The Hiroshima That Turned Vikings Into Latté-Papas | The Great Northern War

0:00This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. The Colonel's cooked up a new$10 bucket of the day just for you. Monday, 10 wings for$10. Tuesday, 8-piece fried chicken for$10. Wednesday, 8 tenders for$10.

0:41Thursday, 10 wings for$10. Friday, 24 nuggets for... Ooh, you guessed it, didn't you? $10. The$10 bucket of the day deal. Every weekday, only at KFC. It's finger-lickin' good. Prices and participation vary while supplies last. It's not available on third-party ordering platforms. Tax extra. A burst pipe. A dead water heater. The AC calling it quits. Who do you call? HomeServe is an easy way to handle unexpected home repairs. With plans covering stuff basic homeowners insurance usually won't. Instead of scrambling for a contractor, you make one call to get the repair process started. Join the millions of customers who trust HomeServe right now.

1:22Go to homeserve.com slash podcast for 50 % less your first year. That's homeserv.com slash podcast. Savings compared to renewal price. Void in Florida.

1:42Welcome back to Finberth's History. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. Hey, up. It's the Great Northern World. It's the Great Northern World. this is two fat women on mobility scooters fighting over a Greg's steak bake yes a historic war a war that's still going on up there yeah it's the best gravy

2:13and this is this is the person the mayor of which is now the private yeah yeah the Mayor of the Great Northern War. It's not the Great Northern, British War, which is still ongoing. This is the Great Northern War in Eastern Europe, which is foundational to modern-day Eastern Europe. And you might think, who the fuck cares? Good question. It's a good question, but it's also very interesting. If you've been to these countries, which I have, not for sex tourism, I must stress that. I make it very clear. I've never been a sex tourist. Yes. Whoever says that. Whoever says that is wrong. That is liable.

2:52The only place I've been to the sex tourism is Surrey. Okay. Which I'm not a fan of going abroad for my sex tourism. Yeah, you've got to keep it in the country, you know. Yes, exactly. Restore Britain. Now, to recap, we've been discussing Peter the Great. He's massive with a small head and big hands. Yes. He walks like this. He walks like this. He walks like David Byrne, I guess. and he has he's witnessed the entire death of his family by pikes blah blah blah stop whining get on with it he shaves all of the orthodox priest's beards he has got a mantra of a wife who he sent to a nunnery rightly so and in 1697 he is looking across the border at the massive Swedish empire and a young 15 year old it's the 90s supple this is the 1690s a supple young twink of a thing has become the king of Sweden and the Swedish Empire yeah now obviously nowadays Sweden has an empire built on flat pack furniture benefits oil reserves fucking paper turning to leave yeah and you know a sort of unspoken monoculture you know they don't really let immigrants in but everyone just ignores that no they are now are they Because what's interesting about Sweden is they're always seen as by the left.

4:16They were held as like, that's like a left wing paradise. Yeah. And the right. Yeah. The nativist right. Yeah. And then they let some Syrians in and they immediately voted in fascists. Yes. On a dime. Yeah. Just completely. One brown guy turned up and is like, no, we're Nazis. Can't have this. Can't have this. So could chuck their fucking flat hat furniture out the window. Exactly. Get out. But I've got a Swedish friend. So I stay abreast of the sort of, I like the Scandinavian infighting that goes on. but the Swedes don't actually have that much oil. It's all Norway, isn't it? It's all Norway and now Denmark, who Sweden used to look down on because Sweden was always just more sophisticated.

4:50They had great businesses. They still do. But now Denmark has the Zempik economy. Of course. So the whole of Denmark has just had this crazy boom. Well, interestingly, Denmark is also where all of insulin is made. So it's the diabetes like patient zero. Yeah. And now Sweden's really falling behind Denmark, basically. And they're very bitter about it. But anyway, at this point, this is the height of Swedish supremacy. The late 17th century, we're in the early 18th century. Again, as we were saying, a sort of, yeah, a bit of a gray area in the British imagination. Because it's just like Sweden is the most terrifying military force in the world.

5:28It's too much context to deal with. So it's like, I'll skip. Skip to the fucking British Empire or something. Yeah, exactly. World War II, fuck it. World War II, fuck it, fuck it. So who's Charles XII? he has been trained for war from birth basically Sweden is Sparta in this period I don't really believe no it's the first time it's Greta Thunberg and I keep Ikea Ikea Ikea what's that child I like it means how are you doing in Swedish we are the Sparta we're gonna kill you yeah this is Greta Thunberg we're the most terrifying warriors in the whole of Europe but I guess Greta Thunberg has you know she has that fire in her What was that thing where she said when she was crying?

6:09You have stolen our future. Yeah. Now, I'd always put that down to Asperger's. Yeah. Rather than some kind of innate Swedish aggression. How dare you? But no, to be fair, her and the Palestine flotilla, that's very Viking. Yes. She was on her way. Hoor. Hoor. Yeah. Yeah. She was on her way to rape and pillage. She was. We don't know. The boat. Guys, can you pick somewhere else? They're having a tough enough time as it is. thank god the brave idf intercepted thank god that rape for tiller thank god again i'd just like to say this episode is brought to you on the backs of the idf yeah shout out our sponsors idf thank you for your continued support and the iron dome a crowd funder for the continuation of the iron dome is uh tied in there but yes thank god the rape was stopped uh what an awful idea yeah anyway um so he grew up hunting uh charles the 12th because Sweden is a military power and so to be king, this is the age where kings lead from the front.

7:12They're also the field marshal. He's hanging out the front of it. He's hanging out the front of it. He kills his first bear aged 11. Did you smash it? Of course, Stuart question. Only the night of the week, Charles is hanging out the front of it. It's an age of hard men, this. Killing a bear at age 11 is not the same now. It's Sweden where it's run by hard men killing bears rather than whiny autists complaining about fossil fuels it's a different time yeah but he sort of he's a prankster growing up much like peter the great yes um you know he loves he loves bears he loves dwarfs because this is a bit monty and rommel where these two great geniuses reflect each other it is a bit monty and rommel yes um although they're kind of i say a lot more to the monty rommel are military commanders these guys are military commanders but they also have the statecraft, the kings.

8:02But they're also very similar. Charles XII and Peter the Great. Yes, there are differences. And I think they're more similar than Monten Romuald. Yes, they're not like opposites. No. At some point, he got a bear drunk and chucked it out a window. There's a lot of throwing. He defenestrated a bear. Well, to be fair, we are in the golden era of defenestration at this point. The great defenestration, the third defenestration of Prague is in 16... Only 100 years before maybe. Not even that, because it's the start of the 30 years war. so it's about 80 years ago I realise you're an expert please I'm going to defend a straight from correspondence yes I am a pseudo science MA in phonology so the one who got thrown off a bridge is that what's that called that's called Brazilian bungee jumping yep so he's yep he's defenestrating bears which we're trying this new like minimal eco-friendly bungee jumping where you don't really use any materials A rope, yeah.

9:00Just called Hope for the Best. But anyway, he becomes serious around 18. So he gives up liquor, strong alcohol. So he's still nailing pints, I think. He starts sleeping on the floor to toughen himself up. Japanese stuff. Yes. He's actually quite Stephen Bartley in a way, in some ways. In a way. I think it's just more like he's very much like optimised. It ruined my life. Yeah, he's got like an optimisation approach to life. very Protestant, very severe, very disciplined. Yes, although he's not that concerned with marginal gains. Right. He's kind of an all or nothing guy. Yes, that's true. A big part of his personality is his Lutheranism, and the Great Northern War is a contest between his Lutheranism and Peter the Great's orthodoxy.

9:46Which is a rare combo. You don't see that. Lutherans versus orthodox. As a spice bag, I don't know what meat I'm putting that on. Lutheran orthodox. Yeah, I don't know what's going on there. There's like a herring with fucking cabbage on it. like yeah i mean i don't hate it yeah because there's not they're not opposites in the same way no but then i suppose this is the where the baltic meets so it's nuanced it is new differences well it's as i was saying you know prostitutism is about stoicism about our lasting suffering orthodoxy is more about suffering is the only way we can get to god is to feel pain so feeling pain is good it's not about being enduring it and outlasting it it's about enjoying it being in the moment of watching my family be butchered throwing a bear out a window so i guess like lutheranism would be like semen retention and orthodoxy would be getting a rope and like choking yourself so you now you're talking this audience's language yeah you know protestantism is a plain room yeah orthodoxy is a sex dungeon yeah all right yeah this episode of inverse history is Brought to you by Surfshark.

10:49Guys, look, you've heard it from us before. Yeah. No homo. No homo. I love Surfshark. Yeah, that's fair enough. He said it. He said no homo. No homo, I'm gay. No homo, I want to go down on Surfshark. Who is Mr. Surfshark? I don't know. I'd like to meet him. I'd love to shake his hand. I'd love to see his tight little trousers around his thighs. If only I could see it, but he's too well protected. Why? He's got a padlock over his ass. How come? Because he's Mr. Surfshark. and what does that mean he doesn't let anyone within an inch of his trousers he's got a chastity belt if you like so this is an internet chastity belt because public wi-fi is dangerous they're like the public toilets of the digital world oh go in there you think you know what you're going in for you don't know what you're leaving with yeah i went in for a piss i've got aids that's a bad that's a bad deal that's a bad deal the exchange rate is bad i went in for a pp and i came out with full-blown aids and that's because i went to a public toilet in shepherd's bush yeah and they said it's a bar now well you've not cleaned it up properly did you go into the aids toilet well that's my yeah that's to be fair it said men women disabled and aids i misread that and i went into the aids one that's fair enough yeah it could happen to the best of us but more often happens but if surf shark had been running those public toilets that one would have been locked yes because surf shark once your device connects to the internet all the information is encrypted basically you need to be a medieval king about with his daughter about your your internet right yes chassis bell yeah don't go out after fucking 7pm i want seven men queuing auditioning to have sex with her i want you to have a real tough time at taking a shit because you've got a steel pants welded to your to your bottom half and that is surf shark there is a risk-free 30 day money back guarantee if you use the code FVH.

12:41Sing it with me. Foxtrot Vagina Hotel. We run the Foxtrot Vagina Hotel and you get four extra runs of Surfshark. Don't let these online threats catch you off guard. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans.

13:22A burst pipe, a dead water heater, the AC calling it quits. Who do you call? HomeServe is an easy way to handle unexpected home repairs. With plans covering stuff, basic homeowners insurance usually won't. Instead of scrambling for a contractor, you make one call to get the repair process started. Join the millions of customers who trust HomeServe right now. Go to homeserve.com slash podcast for 50 % less your first year. That's homeserve.com slash podcast. Savings compared to renewal price void in Florida. he now his predestination much like edi amin he thinks he knows when he's going to die or rather he knows that god will kill him which is informed by his lutheranism yes because i think because uh with protestantism now you can have your own relationship with god yeah it now means that he's basically becomes like a almost schizophrenic where he's just talking to this guy on his shoulder yes he's telling him to do things yes which in a way i don't think catholics would catholics would look for signs but he thinks he's got like a direct he thinks he's whatsapp and god the whole time yes exactly charlie charlie charlie charlie if you missed the last episode and what i should have said in the recap is that charlie has been ai imaging of imaging ai images of us being intimate on the sofa together which i think we looked it up it is sexual harassment you producing this pod is like the brazilian bungee jump guys like yes it is your job is to help the podcast not we're trying to get through a plan and you're doing the literal opposite right it's inappropriate right it's gender and sexual harassment we could we could have you fired so the power imbalance means that i can't be tried for this um well the power imbalance your boss your boss is your boss yes you can yes you can yes you can the boss is the boss once you can just do what you like to the boss you can rape the boss can you yeah can you i think so yeah really i think so yeah um so it's like a secret millionaire tv show yeah the boss can't rate the boss um so at his coronation he places the crown on his own head and then just goes to the coronation with the crown on because he's like well it's not for me to be crowned by anyone else god's crowning me i'll do it myself we don't need to get into the holstorp holstein gottorp alliance what we need to get into is uh the uh augustus ii of the polish polish lithuanian commonwealth ladies calm down we're talking about the polish lithuanian commonwealth on augustus ii okay uh now he is called augustus the strong because one of his favorite things to do as kind of a masculine flex was to throw animals high into the air and then they would fall to their deaths and splat on the ground this is the age of throwing things yes there's a lot of all the men are throwing stuff throwing out of windows yeah what's the proper name charlie stop stop making ai images of us what's that what's this what's that he's fucking pissing himself charlie can you google what is what is it called when you throw a fox into the air what's that called fox it's throwing in the fox tossing is it called fox tossing it is fox tossing right augustus once tossed 200 foxes into the air and they all died which is pretty would be extraordinary sight yes i think i think to go somewhere and then your greeting is a man throwing 200 foxes so high up in the air that they splatter on the floor but also that's going to take a long time i feel once i've seen absolutely horrifying once i've seen like 10 i'm like i get it i get it oh look at this this is like there's it's like group fox tossing fox tossing tournament of the early 18th century two people hold the ends of a long sling and catapult the animals in the air that's not how I heard it that's not how I heard it described is that the foxes flying in the air at the top of the screen wow but maybe that's a kind of competitive version you can just lob one up can I get some more photos of fox tossing please there you go there's like clay fox tossing pull wild boar tossing wow they all died that's also horrifying death just broken but there must be like some of them half alive so yeah he does this 200 he puts 200 animals in the air when he meets Peter the Great Augustus in the late 1690s to impress him he does this with like badgers monkeys bears any animal basically just gets a zoo he's a guy's guy to be fair to him he's looking around a zoo going I reckon I could throw that he's the straightest guy in this story for sure yes no 100 % It's quite a gay age, actually, with all the wigs and stuff and all the tights.

18:05But throwing 200 foxes in the air and having 300 illegitimate children. Well, fox tossing is like axe tug, isn't it? You do it for a stag do. Yeah. Go fox tossing. Yeah. So as you say, fathers supposedly have 300 illegitimate children. And he is the ruler of the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. Can't even get into that. It's a weird... It's too much to go into. Yeah. It's odd. It's well built, I guess. Yes. I've been to Lithuania and yeah, never again. Never again. I've also been though to the Baltic. The Baltic is a brilliant part of the world. Why? It's just... It's very modern and clean, right?

18:41Yeah, and very Scandinavian. And I was surprised when I went there as to how actually it felt like Scandinavia. I was assuming you'd feel more like Russia. But now I understand that because it was Scandinavian before it was Russian, and then Russian interference has happened since then. And they've been pushing back, trying to reclaim a sort of Scandinavian identity. I see. So I went to Tartu, which is right on the Russian border in Estonia. It's like a student town. And that's where I got so drunk drinking Soviet Jägermeister. They're called Spartans that I walk through a McDonald's drive through in the snow.

19:14So it's a great place, the Baltics. That's great. Great fun. Really good fun. Anyway, so because little boy, what's his name? Charles XII is 15. Everyone underestimates him and thinks that it's time that the other powers in the region take on the Swedish Empire because they think it's going to be weak. So a secret meeting occurs in 1698 where Peter the Great and Augustus the Strong begin discussing direct action. Denmark's Frederick V soon joins in, which creates a three-pronged coalition designed to strike Sweden simultaneously. We must stop Sweden. We must stop Sweden. And this is why I quite like this war.

19:59It's got echoes of the breakup of Yugoslavia. Yes. In that you've got this sort of big confederation of different peoples being held together and then all hell breaks loose and there's several different wars going on at the same time. Yeah. It's white on white violence. And also it's white on white. It's the mayonnaise derby. It's builder derby stuff, isn't it? Yeah. So everyone assumes that Sweden would collapse quickly. And so in early 1700, the coalition strikes. But they underestimate the Swedes because the Swedes are the military power of this time. Yeah. Even though they've got far less troop numbers.

20:43Yeah. Why are they so good? They've got flint lock rifles. Fuck yeah. girls take your pants off well look I don't think that's it I normally don't say so seems like a side note sorry I normally say change your change your pants not take your pants sounds like you you've got them at gunpoint you just look at a flintlock rifle what's with a flintlock rifle take your pants off no that's that's a chat up line that someone in the all singing all dancing sin on a fool I've got a flintlock rifle take your pants off um and the russians uh the swedish have flint locks which are sort of what's this it means that the the ignition is a piece of flint hitting steel which creates a spark whereas a match lock rifle is what the russians have and that's where you have to put a fucking bit of rope to the gun yeah i mean it's like setting off a bomb but muskets are pretty new right so modern warfare's only just started yes right in many ways maybe this you'd say this is one of the first modern wars maybe the english civil war is the first war with like muskets and pikes and swords and shit what's the first musket war i mean they've got muskets in japan in the feudal japan in the wars uh italian wars 1494 1559 primitive hand cannons um obviously nowadays a hand cannon is the um quick quick shot launch masturbator um which no one has at this point No.

22:10They also have, the Swedes have a strong gun to pike ratio. You've got to. In any group of men, you've got to have a strong gun to pike ratio. Yeah. And so, Charles XII, he's leading an elite military force, but also he thinks he knows when he's going to die, or rather, he's kind of, he doesn't think he's going to die because he thinks he's been chosen by God. He's a shagger. He's a fun guy. And he's all, He's all or nothing. Charles. Is he a fun guy? He's quite severe. He's fucking intense. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't say chucking a bear out a window, having got it drunk. But that was him. He didn't go very serious.

22:51That was him before 18. Those are his crazy days. I prefer his earlier stuff. Yeah. And then he locked in and became very serious. When you lock in, I'm getting a lot of these reels on Instagram. Yes. POV, you locked in for six months. There's a guy who looks like me, and then they look ripped. And I'm like, ah. I lock in for about a week, and then I start eating yogurt again yogurt? yeah I can't stop eating Greek yogurt is that bad? no yogurt's good right? well not for these fuckers they're just eating how much yogurt you eat if it's a problem I mean a lot I really like Greek yogurt covering honey and dates yeah that's the problem that's the problem but locking in is boring when you start putting Smarties on your yogurt it doesn't mean anything then I'm just eating fucking chocolate again you know locking in Flint locking in these boys oh here we go so let's get into the Great Northern War.

23:38To remind you, there is a Russian-Danish-Polish-Lithuanian coalition against the Swedes. My God, ladies, I hope you're sitting down. If you're on your period, stop listening to this one. Or maybe start listening, actually. This is a good one to listen to on your period. You may get pregnant if we go any further. It might induce menopause. It could start early menopause with how horny this is. Is that how you start? I don't fucking know anything. I don't know I'm just do you know what witch science there's a lot of conversation about how men the awareness around the perimenopause and the menopause yeah and I'm like I'm gonna fucking freebase it I'm gonna freebleed it fuck it you're not going through menopause though no I know but the idea is is that men there's a discussion so men are more sympathetic to how annoying their partners are when they hit perimenopause but it's only it's a red flag the idea of someone who knows fucking red rag yeah red rag the ins and outs of menopause it's a bit much I think if a bloke knows a lot about menopause it's like what are you yeah what's going on there oh are you alright you're on menopause when would you ever say that I like how you try to go for something but you didn't know enough about menopause no but I'm saying you'd never say that to a woman in public are you yeah oh you look a bit hot you married menopause or something no I'm a good guy I understand that it's quite funny to say that it is quite funny you're menopause I know it's just hot alright don't worry forget about it that's a really stupid thing to say you're menopausal no oh fine so let's get into the siege of Riga there is an imperial arrogance to Peter the Great and the coalition they think they're going to snuff out the Swedish Empire quickly but very early on they realise that they've bitten off all they can chew because the first thing is the siege of Riga where Augustus strikes from the south tosses foxes over the walls he's firing foxes at Charles and the battle quickly descends into a freezing mud-soaked nightmare.

25:35Yeah. Okay. The ground gets so hard that Saxon engineers have to use explosives to dig trenches. Right. And then when the spring thaws, they thaw the ground and it's just a sewer. Right. They've also got a 74-year-old general. Oh, no, that's the Swedes. So the Swedes are defending Riga. With Joe Biden at the helm. Joe Biden at the helm. Sleepy Joe. And yet somehow he does so well that the Saxons starve and they have to eat boiled leather. They're loving it though. Again, how close to Estonian cuisine is that? Yeah. Anyway, we don't know. They eat horses and dogs and then they eat their own shoes.

26:15Yeah. They soak their shoes in river water to make it soft enough to swallow. But Riga does not fall. And so Augustus retreats into Poland. Meanwhile, at the same time, God, this is exciting. Yeah. Denmark and Norway enter the war under Frederick IV. Yeah. I said fifth earlier, I meant fourth. They open up a second front. A second front. Fuck. There's a second front in the Great Northern War. That means there's another shit regional town where there's another Greggs opened and a woman on a military scooter is kicking a pigeon. Yeah. Another bloke enters the gangbang. Another bloke. I don't want to.

26:48No, I don't want to make it a gangbang. Sorry. I don't want to. I don't want to think about a regional northern gangbang. Sorry. Okay. Shut the move, bastard twat. I don't want. No. Northern regional porn. It's more than me, Nobbing Gravy. I don't want to think about. look how much you've woken up slap it look how much you fucking please slap it charlie's woken up no i don't want to think about northern porn no thank you spread me spread me laura um anyway there's a second front uh and oh christ at this point peter's not in the wall pop it up my fart factory

27:27Peter the Great's not in the war yet okay and basically the story of this part of the war we have to skip lots of it because it's a fucking mess it takes ages it goes on for so long but basically the Poles and the Danes fuck it against the Swedes early on but then I think he then counterattacks Denmark and within three months knocks Denmark completely out the war out the war blows them to pieces and from that point onwards what the Danish did is they put, they're like, right, we're going to super defend this city. And then they didn't defend the other city. So he just went to that city. It's like Italians in the desert.

28:04And they just, within three months, they completely collapsed. So he's managed, even though they've got three fronts, he's managed to just quickly knock them all out. Yeah. So, Peter the Great enters the war in 1700. In the film, there's always that scene in the film where they underestimate the skinny guy who's good at kung fu and there's some thugs and a car park start on him. Yeah. And then he knocks everyone out. Yeah. That's sort of what's happening here. So Peter the Great goes, don't worry guys, I've got this. Yeah. He enters the war in August of 1700 with a massive field army of about 40 ,000 men and they're going towards Narva, which is, now is that in today's Finland or is that, no, I guess it would be in Russia.

28:43It's right on the Finnish Russia. It's in the Gulf of Finland, right on the border. I think it's in today's Russia, but at this point it's Finnish, but that's Swedish. Estonia, whatever. it's all fucking you know happy clappy paternity leave paternistan right um uh there's a there's a name for like a milky coffee dad that's like a name yeah in scandinavia yeah in sweden where they have where where you know all the dads are pedos for a year whatever so they're baby on the front and you have a cappuccino milky coffee yeah and it's like oh i'm on milky coffee lead latte dad maybe it's a latte dad but there's a swedish word for it soy boy it's not soy boy that's that's a soy boy is a is an archetype on tinder isn't it or like latte papa that's it latte papa latte papa oh hello i'm a latte papa yeah the most fearsome army in the world yeah exactly a field of latte papas the west has fallen yeah now they all have papooses with kids and drinking milky coffees they used to throw bears out the window It's crazy, isn't it?

29:44How times have changed. Anyway, so the Russian force way outnumbers the Swedish one at Narva, but they're all thick Ruskies. They're all thickos, and they've only just learned how to hold a musket. It's the classic Russian thing. It's like their military record up to this point is terrible, and always in any great war in Russia, they always start terribly. They're always underprepared. It's really always peasants who don't know how any of it works, and they just get absolutely annihilated. I think they had 40 ,000 people and Sweden has 10 ,000 people. Yeah. And Sweden lost 700 people. Russia, 8 ,000 die.

30:20And I think 20 ,000 get taken prisoner. But they love that. They absolutely love that. And so as a result of this defeat, they get gulagged. They gulagged. This is the turning point of the war, you'd say. So by what time does the Battle of Narva end? November 1700. So by this point, Sweden absolutely nailing the war. Okay. they've defeated the Russians at Narva in the north they've defeated they've held Riga they've knocked everyone out and they could easily go for terms yeah well this is it if Charles XII was less of an all or nothing guy he could just stop here and he's got loads of territory but because Augustus broke a promise to him because I think Augustus they're cousins I just didn't say that yeah they're cousins and Augustus said I'll always have your back because he didn't he was like he needs to make him pay for it fuck you man so this is where he starts chasing Augustus in kind of Benny Hill style.

31:14For about five years? Yeah, through the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. And this gives Peter the Great time to reform his military. And he realizes, you know, Western bother that he is, that Russia are backward. And so one of the first things he does is he stops gay soldiers getting involved. That's the first thing. First thing. Right. The problem is you're all benders. That's the problem. Yeah, that's the first problem with our backwards-looking army. I see why we've lost here. because the soldiers are hanging out the back of each other. They are hanging out the back of each other. They're going to be hanging out the front of it.

31:45They've been engaging in gay activities and so he bans homosexual activity for soldiers. Lesbianism remained completely legal. Now that can't be right whoever wrote the script because lesbianism has not been discovered at this point. Yes. Okay. We're in 1700. It was discovered by Captain Cook maybe. Maybe. That's still very early for me. Right. Name a lesbian. Maybe Shackleton. did he find it you know lesbianism there's a point in history where lesbianism doesn't exist it was just women were very ugly right so their choices were limited housing days easiest to understand Charlie get the photo up of the Iranian princess right perhaps this is the first lesbian maybe but again this was the height of beauty at this point can you name a lesbian before claire balding wow i mean she doesn't strike me as someone who's chowing through cog no yeah she's yeah she's that face has been built for muff diving yeah yeah she's got a bib on she's wearing it a funny way around but yeah she gets right in there that's why she's got the bib that covers her clothes don't get dirty a lesbian researcher is typing some nonsense about ancient Greece.

33:04Yeah. No. Lesbos is the, it's a myth. Yeah. Lesbos is a myth. The first lesbian in my mind is Claire Balding. Yeah. When was Claire Balding born, Charlie? I want to say the 60s. But he tries to straight up the army where you can't have gay guys, but if two, 71. If two girls want to kiss, then that's kosher basically. 71. Claire Balding. Right. Lesbism was born in the 70s. That makes sense, doesn't it? Miriam Margulies. Well, as soon as the big growlers come out. All bets are off. Yeah. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work?

33:41It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro Plans. A burst pipe. A dead water heater. The AC calling it quits. Who do you call? HomeServe is an easy way to handle unexpected home repairs. With plans covering stuff basic homeowners insurance usually won't. Instead of scrambling for a contractor, you make one call to get the repair process started.

34:21Join the millions of customers who trust HomeServe right now. Go to homeserve.com slash podcast for 50 % less your first year. That's homeserve.com slash podcast. savings compared to renewal price void in Florida. I see you. Avatar Fire and Ash is now streaming on Disney+. It's the film critics are calling the best Avatar yet. A true epic and completely jaw-dropping. This is the only purest thing in this world. Return to Pandora on Disney+. It will be an adventure for the whole family. And watch the Oscar-winning phenomenon at home. This is sick! Avatar Fire and Ash now streaming on Disney Plus.

35:02Rated PG-13. So Peter, anyway, so he reformed. Now this stuff's all very Cromwell New Model Army, actually. Yes, very much so. He professionalizes the military. He also introduces conscription. Yeah. This is the first time Russia basically goes, we're going to use the entire state, put them on a war footing. Yes. Mass conscription. He introduces loads of taxes. I think he even taxes moustaches. Yeah. As well as beards. Yeah. Taxes absolutely everything. Births? Yeah. So if you give birth, you have to pay tax. He melts down all the church, a lot of church bells for cannons and stuff. Yeah, but just this overnight, he builds like factories by melting down church bells.

35:42And so he completely puts the entire state into war. What is it, Charlie? You've been tempted by a bell ringing. Campanology? Is that what it's called? My aunt and uncle do campanology in Bedfordshire, yeah. You ever had a go? No. No. It does look nice. Got a lot to get through. Yeah. We'll talk about it afterwards. I think I'll duck out of that one as well, actually.