286. Getting Rich Made Me a Bad Woman

0:00Tiffany Aliche:Society has a rulebook for what makes a good woman. And you guessed it, how we should talk about, make, and spend money is most of it. But before we get there, we need to ask an even more uncomfortable question. Why are women afraid of building wealth in the first place? If you're new here, my name is Tori. I'm a multimillionaire money expert, and I've helped over 5 million women be better with money. And I am the poster child for the unabashed pursuit of wealth. But it hasn't made me the most popular. Today, we're talking about why women are afraid of money, why pursuing wealth actually made me a bad woman, and how we can say fuck it anyway.

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2:10Tiffany Aliche:So before we get into any of that, we have to talk about the before. Why so many women never get rich to begin with. As we talked about many times on this show, pursuit of wealth and really becoming wealthy is not about hoarding money. It's not about accumulating wealth to the point of exploiting people or gatekeeping others or just having a pile of cash because it's nice to have a pile of cash. Wealth means options. Wealth means choices. When you have money, you have the ability to say no to things you want to say no to and yes to things you want to say yes to. And you are never forced to be in a situation that feels unsafe again because you can always afford to get out of it.

2:51Tiffany Aliche:When we talk about the pursuit of wealth and we talk about how we think about a financial education, many other financial experts are going to tell you that the reason you're not rich is because you're not working hard enough. And we've disputed many, many times on this show that you can be working really, really, really hard and also still not be financially solvent, financially ahead. And that is because of the system that exists. Because of systemic oppression, there are many, many reasons why you might be pursuing wealth and might be doing all the right things but still have a harder time.

3:22Tiffany Aliche:All of that being said, when we look at why women are afraid of pursuing money, the concept of FOG comes up a lot. FOG is an acronym in this case. Fear, obligation, and guilt. This concept of fog is the number one thing I see women struggle with in their pursuit of wealth because it blocks women's healthy relationship with money and it slows that ability to build wealth. Let's talk about F and fog first. That fear is so common with women because research shows that women are likely to fear the destructive impact of money on our relationships and our personal values. But also, we're so afraid of doing the wrong thing.

4:03Tiffany Aliche:We're so afraid of making a financial mistake that could wipe us out tomorrow or that fear that maybe people won't like us anymore. Right. And that comes down to we think rich equals being a bad person. We've all met bad rich people. We see them every day on the news. Right. There are plenty of terrible people who happen to have a lot of money. Or really what we infer from that is that the money is the thing that made them bad. That rich equals bad person equation is a narrative that women have been fed time and time again. Let's talk about the O, obligation. There's an obligation that we feel to everybody else before ourselves.

4:45Tiffany Aliche:And as I've discussed many times on the show, but also in the first chapter of my book, Financial Feminist, research shows us that we teach girls, even at the young age of two, three, before to constantly be putting others above themselves. That's what we deem valuable in women. We are meant to believe that everybody else's needs are more important than our own and that our value to society is the way in which we nurture, right? Think about the toys women, girls, are stereotypically given. Dolls, easy bake ovens, right? We are told that our value to society is in how we nurture and take care of others.

5:22Tiffany Aliche:So no wonder that obligation creeps up when faced with the very real decision of, do I help out my family? Do I help out the world that feels like it's turning to shit all the time? Or do I take care of me? Those things seem at odds with each other. It's either one or the other, right? It's this double bind narrative that we believe. Finally, let's talk about guilt. This is the number one emotion. Yes, the fear, the obligation, the shame, all of that's there, but the guilt, right? Again, guilty if you're doing better than somebody else. Guilty if you're not doing well enough. The guilt is huge.

5:57Tiffany Aliche:We see this guilt all of the time with women. The guilt that you are doing better than your friends and the people in your life. Guilt that you're doing better than your community or even maybe better than your parents did. Or the guilt that you're not doing well enough. The guilt that you spent money. The guilt that you made a mistake. The guilt that you went out to eat when you were in debt. This guilt is so, so common. And this is the thing that absolutely derails our ability to build wealth. We also have to talk about the money avoidance that happens with women, the ostrich effect. We talk about this a lot, but this feeling of burying your head in the sand, acting like your problems don't exist, this disproportionately affects women.

6:35Tiffany Aliche:And it leads to this feeling of losing confidence and opportunity because you keep putting it off. You're like, you know what? I'll handle that later. I'll figure that out later. and what it actually just does is cripples your relationship with money. It derails your progress and also separates you from your money in a way where it no longer feels personal anymore. The key reframe here is women aren't afraid of money because they're bad at it. You're not bad at money. Money is a teachable, learnable skill. Rather, women are afraid of money and of the pursuit of wealth because they are specifically taught to be.

7:15Tiffany Aliche:You're not bad with money. You just feel bad for pursuing money because society has made you feel that way. You believe that the pursuit of wealth is a bad thing. You think it'll make you a bad person. You think it's selfish. You think it's greedy. And that's not an accident. Because at the end of the day, society wants you to be a good woman. They want you to be a controllable woman. A good woman is everything society has handed us, right? It is the good woman checklist that gets delivered even at a toddler age for girls and women. This good woman checklist is you not ruffling any feathers, you not asking for more than you deserve.

7:58Tiffany Aliche:I'm putting that in quotes. You being a good girl, staying in your lane, not asking for too much, not taking up space. This is the good woman checklist. And ultimately, female financial dependence is by design. A good woman doesn't start a business. A good woman doesn't ask for a raise. A good woman doesn't invest. She makes a meager amount of money that she budgets very closely, and she relies on a man for the rest. Whether that's a husband, a father, someone else, a boss, that is now where you put your financial standing. A woman who doesn't need a man economically, she's a structural threat, right?

8:43Tiffany Aliche:Think about women who live unabashedly. Society hates them. Society hates me, right? An uncontrollable woman is the patriarchy's worst nightmare, right? And I love being the patriarchy's worst nightmare, but it's not a fun time. Like, yes, I'm fulfilling my needs and my goals and doing things that feel right to me, but it makes people deeply uncomfortable because that is not the role we've been conditioned to play as women. We've been conditioned to put everybody's needs above our own, to never speak up when we feel like something is wrong or something is amiss or something feels disconnected.

9:25Tiffany Aliche:And money is like the pinnacle of this. Your pursuit of money, you wanting money, is deemed villainous by the very people who want to make sure that they maintain the money and the power. Like, this is not an accident. The very people who already have the status and who already have wealth and who already have power, the patriarchy, benefit from making you believe that money is bad and that the pursuit of wealth is bad and that asking for more money or starting a business or doing well financially is bad. That staying in a nicer hotel is bad. That having more money so you can be more generous is bad, right?

10:08Tiffany Aliche:All of these things are deemed bad. That's not an accident. The data proves this. We have the wage gap and the wealth gap and so much unpaid labor as women. These numbers actually just protect a system that exists that is profited off of women's inaction and unpaid labor forever, for literally forever. That is not an accident. And at the end of the day, the more we as women continue to uphold those structures of shame and guilt and fear and obligation and of viewing the pursuit of wealth as greedy or gauche or impolite, it only hurts us. It only hurts us. It does not actually fuck the system. It does not actually progress us in any way.

10:59Tiffany Aliche:Because the truth is, you still have to pay your rent, right? Yes, capitalism exists. And it's not a system that benefits us. Absolutely not. I don't want to win capitalism. That means I have exploited somebody. That means I'm stockpiling. But I also can't lose capitalism either because that means deep suffering to myself and my community and my family. So while we work to change the system, we have to learn how to survive it and maybe just even lowercase t thrive in it. I'm not talking Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk level of thriving. I'm talking enough money where you can feel a sense of ease, joy, and generosity in your life.

11:44Tiffany Aliche:Because the truth is, you can't fight against a system if you're broke. You cannot protest against a system and against a regime and against people in power who are not great when you are so deeply tired. I just want to be really practical about this because I get so many messages about, Tori, how do we not uphold capitalism while also pursuing wealth? And at the end of the day, if I look at somebody who is living paycheck to paycheck, there is data that proves that being poor and living in poverty is rewiring their brain and not in a good way. It is rewiring their brain to the point that they are living so much in scarcity.

12:37Tiffany Aliche:They have very little time for themselves. They have very little to offer or give to themselves, to the community, to the cause, because they are just trying to survive, right? It's Maslow's hierarchy of needs. If you are just wondering how you're going to put food on the table, you can't grow and build community. You can't think about making a positive impact beyond yourself and your family because you're so focused on this one thing. And it doesn't make that person bad. Of course not. That's the system that exists that keeps that person broke. But if I, in this community at Her First 100K, can help people start to have more freedom and flexibility in their lives where they're not worried about making rent, when they don't feel absolutely overwhelmed by their student loans, when they're not living that life of every single penny matters, imagine how that feels.

13:34Tiffany Aliche:It feels liberating. Like, I know this feeling because I've experienced it, but also because I've talked with the millions of women we've helped go from absolute scarcity to now a version of abundance that the patriarchy hates. There's a reason the system does not want you to have financial independence. And it's because when you're able to get out of scarcity mode, you start paying better attention. You start seeing what's going on around you. And you start realizing, actually, this isn't working. My rights are getting taken away. Minimum wage hasn't increased at the federal level in a very long time.

14:12Tiffany Aliche:This is a fascist regime. You start realizing that when you have enough money to pull yourself out of scarcity. But you will be deeply unpopular at the societal level for it. Because the patriarchy wants to keep you controllable.

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17:04Tiffany Aliche:I want to speak to you as someone who built a lot of wealth in a short amount of time. Because I think even if I'm telling you this, that pursuit of money doesn't make you a bad person, that you can pursue money because it means options, There is still something hardwired in your brain that is telling you that, oh, if I gain money, I will be a bad person. It will lead me to making poor decisions, selfish decisions, greedy decisions, that I will no longer be community oriented. I will no longer be the person that I'm proud of. The quote that I absolutely love that will ground this section is that having money doesn't change you.

17:49Tiffany Aliche:It just shows you who you truly are. I completely believe that. We know plenty of rich people who are pieces of shit. Absolutely. I also know plenty of people who are just scraping by who are not great people either. And just in the same way that we talk about in personal finance, if you can manage$30 ,000, you can manage$3 million or$30 million. It's the same way here. Yes, I have a lot of flaws. Yes, I have a lot of things I'm working on. However, I am really proud of my generosity. And I was proud of my generosity when I made 55k a year. And I am proud of my generosity making millions of dollars as a business owner.

18:31Tiffany Aliche:And if anything, I'm able to be even more generous. It's so thrilling to be able to say, this thing is happening in the world, whether that is women's rights or animal rights or war and genocide or climate change. There are so many things that need our attention and that I don't have to just go, well, that's awful and that sucks. What can I do about it? I can actually make an impact. And truly, I've seen it in, again, millions of women when they gain money, it's not an overnight change of like they went to bed, a good person, and now they wake up with money and they're a terrible human being. They're actually just able to be as generous as they want to be.

19:24And for me in my own life, I never have to worry about

19:28Tiffany Aliche:going out to eat and tipping somebody what they're worth and maybe even making their day and leaving a$100 tip on a$30 meal. I get to tip generously. I get to donate to causes I believe in. I get to take my very hardworking parents who didn't grow up with a lot on trips that they never dreamed they would ever be able to take. And that's all the fun stuff of I get to donate and show up in cool places and like afford nicer things. But also the practicality of this means that if someone is disrespecting me or if I feel unsafe, whether that's in a relationship or in a job or with a client or in a housing situation that feels unsafe, even just me going on a trip and booking the wrong hotel, I never have to worry about just toughing that out.

20:22Tiffany Aliche:I never have to worry about my safety again. That's what we're talking about when we're building wealth. And wealth works less like a transformer and more like an amplifier, right? This is the wealth doesn't change you, it just shows you who you truly are. It's like turning up the volume on whoever you already were. The generous person can now give at a scale that changes lives. And the anxious person can now design a life without triggering their coping mechanisms, right? Without going back into that scarcity mode. And the true honest admission from somebody who is a multimillionaire is that getting rich also doesn't automatically make you good, right?

21:03Tiffany Aliche:There are plenty of people who start building wealth, who use it for really bad things. And especially at scale, you can see that some of the richest people on this planet are the least generous. But they were always that way. They were always that way. And staying broke doesn't make you virtuous either. Taking one for the team, being a martyr, saying, you know what, this system doesn't work, so I'm not going to participate. Guess who that hurts? It's not the patriarchy. It's not the billionaires. It's you. The only person that benefits from you completely opting out of the system is the people already in power.

21:50Tiffany Aliche:It's not you. You're not the person that benefits from that. The question really is, who are you when the friction is gone? Who do you become when you are able to be the most generous version of yourself? And you've been probably listening to this show for a minute, so I don't have to say this. But for anybody new, by the way, subscribe. Hello. Stick around. When I say build wealth, I want to be very clear about what that means I'm not out here trying to become a billionaire. I have no interest in that I have no interest in that When I say build wealth i'm just talking about enough money to protect yourself to Be able to protect you and your family and your community and for you to be the most generous version of yourself So that you can retire comfortably so that you don't have to worry about going into debt So that you can afford nice things every once in a while I'm not out here telling you to buy a mega yacht.

22:46Tiffany Aliche:I'm not out here telling you to fly on PJs. I'm here telling you that building wealth just means having enough money to make decisions, having enough money to give you options. And before I keep going, I need you to hear this. Everything we're talking about today, the freedom, the power, the ability to say no, none of it is possible without a good foundation. And most women never build it because nobody ever showed them how. Nobody ever showed them the formula, showed them the system. And that's not a character flaw. That's just a missing map. Okay, we have to talk about the ways that becoming rich made me a bad woman.

23:24Tiffany Aliche:Okay? All of the ways that money made me a bad woman by the patriarchy standards. The first one, I became intimidating to men. Oh, my favorite. like orgasmic. I'm like, intimidated of men. Oh no. But I don't need anything financially from a partner. I'm here in a partnership with my current partner because I, oh, it's going to sound cheesy. I love him. Like I like building a life with this person. I don't need anything from him. And for literally eons, the reason a woman got married is because she needed a man financially, right? I'm a big fan of Jane Austen. I'm a big fan of Bridgerton. All of these women are out here being like, I have to get married because he has 20 ,000 pounds a year.

24:16Tiffany Aliche:That's why for so many years, women had to get married. It wasn't about love. It was about finances. It was about being taken care of. And you think, okay, Jane Austen was like late 1700s, early 1800s. That's been a while. A woman can get her credit card in her own name till 1974. 1974. Wasn't that long ago. We've needed men for a really long time financially. This is the first time in history that we don't need a man to support us financially. What a gift. Now, Trump, the patriarchy, they want to change that. But at this moment, yeah, of course you're intimidating to men. the very men that, by the way, you should have no interest in.

25:05Tiffany Aliche:But for the first time, the status quo has changed. You are no longer pursuing a relationship, potentially at all, but you're no longer pursuing a relationship because you need this person's financial standing. You need this person to handle the money. I became intimidating in dating because I didn't need a man for that anymore. And in fact, to a lot of men, it was actually not just intimidating, but a little threatening. Because then they have to ask themselves, well, if I am not the breadwinner, if I'm not showing up to financially contribute, what am I contributing? Good question, men. Keep pondering that.