David's Drunk Texts + Escort Demand Skyrockets!

6:59Jon Lovitz:yeah but he also sometimes goes a little may west what do you got you know so come on up and see me sometime right that one yeah he he does when he when he misses a shot he goes balderdash he's got the good opera voice to get these certain words out as man acting yeah tales of

7:26Dana Carvey:yes he has one of the loudest he can just say well i had a there was construction i had something that that measured the sound at our house and i i got up close to john and he was louder than a 747 decibel meter yeah it was like 125 world record okay i have a good story for you all right here's

7:47Jon Lovitz:the story cuddle up no i don't cuddle but relax uh so here i am dave spade i go out this weekend yeah pop pop pop boop boop go to dinner my nights i would say it's uneventful but i don't have to say they're all uneventful so i come home i think i went to tower bar for a drink right so i come home good so there's a slight amount of activia in my night it's not much 12 midnight roughly i get a voice text from a young lady maybe young maybe not i don't know it goes as follows hey a little drunk hey are you dave i found your id on sunset and uh we're leaving this bar but i have it i don't know what to do with it if you want it you might not so i go well let me see well first i text back in the morning when i get that i go hey i don't want to leave my voice but i go hey was it an id or was it a credit card and they go i can't tell and i go you can't tell not a genius so I say well let me see and then I go and I go downstairs my wallet and I do have my ID but I was out and I was like and I was on sunset so I go oh well can you send a picture is it okay did you get it and I go no now I think it's a scam I didn't get the picture so I said well I don't know if this is a scam or what and then I walk over and I don't have my amex and now i'm like oh wait maybe it's my am i actually shockingly don't have one i only have two credit cards so i says i says i says tomorrow he says i have a question but you can i know though i know your question then i finally have the question everyone's thinking wait how do you have my number exactly and so she writes back uh oh she didn't say anything so i go scam i drive off anyway photo comes through finally twice so she did send it here's the photo go it's a miley cyrus miley world official fan club id it's not even my picture it's miley but my name's on it expires in 2008 so i write back they found this yeah texted you so i don't know if you can tell it's not you don't know if it's a credit card for my you don't know so i say you know what i could probably live the big emergency isn't will i be able to get into miley world this weekend the bigger one is how do you have my number because she didn't answer it okay so she says drum roll she says this guy mark hayes was following us around and bugging us and I know I'm RK he's a comedian so I go oh is he a comedian she goes I don't know he's not funny

10:57Dana Carvey:so like so I go well big night in your house a midnight I go so he gave you

11:05Jon Lovitz:I was thinking he should have just taken the card and called me you know like because I don't know him that well but seems like a good guy so yes he gives my number to her so I'm But by the way, so I listened to the message again and she's like, oh, it's late. And we were so kind of blocked anyway. Kind of hung over. But is this yours? I'm like, you're hung over, but it's midnight. You're not haven't woken up yet.

11:30Dana Carvey:You should be drinking. So you'll be hung over later if that's the goal.

11:35Jon Lovitz:And I'm fucking I'm too smart. I'm too smart. People say that I'm too smart. You can't pull the wool over my eyes for more than an hour. Ten, which was about an hour. and so mark hayes this work gets tricky mark sends a picture i i have it i didn't send it but sends a picture of the exact same miley id with his name on it he goes i just got this from somebody it's a scam so it's a scam but i think it's the lesson here dana because you're kind of a rube i'm writing it down yeah the lesson is if this is the new ai of when people text you and go Are we still playing pickleball tomorrow? And you go, no, I don't even play pickleball.

12:18Jon Lovitz:And they go, thank you for your info. Thank you for letting me know it's a real phone and we'll be draining your account.

12:26Dana Carvey:I want to give you a hack. You may not know this. Please go to sleep at night. David's Bay is going to sleep. Yes. Can he be disconnected from the world for eight hours? I don't know. That's a personal choice, but you may not know on your phone right here. You put it to silent. And then when you go to sleep, you don't hear anything and you sleep.

12:48Jon Lovitz:I do that. I do that.

12:50Dana Carvey:Well, how'd you get the ping?

12:52Jon Lovitz:I got it in the morning. Oh, this, you already slept all night.

12:56Dana Carvey:This was, yeah, yeah. I was eating my foster flakes. I missed the whole thing.

13:00Jon Lovitz:That's why when I looked at this voice, who calls you anyway? And calling it midnight. And then it said, when should I listen back? Play it back. And then she's like, and I'm kind of hung over. i'm like hungover murder she wrote doesn't add up well then it's in the oh because it was at midnight yeah so what i actually think the ai i think the girl was a i think the voice is ai i think everything was ai and heather did chat gpt and they said that and they said yeah it's that a scam is like the first thing that's worth something is if i answer if i answer and write back now they know i'm a real person and they will sell that if the next thing she was going to do is say is there any address your house i can send it to yep then they'll have your address and then they say um can you in chat gpt go fuck yourself so they say uh then they want just maybe some money for fedex to send it i get little bylines like uh you know you get a text message

14:07Dana Carvey:I don't really recognize phone number. Should I call you now or?

14:13Jon Lovitz:Right. I'll be in town tomorrow. Tomorrow. Will you be working or not? And you go, who is this? That's all you have to say is who is this?

14:20Dana Carvey:Yeah. So then I clicked on it, reported spam. Yeah. Goodbye.

14:26Jon Lovitz:I teach them a lesson. I go, take that. I reported spam.

14:29Dana Carvey:Yeah. I did that. Take that, motherfucker. And don't even contact me again. Then I realized it was you texting me.

14:37Jon Lovitz:Yeah.

14:37Dana Carvey:But I apologize for that.

14:39Jon Lovitz:I remember when I got one and said, hey, did I accidentally give you scabies yesterday? And I'm like, I think so. And they were like, this is a fucking AI, dude. You're not supposed to say yes, you have them. Dana, it's time for a little five-hour energy action.

14:55David Spade:Yes.

14:56Jon Lovitz:You know, I dabble in five-hour energy to do a little wakey-wakey. I don't mind a little energy in the day, and I don't want sugar. yeah and uh this is a little sippy sip fits right in your sock if you need it to when you see them they're this big yeah absolutely that's what's great about them

15:19Dana Carvey:confetti craze is one of their new flavors yeah it's like birthday cake I mean that's the thing that they're doing now is all kinds of flavors uh with five five hour energy so you can pick your favorite vanilla and buttery it doesn't need to be your birthday

15:36Jon Lovitz:because Dana when we're out you're always telling the restaurant your birthday to get something free

15:42Dana Carvey:right yeah yeah and and it's my anniversary again oh yeah you were milking that one last week you're

15:48Jon Lovitz:like it's that again this week yeah uh but 17 flavors when you're out you always take off your

15:54Dana Carvey:sweater and then you go it's kind of cold in here could I get a down vest I go it's kind of cold can i get a free meal i'm freezing yeah i mean it's sort of weird you're you're kind of you have

16:05Jon Lovitz:some picadillos yeah but confetti craze is great uh it's a little buttery it's a little vanilla

16:12Dana Carvey:it's like you know like birthday cake yeah and now basically they're giving you caffeine now five hour energy shots and get this sounds like a lot to me 17 flavors 17.

16:27Jon Lovitz:it's not too many it's a lot but at least it gives a big selection and you don't get a sugar crash you just get a little

16:41Jon Lovitz:so I'm excited they're on you can get these at you know obviously fivehourenergy.com you can go to Amazon they're stocking up I'm stocking up I have to load up because I kind of buzz through them pretty quickly cake on the brain confetti craze it's back uh you can go

17:02Dana Carvey:five energy.com amazon the funfetti flavor is back on five hour energy.com or amazon crack open confetti craze five hour energy shot today if you're like this and you gotta be like this it's five hour energy.

17:20Jon Lovitz:Yeah.

17:21Dana Carvey:Take that to the bank. Take it. You know, David, people keep asking about my 2026 resolutions. Yes, they do.

17:29Jon Lovitz:I've been one of them. I know what you're trying to say. The people keep asking about your 2026 resolutions. And I've got the usual ones.

17:38David Spade:Read more or read it all.

17:41Jon Lovitz:Hit the gym. Hit the gym. Learn how to crochet. Get the knitting needles out of the closet. Yeah. but this year the goal at the very top of my list is simple get comfy i've learned that from abby yeah and that's exactly where bombas comes in they're bringing next level comfort to uh my everyday essentials take the new bombas sports socks they're designed with sport specific comfort for everything from running hiking golf that's what i do skiing and i know you want to get back

18:12Dana Carvey:into running they got i would really want to get back into running honestly for sure

18:16Jon Lovitz:i do a lot of hiking yeah they're cushioned right where you need it most sweat wicking that's good

18:24Dana Carvey:is that good yeah it keeps the sweat away packs with tech that keeps you comfortable and locked in so comfy socks it's a great idea so for every day around the house

18:38Jon Lovitz:resolutions bombas has the comfiest footwear imaginable i've been living in their sherpa sunday slippers for things like weekend resets when i'm spring cleaning when i'm just doing this and that around the house honestly they look very squishy and uh you wouldn't know this but it's like walking

18:59Dana Carvey:on clouds underneath it all bombas yeah underwear and t-shirts yeah david they're flexible breathable and buttery smooth plus for every item you buy one is donated to someone facing housing insecurity

19:19Jon Lovitz:head over to bombas.com flywall and use code flywall for 20 off your first purchase that's b-o-m-b-a-s.com slash flywall code flywall at checkout speaking of speaking of ai sure

19:38Dana Carvey:this is what i put together this little alert maybe of future future world but yeah please glps ozempic glps they're exploding microdose this dose get a dose have a dose everyone's losing, losing weight. They get a Zempic face. AI today, 16 ,000 laid off from some other big company, 20 ,000 here, 40 ,000. In the near future, people on earth will be really skinny and unemployed. So just be people.

20:12Jon Lovitz:No job, but look great.

20:18Jon Lovitz:We're going back to the dinosaurs.

20:22Dana Carvey:I guess they can talk.

20:24Jon Lovitz:Yeah, they can still talk, I think. I like this extreme situation.

20:31David Spade:You want to go look for a job? No, I don't.

20:34Jon Lovitz:Just eating off a hummingbird feeder. That's my dinner. I like people to say they're not. One person told me, a famous person, who's skinny and looks great. I'm not doing Ozempic anymore. but i'm microdosing it well right i think you're still doing it microdose sounds like nothing like

20:58Dana Carvey:no that's just no it might be good if it keeps the weight off but you don't have a side effects

21:04Jon Lovitz:dosage matters in the old days they would swallow cotton balls like little um caplets like for vitamins filled with cotton and it would make your stomach full.

21:18Dana Carvey:Well, we've had two revolutions. One is the fast food revolutions, Kellogg Corn Flakes in the 50s. If you look at the movies in the 20s, 30s and 40s, there's a couple of fat people. Humphrey Bogart was 132 pounds. Spencer Tracy 148. He was the fat guy. Then this revolution came in, the obesity epidemic. Now we have the GOPs, but we also have AI, so we won't be able to work and we'll be skinny.

21:43Jon Lovitz:There was a page in the Guinness Book of World Records when I was probably 15 that said, I love that. The fattest guy in the world was about 500 pounds. And I'm like, that's three people on my street. That's two thirds of the grove when I go shopping. So I don't think you'd get the world record anymore for 500 pounds.

22:02Dana Carvey:I think Seinfeld, I don't think he could do this now, but something about a thousand pound man. What if he lost a hundred pounds? What do you say to him? bob you look great you're a rail you're a rail i remember that one yeah i think it was the two

22:20Jon Lovitz:guys on motorcycles and they had like mini bikes and they showed them driving from the back and they both weighed 500 pounds these twins and they might have been in the guinness book and they were like the two fatso brothers and then yeah what if he loses 100 you're a real

22:37Dana Carvey:oh yeah he's losing so much weight what are the big stories you got in your life stories or observations here's an observation all these data processing centers bill we need so much energy to power these generative intelligent ais building the 100 atomic bomb energy for an ai for one ai For one AI, one human being that's fairly smart just needs a snicker bar and they are rocking.

23:08Jon Lovitz:Yeah. So just an observation. Yeah. AI just to just to write, hey, are you playing pickleball this weekend?

23:17Dana Carvey:Right.

23:17Jon Lovitz:On a spam is 100 kilotons of energy. We're wasting energy.

23:24Dana Carvey:Our brains are pretty good. That's all I'm saying.

23:26Jon Lovitz:Did you see the guy climbing this thing? alex honnold for mid-honnold schwarzenegger alex handel the human ai yeah he said his paycheck

23:40Dana Carvey:was embarrassing mid six figures like maybe a half million to climb a skyscraper in singapore

23:46Jon Lovitz:that cat made more for that commercial on the right i'll just say this i'll put it out publicly

23:51Dana Carvey:i would have taken the elevator did 20 minutes of stand-up up top for 250.

23:55Jon Lovitz:i would have done elevator

23:57Dana Carvey:no stand-up 190 i would have put you in an elevator and then and held the rope why i repelled you down the building 10 000 for you i would have a selfie toward the top but on the elevator for 87.5 i would have made a realistic looking dummy that looks like you and hoisted it up from the other side of the building and then we split 20 grand okay i would have hung off the

24:24Jon Lovitz:first rung of the first building of the first floor and said eek a mouse and then let them take an embarrassing paparazzi picture for 15 five i would have got to the first place that you climbed to and just started crying i would have started climbing and gone oh shit wrong shoes let's do

24:43Dana Carvey:this tomorrow and then walked away you know it was hot with high winds and it took him four hours he thought it would take two so he said he it made it interesting dude he should have gotten at least

24:54Jon Lovitz:an m give him 1 million for that two four hours of grunting and groaning and using your lats and your back meanwhile jake paul got 50 million it's everyone says a different number but between 20 and 100 million to go run away from that guy get his job get his job broke i mean which one's more scary i mean i will i actually went out to singapore and when he came down he's coming out the building and everyone's like like that and i said i like pretty good man but ain't no el capitan no and then his face just dropped like yeah it's embarrassing on him you know the worst is like it's live and your kids watching going what happens if he

25:37Dana Carvey:plummets i know he's gonna be okay he's not superman he can do one of these you know and so it is kind of nerve-wracking to watch even though he's just hanging on and And I go, there's nothing tying him to the building. What the fuck?

25:56Jon Lovitz:And not to be morbid, but literally every single person wants him to fall. I mean, everybody's like, what if he falls? I mean, people are like, why is it live? Because he could fall.

26:08Dana Carvey:Well, that's why in old timey days, the lion tamer, you know, you kind of want the lion to swallow. Because he's in there. He's got a chair, you know. Remember on Ed Sullivan?

26:20David Spade:and re-right now amazing crystal bongo is going to go in and try to tame a lot pretty good right here in our shade here he is the magnificent kristin bongo lion tamer well anyone could do

26:34Jon Lovitz:ed sullivan he's got a whip and he's got like a folding chair and he's like duke why is he doing

26:40David Spade:all these old impressions no way they're gonna get ratings the first hundred comments are what's going on who are these people all right we've uh we've reached peak shriek i call it peak shriek

26:56Dana Carvey:where everyone's in a state of hysteria and i saw a guy the t-shirt peak shriek i don't mind looking at cantaloupes uh do you guys got any good cantaloupes here

27:09Jon Lovitz:not a joke just chilling oh yeah oh yeah i thought he was talking to sydney sweeney on

27:15Dana Carvey:and her new lingerie line, which made its way to my purview.

27:19Jon Lovitz:What's your purview mean? It made it to you, Heather? Yeah, me too. I mean, Heather makes sense.

27:26Dana Carvey:I just admire this.

27:28Jon Lovitz:Young, pretty girl gets a story about a young, pretty girl. But go ahead. What's your big hot take on Sydney Sweeney?

27:34Dana Carvey:Well, in the old timey days, there was sadness. It was Marilyn Monroe, James Mansfield, and this type of woman in the movies or in show business. and they didn't have control. The men controlled them and they ended up really not that rich. Now you got Sydney Sweeney out of my way. Boy, she's doing gene commerce. She's starting a huge global business while she's in her 20s. She's taking back all the power from other sort of whatever you would call them. What do we call our starlets? You know, our movie star women. Heather? Starlets. Starlets? Stars. Sex symbols, basically. actors stars sex actors sex symbols so anyway sydney sweeney is taking the power back and i like that i like now do you think in a movie in the negotiations yes more money to show boobs

28:24Jon Lovitz:because i sound crazy but that was a story on hallie berry and swordfish did you hear that she'd get 500 grand all where it was it was in the contract not sort of encouraged hmm i mean it would make sense i don't think sydney's really cares either way because she's done euphoria and all these movies but maybe it's getting to that point where she can say i don't

28:50Dana Carvey:want to do it give me a bump well she's kind of she feels like she's in control so she wants to go here's my boobs you know it's like it's not like she's under duress but with men you know they'd want them after arnold came out and ruined it for skinny men skinny movie actors you know You know, you got to take your shirt off. So a lot of men, they'd be like, we want you to put on 30 pounds of muscle and we want you to take your shirt off in the movie. They did it to Henry Winkler. He goes, no, I don't I don't think so.

29:20Jon Lovitz:He goes, hey, you know, I will tell you, I was flipping channels last night and I went to HBO before I knew the name. I shouldn't even tell you this because I'm going to fall right in your trap.

29:35Dana Carvey:I'm ready. I'm going to say a word that I've said before.

29:39Jon Lovitz:And I'm going to do the voice. He walks out of like a hut. It's obviously the 1600s. He just hooked up with someone who's older. He walks out, everybody's naked, and then he panned down, and he's got maybe a one-foot-long wiener. It's so...

29:57Dana Carvey:What movie is this?

29:59Jon Lovitz:Infuriating. It's something on HBO.

30:03Dana Carvey:I think it's hardcore porn, isn't it?

30:06Jon Lovitz:No, it's like the magic of Merlin. One of these weird shows.

30:09Dana Carvey:Anyway, it comes out. Night of the Seven Kingdoms, we're being told. Yes.

30:14Jon Lovitz:Oh, I'm sorry that Greg knows this because it's a screensaver. Anyway, that's the only thing I saw in the whole movie. And I go, this is trash. I was so angry. I rarely write HBO. I said, this is insane. This is impossible. No one is as big of a winner.

30:32Dana Carvey:I'm not like you. Like, if I don't really want to see a dick when I'm not warned that it's coming on some movie. You stop watching? Or a TV show. It's like, I'm never excited. Like, you were like, hey, cool, a wiener.

30:48David Spade:You know, I'm like, don't, don't, just let's, I mean.

30:51Jon Lovitz:Jumped on my heated rivalry group chat.

30:55Dana Carvey:Yeah. You know what that is?

30:57Jon Lovitz:The hockey show?

30:58Dana Carvey:Oh.

30:59Jon Lovitz:It's about two hockey players that are.

31:01Dana Carvey:that are also naked having a dalliance. Yeah. I'm old fashioned. I like that.

31:10Jon Lovitz:Anyway, so that was it. Wiener. Oh yeah. We can't pull it up because it's a, it's a work computer, but let me tell you something monstrous. And I said, Ooh, is this a, a dragon from the other movie? Is this game of Thrones? But the worst part was he came out to pee, but he has to grab it like a baseball bat. I go, that's enough. And then I watched 21 minutes. All right. So there's that.

31:41David Spade:Why are you excited by that?

31:43Jon Lovitz:By the way, no, I'm like mad about it. So also someone said in the comments, our fans should be called frequent flyers. That's not a bad name. That's not a bad joke.

32:01Dana Carvey:I can't believe Lovitz would put that in the comments.

32:06Jon Lovitz:Heather, do you like it or not like it? It's cute. It's cute. I mean, it's too hard to say flies. Fruit flies.

32:12Dana Carvey:Flyers. No, I think it's a nice little pun. It's concise. I like it.

32:19Jon Lovitz:Yeah, it's kind of out of the blue. I wouldn't really predict that one.

32:22Dana Carvey:I don't judge people. I mean, I've realized recently what a blood sport it is to judge other people about their lives when you don't know anything.

32:31David Spade:Well, why is David Spade wearing that white hat? What the hell does he think he's doing? If I had his money, I'd have a blue hat.

32:40Jon Lovitz:Yeah, that's true. I have a blue shirt. You know, I get worked up every day so much. There's a cement truck blocking my street the other day. And he just stands there and I go like this. First, I wait. I wait. I saw two minutes. Don't say a word. Great guy. And I'm on a hill killing my neck. And I'm waiting. It's my street. He's crooked. So you can't get around him. He's not doing jack shit. then I wait then a guy and then I go I wish there was a beep under a beep just like a little you know like like hey somebody's here we got to get by no one's anything then a dude walks out and he goes like this back it out to sunset back it out into sunset get I stop before I take uh

33:24Dana Carvey:take the road to your house. And I stop, I pull over and say a little prayer. And then I go up to your street because it's like, it's like ways and trucks and bam,

33:36David Spade:bam, bam, gunshots,

33:39Dana Carvey:smoke, fireworks. The apocalypse now. And then your gate opens.

33:50Jon Lovitz:And you see where Theo and Santa scratch their doors to open. him like a like tuna can that was when i first moved in and then i widened it because i was like

34:01Dana Carvey:oh my god i know you really widened it well i did but no one's paying attention they just pull in and they go uh well i don't back down it i don't play that game i don't you know i'm just uh i'm

34:13Jon Lovitz:gonna turn and turn and turn and then i go down dana's like this i'm a safe driver you know when George Siegel, I said, went on, just shoot me. I said, George, I saw you. I pulled up next to you on Holloway last night. And he goes, oh, no, was I like this? And he leaned over, like bent over on the steering wheel. He goes, that looked like an old man like this. I go, no, you sit up straight. And he goes, oh, good. But he was like that.

34:39Dana Carvey:Yeah, he was bent over.

34:40Jon Lovitz:And so was I.

34:41Dana Carvey:Hey.

34:44Jon Lovitz:All right. Should we start anything or do you want to say any final words?

34:47Dana Carvey:My stocks are holding up today. And I realized the market, the stock market's not reacting as much like we talked about Trump because he came out earlier and he said, we're going to take out the moon.

35:02David Spade:We're going to bomb the moon. We're taking out the moon. I never liked the moon. We're going to take it out. We're going to nuke the moon. That's what we're going to do because we know how to nuke it. And quite frankly, if you look at it, if you look at it and you think about it, we don't need the moon.

35:16Dana Carvey:You know, the market's like going up.

35:18Jon Lovitz:They like the idea of it.

35:20Dana Carvey:And earlier today, Biden came out. Why is it? What's his beef with the moon? What's his beef?

35:27David Spade:Let's get real.

35:29Dana Carvey:The fact of the matter is the moon never hurt him. I like the moon. And the people said what the moon just said. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. President.

35:36Jon Lovitz:I agree with him on that.

35:38Dana Carvey:Do people hate the puppets?

35:40Jon Lovitz:No.

35:41Dana Carvey:I don't read the comments.

35:43Jon Lovitz:No.

35:45Dana Carvey:That's pretty much what I got. All right, let's get to the hot takes.

35:50Jon Lovitz:What is this? Hold on before we do it. Okay. You remember Davos? Of course. Who goes to Davos?

35:59Dana Carvey:Oh, boy. World leaders? World leaders, giant billionaires, businesses. Just play the first 10 seconds of this. Yeah.

36:09David Spade:Paid adult companionship in a little town called Davos, Switzerland, has shot up by 4 ,000 % in the last few months. all you need to know i wonder why every year the world economics yes everyone needs a little fun time shark oh no okay farewell in a dune my wee spanish lady men with money escorts come in and

36:36Jon Lovitz:want the money is it legal or how can you be that shady it's probably hard to you're in a hotel with all the other world leaders you're like hey introduce us to your daughter i don't think it's

36:47Dana Carvey:ever my impression is it's never written down or really even spoke about you know hey would you like to have dinner okay i don't think it's they don't have pimps anymore do they it's it's all

37:01Jon Lovitz:it's all through i don't think huggy bear is walking around the wall i don't think

37:05Dana Carvey:i don't think some guys on the streets of davos man you want to get a date you know so yeah beating up some girl in the lobby

37:18David Spade:oh yeah farewell and he do shark go to davos businessmen in davos billion men got the money for ten thousand dollars you get the head the tail 13 000 men went in 2 000 came out for 2500 you get the lower body for 3000 you get the upper body for the whole damn thing it's 25 000 dirty why are we talking about this i don't

37:52Jon Lovitz:know we'll go to the next story that was all right let me just take a quick selfie of you

37:56Dana Carvey:for my Instagram.

37:59Jon Lovitz:Oh, this story. This guy got busted because reportedly selling his car on Facebook Marketplace then stealing his car back six times. Okay. Now, this story is funny because it's not funny. But when I first moved to LA, I said I could buy a Camaro. I did a movie and I go, oh my God, it's the first time I have any money. I have$6 ,000. So I could buy a Silica Camaro and try to be a pimp. But I said, nope, I'm going to get a cord. I just want something that starts every day. Can't go wrong.

38:39Dana Carvey:Can't go wrong.

38:40Jon Lovitz:Maybe I'll splurge for a sunroof. I found it was exactly$6 ,000. Perfect. Good shape. Good tires. So I thought that's all I need. Just get me from A to B just so I can get my life straight. So I do a movie for 10 weeks. I clear 6 ,000 I go to this deli I meet this woman here's your money here's the keys I drive to the improv I go to show Tim Rose we walk out was it this street or was it this street no I think it was on La Jolla no it was on Kilkeye stolen stolen within an hour and I had no insurance it was just back to zero I had nothing and yeah when the cops finally talked to me they said I said you know what it feels like the guy like followed me and stole it back he goes probably i go oh let's go everyone on deck it's the miami mall again we need 100 cops and they're like yeah i mean what are we what are we gonna do i'm like i don't know you you kind of know what happened

39:36Dana Carvey:he's like yeah what we're gonna do you and i is pitch this to hulu and a brand new selling steel

39:44David Spade:he sells a car and then steals it back starring your host david spade oh it's a comedy i don't if it's comedy but i'm just trying to i'm just trying to get into the live streaming world david spade and emilio estevez with carrot top not like amelia i think emilio's coming on

40:04Jon Lovitz:i talked to him about coming on because when charlie sheen was on everyone loved that emilio

40:09Dana Carvey:oh they love the brother thing they love me it's great it was really a sweet moment you know yeah like when i see you and people think it's a sweet moment i i had a volkswagen bug 67 that i was driving to la i was driving back and forth san francisco la i drove to la it was a block from my house and i look in the rearview mirror and the engine's on fire so i pulled over and i walked away and then i called people and said you want a car you can have it it's it's it's burning right right now.

40:45Jon Lovitz:What did you call Mark Pitta or Kevin Pollack?

40:48Dana Carvey:I called both of them, but Slayton came in. Bobby Slayton came and got it. Hey, give me the car, give me the car. Give me the keys, where's the keys?

40:56Jon Lovitz:I look in the front row, I see four angry lesbians like there's any other kind. That's his act, not my act.

41:04Dana Carvey:No, his words.

41:06Jon Lovitz:Did you have this kind of window in the back?

41:08Dana Carvey:Yeah, and it was, you could work on those cars. They got a lot of mileage. They, you know, they were so light. Two strong men could just lift them up, you know.

41:19Jon Lovitz:My buddy Jody had one and it was like a 69 or 70 and he had the back lifted a little bit.

41:24Dana Carvey:Yeah. The heating system was just, they would let air in and it would go over the engine and come in. So it kind of was a little oily smell, you know.

41:35Jon Lovitz:Oily. It was a four speed.

41:37Dana Carvey:It was such a toy. I mean, you know, death trap. and so you just left it and said i'll just start over yeah and then i got on one of the boys with mickey rooney and scatman carruthers and i made some money and i think i did buy a honda accord

41:53Jon Lovitz:see you got a civic record is just a way to go it's just easy they start yeah i just sold a truck at that barrett-jackson auction and it was kind of funny uh it's too big for me all right let's go to the next story all right let's see who it is oh yeah this is artwork dana now if you weren't any sort of artist which you know if you're not if you had any creative bone in your body you would try to write this okay let's see it he's imitating things in nature it's pretty clever it is clever i don't know how is it just okay i like the noise and then how do you see it you just film and then you got a dress like it and then is it in a museum or anything or no it's just on some guy's fucking oh okay i think it's pretty pretty clever right what are you doing all day you could be doing this this is what i would do maybe during COVID, but if I had literally anything else to do, I don't think I would do it.

42:58Jon Lovitz:Okay. Yeah.

43:01Dana Carvey:You got it. Everyone's got something, you know, I mean, this is cool. I don't mind.

43:06Jon Lovitz:That's more performance art. I feel.

43:08Dana Carvey:I think it's more performance.

43:10Jon Lovitz:But I like it. I think it's, it's, it's not, it's a little off the beaten path of what you see on TikTok.

43:15Dana Carvey:There are no rules in the art world in the last 25 years. You know, it could be anything. I mean, I mean, it could be a red dot on a canvas.

43:25Jon Lovitz:Do you think it's money laundering or no? What is that story?

43:30Dana Carvey:Yeah, I think a part of it could be. But I also think it's, I remember Dennis Miller going, at the end of the day, carvings all down to paintings and planes. I mean, you can get a mansion, you get wealth, you get a fleet of cars. But if you can get a plane, a Gulfstream that's yours, and original art, like a Basquiat and whatever. That's the final. So I think the scarcity of certain artists, it's just the exponentially going up.

44:00Jon Lovitz:More like one, the more rare. I've had a Jack Pollock.

44:05Dana Carvey:You'd have a Jackson Pollock? Jesus Christ. Jack Pollock. Jackie Pollock, okay. He decided to put down the brush and just kind of pour it on the canvas.

44:17Jon Lovitz:Just sneeze on the camera. Sneeze on the camera. I don't know. I have a Peter Beard. I didn't ever. I couldn't get into that art. My brother, Andy, is really into it. He's got the coolest shit. Yeah. But I never. And airplanes I would love. But, you know, not quite there yet. Not at all. While I play Rib Ticklers in Tulsa.

44:39Dana Carvey:That was a real comedy club in Minneapolis. Yeah.

44:42Jon Lovitz:There was Jokers in Tulsa I played. and I'm doing theaters now, thank God. But, oh, where am I going? That's a good question. Yeah, where are you?

44:52Dana Carvey:Are you going? Are you touring? I mean, the people want to know.

44:54Jon Lovitz:Well, I just got back in quotes from Appleton. I just got back in Wisconsin, Chicago. And it was, last I checked, it was minus 11 in Appleton. So I'll see what that's like. Bring the long sleep t-shirts. And this next one is Oklahoma. We were just talking about. as heather put it on my site oklahoma comma oklahoma that's where i'm going

45:22David Spade:oklahoma okay because it's oklahoma city oklahoma right it just said

45:28Jon Lovitz:so she put oklahoma oklahoma funny you got a lot of chatter which is good

45:33Dana Carvey:you could drop in on my oklahoma thunder

45:41Jon Lovitz:Oklahoma and then I'm playing Dallas Dallas and then I'm playing San Antonio San Antonio no it doesn't say that but that's where I'm playing that's the next one Pittsburgh I haven't been to Pittsburgh I don't think I've ever done a full theater show in Pittsburgh

46:02Jon Lovitz:I don't think I've either but I've been to Pittsburgh I don't know why it's usually Philly I guess

46:08Dana Carvey:or it's in the in the east what are those towns east eastern pennsylvania hazelton

46:15Jon Lovitz:no i'm not gonna hershey i've done casinos we've all done casinos and those are in the middle of nowhere i love casinos in the middle of nowhere man and then it's like a nice casino and you're like how how is this happening just all the money yeah it's usually shiny and bright just gotta gotta the middle of like a tough town that's been you know through like i i did one year in ohio one year in detroit where some town was just hit with like everyone in the town got hit by like the car plant shut down or a coal mine and here's some beautiful casino with some

46:52Dana Carvey:joker like me showing up yeah so crazy i know but i do i do a good job yeah uh everyone's talking about it one of the greats david spade you should go see the show one of the greats on the mount

47:07Jon Lovitz:rushmore of stand-up comedians yeah he brings it let's put it this way david spade brings it that's what i that's what a lot of the reviews are brings it they don't say what he brings but he brings it one guy i said he commented that i wouldn't see this show again it looked like he was making it all up like that's the whole point it took so long he refused to read his jokes off

47:34Dana Carvey:a piece of paper and and look like he was spontaneously just remembering these funnities fucking maddening david i just want to say this to you a good wardrobe isn't about quantity it's about quality and guess what quince nails that quince they're lightweight cashmere sweaters mongolian cashmere polos linen bottoms and 100 pima cotton tees are the versatile pieces i

48:07Jon Lovitz:actually wear year after year oh yeah they quince you know they cut out the middleman you get premium fabrics without the retail markup the cashmere is mongolian the cotton is long staple the linen is European jersey built to last and feel amazing. Everything is rated 4.5 to 5 stars for a reason. For me, those linen shorts are game changers. People get to see my pins. I've heard all about that. I got my sticks out. No wrinkles, go with everything. Not crazy expensive. The cashmere polo looks luxe, feels great. Wearing it constantly.

48:41Dana Carvey:That's fantastic. Stop filling your closet with options that don't work. Focus on a few pieces that actually do. Right now, go to quince.com slash fly for free shipping and 365-day returns. That's a full year to build your wardrobe and love it.

48:57Jon Lovitz:And you will. Now available in Canada too, so don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to quince.com slash fly for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash fly. Finding a skill to hire takes more than just reviewing a resume. as AI raises the bar on how experience is presented. Hiring managers need better ways to evaluate skills and fit. And that's where Robert Half can help.

49:24Dana Carvey:That's right. Our recruiters combine their expertise with award-winning AI to review what's behind every application quickly.

49:32Jon Lovitz:Learn how we can find you specialized talent in finance, accounting, technology, and more at Robert Half We Know Talent. Visit roberthalf.com slash talent today.

49:41David Spade:Thy ticket, Lady Jennifer of Coolidge. Well, many thanks, good sir. Heareth my Discover card. They accept Discover at Renaissance Fairs? Yeah, they do here. Discover is accepted at the places I love to shop. Getteth with the times. With the times? You're playing the lute. Yeah, and it sounds pretty good, right? Discover is accepted at 99 % of places that take credit cards nationwide.

50:09Jon Lovitz:Based on the February 2025 Nielsen Report. Okay, next one. Let's see. We got any more or are we done? Let's see. I don't know what this is.

50:18David Spade:You have to just select a color on the app.

50:21Jon Lovitz:Oh, we'll see if Heather thinks this is a good idea. So all the girls get their nails done. They spend so much money. You can change the color of your nails. That fast? All day.

50:32David Spade:So right now, I'll just go ahead and send these glues.

50:35Dana Carvey:Wait a minute. So it takes the old nail polish off and then puts it on? I don't know what it's doing. Heather?

50:40David Spade:and then it'll shuffle right through to that first glue that I chose.

50:44Dana Carvey:How is that?

50:48Jon Lovitz:It's the top coat. Yeah. I don't know if you have to be plugged into this thing.

50:53Dana Carvey:Or it's just showing you what it'll look like.

50:56Jon Lovitz:I don't know. That ring also may have something to do with it. It needs to be a conduit or something to electronically do. I don't know. It can't just...

51:07David Spade:There's ways to brush nail polish and it gets metallic. So there are ways to do different finishes.

51:12Jon Lovitz:Yeah, we're a little flummoxed by this one, but that's the future.

51:17Dana Carvey:Pop quiz for you and Heather and Greg. Like what is, from a male point of view, what is considered the most attractive color of nail polish on toes?

51:30Jon Lovitz:Toes?

51:30Dana Carvey:I'm going with sandals. Toes. Red? Ruby red?

51:36Jon Lovitz:Red might be too easy, too down the middle.

51:39David Spade:Heather? Greg?

51:43Jon Lovitz:Heather's never done her toes red. This is a big game changer. Any neutral, Dana? Dummy. Pale nudes. Oh, Greg says nude color. What is Greg talking about?

52:02Dana Carvey:Nasty, Greg.

52:03Jon Lovitz:Greg does his nails nude, guys. Like the guy on Night of the Seven Kingdoms. I just shot their ratings up.

52:10Dana Carvey:I think it's kind of cool to have some.

52:12Jon Lovitz:Night of the hog wieners.

52:15Dana Carvey:That thing traumatized you. You haven't been the same since you saw that. I haven't been. That's what caused your eyebrows to go up like that. It was just the shot. It wasn't the hat.

52:23Jon Lovitz:I can't really see me on this one, but I don't think my eyebrows are going crazy.

52:27Dana Carvey:I'm going to get my hair even taller next week. My goal is to get it to here.

52:32Jon Lovitz:I'm going to give you my hair guy. His name is Jimmy Neutron.

52:36Dana Carvey:you don't want to have you don't want to be able your lower face you don't want to have your hair it's so far back that you can fit your lower face up before the hair starts you should it should

52:48Jon Lovitz:it goes the dimensions of your waist to your nose should equal your nose to your hairline that's forehead

53:01Jon Lovitz:you got good hair so this is this is the uh quick quick puppet go ahead let's see

53:06Dana Carvey:aperitif aperitif i'm not gonna testify for nobody man hey man i'm out of here i took a jacuzzi sue me and then here's w bush just just the look on his face i couldn't believe the press conference all the stuff that's going on in the world they said what do you think what do you think of it

53:29David Spade:how did you make that one that looks i don't know that looks like the chick-fil-a girl on tiktok david spade saw wiener

53:44Jon Lovitz:what about that one video where he's golfing and he goes my heart goes out to all the people in 9 11. You got that guy's art. Watch this drive. That's the drive to the press corps. I go, you shouldn't do that. You know, they're still filming, dude.

53:58Dana Carvey:He had kind of a, you know, love, hate of a cheerful demeanor. He had that frat boy kind of as gone, you know, did you do George regular Bush or only the.

54:09Jon Lovitz:No, I did.

54:10Dana Carvey:I did Bush senior, of course, did him on SNL. Did it the best way I knew how. and then with w i just started doing them because but will ferrell kind of will ferrell was were you leaving when that happened yeah i was i was off the show but i i do you know i did obama i did clean i did them all i'm not saying they're any good but i do them all we got another gig coming up we're gonna i'll do jimmy carter if you want i go way back all right we'll do one more and then

54:44Jon Lovitz:we'll wrap up.

54:44Dana Carvey:Let's wrap it up.

54:45Jon Lovitz:Let's do one more. One more. This is called

54:48Dana Carvey:the banger.

54:50Jon Lovitz:I don't know if it is. I don't know what it is yet.

54:57David Spade:Oh, this is like

54:59Jon Lovitz:CES. They show you how to do things, I think.

55:02Dana Carvey:What am I looking for? I thought they were measuring their foot for a shoe,

55:06Jon Lovitz:but they're making a shoe.

55:08Dana Carvey:Oh, they're making it totally to fit your foot. See that? Is it only like

55:14Jon Lovitz:Oh, so it's like a little rubber It's only barefoot shoes

55:17Dana Carvey:I see

55:19Jon Lovitz:Let's see one more

55:20David Spade:Would you do this?

55:24Dana Carvey:Well I think it's kind of cool Oh, he's floating Here's the deal Can I finish one time? Can I finish? Let me put on my podiatry hat Yes

55:38Jon Lovitz:Podiatrist here

55:39Dana Carvey:so feet generally neutral if they go like this if they supinate they go out like this when you walk if they pronate they go in when you walk now i have one foot uh that this foot goes in a little bit pronate pronate this one supinates yeah and one of my feats is a half inch bigger than the other ones so custom-made shoes i think i'm sure steph curry they get custom-made shoes for their go to good feet store um i go to the sears stores that are still open and um i get industrial shoes

56:19Jon Lovitz:now where would i go to get shoes one of my pro

56:27Jon Lovitz:pronates and one does soup plantation and it's funny well my my elbow if i raise my hand i can't

56:38Dana Carvey:go straight up it's called um venicular venicular perpendicular elbow uh constellation so it goes like this and then i go up so in class when i was a little kid i have far i have farley one where you go like this to raise your hand and then you go down.

56:58Jon Lovitz:He did a sketch where it was Seinfeld as a teacher and he goes, where did world war two start? And don't say, um, Africa and Farley goes, then he goes, whatever the wrong answer was, that was, he was going to say, it's funny that it just, it goes down slowly.

57:20Dana Carvey:Yeah. As a, um, you know,

57:23Jon Lovitz:Do you have frozen shoulder? You can tell us. No, I don't. That guy on that show has frozen wiener.

57:32Dana Carvey:God, well, you should marry him. I wanted to end on a real, like a real summary of the whole episode.

57:39Jon Lovitz:Like, this guy's got a French loaf. French loaf, we heard from. Let's get him on next week. We'll ask him all about it. I'm praying that it's some sort of thing they put on there.

57:52Dana Carvey:Um, yes. It could be a prosthesis. Yes.

57:59Jon Lovitz:And how do you put that on in your trailer? How embarrassing.

58:03Dana Carvey:I mean, I don't want to get into the weeds with this, but in a bioevolutionary way, when the swords were flying, those guys didn't last very long. You know, if that was their relaxed state, you know.

58:16Jon Lovitz:They showed the girl in the way back of the cave or whatever. And she's like this.

58:22Dana Carvey:do you remember the comedian john fox he had this opening line the guy was so hung he was like the human tripod it was like applause yeah yeah he's the guy that

58:38Jon Lovitz:went on star search and sang a diet pepsi song to the tune of oh he changed words because he's heavy he goes he goes oh god candy section he wasn't drinking Diet Pepsi and he did a song about it they used to say I'm drinking Pepsi and it shows but he would say I'm drinking I'm not drinking Diet Pepsi and it shows because he was so fat

59:06Dana Carvey:I see

59:07Jon Lovitz:god I can't think of the words next week what a cliffhanger I'll think of the other two sentences next week we'll be back

59:14Dana Carvey:walked and loaded uh if you have any requests for puppets i'm thinking near future bringing out a pierce morgan good maybe a aoc i try to a tucker carlson these are all in the hopper so i'll do new people i'll handle movie stars from the 1940s mix it up and uh i'll think of the end of that

59:36Jon Lovitz:song and okay we're excited dana's gonna go shopping for those puppets so get him before

59:41Dana Carvey:hits the store i have someone uh mark hirshon who makes them for me i just got him a laser printer he's very good at it because it has to be kind of a good size and then these popsicle sticks fit in like that and they're not as big as you think because you push them to the camera so they can be right because that's how you here i'm just showing a photo and there i am automating well david i really enjoyed this show i liked the guy with the wiener i thought that was good i don't know and the it was all kind of entertaining hill and i enjoyed it so yeah but if he gets mad it's like what the fuck are you talking about comes in so it's just fun oh yeah people thought we were

1:00:20Jon Lovitz:funny on bill moore i got a lot of comments about that really we did his podcast yeah that's nice yeah uh okay have a nice time dana and uh we will uh see you next time we'll see you next time

1:00:31Dana Carvey:everybody

1:00:38Jon Lovitz:Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app, give us a review, five-star rating, and maybe even share an episode that you've loved with a friend. If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now! Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung-Kaiser, and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey.

1:01:05Dana Carvey:Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, And the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet Tech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment. Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hillary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney, and Lauren Vieira.

1:01:28Jon Lovitz:Reach out with us. Any questions to be asked and answered on the show, you can email us at flyonthewall at odyssey.com. That's A-U-D-A-C-Y dot com.