Which Came First: The Toilet or The Deep Fried Roast Dinner? | William Wallace (Part 1)

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2:12Welcome back to Finvers History. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. today we're talking about william wallace yes the freedom fighter scottish mandela failed to get scottish independence yeah this is the long road to nicola sturgeon being arrested for spending party funds on a caravan this is the long road to alex salmon being arrested for uh harassing a woman i think he was a naughty sex guy yeah naughty sex is he dead i think he's He's dead. Did he die? Try to verify that. He knew too much. He knew too much. The Scottish Epstein, Alex Salmon. He grew too much. When did he die? Oh, he died, wasn't he?

2:50Did he... He got told off for being naughty before he died, right? Yes. It's not a Savile sitch. No. I don't think he was as bad as Savile. Yeah. Can you find out Salmon's sex crimes, please? Seeing as we are talking about William Wallace. Yeah. 14 offences against 10 women. Attempted rape. sexual assault, indecent assault, and one breach of the peace. Now, this is nothing compared to what the English did to the Scottish... That breach of the peace is absolutely disgraceful. He could be making a political point about the unfair relationship between England and Scotland. He's acting... Well, it's role-playing.

3:25Yeah, it's Marina Abramovic sort of stuff. Right, so he's... And she's like, don't do that. Well, exactly. I'll be England, you be Scotland. I'm going to show you what the English traditionally have done, historically. Wow. Rape role-play. it's not really role play it's more of a it's a more of a it's like a live banksy yes it's a symbolic your honor this was a live banksy it's the performance art defense that alex salmon said yeah um no we're in scotland in the middle ages yeah uh and william wallace is well is he a freedom fighter is he a terrorist yeah well it depends on your perspective exactly um he's a terrorist i think he's a terrorist i think this is he's the scottish bin laden perfect as we'll see um he is the scott the scotch bin laden i i am scottish but i have to say i don't identify with scotland at this point what this you don't even recognize your own country i don't i think they were lost and they weren't found until they joined the union but personally i mean i identify with the kind of edinburgh um presbyterian enlightenment scotland who scots would say are not proper scots yes they say they're english and tartan yeah yes that's that's me yeah yeah literally i want to live in the highlands in a castle not in a mud hut i'm not a member of the mctaliban um so uh we're in the medieval period though so obviously you've got you've got a raging lob on yes um this bit i don't really know what's going on in the 1200 yeah it must stink i mean scotland medieval scotland come on that's a double negative think about that smell and also so they don't so it's a misconception they don't have any kilts at this point that's a sick pre-kilt this is pre-kilt so they don't have their knackers out no thank god but then what do they have what are they wearing if they're not wearing kilts in braveheart they were dressed like tramps all of them yes even though they're meant to be scottish nobles right so i don't know i assume it's just sort of like i think there's a lot of brown rich scottish people today dress like tramps that's that's the long road isn't it right but do they but what's the cap of track suits yes yeah well is that what rich scott's addressing like yes yeah tallest dwarfs yeah i guess so um but is that the that's i think that's that's just you just yeah after his role play well i will say scott is homeless it's it is the creme de la creme it's the it's the big leads it's the champions league yes there's just a level there that is just above anywhere else i've ever been in the world yes i don't know what is it probably heroin is probably the have you been to skid row in la no i mean that's that's bad that's bad that's bad but there's a certain like culture to the scottish homeless there's like a you feel like there's like a history tradition that they're they're paying homage to the esteemed homeless man the the madness there is is is the most cartoonish yes i feel yeah if yes like and also the accent you have 10 minutes to to write a mad person yeah scotch homeless person it's a short big yellow hands on my face like like you know the accent suits homelessness in a way that no other accent does and that could be the richest or poorest person no idea that is what's the beauty of scott that's the king of scotland yeah in england it's so uh defined yes like working class people and posh people sound so different You know where you are.

6:42In Scotland, it's just, they're all shouting. It's a fucking soup. Indistinct. Because I used to live in Glasgow. I was literally when I was seven. Yeah. This is before I was insanely fat. Right. The eating was a kind of coping mechanism with the shattering of my identity. Yeah. So there's home videos of me, like Glaswegian Christmas, age three, going like, Portsmouth, pa! Like, speaking like that. I had a Glaswegian accent, so I was seven. Wow. Of course, there you are. Yeah. I forgot that you are sort of Scottish. Yeah, yeah, in a way. but i remember uh going to the glasgow laser quest with my dad and then coming out dominating right and then coming out and uh seeing a guy walk out a pub turn around and then take a next step and literally banana skin just and just head on the floor no didn't move right basically dead and then three people walked past and like uh just nothing like nothing just didn't help another day just another Glasgow Tuesday in Glasgow it's vomiting in Newcastle it doesn't mean anything yeah it's meaningless but we're in 13th century Scotland and we should deal William Wallace it's kind of it's difficult because it's part myth yeah a lot of it's just a lot of it might be complete bollocks the 1200s I don't know how much history will actually do in the 1200s it feels like a bit of a dud century and that's you saying that yeah do you know what I mean why is the because you have the the first crusade that's like hey man hey man hey man the year a thousand it feels like this stuff goes on there but it doesn't feel like anything properly gets going again to like the 1400s that's my opinion yeah um so it just feels like it's very rare that something happens in the 1200s that we talk about we're in the 1200s so in scottish terms this is this is pre-kill it's pre-whiskey as well so that's why i don't really understand it it's it's porridge okay it's fucking raining porridge up there oats they can't get They're mixing up with this stuff.

8:34Oats, they're mixing meat with oats and making like meat porridge, which sounds like a slang for a woman's vagina. It's disgusting. They're using spurtles. What's a spurtle? A spurtle is a porridge-specific stirrer. I own one. Is it a Scottish invention? Yes, a spurtle. Spurtle. Again, it sounds disgusting. But they are the great inventors, the Scots. Charlie's got a... Spurtle. a photo of a spurtle in use a special but it does feel like i don't know medieval housewives trying to get a dildo in the home do you know what i mean as we know medieval housewives were always trying to smuggle dill legends of the home yes but no i need that spurtle for all the porridge i'm stirring yeah and then the husband would turn a blind eye why can't you use a wooden spoon to the clearly ribbed dildo they are they are ribbed for the porridge's pleasure spurtles um yeah this is the this is really porridge era yeah haggis is around haggis is around haggis is around right or well i i found i researched this last night uh a form of haggis right which does then make you think i feel i could make a form of haggis yeah i've watched an early what's an early haggis again that sounds like a slur for woman's vagina human civilization oh put your early haggis away love for christ's sake no one needs to see that it's a delicacy and how on earth did human civilization come up with something as amazing as haggis should we explain because i'm a massive haggis it's incredible should we explain for our listeners that aren't from these isles i mean yeah it is yeah whiskey and haggis is quite amazing haggis is basically sheep's brains and guts wrapped in a bladder spiced with um herbs and i think there's some oats in it because they put oats in everything yeah do you is it was it sort of like the invention of penicillin do you think it was a sort of accident transformative yeah well just more like well yeah but it's more like how do they come up with that?

10:25I think they basically put everything in a bin and then accidentally heated up and went, oh, great. It's brilliant. It's fucking brilliant. This episode of Finverse History is brought to you by Surfshark. Guys, look, you've heard it from us before. Yeah. No homo. No homo. I love Surfshark. Yeah, that's fair enough. He said it. He said no homo. No homo. I'm gay. No homo. I want to go down on Surfshark. Who is Mr. Surfshark? I don't know. I'd like to meet him. I'd love to shake his hand. I'd love to see his tight little trousers around his thighs. If only I could see it, but he's too well protected.

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14:06We are in the year 1286 when this story really begins. When the 80s? It's the 80s. Back to the future, I think. Big hair, big glasses. Back to come out. Scotland is independent at this point, I think. Yeah. And King Alexander III dies suddenly. Yeah. He was riding on his horse at night to go and see his new-ish wife, and he was pissed, and he fell off and broke his neck. I mean, it's a long... It's a comforting tale. I mean, the story you told about Glasgow, it hasn't changed much. Yeah, genuinely, that is exactly what happened. He comes out of a pub and just falls over and breaks his neck. It's drunk driving, but on horseback.

14:46And this sparks a succession crisis because he had a granddaughter who was called Margaret, who lived in Norway, and she then becomes, at five years old, the sort of queen of Scotland. She gets on a ship to come to Scotland. Margaret in Norway doesn't sound like a beautiful woman for some reason. No, but she's also five. Yeah, I know. so um it's a different time though you're right i guess i guess uh nowadays now yeah i guess in in the sort of dog years of medieval society and maybe she's 16 yeah uh what was the life expectancy charlie in the in the 1200s 24 to 30 what right wow yeah but that yeah in scotland you're right actually because that that could be nowadays you've googled that 30 to 35 oh don't believe it don't believe it but margaret got on a got on a boat from norway to come and claim the throne of scotland and dies in 1290 uh before ever setting foot in the country feels like a very 1290 thing to do yeah yes it does die so just die yeah yeah spirit of the age yes in that she's dead um the zeitgeisty thing to do in the 1290s was just to fucking die all the kids were doing minute porridge and death what were the kids into death that die that's what's emos yeah they're emos yeah they're emos if they weren't fakers yes oh so it's about death so multiple claimants then come forward to claim the scottish throne uh uh in particularly a guy called john baliol to avoid civil war the scots ask edward ii of england who is one of the uh he's one of the probably the the strongest English kings ever?

16:24Oh, one of the goats. He's one of the goats of English kings. He's like a sort of warrior king. He's quite brutal. Long reign. Long reign. Doesn't he? I think so. He actually, I found out in 1290, he expels the Jews from England. Right. Oh, yes, that was controversial. Now, 2000, although I doubt those numbers. I think that's such a big number. I think it was probably more like 600. You're such a cynic. i just think with you know there's a long i've got a long history of um just questioning things yeah i guess you are you're very you question inquisitive it's all like sherlock holmes yes in a way yeah david irving's just uh just sherlock holmes just whenever i hear about the holocaust all these things come on in a classic english sense he goes well i'll act as a kind of neutral referee on all the succession disputes yeah um so he chooses john baliall as king in 1292.

17:21Yeah. So, but he's basically thinking this Baleel guy's a puppet. Right. I'm going to shove my hand up his ass and make him squeak. Yeah. But Baleel doesn't like this, obviously. So he's crowned in 1292. Now Edward repeatedly summons him to England to show he's a little bitch. Yeah. He sort of treats him not really as a monarch, but as a kind of official. And then he's ordered to provide troops for all Edward's wars. Edward's going over to France a lot, I think, at this point. His authority starts to kind of collapse at home. And at one point... Because he's an English puppet. He's an English puppet.

17:56So the Scots then say in the sort of mid-1290s, we're going to sign the old alliance with France, which acts as a declaration of war with England. Was it a new alliance at this point? That's a good point, actually. Because the old alliance is a long alliance that gets brought up a lot. But how old is it? But they open calling it the old alliance. So this is actually, at this point, this is the alliance. This is just the alliance. So he signs an alliance with France, England. Edward's like, this is war. So John Bale, then he rebels against the English and sends forces into Northumberland. So again, it's a sort of pretty...

18:35Sounds like a euphemism a little bit. Send forces into Northumberland. I do think there's a point in the middle age where I will just start referring to sexual domain in pure military terms. you know i will build a redoubt yeah which is an euphemism for hiding in the cupboard masturbating right yeah that's my last stand yes yeah the cucks last stand um so ever the first basically now has justification for a full-scale invasion of scotland yeah and this is where i mean this i can't imagine this now in march 1296 scotland now at this point it's in scotland berwick upon Tweed one of the you'd say probably the safest most stuffy boring places in this country but at this time it's the largest and richest town in Scotland even bigger than Edinburgh it's a gorgeous town on the train up from London to Edinburgh it's uh yeah it's a gorgeous town uh but in 1296 it was not gorgeous no because uh Edward the first essentially raped it right uh and he allows his army the high five of Berwick upon Tweed as we would call it as the English would call it it's contested um the great high five of beric upon tweed edward allows his army to kill and rape freely for two days freedom yes in a way when does my freedom freedom when when does my freedom get in the way of your uh consent it's complicated it's a complicated history isn't it one that alex salmon fell foul of his strange performance he believes in freedom he's a freedom fighter it's a freedom feeler yeah um anyway he feels freely uh he does feel freely he did feel freely he's dead um he's dead he's dead he did off with his head he's dead and now are scottish people saying words funny like this at this point i don't know he did it feels like they just never really change for the middle ages though do you know what i mean you know when you hear well their food doesn't we're just going to heat up a bin for dinner or just put a fire in that but yeah why don't you gotta get a butcher's bin put it on the stove uh yeah because i you know what actually thinking about it the the range in scottish accents may be greater than any other country in terms of the sort of homeless, you know, all the way to the Koonsberg, you know, the sort of the sexy.

21:02The flattened. The flattened sexy. The sexy, yeah, obviously. I don't know if there is. Yeah, I'd say England has more of a range. Also, Koonsberg sounds like an insanely racist slur. Yeah, it's like a Jewish black guy. It's Mr. T. Ethiopian Jews. It's crazy. How she got to the BBC with a name like Koonsberg? it wasn't a nickname at school was it christ insane name for someone to have we never touched on the scottish porn in our in our sex yeah probably probably the bottom in the rankings of i'm gonna fucking boss oh fuck i'm going to i'm going to boss long time listeners this podcast will know i have a sort of i have a sexual um paralysis proclivity for uh the sort of um the older scottish woman yes but i would like to say you're in a chokehold yes i am of my own willingly you're loving it what i would like to say is if i ever to either either of you say that i'm up i i would like i have a go on nicola sturgeon kill me kill you kill me no no questions asked no questions asked kill me do what take you sort of like killing lenny and advice and men yeah i'm too far gone by that point so we'll just tell you yeah i'll just tell you about lorraine kelly and then yeah you tell me i'm going to go meet lorenko and then oh great and then bang yeah so sturgeon doesn't do it for you even though i'm not fishing for you're you're you're you're a love of the scottish woman so it really must be but she just looks too much like um jimmy cranky yeah i imagine scottish porn is alex salmon having sex with nicholas sturgeon that sort of what role-playing that sort of what what average scottish porn looks like yeah we're talking about the rape of beric yeah um which uh At this time, it's called the Alexandria of the North.

22:47Right. That stuff gets thrown around a lot, though. Yeah, yeah. There's about 15 ,000 people die, supposedly, and the massacre only ends when Edward sees one of his men hacking a woman to death whilst she gives birth. Oh, come on. An early cesarean section. Could have been a cesarean. Yeah, that's what I mean, is that, you know, just because he slipped and missed him, I was born by a cesarean. Cut her head off, you know. Because I weighed 12 pounds. 12 pounds? Yeah. christ so just i think just to protect my mother i had to burst through like like the alien bust through the you know an alien where the thing comes out that's that was me being born yeah um but i've got both my children were born cesarean but i've got photos of both moments and my daughter it's like she's being held up and it looks like the kind of lion king my son when he's holding your wife up no my son looks like he's being dragged out of a bar fight and he's been glassed.

23:40He's just got, he's like this and he's got blood and guts. Yeah, genuinely, Terry Butcher. He's got blood and guts and he's just like... But I do like this where he's just like, he sees this woman giving birth to death. He's like, ah, come on. All right, all right. Enough stuff. Come on. Come on. No, that is fucked actually. That's mental. That's guys, that's fucked. And the guy's like, what? Well, yeah, we should have drawn these parameters. Yeah. Well, I'm in the moment. Yeah. Don't make me feel like shit. Don't kink shame me. Yeah. What you say was... Oh, no, but, you know, don't, like, masker shame me.

24:12Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You know, in a masker, everything's on the table, and then you can't be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's like when everyone's making offensive jokes, and then you suddenly pull back, what, mate? Koonsberg. Come on, mate. That's a bit much. What do you mean you named it all? That's crazy. So, quote, much booty was seized, and I know that's not the modern sense. And that's not Charlie in Brazil. And no, fewer than 15 ,000 of both sexes perished. some by the sword others by fire in the space of a day and a half so that's good going that's mad numbers that is bad numbers built up a huge total but I guess that you know over two days of cricket to look at Berwick yeah it's a two day ashes test isn't it but wickets are meaningless when 20 fall in a day but I guess to look at Berwick now you just you can't imagine it's probably the most sort of stultifying boring place to be well is that because all the interested people got killed maybe maybe They're still dealing with the after effects of the massacre.

25:08Yes, Charlie? What is their accent? Is it kind of like a hybrid of... It's almost like Dutch-y. Borders. No. Or border towns. Borders. No, I'm from the borders. I'm from the borders. Welcome to Bericontuit. It's very smug and snide. It's almost like Dutch, though. Is it? Yeah. It's like clipped. Oh, hey. The tourists are such ash. No, it's nothing like Dutch, is it? It's nothing like Dutch. It could be. It goes from sort of... you're right, pal. You're right, you're right, pal. You're right, pal. You're right, pal. And then it goes into Newcastle. Like, hey. Yeah. It's a sort of, it's a band of smugness in between Newcastle.

25:44Because I guess the Scottish export of them as a stereotype is like fucking groundskeeper Willie. Yes, yes. But there is a very like - Named after William Wallace, who I've just remembered we are meant to be talking about. But he's about to come into the story. Brilliant. Groundskeeper William Wallace, the Scottish Bin Laden. Yeah, nearly halfway through the episode. We're nearly halfway through the episode. um now in april night 1296 there's the battle of dunbar dunbar um where the that's not the battle of dunblane where a guy shot up a school uh that's about a thousand years later uh the dunbar scottish army uh is poorly led and badly coordinated which is a story as old as uh time scottish cavalry charged they're crushed by english forces and a bunch of scottish nobles are imprisoned in england including the crucial andy murray andy murray that's not uh that's not He survived Dunblane and Dunbar.

26:34He did. Yeah. And his mother was there on the sidelines of the battle the whole time. Yeah. Just scowling. Yeah. Judy Murray, I reckon, is in my slot. Yeah? Does she? I think she's worked her way in with pure personality. What I'd like is I'd like Judy - Do you like her spirit more than anything? I'd have a sexual fancy where I'd like Judy Murray to watch me have a sex and just scowl. But be like a tennis tiger mum. Tennis tiger mum. Come on, Finn. You can do better than that. Come on! Put your back into it! Smash! But anyway, so organised military resistance from the Scots effectively ends at Dunbar.

27:10And I guess we're now into the first war of Scottish independence proper in that England strips Scotland of its identity. And the kingdom... It's a very English thing to do. Strip it of its identity. Just strip the places of it. You can't have your identity anymore. No, mine now. um the scottish stone of destiny uh was taken to westminster where it remains until i think john major gives it back really yeah now the stone of destiny is let's have a look it's literally a stone where of destiny of they coronate their kings on or something it's an ancient oblong block i mean it you know yeah it's a yeah it's a fucking massive it's a massive stone massive stone um who gave the stone of destiny back i think it's john major that's amazing legalized sodomy gives back the stone of destiny woke nonsense john major absolute fire sale um yeah yeah yeah john major now are bagpipes around at this point charlie that's what i'd like to know when you're sort of blowing into a haggis sack yeah yeah they are wow invented in the middle east but they just didn't really take off there i guess you know there's that world cup in south africa with vuvuzayas if there was never a scottish world cup i like the idea of just all the fans um edward imposes direct english rule in 1296 uh and he makes the scottish nobles uh swear loyalty to the ragman rule which is where we get the word rigmarole from uh which is a fact but what does rigmarole mean then i don't actually i isn't it mean like it's like red tape isn't it like i was Yeah, okay, right, right.

28:44That makes sense. It means a bit of a faff, doesn't it? So call this rigmarole. We can't know. William Wallace, his name does not appear on the Ragman roll, but his father does. Because he's a lower earl, right? He's like a lower noble. Wallace. Wallace's family, right? Yeah. Let's get to Wallace now. So Wallace is, we think he's born in about 1270, but we don't know because it's the wilds of Scotland. It's like modern day Afghanistan. I don't know. He's a Taliban fighter. Yeah, he's got local knowledge. Yes. That's why he's devastating. So he's born to minor landed family in Ayrshire. Good education.

29:22Supposedly, he's massive. Right. But a lot of what we know about him - But he's like mythic. Yeah, but so - He's probably five foot six. But what we know about him comes from a guy called Blind Harry. Right, which is a bad start. Exactly. How do we know he's massive? I know Blind Harry. Yeah? Yeah, he did loads of glue and heroin. Wait, is he called Harry and he's blind? Yeah, he's Blind Harry, yeah. do you call him blind harry yeah did he make himself blind he made himself blind yeah from glue glue makes you blind i think if you just pour glue in your eye you probably do go blind right with his eyelids if you glue your eyes shut you are blind yeah yeah yeah yeah amazingly you could glue your eyes shut you can't see i guess he's sort of blind yeah i guess so but uh blind harry also known as henry the minstrel um i don't know which well this was written 172 years after yes well this is dead so it's complete bollocks yeah it's a load of shit it's a blind guy uh writing centuries after but he composed this book called the wallace or is it a book or is it a fucking epic poem whatever anyway the acts and deeds of the elastis and valiant champion sirelli and wallace um and so this kind of is like the scottish odyssey maybe right uh i think it's the best-selling book in scotland apart from the bible right but how many books are there in scotland there's two books um there's the broons and then there's the bible and then there's the wallace those are the three scottish books in it in it he's a blind harry claims that william wallace fights and kills a lion yeah but i mean that's there's a load of shit i'll say that now it's absolute shit so we get to uh in may 1297 william wallace this is his first uh appearance in in uh in the records he kills the English sheriff William Hazelrig that's not on at Lanark I suppose this is kind of like Bin Laden William Hazelrig does sound like he's asking for it I don't know why Wallace he so we don't really think we don't really know why but in this sort of book there's absolute horse shit yeah there's there's a sense that it's trying he's trying to make a Robin Hood story right and supposedly this is how they what they show in the film Braveheart yeah which is also complete bollocks not nonsense um he has a wife called marion braid food um marion braid food sounds gorgeous yeah braid food um uh but well in the in braveheart the film she's called murran which is which is which is a yeah but she's gorgeous in the film yeah and i and part of that took me out the narrative because i was like there's no way anyone was that attractive until at least 1960 yes like she's in medieval scotland she's just eating porridge charlie google google image what happens to you if you just eat porridge have you have you seen the shape you get if you just eat porridge adam has showed me this once ages ago when i was trying to i said it was image what happens to your body yeah look you well you basically it's pure it's pure bunda but what is that's just like so what we're seeing now on the screen trying to get that image up it's You have a bowl of porridge and then it's a...

32:32Yeah, but I don't know how... It's almost like a sort of cross-section of PC Plod from Noddy. It's like... They start... They look normal and then as you descend, the bunda just envelops. I quite like that. That's what you're into, is it? That's a nice build. Thick. Thick set. Thick and oaty. If you just eat porridge, it basically goes all on the waist, the thighs and the belly. Yeah, so it doesn't give you a nice hourglass shape. No. Very much. Yeah. It's an hourglass that's been turned over. It's when you've got to leave the sauna. Yeah. That's what it looks like. Anyway, so supposedly the English sheriff wants to marry Marion Braidfoot.

33:08And following a skirmish, Marion helps Wallace to escape. But Hazelrig kills Marion. But we don't know if this happened. This could all be bollocks. But then, so Wallace then kills Hazelrig and goes on a rampage against the English. Right. Which... Laying IUDs in the street. It's a story as old as time. He uses the terrain to devastating effect. I suppose this is Bin Laden in the Mujahideen. Yeah, and then he hides in the highlands. The Mujahideen. Gorgeous whiskey from Toro Borro. I guess you could take all Afghani and Iraqi Fallujah. Yeah, Fallujah. Fallujah. Oh, that's a lot of Fallujah. It does sound like Scottish.

33:55Get Scottish slang up, Charlie, because it is pretty good. Fallujah sounds like Scottish slang. Because there's like books written only in Scottish like... Yeah. They've got words like drich. Do you know what drich means? Miserable. Yeah. Like weather's drich. Gourna, no daida. Crab it. Crab it. Gleek it. Druk it. Gobbed. Is maybe the most... My phone's gobbed. Is it like one of the most... One of the accents you want to impersonate the most for some reason? Yeah. Scottish. I feel it's just like people always love going to it it's one of the most satisfying to do I feel very percussive language get to fuck clarty clarty clarty that means dirty is that where blood clart comes from mate as soon as it could fucking blood clart clart oh no I've got to change me clart clart Well, isn't Jamaican a mix of Irish?

34:57Yeah, it is. It's like Irish. Yeah. So there's probably some Gaelic-y stuff in there. Yeah. Etymology of clart, please, Charlie. Etymology of clart. Charlie, please. Etymology of clart, please. The word clart has an unknown origin, but appears in Scottish and Northern English dialect, meaning sticky mud. Sticky mud, filth, or something messy. You can also refer to a dirty person. Jamaican, Jamaican. Yeah. Pussy clart. That is Scottish. Look at that. So it's a dirty sanitary rag. I guess you know that the UK has done some naughty stuff when someone from Africa is in the Caribbean with Scottish slang.

35:33Yes. Something's gone terribly wrong. We're sort of caught red-handed in that regard. Undeniably, shouldn't have been going somewhere. You know, if someone, if God was looking at the world in 1200s and came back 500 years later, it's like, what have you got there? What have you got there? Why are you saying that? Nothing. They should be paying us reparations. Yeah. Yeah, it's like an Irish guy in Japan or saying Konnichiwa. It's like, how have you learned that? So Andrew Murray, now supposedly when we come to the great battle that Wallace is famous for, supposedly it's all Murray. Supposedly Murray's actually the guy.

36:10So he comes from a noble family and he fights alongside his father at the Battle of Dunbar, as we said, where he gets captured. And once he's released from English prisons, he tries to recapture Scottish Castle. so he's a kind of freedom fighter as well anyway so following the action at lanark where uh wallace goes crazy beast mode kills a bunch of english people um there's a raid on scone which is quite triggering for me i used to do several raids on scones um mince pies cakes they were my sort of kryptonite um now it's just sort of like the beric on tweed massacre yeah yeah that was me uh age eight It was only when you were eating before the scones were made that you were getting in the tub there.

36:54Devastated tea room, Berwick on Tweed. King Edward said, that's enough. Yes, that's right. Yes, sorry. I was eating them straight from the oven, hot. And Dad went, right, you've got to get out of this tea room. It's too far. This is too far. So Wallace carries out the raid of scone. And is this when they meet Murray, do we think? Andy Murray. We don't know. We don't know. and I can't say that I care either. Don't care. Wallace forces the Justice of Scotland, who had been appointed by the English, to flee and takes control of the city of Scone. Right. Where is Scone, Charlie? Can you find out where in Scotland Scone is?

37:32I assume that's where the Scone is from. You'd have to think so. You'd have to think so. They'd be livid if it wasn't. Where's Scone, Charlie? It is a town in Perth. Perthshire, yeah. Did Scone invent the Scone? No. No, my God. Look at that. Scon did not invent the scone. Why is a scone called a scone? But it's such an English thing, isn't it? Yeah. Such an English stereotype. From either the Dutch sconebrot. Wow. Wait, wait, hold up. So scones actually could come from the Scottish Gaelic for scone, which is a shapeless mass. Large mouthful. And you know it's not a world-class cuisine where you're calling it a shapeless mass.

38:15Yeah. Or a large mouthful. Which is also what a woman who just eats porridge looks like. A shapeless mass. A large mouthful. A large mouthful. Anyway, they raid Scone in June 1297, which is one of several rebellions taking place across Scotland. They take control of the city of Scone. Wallace and Andrew Murray are operating independently, but by using similar guerrilla methods, they link up in late summer 1297. And this sort of disorganized rebellion starts to become a revolution. And so it forces the English to act. So Wallace and Andrew Murray team up. And much like Andy Murray and Judy Murray and Douglas Murray, they will cause havoc.

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