Collapse and Controversy

27:55They were just like, let's just do this. And then it, those are sometimes things happen like that and they blow up. Uh, yeah, they're good. They're good. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, I got a story for you. Are you ready? All right. Is the guy's name, who's the guy? This isn't even a funny, no, I can't even tell. It doesn't have to be funny. We can be real. This is just, I don't know. That's what George W. Bush is saying about that. George W. Bush gets his own god dang dick. Yeah. Yeah, he's like, tell the story. Come on, man, tell the story. I like that face. We like to attack people. They should make him smiling and laughing because he's better.

28:36Well, I've got all kinds of these freaking things. Yeah, what the fuck do you think I am? What do you think I'm a joke? What do you mean? What are you talking about? Here, this is just random. Didn't try to put them together. They just came out. Oh, this reminds me of something for you to do Obama, ready? that I thought it was interesting. Not bad or good. What did you find interesting? Okay. That Larry David Larry David goes from doing Seinfeld, the greatest show, arguably, to Curb, which is arguably one of the next... Good show. Good show. Never know what's going to happen. Larry's funny. And I thought he's retired, but he teamed up with, of all comedic people, Obama.

29:17Oh, that's right. Yeah. Larry did a show for us for a miracle productions, whatever it's called. Yeah. But Mr. Obama, Mr. Ex-President, are you, do you know a lot about comedy? I mean, yeah, go ahead. State your case. How did this start? Well, Michelle and I always wanted to be funny. We'd like Saturday night live and David, we even liked some of your stuff. Hollywood minute was kind of mean, but damn funny. I'm kind of glad I wasn't around with the time you were doing it. You might've stung me. What kind of joke would you have said about me? if you had Hollywood Minute today. Don't put it back on me.

29:54Well, I remember a good one I had about M.C. Hammer where I said, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, it's over. That's when he was at the tail end of his career. All right. I wouldn't do that to you, Barack. I'm not an expert in comedy, but that sounded kind of funny. But Larry David's kind of doing revolutionary people from America and they wore different wigs. And the funny part is it's not the actual guy. It's a guy in a wig. You might think it's somebody else, but it's not. And Michelle and I will laugh, laugh, and laugh until we can't laugh no more. We laugh all we can. Obama's notes are like walking, going, maybe something with bears.

30:32It's a funny thing. Bears are funny. Somebody comes in a room, doesn't know what's going on. They go, what's going on? People tell them what's going on. And before they know what's going on, that's the magic of comedy. That's what you do. What this podcast lacks is what Larry David has Yeah Wait, funny? No, he's fading out That was a good one to fade out on I know, that should have been a three hour energy No, but Jerry is also doing his own show with J.D. Vance Jerry Seinfeld? No, okay J.D. Vance is producing his I can't believe what J.D.'s doing We are not doing the right jokes He's got good pitches.

31:16Hey, Jimmy Fallon. How about, okay, so remember that kid, Brian Johnson? He is keeping himself young. Heather, you know this story, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. This guy is doing all this genetic stuff, and he wants to live to 160. Yeah. Right. So this sounds rude, but he has some sort of incurable stomach condition. So that's why I wasn't going to bring it up. But I think the part I'm trying to focus on is if you're at the doctor all the time, some fucking blind spot. He hadn't been checked. It had been going about 11 years, whatever he had. And they found it. But you're getting checked every which way but loose to make sure everything's working perfectly and then adding to that and then making that stronger.

32:08and everything in some blind spot. We could look it up, but there was something he had in his stomach. And if he's had it for this long, it feels like he's in good enough shape where he could possibly beat it. Well, if something's chronic, if it's life-threatening, but if it's just chronic, you know? What's incurable that isn't cancer, you know? Well, you know, the thing is, until it, now I'm just doing Obama the whole time, until AI figures a lot of things out. Genetics is strong. So this is like a, this is what my cardiologist would always tell me. This man, he was from India, P.K. Shaw, great friend.

32:53This man comes to the doctor and the doctor, he says, I want to, I don't know what I should do. I want to live a long time. And the doctor says, what about your parents? And he says, my parents both died when they were 40. The doctor said, do whatever you want. Smoke, drink. It's like, I did not. Why? Because he's not till 40. Well, the genetics are so strong. I forgot the joke. I messed it up. I'm sorry. I got to give myself a bad review. Yeah. No, it's that little thing I don't like Because I can't figure it out But basically the idea is You can do everything perfect Jesus Christ It won't stop What a burn What is that piece of shit?

33:48This is AI since that's what our podcast Sounds like to people The point is Is that there were identical twins two women one smoked, drank, partied, ate boom, the other was perfect water, blah, blah, blah they both died at 92, two weeks apart because they had the same genealogy yeah, so they're going to have to beat that soon, that's the next thing, but I felt bad for this guy I think if I remember the quote was, the stomach was eating itself, whatever that meant, the lining of his stomach maybe, yeah so what What a bummer because, you know, it's not worse or better than anyone else out there trying to keep going, but that he was putting so much effort.

34:34Well, he was making it his whole existence, right? Blood transfusions. And his whole identity was, and he ran with it. Also, here's, but on a lighter note, here's my impression of, did you know that the World Cup is still going on? It's all fucking summer. I didn't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And USA, in case anyone taped it. Right. We don't want to give it away. If you taped it, it was last week. But go ahead. You remember when they played Blosny and Herzogansia? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. They played two countries at once, and they beat them. Also, that was that joke. And then also, oh, here's the guy on the goal like this.

35:16They line up to block the kicker on a penalty. Mm-hmm. and the trick is you want to take it right in the noggin because you want to block it so they all jump at the same time right and so i saw it's it's cool because they're all like this oh please hit me and then and then the ball goes around him and then when they do slow motion the guy goes up and he goes oh please don't hit me and he lands oh i tried my best do you understand I don't understand soccer at all. I got that part. No, I know that one team's trying to get a buyer. But I even finally got enough to where when they were on the side in that last USA game where they really laid down and took it.

36:07But the guy kicks it over to the middle and there's one guy that just kicks it right in. I'm like, it shouldn't be that easy. And it's not. Usually it's just, and they missed, and they missed. And now we're two hours in and the game is scoreless. But when Messi hits it and it kind of winds around coming down right in front of the net and then his guy's right there and just goes, dink, right in. That's pretty cool. I appreciate the athleticism of sprinting and kicking and then getting it. But as an American, you have to get past the idea, pick up the fucking ball. Yeah, I know. Or block it with your arm.

36:46I think there should be more bicycle kicks. As in my imagination, there's less bicycle kicks. Those are cool. Or when the guy just goes inverted, goes upside down and kicks it. I think that's kind of the same thing. Bobby, my guy, goes on the road with me and writes with me, Bobby Miyamoto. He has a scar because he played all the way into college and he ended his career in a bicycle kick because he landed on his shoulder. Oh, because you're, yeah. Never quite got that shimmy back. Yeah, that'll do it. That killed an audition for Grease. Spine and compression don't go well together. God, I'm okay with my shirt today.

37:27It's a good color. This is the best you've ever looked in the podcast, ironically. I love it. I just came, I ran from Jersey Mike's. Yeah, you were like Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate, you know, running down the street to get to the chick in the chapel. Oh, wait, I got two things. I know we're doing five-hour buzzing around, but I want to hear about it. Oh, that's right. I have nothing. Let's hear your first story about the name game, big event on the farm. Almost forgot. Right. We have a baby horse. Is it called a low for a foal or a coal or something? I'm not sure I call it the little feller.

38:09Yeah, I mean little feller. there's a mare and a fowl and a foal. Yeah. But, um, a foul. Yeah. Didn't I already tell this? Right. No, you said it came out. Yeah. There was it out. Yeah. Well, um, our caretaker, Jose, who's it's technically his horses, but they live with us. So we're proprietary about them. But now the baby horse at this point is like six, They're seven days old and is galloping all over the pasture. Okay, good. And we were putting in a new fence, and the three horses got a jailbreak at like 5.30 a.m. They got through the other little fence, and they're just running around the property.

38:56They're down by Chili's. They found them down by Chili's. Yeah, they're on the 101 asking, where's David Spade's house? Go to Hollywood. But it has not been named. I liked your possible name. Possible name was suggested that because in the early days the baby was weak wasn't getting food but it was trying to get it to stand up and it would do these pratfalls over and over again. So possibly floating around is naming the baby horse Charlie Chaplin. I don't mind that because it would turn into Charlie which is a cute name. Or Chucky. Or Chuck. Chaz. Also I saw that you put out on Twitter, what should we name it?

39:40Really cute picture of the horse. I liked Whitney's. Whitney Cummings said Dusty. That wasn't bad. Well, someone said David Spade. I said, we think alike. I said, but there's 300 horses named David Spade. Yeah, there's so many. So many people have named either Joe Dirt or David Spade. Spudley. That's nice of Whitney. Oh yeah. Dusty's kind of cool. We were jumping in and I heard a couple of good ones, but I do like Charlie Chaplin. I just like horses. I didn't really understand, you know, how kind of magical they are. You know, they don't have a higher consciousness. You understand, you know, they're just pure.

40:22They're not like worried about how they look and stuff. I did see an actual baby, not a horse baby, but, and they put it up to the horse and this horse is just letting the baby pet it. And I think they just know this isn't the bad guy. So they let the baby do whatever. And the baby was like giggling. It was very cute. Well, the baby and the horse and the mama horse are just like this pretty much. Oh, that's cute. Yeah. Just follows. Just, yeah. And the other horse that's in the pasture is sort of a loner now. She's been kind of ostracized. Rojo is her name. So we kind of make sure. Because the other one's proprietary about resources.

41:01We go up to the fence to feed them. she gets upset if Rojo gets her. So I'm feeding Magrosa and then Paula's feeding Rojo. I guess we didn't have a contest to name them.

41:17Okay, thanks. Magrosa, isn't that a detective show from the 70s? Like Manics? No. Magrosa on ABC right after The Love Boat. Magruder and Loud. Give a comedian a name and you've got like two minutes of right back to the 70s TV shows are always good. Mad Hicks, an all new Mugrosa. Yeah. They're really fun. They're uppers. They're cool. Oh, so cute. Yeah, thanks.

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42:27Now it's time for buzzing around. Applause, applause. But sometimes we'll text a little bit and you'll suggest and I have an idea. But literally right now, I have no idea in my head at all. We will cobble one together. Sponsored by 5R Energy's Firework Freeze flavor. Ignite your taste buds. I know you're getting more nervous. With a red, white, blue freezer pop classic. Reimagined is a delicious Firework Freeze 5R Energy shot. Fine. Firework Freeze shots online at 5R Energy. or Amazon today. Okay, so that That's that. And I'm going to go back to you. And now, let me see. What are my, what are some old deep guys?

43:10These are just some of my puppets. Oh, maybe some of you. Look at this. Is that Alfred Hitchcock? Alfred Hitchcock. Maybe he was a little younger. I know. Oh, yeah. They're all ancient. Well, I do have, yeah, I have different ones. okay maybe we have Trump kind of talking about the latest crisis dealing with the used car dealership guys in Iran okay bro bro we don't have a deal yet okay Trump and Iran and then maybe you could throw in Trump and Iran just like him talking about Iran because as of press time right now the deal's off deal's off maybe just do trump this time i'll start out with this well maybe you can throw in uh two other presidents two other presidents oh oh you got oh he's a charles barclay stallone and obama playing golf that's terrible that's terrible terrible terrible he wasn't at the wedding barclay because he played golf i don't know what you're talking about with this i don't Come on.

44:22Come on. We got a case of the yips. Nope. We got to do the book. The yips. The yips. Remember that? The yips. They got the yips. The yips. The yips is a great band from the 70s. The deal's off. I'll tell you. I'll tell you this. The deal's off. You were nice. You weren't nice. First you were nice. Now you're not nice. You got cute. You got cute. If you weren't cute, nothing would happen. But you got cute. So I put a drum or a pop a tub or a head. You got cute. You shouldn't have got cute. Where did don't get cute go? That's a great. That was what he said once about them. If they get cute, you know, we'll drop a bomb right in the head, you know.

45:02My dad didn't tell me don't get cute. Don't get cute. Don't get smart. Don't get cute. I'm like, those are the two things I want to be. Cute and smart. Okay. Let's do this one. I'll do Greg's Charles Barkley's vested on Obama playing golf. We'll do a quick one of that again. Oh, damn. I missed it. Oh, that was just terrible. That was terrible. That's all I got is the one word. Terrible is so funny. That was a terrible golf shot. Sloan, what do you think? You know, you brought your head up. You know, you got to keep your head down. You know what I'm talking about? It's a good. Well, I don't. This putt's going to wait for a minute.

45:39We got a guest. We got a guest. He's going to wait for a minute.

45:46You're not allowed in the gym. Don't give yourself an annual. so everything's going to hurt you permanently. I'm interviewing you now. What do you mean when you say it's going to hurt you permanently? What are you talking about? Well, because he's going to fight Mr. T and he's going to hit him so hard it's going to hurt him permanent. Well, I'm taking a page from David Svane. We're going to hurt him permanently if they don't get their act together. We know how to hurt him. We're going to do it. We're going to do it. That's great. All right, that's good. That was one of the greatest. That's one of the greatest.

46:18That was buzzing around, if you didn't know it. Sponsored by 5-Hour Energy's Firework Freeze flavor, the iconic red, white, blue freezer pop flavor you crave with none of the sugar. Spark a tasty frustration. That's nice. With all the Firework Freeze 5-Hour Energy. Yeah. Keep going. Available online at 5hourenergy.com and Amazon. Really? Yeah, yeah. Hmm. Interesting. We got to get Barkley on. I sort of knew Barkley in the old days. You know, we got Luke Wilson coming on, so that'll be really fun. That's awesome. Yeah, Barkley would be great. He hosted SNL. Actually, I was there when he hosted one of them.

46:57I mean, if... I think I signed the books. I think somehow I was coming through that show, but I wasn't on the show. I don't know. I know we did Gap Girls, and he was... We made him a girl, a Gap Girl with long braids that I'm at the Gap, and I'd say, oh we all played there was a slumber party we played spin the bottle and i wound up making out with a chick and then i go oh my god she's here and it was barkley as a girl hey it's don't let's not be weird about the crowd went crazy crazy and they went wow wow uh okay and stallone i'd like to get on uh stallone's awesome i was just actually watched cliffhanger in the last week where he's up in the mountain.

47:47Hey, hang on to the rope. Hang on. You better hang on to the rope. They're going to drop you down there. Look at me when I'm doing the frame. I'm hanging. It's like this. And John Lithgow was the bad guy. He was amazing. I think I like... Over the top is where it got a little itchy when he was the under the arm wrestler that was Oh, yeah, he was the professional arm wrestler. He was trying to wrestle with, and there's always stakes, the money to buy a new truck. Because I got my kid who's deaf or something. Sloan's movies are just nice and clear, easily digestible. That's what's fun about them.

48:34Yeah, I got to win this tournament and my kid going to get an operation. I'm going to get a cochlear earplant implant. Auclear? Cochlear. Cochlear? All right. He goes, prove it wins. And the kid looks over and he goes, kid goes, I don't know how to do it. I didn't hear the thumb. I don't know. I can't hear the crowd. And he goes, the kid goes, yay. Turn it up. I would have been terrible at that. You like that noise. It's for a UFO. That is good. I guess they're threatening to come out and tell us something, but I haven't heard anything. I've heard those. The government, they keep saying that. I wouldn't, I would, I'm still scared of UFOs, even though I look at them all the time.

49:21Okay, so now, what is this, night gallery? No one does. Good evening. My name's Alfred Hitchcock. What you've seen on this podcast is a terrible, terrible affront to humanity. Worse than murder. Worse than any crime you could ever. That's right. I'm talking to you, David Spade. Or should I say, Joe Dirt. Sounds like Michael Caine. I don't know. Alfred Hitchcock was famous back in the 1960s. He directed Psycho. So don't write us letters. Oh, shit. We better do a couple news stories. We're getting late in the game. Oh, news story. I thought, okay. Are we over? We're almost done. Let's just see. Okay.

50:10Schools had to remove analog clocks because teens couldn't tell time. I kind of believe this. Yeah, that would make sense. Their whole life, it's just been digital on their phone. They don't know cursive. I was joking the other night that the Super Bowl has to get rid of Roman numerals because no one fucking knows what they, you know, kids don't know real numbers. They don't know clocks. You think they know what, they're like MCX, CX, Charlie. They don't know anything. I go, they don't use them in Rome. I mean, guys, it's over. It's over on Rome. Yeah, let's let go of that particular motif of history.

50:47All right. That's a wrap. Yeah, don't do the numbers in Apache. All right. The Super Bowl is the only one still clanging on to the Roman numeral. Traditions. All right, babe. Next story That was a good one That was good See Dumb kid story I like it

51:07Alright Here we go I can't read that If you do this Please let me know That was a wedding I would walk faster If I was fully on fire Well isn't that CGI Are they Stomp Men or something Stomp Men get married I'm guaranteed But still That was too long to watch. That's a good look. I mean, even if... I thought, first of all, they just got accidentally lit on fire. But you're not hustling enough. And even if you're a stuntman, I'd sort of go, did we get it? We got the picture? Put me out. It was always kind of interesting. You're on a movie set and someone's going to get lit on fire. That's so true.

51:56There was a lot of rules. there's some tension you know and you say the stunt man you ready you walk up because you're an actor and they have to talk to you you ready and they're like yeah get out of my way dude you're like yeah i wouldn't do it i once was talking to my stunt double and he was about to take a car hit and i'm just standing next to him like i'd do it you know but insurance you know i'm over there like fucking miss priss going can you walk down the stairs for me after this you have high heels on for no reason i had to do a in the wrong missy i had to do a handstand i think when i'm with this girl i get nervous i show her i can do a handstands and i actually walk and i hit a window and flop out and drop two stories and uh the guy had to do it i had to do a handstand and then the guy had to walk and then fall out the window and he did it like a champ and then racked up so many views on tiktok Don't add up to Monetary money No, but some You get a taste God, we really BS And then the news gets pushed aside I know the clips We'll have extra for next week Let's see what this bullshit is Oh, I like this So a guy comes in a bar Let's play it again Start from the top The guy comes in a bar And he's being an asshole Okay.

53:22And so the bouncer says, stop. The guy goes, don't, don't touch me. And the bouncer doesn't give a shit. And then he says, Oh, you're close. And why are you, why are you touching? I'm not touching you. Mr. Bald man. Why are you touching me? First of all, that's a, you cannot call me bald, but you are bald, Mr. Clean. So I was trying to order food. Why are you touching me? I'm not touching you. I want to get folded like a launcher right now. I do jujitsu. Yes, I do. You do. Yes, do you? Watch this move. Keep touching me. Keep touching me. So far, I'm very intrigued.

54:02Show me. Oh, no, my boy. You're in trouble. The confidence my man walked up with that. After he threatened him, that was way too calm of a reaction. Brad said, you know Jiu Jitsu? Brad had a smile on his face like he'd been waiting for someone to try to play with him. and the cherry he shows a picture watch it again he pulls out his phone and his screensavers him at a tournament with two other jiu-jitsu guys with medals and the guy talking to him goes oh so here's my question so there wasn't an actual fight he was just intimidated he was like oh you want to fight me oh jiu-jitsu yeah I love it I love it so much I teach it.

54:50And the guy was like, oh. Sure, no. I was a bit rude because I'm pedantic. I ate a chili pepper a half hour ago. I'm working on my temper. Yeah. Well, you've got to think of your thing, you would say. I'll do it to you. Hey, man. Hey, look at you. Shave temple. What's your problem, dude? Get me a table. You know Shushishu? Do you have a Shih Tzu dog? Oh, I'm sorry, man. You're too... Go picture my Shih Tzu dog. Hey, I apologize. I love him. He gets excited. The guy keeps freezing it. Well, Mr. Clean, you want to get folded in half was pretty good. I know. I should have beat him up anyway, just for saying that.

55:39Yeah. You don't call me Mr. Clean. You call me Mr. Dirt. But if I'm ever threatened to any worse, you'll know what you do, too. What do you say? I say, you know the judiciar? What? And I go, bless you. You know Gesundheit? What? You know Gesundheit? What? Do you know Achoo? Oh, boy. Maybe we should end on that 10 out of 10. Yeah, yeah. That probably baked the cake on this podcast. Did that bake the cake?

56:15We should meet the listener that's still here at the last No, this is where the gold is The sloppy gold is at the end Because we get a little sloppy Yeah, because we're tired Punchy We're a little more punchy Not tired, punchy I've been loading boxes all day Now you've got to go back to unpacking some kind of Frying pan here Iron here It's the only water I get all day At least you have good Your little studio is pretty cool now Yeah, I got the studio And we might do it in here one day And we have a possible band coming on soon And they wanted me, you, and them And that's five in here And I'm like, I don't know if we can fit Company Oh wow, can't even fit five?

57:01I think we've never done five people total Hmm Who was the last one in the studio? Go Was it Brendan Frazier? Probably. Maybe. See Pressure, everybody. It's a really good movie, or you can get it on live streaming. On streaming, sorry. Streaming. I know. It's a very cool movie. It's great. I think Busboys is going to one of these streamers in November. I'll tell you more later. So first the theatrical release, then whatever it's doing now, and then it'll officially have a home on a streamer. Yes. Damn, monetize much? And I'll tell you about something animated next week. But anyway, thank you for coming, Dana.

57:47Thanks for coming home. Sorry you had to do this in the other room at my new house. No, I'm glad. I was just somewhere and someone tapped me on my shoulder and said, get in the room and do the podcast. I said, okay. I think people are going to ask for more horse videos. So next week have something ready. Oh, I'll do. I could do a ton. A little clip, you know, something. If they want to see how the horse evolves, I mean, every 10 days it could be a different horse. I think that horse, that picture of the two was so nice the other day. It gives you good vibes. So anything about the horse people like, it's nice vibes.

58:18Well, yeah, it's the opposite of the crazy world we live in. It's just a sweet horse. Go on and do not get me started. Okay, buddy. Bye, guys. Thank you. Bye, everybody. Thanks for coming.

58:35All right, listen, if you're enjoying the Fly on the Wall, of course, hopefully you are, click follow. We don't want to be desperate, but obviously smash that goddang button on your favorite podcast app. Leave a review, a good one. Leave a five-star rating, nothing else. Whoops. And maybe even share an episode with a friend. If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe, Dana. What do you think? I'm going to tell you this right now. Hear me now and believe me later. Fly on the Wall, believe it or not, is presented by Odyssey. And executive produced by, hold for it, Dana Carvey and David Spade.

59:12Or David Spade and Dana Carvey. We don't write this stuff. Heather Santoro, Greg Holtzman, and Leah Reese Dennis. The show is edited by Evan Cox. With production support from Phil Sweet.