263. Save Money Without Feeling Deprived (Money Coaching with Tori)

0:00If you want financial coaching directly from a multimillionaire who's helped 5 million women be better with money, then you're going to listen to this episode.

0:11Tori Dunlap:Hi, I'm Tori. I'm a New York Times bestselling author. I'm a money expert. And today I'm answering your questions. We are talking about scarcity mindset. We are talking about the fear of touching your savings. We are talking about how to save for retirement slash pay bills, but also the FOMO of missing out on life now. So if you've ever had questions for me, we're going to do some live coaching here in this episode. And feel free to drop any questions you have based on these questions, based on anything going on in your financial life. You can do that on YouTube if you're watching right now. Or you can go to speakpipe.com slash financialfeminist and submit your voicemails there.

0:45Tori Dunlap:But first, we got to start with a win because I don't know about you. I need to hear that good things are happening. Okay, so let's listen to this win from Madison. in.

0:56But first, a word from our sponsors. We do quarterly leadership retreats at Her First 100K where we lock in for full days of strategy. And listen, if you've ever been in an eight-hour meeting about the future of your business, you already know you're not remembering everything. You think you are? You're not. And the frustrating part is the best, most important decisions, they happen in those rooms. I used to walk out feeling good and then two days later be like, wait, what did we actually decide? So I stopped relying on my brain alone. Now I use the Plod NotePin S. It clips on and with one press captures everything, of course, with everyone's consent.

1:33And afterward, I don't have to piece things together. I get a clean breakdown of what actually mattered, what we decided, and what happens next. And if I need to find something later, I don't have to scroll through anything. I just ask a question and it pulls the exact answer in seconds. Or I can send the full summary to my team so we're all working from the same page. No more 10 p.m. Slack messages. Like, wait, are we aligned on this? Because now we actually are. And honestly, it's the difference between sitting in a conversation and actually being present in it. It's got 98 % transcription accuracy and works in person, over the phone, and on Zoom.

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3:07Hi, Tori and team. I've been consuming and enjoying your content for about a year and a half now. I'm a 20-year-old college student who recently took to heart your millionaire mindset advice and took a risk. My risk was to start a small photography business and make a public Instagram account for it. It's so scary putting something you were trying to do out there for everyone to see and form opinions on. I started my Instagram account about two days ago now, and I honestly have gotten nothing but joy from it so far. I'm gaining followers of friends and family, and my high school senior photographer actually reached out and said he was excited to see my photography journey grow, which was so full circle for me.

3:44Thank you so much for the advice. And I'm excited to start my new side hustle and listen to more episodes of Millionaire Mindset. Oh my gosh.

3:51Tori Dunlap:Okay. I love this. First of all, Millionaire Mindset is our series that we launched last year. And by series, I mean one episode because we haven't got a chance to do more episodes yet. But if you're excited to hear more episodes, especially in the new year, let us know. That was like our test pilot episode to see how you all would like it. And it sounds like not only are you loving it, but you're literally using it to make changes. So this makes me really happy. Okay, here's the deal. When it comes to taking risks, I talk about in this episode, and we'll drop it down below, I think it truly is one of the most valuable episodes we've ever done.

4:21Tori Dunlap:Because we as women are conditioned to play it safe. And I know you know that. I know you know that psychologically, that you have to get out there and put yourself out there to get what you want. But I don't think any of us realize just how systemic that belief is. Even when I started her first 100K and her first 100K started to gain prominence, my parents were very, very concerned about the attention I was going to get. And not in a way that's like, okay, she's an only child theater kid, give her less attention. But is she going to be a target? Is she going to be someone who other people don't want to not only like, but who other people want to commit violent acts towards.

5:07Tori Dunlap:This is something that my parents were very, very concerned about and continue to be concerned about. And it is a very good example of the kind of risks that are very real that, unfortunately, if we want to do certain things, we have to put ourselves out there. And with Madison's case, the risk is a little bit smaller, but the risk feels very life or death. It's like, oh my gosh, are people going to talk about me behind my back? Are people going to make fun of this business that I'm launching? If this business starts to make money, are people going to be like, who does she think she is, right?

5:37Tori Dunlap:It's just so ingrained in us to worry about what everybody thinks, but also because sometimes these risks feel very acute if you're a woman compared to a man who gets to take risks all the time with no threat to his safety or career or life. But we have to take risks as women, even in a society that's unfair, even in a system that sometimes does not support that risk-taking, we have to get comfortable taking risks. And one of the actionable things we talk about in that episode is just taking one risk, like very small that week and just seeing how that feels. And so I love that Madison said, you know what, enough's enough.

6:14Tori Dunlap:I'm going to actually start this side hustle that I've been meaning to start, which is by the way, the same thing I did with her first 100K. I've been talking about starting a blog forever and was just like, okay, I'm done talking about it and I'm going to do it. And it's already actually making her life better. And that's the other thing about risks is we always go to worst case scenario, we go to what's the worst thing that can happen. And we very rarely think what's the best thing that can happen. And it sounds like Madison's having a kick-ass time doing her side hustle. And I love that for her.

6:44Tori Dunlap:And I also want that for you. So again, you can listen to that first episode of Millionaire Mindset all about taking risks, getting comfortable doing that, working through your mindset around risk-taking, and we will drop it down below. Okay, let's take our first question. This is all about being afraid to touch savings because of the volatile market it right now. Hi, Tori. I was recently laid off, and while I'm grateful to have saved some money beforehand, I've been hesitant to touch it because of the volatile job market. I've always hustled on the side, but lately I've felt stuck with unemployment as my only income.

7:19I'd love any advice you have for women in my situation, whether it's getting back into the workforce, exploring entrepreneurial opportunities, or making thoughtful money moves during uncertain times. Even small steps to regain a sense of control feel huge right now. Thank you so much for any insight you can share.

7:39Tori Dunlap:First of all, speaking of side hustles, I want you to read audiobooks. Like I want our previous person to read audiobooks. Your voice is so soothing. Okay, I'm really sorry you got laid off. I am unfortunately getting a lot of these types of messages. We are recording this in the midst of a government shutdown that hope to God is not still going on when this episode comes out. But there's just a lot of unknown right now. There is a lot of unknown. And when it starts impacting you, it's just, it just sucks. And so I'm sorry. I first want to remind you that you saved an emergency fund for a reason.

8:15Tori Dunlap:And to applaud you for saving for a rainy day, that rainy day has now come. I know so many people who save their emergency funds, but then feel bad when the emergency happens. They're like, I did all this work to save this amount of money. and now I'm gonna have to touch it. I'm gonna have to be back at zero. And I'm like, no, you're not back at zero. You're actually preventing yourself from more stress and more debt or taking on costly debt to pay for your expenses. So I want you to view this as a win that you did the necessary things to protect yourself should something happen. And if you need to use those savings, there is nothing wrong with that.

8:57Tori Dunlap:And when COVID started in 2020, I think a lot of us started to realize that the way we were working did not work for us. And what I mean by that, I quit my job literally like four or five months before the pandemic happened. because all of the things that happened amidst the pandemic, I was already experiencing in terms of being in an office, in terms of showing up every day to my corporate job, being in an environment that didn't really respect me, right? And I think 2020 asked a lot of women and especially a lot of caregivers. And we started to question, like, is this working for us? is going into a job that we don't really like, that we don't get to choose our hours, and we don't get to have a lot of flexibility with, and we have a limited amount of vacation, and I don't really like my boss, and I don't really feel motivated by the work, and it's not really mission-driven.

9:58Tori Dunlap:Is that working for me? And I think a lot of women realize, no, it's not. And I think we're having a similar thing now with Trump being re-elected, where we're all like, man, is this what I want to be doing? Like, is corporate and is a traditional nine to five even something that is working for my life? So I don't want to say everything happens for a reason because that's sometimes not helpful. But this is a moment in time for you to ask yourself, okay, I am being forced to restart or I'm being forced to pivot. What do I actually want that pivot to look like? Because when shitty things happen to us, they're always going to teach us something.

10:46Tori Dunlap:They're going to be shitty and also they're there to teach us something. They're there to ask us what's really important. What do we really want out of our lives. And this might be the perfect time to ask, yeah, is it time for me to potentially start freelancing? Is it time for me to invest in that business I've always thought about? Or at the very least, is it time for me to find a job that aligns with my goals, that aligns with what I want to do? And maybe that was your job you had. And that's really shitty. If you liked your job and then still got laid off, that just feels awful. That's like getting broken up with by the boyfriend, your best boyfriend of all time.

11:29Tori Dunlap:But it's always a good time when life forces you to reset to ask yourself, what do I actually want? So that's my advice to you. Sit down, journal, make a safe space for yourself and go, what about my job did I really like? What about my job did I not like? What do I want my life to look like now? And what goals do I want to pursue? We also have a great episode upcoming with Claire Wasserman from Ladies Get Paid. And one of the things she talks about when kind of resetting your career, whether that is a career pivot, whether that's a layoff, whether that's something else, is making sure that you have a project that has nothing to do with work.

12:11Tori Dunlap:Because you need to keep your brain active. You need to keep doing things because momentum feeds momentum. But the process of looking for a job is very draining. So find a personal project. Both so that you can talk about something in interviews other than work that makes you look like a more well-rounded person, but also because like, I need you to have something that isn't just, oh, I'm sitting and applying for jobs and going to networking events. So maybe that is, you know what, I'm going to take a pottery. Or maybe that is, I am going to learn how to play the piano. Or maybe simply it's, I'm going to work on a puzzle today.

12:48Tori Dunlap:But I need you to have some sort of personal project that you really feel motivated by, that you feel inspired by, to keep you going. And maybe that personal project is a business. Maybe that personal project is something that could lead to a job opportunity. But do it because you want to do it. Okay, let's take our next question. This is all about the scarcity mindset. We just did an entire episode about financial scarcity, about how to overcome that. So before we even listen to this one, if you're feeling that way, if you're in scarcity mode, if you are either living paycheck to paycheck, or you're so scared to look at your money and you're burying your head in the sand, you're doing the ostrich effect, we will see you over on that episode.

13:26Tori Dunlap:That is episode 259. And I would really recommend taking a listen.

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15:25Hi, Tori. I love your podcast and how it destigmatizes the pursuit and prioritization of money and how that's not a bad thing. I would, however, love your thoughts and opinions on balancing the pursuit and prioritization with the scarcity mindset that I find myself pulling into now more than ever. I want to know when I should be able to prioritize my own pursuit of saving more and spending on things that I want, and when I should decide that I do have enough and I am able to share financially with others, and how much. Is there a more structured way that I can change my scarcity mindset into thinking more plentiful and enough.

16:07So I think what I would need is some kind of guideline if possible for how to determine how much I feel like I can freely give to others and not feel bad about because it's not costing or harming my own financial goals and desires. I would love your opinions. I would love some input here. Thanks so much. Have a good day. This is why I love women.

16:29Tori Dunlap:She's calling and asking, how can I be generous while also making sure I'm taking care of myself? And like, before I answer your lovely question, Erica, I just want to remind everybody, this is why I want women to have money. Because nothing bad happens when women have more money. Like nothing bad happens. We are more generous. We focus on taking care of ourselves and taking care of our communities and our families. And we want to change the world. And I just love that this question is like, I am trying to figure out the best way to take care of myself, which is so smart. I think you've been to therapy.

17:04Tori Dunlap:And also, how do I take care of other people? And I just am very, very comforted by this question. And I hope you all are too. Okay. My first thing was honestly, I can kind of tell by the way you're talking. I think you've done significant work on yourself. And I love that. This is a great question or a great conundrum to talk about with your therapist. Because one, I'm not going to be able to solve your financial trauma. in like five minutes. But two, because this is a really common thing with people in scarcity mode is that switch that you want from scarcity to abundance really starts with unpacking your financial trauma.

17:37Tori Dunlap:And I wish it didn't. I wish I could give you a fun little hacky answer like, oh, just click coupons. But unfortunately, that's bad advice and I'm not going to do that. So you have to kind of do some emotional upheaval and some emotional digging. If you have not done the money memory exercise that we talk about in my book that we've talked about on this show before, I would definitely start there. That might be the fun unlock for you to start talking about and feeling some other things. And I would start there definitely to figure out, hey, what's going on with any trauma that I have? The second thing you have to understand is that scarcity mindset is a liar.

18:14Tori Dunlap:Okay? Fear is a liar. It's actually something my therapist tells me a lot, which is fear is a liar. Fear is there to give you, like we were just talking about before, what is the worst case scenario at all times, right? And fear is baked into us for a very specific reason. But like back when it was like, nobody lived past 30, and we're all just trying to survive in our little loincloths, fear played a very important role. Fear was there to say, hey, that bush is poisonous, remember? Don't eat things from it, or you could die. Or hey, the dark is scary because you can't see, but other things can, and this bear-cheetah-mongoose hybrid could eat you.

19:02Tori Dunlap:I don't know why a mongoose would eat you, but fear was there to keep you safe. But now we have indoor plumbing and air conditioning and podcast studios in our houses. Okay. And fear plays the same role, but very few people have bears outside their homes. Right. So your brain and body has the same response, which is, oh my gosh, am I going to die because I don't have enough money? Am I going to get laid off? Right. Am I, is something going to happen to me? when in actuality, there is not as much need for that fear anymore. So one of my favorite metaphors that I have heard, and I believe it's from Elizabeth Gilbert, and she talks about at the beginning of every creative project, it is Liz Gilbert because she mentions it in Big Magic.

19:54Tori Dunlap:At the beginning of every creative project or the beginning when she's trying to do something new, she literally pulls out a chair from her dining room table. Like, it's going to sound weird. It's going to sound woo-woo. I want you to actually do it, okay? She pulls out a chair and she turns it around and she sets fear into the chair. Like fear is a person, right? And this is where Inside Out comes in handy, right? Like picture fear, picture one of the emotions from Inside Out and put them in the chair, okay? And what she does is she talks to fear and she doesn't berate fear. She doesn't yell at fear.

20:29Tori Dunlap:She doesn't make fear bad about itself. She just says, hey, we're going to go on a road trip, you and I, okay? Because I know I can't get rid of you. I know I can't kick you out of the house. I know that if I try to kick you out, you'll just come back. So what she says is, hey, we're going to go on this road trip together, all right? And you have a seat in the car. Because again, I can't leave you behind. You're going to come either way. But in exchange for me giving you a seat, you don't get to choose where we go. You don't get to pick the snacks for the road trip. You don't get to decide when we stop and get gas slash go pee.

21:07Tori Dunlap:You don't get to control the radio. And you definitely don't get to drive the car. But you get a seat. And I know your job is to just sit in the back of the seat and scream about how we're going to die and everybody hates us and the shoe is going to drop at any time. And you do your job really well. But I've got this. I've got this. I am going to drive the car. And I know it sounds cheesy, but that metaphor has helped me so much of just the actual physical manifestation of seeing fear as it is, which is maybe a little girl or a shivering puppy, but something that is deeply scared. And its only job, and it does it very well is, again, to scream bloody murder about how everything's bad.

21:57Tori Dunlap:And rather than kick the puppy, rather than bully the little girl, you can just say, you know what? You're going to come along with me, but you're not going to control my life. And so that is one of the things when we're talking about getting out of financial scarcity, where there's always going to be a voice in your head that says, oh, the other shoe could drop, right? Again, maybe you don't have enough money. Maybe you're not going to be able to do this. What if you're too generous and give away all your money? So just acknowledge that. Okay. In terms of very, very practical advice, one of the things I think about is if generosity was another bill line in your budget, right?

22:38Tori Dunlap:You have your line for your rent and you have your line for your children's daycare and you have the line for groceries and insurance and your gym membership, right? If you were to put in another line for being generous, whether that is mutual aid, whether that is charities, whether that's Kickstarters, whether that's just sending a Venmo to a friend who needs it, right? What number can you incorporate into your budget that doesn't feel like you're going to bankrupt yourself, right? That doesn't feel like it's going to be a bill you can't pay. And so when you think about adding it in as a line item to your budget, you are acknowledging, hey, this is important to me.