Concert AFFAIR & David is Gifted a Meteorite by Dana White

0:00Oh, we've always, we've never ended. Oh, sir, we've already started. Oh, we're starting. Trust me. Yeah, this is. And we don't really shoot out of the cannon at the beginning. La-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, but everyone knows. So I have a coat on. That's good. That's the first order of business that everyone's psyched about. And then Dana might have a new something in the background. People ask me sometimes, you know, when we're not on, they say, what's Stuff in Spades background? What's it about? Here's my reaction. I don't care. I don't even look at him. You think I'm looking at the background?

0:41Here's a good one eye shot. I don't know. Here's one. You ever been around a Karen? You know a Karen? Yeah. Where the elbow's up and the one eye's closed. Excuse me. Okay, we were here a half hour ago and I do not have a glass. That's Chardonnay. All right. karen's karen's the worst term i know what is it for men who are kind of dicks dick a dick or a doug do we have a name of a guy we don't have a karen equivalent do we i there's there probably is i haven't heard it because no one would dare call me because it would be lights out never i've said this before never do a tv show and call it lights out because then when the lights go out it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy which was my favorite talk show by the way right we should have called it lights never go out yeah if we do it again we'll call it lights on and then you'll be like and then they'll go well the light's out for lights on either that or just call it uncancellable welcome back to uncancellable if that's a word oh it's a ken someone says it's a Ken.

1:56A Ken. Karen and Ken. And what are the characteristics of a Ken? I'm offended by both. You get offended easily. Yeah. You know, not to be critical or judgmental, but you're easily, you're kind of like, you know, bold. I'm offended by you criticizing me being offended. I can't. Look, I flunked algebra in high school. I don't need these kinds of questions. Dude, everyone's been asking about my fantasy football draft. All right. I want to know because I want to see if I can possibly understand what that Faiak you're talking about. It's the one where I thought it was two minutes between rounds, but it was eight hours.

2:37Yeah. On DraftKings. And so I'm not done. I haven't seen you in a week. I'm not done. I'm not even close to done. I've made about 12 picks. It's so, I wouldn't say interesting, but it's more infuriating because it nags at you. You're like, wait. and it doesn't alert you. So I just look on. It's like, oh, you're up in 21 picks. I go, oh, better hold tight. That could be six weeks from now. So sometimes it picks up a little bit. God, Heather's such a disaster. The whole place is falling apart. Is Heather doing the dishes in the background? Heather's doing the dishes. No, she's trying to stay awake during the story.

3:13She just fell out of her chair. She's loading it. Anyway, that's the story. I'll play therapist on your fantasy football. yeah um david um yeah do this fantasy for 12 picks as a um answer me this what are what what are you getting out of this behavior what do you think it's my dad left me god you can you struck gold right away my dad left me is like the answer to every question yeah i think it's an escape fantasy fall is a good escape from the chaos of all the stuff going on in the world well that's a great answer and i totally get it what i i didn't think of this phrase and people ask me things that i do bring candy why'd you watch that show bring candy why'd you play guitar oh it is yeah just you got a chatterbox the world's on fire we're all gonna die and then you go to bring candy for you it's like number 33 from the chicago bears david spade picks flill flight nike yeah and then he does badly and it ruins my whole week yeah it's fake it's drama that has it can actually make you mad and that's it's like golf or something like i golf then you can actually i don't get quite as mad at golf as you would think uh when i screw up but when when i fantasy football you get your buddies and you guys all get in arguments it's it's so ridiculous i think that ritualizing fun things and having your brain decide that it actually matters when it really doesn't like my brother was so into the 49ers when the 49ers would play he'd build up a ritual shrine i mean the whole room was too much and then he got a puppet of joe montana oh boy and on third and long, he would do kind of an exorcist type thing.

5:05You go, the power of Joey compels you. The power of Joey compels you. Hut one, hut two. The power. And he would throw it at the TV. Usually it would fly over the TV. And then if he scored - Oh, and it helped throw the ball? Yeah. The power of Joey compels you. This little Joe Montana. And then if Joe scored a touchdown, he had a 49er football helmet full of beer. It was a special thing. And everyone had to take a drink of the beer so i go yeah this is like a small life this guy's making something pretty exciting people do make sports a big deal and it is fun i do like football season i will tell you not to change subjects but i might have a solution to these ice raids everyone's mad about ready all right it's a horrible solution okay heather looks up all ears heather can't wait a solution to the ice raids go because because in california it's a big deal so they they've been coming around and they take people and they put them in a van.

5:57You don't know for sure what's going on. So maybe if they just made one tweak, instead of immigrants, they grab homeless people. Then they throw them in the van and we don't know where they took them. And then they're all gone. What? It's not a... I mean, I don't know how many people would fight it. It's like, oh, so... Your words, not mine. Now, your idea is to substitute illegal aliens for homeless people and you never know where they went. Is that your plan? Your words, not mine. That's your plan. I plead the fifth. I would say you know, they talk about Epstein Island, just homeless island and have it be fantastic.

6:43Take an island out in the Pacific, make it beautiful condos, everything. We have about 70 ,000 in California and just say do you want to do it fantasy life cruise you know sure go out there um i mean the billions they're paying or throwing away or not using it's like you have all these billions and billions is a lot of money so say we're going to rent all the carnival cruise ships and we're going to say take everyone here and then they have or take them out to burning man and set up a whole camera i don't know i used to do a trump thing they need ice you got to have ice they say the glaciers are melting i know how to make ice i can make a lot of ice.

7:21I'll take all the ice from the Trump Hotel. I'll put them on the Carnival cruise ship. They're friends of mine. I know these people. We make glaciers. Actual ice. Actual ice. You can get all the ice from the Trump Hotel. There's a lot of ice. I can tell you that. I can promise you that. It's a tremendous amount of ice. You put it on the Carnival cruise ships. They go up to Antarctica and they make glaciers. Oh, they add it? That's not a bad idea. She's got a lot of questions for my bit. Well, we were just talking about the other ice. great i'll put down my pit number jesus dana we'd like to uh talk cross-examine your bit i have a quick thing for us today this was this little dovetail so uh that the only way to solve the epstein thing is to have everybody go in and testify like anybody famous they go in and testify now mr pitt is that your real name yep have you to your knowledge your words not mine my words you're darts ever been on the epstein island nope and why do you say that because i was never on the island all right well chair i dismiss mr pitt that's a good plan it's brad pitt yeah now my next one is mr schwarzenegger uh were you ever on epstein island no no because i don't like islands i only like land mass no gym i like this that he says i prefer land mass i like land mass i don't like little girly islands i like land mass well all right i hear you is he dismissed i guess so i don't want to work these bits out because i know you're going to join in and they'll just be sort of fun.

9:14I know. They kind of run. I like it. I go to an island and I do coconut curls. You can work out wherever you go. Do you know that I... I like when I hear other people do Arnold, it makes me happy. It's so bad. Mine are always bad. This isn't better than talking. I actually used to do this 20-minute bit called Predator Island. This is pre-Epstein. Where all the kind of cancelled men would go and that would be hosted by Arnold. Welcome to Predator Island. where we take care of all the predator people. Look, there's Woody Allen. What are you doing here? Yeah, because, you know, we think that, you know, the charge is false, you know.

9:52Run. I lay down ground fire. Run, Woody. Run to the brambles. Wearing my khakis. Should have brought some sweats. Yeah, look. Rosie O'Donnell is in racist lagoon. Rosie O'Donnell. Look at Jussie Smollett. He's on Hoax Mountain. Hoax Mountain. I like that Lay down some ground fire So anyway That was my I like it You came literally loaded I am loaded Add a little extra in my orange juice My mom I'm worried Because sometimes she takes her dog's drugs I thought it was by accident I don't know if it's concerning Well wait a minute Sometimes she takes her dog's drugs? Well, like only like tramadol. Because I think she ran out and she hurt her leg.

10:50And she goes, it's the same thing. I'm like, I don't know. She goes, Davey, Davey, relax. It's just a pooch pill, Davey. It's just a pooch pill. We were all together on the 4th of July. She's like, Davey, go say hi to that lady over there. She said she was your biggest fan. Oh, why? You're going to keep eating lunch? I go, I'll go over there in a minute. Oh, I don't like when you get like this. These are fans. I go, I know. I literally, I'm always nice anyway. No joke. But sometimes it's funny because right now she's got me on the hook for two different things. And she's like, she's texting me up the wazoo about it.

11:32I go, Mom, oh, my God. People get to her and then they go, just tell them to do this. And she's like, done. parents, you know, parents, parents. And so having a child who got kind of lucky and free market America got on TV and then they just root for you. Like I had my career was like a roller coaster, you know, I was on a downslope. My parents would call me, they'd be on vacation in Montana. My mom would go, you sure got a lot of fans up here. Yeah, that's very nice. My dad would go, oh, Jesus Christ, you got a lot of fans up here. Yeah, I like it. It kind of picks you up because you think things aren't going good, and it's always like up and down, and they're always pulling for you.

12:17Ideally, but she is for sure. Well, and the good thing, too, is when you're on SNL, and you're dressed like a tomato or with a clown nose on and floppy feet, you're doing this goofy sketch, just check yourself for a second and go, look what I'm doing. Don't take it too seriously. I get paid to dress like a bagel? Yeah, I asked Jerry Seinfeld about that. I go, should I take it seriously? No! Well, what should I take seriously? Nothing! Why are you taking it seriously? I did hear him yesterday on Instagram. I love Jerry. Going like, nothing matters. This is his latest advice. It's just, it doesn't matter.

12:55Like these things, these people that you think hate you, they'll be gone soon. Everything will just be gone. You'll be gone. It will be gone. It's all gone. It's stoicism. It's a way to not take this life too seriously. And really, this is a fact. I looked it up. That in the next 150 years, 8 billion people will die. And then they'll be dead for at least a trillion years. Jesus. Brought to you by bummer. Let's go to a commercial.

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14:32All right, I want to show one thing that's probably on our videos. It was a Coldplay concert. It was like yesterday, but whenever it was. You know how they show the kiss cam in the audience? Oh, yeah. So they show this guy. Fine, they're just jumping around. Oh, look at these two. All right, come on. You're okay? Oh, what? Busted. Either they're having an affair or they're just very sharp. That's Chris Martin. And they say it looks like they were having an affair and they both got popped. Well, let me see it again. Let me see it again. Cause that, that I want to see the, okay. They're on, they see shit.

15:10Yeah. Yeah. That's an, that's. Immediately he disappears. He dropped something to hide.

15:18So he's a CEO of a big company and it's not confirmed. I'm just, I'm just going to say putting that camera on them and what Chris Martin said is more than that. it's a cold play brother oh fuck yeah yeah i did that that's where he got the name cold play because he would always embarrass people in the audience he said i think i'm gonna name the band cold play we put cameras like make fun of them i don't know i don't do a chris martin but you know who else it felt like something that mr freeze would do mr freeze i freeze you mr freeze i put the freeze camera on you. Now you're diving to the headboard out of embarrassment because you're having an illicit fear.

16:02Run! I lay down ground fire. He played Mr. Freeze in Batman. And you know what? He was actually, that movie sucked of all the Batmans, but Arnold was great in Mr. Freeze. He was great. He was so committed. I missed the freeze. Did you hear the Tommy Lee Jones, Jim Carrey story where no jim carrey comes in he tommy lee jones is this serious actor he's playing two-face and jim carrey's playing the joker the riddler something ridiculous yeah uh he's the riddler i believe yeah and he said on one of his days off he went to a restaurant he saw him this is i it sounds true i don't know i gotta ask i'll let you know jim sees him and goes up to him and says hi to him and his table and he says it's been so fun doing this acting in this movie with you and he goes you sir are not an actor you sir are a clown i am an actor and i'm in a movie with a clown we are not the same that's awesome i've heard that story so many times let's ask jim carrie i heard the same story but i think what it was is that he was having dinner with casey casem and he said that to him and then casey said let me answer this you sir are not an actor you are a clown that's all you'll ever be i'm casey casem and checking in at number five prime rib and then scooby under the table give me a right scooby thinks he's an actor scooby is an actor What do you think, Scoob?

17:45Ground. Ground? Clown. Oh, clown. Scooby has trouble with his L's. I couldn't think faster. I think Q &A with Shaggy and Scooby is good. And then the audience could try to figure out what the fayuck you're saying. Scooby, who do you think's a better actor? Al Pacino or Robert De Niro? Which one can I say better? Rarino Rarino Robert De Niro Oh Pacino I said what you said Oh at the end Oh Pacino I see Oh that's a good one man Thanks for that God same amount of syllables Scooby was fucked on that one Scooby Who do you think's a better actor Scoob Let's see Don't put Scooby on the spot Christopher Walken Or Leonardo DiCaprio Rio it's easier to say Rio no I give me a DiCaprio as Scooby no Scooby I said Rio because Leo's easier to say as Scooby

18:59you don't want to rip on his voice box Jesus Christ well I'm giving I've cast you as Scooby and being Shaggy but you do a great Shaggy so sometimes I'll do a okay I'll do it Who's a better actor? Christopher Wait What the fuck? Christian Bale Or Benicio Del Toro I don't know He doesn't know I didn't know he couldn't have an opinion Look everybody I'm working right now He goes You got any snazzy juice? He doesn't want to get a quiz he wants to fucking sausages that's what dogs like i don't know scoob i don't like i don't like this whole bit it's run into a ditch let's get that

20:00zoinks that's a good one yeah i should use that more zoinks well scoob i'm scared there's ghost following us what what should we do zoinks what does zoinks mean it means a lot of things no but casey casem is the guy doing it but yeah but scooby is higher you're right and my highest compliment i guess were some comments like hey man the dude sounds exactly like casey casem not knowing that casey casem was shaky but shaggy goes a little higher octave like scoop scoop he kind of breaks. He's always scared. Oh, Scoob, yeah. Shaggy's kind of a puss. Is Shaggy always on fucking drugs or something? He looks like a burnout.

20:45Well, they made him into kind of a hippie burnout. Let's go to the sphere. Scoob, I suddenly have double vision. I don't think I want to ride the Matterhorn today. Scoob, did you have those mushrooms? Ruh-roh. Ruh-roh is the most famous rut row is the most famous we never do it rut row all right let's do more hot stories yeah that's that's it hmm oh so britney who we like uh britney did an instagram post where she said um that she adopted a kid and uh but what is exactly the reaction is this well first of all we love britney but at some point when she was semi locked down maybe it wasn't a horrible idea maybe they know more than we know as an outsider that maybe she needs a little guidance well the what i love about the byline oops i didn't adopt a Kenner, dog, dot, dot, dot, quote.

21:55Just having fun online. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Well, I don't know if the team does that after or she does. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, I know. The team. We were talking about the other day. It is amazing how much I hear that freaking word. Team. My team. Your team. If I'm on a corporate date, wherever I am. Anybody. Our team will get back to you. You have a team. You have a really big team. You're looking at the beginning and end of my team. I don't have a team. You're my team. Heather's my team. I do answer for you a lot. You know, I have residual Casey Kasem voice. Heather's my team. You're my team.

22:35Sometimes I do a voice and I can't get out of it. When we do, we're doing Yamava Casino down here in LA. Yeah, let's promote that. Yamava Casino, one night only. Dennis Farflow and David Spudler with all their wacky shenanigans. There you go. So does Dana still need, we heard he needs his raisins cut in half and a bowl. And I go, yep. I just talked to him. I'm his team. And that's what the team says he needs before he can go on. He can't do one impression without it. Yes. What's your ritual one minute before you go out so the fans can know? You have one minute, Mr. Spade. Ketchup, mustard, ketchup, mustard.

23:16actually what I do do is I usually go in the bathroom of the dressing room if people are there and I don't want to kick them out it's going to the bathroom I look at my notes and I go I got to figure out the first minute what's going on right when I visualize what's going on out there what are you going to say you can get spooked like a horse if you don't know what's going on you get thrown right away it's hard to get it back so go out there think on the first joke think of something about the city or whatever I want to do just about that before I sort of get into a groove but if you get it if you get if you come out on solid footing then you can do better sometimes you get thrown by something in the audience the lights are too bright or something you're like uh-oh what's yours i'd say that i sort of peek around the curtain and try to catch a vibe oh you do if there's a lot of hubbub a lot of energy then you're like a little earlier when they announce the show and the lights go down and the opener's on i go look to say oh they're doing great yeah earlier i'm in an ice bath in the dressing room you're in ice bath from noon to five just to wake myself up but um i would say nothing defeats like if you can have second show energy in our first show because when you have to do a second show which is is more than twice as hard seconding you just you just have that mode of like i just did that you know i mean you're you're much more of a good not judging yourself out there i think it comes up for the first show because listen we've all done the road where you do two shows a night is very common on weekends and we all did even in the old days the heyday of clubs three on a saturday but to get your energy up it sounds like you don't we're very mellow but if you do that and you can't help but come off the adrenaline goes down a little bit and then you kind of level off and you've got to bring it back up.

25:08It's very weird on the body. You start to sleep and then you go, oh my God, I got to get back up again. I would say that what I do when I walk out there is I try to do something that makes me laugh to myself. And so for a while now, they asked me, what do you want to go on to? So for some reason, I just, no reason except that it makes me laugh, that my theme when I come out is Suspicious Minds by Elvis Presley. Yeah, great song. And the song, the crowd's always really happy and sometimes i start singing it with them we can't go on together and so then i'm just thinking this is remember how ridiculous it is what we do goofy songs are good to come out nobody gonna break on my stride i think i came out to that once that's funny nobody gonna break my stride it just puts them in a goofy mood right from the beginning i used to have zeppelin and it was great but actually the energy of a loud zeppelin song is almost too much energy to follow because it's too good i would say the zeppelin's the greatest but probably the greatest heavy metal intro to a song and to your point it almost overwhelms the set i stopped using it was inner sandman by metallica and it just bill it's so fucking awesome but then it's like it's such a thing and then and then and then it quiets and it's just a single voice what's up what's up des moines hi guys hi i went to the cornfields today when i hear someone do garth it makes me laugh harder than when i do it yeah i mean while the crowd's going tonight take my hand

26:53never never land hi i'm garth i'm happy now hi i bought a snow cone at your dairy queen today yeah i like to get jamoka almond fudge because it doesn't stop with jamoka you also have the fudge at the end i like when sherry i know i gave her that barbara walters at baskin robbins yeah you know you're trying to think of all the flavors yeah and that's she came up with it like that she jumped right on it like a sherry who I don't think is on yet. I'm flying the wall, but it's very soon if it's not. I think we got Sandler up right now. I can't tell if this is going to air in 2026. I'm so confused.

27:38I know. Hold me. Believe me, the audience just clicks and goes, I hope these assholes are funny. We don't even know what's going on. I always want to remind the audience, first of all, subscribe that groups button. Sorry. Smash that bite. Smash it. Smash it. And always remember, you can fast forward or you could turn us off, you know. Just, or listen to the whole thing. You have options and it's free. Yeah, and we do the commercials too. It's really, it's unbelievable. And we read the commercials are so great. I like when people go, commercials are the funniest part. I go, well, that's concerning.

28:13That's kind of a compliment. It's funnier than our trying to be funny parts. You know what the best part of the show is, is when you guys are wrapping up and it's almost over. I love that part. You know what? I usually start with the credits and then I turn it off. You know what I do is I have it on the background when I'm cooking and then after a while I turn the sound off and I'll see it a little bit. Yeah. It's really good with the sound off. You know what your show is good for? When I'm cooking, I have the TV on the background and then I have the podcast on in the background for the TV. What I do sometimes when I need a break is I put on Angel Hour Pasta and I put it in and it's a two minute.

28:50and you got to really focus. You go over to it's gummy. So for that two minutes, I'm totally focused on the pasta and I don't have to listen. That stupid podcast. The good thing about your podcast is if I listen long enough, you'll yell some joke that's so dumb. Then I go, okay, finally they hit something. And then it flatlines for about 22 minutes. Yeah. The great thing about your podcast is that at a given moment, I can tell that you're both really phoning it in. And that kind of makes me smile. someone told me on the credits it looks like Spade really phoned it and this time I go I've been phoning it in since day one I've got bad news yeah and what is the problem with phoning it in it just means you're relaxed yeah I go do you have a phone what are you from 1980 I have a cell phone why are we having this ongoing war actually someone asked me what my sound machine was called that one that makes all the noises okay let's it's called soundboard it's hysterical though but it's easy laughs I want to pitch something first of all I don't think anyone can totally monopolize and have a monopoly on those little sounds so I'm saying David and Dana's oh yeah soundy soundboard yeah call it something else soundy woundy or whatever I go you can have sounds like this if Sidney Sweeney walks in the room do you hear that yeah but put it further on the mic give it a little louder okay you get a boner yeah when dana does a joke

30:32yeah we could just put some classic ones in there like get to the chopper you know i could do some just one off kind of thing. Why do I not have, every time I think I'm on a word. It's so funny and I have it and you don't. When Dana does a bad joke. Kong. When Dana does a joke that he thinks is funny.

30:58I had the wrong one. No, here's Dana. Here's Dana when he closes the Yamaha Casino.

31:11such a gift we gotta figure out who's gonna open I like to open but you like to close I don't care I'll do whatever you want I'm your opener man we're both there you know what you said the other day that was funny we said something that was a bit murky and you said it's a murk fest did I you're funny thank you for keeping track of my funniest side every couple weeks you say something funny I scribble it down okay uh what's going on the next story

31:43top tier ai employees at meta which is juckerberg will earn a base salary of a hundred million what with bonuses of up to 300 million a year i can safely say we're in the wrong business there's no way wait offering compensation it's up to so i mean you might only get 50 million You might only get nothing. But the base of$100 is nice. But what are you - Oh, is it base? Yeah, that's your salary. Wow. Hi, I'm Mark Zuckerberg. So what I'm going to pay you is$100 million a year as a base salary, and then you can earn bonuses of up to$300 million per year. Where are you going? What did you get at your last job?

32:29I got$32 ,000 a year with no bonus. Okay, we're going to up that to$100 million? And the nerds are like, okay, that sounds good. $100 billion and then maybe$300 billion bonus. Thank you so much. I'll just be going to my car now and call my wife. It's a world where everybody feels poor because there's things like that. They're like, oh, should I be getting$100 million at my job? No truer words have ever been spoken by you, David. So true. The constant onslaught of people on 500-foot-long yachts and just Sodom and Gomorrah parties and jets and money and power, it just makes people feel bad about it.

33:13It should be banned. There's always people making way more, but there's always people making less. It's an illusion. It's an illusion. Most people are struggling at some level. It reminds me of Superman. man, there's a tear in the Earth's fiber, and there's a prism of a black hole. Is that in the movie? I haven't seen it yet. That's what I got from it. Oh, you haven't seen it yet? Oh, you don't want to know? Toy boat, toy boat, toy boat. You don't want to know who wins? Okay. Lex Luthor?

33:46Martin Luther Lex? Oh, yeah, we can't talk about it until you see it. um sometimes i will because i want to be transparent on this podcast i'll wiki and get kind of like when i watched the last mission impossible so much confusion that i just did look at that okay there's a thing that has to connect to the thing so once in a while yeah once in a while it's okay to kind of know if it's a very confusing movie i assume superman's pretty straightforward but with you you get a little tired here's the impression of you watching Superman in the theater. What's going on? I don't really get it. I don't understand.

34:26Who does the dog belong to? Who are the bad guys? What's the guy with the weird head? Is that a dog? Why is the dog here? Is it lost? Where's the enigma? Is that only in the other movie? Yeah. Impossible Superman should be. They could make that with AI. Just take those two movies and make Impossible Superman. Tom could help. Maybe you'd have Tom Cruise in there. Oh, I can't tell you anything about it. Let me just tell you this one thing. I read all the comic books as a kid, okay? I like people to go. I'll tell you one thing. This doesn't even give away anything. This won't give away anything. So tell me that one thing.