Bert Kreischer (IN STUDIO): Drinking Beers & Hacking Comedy

26:01I'm not gonna guess. He went, just guess. I think I know. It was Lavernius or something. I pull his name, Kevin I think, I don't think his name is Kevin. I pull his name and he comes up and he's like this. He's like, cool. Okay. And it was like$700 and I go, so what are you gonna spend the money on? He's like, I'm good man. And I was like, what are you gonna spend the money on? And I go, you seem emotional. Whew. He starts to tear up and I see it in his eye and he goes, next week is my little girl's birthday and now i get to be the father she thinks i am i start crying he goes she wanted a party i couldn't throw a party now i can throw a party and i could buy her present and i was like and everyone started opening their wallets and walking up and giving them money and he's sobbing i'm sobbing the whole room sobbing i'm like wow i I tell that, right?

26:57I tell that to the wait staff at the next place. I'm in Pittsburgh. Guy wins. He comes up on stage and he's crying. And I go, you seem emotional. He goes, my son has cancer. And I'm like, oh my God. It was this Christmas. It's going to be hard on our family. But now I can bring my family in so they can all spend his last Christmas together. And we're like, holy shit. Everyone comes up. Guy walks with like three grand. I get done the show. He comes in the green room. And he goes, and the Oscar goes to? I go, you were a box lover. What a dick. Then I stopped doing it. I was like, I can't do this.

27:28This sucks. But yeah, the black dude was the best. The black dude was the best. I almost gave him money. He walks in and he goes, I'm Godsmacked. I don't know of any standup

27:38Dana Carvey:that has done this. That's fascinating. I was like - Anybody. It was any opportunity to do anything to do it. It just helps the show. It was like, I don't know, you always try to tip the waitstaff big. Sure, sure, sure. And so like, I don't know. I also, I think once, and this was, I think I always had insecurity about my stand-up because I didn't know why people were coming to see me. I know I'm a good storyteller, and I know I'm a good comic. I was always fun on stage, but I never got nominated for a Golden Globe or an Emmy or any of that shit for my stand-up. And I always thought my specials were good.

28:13They track well. They do well on Netflix. I mean, they get big numbers. But even when I say that, I kind of cheat-coded the system. Like, I heard two people saying that people only watched 30 minutes of their special. And then Netflix said, they only watched the first 30 minutes. That's why we're doing 30 minutes. If that, at the most. So on Secret Time, I took my closer and I put it at 22 minutes. I was like, I'm not going to put my best joke at the end when no one hears it. When you're not watching. Yeah, when you're not watching. So true. So true. And then I took everything and I front loaded it.

28:46In secret time, the first 30 minutes go by so quick because I skinnied everything up, crammed it up, and then it turns out people like Robbie called and he was like, your retention rate was like 97%. 97 % of the people that watched your special watched the whole fucking thing. And I was like, oh, yeah. Because they're locked in. Yeah, because I cheat coded it. I put my clothes are at 22, and he was like, what?

29:10Dana Carvey:Yeah. Because when I went into the inner sanctum with Netflix, they gave me that metric. I go, I would have done the whole thing different. Because it's like you're doing a set, and if you're not holding them, the audience is slowly starting to leave. Say you're in a big room. They're leaving, and you've got to get to this certain time where they're still there. So you would reorientate. I don't know. I'm going to call that clever, smart. I don't know. What do you call that mindset that you have to go curiosity about how to hack things or how to win, basically, right? I think I've gotten compliments from business people on the way I've done my career.

29:49But you always want to be Sandler, who doesn't look like he tries. Doesn't look like he tries, never stops working. Yeah. You want to be beloved by everyone. Everything he does is the best thing anyone's ever fucking seen. You want to be like Attell or Chappelle. They're just geniuses. For me, I was like, I think I got to do a little extra to get to Genius. I'll give you a perfect example. I put my first big tour on sale in theaters, and they were like, fucking agents calling me. I mean, people we know. You're wrong. Not my agent, but you're wrong. You're not ready for theaters. You're going to ruin your career.

30:36And I was terrified. so I took $1 ,200 and I did a dance video and I got this professional dancer to teach me a dance and I did a dance video and then I released my tour dates on the side and I started promoting myself so you're dancing

30:53Dana Carvey:and the margin of the video and the things are coming down and what are you doing what are you wearing Speedo high tops okay high tops so it's a little bit Chris Farley vibes in a way oh yeah I did promo videos. I never thought I could just put tickets on sale. I thought I got to bring the razzle dazzle. I got a marching band. I paid a marching band like$2 ,400 to come to my backyard and play Rubber Band Man to do a promo. Great song. That's the only song they all knew. It's a toe tapper. I had no plans. I just brought them over. I was like, do you guys know a song? And they're like, what do you guys know?

31:35And then one guy goes, I know Rubber Band, man. And everyone goes, I know Rubber Band, man. I was like, cool. So I sat him around my pool. It looked like a regular promo read. And I was like, I got a big announcement. And I blow a whistle. And then the drum guy comes out behind me in my backyard. And then I reveal the band. And we start dancing. But I guess you could call it smart. I know that I've had companies come to me to use that side of my brain. but I was I mean I just you know I always felt like I was cheat coding it yeah yeah when you're

32:07Dana Carvey:playing the Santa Barbara Bowl I saw a flyer and it did it the flyer it I don't know his guest stars or whatever felt like an event and a party and more than a regular just one guy with a mic talking you know so like Nitro Circus used to be with Travis yeah like it's like oh this is an event more than just let's just go watch stand-up. It's like I tried to get you to do the Fully Loaded with me. Vasturi, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and what it was is it's, you know, it was a heavy lift for me because I have all these great comics. I mean, you look at the list of comics that have done Fully Loaded.

32:44It's the best comics in the world. Shane Gillis, Big Jay Oakerson, Stavi. I mean, it's the best comics in the world. And I did some crazy, crazy things. We were the first people to ever do stand-up at the Gorge, 35 ,000 people. I mean, it was crazy. It was crazy. And I loved the challenge. I loved the heavy lift. I loved the, you know, Jelly Roll came out and tour with us. We had Marcus King. I mean, it's just wild, wild events. And then, but I didn't realize, like, I was so ambitious and so proud of my ambition and what I could do that I didn't realize how many comics I was alienating, like, because not everyone was invited.

33:24and I one night I was we were doing the tennis arena in where they used to hold the US Open in Long Island they have it's a stage it's an outdoor venue it's beautiful and someone came up to me and they said why did you do this like can you believe you did this and I said yeah I can believe and they go what do you mean and I said well I did it because I don't think I would have ever been invited to do it like no one was gonna I never got invited to Montreal or Aspen or I never got I never got on the Oddball. I never got invited to do that. I've never done Moon Tower. I've never been invited to do anything.

34:00Ever. Ever. Like that's crazy. I've been successful for 27 years and I've never been invited to do anything. So I just had to create them to do them. And then as I said that I realized, oh my god I am doing to other comics what we've done to me.

34:19Dana Carvey:It's just the way it is. Do you still You do feel like you're the underdog in some way. It's just part of your brain. I never feel, yeah, yeah. I think that's the thing that drives me. I have a very punitive brain. Do better, Bert. Do better, Bert. Oh, yeah. Does it mean puny? Puny. Yeah, probably. Like, I'm just very rough on myself. Like, this morning I was like, this morning I got up, I party last night, smoked a cigar, watched the new Sandler, George Clooney movie, which is fucking amazing. All right, J. Kelly. It's so fucking good. it shouldn't be that good. Those two on the cover, as a viewer, you're like, the two guys phoning it in.

34:59They wanted to spend time together. They both wanted to go to Rome, spend some time with their families, bring the boys out, play a little golf. It's so fucking good. George Clooney brought his fucking A game. I'm not saying that he hasn't always, but sometimes. Great director, too.

35:16Dana Carvey:Well, you get Noah Birnbaum. Yeah, I know. And, you know, Adam and Clooney probably get the pick of the litter of all scripts. So especially each one does and then put them together. Yeah, great. But sometimes that doesn't work. When I saw the trailer, I thought, yeah, they're in the pocket. When I saw like 10 seconds. He's already up for awards. I literally, you know, you sit back and you're like, I saw the Clooney, Brad Pitt one. Oh, Wolfe's. Yeah. It was okay. It was good. It was funny. But I had them like, yo, you're Brad Pitt and George Clooney. Yeah. Come on. The bar is hot. I couldn't, with Wolf, I wasn't quite sure.

35:50Dana Carvey:They're just cool dudes and there's a crime. This one is very specific, you know, just like he's an old, you know, and Clooney playing a version of himself in a way. And then Sandler being the manager, I just saw immediately, because that's part of Sandler's personality. Different move for Sandler. How you doing, man? How you doing? You all right, Carvey? You know, it's kind of, and I don't know. I've only creeped him out. Oh, yeah. You've only creeped him out? where you came up to him or something no no no oh that thing you called me the night that next the next day you're like because i was worried about it it's like oh it was during the pandemic and i did that interview and i was like yes i called his movie beautiful gems or something yeah yeah i remember that you showed me that video yeah i was like i showed my daughter's happy madison the other day and he was like did you uh well it's like they loved it he was like oh and i happy gilmore yeah yeah i talked i called it happy madison and then i was like hey do you have netflix like i have a 250 million dollar deal now he didn't say that but that's yeah in hindsight yeah sandler is well i doubt he would hold that against i don't think i don't think so yeah he's he's going a million miles yeah anytime it's an unintentional thing it's fine like anybody you're not after him plus your comics he likes that yeah so you got rich and famous okay at a given point then that was just for sure bird is rich bird is famous how did it affect relationships with oh that's a great question i realized not everyone was rooting for his pulling for you yeah we all find that all along the way you find out that a lot of your friends they like you where you are they like you where you are yeah let's not get crazy don't go nuts that's quite enough that's quite enough how did that manifest itself just a little little sly things little little digs kind of backstage oh yeah or whatever yeah oh it was like it was crazy i uh it was yeah it was crazy i i don't know the right way to say it without bringing up old dramas but but like it's it was it was just curious friends or family i mean family everyone like My family's tough.

38:09Oh, my family all was disconnected. I don't think they had any idea what was happening. Rogan and Tom were the two people that were cheering for me. They were legit. Yeah, that would make sense. Rogan would be like, he was like, dude, you're not here by mistake. And he's like, you've earned this. It's good to hear. But yeah, I realized there were a lot of people that liked me when I was below them, and they didn't like me when I blew up. And the lesson I learned was, because, dude, like I broke ticket sales. I broke a lot of people's ticket sales. And I thought they would be like. Hey, cool. Yeah.

38:46They didn't like it. Didn't like it. I could see that one coming. Yeah. And then what's interesting. Human nature. I got a call one day from Shane Gillis. And he was like, hey, do you remember when we worked at the Celebrity Arena in Arizona? And I said, yeah. He goes, you did the record beer sales. And I said, yeah. And he goes, guess who just broke it. And at that moment, I went, oh, I need to be what I always wanted everyone to be for me. And I was like, dude, fucking, you're the man. And for Shane, he's doing Lincoln Financial. The day I heard about it, I text him. I want everyone to succeed.

39:26I don't care. I have no competition in me. I literally like my competitions within myself and what can I do it is it is my race and I no one can affect me other than me and I can be inspired by shit Shane does like tires fucking I loved tires yeah when I got greenlit for free Bert I called Shane and I was like dude I'm nervous he's like dude you're gonna kill it and I was like I may lean on you a little bit in production of like shit because I don't know and when Tommy's uh bad ideas came out bad thoughts came out. Oh yeah, Tom Segura. Fucking loved it. And I called Tommy. I go, this looks amazing.

40:01He's a great actor. So yeah, I think the pullback, the takeaway was I was bummed that not everyone loved me the way I wanted them to love me. So I just loved everyone as they succeeded. Yeah. It is hard. I mean, it's a jealous business and personal struggles. My family was always cool about it, but there's people on the outside or friends or sort of friends.

40:24Dana Carvey:Yeah, you have to forgive of the 10-year-old boy inside you. Yeah. It's a little like, ah, like Toy Story. There's a new shiny object in town. And I've always said this, that the reason there's a class clown. He was a class clown. They were a class clown. It's never plural. Because if there were two class clowns, one class clown would kill the other class clown. You know, so this is just childlike drive. And you just sort of put it in your head and go, oh, silly me, you know. But your attitude's perfect, yeah. Well, I heard you say one time, or maybe I read something you said. You said something to the effect of you had friends who were terrified of losing heat or something.

41:08In fact, it was something someone asked you, why aren't you doing more movies? And you're like, I don't need it. I forget what you said, but maybe I'll just ask you. When you stopped, you were like, I'm done. I'm going to hang out with my family. like did did you have friends that were like i don't want to lose the heat i don't want to lose

41:28Dana Carvey:oh like that my friend oh yeah that's a definite thing of worry of comedians or entertainers or anybody that i'm less hot yeah and lauren michael's quote was the minute you're hot you can feel yourself getting less hot gross but i swear to god i have a i'm from the other era of romance and in some ways it's hurt me you know i was you know bob dylan and the beatles and it's all about the work it's all about the work and we were not allowed to do any commercials when i was on snl um and even in the 90s i turned down at least 100 million in commercials just like you're not supposed to it's it's art artistic oh yeah it's not about being hot or famous or wealthy it's about doing work that destroys people it's very naive and i regret all of it my dad my dad this Thanksgiving.

42:16My dad this Thanksgiving he couldn't stop talking about Pete Davidson. He's in love with Pete Davidson. He's like, God, this guy, Burt, did you see him on Seth Meyers? He looks great, Burt, sober, sober. This is your dad? This is my dad. He's getting all his tattoos, tats removed. I was like, really? I go, do you like his stand-up? He goes, he does stand-up? I go, what are you... I love his Capital One commercials. Oh. And I was like, for real? He goes, the guy's fucking good. You know, he dated Kim Carter. My dad's a fan, a fan. If he met Pete Davidson, the same way my dad loves Bill Burr. He loves him.

42:56Yeah, for sure. Get that. And my dad, he loves Rogan. When he met Rogan, he was like, he's so jacked. My dad's like an old school 1950s celebrity guy. Like he likes, like if he's seen you on something, he can't believe you. Then he pulls you aside. But you know, Rogan's not as tall as I thought he'd be. And you're like, yeah, don't bring that up to him. It's not, it's fun when you, someone like that's a fan of everybody. It's like, that's exactly what you want someone to be like. Yeah. It's like, this is like, I didn't bring my assistant today. Cause I was like, I love you guys. Like I, this is like a treat for me.

43:34Yeah. Anytime it's comics here, it's easier and fun and not as much prep. I'll tell you a quick thing. when I was in my high school reunion. One story was a guy was, well, Julie Bowen was back in town. We were dating and she goes, do you want me to go with you? And I said, let's just, yeah, it'll be funny. So we walked in and we wore a tag. We said, oh, let's write Ben and J-Lo. So we walk in and the first guy, he goes, you think you're fucking Ben Affleck? And I go, all right. Well, this wasn't a great idea. And then the night before the party, I was with like seven guys I was pretty tight with.

44:11And we're all getting in a car to go to another bar the night before the thing. And it was probably the 10-year reunion. And one guy kind of stayed behind like this. And he's all fucked up. And he goes, I go, hey, you coming? Let's go. And he goes, all these people are like, oh, David Spade, he must have been so funny. I'm like, he wasn't funny. He's a fucking kind of an idiot. And I go, all right, I'm going to get in the car if you guys want to meet there. And he just sat there and I was like, he couldn't wait to just say, fuck you, dude. And the other guys were all cool. And, you know, and those scenarios are kind of weird because you don't want to act like you're trying to big time because I do wear nine watches and they're all Rolexes.

44:51And I go, this is just what fucking people do. One time I did, I did have a leather jacket and I went back to my own comedy club and it was$400. It was the most I've ever spent. And it looked like Fonzie. It was actually like a dice one. and I thought it was so cool and it was too big and it was too heavy and I have a bad neck and so I'm sort of hunched over and it's hurting me but I have to be cool so I walk in and I'm like what I'm saying and everyone's like nice jacket dipshit I'm like everyone's changed and I changed and it was the only time that the guy changed and I was blaming everyone and I go everyone's so weird they can't deal with a$400 jacket

45:28Dana Carvey:I was like shut the fuck up it was kind of funny I was just in high school I was just no girls as nothing we were in the track team and I knew like three people 550 my senior class 10 at the I didn't go so it's the 20th and I'm at my peak Wayne's world's out everything's crazy so I just kind of half joking they got in contact with me I go I just I want a helicopter and I want to come in on the helicopter and come off the helicopter I was kind of kidding but sort of so but I ended up not going and i found out that they hired someone to dress up as garth and then they're all in the gym and hey you know look wayne's world garth is here and he did a little dance and stuff that was for my 20th but i wasn't there oh that would be fucking i wrote a joke as you said that i was like i was doing so good last year i went to other people's high school reunions that's fun just for adoration the thing I love about our job is like just coming up with the dumbest fucking thing and I was gonna do this bit I found you know Q-tips come in that blue little thing I was gonna pull it out in the middle and just start cleaning my ears cause people do that with toothpicks all the time and then go oh do you want but I don't know why I just love the idea that there's no So my friends don't have that.

46:52My friends are married to a bunch of rules. Like I got, it's, I can't text with like my old high school friends because I don't know, there's not the freedom, you know? What do you mean? Like I don't know. It's like, I think when you're untethered to society and you can text wild shit to people, like you can't do that with everyone. Oh, I have someone told me to tone it down. Yeah. Because I say like we talked in high school and they're like, dude, fuck, I got the kids here. I'm like, are they reading your phone? Just don't read it out loud. You can handle this. You can handle it.

47:29Dana Carvey:I've been on text change or email change. They go sideways. They're going really downtown. Really like, if this gets out, I'm in trouble. Yeah, I've kind of sucked. Get off the chain. But I get it when someone says the most foul thing you're not supposed to say. The joke is that they're saying it. you know it's like dead baby jokes in the in the olden times todd glass is the best have you ever yeah my texts from todd glass are my favorite texts yeah could they would in the world i cannot tell you hey this is the third time i've texted you i swear to god if you don't reply i'm gonna come to your house inject aids into you and light your house on fire and kill your fucking children the next test my bad that was for my sister

48:13yeah he has he does leave good voicemails do you know he did last podcast

48:21first of all talk glass is the funniest man alive talk glass and mike gibbons you know mike gibbons mike gibbons made me laugh yesterday harder than anyone's made me laugh i was talking about how frank how frankenstein was a really long movie the new one the new one have you seen it okay and he goes yeah and you gotta watch the movie but he goes the first 10 minutes is great Frankenstein's coming after Victor and then Victor gets on this boat and then tells a fucking two hour story about his childhood and he's like what is Captain going talk about the fucking monster what about the monster but Todd Glass came to my house and he first and foremost he orchestrates like you're not having a podcast with him he is running a podcast Oh, yeah.

49:06He brings a lantern, an oil-filled lantern. He lights it, lowers the lights, burns the pine cones so it feels like we're camping. Lights are dark. Has my assistant hit the lights every now and then so it feels like lightning. Turns the TV into a window so we're looking. So he does the whole thing like we're camping. Yeah, he comes and stages it. And at the end, I say, if you want anything edited out, let me know. And he goes, I'm going to want things edited in. And then sent a list of things he wanted edited in. Can you edit this in? To my fucking pod. No one watched it. No one watched the podcast.

49:40No one cares. Because we didn't talk about, you know, fucking politics. Yeah. But God damn it, it was so funny. Yeah, Todd did the... Let's have him on this one. We'd go on the road together. I want to see this. And he would go... And we'd get to the green room and he goes... And one was example, as you just talked about. What's outside of Chicago, Schaumburg? Schaumburg. Great club. And he goes... He goes, do you like it? We walk in. He goes, I want you to see the green room. And I go, oh. And I go, yeah, couch, chair. He goes, David, there was a fan back there. And I go, where is it? And he goes, well, I came before the show and set this whole thing.

50:12This is me. And I go, you fixed up the green room? And he goes, there was like a rusty. It's just a bad look. And then dim the lights. They weren't on dimmers. So we got a little bit. And he did the whole thing. And I go, Todd, I swear to God I would not have noticed one thing. I'm glad you did it. This is a green room. We don't expect miracles. And then he does the same thing. he does with me he goes call my phone when he had a podcast I don't know if he still does he was one of the first he was one of the first it's the hardest I've ever laughed him and Roy Schovel reenacting the Red Fox intro with Billy Crystal you ever heard that hold on you had to have heard this that's one is that where hold on you know that so hold on I can't believe I'm telling you this story so Billy Crystal is young and he's opening for Red Fox and they're in vain I think it's a great story do you know this I think I've heard it but I want to hear it and he goes they go listen Red's gambling and he's drinking so we might be running late you're gonna need to stretch if we need you we'll let you know right so Billy Crystal does his 10 minutes looks to the side they're like stretch so he does 20 minutes and they're like stretch at 45 minutes they're still like stretch and he's like people are getting up and leaving then an hour and 15 there's maybe from the crowd of 600 there's 135 people maybe maybe maybe 75 people in there and he looks to the side at an hour and they go he's here wrap it up so he's like all right ladies and gentlemen the man of the hour the man you've been waiting to see he's you might know him from Sanford and Son ladies and gentlemen Red Fox and the band goes Sanford and Son

51:46Red Fox gets the mic he goes fuck this I ain't performing for 75 people walks off and the band goes

51:54they go fuck it we're getting paid they play the song yeah they play the old song and then they just go right into it. That's his closer. There's so many comics that are fucking hilarious that... That are funnier than all of us. That you don't know. That are not famous. Not famous.

52:14Dana Carvey:Andy Kindler, remember him? Yes. Remember when he would do State of the Union? Do you remember when he would do State of the Union in comedy at Montreal? Yeah, and what was he doing? He would basically roast the state of comedy. and you would hope to be in it you'd be hoped to be in it and he'd just destroy ah he hated Louis C.K. before allegations he hated Louis C.K. and he'd quote his act but everyone would show up to watch him roast comedy that was the one time I went to Montreal and it didn't really pay off back then it pays off now different things pay off now from different things get picked up David I just want to say this to you A good wardrobe isn't about quantity.

53:01Dana Carvey:It's about quality. And guess what? Quince nails that. Quince. They're lightweight cashmere sweaters, Mongolian cashmere polos, linen bottoms, and 100 % Pima cotton tees are the versatile pieces I actually wear year after year. Oh, yeah. Quince, you know, they cut out the middleman. You get premium fabrics without the retail markup. The cashmere is Mongolian. The cotton is a long staple. The linen is European jersey, built to last and feel amazing. Everything is rated 4.5 to 5 stars for a reason. For me, those linen shorts are game changers. People get to see my pins. I've heard all about that.

53:42I got my sticks out. No wrinkles, go with everything. Not crazy expensive. The cashmere polo looks luxe, feels great. Wearing it constantly.

53:52Dana Carvey:That's fantastic. Stop filling your closet with options that don't work. Focus on a few pieces that actually do. Right now, go to quince.com slash fly for free shipping and 365-day returns. That's a full year to build your wardrobe and love it. And you will. Now available in Canada, too, so don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to quince.com slash fly for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash fly. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard this Air France message. From now on, enjoy complimentary high-speed Wi-Fi powered by Starlink, available in all our cabins. Stay connected to the people and things that matter most.

54:35Your emails, your music, your current favorite series, or even a live sporting event. With Air France high-speed Wi-Fi, bring your world on your journey. Elegance is a journey. Air France. Available on certain flights. Progressive rollout in 2026. reserved for Flying Blue members, the free loyalty program. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile, with a message for everyone paying big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop. With Mint, you can get premium wireless for just$15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying, no judgments, but that's weird. Okay, one judgment.

55:10Anyway, give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. Upfront payment of$45 for three-month plan, equivalent to$15 per month required. Intro rate first three months only. Then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See full terms at mintmobile.com. I was watching Kathleen Madigan's special last night. It's so good. She is so talented. She's one of those people, my mom will send me clips of her. My mom's obsessed with Kathleen Madigan. And her material is, she's just, it's, it's, it's, I don't think enough young comics are working on finding their voice as opposed to getting clicks and selling tickets.

55:50Just the wording, just the phrasing, just the way people, if you see a good comic and it's so thought out that it looks effortless and you go, oh my God, just, it's like a song. You go, oh, that's exactly perfectly done. Yeah. Yeah. Like Kathleen Madigan, Jackie Cation. Jackie Cation's, her talking about her family. I love when a comic talks about their family because you don't have to be related to that family to understand the thing. Kathleen Madigan has a joke about going to Target with her mom and her saying she had a headache and her mom pulls out a pill and she goes, here, take this. And then Kathleen takes it.

56:29She goes, wait, wait, not that one. She goes, mom, what did I just take? She goes, I don't know. What did it look like? She goes, I don't know. I took it. But like that, developing your voice is the important part of comedy. It's not selling tickets. it's and it suddenly takes us as important but when you have like and that's something that that when i started was like i just want to do it long enough to find my voice you don't find your voice for like 10 years i don't think you find your voice until you're 40 yeah um i think

57:02Dana Carvey:authenticity now because social media i think that's part of what your appeal is that people they know you they feel like they really know i overshared i overshare like i way overshared do you feel like you told but isn't that party i mean it's being vulnerable like that i go like this i think we know the answer because i saw i watched the first bits on your last two specials and one was you lost weight so you could see yourself getting blown you were kind of disappointed that was your opener i was shocked it's very very first time i saw her suck my dick i went oh this is what you deal with this is crazy so i'm like this guy's being and then the other one razzle dazzle was about ass hair being all intertwined that was your opener so that's so okay with your closer yeah we talk about cheat codes yeah i get them not to turn away i mean i more people should hear this the first words out of your mouth it's a tiktok don't let them skip this is we're talking algorithms we're not talking about comedy yeah don't let them don't get me a minute to minute when i did mine i go i don't want to do the walkout get i'm giving him chance to get lost shout out to norm mcdonald you fucking go hello you walk it they go ladies and gentlemen or you just start with a cold open anything i can almost do the what did norm do well they know you're almost do my uh my opening jokes from all my specials uh secret time is uh i said guys we're just gonna get drunk and tell secrets secret time sometimes i dry my asshole on the bed secret time uh secret time sometimes i spit on the toilet paper wipe my ass crawl mississippi wet wipe secret time those are the first two right then it was uh secret time i took his shit so big the other day and that i still get shit so bad the other day i made the guy in the stall next to me throw up we were and we were in japan so i thought he was talking to me he was like so i could i but but then people go what is your overall point i want to hear this but it's i watch people do a three to five minute sketch and i go that's not why i'm here uh no offense some are very good some are very good but i'm not there for the sketch i want to see your stand up I also don't give a fuck what city you filmed it in.

59:07I don't care about. I can't tell. They don't care. You're not the biggest mistake I watched. And by the way, I watch everyone's fucking special. I mean, I watch every special because I want to see what's happening and what people are doing because I don't want to do the same type of shit. I've watched people talk about the city they're in. I love this city. This is a great city. you're not making the special for the people in the room you're making it for the people there right i said denver and mine because i said denver i'm such a fucking loser i said i did a joke and then i said denver i said it's true about the altitude does it make you pee because last night I peed so far I couldn't clear the bed it was some what did I say it was some oh I said if the altitude makes you pee because whatever it wasn't even that funny I couldn't make sense but it was just a joke but you didn't really have to know the city but a lot of people do five minutes on the city and I'm like we're not here for the crowd work of the city the crowd work yeah you can like what I've done I did this in Cleveland on Hey Big Boy.

1:00:23All these specials. Razzle Dazzle, Hey Big Boy. It was on Root & Tootin. Root & Tootin is a great one. Hold on. Hold on. I might call my next special Root & Tootin. Root & Tootin is great. Root & Tootin is fucking brilliant. Yeah. That's a great title.

1:00:40Dana Carvey:You got beer cans in your toaster. Root & Tootin. Yeah. That is fucking hysterical. Fucking hysterical. What I've done sometimes is, Because in Cleveland, for whatever reason, my opening joke, and I can't remember what it is right now, but wasn't popping the way I wanted it to. Hey, Cleveland. But I knew the joke was funny. But for some reason, it wasn't working. So I went out and I made a joke about Cleveland. I edited it out and then started with that first joke and it worked. And it's a city joke. I go, Cleveland, you got to love a city like Cleveland where the people in the city define this city.

1:01:15There's no cities like that where they make up this city and they start cheering. I go, no. I mean, there's a couple. you've got Rwanda Belfast but but yeah and then the other thing is like you know I don't know I've I've watched I've just watched enough specials like the best Dave Chappelle is my favorite I was going to ask you who you think is the current GOAT Dave Chappelle in my opinion is he does zero wrong in my opinion and I know that that's and not everyone agrees with that you know but like zero wrong when he he told the joke about hanging out with jim carrey on man on the moon you've heard that yeah and he goes he goes that's what i feel like when i talk to his character i think it's like you kind of faded out there trans people there you go that joke is brilliant his kicker in the pussy joke is my favorite joke i've ever heard is what kicker in the pussy he goes i'm so he goes i don't even need to do this I'm so dope.

1:02:17I challenge myself. I have a fishbowl. And I pull it out sometimes and I just read the punchline and then I got to write a joke about it. I pulled out this morning and said, kick her in the pussy. And then he misdirects, goes into a story about growing up around white people and what it's like to eat dinner at a white person's house and they're making hamburger helper. And they, David, I need you to set the table. He goes into the bathroom. He doesn't want to set the table. The mom opens the door and goes, David, I apologize. does but if you're not going to help then you can't eat it and he goes they were talking about hamburger helper so i kicked her in the pussy i told you and like it's my favorite i like right before i did lucky is that another one yeah it's another one right before i did lucky i was like yo well i was with chapelle in ohio and we're partying we're having a good time we're just talking shit it's just me and him and like maybe tony woods might have been there and like some other like a couple some comments touring with me and we're just bullshitting and i go hey man i i hate that i'm gonna do this to you but like i gotta talk comedy i was like you my opinion the greatest ever do it i was like give me the secret to what how you make a special and he like looks around lights a cigarette he's like all right here we go and i'm like yeah boy and i just sat there and I was like, oh my God.

1:03:39And so when I shot Lucky, I shot six shows. Oh, you did? Six? Oh, I do. I do eight if I could. Wow.

1:03:49Dana Carvey:I was going to ask you about that too because I think it is an advantage because then you're not really shooting a special in a way. You're just doing another set. But have you ever done one where you had one night only, one time only? It's not the stress of - When I did Secret Time, I did two shows. Okay. And by the way, I had sold six at the truck, but it was two shows. I'll give you all the real numbers because I think this is interesting. It's expensive to shoot a couple of times. $325 ,000 at the time to shoot Lucky. I spend way more now on a special, but it was$325 ,000,$350 ,000 to shoot Secret Time.

1:04:25Was that one night, two shows? One night, two shows. First show, the power goes out. they have to hold the audience outside a thunderstorm rolls in they're soaking wet the beer uh thing clogs up and they're miserable and we're in philadelphia and i fucking bomb with the special with a special a fine-tuned i bomb i mean to the point where at one point i was walking and i stepped on the mic cord and i pulled the mic away from my mouth like i went and the punchline's this. And I went, God damn it. Right at the punchline. And my wife is, always executive produces everything I do because she's pretty intimate with my material.

1:05:07And I told her, I said, any flubs, just write them down. I'm sitting in the green room after that first show with my producer, Tony Hernandez, who's like, hey, we got one in the can. There's a lot of good stuff. That's the first thing

1:05:18Dana Carvey:they always say. Oh, they always say, this is gravy. You're playing with house money. You got this. Leanne walks in and goes, I go, were there any flubs? She goes, honey, that was shit. she goes I don't know what to tell you better she goes you know because I've always I love pressure I love pressure I love pressure and she goes you always say you like pressure well big boy it's on you now you better not fuck up this next one and my buddy Tony is like Jesus Christ he's like you want to do a should we do a shot I don't ever really drink before I go on stage like I never I'm going to have but I don't especially I'm doing a special so I was like no and then Tony Tony is like very wise.

1:05:55He goes, maybe we should get like a cup of coffee. So I get a cup of coffee. I go out and I do the second show. And I have what I can only say is, I can quantify it as one of the five best sets of my life. And I walked away and I was like, I will never do two shows again. I will never do two shows. Too much stress. I go to the next one. I say, Tony, what does four shows cost? He does math. He goes, 50 grand more. I went, what? Oh, I didn't know that. So you've already got all the fucking shit. It's just like housing everybody. Yeah. He goes, 50 grand more. I go, Cleveland, let's shoot four in Cleveland for Hey Big Boy.

1:06:25And they're like, great. We do four. One of the shows, I have mustard on my pants. Right. Oh, you can't use it.

1:06:32Dana Carvey:And I go, who the fuck? That's the name of your next special. No one told you about matching. No one told me. I go, well, how did I get mustard on my pants? Leanne's like, use that. You wanted hot dogs. And I was like, but why wouldn't? Because it was on your dick. Yeah. And by the way, I bomb the first. What you don't realize when you shoot a special, and this is like really in the weeds, that first show you do is kind of unusable. meaning all the cameramen and the director haven't seen the hour they don't know what they're shooting the second show they're kind of dialed in a little more by the third show so that real fourth show everyone it's like rehearsal yes it's rehearsal so then the next year i go i'm doing fucking six shows i think i did four for razzle dazzle maybe but i did six for lucky i go i'm doing six and i'll tell you six is too much too much stress i got i got it i got it but i got it But the best thing about doing six is I applied what Dave told me to the last two.

1:07:27And those last two shows, that's all we used for those two shows. And what did he say? I'm sure Dave would share this with anyone if he told it to me. He said, let it be in the air. Don't try to dial it in to make it this. Let it be in the air and allow those moments, like in a comedy club, like those explosive moments to happen and let yourself find them. I'm paraphrasing a little bit but he was saying don't be married to it let it exist and what happened is I did you know pretty much the exact same show four times almost within you know and then those last two nights I'd gotten it and we were sitting at the bar and my wife's like you got it it's done we don't need these two shows and my buddy Tony said hey man there's two stories I haven't heard you tell that I'd love to hear you tell I know you can tell Just why not?

1:08:20And he was like, you should do those on this next show. One was a Snoop Dogg story, and one was about my dog getting, putting our dog down. And so I threw them in, and I changed up things. And those two shows, I mean, the things that I thought were the closers never were the closers. But everything, you know, yeah. So doing six shows, I benefited from it. I'd like to do six for the next special. I don't know. But I'm not doing that until 2027.

1:08:43Dana Carvey:Yeah. Well, you get rid of the tight eyes. Because I've seen even really good. I've done a special, same thing. I had one show and it was just tight. And I felt like I had to get through my outline. Now, if you're in a club of 300 people and you do what Chappelle's saying to do when you're shooting your special. You take things. Oh, we'll just stay here for a while. Oh, you like this story? And with me, if I'm doing Joe Biden, if they're digging it, I'll just go for 20 minutes or 10 minutes. But if I'm shooting a special, I feel like so. Yeah, and you have a set list on a phone. Yeah, you gotta get through it.

1:09:18I write it on, I'm really OCD. I write it on my stool, and then I keep the stool heads from all my specials. On the stool, I write it on a piece of paper. And you keep it. I write it in a paint pen in silver on the stools, and I name the special up top, and I put my set list on the stool. That should be your album cover. And where are these stools? In a fucking garage. I know where mine are. All right, before Bert goes, ask him what is a show. Free Bert, is it? Free Bert, yeah.

1:09:47Dana Carvey:Freebert on Netflix. And this is like a single camera, half hour? Single camera. Kind of like Tires then? A lot like Tires. Yeah. I mean, actually not a lot like it. Is it with Tires? It's probably not as funny. Well, we'll see about that. No, Tires is. And what's the byline on Freebert? It was. The story. It's really just fish out of water. It's really about when I, about how I've always felt about myself is I am this big, loud personality. And sometimes I try to conform and fit in. and whenever I do, I very much fuck up. And it's pulled from our direct lives, meaning within the first episode, I go on a podcast and I say something very inappropriate about my daughters.

1:10:26Like with Isla, we're going to use this, but it already happened. But Isla, I talked about when she got her period on Conan. And like, because she threw herself a period party. What was she doing on Conan? I was backstage at Conan, and Conan's like, how are the girls? and I go, oh good, Ila just got her period. And he was like, what? And I was like, yeah. I said, she threw herself a period party. He goes, what's that? I go, they're all dressed in red and we have a red velvet cake and she names her period and we put it on the cake and they drink Kool-Aid and eat pasta with red sauce. And he's like, are you fucking serious?

1:11:02And I go, yeah. And they invite two boys and they don't tell them why they're there. And then the boys are like, what the fuck? And he was like, what does she name her period? I said, Jason. She got her on Friday the 13th. He's like, well, can we talk about this? I go, yeah, yeah. Like, you know, every one of us want to make someone happy. You just say yes. And I tell the period. It ended up becoming a bit on a special that I did by telling on Conan. And that night, I'm flying on the road, and Isla's watching Conan with Leanne. And I was like, he's like, so how are your girls doing? I go, good.

1:11:31I go, Isla just got a period. And she hits pause. She goes, she's like 10 years, 12 years old. She goes, yeah, do a lot of people watch this? And my wife's like, yeah. She was like, what's he going to say? She's like, I don't know. and then she watched it and she was like she was like yo and then the next morning my inbox was flooded it was all little girls writing in to say hey thank you for sharing that story I've been freaked out about getting my period now we're throwing a period party Isla became this like fucking feminist hero so she was cool with it but that is the premise in this show is I go in I make a joke about my daughter Georgia and it fucks her up at school and then I try to write that boat and I just make things way worse.

1:12:16And it's all, you know, you guys probably never experienced this, but like when you're a struggling comic with kids at a school where all the parents are execs and agents and you just really feel like you don't belong. I remember, this is how, I remember Billy Crudup was at our school.

1:12:38Dana Carvey:Yeah, we had him on his podcast a little while ago. Yeah. Nice guy. He was at our school and he was dating Claire Danes. He was married. He had been married to like some lady who was very famous. And they had a kid and their kid was at our school. Nia Vardalos, Jay Shanda Sekar, Fred Savage. All the kids were at our school. And Billy caught up in Claire Danes and started dating. And we have a big picnic for the end of the year. and one of the parents took pictures of them and sold them to the Inquirer, or to TMZ. And they came to me. And they're like, the principal, yo, did you take pictures of Billy Crudup and Clare D 'Az?

1:13:22And I go, no. Maybe. They go, you had a camera. I go, yeah, I'm a dad. I take pictures of my kid. And they're like, yeah. Well, someone sold it for money. And I mean, we were looking around because I was broke. And I was like. They wanted you to find their accusing you. They accused me of taking, and I liked Billy Crudup a lot. Yeah. Like he was the coolest guy to me out of all the people at school. I would never fuck that guy over. Yeah. And I was like, but when you're that much of an outsider, they think that you would take pictures of people to sell them. That's a little bit what this has. It's like I was an outsider.

1:13:52And I'm a guy who takes a shirt off. I drink a lot. People would say stuff to me at school like, we should have Burt host the silent auction. And they're like, is he going to take a shirt off and get hammered? And you're like, guys, I'm not the fucking. so like that's that's the premise okay fish out of water sounds good it's good I'm really happy with it when does it start starts January 22nd and done the the girls that play my daughters kind of steal it a little bit good and they're so talented Arden Arden Marine is my wife and we have this great cast of great cast of dudes

1:14:31Dana Carvey:who is the woman you showed us the young Ava Ryan is She plays Georgia. And this little girl, Leeloo, is Isla. And this kid is, I'm telling you, untethered. Like she is, she is, she walked into the audition, her first audition ever, walked in and she goes, which one's Judd Apatow? That's a joke? No. Oh, she was actually. She just heard about Judd Apatow? No, because he was, originally he was attached to Judd Apatow. Oh, I see. And he left the project because I think he just changed up his career. And he was like, I'm doing other things, whatever. I don't know. But he was like, I am. She goes, OK, my brothers are fans of yours.

1:15:16All right, how do we do this? And I was like, just come over here. And she was like, Bert. And I was like, hey. She goes, I like this guy. All right, what are we doing? I mean, just. How old is she? There's. At the time? There's. She's. I don't know. She's got to be like. No, 10. Like a Dakota. She said. She said. We had this scene. I mean, like, I don't want to, I won't give away too much. There's a scene where I fuck things up at dinner table. And everyone leaves. And it's just me and her. And it's awkward. It should be like, and cut. And this kid decided to go on a fucking rant, like a pump-up speech to me.

1:15:53And there were so many versions of a little, a child, getting in my face, going, don't those motherfuckers change you? Don't let anyone fucking change. When you fight a bull, do you run away from it? and I'm like yeah she goes no you run right the fuck out of it and you're just improvising with the audience I'm like sitting there watching this kid and then she's like have a sip of your beer I go no who the fuck are you she's just a real spirit and she I mean her improvs were so funny that we kept the vast majority of them in she has one improv that I can't really tell because it would give away so much she has one improv that I didn't even know she did that as I was watching the final episode, I fell off the treadmill laughing.

1:16:37I fell off the treadmill laughing. This kid is so, and Ava is so, Ava, the whole story rides on Ava, so she carries it on her shoulders the whole story, and the kids are incredible, yeah. Great. It was a cool experience. I'd do more in a heartbeat. How many do you do? Six. Okay. Six, and I like acting. I never thought I'd, I liked acting when I did The Machine, but I really enjoyed it. I enjoy it a lot.

1:17:02Dana Carvey:Well, that was my last, well, last question. The machine, like, because people do indie films, want to do indie films, comedians want to put them together. You have a period of time away from it. It seemed like it was a big success, but what did you learn from it? Like, if you did a second one, how would you do it different, if anything? I would make it shorter. The film? The film entirely, I would make it shorter. That's the number one thing I think. How long was it? I think it was like two hours. Maybe, I don't know. I think it was long. I make it shorter I make it for less money and how would you save that money just by being more economical with the cameras wildly I would I right now I think okay this is a big question I think movies are going to die I think if Netflix buys Warner Brothers we can say goodbye to movies in general in the future movies will be like the way people listen to vinyl records they're too expensive and there's no way to make money off them and to be honest with you me and you could host a reality show for Netflix like a reality competition show The Fattest Baker and it'll do better it'll be so much more economically and me and you will make a ton of fucking money if me and you go to Netflix to make a movie we'll maybe make$300 ,000 each and then all the money is going to go into the budget there's no back end anymore you don't get points on anything on streamers Yeah, it's true.

1:18:30And I got to be honest with you, David, if I saw this kid, they were building a fort. These four kids, they were in a tree and they were building a fort and one kid fell out of the tree and knocked the wind out of him. And I laughed for, I watched it maybe 20 times and I laughed for a solid 20 minutes. Me and you could not make anything funnier than that, than a child falling out of a tree. It's the fucking hardest I've ever laughed. So in order to do a movie. Between reality and things that are cheap and things that are real. And I know people are getting upset right now going like, hold on. Don't say that.

1:19:02No, but you changed it. I hate to say this. The person watching this, you and me, we're all complicit. We stopped going to movie theaters. And that's where the money's made. That's where they make money on a movie is in the movie theaters. We stopped going to movie theaters. I went, I saw, I had every intention of seeing Leonardo DiCaprio's new movie, One Battle After Another. Every intention of seeing it in the movie theaters. I didn't.

1:19:23Dana Carvey:I could have. When's the last big comedy that made a lot of money in theaters? I've never seen it. You can't think of it. A long time. I think the last mega one was Bruce Almighty with Jim Carrey. Like mega. Yeah. That's cool. Hangovers did well. Hangover did great. Yeah, Hangover. That was 2012, 2013. But in the last 10 years, I know what you mean. And it is also the conceit of funny people in a movie. You're already kind of behind the eight ball a little bit. Yeah. If it happens by accident, I find myself laughing. Christoph Waltz in Glorious Bastards was hilarious. Yeah. You know, Django Unchained.

1:20:01Dana Carvey:But yeah, comedy's tricky that way. Comedy's tricky. And listen, I was talking to a company that's like, you know, figuring out$10 million for movies. So every movie is going to be roughly like, you know, 2.5 around there. Shit, that's tough. Am I right? Yeah. Now, for$10 million, you can do six episodes of a TV show. Yeah. okay so all right so then we get six different things we can put out there the streamer i think i just think i think things are changing so quickly right now that like i don't know if they're ever they're not i will never be a part of another 35 million dollar movie i doubt unless i get cast in something like it's just there's not there's no way to make that money back that is a big budget that's a crazy budget and you look at like frankenstein was 150 million dollars and it's on Netflix.

1:20:53Maybe it's on Netflix. I don't even know how it works, but yeah. Netflix has a lot of money. But also, we have this weird ability where we can talk for one hour and maintain an audience, which is what you'd want to do in a movie, right? And we can also make a ton of money for doing it on Netflix. So part of me is like, my dad used to go, don't think because you're good at one thing, you're good at everything. Don't think because you're good at comedy, you should open a restaurant. Or you should, you know. he goes stick with what you're good at so i'm good at stand-up so i'll just keep doing specials yeah until they want me to not do specials but even specials are fucking tough because you look at youtube and youtube they're just as competitive as netflix oh yeah just release them on youtube there's when when i did secret time there was maybe i'm gonna be generous maybe 57 specials released that year right that's how many think about it right netflix yeah more than

1:21:48Dana Carvey:one a week. Amazon Prime. It was one a week. How did they all do well? Yeah, one a week and then some other people released it on YouTube, but not a lot. Maybe seven people on YouTube. Someone's got to give. Yeah. So it was easy to at least get your head above water with a special. And then next year there was, let's say there was 70. When I released Lucky, I'm guessing there were a thousand specials released that year. Between all of them. Am I right? Yeah, all ecosystem and releasing it on YouTube. Yeah, and so to stand out is so tough that when I release Rootin' Tootin', there's going to be - Or Rack 'em.

1:22:24Rack 'em. Rack 'em is another one. There will be easily probably 3 ,000 specials released that year. And so, yeah, I don't know. I'm really fascinated to see what happens with this business.

1:22:37Dana Carvey:Yeah, your mind is amazing the way you process show business. Let's just for a second, right as we mic drop this, you've got your half-hour show on Netflix. You've got a current special and then many other on Netflix. You've got your tours starting up, going to go to Europe, playing a lot of arenas and the Wisconsin Center, like big rooms. You have your cooking show. And you and Tom still have two caves. And you also have the bird cast? Yeah. Okay, am I missing anything? I don't know. You remember everything. I don't know. I just kind of go through my head. But it is amazing. I just say you're a force of nature.

1:23:17Dana Carvey:It's really remarkable to watch. Free Bert. Free Bert. And you're having so much fun with it. I love it. I'm the happiest person alive. You might be. I will. You know, I thought I, Tim Dillon one time said to me, I was having an anxiety attack. And Tim goes, why? It never gets better than today. I said, what are you talking about? He goes, hey, buddy. No one's told you to quit drinking. you're never supposed to make this much money your wife loves you, your kids love you your parents still alive, your sisters are doing great everything today is the greatest today is the greatest day of your life you got a TV show coming out you got movies lined up I don't ever need to work again I got all the watches I need I don't care about cars holy shit, today is the greatest day I'm ever going to have tomorrow could just get worse today is fucking awesome 10 years ago you would take this deal it's beyond anything you think of 10 years ago if you had said hey let me tell you your life first of all you're going to hang out with Dana Carvey and Dave Spade for the afternoon that's number one they're going to talk about the project that you're doing for Netflix they gave you a ton of money to make a TV show and you'll be working doing arenas while you're working on tour and just so you know every fucking Thursday this black guy's going to come in a room and fuck you in the ass you're not going to like it but every Thursday you got that but you get all the other stuff I go I'm in I'm in I'll take the black guy too I'm glad I'm not my drop it's alright it's size 2025 thank you Bert I love you thank you Bert hey guys if you're loving this podcast which you are be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app give us a review five star rating and maybe even share an episode that you've loved with a friend if you're watching this episode on YouTube please subscribe we're on video now Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung-Kaiser and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey.

1:25:17Dana Carvey:Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweetech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment. him. Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hillary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kirk Courtney, and Lauren Vieira. Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show. You can email us at flyonthewallatodyssey.com.