Chris Farley, Penis Surgery, & the Olympics!

0:00I like stories. Oh, look who it is. Hey, man, I'm a witness protection right now, but I'm sorry I created all this s***. What a minute, Nick's having agasms? What? She's having agasms? Because he's like, well, when you come home to me, you're like a dial tone. Is that why? They said, put a turkey wiener on you. And he goes, no, I want to do it in turkey. Ah, okay. That's his wiener. Does that make sense? That's his wiener. What is the combo combo? I try to go festive sometimes. That's what this is about. Oh, you're cheerful. That shirt? My shirt, yeah. Is that what it's reading? I think so. I got a blue one and that's exact same size.

0:46Put it through the dryer. It's twice as big. What the faiak? I got clowned last night. I went to the comedy store and all the comics, especially the female ones, were like, you have the worst shoe game. it was really embarrassing they all were like trashing my shoes your shoes yeah so they're looking down on your shoes the worst part is it's true and they go and those army pants are from the gap and i was like no they're not and of course they are because dana had them on and i said they were cool and i went and got them they're khakis but let me tell you this like i you know our podcast with Marcello that's out now.

1:25Oh, yeah. The one with Marcello. Yeah. I posted a thing of the three of us and then I saw you guys and I said it's me and the Vanilla Boys because you guys look like you're in a singing group with your sweats. Oh, me and Marcello. Yellow and white. The Vanilla Boys. Oh, we were? Yeah. He did a set last night. He stayed in town today and so we went to dinner last night and then I went and got trounced by everyone about my shoes. It was real shoegate. I walked out of there like this. I was driving home. I was like, whoa. Did you go on stage with a little bit of edge to you, or they ridiculed you after?

2:06It was, I saw Whitney backstage. Whitney looks great, by the way. I saw Whitney. Why does Whitney not look great? I know. Whitney looks great. She looks like a model. Well, Marcello came with us over there, and then I said, they'll just let him jump on. And he felt weird. He didn't want to bump. So it was Whitney. It was Jim Norton. I think Santino. And then I think he went on. Robbie Hoffman. Andy. Andy Santino. Andy, who's a friend of the show. Friend of the show. Yeah, we will say that Marcello was funny on the show, on the podcast. Up now. Yeah. He's got, he's got the goods, man. He's got a likability, you know, and I've talked to two people say, whenever you see him, they saw him at the Grammys ago.

2:57You can't take your eyes off of him. Yeah. It's like that Frankie, uh, Avalon song. Yeah. Four seasons. Four seasons. Can't take my, no, but he's cool. Uh, I root for him. He was very sweet with us at the end of the show, you know, but, Oh, he's very nice. Well, it's, it's the idea. I did meet along the way bitter comedians, even successful ones that kind of you could tell at an edge and didn't want to come mad at you just for being young. It's like so stupid. So he's surprised we root for him. Yeah, he was fun on the show. He also brought it. He was fun and did jokes. He kept doing Sebastian, which was hysterical.

3:39Yes, he had a gear I hadn't seen that swallowing words and as someone who does voices i love those little tiny addendums that little escalation sebastian's usually like my uber driver's here are you good gack but but marcello is doing the other way going i don't know yeah he does that wind up before it goes big it's funny so everybody's honking now like you barely can hear what he says i like when you go i'm clipping my toe full deck clip in the towel my you'll see toenails is a great word for sebastian and he milks it out such a compliment to sebastian yeah that he's got this rhythm that is so freaking infectious i mean the only guy that is a bigger fan than us is sebastian is this guy

4:42that matches here's my uninspiring delivery dogs are funny your thing i know isn't it kind of like hey buddy i mean what is do you have a catchphrase no one knows what it is rackham i did say rackham the other night on stage and all the people were like you should do a character where this says rack them after every joke with a little sound of billard ball going i said one last night i said uh i said the epstein vials came out three million emails there was so much to go through i said that was a busy boy like he's got some 16 year old girl laying on the hammock going come on and he's like hang on i gotta fire off another 15 000 emails before midnight i'm on a schedule i'm pacing out rackham that was pretty good rackham i uh i have and i was judging the three million and then i looked at my gmail account i have 54 000 emails oh because i'd never go through and erase anything just in case there's a little court case but i did have a friend check did ai with the epstein files and he said you're not in it you can go on jmail or somewhere oh i'm not in it are you I'm not in it.

6:01I'll check for you if you want. No, you don't have to. But even if someone mentioned me, you could be in it. They were watching your special on the plane. Guilty. What if we were all on the plane to Epstein's Island watching Dana Carvey's special? That's how you get mentioned. I don't know. I have another story from the road. I like stories. oh look who it is hey man i'm a witness protection right now but i'm sorry i created all this shit am i really dead who knows i know they say they hustled him out the whole thing is going to matriculate for a while but i want to hear what's new in david's world let's brand this story okay what's new david's world the only story about when i went to milwaukee appleton and chicago other than the great crowds i have to say uh minus three when i got to apple i i've heard more people doing that michael keaton joke where when it's three degrees out you go why be any um and uh i did and then they were all i said i put the walk in milwaukee that was my big opener when i was there but i only walked around the hotel room and here's the only story that jumped out to me i'm leaving i'm at the airport you know the guys that make you sign i always about john mackenroe's got a video out right now where he's doing it and he's got one guy that's chasing him and just keeps going just a picture just sign this just big and he keeps going no any airport people's like dude get him out of here and he keeps following him and i'm like he's gonna knock him out if mackerel goes he goes so what happened the guy doesn't know he's i wasn't there I just saw this video and I go 99 % of the people are going, just take the picture.

7:59I was alone going, don't that kid is such a, he's been walking with him for a mile in the airport. Just get in his face. Won't stop. Won't stop. Anyway, I get to this. That's not the story. The story is a woman is sitting down where you put your shoes on after the, you go through the shoe thing at TSA. So I go, can I sit with you? And she goes, yeah. And she has a baby. And so she says, oh my God, will you take a picture with my baby but i don't like to hold the baby so i said yeah you do i don't want to break it you know have they done that to you where they go oh yeah no i've never no but they've asked you to to hold their baby i have to say no now i'm feeling like i've been left out they don't trust me and no it's okay we just want the picture we did it with david spade because he loves kids i'm like this anyway i go you hold i'll just get in it so we do some goofy picture so this guy goes i i want i go i look up like he's standing there he's like a big wisconsin guy he goes i'm i'm in a way i have a i don't want to interrupt i have a great chris farley story for you i go okay and then i'm taking pictures and then she wants me to leave a message for her husband so we're doing all this and he's still there he goes it's a doozy and i'm like okay So anyway, she's finished.

9:15I get up. I go, hey, buddy, what's going on? He goes, okay. Chris Farley, you know, he went to Marquette. I go, yep. And he goes, his older brother is friends with my brother. And when he stayed there, Chris spent the night. And I go, right? And he goes, it's crazy, man. It's a crazy world. And I go, that's one for the books. I mean that was the whole story That was it? Yeah Wow I go And then he did something crazy And he's like Just the fact that they're all in the same room And they're all hanging out Did you get You're killing me man Come on I can't stop Enough I go hey I go I'm doing a book on boring stories Can I use that one?

10:05No I said I said oh my god There's a movie there That's got a beginning but not a middle and not an end. Not an end. Well, you go up to celebrity, you got to make sure you got a story to say. Just saying Chris Farley slept over ain't gonna hack. Yeah, me and my mustache are gonna skedaddle. I like how you incorporated the recent story. That's how I'm gonna do it now so it won't be ad hoc. No, that's good because we should say that once again we're talking about professional people who get bobbleheads and stuff and sell them which is fine but they they've compete and they'll chase you around and stuff it's not like in the olden days it'd be like gee mister i was hoping maybe one day i'd be on tv and tell jokes like you you know and you sign an autograph this is very different they don't even like you they just they're just like sign this and get out of my way and they don't like each other either because this yeah and the second you don't sign they hate your guts but anyway uh that was john mackenroe this this time they were fine but they were uh in chicago they were they just line up and they wait and if you don't talk to them they fought they walk with you it's just there's no winning you know every year david i think we can unequivocally say this we make resolutions that somehow never stick.

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20:28all right we got chelsea handler chelsea handler old friend old friend of the show i see her out about a lot always funny just did the critics choice awards we talked to her uh and she was of course on fire getting yeah she's a she's a pistol she's got a lot of energy She says what's on her mind. Very funny. Never been shy. Never been shy. We covered a lot. We talked about dating. We talked about stand-up tours, who's filling arenas these days. All the ins and outs of her life. Had a lot of laughs. Anytime you have a just straight-up comedian on, we have a lot of laughs. Yeah, we started laughing the minute we started, and it went all the way through.

21:18So here she is, Chelsea Handler. Chelsea Handler. Okay, so we covered I Have Horrible Shoes. We covered the fucking unbelievable Chris Farley story, one for the books. That was, I mean, I was riveted. I laughed. I teared up a little bit. We laughed. We walked away because we were all like, did he skip something or was that it? He was just excited to say his brother met him. Well, it's Chris Farley. It is a big deal. But you'd think that the setup felt like Chris did something very Chris-like. Ate a whole pie or did somersaults or something. Or chewed up a baked potato and the skin was on it. Pretended a pillow was a marshmallow and roasted it.

22:06All the kind of stuff that Chris would do better than me. Anything. Anything. Anything but what the story was. I said, wow, that was a real roller coaster. Yeah, slow down, partner. I mean, you're going to take my job away from me the way you're going. I'll be opening for you someday. That's what you say to him. What's that? No, they were nice. I mean, I would have said hi to the guy anyway. He was nice. Everyone and Chris told me once, you're going to go to Wisconsin. That's where they all look like me. And I went and I go, Chris told me this and he was right. They're husky. Let me ask you a question about Milwaukee.

22:51Did you play Milwaukee? Please, yes. Okay, here's my story. It's not a big story. I just want your opinion. So I go out there, Larry Bubbles Brown's opening. And I can't remember the theater. It was all incredibly nice people. And it's really quiet out there. When your opener's like, holy tomatoes, what is this? So I go out, I do my set. and they were incredibly nice, but really, really quiet. So I came off a little shook up. I was like, ah, because I always want to try to kill, you know? Yeah, yeah. And then the guy who's booking, he goes, oh, you did great. No one gets laughs in this room. Oh, yeah, it's totally normal.

23:28I go, maybe you should have told me before I went out that it's impossible. Yeah. Or pick a different theater. I don't know. Maybe they're, you know, Minneapolis nice. I don't know. I mean remember at Norm were you at Norm's funeral oh yeah don't say that do you remember Norm's funeral when uh I went up to speak killed and yeah it's all it's 100 % was it 100 % I went up to speak and I fell on the stairs walking up yes I remember you saying this stagehand and then Conan fell yeah first he caught me and then when he went up he fell and the stagehand i go goddamn there's a there's something on that top step it catches your foot and he goes oh yeah everybody falls yeah you couldn't give a fat fuck yeah tell somebody that you might fall fix it because conan conan's very agile you know i mean the idea if conan can't get up the stairs with his kind of fast fretta yeah me too yeah then and you with what shoes were you wearing my shitty ones they're all shitty still my shitty ones where there's a little tongue that comes out and curls around like a little clown they're sort of red with green stripes yeah was that it from the mcdonald collection ronald now what made you think that you could get away with shoes that ugly your words not mine i have to say marcel and robbie hoffman were so concerned of my shoes they sent me links of where i can get other ones just to just get my act they go this is one tweak it'll change your life i go well what what's a cool shoe for a stand-up comedian you'd be destroyed no offense but my my a6 were were oh they look like old skateboard shoes they're just bad and i i agree that's the worst part i get it but i'm like i'm doing a set guys i'm not on the runway.

25:23I'm not on the red carpet. Well, the thing that you get dressed up for is in Dandelion, which is available now on Amazon, wherever you get your comedy shows, what was on your feet? Dandelion's bad ones. I mean, even in movies, when they put me, I go, most of the time, it just kills my back. So she told me to wear K-Swiss or Stan Smith. And I go, hey, don't Don't put me out there in flats. Yeah, I got about a, you know what I mean? They're like a millimeter. I'm like, well, I did a movie. I'm Hoka's I'll be like, I did a movie. I hope is are great, man. I did a movie once and the, the leading lady was great.

26:06Super nice. But I think the director really liked her and I think she's like 5 '11 and had heels on. So, and I'm like, oh, that's fine. You know, I'm not that tall. So it's cool. But every day I'd go into my trailer and I'd see the shoes that I was wearing and they were adding like a half inch a day, but not telling me. They didn't tell me. They just started. What? These aren't the same as you. You can just put me on stilts. I don't give a fuck. Tom Cruise collection shoes. Yeah. He's got like four inches buried in there, some sort of like AI machine. And when he gets in, they go, hmm. Well, they have an inflatable thing.

26:43And so if he's in a scene going, I don't know. I don't know what you're doing here. He actually goes, and he can get himself taller while they're shooting a take. Who was the actress, Olivia Diabo? Nope. No, she was in something. What was she in? She was in White World 2. Oh. Yeah, she is brilliant. I mean, incredible talent. Was she off the Wonder Years possibly, or am I crazy? I don't know. Let's look at a clip. let's let's let's become a clip let's i'm going to show you a picture of something okay this is oh yeah so i i have i have a part in a movie that comes out you're kidding april well wait wait wait hold on you're okay wait you yeah i know you david spade you got a part in a movie you go are you still acting so and by the way i think busboys might be creeping out but i got more to when can i see a rough i know i know i know my way around confusing bad silly comedies that need needle trimming confusing bad silly that's our poster i've done a few of those that are confusing but but it's got you and theo so he's got two superpowers that if they're harnessed funny because we're boss boys that want to be waiters and i said in the trailer you should say two losers with the wispiest dreams possible.

28:12They're busboys that want to be waiters. It should be two losers. I'm not even kidding. I mean, really, these are two losers. Even the actors are losers. It should be called losers. But these two losers wanted to call it busboys. That'll light up the marquee. Good luck being on Amazon Prime two days before you come out. Yeah. it's not in theaters you can only find it on a kaleidoscope check YouTube first before you spend any money no it's great it's pretty much done so I did this movie and they said here's a picture to release and they said just throw it up and we'll show the picture throw it up I'll show you a picture of the one they sent me this is Keanu Reeves it's called outcome and all these people go you shaved your head for this so i go wait i guess they think i'm that's jonah hill that's jonah hill yeah and so i say at the bottom hey i have a part in this like i'm part of this movie keanu uh camera diaz jonah hill but this is a picture and then next time i'll have one with me in it but this is how they staggered out what's the movie about let's just because you're a movie outcome is keanu plays like a robert downey superstar who is a huge star but ruins his career with drinking and drugs so he finally goes clean and after a year no a couple months of being clean he's got his new big movie comeback coming out and the week it comes out he gets blackmailed and he's on a race to say i can't let this video out because it'll ruin me and how and the guy's like how much is it worth to you to have your comeback and you have to pay you know whatever i'm just his neighbor of course are you playing david spade no oh are you playing a guy i play a layered character no i play oh Well, no, I wouldn't even give it this way.

30:26It sounds, I mean, it really honestly. That's a cool idea. It sounds like a really cool movie. I mean, it's great. You got me at like his career. Wait a minute. You drank too much or something? Oh my God, Danny. You're really, the way you say it back to me is not as good as it is. It's Cameron Diaz is his best friend. Matt Boehmer. Is that his name? Boehmer. and they are the three of them and i'm his neighbor when he lives in malibu so i'm kind of a malibu guy look and people might go why is dana doing that it's just it's all about how the movie's done the byline is great i mean it's it can be a it could be a brilliant movie i think jonah hill is incredibly bright he wrote it he directs it i bet it's really good because it's super fun i was a little starstruck around keanu i have to say and uh he's a super yeah obviously he's a cool piano is he he has his own lane i mean he's so i don't even know how to describe him but he is uh kind of the coolest of the cool like there's no sense he's really in traditional show business like he doesn't really yeah he's on his motorcycle there was a plane that had emergency land from santa rosa in in modesto or bakersfield and he was super chill about emergency landing he didn't get a car to take him back to la he took the bus with everyone make sure that the driver knew to drop everyone i mean so he let the plane land on his back he does so many things i'm like keanu do i have to give everyone i said it's hard to keep up with you i've been on this movie four days i have to buy everyone a fucking motorcycle on the cast well the only thing that gets him and this is the only the only thing never say to him and i did it by mistake once i just walked up to keanu i said hey wait a minute man uh were you bill or ted oh boy and then it was like i ducked it i know he was doing i think a play for bill and ted this year so he's still full into that uh and anyway obviously fun to see him and he was very chill like he had a lot of dialogue i remember reading the script going oh my god this guy's got a lot to carry and he was just like super mellow unflustered unstressed beautiful wife hanging out oh yeah yeah he's married now sorry ladies whoops he's off the market yeah he really is he's literally like one of the number one hot guys they like uh yeah i think so uh right whoa Whoa.

33:18You should have a Keanu one to go. Whoa. Whoa. Uh-oh. It's not going to be Keanu. Somebody tell me when the fucking show starts. Oh, yeah. Hey, applause. I did see some positive reaction to the paddles. Look, I don't have to do them. I just do them. No, I saw a positive. I'm not going to do them too much. which I know a lot of people like. But it's a visual aid. I have new ones, too, because you know what it does is it makes me work on the impression. I've got this guy, and I've never really tried this guy. Now, why was there never an Emperor's New Groove sequel? I haven't got the impression. It's hard to just make up.

34:08You've got to eat your hooks first, and then you can branch out. Well, fuck you, David. Well, how about we do buzzing around and then we'll. Yeah, let's do buzzing around. Okay. Buzzing around for those of you at home. Yeah, let's do the intro. I'm giving Dana a made up scenario, right? Okay. Buzzing around is sponsored by five hour energy. And the return of their confetti craze flavor. Bring big birthday energy wherever you go with this. Plan your confetti craze party at www.5hourenergy.com or Amazon. There you go. Available now. So I'm going to give you, I'll give you three impressions. Okay.

34:59And then you have to make up a scenario. Trump, because. Always funny. You know Trump. Yeah. I mean, you know how to do him. Yeah. Do you want Carson? Why not? Okay. And then you get dealer's choice. I love Carson. For the last one. All right. You pick one. Trump, Carson, Cuba. How about Tony Montana? Oh, Tony Montana. While you're thinking, I'm going to give a... Shout out. Carnac joke. Oh, good. A real one? That's what Dana's just saying. Okay.

35:45UCLA, AFL, CIO. And then Ed goes, UCLA, AFL, CIO. And he goes, how do you spell Eucleflicio?

36:01That's a real one. I've got a thing going that if it was funny, it was funny. If it was horrible, he could make it into the funny thing. He would just stare at the camera. Yeah, it would be fantastic. Ed would laugh. It was great. Simpler time. Simpler time. The best straight man in history, Ed McMahon. Okay, let's see what you got. What's the scenario going to be? Show. Okay, Johnny Carson. Let's have him doing his monologue. Have Trump be his Ed McMahon. Okay. And have Tony Montana be, what was the band leader? Is he the guest? Oh, that's Doc. He's his band leader. Okay. Should I have him call him Trump?

36:38Yeah, and Tony. Tony and Donnie. Okay. Which one's Carson? He's hosting Yeah, he's doing his monologue He's doing himself, okay There's been some interesting news out there Donnie Interesting news, there's always news And if you look at it You look at the news, you can always get bold news I couldn't have said it better myself Jeffrey Epstein Was all over the news And apparently he had a lot of parties Oh yeah, oh sorry A lot of parties A lot of parties and um apparently he um a lot of people made whoopee at his party what do you mean what are you talking about well tony that whoopee is just sort of like people having adult type fun um you talk about a whoopee what do you think donnie he doesn't know we're looking at things like this people call whoopee they do it they do it a lot at these parties they did a lot of things and they know how to do it.