The Sound of Blue Balls | Beethoven: The Great Composers (Part 2)

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1:33welcome back to finn versus history as ever i'm joined by horatio goulds today we're talking about ludwig van beethoven sick beethoven sick beethoven uh the incels orchestra man my god what i mean i love this i had no idea how how sick beethoven was it's sick yeah he's he's he's like a an absolute nightmare of a guy yeah it's awesome he stinks yeah he smells bad uh he's completely off his face yeah he looks like a tramp maybe died a virgin yeah i mean it's like it's the incels conductor he really is he's the incel god proper german this guy proper proper german we're on our way this is our classical music series yeah we've dealt with mozart now mozart dies in 1791 beethoven is born 1770 there's a bit of overlap yeah potentially they meet potentially we don't know we don't know but whereas mozart was um kind of heavenly adored impish little adhd prick it was a gift from god beethoven was a stinky autistic man yeah there's no doubt in my mind that he's autistic yeah and he writes devil put his hand up his ass and played him like a puppet i feel yes and there's no doubt that he is writing an autistic version of war music that's what he's doing is it because there was no youtube comments under like, you know, Sidney Sweeney's Instagram for him to write hate comments.

2:57As we put all those energies into this. He's a keyboard warrior. Yes. But the keyboard is a piano. But that's, yes, he's the original keyboard warrior. But as we were saying, if you play classical music over anything, it becomes important. Right. So you could play classical Beethoven's music over a fat guy commenting on Sidney Sweeney's Instagram. I'm so fucking horny. Women on me sex. Pick up a dog. What do you mean you're not replying? Show me your bobs. Show me your bobs. Show me your bobs. Right now. Hey, beautiful. Send me your bobs. Yeah, because his songs are like, Hey, beautiful. Hey, beautiful.

3:26Oh, fucking bitch. Oh, fucking bitch. Oh, fucking bitch. Oh, they are actually. They are. That's a very good point. Beethoven's music. Want to meet up sometime? Hey, just checking that you make sure you got this. Hi. Are you going to respond? Oh, you fucking bitch. You fucking whore. I fucking hate you. Because Beethoven's fifth is so dramatic. And then it gets very nice and frilly. Send me your bobs. Yeah. Ludwig van Bobhoven. is born in the small German city of Bonn. Dangerous. Show me your Bonds. Part of the Holy Roman Empire. And as a child, obviously this is post-Mozart now. He is recognised for his talent and yet he's always been composed unfavourably to Mozart.

4:07Because as a child prodigy he was. Yes. He was second grade. Again, similar to Mozart, the parallels are there. His father was also in music, but he was a drunk. Right, okay. Beethoven had seven siblings. he was only one of three to survive infancy because you know at this point you're it's like litter of dogs litter of puppies one of them will wake it through stick yeah well it's like um that in planet earth remember when the lizards are out are born and immediately have to try to escape all the snakes yes that's them trying to avoid like fucking snakes yeah fucking that's i'm posting that and saying this is you yeah this is all of you on facebook this is all my friends and family now the the first son the couple's first son his mom and dad's born in 1769 they called him Ludwig right he died when he was six days old nice and then what they do when Beethoven is born is that they call him Ludwig and then every Sunday

5:01didn't even get a score on the board no yeah he's gonna walk straight back to the shed he faced an over and then he's no score Christ that that is one of the most glorious ways I think that's one of the best cricket analogies I've heard on the show what yeah obviously jack the ripper hitting moon for six is has become the show's canon but a baby dying has been yeah because you know when they when they go in australia they play the the cartoon duck comes on that's when they don't make out the infirmary ward yeah it's wow wow

5:41stillborn right anyway so beethoven's brother was out for a duck and i guess ludwig van beethoven was maybe he's coming in at number four yeah and but he he steadies the ship he settles he puts a score on the board big score big score um uh does he get 50 hours when he beethoven dies he's 50 odd yeah um anyway beethoven is as a kind of you know when you're listening to his music which is very angry um 56 lovely stuff 56 got a half century um to that yeah yeah thank you um beethoven is this is just to get an when you listen to his music how angry and dark it is every sunday he is taken to the grave of his namesake brother to contemplate the nature of mortality so they're trying to raise an emo basically well that's it isn't it emo parents there is no better way of raising an emo than to be like yeah this this was the original you and he died and he goes out for a duck but i I guess there's no TV or phones or anything like that.

6:39No, Sundays are very boring at the time. It's a small German town. There really is not much to do, surely. But his younger brother, who also survived, I love this guy. Nicholas, had a squint in one eye, which meant he had a perpetual look of being very, very self-satisfied. The photo of it, the painting of him is absolutely awesome. Is that actually him? Yeah, that's him. That is incredible. To be permanently like this. Permanently like, if you like, mate. All right. Your six-day-old sister died. Out for a duck. He's like this, out for a duck, was she? Just a bit. But him get receiving bad news.

7:15Yeah, I mean, that's very, very funny. But why does that affect your mouth? His wife's leaving him. He's like, please don't leave. I'll be nothing without you. Run for another one. Because he's not necessarily going to be a squinty person. I've had worse Mondays. That might not be his personality, though. His face is, I've had worse Mondays. I know, but his personality might not be that. So he's like, please don't leave. because if you do I'll kill myself I'm having the worst Monday ever no seriously I'm having the worst Monday ever this is my least permanent Monday seriously don't leave me I love you please don't leave my life falls apart if you go that sucks are there people around now who have that face on all the time permanent smug face permanent smug I want to get them involved permanent smug syndrome I want to just have someone here that we can cut to yeah alright well after we say something to someone just sat there who's like yeah alright guys sure yeah is that what it's called is it medical i think it's medical i think it's pathological yeah it's pathological right okay pathological anyway i'm afraid you've got okay face um anyway so nicholas beethoven was permanently self-satisfied would we know much more about him because i kind of want to know more about this guy i want to see what i what what job did he get can you look up what did nicholas beethoven what did he get into what did he get stuck into uh what did he do pharmacist pharmacist dyrolite right pooping are we i'll bet you need some dyrolite that's quite a serious job isn't it it is the people permanently the smug pharmacist yeah people you know getting their arthritis meds Can I have some penicillin?

8:56I'll just check the cabinet. He supplied medicine to the French army during the Napoleon's time. Oh, there you go. Anyway, so Ludwig van Beethoven, 56. The whole thing's a scorecard now in my head. You know, he was playing the violin and the clavier, which is like a sort of piano, a harpsichord type thing, by the age of four. So Mozart's already got a year on him in terms of like ranking him out of the gate. And his father, obviously, he's living in a post-Mozart world. He tries to market him as a prodigy, much like Mozart had. So he would much, he would lie about his son's age to exaggerate his talent a bit like African footballers.

9:33Right. You'd never really know how old they are. Yes, but instead with talent. Yes. Yeah, okay. So what's he exaggerating? He's saying that, oh, he's only... Oh, he's exaggerating his son. He would lie about his son's age. Oh, he's only three rather than the fact he's six. Yes, yeah, sorry. In the same way that you can, in the 90s, you'd sign an African football program. I've got no idea how he's... 45 years old. I could be 45. This episode of Finn vs. History is brought to you by our dear friends at Surfshark. Now, I've been trying to protect myself online. I've been putting condoms over my laptop.

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12:40Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu, and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. Order on the Sweetgreen app. Now, Johann, his dad, was incredibly harsh. he was drunk and he would drag Beethoven from bed late at night to force him to play piano for his drinking companions that's quite fun though come on come on wake up wake up we'll go on the point while he'll play one of your fucking tunes now he's also Beethoven was supposedly I guess you don't have the aux though do you the what he's been on a big sesh you come back at 4am you don't have an aux cable right or a bluetooth speaker yeah you can't fucking put you know a Uwe Boom on no stick Jamiroquai on so instead it's you get your fucking and you get your autistic son up.

13:34Come on! Chuck a bucket of water on him. Huey boy. Huey boy, yeah. There you go. The gaps are getting smaller in between the set up and the bunch line for Charlie's puns. He's growing. He's learning. Now, interestingly, Beethoven, Ludwig van Beethoven was dark. Well, yes. Had a dark complexion. I mean, during the 2010s, during Height of Woteness, they were like, oh, so he's black. Black Beethoven. Really? Do you not know about this? It's the black Beethoven theory. Can you look up black Beethoven? I mean, I'm sure that they made a TV series where he's like fully black. After you were Hirsch presenting, was it?

14:09These days. Yeah, these days. Oh, right. Beethoven was black. So type in, was Beethoven black? Oh, this is 2020. Okay. Yeah, Guardian. Black Lives Matter. They ran with that. The smaller suggestion that they might be black, they're like definitely 100%. Shakespeare's probably black. There's no... Yeah, he wasn't. He was just like slightly... Santa's black. god's black yeah jesus was black he had a slight tan but there is uh he was bullied uh as a spaniard right so they used to call him so i guess that's how white germans are that you could be racially abused as a spaniard wow amazing different time different time you kind of want to get back to that level of racism where it's that because you'd be like it's like a different who brought the spaniard yeah i'd love to do that or like even from a different home county you just want to keep pulling it back so it's just like yes you've got a sussex tinge it's a bit sunnier it's a bit sunnier these guys from brighton what's this hampshire tint this guy's got positively greek i can't see him at night you know you know someone's from wessex you can see someone wessex when they smile at night that's the only way I can see someone.

15:23Yes, I would like to bring that in. Hope County's racism. Now, age 10, his father takes him out of school, even though he had not yet written to learn how to write, not yet learn how to write and had terrible numeracy. People maybe think he had dyslexia. Sure. Probably. I mean, he's an absolute basket case. Yeah. He's neurodivergent for sure. For sure. Yeah. And was Mozart neurodivergent. Yes, but I was going to say, it's the two sides of that coin. Go on. You've got the uppity, annoying, ADHD Mozart and then the depressive Germanic smelly stinky don't not look you in the eye Beethoven yeah I mean is it ADHD and autism is it the split seems like that's the split yeah and whereas Mozart is the music of ADHD it's kind of like hyper-focused perfection this is the music Charlie just play a bit of Beethoven's Fifth for us right this is the music of a man when someone tries to make small talk this is what's going on in his head Yeah.

16:20Someone's come over and said, hello, how are you today? This is Beethoven's head. Can't talk about tanks. Can't talk about tanks. Fuck. Train time. Good. Don't say, how'd you get here? How's your mother? Don't say, how'd you get here? Thank you. Fuck. Fuck. How'd you get here? How'd you get here then? Shit. Don't ask which bus she took. Yeah, this is an autistic in a monologue. Do you take the 56? Ah, fuck. I've got to say no. He's an autistic man who smells. okay that's who beethoven is um now a man called christian gottlob nifa yeah took beethoven gottlob is a great middle name um took beethoven on as a tutee he was an organist composer a committed enlightenment thinker beethoven is the enlightenment's composer he bridges the the enlightenment in music i guess yes and so he introduces uh nifa introduces ludwig to ideas of freedom and equality woke nonsense as well as composition uh and nifa is the first one to say that basically based home to the second Mozart.

17:19He says, this kid's insane. And so, but all of these great composers are all happening in Germany, Austria. It's interesting that it doesn't seem, I don't know why it is all in this area. It doesn't quite. Well, the Italian ones as well. Yeah, but do we, how much do we talk about that? Well, it's Vivaldi. I guess Italians without opera. But that's, Italians were too sidetracked with fat women warbling. Right, right. And the German, the orchestra, I guess is more of a Germanic thing. It was France as well. Leaving to like German romanticism. Yeah. and even the movement of romanticism in art, Nietzsche.

17:49It does feel like this sort of Germany, it doesn't really exist in the same way anymore. I don't see the Germans as a romantic people. No, but you've got to remember that in the 19th century, Germany was very late to become a country. Right. And so there was a yearning for a myth and a Germanic... Because you go to Germany now, they're some of the coldest people you'll ever meet. Well, they took it too far. Right. So now they just put it back... They were romantic. and then it's that story. Do you know what? I can't imagine Germans writing this poetic love letter. The country of Germany is this story, right?

18:22That Brett Goldstein told me, right? Of Super, what's it called? This show that he does, the football one. Anyway, he told me this story. Oh, Ted Lasso. That one. This is the country of Germany, right? There's a couple who've done everything sexually. They're obsessed with each other and then they go, we've never done anything but poo and then they do one night where they shit on each other and the next morning they wake up, they clean the house up and they walk out the door and they never see each other again and they get divorced. That's the country of Germany. Romantic couple, amazing works of art, Mozart, amazing, doing everything.

18:54Oh, Hitler's in power, Holocaust, right, that's done. Yeah. Right. Scrub the shit out. And let's leave. And let's leave. Let's never speak to you again. That's Germany and Austria now. It's true. Yeah. They've been neutered. They can't be. They've just gone too far. Yeah. They've gone too, they've taken it too far. They've had to, they've had to take, take all that energy and put it into the basement. Yeah. Behind closed doors. Exactly. now Beethoven finds refuge in the household of the von Breunig family and here he teaches piano to their children he receives a kind of emotional stability because his parents died quite young they're already dead at this point anyway by 13 Beethoven becomes assistant court organist his first paid job he goes to Vienna he maybe meets Mozart we don't know the myth is is that he plays for Mozart and Mozart said that young man will make a name for himself in the world sure but could be bollocks could be bollocks oh but this is when he finds out his mum's ill mummy dies boo hoo hoo um dad's drinky drinky drinky drinky um but his dad dies his dad dies of being an absolute legend yes terminal legend terminal legend syndrome terminal legend syndrome i'm receiving palliative care for being such a good bloke and so at 18 years old uh beethoven's orphaned he's the autistic head of the family caring for his brothers.

20:09I mean, it's an absolute, it's an all-just nightmare. Yeah. Mummy and daddy are dead. I've got young brothers. I'm the emotional anchor of this family. And yet, emotions mean nothing to me. Yes. So after Mozart's death in 1791, Beethoven at this point is 21, Europe seeks a successor to the throne of music. This is pre-Skrillex, right? Sorry, we haven't placed this. You're right. Now, should we say, so Beethoven is, let's place the death of Mozart as the year we're placing. So 1791. would you like to place this for us yeah well i guess it is it's post bar yes um and it's i guess it's it's pre it's pre um calvin harris right yes pre calvin harris and ravici that whole period it's post bar it's pre italian batch which is right yeah i guess the two the two bars the two bachs right german bach and italian bach right who's better only history will we'll we'll we won't know we'll see in our lifetime we'll see we won't know so uh he goes to vienna he meets joseph hayden who's a big composer and this is this presumably there's loads of composers from this era that we just don't give a fuck about yeah so basically the french revolution kicks off and there's a war and it's i think maybe the french go into the the rhineland yeah anyway so at some After a period of stability in Central Europe, it's all starting to crumble.

21:31It's starting to kick off. Napoleon's in the wings, who will be a massive influence over Beethoven's career. The court that Beethoven was employed at flees into exile, and so this means he's freed from the obligations, and he goes to Vienna, and he settles there just after Mozart's death. It's important to know about him. Yeah, so he's just deeply difficult to be around and unlikable in sort of every way. And smelly. Smelly, badly dressed. His accent sounds mad. His brother looks like this. I mean, yeah. It seems like he's just, he walks in and it's just like a lot. All senses are like, what the fuck?

22:04Yeah, yes, you are. He's loud, he smells. He's loud, he smells. Terribly dressed. Awful. Hair all over the place. Towards the end of his life, he is genuinely, he's arrested several times for being a tramp. Yeah. It's like when Charlie got in first class. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, now Vienna, as we said in the last time, is a hotbed of cultural, it's like the Berlin of it. Also, he didn't, he'd never worn a wig before. So all these people wearing those shit white wigs. Yeah. He wants to look mad because he's the only one with normal hair, basically. Well, pray for his fucking brother. Oh, we're gone.

22:36So he takes formal lessons with Haydn, but the relationship is quite strained. Haydn's getting old, busy. He's not a very good teacher. Oh, he tries to find Salieri as well, who's the one who potentially killed. Amadeus is about Salieri. But Salieri is probably Beethoven's best teacher. And there's Schubert as well, who's another great composer. So it's all kind of like, I guess it's like Berlin in the 70s when you've got Bowie and Iggy Pop and people doing heroin in Berlin. These are guys in wigs eating cakes in Austria. It's not quite as cool. It's not the same, yeah. No, because basically it was cakes and coffee, wasn't it?

23:12Is this the era of the coffee house? Yes. It's the original coffee culture where people in wigs would eat buns and chat about ideas. But it's quite funny how hardcore the ideas would have been. What, how unwoke maybe they were? Yes, that's what I mean. In that they're eating cakes and Viennese buns and they're talking about how black people are flora and fauna. Spanish people are flora. Of course, the Spaniards are mushrooms. Yeah. And yet in the 70s, Bowie was doing heroin. Yeah. Talking about space, man. Let's all go to space, you know. Now the big problem with Beethoven is that he starts to go deaf pretty quickly.

23:49Yeah, which you kind of think, everyone knows that about Beethoven. That's like the thing people learn about him. And you kind of think it's going to be a bit mythologised, but it's fully true and it's madder than you would even expect. It's so early that it starts happening. It's in the start of his 20s so he's already composing but he's starting to go deaf pretty much from the off. And so like the if you trace his career you just have to remember the later the songs are the more deaf he is. Yeah. Which still doesn't really make sense. I don't understand how No one's really anything research I've done for this no one's explained how a deaf man writes the deaf music.

24:21How the fuck is he doing that? But then how does Because I get Stevie Wonder right? Do you? He's blind. I know but how's he playing the piano? But you can sort because if you're just focused on listening you can probably learn but deaf you don't need to see more than you can hear. Because what Beethoven would do is he'd write little notes and give them to people because that's how he would communicate. Yeah he had a conversation but he could still hear music in his head. Imagine it's similar to like Brian Wilson. What happened to him at the end? He just went mad. Alright. But then you would if you're hearing everything in eight track harmonies you would go mad.

24:51Yeah. It's like your canvas is too bright. Yes. If someone says like you pass the milk and you're hearing, can you, can you, can you pass the mail? You know, you'd go crazy. Yeah. He's constantly falling in love with women he's seen once. He's the ultimate incel, like wanting love that, yeah. He's not an incel. He's an, oh no, he is an incel. He is an incel. Yeah. So all women he fell for, the only thing they had in common was that he thought he was horribly and smelly and unattractive. Yeah. And so he profoundly loved everyone. I mean, his face - His face was scarred with smallpox. Yeah. He didn't bathe.

25:24Yeah. uh he was often unkempt mistaken by police for tramps arrested so he fell in love with someone called eleanor von breuning yeah let's get a photo of up let's get a photo of eleanor von breuning up is she is she like a nano or is she got something going on eleanor could be a bit is a bit more attractive than none none arel oh she's young okay yeah what a dog no not for me could be worse uh so he writes so he he on a while on a date with her beethoven makes a crude lunge and she then obviously was offended by it because he then apologizes for the lunge in her letter. Yes. A crude lunge. So Beethoven's probably one of the incels who's watching like Charisma on Command YouTube videos.

26:03You've seen these? No. So it's like this amazing YouTube channel and there's a whole kind of sphere of these videos. Yes. Where they sort of - Pick up artists. Well, they sort of go to fictional videos like Californication with David Duchovny, right? Right. And they break down how to speak to women. It's like, well, this is a scene written by an incel. so don't do this because the whole scene's been written to make him look like a badass right uh or they'll go and like craig ferguson interviews and the way that he flirts with women the guests oh they're deconstructing deconstruct basically how to like speak to women i see so i imagine better if it was trying this stuff but what's missing from these videos is that it's normally very good looking kind of rich people rich people who have a great career and can do this if you you just walk out with your star wars t-shirt on and try this stuff it doesn't really it doesn't really it's not as romantic no uh so i imagine that's what's happened with beta but also a crude lunge on a first date it's definitely not where you yeah i mean is that for a kiss is it is he trying to grab the purse what's it you know he's got the purse one of his was one that one of his songs the ninth symphony you're right it's like oh to joy oh to joy and then grab the purse yeah Yeah, yeah.

27:13Again, it's, you know, he's... They can't all be... Ode to Pujoy, lunch to Puss. They can't all be winners. Eleanor marries in 1802, and Beethoven never sees her again. Right. One crude lunge, and you've ruined it. It's all it takes with a woman. So he proposes marriage with a woman called Magdalena Villeman, and she rejects him as, quote, ugly and half crazy. Right. Again, this is very much when neurodivergence was pejorative. Now, where's she quoted there? is she writing that down i i guess that is to his face right okay you're ugly and you're half crazy um it's pretty mad having that in the history books calling someone ugly to their face i like how old did you have to be on record yeah he was like that is surviving in the record you're thinking they're ugly in a eulogy he was ugly i want everyone to know that he was ugly uh his 16 year old piano pupil giulia giacchiardi becomes the inspiration for the moonlight sonata should we have a listen let's get the Moonlight Sinatra up this is one of his most famous if you've not this is a very famous piece again we'll have to get Charlie to cover it I mean it's I've always I've always loved this piece of music I've always found it very beautiful but I guess it's a bit a horny teacher horning after like his pupil yeah I guess it's kind of I think that sort of takes away from how romantic I found the song originally when it's actually just like a music teacher who's like balding and stinky just like a smelly paedophile a smelly paedophile

28:38you've heard this haven't you charlie yeah yeah i love this okay so let's so let's just pause that for the sake of coffee this is a sad horny this is like it's a pedo's lament yeah it's a for pedo's lament it is and so charlie's going to recreate this

29:00I think you had to repeat the

29:05look of concentration on his face he's trying, bless him let's do it again let's see where we're going wrong

29:28okay yeah yeah okay thank you thank you we just have to do that for copyright reasons yeah just to make just to cover us but um but you know to be fair to charlie beethoven's um hearing is deteriorating at this point so that what is that what beethoven hears maybe maybe that's that's what it sounded like in beethoven's head and then somehow he amazingly plays new night sonata the pedo's lament yeah uh the father her father blocked the relationship on the grounds of beethoven's temperament and the fact that he was going deaf yeah i mean there's a lot that's two reasons there's a lot of other reasons uh yeah it's because you're going deaf mate yeah it's because your temperament your temperament is your stinky pedophile yes i have a pedophilic temperament i do apologize um now in the 1810s he wrote a famous letter to his quote immortal beloved declaring a passionate but impossible love uh but it was never sent and there are no definitive answers as to who this was yeah um so that's kind of the mystery do you think it was just like an idea of a woman he was sending it to possibly reach that point where it was just like oh i'll take anyone yeah that's him right into a fucking sex bot that's him right into like a yeah come for me now but you know just right into babe station in the 18th century so he never married um that's the point because he was he was a stinky nonce um and what we cannot know is whether beethoven ever made love to a woman yeah so these are all the i want when people listen to this music i want it's a virgin's music yeah i mean it has more urgency than mozart's yes it's really brimming with cubs take off your pants you know it flows out of him so easily

31:09that is the difference mozart is shooting ropes yeah yeah beethoven shudderingly horny beethoven is blue ball to fuck his entire life um what's the science behind blue balls sorry what is it apparently blue balls i think is like your your sperm die dying they want to come out but they they can't come out so they die in your balls and that's what well there is there is a If you're trying for a baby, you're meant to have sex every other night because that's how long sperm can live inside the fanny. But also, the more you splooge, and I'm using scientific terms here, the more you splooge, the more your sperm regenerate because they don't live for that long.