In short
The episode covers Lord Nelson’s aftermath of the Battle of the Nile and his Mediterranean/Italian entanglements, especially his relationship with Emma Hamilton and the resulting scandal, then pivots to Napoleon’s failures in Egypt/Syria and his return to power in France, ending with the Battle of Marengo and Napoleon’s myth-making.
Guests (backgrounds)
Ratio Gould and Finn Taylor are the main speakers (Bill Simmons hosts). They discuss history through comedic, often sexualized commentary; Finn also promotes his book “The History of Mankind in its entirety, abridged.”
Key claims
Nelson establishes a “foothold” in Naples by partnering with Emma Hamilton; Nelson effectively neglects his wife Fanny Nisbet and later forces an ultimatum. Emma and Nelson have a daughter, Horatia, whom they deny publicly. Sir William Hamilton is portrayed as a “proud cuck” who financially patrons Nelson and tolerates the arrangement. Napoleon’s Egyptian campaign is framed as a disaster (plague, abandoned soldiers, failed sieges) that he sells as victory; his famous quote “history is a set of lies agreed upon” is discussed.
Notable examples
Nelson’s 1801 Copenhagen action (“turning a blind eye” to orders) and forcing a truce; Napoleon’s Cairo uprising and skull-measuring; the Acre siege and retreat; the Marengo reversal after near-defeat; Napoleon’s repeated eating of “chicken Marengo” after victories.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VODads Night at Sea
0:00 to 0:29
Discussion about father's perspective during family vacations
“Star Wars The Mandalorian and Grogu is now streaming on Disney+.”
Dads Night at Sea
0:58 to 1:30
Discussion about father's perspective during family vacations
“That means that summer's officially here.”
Dads Night at Sea
3:20 to 5:00
Discussion about father's perspective during family vacations
“He's going there to establish a grope hold.”
The Napoleonic Wars Overview
5:00 to 8:00
Introduction to the Napoleonic Wars and the aftermath of the Battle of Denial
“She is a, and at this point, she's not quite as fulsome as the photo Charlie's just put up on the screen.”
Nelson's Polygamous Relationship
8:00 to 10:00
Exploration of Admiral Nelson's relationships post-battle
“But she was in the kind of, this is Georgian era?”
Lady Hamilton's Influence
10:00 to 12:00
Discussion on Lady Hamilton's role and her relationships
“Men are pulling women's skirts over their head and they've got 15 skirts.”
Cultural Context of Georgian London
12:00 to 14:00
Contextualizing the societal norms of Georgian London
“The opinions are of their time, which is now.”
Unpacking Loyalty in Relationships
14:08 to 17:13
Exploration of loyalty as a compliment and its implications in relationships.
“So, Nelson, of course, has still got his incredibly boring Fanny Nisbetter.”
Nelson's Unconventional Marriage
17:13 to 19:10
Discussion on Admiral Nelson's marriage to Fanny and his affair with Emma Hamilton.
“Well, but that's the thing with sailors, isn't it?”
Sir William Hamilton: The Diplomatic Cuck
19:10 to 21:02
Insights into Sir William Hamilton's role in Nelson's life and their unconventional relationship dynamics.
“So anyway, so William Hamilton, okay, whether he is a cuckold or whether he just is, you know, it's a war hero.”
Show all 29 chapters
The Scandal of Horatia
21:02 to 24:43
A look at the scandal surrounding Nelson's daughter Horatia and the implications of their affair.
“Instead, they shared a famous and unconventional menage a trois sent it around to William's wife.”
Nelson's Military Strategy and the Copenhagen Incident
24:43 to 28:00
Detailed account of Nelson's military tactics during the Copenhagen incident and the geopolitical context.
“He's still married to Fanny at this point because divorce is very difficult.”
The Danish Truce and Nelson's Rise
28:00 to 28:30
Learn how Nelson's strategic maneuvering led to a truce with the Danes.
“and pretty quickly what you would say is an anti-British alliance dissipates.”
Napoleon's Stranded Situation in Egypt
28:30 to 29:25
Discover Napoleon's challenges and scientific endeavors during his time in Egypt.
“Uh, now he's kind of putting a brave face on it.”
Napoleon's River Nile Dilemma
29:25 to 30:29
Explore the humorous and hypothetical scenario of Napoleon attempting to drink the Nile.
“It was a bit of a crossroads after he lost the battle at the Nile.”
Napoleon's Tactics and the Cairo Uprising
30:29 to 31:30
Learn about Napoleon's aggressive tactics that led to the Cairo uprising.
“He had a complicated relationship with his mother.”
The Syrian Campaign and Its Aftermath
31:30 to 32:52
Understand the failures of Napoleon's Syrian campaign and the consequences faced.
“Is this his biggest boo-boo on the sort of...”
Napoleon's Return and Exaggerated Victories
32:52 to 36:28
Examine how Napoleon portrayed his failures in Egypt as victories upon his return to France.
“there's also a big siege at Acre he tries to take that It was the old crusader state.”
Napoleon's Return and Exaggerated Victories
38:33 to 38:58
Examine how Napoleon portrayed his failures in Egypt as victories upon his return to France.
“That means that summer's officially here.”
Napoleon's Personal Turmoil and Humiliation
38:58 to 42:00
Discover the personal conflicts Napoleon faced upon returning to France.
“New customer offer for initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy.”
The Portaloos and Napoleon's Early Life
42:00 to 43:10
Explore humorous anecdotes about patrons and Napoleon's early life.
“Do we see what he looks like when he gets out?”
Napoleon's Coup of 18th Brumaire
43:10 to 45:04
Learn about the dramatic events of Napoleon's rise to power in 1799.
“So Napoleon seizes power in the coup of 18th Brumaire.”
The Crossing of the Alps and Battle of Marengo
45:04 to 47:27
Dive into the challenges Napoleon faced during the crossing of the Alps and the subsequent battle.
Chicken Marengo: A Culinary Legacy
47:27 to 50:16
Discover the origins of Chicken Marengo and its connection to Napoleon's victories.
“but what happens is that the austrians see what he's doing so they just all attack him at once uh and so he has basically lost the um he's lost the battle because the austrians surprised him with an ambush, right?”
Consolidating Power: Napoleon's Tactics
50:16 to 52:24
Examine how Napoleon consolidated power through media control and legislation.
“It feels like morengo you have to have done something in your day.”
The Napoleonic Code and Its Implications
52:24 to 56:00
Analyze the Napoleonic Code, its radical nature, and its implications for women.
“revolutionary newspapers, and he just goes, no, they're all in the bin.”
Napoleon's Controversial Views on Women
56:00 to 57:29
Explore Napoleon's alarming views on women and crime in society.
“Women, when they are bad, are worse than men and more ready to commit crimes.”
The Paris Orgy of 1802
57:30 to 58:36
Learn about the peculiar social exchanges between British elites and the French.
“for so long, they all just exchange fluids, sort of?”
Rise of Napoleon and Initial Peace
58:37 to 1:01:28
Discover how Napoleon restructured Europe post-revolution and his ambitions for war.
“So he's actually spending this piece, this short-lived piece, rearming.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Star Wars The Mandalorian and Grogu is now streaming on Disney+. What are you waiting for? Hop on. The must-see galactic adventure comes home on Disney+. This is the way. Our only chance is to work together. I like this, kid. Always wear your seatbelt. Star Wars The Mandalorian and Grogu, now streaming on Disney+. Read PG-13. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports.
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1:39welcome back to fin versus history uh joining me is ratio gould and i'm having a lovely time i don't want to know it i'm really enjoying this dad's out at sea no it's dad's night yeah we've had ladies night and now the dads are just bobbing on a fucking ring in the middle of the sea yeah fuck off this is the 20 minutes on holiday that your dad will play with you before he gets bored. This is in the middle where it feels like it'll be okay. Christ, that was harrowing. I thought you were doing it from the perspective of a dad. No. But you're doing it from the perspective of you 20 years ago. Yeah.
2:15Dad? This is the middle. I've got a date with a ping pong actress or whatever they're called. Ping pong artist. I guess they're artists. Sorry, artists. Welcome back to our epic series on the Napoleonic Wars. This is part four where we are discussing the aftermath of the Battle of Denial. Nelson has destroyed Napoleon's navy in Egypt. The French are fucked. Just drink it in. It's good stuff. The French are stranded in the desert. And what does Nelson do as soon as he's beaten the navy? He sails to Naples and gets into a polygamous relationship. Yes. Phenomenal. He becomes part of a polycule. I mean, this is just not at all.
2:57What you expect. When you're looking at that column, you're not thinking that he's a polyamorous icon. I mean, polyamory in 18th century Britain is not at all. I guess they're still working it out. This is pre-Victorians. That's before they fucking slap that door shut. When do they slap that door shut? Yeah. And we've let it open a fraction again now. And it's just, they've just ripped it off the edges. And now no arsehole is sacred. so what happens is that he sails to Naples which he has been to before in 1793 and he's met this woman called Emma Hamilton Lady Hamilton who is the wife of Sir William Hamilton who is the ambassador in Naples now Naples is a Italian city state or some kind of yes the kingdom of Naples it's the centre of one of the Italian kingdoms again Italy does not yet exist it is a series of disconnected groping men groping men who are carb loading basically what happens when garibaldi um links all together that these italian kingdoms just groping around in the dark and then for each other eventually in the 1800s their hands all grope each other yeah they're both going for the same tip after you no after you and then they realize that they're stronger together and you know it's a great day for italian men it's a terrible time for italian women 1863 is it really that's they look back on that and go fuck me yeah we didn't know how many rapists there were in this peninsula um but it's important because britain needs footholds in the mediterraneans they're just trying to rather than handholds in the arson they need to have they need to have grope holds in the mediterranean yeah naples is a very key grope hold for a key grope hold yeah and that's what Nelson is doing.
4:45He's going there to establish a grope hold. When in Rome do as the Romans. Yeah, exactly. So he goes to Naples and he links up with this woman, Emma Hamilton, who he had met previously, the wife of the ambassador. Now, she is a bit of a goer. Yes, to say the least. She is a, and at this point, she's not quite as fulsome as the photo Charlie's just put up on the screen. She's famed for her, quote, attitudes, which is a sort of 18th century slang for slaggery, is it? Yes. Dramatic performances in which he posed as figures from classical antiquity. Yeah, but it's intellectual slaggery. I apologise.
5:25It's an elevated slaggery. It's Dr. Kinger from Big Brother. Letters after her name, vodka bottle upper snatch. Well, it's a Don Perignon bottle upper snatch. Of course. No, it's Don Julio, 1942. That tequila bottle super rich going about. It's classy. It's not just some old fucking... Actually, what brand does Kinga shove up a fanny? What brand of alcohol is it? Because the whole cultural shockwaves of this incident rest on what brand of alcohol it is. I mean, without this, we might not have Kinga putting a bottle up a fanny. An un-generic house wine. Yeah. Yeah, okay, come on. Unlabeled. Yeah.
6:08So, okay, so it's production wine, which they won't have been able to show. so it will have been like Jacob's Creek or something yeah yeah yeah get that first photo up let's just have a look at that this is Lady Emma Hamilton in Maples oh god I mean that's an iconic moment it really is well this is you know I was watching this as a young boy I know and this is pre-female orgasm remember I grew up in the times before okay yeah I imagine I can't remember when I first well when we as a society first learned the female orgasm discovered it I think it was first discovered it I believe it was Shackleton found it No, it wasn't.
6:43No, Shacklin thought he'd found it and then he died pursuing it. A brave man who laid down his life in search of this Bigfoot. But Kinga from Big Brother, I think was the first time I discovered it. It had been kept from me. I believe it was done in John Major's tenure. I believe that's when... That's when it all... That's when... Well, it's a fight sale of sodomy is now legal. That's sort of Pandora's box when Major got in. Yeah, yeah. What is it, Charlie? Do you think this is a more powerful act because it was done before phones? Like as for Kinga to do that then? Yeah, I mean, now... Is that more powerful?
7:11Now the Prime Minister's doing that. It doesn't really mean anything. But at the time, this was quite revolutionary. Who is our new First Lady Prime Minister? Who's Burnham's wife? She's a little blonde lady. All right. She likes art. What's her name? How do you know this? She's quite cool, apparently. She's called Andy Burnham? She's called Andrea Burnham. She's called Marie France Van Heel. Nice. That's quite a posh name. But she is not... Doesn't sound northern. I think she might be Dutch. Fine. I'm getting Clegg vibes. Yeah. Clegg's Mrs. is an absolute smoke show. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. Senorita.
7:50Clegg mania never died on that side of the family. I'm still absolutely wild about the other Clegg. Lady Clegg. She's American. The other Clegg girl. The other Clegg girl. I'm watching that film. Right. Anyway. So Emma Hamilton is an absolute goer. She is a filth mistress. she i believe she's got not she's a master of filth yeah the master of filth um a sexual terrorist she is did she become pregnant age 15 i think she's a jizz hardy um excuse me like a jizz hardy right yes of course just hardy i thought you were quoting nelson's last words just on me hardy just on me what what um yes so she's just just hardy um is she a prostitute it's not super clear from the FAPI ban yeah is she a prostitute I don't know I mean again this is Victorian Al-Qa 'i cream pie sorry Al-Qa 'i cream pie it's not there that's not there Emma Hardy is Emma Hardy a prostitute now there's also a British Labour MP we're not talking about that one no yes she clearly looks like a prostitute prostitute next she doesn't look like a woman's footballer she doesn't look like a woman's footballer what's she doing in the House of Commons it's a disgrace right artists and diplomats described Emma Hamilton as self-aware in the use of her body now I don't think I'm very self-aware in the use of my body right okay and I'd say 80 % of my movements are unintentional sure like I'm clumsy I fart when I don't mean to okay I don't think she's doing that no I don't think she's only farting when she means to no she means to fart you know I think she's farting with intent yeah I think she's more monetizing her farts I think she is well she is Nelson has huffed her farts in a jar from Egypt and he sailed straight to Naples.
9:39But she was in the kind of, this is Georgian era? We're in the reign of King George III. London is still in that sort of restoration glow. Just to place this, we're in 1798 at this point. This is after we have lost the colonies. America has gone down its path of mobility scooters and casino floors. um yeah so this is uh and it's just before king george the third the same king went fucking mad yes went absolutely doolally and we had a vegetable for a king for decades but the vibe in london this is still sort of that kind of post-restoration london where it's quite frivolous there's lots of frills it's like everyone's shopping yeah it's quite like that and so lady hamilton she would do I guess she was sort of like an exotic dancer, but for Georgian London, she'd do - In my head, there's a lot of Mrs.
10:33Muffets and pie shops. Yes, but it's getting a bit randy. It's a very randy age. Men are pulling women's skirts over their head and they've got 15 skirts. And they've got like doubloons. Constantly. They've got, yeah, and they're so horny. They're trying to peel the onion. Where's the cunt? Anyway, but they've got like, is it called doubloons or pantaloons? Everyone's in pantaloons. And I think Lady Hamilton started her career wearing dresses for rich women, I believe. Wearing dresses for rich women. You know when they'd have that thing where you'd have an attractive woman wear a dress for you so you could see what you won't look like in it.
11:10Right. Yeah. Yeah, okay. So she's kind of a model, a dancer. Yeah, she's just a society girl. A waif. Yeah. And a stray. Now - So she comes from a poor background. Yeah, then she gets knocked up by an aristocrat. Yeah. anyway then the woman the kid rather gets she gets taken in by William Hamilton's nephew and then she ends up fucking her new daddy's uncle so she's fucking the nephew and then his uncle I mean the woman the woman likes it up her so I thought you'd have more disguise on that no no Emma Hamilton's not putting any disguise on anything right it's not the most charming one History fans, my book is out now.
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12:32You can address all correspondents in these fists. It's out now. You go and buy a copy. Give it to your dad, your uncle. Not your mum. Not your mum. She won't like it. The audiobook's out now if you can't be bothered to read. I recommend reading it personally. I recommend listening to this on double speed audio. that would be my while you've also got some porn up while you've got some porn up Subway Surve videos pornography double speed audiobook Goon the audiobook yeah okay this is this is audiobooks to Goon 2 yeah and it's your playlist for audiobooks to Goon 2 Lo-Fi Slows to Goon 2 check it out bye Star Wars The Mandalorian and Grogu is now streaming on Disney Plus what are you waiting for hop on the must see galactic adventure comes home on Disney+.
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14:08So, Nelson, of course, has still got his incredibly boring Fanny Nisbetter. She's loyal, though. That's the only thing she has, really. The problem is the boring ones are loyal. Well, of course you're loyal. Well, of course you're loyal. I'm the spark in this relationship. You know, I'm the flame. You're the moth. Of course you're loyal. It's quite an insult being your first compliment being loyalty, right? Yes. Was he like, he's loyal. Yeah, he doesn't leave. It implies that they're sort of stupid. He hangs around. Like a dog. Yes. Yeah. Loyalty is a bit of an insult sometimes, I feel. Yes, I think so.
14:41Unless it's like the 15th compliment. Yeah. But it can't be your main thing. But if it's the 15th compliment, then you're probably not that loyal. no yeah what's the best first compliment uh nice kind kind yeah yeah what do you say charlie strong really so you're a big might is right sort of guy i think so yeah yeah yeah it's funny there's a kid a kid in my daughter's class right he's an absolute wet bag and his dad's a bit of a wetter as well but then we overheard the dad just yeah no no we're not a mexican sorry a wet bag sorry wetter and we overheard on the way to school his dad just like going if any kid any kid you just fucking hit them you just fucking smack them you just fucking hit them so what was the wet ones sorry I should say his dad was like hey you'll hit them you'll hit them right right so it was a wet dad speaking to his wet child and telling him to be dry yes but you don't think that message was getting conveyed no I'm sure it did get conveyed do you think the dad was maybe talking to himself a little bit I think the dad needs to have a look in the mirror I think he's he's born a wetter and needs to try and stop There's generational bullying, isn't there?
15:45There's generational trauma. You can bully a kid so much that their kids are going to get bullied. It just doesn't leave you. What is it? I was told to thank the bully. If they were being mean, she'd be like, thank you. And then you kind of... This is a mess. What are we doing? You're bullying me? I'm just taking it. This is such a mess. How do we end up being here? Where are we going? Right, so Fanny. Fanny Nisbet, Nelson, is still married to her, but he could not give less of a fuck about her. I don't think in history... That's one Fanny he really has not thought about for a long while. It's a dry Fanny, to be fair.
16:18Nelson, I don't think there's a wife in history who gets more of a hard time than Nelson's first wife, Fanny. I just don't think... I mean, as we'll get to how he treats her at the end, it's phenomenal. It's aspirational stuff. She's punching, though, Fanny. Of course she's punching. So, like, you know... She looks like a fucking bread basket. Right. He's won the Battle of the Nile, and Britain's heard about this. so he's a hero but he just goes to Naples and then I don't think he has any real mission there does he have some kind of is he maybe evacuating the king of Naples because it's all kicking off the French are invading a bit there but he's not really got an legitimate mission he just basically starts fucking Emma Hamilton whilst in the house of Sir William Hamilton and then we need to get to Sir William Hamilton see this is the problem Nelson on land this is quite a different beast slippery eel on land slippery eel this is an Achilles this is a hero of the highest proportion.
17:14On land, he's a bit of a... Shagger. Yeah. He's all at sea on land. Well, but that's the thing with sailors, isn't it? As soon as they get on land, they just want to fuck everything because they're at sea the whole time. All they've got is biscuits and each other, right? All they've got is soggy biscuits. That's what they've got. Oh, he's in Naples to repair ships and to help suppress the local uprising and restore the King of Naples. Right, okay. Basically, as soon as he arrives in Naples and shacks up with Emma Hamilton, he never speaks to his wife again. Really? Yeah. Not once. I think he goes back in 1801, finally gives him an ultimatum, choose between me and Lady Hamilton, and he's like Hamilton.
17:48Yeah, definitely. 100%. Yeah, 100%. 100%. Huh? 100%. Fuck off. I love you sincerely, but I cannot forget my obligations to Lady Hamilton or be ungrateful to her. Yeah. Obligations. So all three of them return from the Mediterranean in 1800, and it becomes kind of public knowledge. There's three of us in the marriage. Yes, there's three. So this guy, Sir William, I mean, get a photo, get a picture of Sir William Hamilton up. This is an esteemed British, you know, Regency cuck. And there's a lot of cucks in this story, but this is a man, a proud cuck. Yeah. You know, no prouder. Is that why he got his medals?
18:25Sorry, no prouder cuck than that who farms out his wife to a war hero. Yeah. You know? And I think maybe, maybe every man. Well, he is a diplomat. Well, maybe, well, to put it mildly, but maybe every man. He understands how to bring parties together. Maybe every man is a cuck. You just haven't found the right, what's the term? Person to fuck your wife. Person to fuck your wife. I mean, that's a very profound thought, actually. Isn't it? There's a cuck inside all of us. I'm in flow style. It's a flow style this morning. I think, yeah. There's a cuck inside all of us waiting to get out. All you need to do is find the right man to fuck your wife and the right chair.
18:59There's a lot of cucks. Just two things you need. There's a lot of cucks who haven't found the right chair. I like you, but this isn't comfortable. It's a bit springy. I don't want to recline. Because I think every cuck has a different, that's what's you know they're like snowflakes they're completely unique every cup with how they want to you fucking snowflake watching your wife get railed we will be talking a history of the cuckold on the page yes you said but what would be your um prime cuck like spot how would you like to be sat watching someone have it i think kind of have at it like on a stool facing no no back no back of the chair okay kind of man it football manager oh well i'd be elsa on the bucket yeah BL's from the bucket BL's from the bucket's nice I mean football manager is a good sort of yeah I think maybe I could be like are you getting up and shouting and going get up I think I'd be like Arteta I'm always going out of my technical area I'm just incredibly trying to get the crowd involved you know you're kind of involved there I'm trying to harness the power of the Emirates during it you know I'm really trying to get the crowd behind I'm doing the Poznan I'm making a political statement as to who's fucking my wife right yeah okay you Paul Golding it I'm Paul Golding it Yeah, no, not on my name.
20:09So anyway, so William Hamilton, okay, whether he is a cuckold or whether he just is, you know, it's a war hero. I mean, would I let Simon Weston have sex with my wife? Maybe. With the right chair. With the right chair. With the right chair. I mean, that man, not Trevor Nelson. Not Trevor Nelson. I like Trevor Nelson. Trevor Nelson did not single-handedly, okay, reclaim the Falklands. So Simon Weston did. Yeah. Yeah? Okay. So if, I mean, I would let Simon Weston have sex with my wife if, as you say, I found the right chair or bucket. Anyway, he also, so they all live together in a big house, right?
20:46He becomes Nelson's financial patron. I mean, one can only hope that our patrons would get to the point where they're paying us to fuck their wives. I don't want that. Whatever you call a wife, I'm not going to put my dick in your body pillow, all right? So it's an open menage a trois. lived at this place in Merton they build this big house but when they say menage a trois Nelson and William aren't having a go but it feels we don't know do we can we find out was there any a moment where Emma was tired and Nelson and Sir William got down to bits yeah but they're sort of fucking each other through Emma Hamilton but also you know and Nelson only has one arm so that limits the amount of threesome this is a two man job sort of stuff Oi Sir William help me out here No, Lord Nelson and Sir William Hamilton did not have a sexual relationship.
21:38Instead, they shared a famous and unconventional menage a trois sent it around to William's wife. Sent shockwaves through George and London, surely. Hang on. Is this a devil's threesome situation? What's the devil's threesome? Two blokes and a girl. Or, because there's a threesome and there's a devil's threesome. Yeah, sure. Is this... There's one which is the greatest moment of your life and one which traumatises you forever. Yeah, exactly. I was like, oh no. Greatest moment of your life. I lost my best friend. I don't want to ever talk. It's the two options.
22:13They refer to themselves as the Tria Juncto in Uno. Three joined in one. Smug now. Now that implies there was some, there was some, you know. I don't like how confident the records are that they didn't. This is a war. Because I'm Ridley Scott directing this. Were you there? i'm making the because i open it with just the whole film is just there it's just a veteran were you there it's a veteran spit roast i mean yeah we don't really know whether there was any action they were spit roasting emma hamilton maybe they were just she was just you know there was a shift shift work you know much like right okay you're gone you're up well have you seen like when they're those like workers are hammering in a nail and they have that rhythm yeah so it's clocking in yeah yeah there is trying maybe it's like it's um maybe her fanny is like a never-ending stew in that there's always gonna be there's always gonna be something in it so they're just tapping out to like um yeah yeah 20 years or perpetual she's got a perpetual stew of a snatch as um petrol snatch anyway um christ so uh now they right so the press uh they obviously go wild on this this is tabloid tittle tattle they mock emma who uh gains uh weight and drinks heavily uh but that only seems to i mean that's just more more cushion for the pushing as far as sir william more cushion for the more cushion for the pushing is that a cartoon yeah you're right this is a very bawdy age we've got punch cartoons you can see where it's all come from though we have not moved far no at all so they all shack up in this house in Merton then Surrey which is now the end of the northern line and I guess you can still go there on like a day out to the sort of cucks palace at the end of the northern line it's like going to Harge for cucks are they all loving it or is anyone yes I think they are well yeah they're openly saying this is us now she's loving it well clearly yeah who loves it the most her then Nelson then Sir William who I think is is at best mildly enjoying it and at worst just stoic well at best I think the whole he prefers having someone else fuck his wife yeah she's obviously too much for him sexually but he's a diplomat yes you know let's get around the table yeah you guys get on the table I'll sit here so eventually rather unsurprisingly um Nelson and Emma have a daughter however this is a great scandal so they don't admit.
24:45Because it's out of the wedlock. It's out of the wedlock. He's still married to Fanny at this point because divorce is very difficult. So he's just separated. He's just told to fuck off, you're disgusting. Yeah. But they're still actually married. And he's a war hero, but his stock is falling rapidly amongst the Admiralty because he's also betrayed orders, I think, to go to Naples in the first place. The Naples incident is sort of the low point of his career. This is like Bond going rogue. because of a sort of woman's Bond girl's kind of side quest. For sure. So they have a daughter, which they deny.
25:23However, she looks just like Nelson and they call her Horatia. Yeah. I would call my daughter Horatia as well. You should call your daughter Horatia. But if you're going to have an illegitimate child and deny it, you can't just change one letter of your name. That's my advice. Yeah. Hiding in plain sight, I guess. Anyway. so uh he is kind of it's a fall from grace of sorts for the hero of the nile however in uh april 1801 his stock starts to rise again now the geopolitical context back on sea it's electric exactly yeah it's just when he's on land it's a problem he pulls his trousers up he gets back in the boat and he's a hero again right now straight back allow me to cook on the geopolitical context because i tell you what you don't want to be in copenhagen's position in 1801 i wouldn't want to be in Copenhagen 801.
26:12I'll tell you what, if you're in a menage a trois, the last thing you want to be is Copenhagen. No, absolutely not. Because Nelson's coming to fuck you up. Yeah. Well, you've got it. Basically, the problem with 801, the problem with Copenhagen is they had to make a choice. Is Napoleon going to fuck me on land? Yeah. Or is Nelson going to fuck me from the sea? That was their entire choice. Yeah, rock and a hard place. Really? Yeah. Basically, there is a, what's called, is it the coalition of neutrality or the alliance of neutrality between the Baltic states and I think Russia. Because at this point, I think maybe we're into the war of the second or third coalition where everyone is going up on Napoleon.
26:51But the Baltic states, basically, they just want to trade. The alliance of neutrality, the League of Arms neutrality, that's it. But Britain don't want this. They want them to gang up on Napoleon because Britain are being squeezed out. So Nelson in 1801 leads 12 ships into shallow waters against anchored Danish floating batteries. His superior commander, Sir Hyde Parker, tells him to retreat. Nelson, sensing victory, lifts the telescope. Wait, hold on. So what was the reason they're attacking Denmark? Because they want to basically force the... The neutrality essentially means we're joining with Napoleon.
27:30They're saying we're neutral. Well, yeah, but it was a fundamental choice that if they'd sided with Britain, Napoleon would have fucked them. So it was a pretty impossible choice. So Hyde Parker puts the flags up saying retreat. Yeah. And then Nelson's got a flag on his ship to his little other mate saying engage the enemy more closely. Right. Nelson lifts the telescope to his blind eye. Yeah. And then goes, oh, well, I can't see anything. Fuck it. Let's just keep attacking. And this is where we get the saying turning a blind eye. The Danes are overwhelmed. And Nelson forces them into a truce.
28:05and pretty quickly what you would say is an anti-British alliance dissipates. But there's no bad feeling towards the Danes and the Brits. They said they fought well and they had no real choice. No, I mean, you know. Nelson is just... Chucking Lego at the ships. Yeah. That's what Nelson is up to. His stock is rising again after a pretty crazy private life. Where is stinky old Napoleon? He's in denial. He is in denial. He's in denial, brother. Um, he, uh, has been stranded in Egypt. Uh, now he's kind of putting a brave face on it. He's, he, he starts a scientific institution in the institution of Cairo, the Cairo Institute, where many scholars and racists start measuring skulls.
28:50It sparks a revolt in Egypt. Now the French claim, and this is not the first time that European power claimed this, is that we're like here to liberate you from your own. Cause you've got the revolutionary principles. Yes. So you can now start to do ideological. It's the first sort of liberal interventionism in a way. If you've had a revolution based on no kings, it becomes harder to justify domination of others. So it has to be spreading revolution, basically. He's also... Charlie, what have you found? It would have taken Napoleon about 79 million years to drink the River Nile by himself. Crucial.
29:28Crucial information for our listeners. Three liters a day. But Napoleon, he had a couple of... It was a bit of a crossroads after he lost the battle at the Nile. What should I do next? Should I try and establish a colony, or should I drink the entire River Nile by myself? I have many men here, but I think I could take this myself. And thankfully, he chose the right path. Yes, I think after the 79 million years, I think he wouldn't have achieved a lot. This would have been a shorter series had Napoleon chosen that fork. I'm going to drink the entire River Nile by myself. I do love AI. It really gives it a go.
30:02Well, three litres a day, it thinks. Well, that's human daily water intake. But what if he was actually trying, you know? Yeah, if you try really hard. Anyway. Wait, wait, let's find out. 79 million years. We should just find those out. This is crucial. 31.7 million years. Okay, well, we're shaving time off. It feels like we could get it down to an achieve ball. We've just lost 40 million years. I'm seeing 31 million years. I'm like, okay, that's not too bad. We're getting there. We're getting there. Okay, so if they had his mum hostage, it would take him 80 million years. What? That's longer.
30:34Even with the maximum motivation. He had a complicated relationship with his mother. Yeah, he did. Napoleon is, yeah, he basically goes up to the Egyptians like, hey, I'm a friend of the prophet. I'm one of you guys. And he gives himself the name Ali Bonaparte.
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30:57Trying to get through customs. Wagwam alaykum. you know as well brother i'm ali bonaparte yeah and egyptians are like really yeah and no this leads to the cairo uprising later in 1798 because he's taxing them uh and he basically does what he did in 1795 where he just fires artillery at them from point blank range they all go and hide in a mosque and then he um just fucking gets them out and starts shooting them yeah but the whole time what did he say he said god is too late you've begun now i will finish and he just starts blasting of the mosque. Yeah. Is this his biggest boo-boo on the sort of...
31:35The next boo-boo is when he invades Syria, right? And this is because he's trying to... Syria at this point is run by the Ottomans and the Ottomans are also... Are they fighting him as well at this point? But the Ottoman Empire is creaking at this point, right? It's not what it was. Is it? This is not its pomp, I don't think. I don't know. So he gets to Jaffa in what would now be... Israel? Maybe. And he gets two to three thousand Ottoman prisoners and they are executed entirely by bayonet or drowning in order to save gunpowder. Because they're all in the river, the corpses are in the river in the heat this triggers an outbreak of bubonic plague which runs through the French army thousands of soldiers have this desert blindness which we said so they're trying to retreat but they can't see where they're going they also try to drink the entire Nile by themselves that's not going to help and so Napoleon asks his physician to give the soldiers fatal doses of opium to euthanise them and the physician refuses saying my profession is to cure men not to kill them and so Napoleon you know there's also there's also a big siege at Acre he tries to take that It was the old crusader state.
32:57It is. Napoleon just fucks off. Yeah. He just flees. He's just like, all right then. I'll see ya. Stag doing. The stag's disappeared and then you're stuck speaking to the mutual friend. Yeah. You don't have nothing to do with that. Bye. Have you ever been on a stag where the stag maybe drunk too much and has collapsed early? And then you're like, well, we don't really know. The whole thing, we're all doing it to make sure he has. We were chucking dicks at the stag, but now it's like. who are we who are we I got cornered in a stag with two people having a debate about what you can and can't say in comedy and I was like I don't want to be here you'd have this wait the stag back up again yeah have you told your story about the signet ring in Benidorm a guy on a stag do the groom fell asleep and then one of his mates thought it would be funny to put his signet ring on his knob when the guy woke up he had morning wood his knob had gone black and it had to be removed and then removed removed yeah there's not removed you've skirting over that had to be removed had to be removed and then um yeah his his wife decided not to marry him because he had no knob well which is probably the worst sorry yeah probably not but she's probably i think the fallout and then also the person who put the signet ring on his knob he lost his wife as well because of the shame oh that's very sad so it's kind of like it's one of the least successful stag do's ever if you go on a stag do and you come back with no wife or knob it's pretty much as bad as it gets yeah i guess that's the worst case i suppose not just to play devil's advocate is there any chance that the bride maybe thought how small was his knob that he could get a signet ring on it okay or how big were his hands this is what the devil's advocating for this is what i It's questions I'm asking to this story.
34:51So you think it was more, it's simple. Well, it's more just, well, if you can't fucking put a signal ring on without your knob falling off, then yeah. Sorry, you said you saw a photo of what? I did see a photo. I saw a photo of the knob. And it is what you imagine. What, black? Black with the signal ring at the bottom. But like coal. Yeah. Like coal black. Yeah, yeah, pretty much. Can I see this photo? I haven't got it. I was shown on someone else's phone. She goes to a different school. Right. Brilliant. Yeah, all right. So Finn doesn't get to see the big black knob. So I don't get to see the black knob with a signal ring on it.
35:20Literally my two favourite things in the world. I don't get to see. So Napoleon just basically abandons his army in Egypt. Is it 30 ,000 men are just left behind? He secretly just fucks off, right? This remaining force surrenders to the British and the Ottomans in 1801. Thankfully, the British regain control of the Rosetta Stone. That goes in the museum. Safekeeping. Don't worry. It's fine. so it's a complete disaster for Napoleon it's awful but he sells it as a big victory this is the thing the painting of him by the pyramids we feel the hand of history on our shoulder he's aware he's a mythopedophile he's making his own legacy as he goes and as the book we're reading he's a tactical genius but not a strategic genius no if you're doing it on a match brilliant but you're doing it over a season over a season there's a lot of errors yeah so let's scores on the doors his Egyptian campaign ends with the entire fleet being destroyed.
36:17His army is riddled with plague. The Syria campaign's a disaster. 30 ,000 soldiers are abandoned. However, he sends letters to France and gets paintings of him with the pyramids. He says he's annihilated the Ottoman threat. He emphasizes the Battle of the Pyramids, this historic battle, and sort of just kind of minimizes the Nile and the Acre siege. And then he famously remarks, which is a huge quote for us as a podcast, history is a set of lies agreed upon. I couldn't agree more we can agree on that lie I actually do you know what I actually tweaked that to say to history is calling people pedophiles that aren't here to defend themselves that's what I would say that's what I would say that's a small tweak on Napoleon's famous quote history is actually calling everyone a pedophile who's not alive to justify themselves and throwing doubt over agreed pedophiles that's what history is from my point of view but that's where me and Napoleon differ many things um anyway uh so he goes back uh to france uh now he's obviously uh humiliated because while he's been in egypt he's found out that his sexy coal-mouthed minx of a wife has been noshing off a dandy called hippolyte star wars the mandalorian and grogu is now streaming on disney plus what are you waiting for hop on the must-see galactic adventure comes home on Disney+.
37:44This is the way. Our only chance is to work together. I like this kid. Always wear your seatbelt. Star Wars The Mandalorian and Grogu now streaming on Disney+. Read PG-13. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans.
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39:02See terms. And so he goes back, storms in, and says, I'm going to divorce you, Josephine. Throws out all his stuff, locks himself in his bedroom, all right which is not this was the most of alpha
39:15and then goes cries on his bed this is fuck you wife um yeah josephine returns pounding on the door uh she then deploys her teenage children to weep hysterically with her for hours uh and then so it's all like when you can like it's an african wedding african funeral yes you can sort of pay people yeah you can pay people to what weep for your wedding. In Japan they do it. In Japan you can hire a mourner. Apparently Nigerian weddings you give money the bride will stand there with a straight face and then you give money until she smiles. So as long as she can hold down That's awesome. But as soon as she smiles you have to stop giving money.
39:56That's a great game. So is she smiling because she's happy? No that's like if you can hold a straight face your future could be secure. I don't think I'd last long. No. well you get a fiver and you're like brilliant you should ask for gift because you're not getting you're not getting the equivalent value of like a John Lewis dinner set or something I reckon I could make quite a good bank there
40:21it's hard but then I guess when someone's giving you money it's hard not to smile but also are they giving you money in a funny way well that's probably the way when if they've got a hard defence you might have to bring out a lot of the gags exactly so Joseph takes Josephine back because ultimately he just can't resist. He's a simp. He's a complete simp. Explain simp. Simp means that you're just like, you're a complete bitch to your girl, basically. Right. You'd do anything for her. He's pussy whipped. Yeah, he's pussy whipped. He just can't resist the allure of her black mouth. Yeah. She'd be gobbling up all the cocks that have fallen off as dag doves.
41:00Yes, she's got pinky ring cocks for teeth. um so uh in november 1799 this is where napoleon so he comes back and he's a war hero and he is probably the most famous man in france and uh at this point the french there's been a decade of revolution the economy it's like weimar germany it's like just nothing worked there's no money uh living in france yeah for like 200 years until until it gets to like belle époque it's pretty much hell for 200 years still i mean i think there's i think the better block is a blip you know in a pretty consistent story of we are a toilet you know the best time to live in a toilet we're still living in a toilet yeah you know oh there was a day where they cleaned it yeah pretty charlie can you get um man found in portalu toilet um sorry you could say this is what you're saying is being born in France.
41:56Oh, his head might be appearing. There he is. That's the top of his head. Full screen it. That's the top of his head. So that's being born in France. Oh. Fucking hell. Do we see what he looks like when he gets out? I think you get to see him being hosed down. Yeah, there he is being hosed down. And he was trying to get a can of Mountain Dew. I don't know. Friend of the pod, a patron, obviously. Our patrons are often getting stuck in portaloos trying to retrieve their mountain jude it's stupid getting stuck in a portaloos but getting stuck in a portaloos for eight hours is also like it feels like it's surely there's there's ways of being found in the portaloos if there's no one using it i don't know is he directly under the toilet i don't quite understand the mechanics of it or can you hide well there's no there's famously where was this mountain jude there's no this There's no drainage, so it ends where you see it, right?
42:49So he is just in the tank. So he's sitting like this in a port-a-loo, and then his head's there, and the seat's there. Because there's nowhere else to go in a port-a-loo. It's a port-a-loo. Maybe the mountain G wasn't in there. He just spent eight hours looking. Are you saying does Wellington defeat Napoleon at port-a-loo? He traps him in a portable soil for eight hours. Right, come on. So Napoleon seizes power in the coup of 18th Brumaire. Now, I'm not going to get into the fucking noncery that the French do. They change all that. They Pol Pot it. They make it year zero. They change the calendar.
43:23There are 10 days in a week. Everyone hates it. It's bollocks, right? Anyway, it's November. So a group of politicians, they think, right, this is chaos. So we need a strong leader. Essentially, we've had 10 years of supposedly left-wing revolution, but we need an enlightened dictator is the thought. It's kind of understandable. Yes. and so they concoct this fake Jacobin plot. The Jacobins are the most extreme. They're the original Wokarati. Corbinites. The Corbinistas are the Jacobins. So they then force the then council to relocate to this kind of manor house outside Paris. Then the army surround the assembly.
44:04And then this is the big moment, right? Napoleon is meant to like walk in gloriously and say, I've arrived. I'm going to seize power. You know, you think of Idi Amin seizing power and he's finding the canon himself at the palace. Napoleon walks into the palace, has a full panic attack, gets shouted at, and then scratches himself so hard he bleeds. Right. Right. You know, the aura doesn't quite live up to the paintings of it. He gives a very confused speech, but he nearly faints. And then everyone shouts and says he's an outlaw and a criminal. So then he like runs out and his brother, Lucian, basically saves the coup because he pulls out a sword, points at Napoleon in front of the troops and says, if he betrays you, I'll kill him.
44:46And then all the troops go in and just, there's a painting of the coup there. Let's get that up. So he sees his power, you know, basically just about by the skin of his teeth. Yeah, which does not chime with him becoming the ultimate emperor of France. No, not at all. But again, it's myth-making and it's the era of the romantic propaganda. so um he makes himself first consul uh he's talking back to the roman empire um uh now once he's established his absolute power he needs a military victory to cement it yeah so here we go here is another one of our buzzwords that will make prostates implode we get to the crossing of the alps and the battle of morengo um this is in may 1800 now uh napoleon had been cooking in uh northern italy yes uh it's not the battle of garth merengue charlie the battle of morengo a lovely place to cook and he doesn't invent a dish called chicken morengo when he does yeah i'll get that yes he does it's his favorite it is his favorite dish and it's made it's major this camp of course charlie knows he knows it's the thing he yeah so it is his favorite dish is chicken moringa now what's been happening while he's been in egypt is that the uh the austrians uh have been uh ding-donging it back across italy and basically all of his gains he made in 1797 have been lost right so he's like right fuck it i'm going back yeah so he um he crosses the alps which must be invoking Hannibal oh totally yeah right so he the great St.
46:28Bernard Pass now this is probably maybe the most famous painting yeah get the painting up the painting he gets a painting done of him crossing the Alps and it's him on a white horse and it's him in his in his flowing cloak and his robes and the horse is rearing but he looks calm and there's a bit of a Hitler salute going on which I don't hate but in reality he was dressed basically in like a full wool burka big russian hat and he was on a donkey and he was this is the most like ai face apt yeah i mean he basically ai can you ai this to make it look better um uh and so he crosses uh the alps on a mule uh he survives the pass um this is all very icy it's horrible horses are you know slipping and blah blah blah anyway now he actually completely fucks up the attack he splits his forces to try and uh encircle uh the austrian forces at moreno but what happens is that the austrians see what he's doing so they just all attack him at once uh and so he has basically lost the um he's lost the battle because the austrians surprised him with an ambush, right?
47:44And so they're retreating, they're pushed back, they're in total disarray. And the Austrian general, basically, at sort of like four o 'clock in the afternoon, thinks we've won this, right? So he goes to his tent to have a nap. And meanwhile, the other force that had left to pin to the Austrians finally arrives back. Right. And then suddenly they are fresh and they have, I think there's only 500 cavalry. Right. But they just charge in. And the Austrians have basically been thinking, we're this is like a victorious a victory lap and suddenly napoleon's uh cavalry who he'd abandoned come back in okay just start fucking shit up and there's the horses this is one of his closest proper battles he basically has lost this until the last hour it's a man united against by munich right right they're one nil down for the whole game and then suddenly so sure right so the the cavalry come in and there's maybe 400 cavalry but they i mean again this is why i love the Napoleonic Wars.
48:40You know, you've got muskets and artillery, but you get fucked up by guys on horses with swords. Yeah. You know, it's awesome. The guns aren't good enough that you could still not get fucked up by a horse. No, because you fire them and then you're like, oh, fuck it, you know. Oh, fuck it. Every time they fire, they've got to bust one out, you know. Basically. Yeah, so they can only fire like around every four minutes. Yeah. Essentially, Austria had won it, but then this lethal cavalry charge and then they get to the artillery in and so Marengo within an hour and a half is completely flipped and it's a famous French victory from the jaws of defeat and so Napoleon says fortune smiled upon me again he adds this word so this is probably the luckiest he's ever is on the field of battle yeah probably most of the time it's yeah and so again he adds Marengo to that list of famous battles you know he says battle the pyramids Lodi Marengo So he basically gets the Austrians to sign a peace treaty.
49:45And chicken maringo is the big thing to come from this. Can you type in chicken maringo? So images up of chicken maringo. His chef had basically went out and couldn't find anything. So he just came, because they lost his supply wagon. So they came back with eggs, tomatoes, garlic, crayfish, and a skinny chicken. Feels like they've got quite a lot of stuff there. And he fried them in cognac. and then Napoleon basically ate this after every victory he had for the rest of his career. Have you ever had chicken morengo? No, but I want it. Sounds good. It's delicious. Have you had it? You've had it?
50:14Yeah, I've had it, yeah. Where did you have it? My house. You made it? My friend makes it. He loves meat. Your friend makes chicken morengo? He cooks it, yeah. He loves meat. But do you feel like... He's a meat guy. I don't... It feels like morengo you have to have done something in your day. I don't believe you. Well, you should believe me. I'll send you a photo next time he does it. Yes, please do. He does loads of lamb and he sometimes does fish. Yeah, I'm not saying your friend doesn't cook chicken. What I'm throwing doubts over is that your friend on the regular cooks Napoleon's favourite dish, chicken Marengo.
50:45He has cooked it. Do you feel like chicken Marengo, you have to have done something with your day? Because it's a victory dish in many ways. It's not a wake and bake situation. You can't have done nothing and then, yeah. Or get Marengo on, love. It feels there has to be some feel of achievement with your day to celebrate it with Marengo. With pasta. And those look fucking awesome, to be fair. Yeah, it looks delicious. Chicken and crayfish is an odd combination. And eggs. You know where we got crayfish in our rivers? Loads of them. Yeah, no, I'm aware. Have you ever been picking? Have I ever been to a river?
51:12Or crayfish picking? Yeah. No view? Yes. Mids of Love or Ruin. Right, come on. Come on. Do you eat them? You play with them. Oh, my God. The erections are flagging. There's a pinky ring over these men's knobs, right? You know, we've got them hard, and then you're talking about fucking hunting for crayfish. Come on. This is a month where the women aren't here. Charlie. Mints of Love Will Ruin. It's got loads of crayfish. So, Napoleon has not only another famous battle to add to his list, he has also made a dish that Charlie's flatmate supposedly still makes to this day. Henry. Say his name. Henry makes Marengo.
51:50Henry makes chicken Marengo. And they feed it to their fucked up lizard. All right? Roger's better now. You rejoice. rejoice. Charlie's lizard has kicked whatever skin condition it had. For recovery, it's actually like... Well, brilliant. It's like having a dog. Well, let's stop the podcast and knock each other off, should we? Well, I don't know where you got that from. Should we do that? No, I don't. So having got back to France, Napoleon has consolidated power. But he goes further. He basically, there's a lot of revolutionary newspapers, and he just goes, no, they're all in the bin. He He maybe just leaves two.
52:30This is dictator 101. This is, but this is what I mean. You've got to take control of the press. It's what the European dictators do. If Bellasconi, you know, run your own news channel. He starts a secret police under a guy called Joseph Fouché. Now, he was so brutal. What had he done during Egypt? Oh, let's get a picture of Fouché up as well. Yeah, the butcher of Leon. So during the revolution, during the terror, he'd just been chopping people's heads off. In any of these moments of like historical sort of terror and spasm, you will just have a sick fuck who's taking advantage. Oh, yeah. Like these sort of like Jeffrey Dahmer types where just history's fallen, where it's sort of socially acceptable to do with.
53:06Look at that. Oh, he looks like an evil guy. One of the most evil French faces I've ever seen in my life. Look at that. He looks like the Voldemort in Harry Potter 1. Yeah, he does. Look. He looks just like... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he becomes... Scary fucker. He makes a secret police, right? So there's even a moment where having reconciled with Josephine, he then, Josephine starts getting people to spy on Napoleon and his mistresses. So then Napoleon gets Fouché to spy on her spies. It's not a happy marriage. But he also forms the Napoleonic Code. Yeah. Right. Which is his, this I guess is his Nuremberg laws, would you say?
53:52Yeah. I mean, this is probably - Would you give that to me? Yeah, I would give that to you. I mean, this is where he sort of... Would you give that to me and show it on my arse, please? He starts to sort of differ maybe from some of the other historical figures is how alongside all these battles, doing a pretty revolutionary domestic political code. Yeah. That is exported and still used. I mean, this is still... Finlionic code. It's still... You'd have a code aim after you, isn't it? Yeah, you want a code. You want a code. So this is his code. I mean, this is still in the kind of basis of a constitution in France.
54:22Is it? In some ways. You tell me whether this is still France today. Freedom of religion, protected individual property rights, ended the idea of noble birth privileges. Or equal for the law, that's pretty radical. Wives legally owed obedience to their husbands. Women are classified alongside minors. Yes, that was the interesting thing. So the Napoleonic Code was incredibly radical from a liberal perspective. I'm a paedophile, I guess. Apart from women. I guess I'm a paedophile. It was kind of also the deponent Because it was basically one of the most radical political documents making everyone equal apart from women.
54:59And children. Yeah. Women and children. It's kind of amazing. All right. Some of the stuff in here is basically the birth and modernity. The only thing is it goes backwards for women. Yeah. Women have a terrible time. But it's even worse than before the revolution now. It's beyond medieval. Yeah. So he's like, we're all created equal, not you. You're basically just children. Women could be imprisoned for infidelity. Whereas a husband would only face legal consequences if he brings the mistress into the family home. I mean, yeah. Fair enough. Also, if a man walked in on a woman having sex with someone else, he could shoot the woman.
55:37If a woman walked in on a man having sex with a woman, she could just sue him. She could kill herself. She could kill herself. He'd be glad of it. Women are classified as minors. Yeah. So we're all Napoleonic pedos. Yeah. This is real incel stuff here, though. Yeah, it is. He's really getting his own back for all the women who've rejected him. A wife who killed her cheating husband faced premeditated murder charges. Yeah. A man could just blast. Yeah. So this is a quote. This is a quote. Women, when they are bad, are worse than men and more ready to commit crimes. The soft sex, when degraded, falls lower than the other.
56:16Yeah, this is real fucking. Sorry, that was Napoleon speaking. That wasn't. This is a real fucking storm front manifest. Yeah, it is. That sort of stuff. Well, he's a school shooter. He is a school shooter. This is the school shooter's code. Normally, they don't live long enough to establish, this is my school now. I'm going to tell you how things are going to run around here. Normally, they get blasted by the FBI. He has established a code in 1804. He has a secret police run by the Butcher of Leon. He's got 60 newspapers down to four, and they're only allowed to publish government-approved praise.
56:46now uh in 1802 uh they're finally after 10 years of what have been called the french revolutionary wars yeah there is finally peace when uh war pauses between france and britain with the signature of the peace of amiens and so napoleon peace yes napoleon then presents this to his people as i'm you know i'm not just a warmonger i made peace um he says peace is the first need of France. Yeah. It's not. It's pastry and oral sex. Yep. Well, that comes in later, actually. That's now, which then takes us to the Paris Orgy of 1802, where, because the borders were now open between Britain and France. It's quite a bizarre, weird period in history, where they, because they've been fighting for so long, they all just exchange fluids, sort of?
57:34They just, the British elites. It's a fluid exchange. They just came over and were like, oh, let's fucking, what's going on over here? And then they just started fucking everyone. They literally, all the British elites went over and were like, this is a mess. Fucking, this is such a mess. This is such a mess. So they, yeah, so all the British elites went over to France and started fucking everyone. And then, but no French people came over to Britain. It's quite funny, isn't it? They're like, no, we don't really want to go there. Now, during the peace, Napoleon doesn't really stand still. He annexes Pierre de Mont, which is just bordering Tuscany, near Tuscany.
58:09He, it says, reorganizes Switzerland. It's already pretty organized, I thought. Yeah, I don't really know what he's reorganizing. And famously crushes the Haitian Revolution. But the Slave Revolt was successful in Haiti. Yes. Was it a different Slave Revolt? Maybe he then... Then he went back and crushed it. Went back and crushed it. Not sure. Maybe he fights it. Because the only successful Slave Revolt was the Haitian Revolution. Also, this must be the time of the Louisiana Purchase. 1803, I think. Oh, yes. He desperately needs money for the war. This is the worst deal in history. So he's actually spending this piece, this short-lived piece, rearming.
58:45Very Hitlerian. Very Hitlerian. Very Jackassian. No, sorry, he's not Jackassian, he's Hitlerian. So he spends the piece rearming in order to fund rearming. He also, sorry, I don't know when he introduces conscription, but this is one of the big things about the Napoleonic Wars. This is the first mass conscription. Yes. So before this, there's just been standing armies that are quite small. Napoleon is the first guy to be like, we're going to mobilize the entire state. but also britain becomes it it fully mobilizes its economy to become a war economy which is the first time it's ever been done it's about to yeah but in this but this is where i don't know when he introduces conscription but the point is is that he's he's starting to get a lot the numbers of troops that are starting to get involved in the napoleonic wars uh really take like an exponential growth because he of his conscription so um as part of the peace britain was meant to evacuate Malta, but they don't.
59:37And so quite quickly, the peace is starting to look like a sham. And then you have this insane thing I didn't know about where there's a guy, there's a Tsar Paul I of Russia. Get a photo of him because he looks mad. He is assassinated in a coup. Charlie, can you get Tsar Paul I? Yeah. it looks fucking awful he needs to go to the Ottoman Empire and get a fucking head transplant he needs to go to Turkey this guy he is assassinated by conspirators at the behest of the British Foreign Secretary so this is kind of like a reverse Salisbury I mean Britain the way he's assassinated is pretty mad as well, they storm the Kremlin they poison him and then he gets strangled with like a curtain tie and trampled to death So they just stomp on him.
1:00:36But why would the Britain want to kill him? He's found high-winded curtains, struck with a gold snuff box, strangled with a sash and trampled to death. And this is because he's... They still have him to death. No, but this is when... This is at the same time, just around the time of Nelson in Copenhagen, because this is all about the League of Neutrality. Interesting. So Britain is financing subterfuge in Russia. So Alexander I ascends the Russian throne, and he immediately restores friendly ties with Britain and dissolves the Baltic League, which had formed with the Danish lot, right? So in this context, the fragile piece of Amiens is looking like a sham.
1:01:13And so in 1803, once again, Britain declares war on France. And this, listeners, is the official start of the Napoleonic Wars. We haven't even started the Napoleonic Wars. This is all be the French Revolutionary World. In our next episode, Napoleon will immediately order the arrest of all British tourists in France and he starts gathering troops at the Channel for his invasion of Britain. Hello. Look what TJ Maxx dragged in. The Devil Wears Prada 2 is now streaming on Disney Plus and Hulu. We are digital. We are downloadable. We are streamable. The fashion event of the year is certified fresh.
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1:03:19If one man can stop sticking his dick in a diplomat's wife, one man will be hunting him down to meet him at the... It's not Gavin Plum. It's Horatio Nelson. Okay, in our next episode... But if it was to happen today, I think the man who would stand up for Britain would... Be Gavin Plum. In 2026's Battle of Trafalgar. So it'd be Plum's column. It'd be Gavin's column in Trafalgar Square. Would it? He'd be at the bottom of it though. I'm not getting up that fucking hell Holly Willoughby's at the top and he's at the bottom she's so beautiful can you go and rape her for me I'm too bored I'm too tired anyway in our next episode we'll do the Battle of Trafalgar that's already on the Patreon and sign up you know what to do why aren't you joining up already come on we'll see you next time for Trafalgar goodbye God bless Thank you.
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There’s a cuck inside us all.
The Napoleonic Wars (Part Four)
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Chapters:
00:00 - It’s Dad’s Night
03:24 - Intellectual Slaggery
10:23 - A Proud Cuck
16:24 - The Devils Threesome
19:38 - Rock And A Hard Place
23:21 - Drinking The River Nile
27:28 - The Signet Ring
31:50 - Stuck In A Portaloo
39:22 - Crayfish Picking
46:26 - Charlie’s Lizard
48:56 - Finleonic Code
52:33 - Gavin Plumb
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