Christmas Prep Episode???

0:00Summer is finally here and honestly, completely changes the way I look at my closet. I find myself reaching for those things that are lighter, obviously more breathable. Absolutely. Pieces that feel easy but still look polished enough for meeting or a patio hang. That's why I'm such a fan of Quince. They specialize in high quality essentials like soft organic cotton, airy linen. Feels nice without that staggering luxury markup. I'm with you. I just got their Mongolian cashmere tea. Very soft, perfect weight for the summer evenings when the breeze picks up and I collect my thoughts.

0:38Dana Carvey:You know, David, their European linen pants and shirts are also total staple starting at just$34. Sounds crazy. $34. Quince keeps their prices 50 % to 80 % less than other brands by partnering directly with the ethical factories and cutting out the middlemen. They even have everything from upholstered sofas to premium bedding if you're looking to upgrade your space. Yep. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash fly for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's quince.com slash fly for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash fly.

1:21What? Imagine having a free day out in the town, sitting down for a nice lunch, relaxing. Then you get an alert. The window at your home has been broken while you're miles away. It's that kind of thing that can turn your good day upside down. Obviously, that's where ADT comes in. ADT security systems are built for situations like this. They got 24-7 monitoring to help keep your home safer, whether you're there or not. No one wants to feel unsafe at home, and with ADT, you won't.

1:51Dana Carvey:That's right. Their systems are professionally installed by trained technicians, so protection starts from day one. ADT also has the most company-operated monitoring centers in the industry, and the ADT app lets you keep tabs on your home from virtually anywhere. Don't wait to prepare your home for an emergency. When every second counts, count on ADT. Visit ADT.com or call 1-800-ADT-ASAP. Hey, before we jump back into the show, let's take a quick break, all right? Not just any break. This is a refreshing break with Snapple. We all know about Snapple's iconic real facts. So let's take a minute to go over some of my faves.

2:33Dana Carvey:Snapple Real Fact 455. Movie trailers used to come on at the end of the movies, but no one stuck around to watch them. I've heard that. Snapple Real Fact 831. Adults laugh only about 15 to 100 times a day, while preschoolers laugh an average of 300 times a day. Snapple Real Fact, 1983. The first player drafted to play pro football never played in the league. That's interesting. Snapple Real Fact, 1274. Kickball is referred to as soccer baseball in some parts of Canada. Hmm. So, grab a Snapple. Take a second. Enjoy the moment. moment because let's be honest this might be the most refreshing part of your day snapple make your break more interesting someone asked me this question the other day and i think we should get to it what is no i have a big announcement to make later in the show it's about the movies for the holidays so just be ready and stick around because okay there's going to be some unpopular choices yeah i'm gonna do a juxtaposition for the audience about two movies that have something in common which one did it best wow what if it's the same thing i was thinking i doubt it yours is a little more thinky and mine is a little more stupid yeah yeah that's probably about right look at i've got this tom cruise eye now my eye is like half shot on that side you know tom cruise has one it's always like squinting is that an allergy or what's going on no it looks i think it's normal but i just looked i'm like i don't know if it looks a little squintier i don't think the audience would find this disturbing but sometimes we we do get online like this we're not recording a podcast and we just analyze how each other god they look believe me they light us up for this but the beginning every podcast the first eight to 24 minutes should be about how we think we look it's so fucking riveting it's nothing to do with reality no it's so dumb i don't know but i i did have something else about oh i have this dent in my nose my doctor goes do you want to fix that broken nose i go when did i break my nose he goes i don't know but it's broken right there it's standing in we can kind of i don't know i think character anybody who does a movie with the with the great chris farley yeah and their stunts and things he's gonna break looky davy so you must have had your nose cracked at least three times he got mad at me because we did motivational speaker and it was one of the like you know we probably did about six or seven one he had to pick me up and then he falls through a table and he does it unlike rehearsal he has to pick me up and go oh and we fall and i fall on him and i roll off and i go oh shit because it kind of rocked me a little bit whatever happened yeah and then they went to commercial he goes you acted hurt and it ruined it and i go i first of all i was hurt i've got this blubbering ox whale landing on top of me and he goes you landed on me i go i know but i'm a feather you're definitely lying like yeah he's on he's really It's stocky and a football player.

5:49Dana Carvey:It just doesn't work. I know. I'm such a puss. My partner was Mike Myers, and we were around the same size, like 137 pounds or something. Yeah, we were the number 10. It was me next to him as a circle. That's what they used to say. And then Lauren said, David, the stress of the movie is making you lose weight, and Chris is gaining it. So it's still the same pound for pound on screen. your weight is coming over to him. As long as it adds up to a certain weight. Yeah, that's what he's saying. You're losing exponentially at the same rate. So we have the same mass of total comedy in the frame. I will tell you, Dana, before we get into my movies and my real strong opinions.

6:35Dana Carvey:Your picks, your hot picks. I will say that Chris was taking a little bit of a beating lately. It is December. And I saw the other day there was a tree lighting ceremony for the Christmas tree in some dopey mall. I don't know. Yeah, sure. But it said tree lighting ceremony and they were careful not to say the word Christmas during the whole ceremony. No. Why? Why can't, so it's just a tree and you go, I would understand if you said they're doing the tree lighting at the Grove or whatever you go, okay. But to consciously avoid that, then what is the tree for? A December to remember? Is it a Lexus dealership?

7:15Why do we have for the whole month? Isn't it for Christmas?

7:21Dana Carvey:Well, I know a lot of different kinds of people. Sure. We know John Lovitz and others. I've never met someone from another religious faith that was upset about a Christmas tree. I'd say stop that bullshit. Yeah, because everyone loves Santa and the tree and all the trappings. I like all things about it. Yeah. Yeah, and then if you're of faith, it's about Christianity. But I think at this point in America, it's just Christmas. It's a fun holiday. And I don't like the thought police. I don't like to have words I can't use. I don't like the anti-Christian feel because Christmas to me wasn't really about that because I am Christian.

8:06You're secular. Yeah, I'm just more mixed. You're elapsed. more uh spiritual but just as like is this where we get to hammer you can't say that by anyone else you can't just sort of we're taking a beating down in africa it's like this is not the year to be christian i will tell you that that's for sure uh yeah there's a lot of that going on a lot of that tough so let's go back to the tree we can call it a christmas tree i'm still going to go to these malls. I still don't want to offend people by saying it, but there's so many things with different religions. You're not allowed to slam someone else's religion.

8:44Dana Carvey:Well, I don't know. I would say, I think the Christian faith has the best songs. There's some toe tappers in there. I mean, you know, I saw Fiddling Roof, I know all that good, but you know, Silent Night, Jingle bells. I mean, come on. It's not a close call. It's not a competition, but there's some good ones. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Can you finish it? I know I know that one. It would be fun on an open horse. On it is to ride. In an open horsey sleigh. Cut to YouTube shutting us down because it's a song. Our screens just went to black. But here's my real strong opinions.

9:31Ready?

9:31Dana Carvey:I want to hear them. Hot takes. Get on the keyboard. Get ready. Avatar is coming out. I don't want to say I don't care at all, but it's close to that. I will say James Cameron is a great director. I don't know if I would give up my life for 22 years to make three movies about the Smurfs. I liked it the first time I saw it. When it was called the Smurf.

10:01Dana Carvey:uh i mean it's fine i read for the smurfs and then i intentionally tried to get out of the part so did you really and i did you read for glizzle i can't remember they well they were just like well dude is going to smurf yeah do this voice do that voice and i was just so confused and i go smurfs and so then i went on conan the next night and i go or i don't know what it was talk show and i just said i'm auditioning it's ridiculous and then the director called me up really nice guy he goes you don't want to do this do you fuck you yeah now there's like nine of them i would be having this shirt you could have yeah nicer shirts gold yeah it's four real plants i could have real plants real glasses real shoes cedar wood doors but um yeah smurfs are cool well avatar is about i don't know what i mean i know it's got a message but it's really it's so complex to make that it's always three years too late they're like where i need and everyone working i was like another year on this shit you know coloring in or what i make the sky he's got something man we got to talk about i mean james cameron he does titanic no one wanted to make it we know how the movie ends yeah does 2.2 billion now it's crept up more then he does avatar waits 20 years that does two something like that Waits 20 years, I go, this is going to bomb another$2 billion.

11:28Sinking Fox back in the day. Titanic was going to sink Fox. Perfect to say sink Fox with Titanic. And then on Avatar, and then that worked. So I'm not saying they don't work. I'm just saying at a certain, what's that? It's a sink Fox. Sink Fox means the Titanic was about the water and it was going to sink the Fox network or the Fox studio because they spent so much money making it because he kept saying it's not gonna be ready for christmas they're like that's in the old days when you need to make the chunk of your money is like all the holidays combined boom start at thanksgiving and at new year's but they waited and waited and everyone's getting fired and then finally he brings it out and it fucking crushes the thing with titanix it made 25 million i think the first weekend which they didn't love and second weekend 25 third weekend 25 and they're like oh it's not going down everyone keeps going and i'm like wow and then i went to saw it i did i went to saw it you went to saw it well you went to scottsdale community i went to saw it and i saw it at the chinese asian theater

12:33Dana Carvey:and i went you can't say chinese anymore i said the asian okay but don't even start with the chinese that just sounds i went to the oriental theater what is it called back then so i sit in the audience i think i went alone because no dudes wanted to go like i'm not going to tight so i sit watch an hour and a half split a couple days later come back watch the other hour now but i liked it wait a minute you left the theater and paid again and waited and came in because you couldn't go yeah because your eyes got tighter your air conditioning okay here's here's fun facts This isn't funny, but maybe you can make it funny.

13:14Dana Carvey:First of all, when it went over the first Titanic, James Cameron made one of the greatest moves in history next to George Lucas negotiating for, can I keep the toy sales? And they said, sure, in the first Star Wars. From Titanic? No, I'm going back to people who have made great deals. Oh, yeah. George Lucas said, okay, you can keep that and that. I just want, if we make merchandise, I want to keep the merchandise. They go, this turkey will never make it. Yeah,$20 billion later. James Cameron they said we got to shut the movie down we don't got money we can't do the boat we you can do the Titanic but we don't we can't pay for the boat he said you don't have to pay me so he forfeited his salary at that point you know he did Terminator was you know many many millions and that got the movie made and then what he made was like they can't even even AI can't with Avatar He said, I want to own the color blue.

14:06And they said, fine.

14:08Dana Carvey:So here's, I'll give you a pop quiz. I know you went to Scottsdale Community College. Quit saying that, but yeah. I went to college of San Francisco. So did Bill Hader. Yeah. So anyway, here's a question. How do you connect Titanic and Avatar? How do you connect them? because i will tell you other than james cameron water am i close there's something more on a human level oh love story um it's kind of one of the greatest selling things in history no what is the is it like the theme of the movie yeah but it's an internal theme it's a psychological theme that people enjoy. And I won't understand it.

15:03Dana Carvey:Go ahead. I'm probably not even giving you a chance to guess it. Basically, let's start with the Titanic. The rich people are miserable and they end up being evil. The people down next in the boiler room, Irish people, are the happiest people on the planet. They're drinking whiskey and dancing. Then you go up to the billion dollar top deck. It's like, what are you looking at? They're past the great coupon. You know, it's like snobs versus slobs, which is kind of the Bill Murray and whatever. And then in Avatar, you have the native people who are good and kind and beautiful versus the evil, greedy corporations.

15:48Dana Carvey:So these are what I call string pullers. These are the common, yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah, so there you go. Yeah, they have that in a lot of movies. I agree, right? What's that? This is like comment. Oh, okay. They have that in a lot. I think it was in Superman. They had a little of that. Yeah, people love it. These people are just good folks. And then here comes the big bad. Sure. Finding a skilled hire takes more than just reviewing a resume. As AI raises the bar on how experience is presented, hiring managers need better ways to evaluate skills and fit. and that's where Robert Half can help. That's right.

16:29Dana Carvey:Our recruiters combine their expertise with award-winning AI to review what's behind every application quickly. Learn how we can find you specialized talent in finance, accounting, technology, and more at Robert Half We Know Talent. Visit roberthalf.com slash talent today. Summer, what do you think about summer? Coming up. Sneaks up on me. Yeah, I know. It is coming up. I'm trying to juggle plans, juggle meals, and enjoy the weather. Instacart's made that easier. I can sit outside, build my car with everything I need for the week, not have to step away from what I'm doing. I've been leaning on delivery through Instacart.

17:07Dana Carvey:For meal prep especially, David, like getting fresh veggies, proteins, even those perfectly ripe avocado, oh, oh, oh. I set my preferences once, and it's so seamless. It saves me a lot of time and makes sure I'm getting all the quality I want. And the convenience is huge. You know, when I'm busy or just don't feel like making a store run, I can order in the morning and have everything ready for the same day and sometimes in as fast as 30 minutes. It just fits in my schedule instead of the other way around. Instacart brings convenience, quality, and ease right to your door so you can focus on what matters most.

17:50Download the Instacart app now and get groceries how you like. and do it instantly. This Father's Day, do more with dad and spend less with low prices guaranteed at the Home Depot. Get him fired up with a new grill and accessories like the next grill five burner for just$299

18:08Dana Carvey:so you can spend more time together while he becomes the grill master he was always meant to be. Or build memories with savings on top brand power tools so you can tackle projects side by side. Gift more and do more together this Father's Day with help from the Home Depot.

18:28I got another take. I didn't see Wicked, but I have a lot to say about it. I didn't see shit. Listen, first of all, my joke about Avatar was three hours and 18 minutes. I couldn't get through the poster, so I'm not going to go. Three hours and 18, guy.

18:45Dana Carvey:Good luck. Is it really? Here's the thing I say about Avatar. it became a technical achievement you know it was the first 3d that went massive i think james cameron is part scientist part director and so i think i would only see the avatar movie at imax at the grove on a when it when it's almost played out so i'd be empty in a thousand seat theater the screen is like a 800 feet tall i want to see it and that is immersive yes i want to go to an underwater theater and see it in some special way where I'm just like, it's your whole world because he does do a great job with what it is. My interest has waned over the 22 centuries that they've been making the next five.

19:34Okay.

19:35Dana Carvey:Well, I'm a, I'm a grumpy old man. Lately, my wife and I have been going back to the greats. You know, we watched the verdict the other night with Paul Newman and James Mason. What a killer that never gets talked about. It's a killer movie. You know, we, we've watched recently. we always watch midnight in paris because it's a work of art with our friend owen wilson and then we watched all the president's men is surprisingly brilliant the soundtrack and everything about it i will say the key to those aside from that cool look of the old movies that there it wasn't a look then when you look back it's kind of a look yeah reminds you the old days freaking big movie stars meant something it's so cool redford paul newen superstars like i will watch anything um well remember we would watch them in movies you really would go to the movies and movies are ever yeah movies on tiktok fucking yeah you already see the thing yeah so it um everything you get now this is a wisdom alert yeah everything you get in life you give up something and everything you give up, you get something.

20:48Dana Carvey:Discuss amongst yourself. Yeah, let's look at a clip. Whatever he means. No, I get it. That's kind of, that's like, it's not do unto others. No. No, you don't understand. No, I do get it. Give and get. Got it. You should give something to get something and open things up to come to you. If you have a health issue and then you get better, you get this wisdom of appreciation in the moment. if you get a lot of money then you worry about losing the money you know everything has its opposite i've never found an exception yes if you have a podcast you your co-host on the podcast may not be on that day and you just but you still have a podcast but then you have to carry the podcast.

21:36Yeah, that one stung. I finally started to listen. But here's about wicked the movie wicked stars. Arianna Grande our friend. I did. I say that every time he was doing this. Last time she was gonna do wicked for wicked through the podcast. Then she goes No, let's do it for the next week. And we're like in a

22:01Dana Carvey:year and then crickets we would love to have her i had so much fun uh doing that sketch with her with chloe fineman did you see wicked they're complaining this morning that it can be scary for kids now let me tell you something over the weekend the wizard of oz which i don't even know if it correlates at all to the wizard of oz supposed be like a prequel i don't know what it does it does in a way yeah i mean they have oz they have the oz and they have a witches yeah they have the cowardly lion but he wants to be on ozempic it's like they switch it make it more brave antelope which is an added character right yeah uh so this one the witch the green witch is bad i guess this is her in high school i'm giving the wrong whatever it is but i have to say it's the wizard of oz i saw scared me when i was five so i never saw it again i saw it the other day scared me again it's scary the flying monkeys are they're chasing they tackle dorothy and they pull her to kill her they say they're going to kill her dog i mean if you're a kid you go oh they're going to kill that dog and they go we're going to kill you and kill your dog toto and it's all weird they light the scarecrow on fire i'm like holy shit so that's what it's and it's all dark the movie's very dark it's it's terrifying i would put margaret margaret hamilton i think played the wicked witch the makeup the voice everything i'd put it up there with hannibal lecter or anybody is the most terrifying villain in history i think the monkeys were creepy because they had dwarfs dressed up and by the way i heard this from a dwarf friend of mine that there was so many dwarfs on the set yeah you know that there were just and dwarfs are not like it's like a convention there was just massive orgies and they'd walk in and they're all having sex we represent on the yellow brick road well that that was just a set but when they're back on the lot and stuff apparently it was just constant dwarf they'd sneak over to dorothy's bedroom we're on the ranch or whatever where they used to shoot over there yeah using this yeah i could see that maybe brad williams the great comedian or a friend of ours will come on that's no offense i don't know i think someone told me that but i think it's an absolutely terrifying movie i i i wanted the great thing about wicked where i'm happy for them is the second movie did incredible a lot of times the second one's like no it's killing it but they're saying like kids are yelling i'm scared i'm scared and so people are like don't bring your kid if it's too scary well we didn't have the sound that loud as a kid i'll go into a movies here you know stadium i'll get you dorothy and you little dog too don't you like how old phrases that you remember are not exactly right like right it's a little or my dog toto too there's some of the people my little pretty.

25:03I'm going to say movies that aren't exactly.

25:06Dana Carvey:Could I do something that's a little R rated? Yes. Okay. Just a warning for the kids that are listening. No one. Almost one of my very first standup bits. Now in those days, folks, you just grabbed at anything. You didn't know anything about joke structure. You didn't know anything. So I used to do this bit, the X rated Wizard of Oz. Whoa. And so the songs were a little different. different. So the scarecrow is like, I like the setup. This is an actual bit I did in comedy clubs when I was in college in the seventies. The scarecrow is like, I get hard and I'd have more play. I'd even have some more play if I only had a dick.

25:52Dana Carvey:So that was killed. Do you think his balls are made out of hay? I don't know. You should have done this bit. I don't have a question in the audience. The Tin Man was like, oil my ass. Oil my ass. Heather, I'm sorry you're here for this. I haven't gone to the bathroom in a thousand years. Dana. Dana. No, this is, I'm telling you, it was my first stand-up bit. I was desperate. I don't know. I won't do it anymore. No, it's pretty good. Here's a comic that's about to steal that joke. Here's what they say in the green room. I actually used to do something like that. That's how they nab it. That's how they fucking nab is a great word.

26:33That's how they nab it. Then they go, I used to do a whole bit about like that. Yeah, I don't do that much anymore. And then they go do it and steal your joke. And they go, remember I told you I used to have something like that.

26:44Dana Carvey:I know it's the greatest move of a comedian thief. Oh, I do something like that. Yeah, I say that to you all the time, though. Anyway, also, the last thing I'll say is, did you see the new movie Bulgaria or whatever? Bulgaria? It's called Balenciaga. It's with Emma Stone. Not yet. I'm not against it. I haven't seen it. It's called Bologna. Bologna. It's called... Beluga. It's about a whale. Beluga. Black. B-U-G-O-N-A. Petunia. Begonia. Okay. Ooh, took a while. We got there. Begonia. God, you know what? I'm not saying they directly stole that from dandelion, my special. Isn't a begonia a flower?

27:36Them fighting words. But a flower name out of the blue. Hmm. No, but that's not why I'm saying it. I'm saying I kind of want to see begonia.

27:47Dana Carvey:I have a question for you. I like the most down. And Greg or Heather, anyone listening. Who did it better? The Bob Dylan Pick with Timothy Or The Springsteen Biopic with Jeremy Allen Muscle Yes chef Which did it better? Springsteen Or Bob Dylan Because I love the songs And he's pretty good And the girl who plays Joan Baez Monica yeah she was great gorgeous in it but i thought that was better than i thought it would be because i was on a plane if it's a plane movie you're not expecting miracles but i did like it and i did not see springsteen i do like springsteen to watch but it got it came out kind of flatlining and so when it comes out as a dial tone i get nervous like what do they know that i don't know i know What do you think?

28:47What's your vote?