The Woman Who Died For A Pair of Trousers | Joan of Arc

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1:26Welcome back to Finn vs. History. As ever, I'm joined by Horatio Gould. It's a women's episode this week. There's going to be a lot of bickering. This podcast has capitulated to the... Batting collapse. It's a batting collapse. It's a male batting collapse. We've opened the door to some truly terrifying possibilities. It's Finn vs. History. Who will win? Finally. Finn, the fight we've all been waiting for. Finn takes on herstery. Her gossipy. Her winjury. We're talking about Joan of Arc today. Christ. Female. I think it's pronounced Jean. Jean. Jean. Jean. Jean Barre. Jean Barre. Jean Barre. I mean, a French woman.

2:10Christ. This is. How far are we for them? This is as far away from where we feel comfortable as you can possibly get. A double negative. A French woman. Two wrongs don't make a right. I mean, yeah. Yeah. We've got Dunkirk coming up, which is really for the dads. So... Yeah, don't worry. Don't worry. This will be a fleeting... This will be a fleeting... We were just... One part, Joan of Arc. Well, this is... I guess it's like when you've been eating terribly for like 10 days and then you smash like a punnet of blueberries or something. Yeah, it is. Just to try and reset the fibre in the stomach.

2:42It's going to Pret-a-Manger and it's getting like the tiffin, the fucking sloppy sandwich, the sauerkraut thing, a couple of croissants and then, yeah, one pot of mango. Just to make you feel. Right, well, I'll eat that first. Then I'll just... Joan of Arc. Joan of Arc. She is a... I mean, in our next episode, this is one part, I should say. Yeah. One part on Joan of Arc. That's all she deserves. And then in our next episode, we will have a female guest. I repeat. I say that again for our listeners. We will have a female guest. Yeah. Steady yourself now. Yeah. You know, pause it. Take a break.

3:19Reckon with what that will mean. I'm terrified. Make sure you're sitting down. please be saying do not listen to that standing up they're not really standing up no i mean i guess we'll just tear the care home staff that they might be a big shock please don't hit your carer in anger because there's a woman uh that the carers are doing their best work yeah please do not abuse staff it's not their fault we've got to tell people not to abuse you're fucked yeah yeah although i must say when i get when i see those um uh pictures or uh whatever they are placards in railway stations like oh don't smack your respect they don't they work in railway stations see it slap it slap it swear it i think they deserve to be told that they're idiots they're idiots personally do not throw your little chocolate puddings in the little in like yogurt pots across the room yeah and just to be clear in our heads this is only being listened to by like one flew in the cuckoo's nest level of asylum people um yeah there's a lot of dirty protests there will be people flinging shit at walls when they when they see the woman that comes into the studio um that's in our next episode it's not a sign of things to come no no it's a one-off it's a one-off it's a reminder of how good you've got it yes exactly you need sometimes you can only appreciate the country you live in when you go abroad you don't know what you've got till it's gone

4:44paved over paradise you put up a parking lot anyway that parking lot is already on the patreon um we will be talking about more medieval women now medieval women this is sort of female pre-history when would you say that uh the story of women herstory when would you say it begins uh i'd say maybe margaret thatcher yes so the late 80s is what i'd say that's just second second term first time it's like i'm not sure this is a thing second term she's still a bloke she's she's got him yeah she's a bloke in a wig and it turns out turns out she's not she's a woman so if that's year zero right so really for like for history we go by christ yeah spanning sort of 5 000 years but then female histories by thatcher by thatcher so yeah thatcher bt yeah bt at um so joan of arc uh was alive medieval french woman this really oh my god medieval french women yeah this is the downside way day it's like a cauldron your home fans are right it's like the new camp you can barely see the boys up there they're up there somewhere um yeah this is we don't know much about Joan of Arc?

5:54Do you think it's not taught? Because she's known as, she's one of those famous women in history, not hard. Tallest dwarf syndrome. Straightest man in France, I mean. Joan of Arc, Florence Nightingale. Yeah. Amelia Air Crash. Amelia Pankhurst, Amelia Air Crash. Yeah, two Amelias. Thatcher. Truss. That's it, really. Truss. Those are the seven women. Is Merkel going to get on the list when she dies? Merkel? Yeah. Monal. Monal. Angela Monal. Oh, Susan Boyle, of course. Come on, come on. I mean, yeah, she really is. Remember when we were like, she's ugly. I'll wait, she can sing. She's not ugly. Look at that.

6:30She looked beautiful there. Well, in medieval times, she was probably the most attractive thing that people had ever seen. Yeah. And that's something we should remember is that we can't really imagine how ugly these women were. An Instagram discover page for a medieval man, he would have an aneurysm. Yes. He'd basically lobotomise him. He'd kill himself. He'd see just kind of Sidney Sweeney, Sabrina Carpenter complations on his Instagram and it would his brain would melt I saw a brilliant meme the other day not to sound like I'm 50 there was a photo of Sydney Sweeney Charlie bit my finger and the you heard about this thing Fenton it's hilarious no it was a photo of Sydney Sweeney with her bobs out right and brilliant and that's it I don't think that's a meme dad I loved it I get what you're on about now with these memes they're so very very funny it was that's good i like that that's another one anyway it was um and the text just said men used to see women this attractive once in their life and they'd paint her on the side of a plane they go and carpet bomb yeah yeah uh and now we see three women this attractive getting fucked in a tumble drive before 9 a.m and you wonder why no one wants to dig a trench anymore it's true really good stuff it's true i'm wrapping that up yeah it's the two there's too many fit women too available to me and i will put my hand up now and say that if my wife were ever to see my discover page on instagram what happened instant divorce all right okay all of them are ai so i thought i don't know real they're all ai women and i'm liking them i'm liking their stuff you're commenting i like hello beautiful i'm not commenting but i'm liking them you're messaging hello where are you based where are you is that it looks gorgeous the most clearly like the eiffel tower ai in the background it's the eiffel tower with a pair of tits in here bonjour mademoiselle how tall are you you look tall over there i'm falling to the most insane it's like um bender from futurama is his name bender yeah it's been i said that i was like because he bends girders right okay it's like bender from futurama with tits and i'm like oh this is absolutely stunning how are they doing this this magic these magic robots women now the ai women are gorgeous they really are ai milfs is a i mean it's just kryptonite to me i can't deal with it they they've they've managed to make a sort of realistic i mean it's not realistic because obviously yeah postpartum women don't yeah they're just not they're not as intact i could draw a woman on the back of a napkin and it'd get you off no i'll just quickly go like that and you'll be like oh she's gorgeous no no no no because you draw a horrible little hentai twinkie thing all right i want a raggedy old mum that's been through the mill what on ai yes that's what i like ai are they are ai women raggedy old milfs the ones that i get are because you're getting right is one of the prompts they're putting into ai make it a raggedy old milf look at this look at this ai raggedy old milf oh i can't kryptonite look at it raggedy ai milfs chewed up old so i thought everyone's discover weekly uh not discover it's the discover page right discover weekly everyone's discover page was just i thought it was all horny we've got new music for you how horny is your discover page on instagram it's uh mainly well there's some like women with three boobs and then it's sharks and men falling from heights i don't know what it is the horniest discover page and i thought it was just agreed that everyone has horny instagram discover pages my aunt i said can i see yours yeah hers it's just she's a very sweet english woman right hers is just ai images of squirrels and knitting that's all it is christ so it may realize oh fuck this is very much yeah mine is just ai milf and then it's down syndrome cooking shows that's what i get and then my wife has um fit men chopping wood topless in the woods yeah i guess that's fair enough i guess that's fair enough you know that's one all i reckon yeah is there any um ai like is anyone made on ai ugly or are they always beautiful what do you mean type in ugly guy on AI?

10:34Yeah, have you not seen the like the most British, asking AI to make the most British people ever? What a stupid question from a stupid man. Yeah, there you go, look. There we go, you fucking moron. I've never seen anything like that. Mine's always a three titted women. And they're AI or real? They're not real. Right. You have to really think about. Alright, ten minutes of the journey of art, we've just talked about. Right, come on, come on. Come on. Hold your nose. Hold your nose. Well, that's exactly true, because we're talking about a french teenage activist yeah she's like a smellier greta thunberg if you can even imagine such a thing yeah at some point it's just smelly adding smells on top you can't get smelly it's a it's like a stink lasagna you know she's french probably bisexual she's an activist trans she's trans yeah we just touched hands there she's she's trans and we power up we become it'd be funny if i thought trans people were two people in one they were like it's when two people unite now we're trans just two straight guys straight guys and they just become a woman this is what trans people and then we touch hands and we just become a woman we just caitlin jenner this is the long road to caitlin jenner we should say this episode of history is sponsored by surf shark the premier provider of vpn do you know what a vpn is i don't But I'll tell you what, I do have problems when I want to watch horrible, disgusting, filthy videos.

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12:35Well, that's great. Because the worst thing about traveling is foreign TV and foreign people and being abroad and the food and the weather. It turns out you can't have a holiday from your life. You're still you. You're just abroad. That sombrero doesn't change anything. No. So why don't you secure your digital life with a Surfshark VPN? Yeah. It's a risk-free 30-day money-back guarantee. Go to surfshark.com slash FVH. That's surfshark.com slash FVH. Foxtrot Vagina Hotel. You stayed at the Foxtrot Vagina Hotel. I'm staying at the Foxtrot Vagina Hotel. I'm on our honeymoon. Yeah, dirty sheets though.

13:15Click the link below or use the code FVH. That's Foxtrot Vag Hotel. Four extra months of Surfshark. Don't let online threats catch you off guard. Keep your data safe and see you next time. Anyway, let's get back to the bloody episode, shall we? Can we please get back to some history? This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen? Snacks? A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account and earn rewards all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step.

13:56Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms. Push your limits, train with precision, see the results. At Equinox, that's high performance loving. Everything you need to lock in and unlock your potential at Equinox. Start today at equinox.com. We'll do an app on Caitlyn Jenner because I'm a big fan of Caitlyn Jenner. I love Caitlyn Jenner. yeah she seems like a stand-up girl as soon as she went maga i was like this is hilarious she's against gay marriage do you know yeah hilarious beast she's kept bruce's opinions that's what's so funny that's what's so funny is that now it's broken people who are like yeah on all in one whenever everything's on one side and she's playing dodgems she's just fucking running people over yeah it's grand theft auto yeah yeah it is she's played life like she killed a woman yeah she's she's playing life like a video game yeah i'll be a woman yeah no i'm still gonna gay marriage it's disgusting it's a sin no it's awful yeah yeah anyway hey maybe if i'm a woman i can just decide to drive really badly oh no yeah now people really believe i'm a woman yeah to be fair she's she's doubled down hasn't she she's got it for i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this properly um so listen joan of arc come on joan of arc is a teen and not in a fun way in an annoying way in a really annoying way she's not a horny teen she's maybe the least horny teen there's ever been which you say i can't think apart from better i can't be released malala maybe she's barely legal oh my god she's fucking going on a bit isn't she yeah barely fucking interesting yeah um so joan fucking boring joan can't park whatever you want to call her um now she is around in the mon of arc mon of arc mon of can't park mon of can't park she is in the she's currently she's a french saint right but she is becomes a symbol of france right uh because of what she does in her very short life just 19 years old when she dies doesn't even see her 20th birthday does not see her 20th birthday right so she is around during the Hundred Years War.

16:01Now, this is more your ballpark than mine. What's going on with the Hundred Years War? Well, it was a war that was around 100 years. Actually, more than 100 years. Yeah, it went on for ages. It's between France and England. It's a sort of, there's a lot of just Game of Thrones, dynastic clashes. Something that I didn't really realise is that there was like, broken up within France was the Burgundians. Yes. So I think that's, imagine Burgundy. So France wasn't what it was today. There was like a big section of it that was also allied with the English at some point. but there's loads going on basically france is the biggest country in europe the most powerful country in europe but because of mismanagement and infighting it's quite vulnerable yes and england who are like a strappy upstart just keep coming and raiding the hundred uh france and they have huge victories like the battle of crecy battle of agincourt because we've got long bows which no one else in the world has and so we're beating the french with way less men and we're kind of dominating but it is like an fa cup upset us being france right because they are actually a lot more powerful a lot richer they i think their population is six times that of england and paris at this point is uh what is that like a hole in the ground like an indian toilet it's the well it is an indian toilet right but it's the biggest city outside of uh all right you're gonna actually say something sincere about yeah sorry um no the country's front obviously the country's a toilet Paris is a potty?

17:23It's a potty Paris is a potty The country has not been unified It's very posh when you said that Paris is a potty? Do you have a potty Charlie? I have had a couple Are you potty trained? I peed the bed until I was like 15 That makes so much sense I was googling like what happens if this happens forever? What happens if I never stop? What happens? You just have to kind of I guess come clean and hope you find someone Come clean You've got another problem if you're coming clean But I would pee through my mattress and it would go on my homework and I had to hand it in covered in piss. Put your homework under your mattress.

17:54Where's your homework? Under my bed. I was on the bunk bed. So if you're peeing, if you, if you, it rained down below my mattress onto my homework and I'd have to hand it in. And when I went for sleepovers at friends' houses, I wouldn't drink for three hours before bed. I was so thirsty. But if I, if I peed, then I, you know. Yeah, it's a, it's a tough one, the bed wearing. It's very humiliating. You can't do anything about it. I had to wear a nap. My mum got me like, like kind of teen nappies for a bit. And again, again, not in a good way. These aren't fun teen nappies. These are sort of retarding.

18:21They're bad nappies, yeah. They're bad nappies. What's the branding on teen nappies? So really. They're trying to make it cool. Like a little kind of rock on time. Someone's throwing the horns.

18:31It's like loads of people hanging out, smoking. Going to the toilets for losers. Eww! Yeah. Less time to the toilet, more time to rock out. Woo! Does it have an electric guitar on it? Ba-na-ba-na-na. It's just like peeing wherever the fuck you like. Yeah, it's rock and roll. I don't need a potty. Slash nappies. But there's nothing you can do about bed wetting, is there? No, you just have to starve your... No, there really is. What? Stop pissing the piss? Yeah, I mean, we've just done it with our four-year-old. Took her three weeks and she's cracked it. What, already? Hurts his feelings. Yeah. Potty by the bed is what you need.

19:04Potty by the bed. And we give her a marshmallow in the morning if she doesn't piss herself. Yeah, but you're not doing it as a protest, are you? No, I'm doing it because I can't not do it. It's not because of the Iraq war, was it? I will not stop pissing until George Bush draws from Basra yeah no I was trying to I was desperately trying to stop pissing but I just couldn't stop yeah for years you loved it I loved it I bet you're pissing like this you're asleep with your so yeah go on but no enough fun come on so the 100 years war we're dominating can I put your shorts on please sorry can I put your shorts on yes you can put my shorts on should we break while he does this christ so so there's been a crisis of succession in france and this is where they keep getting down to people on the throne yes they do end of the 14th century which was not that long ago french because normans took over like 300 years ago the normans took over is not bloody normal Norm is here again so Edward whoever third he claims that maybe the France should be English yes hey I like the look of that toilet can that be ours but before the hundred years war the idea of France the idea of England they're not really formed as it's this war that forms the kind of modern idea of the idea of nations so that's why there's so much they came over to England took it over a lot of the Norman nobles have claims to the French throne so it's a bit more yeah Everyone's just claiming thrones.

20:35And it breaks into these sort of, you have the Armagnacs, the Armagnacs who are vaguely kind of in the south of France. Then you've got the Burgundians who control mainly the north. And the English have allied with the Burgundians against the Armagnacs. And the Armagnacs king is, at the time of Joan of Arc, or just before, is Charles VI, who is fucking retarded. Right. So Charles VI, who reigns... I mean, we've got a retarded Charles. we do have this is charles yeah charles the charles the 20th 250th so charles the sixth range from 1380s to 1422 yeah uh he's known as charles the mad yeah uh suffers recurrent psychotic episodes and the symptoms include firstly he believed he was made of glass entirely of glass so he couldn't sit down because he'd be like i'll smash get a photo of him up because that's tricky when that's the that's the commander-in-chief yeah exactly whatever he says goes he looks mad yeah he doesn't recognize his wife and kids he comes home and he's just like who are you we've all tried it we've all tried it but you didn't commit enough to the fuck are you who are you why are you where we are dad fine fair enough call my bluff don't hug me i'm made of class um he would have these kind of fugue states where he's just kind of like um it's you know sometimes i'm talking on this podcast and you're just kind of like yeah yeah it's like that right right i think hawking's in a fugue state right right no that's a vegetative state yeah if you could say that mean that implies that that's just sort of like fugue state's on the way to temporary it's on the way to vegetative okay i find that quite hard to say vegetative fugue state is a rare psychiatric condition characterized by sudden unexpected travel amnesia no i think you suddenly travel you suddenly go no it's not It's not that.

22:21It's not teleportation. You suddenly travel. Fuck off. You're just still, and then suddenly you travel. Charles VI was on the throne, and then suddenly you just disappear and be in Norway. That's not what happened. You fucking idiot. I missed out a comma. Amnesia for personal identity in past events, and potentially the assumption of a new identity. He doesn't really know who he is. A fugue state, I guess, is like a sort of, we call it a mental breakdown. Sure. Maybe multiple sclerosis. what's the name schizophrenia yeah anyway he's fucking headcase mad as a box of frogs so the fact that he's complete madman power shifts to these competing noble factions is a story of old time and the burgundians ally with the english who henry v has said that uh he's the rightful heir to france and that henry vi who's a boy at this point a beautiful young sweet tender boy yeah um and the armagnacs are backing the dauphin who is the henry v the agincourt king yeah so the dauphin are the family that are the uh armagnacs and charles the sixth is the dauphin anyway charles the sixth and henry the fifth and the french king he's the family it's like it's like the windsors i think fine and then is that do they have anything to do with dauphin white potatoes they inevitably will fine i'm sure yeah so uh the main problem arises when henry the fifth and charles the sixth the mad cunt die quite suddenly yes young two weeks apart And so now there's a crisis of succession.

23:48Let's get to Joan of Boring's life. But set in the scene just before she's born, I guess it's, yeah, about the time she comes of age, becomes legal. Yes. France are completely on their knees. They're getting fucked. Yeah. England are running, have for 20 years owned huge swathes of France. Yeah. This is my glory days. This is, to me, I look at this more than the British Empire map. Really? This brief moment where we owned half of, this this feels better than all of the british this feels more really yeah this is good stuff right here look at that imagine having a huge chunk of that but it's a toilet so uh france on the back foot and then we should probably place this we should place this now from the birth i guess from the birth yeah the birth of jone of 1412 jone of arc is born So to place that for you, this is after Genghis Khan.

24:43Yes. It is. Genghis Khan was in the 13th century, I believe. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Although who knows? No, yeah. Because they're Mongols. What do I call them that? Well, no, that's their politically correct term.

24:57Fat Mongols. They were fat, yeah. Violent Mongols. um after genghis khan uh but before go on um just go for it before cool runnings yeah so the idea of you know if joan of arc had seen cool runnings she'd have been like firstly what's that yeah and what are they who are they because she would never have seen a black person and she probably never seen a bobsled yeah she put how long before she develops racism because you have to learn it all very quickly well this is pre this is pre-racism really which is why i'm not interested in it okay you know for me really this is br before racism yes that's how again this is bsr before scientific racism that's what you like yeah you're a scientist as i've said before i'm an amateur phrenologist and uh you've got to put that in your bio i will be my instagram bio amateur phrenologist professional comedian amateur phrenologist brackets uh heil hitler um So those are my pronouns.

25:55That's the funniest brackets you could possibly do. Just brackets. Brackets Heil comma Hitler. Such a fucking heavy brackets to use. Yeah, it is. Just a throwaway thing. Brackets Heil Hitler. It's Heil Taylor, actually. Yeah, Heil. Heil Taylor. Heil. It's not he, it's Heil. He slash Heil. Did you see Hitler at the weekend? Yes. Thank you. Yeah. i feel seen right uh there's the one thing i don't get about gender neutral pronouns is that you're only one thing you don't get yeah there is one thing i don't get that's the only thing you don't get yes no about gender neutral pronouns right is that it's you're always in it's in the third person finn dayler if you want yeah but it's more that i want it's like you're only ever talking about someone when they're not there with those pronouns so so they're not there so they don't know that you're using the wrong pronouns because if you're talking about you're saying like if you if you chop a tree in the forest and no one hears it well slightly yeah because if i remember having a conversation someone if you misgender a trans person and they're not there to hear get offended did it really well these people weren't trans this person wasn't trans i had a conversation where pronouns i guess where where where them or a guy or whatever whatever they want to say a guy probably probably it was a guy um when he went we were chatting by the way what are your pronouns and I went well he him in my head I'm thinking I don't fucking that's the first time I've ever thought about it and then he's like oh I'm they them and I'm like okay but I'm talking to you you do you use you and he's like yeah I'm like well then this is not a problem is it because you could leave and then you it doesn't matter what I say yeah because actually what I might call you is cunt cunt so it's only because you can't control what other people say about you when you're not there what about if you're writing like a journalistic article about meeting them?

27:47Would that change things? Probably, because that's... Because then you have to... Because they could read it. Because they could read it. Right, okay. But that's why I'm always like, well, we have you, you're here. I'm not... They? Yeah. No, you don't... Exactly, who's doing that? What if they can slightly overhear you when you're... Well, then you've got to whisper quieter. Yeah, that's a good point. Anyway. I'm it. You're it. I'm it. It. It. It. it slash what head slash case anyway anyway joan of arc is born in 1412 and she's born into a peasant family in domremy right so she's a village they keep adding smellier and smellier things yeah medieval woman lesbian peasant french um and you know her early life is unremarkable arguably her whole life is but um at age 13 yeah and again this is not a fun teen story not like the teen stories our viewers will be familiar with yeah she begins seeing visions and uh you know what she claims there to be saints religious visions michael the archangel catherine of alexandria margaret of antioch remember antioch from the crusade series yeah again who gives a shit right but what i find funny is to basically probably what she is having is a migraine but because obviously they're thick and it's religious times it's religious time so if you like have a sensitivity to light yeah and you're like ah you must think oh god is that's god well if you don't if you don't believe in the christian god then what the fuck are these what do you mean what are these if you don't believe that god exists yeah then how would you interpret these visions well they must be mad yeah yeah yeah she's a nutcase she's having a migraine so really this story could have just been much quicker if she just popped a panadol and got yeah but i guess that's the miracles of modern medicine yeah so this is pre-panadol you should say it's before paracetamol so she she claims age 13 that these visions she had told her to drive out the english from france and crown charles the seventh in rheim so she's the original Greta Thunberg she is the original Greta Thunberg yeah yes she's sort of seen as like a woke icon but her thing is just restoring a French guy to the throne yeah that was like a progressive thing to do back then yes so in 1428 when she is what 17 right 16 16 yeah this is sort of her coming of age film super sweet 16 probably one of the worst super sweet 16's ever been so with the help of local supporters Joan convinces Robert de Baudricourt robert de beaudricore to grant her an escort to see the dauphin charles seventh um at his court and this is the key how did she let how did she get that that's pretty hard to get is it just from her having visions in a i think she basically was just so fucking annoying yeah over and over again eventually some guy was like all right i'll take it to the king christ sort of all you the only levers you really had as a woman were being annoying like you weren't going to beat the shit out of anyone so all you had was you didn't have any rights yeah what what other levers do you really have apart from being annoying right i see so um this is the key thing she dresses as a man right she cuts her hair and she puts on chain mail or whatever armor yeah and she travels to shino jane on jane on so drag king she's a drag king yeah slay yes jane on yeah so she dresses is a man which we need to put a pin in obviously this is the first and i listened to a very very very bad podcast series about joan of art every single one i listen to has been pretty poor it's all been rubbish yeah dross very smuggle the joan of art so smug and one of them started going off a tangent about how she's like a non-binary icon yeah you're like they didn't fucking know she would have burnt you at stake if she got the choice she would have had a vision and said can we please burn those non-binary annoying exactly she didn't know what the fuck was going on they didn't even know what a man and a woman was yeah they just knew we're not pigs that's all they knew she's not a non-binary icon she's not a non-binary icon she just cut her hair yeah anyway so joan goes to uh meet charles the seventh at janan are they calling her joan back in what they're saying joan joan oh joan joan we're the one that got joan joan joan of fuck why what is arc by the way why is it arc don't know i didn't come up anywhere in my research I don't really do much research.

32:22It was very boring. I do. I really tried. Viewers, I tried. What's Ark? Charlie, if you just Google what's Ark, what's Joan of Ark? Why Joan of Ark? Because there's an English translation. Oh, so her name was just Jean d 'Arc. Oh, right. So it's just a mistranslation for the English. Brilliant. So she goes to Charles VII, and she identified, so this is apparently, the king was hiding. Is he mental at this point? I think - This is the mental one's son. Right. He hides and disguises himself with all the other nobles. They've heard that this mad woman this mad woman's saying she's got a vision. Yeah.

32:58So they send forward someone who looks like the king. Yeah. They send forward someone who looks like a peasant and she keeps saying this is not the king this is not the king. And then she picks him. I think you should say he's not in this room. Maybe. And then he comes in and she's like that's him. That's him. So I don't know what's going on there. No because presumably she's seen a picture. Right. And so everyone's like wow. Anyway. Yeah. And then, now this bit I don't understand. And Charlie, I'll warn you now, I'm going to need you to Google this. So just remember, I'm going to talk and it's not your thoughts.

33:26It's me saying stuff to you. Church scholars at Poitiers examine her theology and character and find no fault. Now, what is a church examination of someone, a medieval, like what's a medieval church interrogation? Fingering. I don't think she's being finger banged. No. Because a huge part of her thing is that she's a virgin. that's a big part that's a big like it's it does feel like in the middle ages if you're a virgin it's like it's like you everyone's a vampire and you got garlic everyone's like she's a virgin no but also they like virgins but not in the but it's like you're powerful as a virgin i see what you mean yeah you know medieval times the church examined people through its own court system primarily for moral offenses and cases involving the clergy yeah but this is the point where the church is so linked to the state that they've chucked they've drop kicked the bible out the window and it's literally like how do we justify whatever we want to do yeah all this stuff's irrelevant basically it's just finding ways to know because actually if you look at this bit but anyway she she passes that test they probably like fucking hell you're dull so you're probably fine and then um charles charles the seventh gives in gives her some armor a banner and a command post which again probably for a laugh the problem with this story is that there's just points where there's these massive leaps that are taken and you're like why the fuck have you done that yeah that doesn't make any sense to me i guess there's a lot that we don't know because we're only judging off like the trials and stuff like that i know but it's just fun i can't think of another historical figure who's so like embedded in everyone's um common memory yeah everyone knows has heard the at least the name jonah bark yeah and yet when you research it's very little there it's true it's completely like meh i was surprised i thought i'd learn more yawning as you said it's incredibly boring um that's so disrespectful right come on come on let's get through it

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37:36You know what to do. Order on the Sweet Green app. So, Joan, now, there's been a big siege going on in Orleans. Old Orleans. The original Orleans. It's not a fun place. There's not a big tuba there. It's not. The French Quarter's less fun when it's the whole city. And it's been under an English siege since October 1428. So for about, what, eight months or something. I think this is the most northernmost stronghold of the French holding out basically if they're holding out at Orléans and they're if it goes if the English sees that it's another massive chunk they're fucked because then they've got a free run into the Loire Valley which is where the wine is that one some nice wine in Loire yeah so it is kind of a it's more central I think yeah but basically it would open up all of France quite easily they're really up against it it's 3-0 down at half time yeah it's Istanbul it's Istanbul stuff and then yeah she's her story is Rafa Benitez half time team talk yeah Stephen Gerrard she is Rafa Benitez I guess this is the whole story is that this is a half time team talk and then she couldn't do it again and then she got burned got sacked that's basically what this is yeah it would be like who won the Champions League with Chelsea that first year oh Roberto Di Matteo yeah it was like Di Matteo yeah can you do it again fired three months into the next season can't even can't even make the top four anyway Motti doesn't do chunkies Joan Motson Joan of Motson Joan of Motson so joan arrives in orleans on april the 29th 1429 yeah and this is again a huge leap in the in the story bear in mind she's not trained she's a woman with a man's haircut yeah she's a teenager with a man's haircut she's a woman wearing trousers which is genuinely very radical because no woman wears trousers these days this is genuinely very shocking this is what so the troops that have been fighting the english holding out and you know the water's running out blah blah blah it's a horrible medieval siege give us a flavor of medieval siege you like all this sort of stuff what's going on how does it smell it smells awful i mean the main thing that siege is it takes forever and you're basically starving them out right so a lot of time it is just like a really dull day of test cricket right but instead you're starving with no lunch oh no okay that is terrible what test cricket with no crisps that's awful yeah so uh she's waiting that they're waiting for something to happen she turns up and again i don't understand this she's got no weapons she's got no training she's an annoying woman wearing trousers with a bob and somehow all the all the french troops like well let's brilliant let's fuck up the english yeah so she's not doing any tactical stuff she doesn't even have a sword she holds a banner one of christ and then another one of the flood why why because remember we did the crusade story about peter bartholomew and antioch he had those visions and he then it galvanized so much they broke out the siege yes and then he was like i'm gonna do even more stuff lay the fire out for me look at this burns alive immediately yes yes yes uh it's similar it's similar-ish because specifically in joan's vision is that the rightful heir the french throne is the dauphin and also the idea of france as a nation she really crystallized it she really believes in france as a nation right even if she hates the burgundians but is that well then that she doesn't then does she yeah because that's obviously come later the idea the idea which would have a continuity with the modern idea of france i think she really crystallized it with one of her visions we should just join together in one horrendous toilet yeah Yeah, she envisioned the toilet.

41:14I can see. It's not a load of urinals. No, it's one massive bowl filled with shit, which we will spread onto Melbourne Toast and eat. And we won't work at all. And the women will have armpit hair. She's getting all of this. Envy of the world. She's like... It's like the Martin Luther King, I have a dream speech. Yeah. I have a dream. I have a smell speech. I have a dream that we will never use the other one. In our lives, I smell a poo speech. I smell of shit. I have a dream that one day we would have fucking 50 weeks off a year and my stinky kids. I have a dream that if they make us work one more week than two weeks a year, we will burn down every single municipal building.

41:58One day, stinky kids and stinky boys. Also, the novelty of a fucking, a brassy woman doing this. Well, she's not brassy. She's a little teen. No, that's what, she's pretty fucking brassy. The ball's on her. no but brassy is the wrong word what is it shirley bassy shirley bassy's brassy shirty uppity she's uppity but i mean it's so unusual i mean it's never literally never pretty much never happened before having this the confidence that she has as a woman saying that i'm a vessel of god yeah that imagery i think is very inspiring as well because it's like fucking hell she this is this is mad we never have this so watch but this is the this is the miracle of orleans right she turns up and somehow she motivates a sort of fairly depleted french force to break the siege and push the english back tony robbins released the giant within she's like yeah but it is like it's like a life coach yeah it's a half-time team talk but again we don't know why or how yeah i mean imagine being a french male soldier right and then a woman with trousers and short hair comes up who's like 18 imagine greta thunberg coming up to like a special you know yeah special operations yeah and being like you have stolen we have they have stolen our future yeah it is that and you'd be like and you'd just be like who the fuck are you wouldn't you you'd be like fuck off sort of but you are also french medieval and thick so i guess so you i don't think you're thinking that much i just can't imagine it yeah well what would you be saying if she did that who the fuck are you go away can someone's sorry someone's who's this can someone do this sorry Wait, security, who is this?

43:34That's what I'd say. Can you not bring your... Sorry. I thought we agreed no go for us for that tonight. Guys, this is a war. Fucking Greta Thunberg's just coming. Who's that? This is a fucking active war zone. It's like when she got on the boat and went to Israel and she just immediately went, well, fuck off, this is a war zone. Yeah. And she's like, oh, all right. What do you think was going to happen? It's a fucking war zone. Yeah. Women are paying 4 ,000 to screw them up and release their anger. Rage ritual retreat. And the founder's name is Mia. and she describes herself as a spiritual fairy godmother and is known online as Mia Magic.

44:06You're going to need big six. Right now I feel angry. Right now I feel frustrated at everything. Whatever you're feeling, let it out. I mean, female, I will say that female emotion outside of the domestic environment is absolutely terrifying. Yeah. Untethered female emotion. Yeah. Away from the kitchen is terrifying. Yeah. Burn at the stake? I think so. Now you understand, yeah. Yeah. Is that the bit of the story that makes the most sense to you? It's the only bit of the story that makes sense. because I think they had several opportunities to burn her at the stake. Yeah. Firstly, you're in a war zone.

44:35What are you doing here? Go away. Yeah. Secondly, when she's like just sort of bobbing about the - I guess a lot of it as well is how much the French have been fucked by the English for so long that they're like, they are literally out of ideas. They got nothing. They're throwing the kitchen sink. Yeah. They're throwing the kitchen wench. They're throwing the woman that's at the kitchen sink at the English. so blah blah blah right she captures so inspires them to uh she gets she gets get injured she gets an arrow in the thigh right wounded by an arrow but returns and this is everyone's like oh maybe she is sent from god so the whole thing is that she's on a mission from god not in a fun blues brothers way in a very boring god-bothering way and it apparently inspires everyone but again i just cannot imagine it because she's a fucking 15 year old girl with boy's hair yeah anyway having defeated the English, she then clears a path.

45:28Gets greedy. She gets greedy. This is where she goes for it. Another helping at the buffet? I don't think you need that. No, no, no. Come on. So then, in her visions, in her migraines, to call it, given the proper name, she has seen that Charles VII will be coronated at Rim. How would you say it, Charlie? Rim. But again, this is in territory that is controlled by the English. So she clears a path. She has all these successes, pate, blah, blah, blah. Other, well, I don't care. I don't care. But she, anyway, she gets to Rheims, which is the traditional coronation site for French kings. So I guess this is the very, very bottom of the toilet.