BEST Western Weddings & Liam Neeson's Graffiti Balls

0:00Dana, it's so good to see you. Quickly, I have to tell you the greatest story in the world. oh great if you have time don't fast i'm excited already you can see i'm just stretching okay it all started before i get to the best unreal story you've ever heard you never exaggerate or never you know kind of this is a new thing where we start by exaggerating okay so i was on the road and on the road on the road we know we know spade you're on the god dang road but you've I leave my hotel. I'm with Tommy Farley. He's Chris's nephew. He's with me helping out. Oh, I remember Tommy. Yeah, he's an actor here in town.

0:39Yeah. So we go, we're going to the gig. I forget something. It's the second night, you know, when you go hotel to hotel. So I'm in Jacksonville. And if someone hears us, they'll laugh. So I go back. I go, I got to run back to my room. So I run up and I leave my door cracked sometimes when I run around the hotel. because I forget my keys sometimes. So I get back and I'm like, oh my God, I cracked my door again, but I was leaving for the night. So I go, that's so stupid. So I go in and I can't, I'm looking at it going, where's my bag? Where's my, and the bed's messy. And you know, of course I realized this is not my room.

1:19I'm not in my room. I'm in someone's room. I've had that. It has a messy bed, same room as mine. I'm like, it's just such a weird feeling. I go, oh my God, am I, what am I doing? There's a wall right here. oh shit, this isn't my room. And then I don't know if someone's in the bathroom. If they walk out, I'm terrified. So then I just sprinted out without anything happening. But then I obviously shut the door and ran. And either I locked them out or they were in the bathroom. Right. How weird though, if they were to walk out and saw someone in there. A lot of hotel stuff's like that. It's scary.

1:58I've walked in the wrong room and done the wrong. But, you know. I have to say that was the best story of the year.

2:09Maybe I hyped it too much because nothing happened. Sometimes we stream it too long. Spade walks into wrong room and then walks out of wrong room. Five stars. Five stars. Clip it. Send it out. What about this? Here's another really riveting part of it. Okay, that one, you're not going to top that. No, I get back on the elevator and I realize I hit 11 because I was in 11 the night before. And just by rote, I went, you just hit 11. Oh, so you figured it out. Yeah. I was in two hotels. Oh, yeah. What did you do on the break? No. A woman who's my wife's sister named Neve was getting married. Okay.

2:52And she would laugh at this. It was her third marriage. she's adorable so i was gonna fly out so paula is this more informational than laughs a minute because it's paula's gonna fly with her mom um who's 93 or 4 and i was so i went in reconnoitred i went in the day early so that flight was kind of interesting because i i don't like to get the airport at the end you like to be like oj and the hertz rent-a-car things like hurtling things so So you like to sprint. There was some really out of shape people in my two flights. Getting by, getting by. Really should not be trying to run. Actually running.

3:33Well north of 60. Kind of overweight, but sprinting like a slow motion. So anyway, so I got to the airport and it was delayed three hours. So that's kind of - Oh, you were rotting at LAX? No, I was in a small metro airport. Oh, we're not saying what. And I walked up and down and up and down. And if I have the baseball cap on and I change my lower jaw, you either think I'm Mickey Rourke or something. Yeah. Everyone's so busy at the airport, sometimes they don't even pay attention. So you probably take this plane. I've been flying Boeing's recently, I think. Because when you go on an Airbus, it takes off and it sounds like the engine is literally an oversized lawnmower.

4:17And it's really working hard. Because you're going down. It's a giant. It's 200 people. takes off. You've heard the sound.

4:27You know that sound? Yeah, there's a weird... And you're like, is this normal? Yeah. And then it always, in one minute, I know it, but it downshifts. The first time you hear it, it's like... You're just taking right off the car mat. And then it goes... Right. Like it gave up, you know? And the playing kind of drops a little bit. Scary. You feel like, yeah, you feel like maybe the guy dropped the tranny or something. Yeah. So I got there a day early. There's a hotel attached to the Denver airport. You just go right through the terminal into the hotel. Oh, I like that actually. Which is pretty cool.

5:06So the whole day I get there, I got to pick up the rent-a-car, learn how to drive around the largest airport in the world, literally pretty much. You're driving? Well, I'm getting to rent a car so I can pick up my wife and mother-in-law. at the curb the next day. And I'm sure you've dealt with this, all the directions. How do you get to the rent-a-car? Well, you know, it's so vague. You go out. Biggest airport, Denver. It's such a clusterfuck. So I still was never totally sure I was going to make it, but I did a test run the next day they come in, and they're at the curb. Oh, you did a test run.

5:44I did a test run. But I still, at the last second of my east, west, south, they said well go to the cell phone place so there's a place 10 miles away and everyone's in there looking at their cell phones because you can't wait at the gate so they're all just in there and then all of a sudden they start moving i'm like holy shit i gotta go so then i followed them and we made it and then we checked into a best western dana james carvey well let me put it this way if if anything says best you expect some kind of best that's the best hotel so my my mother-in-law and by the way the whole house flooded there's carpenters everywhere kitchen floor has to be replaced so she's coming from a random flood that flooded the downstairs and blah blah blah so i go get them and we go to the best western now i go into my room you could say paper thin whatever you do but there was a guy next to me when I tried to go to sleep that apparently was throwing up from drinking too much alcohol.

6:54So it was 10 minutes. I felt like he was in the room with me. So I'm trying to never, never land. But I realized my pillow was like, I don't know if you ever get a rubber pillow, like Herman Munster could sleep on it, but not a regular human. Like it doesn't go down at all. You have a sensitive neck, right? So it's like 10 o 'clock, but Target is open. So Paula and I go over to get me a$2 pillow to see if that'll work for me. And so the next morning I get up, but my mother-in-law and her room is flooded and has a sewage component. She came from the flood into a flood. It came from the flood into another flood.

7:38So we're like, we called an audible. We didn't try to switch rooms. And then Paula said, we got to go. We got to get out of here. Even though all the wedding party, like 40 people are at the hotel. So we went over to the Hilton. We go, this is awesome. Big atrium. Juicy. The guy's checking. Okay, let me see. I think I have no. We have a hundred. This is quoting. We have 125 people checking in in two hours. We got one room. We're not going to share it. Then we went to a place called the Armstrong and that was cool. So it's obviously not a huge metropolis you're in. It's not Denver, exactly. So you have to kind of get a smaller hotel.

8:20I was Elvis in Fort Collins. I have never been recognized. I don't want to be starstruck, but Barney, you know, I mean, I'm not normally like that. I've seen you, but no one goes to Fort Collins. So I'm Elvis for the entire weekend. I can't hide. Hey, man, you know, I'm a little starstruck. I don't really know what to say to you. But anyway, we had a wedding of four days. We had dinners. We had breakfast. You want to go to the makeup? Pick the flowers thing? No, I think I'll tap out on that. Oh, you got an itinerary. You can pick things. Yeah, you could kind of go. Paula was going. So anyway, the wedding happened out in the middle of nowhere.

9:00You drive like roads, roads, then dirt roads, dirt roads to an abandoned lake with a rec room. Where they filmed Chainsaw Massacre. and we're out there pre-wedding guess what leak toilet backed up sewage problems water flooding in the little rec room area where the big table what's happening we got a guy a guy comes in a snaking the thing while the wedding's going on the wedding it the guy's playing an oboe or something like these it was like ken burns kind of stuff really and the weather got incredibly dramatic so the vows were mature vows these people are have lived you know and they're very emotional but the cool part was the groom jeffrey wrote a poem about neve it was very beautiful and then with his friend he made a song out of it with ai so a lot of people work its way in beautiful singer a lot of people who was singing that song a lot of seniors there That was AI Well, what do you mean AI?

10:08Dagnabbit? That sounds just like a real song Like a witch? So then the bathroom was out So you had to do a hike up You had to go to this It's a deliverance vibe There's this house up the block That a letter she's her bathroom And a woman on a swing What are you doing here? You know, there's a guitar laying down on the carpet Toys everywhere A junk dog Everything is so anyway it was great and on the way back my mother-in-law needed a wheelchair through the airport never went through an airport like that because we were with her we just went we were king cut through like butter did you get on a cart no we just followed that wheelchair man sometimes they pull a cart up and i say no thanks i want to walk it i need steps I don't know if anything Well I could go on more But that's kind of That's the general gist Is that the long and short of it?

11:05I like vows where they're like On the third marriage going Hey let's just see what happens Let's try it out Well this was so emotional It's kind of like they finally checked off All the boxes on the person they had You know Like you're I want someone who's like this And like that And so it was I tear up easily. Of course, I do too. Because I've known Neve, I've known Paula's sister since she's six years old. And I was the funny boyfriend that came around. And so we had this thing where I had a Volkswagen Bug and she would sit on my lap and drive the car. This is in the late 70s. And then if we saw a motorcycle guy with a helmet on, I'd say bubble head, two o 'clock.

11:52and then you'd press the button that sprayed the water on the actual windshield. It's just pretend that you're actually somehow spraying the bubble head. She never forgot that. So, you know, my lap driving bubble head to a car. Did they ever have the courtesy during their vows to say, how about a round of applause for Dana Carvey? Who is here? Well, there was. Does anyone else want to speak? Right. Yeah. There you go. You got a time to do a set. No, but then I thought, I don't want, I want this to be their day. I don't want to get up and start, you know, not bad. Yeah. And everyone's like, but it was very emotional.

12:29It was sweet. And, you know, it is mature. I do think, you know, getting married in that age group, maybe you are a little more picky or just kind of. Well, you probably sync up more than when you were 24 or something because everyone changes so much in their life. And then by that point, they probably, it's fun to find someone a little later. You go, hey, I have someone to roll with. Yeah, I really liked the groom. And you can't help, but you're there and you're a husband and then you're hearing compliments about him. You go, geez, do I qualify for that? You're always there for me. You protect me.

13:09You take care of me. Paula's just darting her eyes going, oh boy. Paula's already, she's already yawning. And she's like, oh, you can get all those things. And you do this and you do that and you do that. Everyone was shocked that we've been married 42 years because there's like 14 divorces between the two families. And they were all there, literally. And they're like, what? Did I hear that right? No, everyone is shocked. But, you know, I've met Paula. She's so cool that I could see it. I could see it. Interesting. I can see how you guys get along and you are both very mature and you have a good thing going, which is not what everyone has going.

13:52Well, at the end of the day, I think someone said this recently, who are you going to watch TV with? Right. Marry that person. That's actually what it ultimately boils down to is hanging out. We always recommend Shopify. It took us from an idea to a real business. We got set up, I think, in less than a day with very little effort. We could just focus on the supply chains and the product development. Shopify gives us the ability to customize without the complexity. We can change something without introducing fragility or having to pay a developer. We're Thirsty Turtle and we leveled up our business with Shopify.

14:32Start your free trial at shopify.com slash au. All right, I have some more superficial stuff to talk about. that was nice though I do cry at that I cry at commercials I cry anywhere this is I tear up oh Heather by the way that we should do that Liam Neeson video do you have it in there anywhere or do only I have it I have it well you have it I have it just send it while I'm doing this we'll get to it I'd like to see that because the whole who's his new girlfriend from Baywatch Pamela I've had people say to me that's not real is it I don't know like as if I know it's very believable Well, it's funny because I knew Pamela in the old days.

15:12I don't talk to her anymore and I can't find her. Her old number doesn't work. And I'm like, we should have her on. And she's got a movie out. I think we should have her on. She's great. She's super upbeat, fun, but she's got a great voice. She'd be fun to have on, but we'll see. Heather's going to send that in. In the meantime, someone asked me this weekend, two little trivia questions. One, they saw a Joe Dirt screening. They told Heather. You know when you screen a movie first? Yeah, of course. In the movie, Dana, I don't want to give it all away, but I'm looking for my parents. I've seen it 11 times.

15:51It's embarrassing to say that. It's embarrassing you've seen it too much? I actually think it's a sleeper. When the clips I've seen of it and I go, yeah, there's just a fun. I see why it's lasted. There's such a gentle fun. Yeah, it's got some crunchy moments. word packages and so you know like you said in movies i always remember the quirky throwaways the weird little bits and it has has a measure of that and i am not sarcastic and i'm actually a genuine person which is i know i couldn't believe when i saw what happened to the funny guy i know totally i'm a nice guy that gets pushed around and people start to feel for you but the parents were paid were played with uh by gary bucey and roseanne and i i didn't forget that but I forgot the day they shot Fred Wolf, the other writer, didn't come in.

16:41And I was like, I think he said he was sick, but I'm like, you cannot leave me alone. With Gary Busey going, I got a line change. I spoon fed Eisenhower. You know, he says like all these crazy things. Oh, one of those guys. He talks like Charles Manson or something. You know, Hitler was my cousin. Yeah, he just goes and he can talk in a run-on sentence for maybe 15 minutes. so he's pitching me ideas and Roseanne who I know better and well wasn't as big of wasn't really a problem just she's a comedian so she goes I might change this change fine so we do it but it's such herding cats because there's so much going on in that scene anyway it's a very crux of the movie and so we do it we and every take is different and Gary's saying so many things he was in Black sheep so i know him a little bit and he's definitely funny it was just hard to wrangle him to get my cues from my lines or roseanne so anyway we showed it a screening and i remember sandler saying movie's great it got laughs all the way through we have to change the parents because it is the one thing that didn't quite work so we went and reshot which is very normal for a movie they weren't in the movie we went and reshot it that's why it's funny someone saw it with Roseanne I go how would you see it with her in it I thought we caught it before we god I thought they were you said they were in it I wasn't misremembering so who were the parents we had Fred Ward and this woman both character actors that were good but it was we decided not to steal focus with uh stars just have them regular parents regular scene just kind of emotional scene because they don't really like me um anyway weird huh that Roseanne and Gary Busey were the parents I had a weird thing once I was doing Master of Disguise I was so happy to get Robert Locha because of big and and all that like he would be roadhouse yeah he'd be he'd be the grandfather and stuff and then so at the read-through afterwards you know they said uh the accent's too shaky you know he's supposed to do Italian accent you know oh what happened Oh, it's too shaky.

18:57So it was kind of torturous because I, but I think he got his full payment and he went to Italy. Oh, who dropped the hammer? You? No. Pat, read through? I think Jack. Jack Jareputo? But only well-intended. I mean, everyone loved Robert. It was just sort of, maybe it's not quite, but you know, the movie was so goofy. I think Barbara Streisand, it was really cool. She visited the set. Ooh. And James Brolin was playing. Oh, he's in it. He's in it too. He's doing an Italian accent. I'm doing Italian. Barbara said very gently and nicely, she goes, I just, I don't understand why the accents are also different.

19:42I mean, shouldn't they sort of be kind of the same? And by the way, when I met her, I had full prosthetic. You couldn't even see me. It was just because of the timing of Robert Shaw from Jaws. So I'm casually talking to her as Dana Looking exactly like Robert Shaw from Jaws Shark going to water Come to the set So anyway, movies are like that Obviously Gary Busey's brilliant Roseanne Barr is hysterical So there is some reason Maybe they were Yeah, this happens a lot For sure, yeah. I don't know if I've been replaced on stuff, but it can happen. Like you said, Italian accent's awful, but all three are from obviously different parts of Italy.

20:29You should have explained to Barbra Streisand. Aye, aye, aye. There's so many things that are off on the movie. It was put together with scotch tape and hope. But I still like this scene. I know you haven't seen it, but I like stuff like this. But it doesn't even make sense. Like Pistachio is an Italian waiter. He's got all this spaghetti in these plates Yes, I bring a spaghetti, here I go And there's a table of five And then he falls out of frame And then you see fake legs kick up behind To make it really seem like it Like one, two, three, throw the legs up That look like his shoes And then I'm on the table and you cut And everyone's like a cartoon So the entire party that was just normal people They're all covered in spaghetti But they're not moving It's like a cartoon They're just sitting there stunned Covered, head to toe in spaghetti So I'm crawling across the table And I take a napkin And I'm trying to clean the guy's glasses I clean And then we have a shot from inside Of it blurry Yeah, so it could have been a great movie It made$100 million with video It doesn't matter I didn't get the$100 million Those are funny scenes I like silliness If you're doing it there's going to be a couple of funny scenes.

21:52There just has to be. And also, I think, I believe it's pretty trite right now, but a big, silly, funny comedy, I think that, you know, Liam Neeson, I haven't seen it yet, but it's, yeah, Naked Gun. So that feels kind of good to me if it's just... Oh, here's a video. Oh, well, let's give... Okay. Okay. Well, here's a video. Did someone spray paint? I'm driving along. the setup is I go there's someone should draw a dick and someone literally walks up while I'm driving by and draws a dick on it so you had the thought and then that guy did it Jody said it yeah so this guy just happens to I was there to verify that is exactly what happened yeah Heather says exactly what happened we're driving by and we're like look at his legs how funny and Jody goes someone should draw a dick and this guy just casually walks up I don't need the hair on the balls but um i think it looks like a nose it looks like more of a bar chair or something i'm not sure i'm not going to park a lounger and uh we caught this vandal in the act forgot to report him but uh so anyway that's an actually cool it's funny that we caught that it was crazy it was fucking crazy dame it was fucking nuts you you uh you manifested it yeah Yeah, Manifesto.

23:19So you were mentioning Jack in Happy Gilmore. Jack is in Happy Gilmore, one of the announcers. Perfect. He's a producer with Adam. Anyway, he's back in Happy Gilmore too. So I was watching it the other day, and here's some trivia. Because I just gave you some Joder trivia. When he did, well, Happy Madison is his company. And some people were confused. And they said, why is it called that? I said, oh, because his first two movies were Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore, and he combined them. You know that. People know that. But some people might not put that together. No. So that's one. Also one, oddly, he shot – we were both doing SNL.

24:04We both got a deal to do a movie. Ours was Tommy Boy in that summer when the show was over. So during this production year on weeks off at SNL, we would work on, you know, the Turners were working on Tommy Boy, Freddie Wolfe. Chris and I would add stuff, whatever. But that's going. And then Adam and I think Herlihy are writing Billy Madison. But ours isn't called Tommy Boy. I've told you this. It was called Billy the Third, a Midwestern. That's what it said on the front of the screen. So there you go. It's kind of funny. So he was starting shooting first. So we're like, oh, we can't both be Billy.

24:42Farley's movie and the whole movie was Billy. So we got stuck because then we changed his name to Tommy in the movie, but we had no title. So the whole movie, we didn't have a title. And every title was dumb. There's Big Time, Rocky Road. I have actually mock-up of a poster that says Rocky Road. And same thing, us in a car, crazy. what are you going to call it and then i think brian dennehy his dad in the movie tommy boy come here come in here he just would ad-lib that and then they told me later it's called tommy boy and i was like i didn't really love it i was like tommy boy it you don't it it is one of those where you don't feel like you have to remember it you know somehow it hits your brain the master's guys he was the master of this guy that's a good title yeah that makes sense and it's and it's It sums up the whole movie.

25:37It's perfect. But the movie doesn't make literal sense. I think Tommy Boy makes sense because he, you know, the sacred mantra to become another person. So, he goes, yes, I will go to the turtle club. And then he starts going, become another person. That's the sacred mantra to become another person. But nothing really happens. Right. And in Tommy Boy, his dad passed away. He wants to be like his dad. he let everyone down he doesn't want to be a failure yeah there's some themes even happy gilmore is a little more family oriented a little deeper a little more emotional than probably happy gilmore one happy gilmore two it's great there's a ton of jokes there's a lot going on and of course you've heard about the cameos so but just a lot of fun very fun i was hitting him up in the first 10 minutes going god so many jokes already and also so much money like just coming off of scrimpy bus boys of how much we spent on it and knowing kind of how much things cost like you know when you watch a movie you go he has an airplane in one scene just as a cutaway stunt where the stairs are there that you get on in the airplane when they work on the plane and the plane wing hits it knocks them over and almost hits everyone just that just that the 300 000 you got to set up you got to get the airport you got to get a plane you could hurt the wing and then you got to pay for the wing if you it knocks it over you probably do it twice because make sure the guy's doing something has a timeout right away then this falls almost on him and stunting him around fire trucks just that it was a cutaway and a funny one in like a montage i'm like just going oh my god so great songs of course expensive i just had something popping in my head You think Borat was the least expensive film that made the most money?

27:33Because it's like a camera kind of. Possibly, yeah. It's out in the world with his character. Possibly that. And what was the one, the scary one where they walked on the handheld, they found? Oh, yeah. Blair Witch Project. Blair Witch. I never saw. Too scary. You would hate it. Too scary. Too shaky. It was too shaky. I got a headache. years ago. I don't like this kind. But I do like the idea of a found camera. It just makes the movie so fucking cheap and just focus on funny stuff. Look, we're in a real movie. We found video of a cheaper movie. So let's play that video. Yes, exactly. It's funny.

28:15It's a good hook. I don't know. I think AI, AI, we'll be able to make a movie very soon just with our laptop, look just like anything you want. Someone said the other day, what would the Gap Girls be doing now in this day and age? I'm sure everyone's thinking that. I go, I'm sure it would be a little harder to write Gap Girls go to Gaza or whatever. You know, there's a lot of things you could do. Well, what about a Gap Girls movie? I mean, you know. Gap Girls try to stop 9-1-1. They go back in time to stop 9-11. It's a little heavier than a regular Gap Girl. They go back to Hitler's Nazi Germany in 1935.

28:59Everyone wants to go back and kill Hitler. The funniest thing is, not funny, but a good trick we've talked about in movies is everyone's scared of being racist. You can't say any country is bad. Even in this movie I just saw was Superman. They have made up names of countries. Oh, yeah, made up countries. But you kind of get the general gist, if you know what I mean. Yeah, so you go, okay, that's that. but and they always fight superheroes because you can't get mad you go okay they're bad people i guess but when you start naming countries that are bad everyone goes hey whoa well yeah yeah so you go wonder woman went back to nazi germany yes now there's the bad guy and everyone goes okay well dunkirk who i think it was the german nazis versus the british they were only referred to as the enemy.

29:48Yeah. Enemy planes, enemy this, enemy that. Oh, really? Because that's what Maverick did to puss out. He really pussed out. He calls them the bad guys. The bad guys. Yeah. So I think that in Superman, the only time I kind of laughed at myself a little bit is when Lex Luthor kept pointing at Superman and going, you're just an alien, you know, in today's modern political world. Yeah. Alien you, but he is an alien. You'll never fit in. You're an alien. Yeah. But he is a literal from another planet the way when I grew up. That's how I would think of the word aliens, like the movie Alien. Yeah. But it's really about the border and the securing of the border.

30:29When I picture aliens, I picture the little green man. I don't picture Superman. Right. But he technically is, I guess. I liked it. Oh, Superman, did you like it? Yeah, because I go in with a gentle approach. Like, you know, what they're trying to do is launch Superman. Very tough. And I think they kind of did it. I didn't mind Fantastic Four because Superman was just a story you already know. You already know two thirds of it. You know the Daily Planet. You know there's Lois Lane. You know this and that. And then who's the guy playing him is new. And then what's the story? I like The Flash when they went to different dimensions and stuff.

31:18Yeah, it was definitely out there. But they made him emotional. I mean, I go back to the comic books when I was a little kid. And there was a black and white television show called Superman. But they made him emotional. I thought it was good. Hard to do. Who was that, George Reeves? James Gunn. Oh, George Reeves back in the day. Fantastic Four was probably better than I thought. Cut that out. either you have a frog in your throat or you didn't really like fantastic four i really enjoyed when i lie i do that um all right let's get to some headlines some hot headlines okay right off the press oh this is an airplane this might be a i this is okay if this was an airplane would you fly it would you fly in a see-through airplane oh Oh, that's AI for sure.

32:13No, not right now. Like, ah, no. Someone or the toilet's transparent. You have to put one wall up in there. Well, first of all, to have bright sun, you are closer to the sun, technically, and it's coming right down on top of you. I don't mind big side windows. Listen, I'm already shooting some holes in this. Yeah. And I doubt they'd have a sunroof. Big fat no, thank you. Would it scare you? if it sounded like those airbuses.