Coachella + Drunk College Stories

0:00Listen up, I need your attention for a moment. Chevy Drive Chicago has a massive opportunity for you. They're giving you the chance to win the Chevy you actually want. There's no mystery here and no luck of the draw, surprise, prize. You choose the Chevy. You pick it, you win it, and you drive it. Chevy's lineup is built for whatever the road throws at you. If you need a truck that's as dependable as they come, the Silverado is ready to work hard and play even harder. If you've been thinking about making the switch to electric, the Equinox EV makes it a seamless transition. Quiet, powerful, and big on tech features.

0:32From the capability of the Equinox to the striking design of the Blazer, there's a Chevy that fits your life perfectly. Whether you want gas or electric, the choice is entirely yours. Entering is simple. Just head to ChevyDriveChicago.com to sign up. While you're there, check out the Chevy Truck Month incentives and find your local dealer. Chevy Drive Chicago, official partner of the Chicago Bears. Don't just dream about it. Go win it at ChevyDriveChicago.com. This one guy said, what are you looking at? I go, I'm looking at you looking at me, b****. Yeah, I go, not much. What the f*** was that?

1:07You got a joke about pickles? What the f*** are you doing up there playing around, shuffling around, looking at your notes? I went into my dorm at the SAE house, and two twin beds, and the guy said... No, I said to the guy, he said, well, this is weird. I said, yeah, should we f*** this one and sleep in this one, or what should we do? What are you looking at? Do you know what you're looking at? Is it a rhetorical question? Yeah, this one guy said, what are you looking at? I go, I'm looking at you, looking at me, bitch. Yeah, I go, not much. I'm trying to figure it out. I go, move, and they go, make me.

1:50I go, I don't make trash, I burn it. Yeah, and if they start coming at me, I just go, cut it out and do this thing. Cut it out. I go like this. Not the face. Oh, God. Might be in show business at 27 years age now. Saving my face for him. Wow. What a rowdy start we have. Whoa. Going right at it. Comedy cavalcade. Your hair does look good. It's very fluffy. Yeah, I have a new person because it's closer. to where I live. It's sort of like a volcano shooting out like this. Well, it's 50s. It's 50s. It's alpha. Never mind. I'll go back to the bangs later in the podcast. You might have to turn your mic down.

2:44Dana, can you turn your mic down? No, I'm just a little amped up, bitch. Yeah. Okay, hold on. Sorry, I have energy. Sorry, I care about the podcast. Yeah, sorry, I forgot to phone it in. Oh, I just got another one that says, Dana, can you turn your hair down? That I can't do. My sweater is green and everything looks black in this room, but this is green. Could you tell?

3:10I'm doing technical stuff. Give me a second. Talk to yourself right now. I will. I woke up and I said this. So, Greg, it's at a five. And then on the bottom, I can put it. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I think we keep this stuff in because it makes us more human. Everyone thinks we're super geniuses. What's the difference between a genius and a super genius? You have five seconds. I'll tell you when you're in the super genius club. Can you find the base of an isosceles triangle? You have two seconds. I have to go find it somewhere. Well, I don't know. You said can you. If you're a brainiac, you ought to be able to find the base of an isosceles triangle.

3:59See, the haircut and the glasses, it's a brand new me. It is. I think it feels like it's either an ode to Coachella or you are at Coachella. The idea of me, I'll do it with this guy. The very idea of going to the desert to watch 10 ,000 adolescent drugged out kids pee their pants and worship their God on the stage who's only playing YouTube videos is not my idea of fun. Did I get that right? See, I popped in there too. You know something. No, I love Coachella. I love crowds. I like to get into a big crowd of people. Yeah, you know, I like to pay$54 for a Tootsie Roll. Yeah, I love it. You know, it's out in the desert, Coachella, you know.

4:56I mean, I like hiding behind a cactus. I like pooping dirt clods for the next two weeks. It's nice if you like wind and sand. I'm one of those people that know an outhouse is a wonderful adventure. You know, it's just like it's never really cleared out. It sort of adds on to itself. And it's very exciting, actually. I always envy the people that do OnlyFans have sex in the outhouse. I think there's probably better location scouting we can do. Is this OnlyFans? Like only our fans or only anyone's fans? No, OnlyFans is just porn. I got it because it could, you know. and the OnlyFans used to be like girls getting like cheeky or naked now it's like if you're not doing full porn get off the site get off you take your non porn site and get the hell out of here go go just leave oh I also have something else to tell you I like and I'll go back to Coachella is that I like things that I could just tell you on a phone call but we'll use the podcast someone told me they were doing sets up near you and i go are there any sets to do up by where day i didn't say you i can't even say the city but i said up there and they go oh yeah there's a couple rooms i'm like oh dana should go in there and do well what are these uh college rooms and no they're just little like clubs they do a comedy night but that'd be fun you could go crush send me the info because i've got a lot of new material i know you could go there I saw Nealon last night He's always in shape Nealon was trying some stuff at the store I went on after him You don't try material at the store I know we were discussing that When you're playing an auditorium theater On the road where people are paying a lot It's almost easier to throw in a new joke In the middle of two that work Because you also want to try new stuff Yeah that's fine But they're paying and they have babysitters And I don't want to give them any iffiness of a show I want everything to work and then the comedy store all these famous comics are standing around and you're like i don't know i think they're gonna watch me go this is the garbage you're selling these days i'm like it's new material night oh come on it's 500 people it's 60 bucks a ticket you've got the biggest stars in show business around i'm gonna try out this chunk about going to sears roebuck with my Dad, as a kid, five minutes of silence, and then you got to face full Bill Burr backstage.

7:38What the fuck was that? You had a joke about pickles? What the fuck are you doing up there playing around, shuffling around, looking at your notes? Did I tell you one time I had the hiccups on stage? Kidding, Bill. I had the hiccups on stage after dinner, and I had to go on. I'm like, oh, shoot. And so I'm like, I was in the OR, original room, smaller, and I'm like, anyway, I'm hiccups on stage like this, And it's so, it's funny for about a minute and I can't really do my act because I can't really talk. It's so much. Yeah. I was like, of course, wanted to go to the hospital because I'm such a pussy.

8:11But then I finally go, yeah, I finally go, I can't just do my act because I'm, it's not funny anymore. Now it's like, just talk, dude. I'm like, so I go, hey, who's next? I'm sorry. I'm just going to bring up the next person. This is ridiculous. And then they go, so when he yells, it's Bill Burr. I go, oh, no, no, no, no, no. and i go and then i hear what i got five more minutes they go no spade wants you up i see i'm watching the hallway silent going and then he comes pokes his head and he goes shut the fuck up what's going on and i go ladies and gentlemen bill burr he comes up he goes in all my fucking years this guy's got the hiccups i gotta go on because the guy's got the hiccups i was like the worst guy to follow to just sit there and rip me.

8:57I know. Yeah. He could do 20 minutes. Hiccups. You know, who invented hiccups? You know what? What do you got? You got to have a fucking name for everything. It just means your throat's kind of spasming. You got to go. Yeah. We need a name. What's your last name? Hiccup. That's what I'm going to call these fucking things. Good night. No, I like, do men really get hiccups? I thought that was for chicks. I had once in a while, because I had chronic bronchitis when I was doing 10 hours a week of stand-up. You know, I had a cough. So every time I coughed, I either shoot my leg out or just go, I'd let it spasm me.

9:36And that helped me. In your act, you did it? Yeah, every time I coughed because I couldn't suppress the cough. So I'm going, anyway, well, isn't that special? I like how isn't that special is your go-to joke. Oh, well, hey, the lady in its day was considered pretty cool.

9:55This episode is brought to you by State Farm. You know those friends who support your preference for podcasts over music on road trips? That's the energy State Farm brings to insurance. With over 19 ,000 local agents, they help you find the coverage that fits your needs. So you can spend less time worrying about insurance and more time enjoying the ride. Download the State Farm app or go online at statefarm.com. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Hi, my name is Lloyd Lockridge, and I'm the host of a new podcast from Odyssey called Family Lore. In this podcast, I'm going to have people on to tell unusual and sometimes far-fetched stories about their families.

10:33I've heard my whole life that she invented the margarita. And then we're going to investigate those stories and find out how much of it is true. He gets a patent one month before the Wright brothers. Oh my God. Please follow and listen to Family Lore, an Odyssey podcast available now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your shows. Let's talk for just a quick second about upgrading your energy game because caffeine doesn't have to be boring. No. 5R Energy shots are changing things up with tasty caffeine in 17 bold flavors. The one I keep coming back to is the birthday cake flavor. It literally tastes like, I'd say, a vanilla cake.

11:15Buttery, confetti-style notes. Celebration in a bottle. And somehow you get all that flavor with zero sugar, no cake, no guilt. So it's all cake, no guilt. On top of that. But you're not eating a real cake. You're not eating a real cake. It tastes like cake. On top of that, you're getting as much caffeine as a 12-ounce premium cup of coffee without the sugar crash. And since it's just a two-ounce shot, it's easy to take with you wherever the day goes. It's a big flavor packed into a tiny bottle, David, and it actually makes your energy boost something to look forward to. Fuel your day with tasty caffeine available in stores and online at 5hourenergy.com or Amazon.

12:05Yep. Give your caffeine a flavor upgrade with 5-Hour Energy Shots. Get yours in store and online at www.5hourenergy.com or Amazon today. Oh, by the way, I know you like sports. I don't know much about the WNBA, but they had a draft recently, and I walked by the TV. The first three picks were women. I was like, okay, good luck. I don't know what they're doing over there. I mean, I'm all for equality, but. What do you mean? I didn't get the joke. What do you mean? Well, whatever the WNBA is, they're picking women first. Yeah, right. Oh, it's the Women's National Basketball Association. That makes more sense.

12:47Good, I saved it. Early onset dementia comes up in different forms. No, that was my bit. Oh, that was the bit. It's that I don't really know much about it, but why are we picking women? Oh, okay, I lost the setup, so maybe I have early onset. Yeah, I know. I like seeing girls play. This is why I don't do it at the Comedy Store. You know what? Because this is a podcast, you can try out anything because everyone knows clearly we're not prepared intentionally. Clearly, it so far hasn't worked for you and Heather. But other than that, I think it's got a lot of promise. Which one? And hope or two, my joke.

13:25Okay. Well, all right. Let's go back to Coachella. I will tell you this. Oh, yeah. You heard Bieber played his laptop and played YouTube video of him. I think it was himself. Singing, and he just sat back and they all listened to it? Heather, they listened to Justin Bieber or he sang along with himself? Wait, did he ask the question again? No, he sang at Coachella. Bieber had a laptop, he played YouTube, and then he played himself, right? He played himself when he was younger, though. Yeah, when he was younger. I think it's kind of cool. I kind of liked Bieber's lo-fi approach, but a lot of people didn't like it.

14:09But a lot of people did. Well, as a casual observer, I think when you deconstruct something and go that lo-fi when it's like 100 ,000 people in the desert, it's kind of a next-level move to make it into a 10-seater in the valley. Yeah, it's cool. You make people listen. They have to be quiet. They're like, you know, it's either that or you have a big satanic ritual. I like that he kind of just kept it small. You know, anybody who's got, let's call them 300 tucked. Okay, if you have 300 tucked. Million. Yeah, and it's tucked. It's tight. It's after tax. It's a wall. It just informs your life. I've talked about this a lot.

14:50You've got the cliff notes, and it just makes you more your authentic self. Relax. Because he's not dancing for his donuts. He's not up there. Am I good? He's Justin fucking Bieber. And if you don't like it, you go fucking go to Palm Springs. Yeah. Get that. Hell out of Coachella. I haven't performed in my boxers lately, but I'm thinking about it. You need cowboy boots. You need boxers. You need a hoodie over the top where they can't see your face, like a huge hoodie. And then you got to take the best bits of my act and see if you can. I go on a jockstrap and a sailor hat and I do my best. Your dress is a four-year-old schoolgirl with a lollipop and you have big braids.

15:35And you dain his act. Yeah, well, you know, I'm thinking of doing some stuff like that. Okay, I have another thing about Sabrina Carpenter that you didn't know. Oh, Sabby. I love her. Oh, you probably know her from when you did Biden. Did you see her out there? um yeah i think she was on the show yeah you know i went up and said could i get an autograph and dana she goes uh no i know i walked over and said you know my uncle was a carpenter and she said she was very sweet really nice then she asked if she could get a picture with me i said hey you got any money i i'm jealous because i saw it the 50th she's in the crowd and i whipped over to do my joke in the audience didn't even look couldn't care less didn't look i walk by like this i'm going to do a bit in about 25 seconds she was like this anyway she was at coachella and why is this a controversy it's so nothing somebody i take her side for being a performer someone is making noise and she stops playing goes what is that noise and they go i'm yodeling and so someone's yelling now you're like now yodeling can get loud i don't know if you do it a lot if you hear it a lot i know all about yodeling i know all about you i know all about i'm from i was born in yodel iowa i was born in a town called yodel so but look it's either it's either supportive or it's or it's disruptive well yeah i'm telling you even if it's supportive it's like i bring my supportive air horn to shows like if someone's going you go okay and then they yelled it's a cultural thing she goes well i i i don't love it during my shows or something and then they and they're like she said i don't like it yeah she's yeah which is fair yeah she's on the show what's distracting you and someone does it for attention I'm sure it's, sure, part of their culture.

17:47But you know if you're making a lot of noise, there's a time and place. Yeah. So then they go, is she going to get canceled? I'm like, let's quit throwing around canceled for whatever the fuck happens. Should we ruin her life for this? It's just making it. It's so exciting. She could get canceled. When I was younger and naive, I'd go to shows and I would bring up a typewriter, a really loud, old-fashioned one. And I would just be doing that. and I couldn't believe that Stevie Wonder went, what's that? Yeah, and you go, you should know a lot of noises. Who's the yodeling woman who's a singer and she can yodel?

18:26Oh, Jewel. Jewel. Yeah, so maybe it was Jewel. She's got a great voice. I don't think it was Jewel, but something like that, Jewel would not do that to her. No, no. Yeah, Jewelry is her twin sister. She's nasty. That's all I got, man. I told you I don't have a script. You do not. I do not. I'm official. Official. Yeah. Wait a minute. Is that what you think's funny? To just make up things that aren't funny at all? Do you find that funny? Is not funny funny. Not funny funny. Bus boys. April, what, 21st? 17th. April 17th. Okay. I have a story for peers. Okay. All right. I'm here with David Spade, and he's got a story for me.

19:17What do you have to say? I said, Pierce, did you hear? This story's a little rough on the edge. I can't tell it all, but it's the Ruby Rose, Katy Perry story. Well, I'd love to hear it. It's a little rough. I don't know if Danny can handle it. Katy Perry. Katy Perry, of course. She started by making a comment about Bieber's performance. Bieber, yes. And Ruby Rose, this beautiful actress that is in whatever, but I know her face. She says, oh, something to the effect of who's listening to you after you S-A'd me 10 years ago, 20 years ago, which means assault, right? Sexual assault. Sexual assault, we can say it.

19:59Sexual assault. Yeah, and she goes, and it says, remember when I was trying to hide from you? I was hugging this other woman. I was down trying to hide when you walked in and you came over, and are you ready for this, Pierce? I'm all ears leaned over, crouched over me pulled your underpants to the side and then pushed your bajajay on my face and I got up and projectile vomited this is a fun story I read today in USA Today so projectile vomiting and underwear moving about is this your idea underwear out of place with projectile vomiting Is that your idea of a fun story to start a podcast? Do you think people would like this?

20:45I know. Everyone just crashed to a tree. I almost did. I was like, I can't even hear this story, so I have to ruin someone else's day. Oh, someone's here who also listened to this story. I don't know if she'll comment or not, but...

21:01I like in full bug eyes mode.

21:08That was taken 30 years ago. she's ageless and energy of, uh, Hey, um, of the gladiator. What else you have? So that story's sickening. What else? That was great. Yeah. That's a real fun picture to paint. That was a good one. And then, so Coachella's done. Yeah. No, did my WNBA joke that killed what else? Oh, I, let me see. Oh, So this will be on on like the 20th? 17, 18. So it's April 20th today. Okay. Look at Dana. Like that meme with the woman with all the numbers of overhead. Yes, April 20th. That's so funny. Want to get in your calculator? Yes. So what else did you do this weekend? that is of note and very important to talk about.

22:12Fed the horses? Okay, that's up there. I don't know if it's at the top, but it's up there. I watched The Masters. Oh, right. Yeah, with Rory McIlroy. Do you know what the difference between a hooker and Rory McIlroy? And a rooster is? A hooker and a rooster? No. A rooster says cock-a-doodle-doo And a hooker says any cock will do You know, we're going to go to a commercial Beedle-y-peep-beep Bop-bop Bop-bop-bop What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Rory McIlroy? Go ahead One won the Masters and one's in rehab in Switzerland Is he in Switzerland? Of course Of course Wouldn't you want to go to Switzerland?

23:03I mean, my God. Yeah, I mean, I'm neutral around the whole idea. Do you think that's performative? No. He does feel like I should go. I think Switzerland, it's a little quieter. He's in the mountains. He probably, they let him go up to the mountains and sing The Hills Are Alive with the Sound of Music. I mean, it's cool. Can you sing it? I wonder if he knows I mentioned him on Howard Stern. No, Howard mentioned him. I root for Tiger Woods. That's all I'm going to say. I root for Tiger Woods. Tiger's a really, really, really good friend of mine, and you're a business acquaintance of mine. I guess I'm an actual fan of Tiger Woods, and you were like, I guess he's a good golfer.

23:47What? I go, who is he? He's famous? Okay, I'll do it. Well, the other guy, the guy who got no attention in the 90s, young golfer, great golfer, called Rooster Branch. and rooster branch was as good as tiger woods so i was going for a real one yeah rooster branch he was he always went under no no it's a playoff his name tiger wood branch substitutes for woods tiger i don't know how i go tiger the rooster it's two animals it'd be more like leopard lumber it almost took me back to the disgusting joke about you said about the hooker and the rooster uh you've been you've been dancing between pg-13 and yeah i'm making it rough that katie perry story is rough you know she's probably backpedaling all the way back to mars she also

24:47what about baldini lauren left a message for me oh lauren michaels uh baldini's lawyer they threw out 10 of the 13 charges. I think that Lively and Reynolds have a really strong play in their back pocket. Otherwise, why would they go to trial? That's great, Lauren. When's your movie come out? We're going opposite bus, boys. So I'm feeling like really, really good about it. Oh, my gosh. I want to give a plug to Roommates. I was going to go to that premiere last night. Roommates? It's Sadie Sandler's movie on Netflix. Oh, great. A good old school college comedy. She moves in with a roommate and you get just pushed together.

25:39And I think there's friction. I'm not going to give everything away, but it's a good comedy. You know, we had Animal House. We had a lot of those. We did PCU in the old days. um did you ever live in a dorm and have a randomly assigned roommate i stay heather did i have a story oh go ahead you can tell yourself it's not that it's not that exotic but it is weird you get in the room there's two twin beds you know so i set up my stuff on one side and wait for the roommate guy comes in hey i'm paul you know what's up okay this is a tiny room and so So it's like, okay, time to go to sleep. So I get a single bed.

26:21He's over there. And then we're just chatting a little bit. The lights are out. So at the end, he goes, so what do you say you do again? And I said, and I guess I was muffled in the pillow. I said, I'm a comedian. Okay. Then we slept. Later on the next day, he said, so how long have you been a communist? He thought comedian muffled. He thought I said communist somehow. Isn't that fascinating? Should we take a break? We should take a break right now. While people laugh. Nothing can follow that. I went into my dorm at the SAE house and two twin beds. And the guy said, no, I said to the guy, he said, well, this is weird.

27:04I said, yeah, should we fuck in this one and sleep in this one? Or what should we do?

27:11Oh, we laughed. Oh, my God. My first roommate said, you know, he stood up. there was blood trickling down the front and he had a machete and a knife he goes pick your poison oh no and he's i'll kill you either way so i called the dorm monitor and go this is i don't know if this is going to work out this is dana in 5g uh it was for ducci hall and it was boy girl 15 floors do the math dude manzanita was dorm right next to mine and i think i told you this I got a little, I got a little juiced. I had a few knocks at the SE party. I walked this girl home. She goes, I said, I can drive you. Meanwhile, it's 200 yards.

27:55Meanwhile, I just want to show her I have a car. It's a horrible old Volvo, big stick shift. So she's like, sure. I drive a hundred feet out of the 200. I get pulled over. i don't need the dance mix so i pull over she's standing there she was on the asu calendar and i had no heat i would this is just pure luck i'm just driving her home just driving home 200 yards so what is the problem problem is you could drive drunk back then i think it was one of the last years i was drunk but i get out but you're going 200 yards I'm going to, I'm just basically in neutral role You're lightly buzzed I've had a few snorts And anyway The cop throws me in handcuffs And I'm like this I'll be over soon I just have to deal with this She's like, later This guy ruins it so bad Takes me to jail He goes, you have a warrant And it's like on those TikTok videos I go, you can't do this I don't say that, I'm not smart enough He just goes, you're going to jail I go for what he goes a warrant I go oh I don't even ask what it's for he's go oh no then I get to jail and I'm like this and I go what what wait what's my warrant for what did I do I don't do anything wrong I'm perfect and he goes you have three unpaid speeding tickets oh and he shows them to me and it's my brother Andy signed him oh my brother had a warrant so he said he was me and then he just said, I don't have my ID, but this is my name and birthday.

29:36And then those built up. Threw me in the clink. Mike Sterner, this comedian that I did open mics with, came down and got me out for$200. So I stayed the night. I'm hardcore, dude. I don't think you get it. That was a good story. That was a really good twist. Well, my friend and I, in front of Verducci Hall, we had a Volkswagen Bug, so we were just drinking beer and driving, right? But not a lot of beer. But we get out and this pretend campus policeman's like, you guys are in trouble. You know, first we were kind of like, OK, so we went to the dorm, the desk. And then I said, who's your supervisor?

30:12Let me go. I go, I'm going to call him. So I call us. I go, we're getting harassed here by what is it, Dave. So we got off. But we weren't driving drunk. We just had a couple of years. I know that's where they all say. Don't do as we do. What is we say? You know what I mean? but your story is interesting i hope andy apologized not really but yeah that that tricky and he could not care less i will say that i can safely say that yes yeah but he's cool i talked to him two days ago uh no it's not he's a he was a young man too he was the stud of the school actually he got me some heat there at the school because everyone liked him so they were like no who are you okay if you're if anybody related to him you're cool god i wish i went that's a good deal but they kissed my ass when i was in a pledge and the second i was active they're like get down give me 20 take this toothbrush walk wash out the i'm like wait what i i'm the guy you were just kissing his ass two minutes ago why again now you're in we tricked you now you're a pledge and you're a scrub and we're gonna put paprika in your hair and tell you what to do all night and make you drink i'm like huh was that a drink was that a positive thing they're saying to you at the moment or a negative negative it's negative so why did you sign up for five delta k didn't you see animal house with john belushi i know but they just trick you because they say that you're the greatest guy in the world and then they go let's for starters you're not the greatest guy in the world i'm like oh i was so bamboozled man so you You've changed a lot since you were 19.

31:59Because anytime someone would talk to you, you'd just go, I was so young and innocent and trusting. Where'd you get the snappy comedian from? Snappy guy. This is you going to junior con. Just from hiding, stuffing feelings down. Oh, Dana. All right, let's do some news stories. And we'll really get on this unless you have more riveting. Not at all. I just think it's kind of interesting that Bernie Sanders is the kingmaker of the Democratic Party. Does he decide who's going to run? He got Mamdini in and other people. He'll see his best friend. Go ahead. Is he going to talk? I guess he should talk.