claudius there because he's the one who humiliates the Senate more than anyone.
51:59Yes. And he thinks Claudius is funny because it's funny to have his cerebral palsy dribbling uncle. Tourette's or uncle. But make him, in the way that he married his horse, he was like, well, I'll make this fucking idiot will be one of my counsellors because he's stupid and no one will ever respect him. He would throw olive stones at him. yeah yeah so but Claudius I'm I claim that he's playing along and undermining his own intelligence so I'm not feeling the threat yeah no one suspects the fable uncle yeah but his but the point is that his visible afflictions arguably keep him alive under because anyone else would be a threat exactly anyone related this closely related to the Julian Claudian line ladies anyway in the year 38 Claudius marries his third wife Valeria Messalina.
52:48Claudius is nearly 50. Messalina is 18. Woof us. Yes. Now she... Woof us granders. Woof us. Now she... We'll get into more in the second episode. She's hilarious. Yeah. I mean, as if this guy... She's a great woman. She's a terrific woman. If this poor cunt hadn't had it bad enough with the lottery of his disabilities that he's won. Yeah. And, you know, the fact that his son dies in a pair. kind of cuck all-timer, like the goat of being cucked. In the grand scheme of all-time cucks. His numbers don't lie. He's Michael Jordan of getting cucked. Yeah, because she is his Scotty Pippen. Yeah. All right.
53:27You can't have Jordan without the rest of that team. Yeah. And there's a guy, Tyreek told me this. Do you know that there's a guy called Steve Kerr who's in that team as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is, Tyreek told me this. Was he the one white guy? Yeah. Yeah. He's got a brother. Do you know what his first name is? What? Nick. Now, Tyreek told me that. Okay. he thought he was funny was he at the BAFTAs? no he wasn't at the BAFTAs he was shouting at the BAFTAs it's like you know the part Steve Steve
53:55no Dan Dan Nick Nick don't make me say the full name Nick anyway so now wow Messalina and Claudius would have two children Claudia and Britannicus now on the 24th of January 41 Caligula meets his end in a corridor with the Praetorian Guards hacking him to death because he just he'd taken the piss too much yes he had taken the piss too much and all of the power which has become clear when you're wondering how do people take power it's all about having the Praetorian Guard on your side that seems to be the fundamental way if you want to take control you have to take control of the Praetorian Guard the only people allowed swords in the city and basically, if you're in the pocket, if they're in your pocket, you can take over, basically.
54:48So Claudius witnesses the assassination supposedly and is terrified hiding behind a palace curtain. Oh, please. Fuck us, fuck us. Cunt us. Now, a Praetorian guard spots Claudius' feet poking out from behind the curtain and drags him out. So Claudius falls to his knees to beg for mercy dribbling and laughing fuck us fuck us and everyone thinks well this guy's going to be executed yeah and yet instead the guard salutes him as the new emperor now what has gone on here we will deal with that in part two fuck us which is already on our Patreon where for three pounds a month you can sign up to become part of this vulgar class of new money, katana-wielding idiots.
55:48Trash. Trash. They are trash. It's trash to join our Patreon. And we're biggest in the UK. Yeah. And it's just a matter of time. We're bigger than ISIS. Yes. We're bigger than Hamas. And we are trying to get to be as big as the Taliban. We blew Hezbollah out the window. Fuck off, Hezbollah. Nothing. in um so join the patron to get instant access to the rest of this story and our bonus this week is on uh hercules it's great the original is so much better than the disney version my god um that's already on the patreon uh if not we will see you on thursday yeah for the continuation of the story of claudius good night now goodbye goodbye
56:39Thank you.
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Nobody Suspects The Disabled Emperor!
Claudius (Part One)
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Chapters:
00:00 - Lights Out, Night Night
04:35 - Iraqus
10:44 - The First Phrenology
15:05 - Fuckus!
18:56 - He’s Clapped
22:36 - Grow Up!
29:39 - Eamonn Holmes
33:41 - Stephen Hornkins
37:14 - Ben Dover
46:13 - Woofus
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