Esquire, Encore, & Emergencies

5:04Bill Burr:I hate to sound, I hate to use those words.

5:06Dana Carvey:I hate to sound like a TV cowboy from 1958. Go, dang it.

5:12David Spade:Go, dang it. Come on now, Duke.

5:15Bill Burr:Dag Navit is a good one.

5:16Dana Carvey:Dag Navit. Yeah, that's Bugs Bunny, I think.

5:20Bill Burr:Oh, you can send, oh, send a picture? Maybe. Heather will send Greg a picture. We'll put it up of the interview, even though it's not that exciting. But anyway, the guy was super cool. I liked him. And I will tell you about it. I wiped out last night at the comedy store. these count as stories that are unremarkable, but I have my neck issues. I'm feeling good. I'm heading on the road today. So I do my set, crush, kill, other people's words, levitate the room. I heard it.

5:47Dana Carvey:I saw it. It trended. Bill Burr texted me.

5:51Bill Burr:Oh, dude, I was walking out, and Bill Burr was walking in. Oh, really? The thing about pickles, you know what drives me absolutely nuts?

6:02David Spade:Microphones. What do you think? A fucking microphone? Get a megaphone. Just talk. Talk loud. How about that?

6:11Bill Burr:We're such pussies. We need a microphone. There's fucking 30 people here. What do you need?

6:15David Spade:You know what drives me out of my fucking mind? Hors d 'oeuvres. What's a fucking hors d 'oeuvres? You know what?

6:21Bill Burr:I don't like how they fucking spell it. You got apostrophe in there and some bullshit.

6:25Dana Carvey:Oh, no.

6:26Bill Burr:Oh, stop the riff is here. What? Look at me. Well, the thing about me that's interesting.

6:33Dana Carvey:Looks cool.

6:35Bill Burr:Well, the thing about me that's neat, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

6:38Dana Carvey:Well, the fact is black and white. Now, did they buy you the clothes or were those your own clothes that happened to be? It was my clothes.

6:44Bill Burr:It looks like a teanack. It is not.

6:47Dana Carvey:Oh, it's not a mock teanack, obviously. No. But what's the real color of that sweater?

6:53Bill Burr:Blue, of course.

6:55Dana Carvey:Oh.

6:56Bill Burr:Most of my shit's blue. Well, it makes you look kind of like a classic,

7:03Dana Carvey:like sort of iconic. I think it's very cool.

7:05Bill Burr:I'm like Clooney, they say. A lot of people are saying it.

7:09David Spade:Many people are saying they're talking about Clooney, George Clooney, George Clooney. He's not a very good actor. You know how your trumpet took off.

7:18Bill Burr:I know. I like doing Bill Burr as funny because it's so funny. He was on the set. We had a lot of people there last night. Bobby Lee was there acting nuts. Bobby Lee is very likable and fun to hang out with.

7:30Dana Carvey:Oh, yeah. He's a human. He's Xanax in human form. I mean, you're going to get very happy and relaxed, I guess. So I don't think Xanax.

7:39Bill Burr:It was such a disheveled night when I got off. So Annie Letterman is there. She goes, you either bring up me or Bobby Lee. And I'm like, I don't like this because then I got to finish. And I got to be the emcee and go, all right, you're next act. Fine.

7:50Dana Carvey:You don't know.

7:51Bill Burr:And I don't know. So I go, all right. Then I'm finished instead of like, I give him my big razzle-dazzle ending. And then I go, all right. And then I go, wait, who's next? And then I go, who am I bringing up? Stick your head out of the curtain so I can see. No one's there. All right. Oh, one of those things. Is the show going to keep going or no? No one's there. I go, this show is such a disaster. So then I go, encore? So I walk back and do more. And then I hear Bobby go, all right, it's me. I'm here now. And I go, oh.

8:21Dana Carvey:I've got to get out of here. What are you talking about? An encore? I know.

8:25Bill Burr:I made my own encore.

8:26David Spade:Oh, my goodness. Why are we standing? Please. I know.

8:30Bill Burr:It wasn't really an encore, but I had to keep going. So then I went to leave, and I walked around, and I have to cut through the side of the crowd. And this pudgy fat guy had his table stuck out too far. Isn't that redundant?

8:43Dana Carvey:There's a type of fat guy. Okay.

8:45Bill Burr:This sort of overweight fat guy. Yeah, I got you. And so I'm walking straight down to the exit. It's along the edge, but you don't want to steal from the show, you know? So I go down, and he's like this. And he's got his table, these little square tables. And it's pitch black. You know, the comedy store. Black tables, black room. You can't see. I know. It's weird. And I'm hustling through, and I crack in full sprint my knee into a table. And that wasn't the biggest pain. It spun me around and snapped my neck. And everyone goes, whoa. like it was so pain oh is that hard and I was yodding oh my god my neck and then I was like couldn't care less about my legs because they're tough as shit but

9:27David Spade:the neck was like oh I'd like to see you hit and then do a full 360 spin on a

9:35Bill Burr:comedy store floor and then the guy was like laughing at you caused this accident

9:45Dana Carvey:I don't know if folks at home know that, you know, let me say it's kind of an effeminate sport. Me have microphones to say funny things, but you can get wounded. You can really, I had a brain scan once after falling off the stage at the laboratory, the little improv room.

10:04Bill Burr:The lab at the improv?

10:05Dana Carvey:Well, because it was a one foot thing and they had a piano over there and it's pitch black.

10:10Bill Burr:Yeah.

10:10Dana Carvey:And so I went down and there was hard surfaces. So I was in a killing cage. I was doing the church like, well, isn't that special? And then I was in a killing cage. So I went outside into the driveway, whatever, out there. And the guy came out and I go, am I okay? Like, do I look okay? Like, was I bleeding? But I had a migraine. Next day, brain scan. Came back negative.

10:35Bill Burr:What a puss. He went to get an MRI.

10:38Dana Carvey:I like brain scans. I mean, call me crazy, but they get you in that machine.

10:47Bill Burr:Yeah.

10:48Dana Carvey:So, you know, sometimes after this podcast, I get a brain scan at the local hospital. Just because you drive me nuts.

10:55Bill Burr:Yeah, that's true. I heard the bouncer say, I was there when that happened to Dana. We went outside. His hair was a little down on final net, but other than that, it was fine.

11:06Dana Carvey:that was the major yeah isn't that a spray final net hairspray there you go

11:12Bill Burr:i you know i drenched my hairspray anyway i got out of there somehow of course i stole focus from the show i was like oh is he okay scared i walk out and it starts pissing pouring rain on me on my beautiful hair i was like oh okay it can't get worse it can but i walked in the rain like a tough guy hold on a second get David umbrella for his birthday oh yeah I'm not only to carry umbrellas who needs an umbrella guy yeah wet yeah get a rain

11:48David Spade:jacket with a hood what you need a fucking Mary Poppins stick when you gonna fly around the comedy story chim chimery what are you fucking Get a fucking raincoat with a hood on the top. Drives me nuts. Yeah, be a fucking man.

12:02Bill Burr:Go work on your car. Don't get upset, you pussy.

12:04David Spade:Drives me fucking nuts. Everything's driving me up a fucking wall. And speaking of walls, what the fuck is with walls? Why do you need one? Oh, yeah. Well, I think it creates a room. Get the fuck out of my face with the room and shit. Just stay on your side. Who needs a wall? Yeah, walls.

12:24Bill Burr:That's fucking great. He did come in drenched. He was super wet.

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14:34Dana Carvey:you guys should actually uh everybody here check out wayfair yeah you know go to their site because i've been looking around and it's really good stuff it's i know i sound like i'm doing a different pitch but it's not that expensive but it's really cool yeah i'm looking at a sort of a chaise lounge or a little claw a little couch bedding and bath basics bedding mattresses and for you david towels because i know you have one of those like you have in a public restroom or air dryer you don't have towels um so i put my hair in a towel like this and i walk around the house like i'm in a 60s movie

15:08Bill Burr:like doris day i did that in opportunity knox everything was an opportunity everything was

15:16Dana Carvey:so yeah you can uh get stuff for your kids room you know get them get them on track this year

15:22Bill Burr:you got you got storage for every space you got storing for outdoor furniture bathroom

15:26Dana Carvey:getting organized kitchen kitchen kitchen stuff yeah a lot of people work from home so you got

15:32Bill Burr:those set up. You get desks, chairs, bookcases, fake backdrops. Get a nice bookcase.

15:40Dana Carvey:And for you, accent pillows, because I know those are big in your life. I take the accent pillow

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16:01Dana Carvey:Well, I was looking for just a little a little couch or a change lounge and then I just saw like 20 different options so I'm gonna order one right today so you look you see it's easy to see yeah anything you want you can navigate their site very easily and like I said it's it seems like high quality stuff for a very reasonable

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16:44Dana Carvey:every home every home i won't be as funny as your story but um midnight two nights ago something like that right asleep this comes on you know you know when it's it's an emergency alert i had the ringer off emergency alert tornado tornado in your vicinity tornado tornado tornado in your vicinity please uh please you know get in a small room in your house so that's scarier than anything well the idea yeah tornadoes landed maybe 10 miles away it's heading our way and there's lightning and noise and rain and then i'm just checking every second for because i love i love the math of it the radar where it's heading it's going east it's sliding down and then the sky just lights up just like it's like there's reporters out in front of the door i opened it up and they just blinding light yeah and just rumbling rumbling you know and i thought wow spades so relaxed down there and logangles yeah juicy like this fucking no i could

17:58Bill Burr:hear it pounding on the ceiling and it does wake me it's so loud the rain lately has been so loud

18:03Dana Carvey:well it's not even a job we watched uh hannah and your sisters earlier in the evening my wife and i with woody allen so then as this was happening just to calm everyone down i was like yeah sure great you know that's all i need is a tornado you know i gotta be you know dorothy going to

18:20David Spade:see the munchkins no it was a wonderful tornado it's just like i like to be terra firma you know

18:28Bill Burr:and don't mean to be didactic or facetious but it's a bit of a breeze don't we didn't mean to be it ridiculous but

18:39Dana Carvey:expi cali allidocious hey that's our second mary poppins oh my god if we do three then we have

18:47Bill Burr:lottery winners on i'm gonna make bill burr listen to this just to see what he's missing and he'll go

18:51Dana Carvey:i don't even talk like that well remind him that it was i it was a character i did before i knew bill yeah it was from the night flatter no matter what it was about east coast comedians who who uh harbor like greet anger comedy which they're hysterical throughout history and then they get rich and famous and they have to kind of think of something that would make them it's funny he's so calm and normal backstage oh yeah and Bill Burr if you ever run into him folks no matter what if you start talking about it just say who is your favorite drummer it's over yeah 20 minutes rums and he likes our drums or drums yeah so

19:33Bill Burr:he's the cool yeah should we check in with that breaking news yet or not yeah

19:37Dana Carvey:our guest is actually arrived he's in the green room is that right Craig yeah Guests in the green room. Okay, let's see. Oh, here he's coming in sort of a back way. This guy knows something about Epstein?

19:49Bill Burr:Yeah. Oh, boy. Okay.

19:51Dana Carvey:Hello.

19:52David Spade:Hello, everybody. I'm so glad to be on your show.

19:55Dana Carvey:Well, hi. So you claim to know something about where Jeffrey Epstein was? Yeah. Does he look like Jeffrey Epstein to you, Dan?

20:07Bill Burr:No, he looks a little bit like, it feels like it's Jeffrey Epstein with a mustache or something.

20:14David Spade:ridiculous last I checked idiot you fucking moron oh that's a little harsh

20:20Dana Carvey:I'm the host come on hey come on what is your name what is your name what's your name Steve Steve so why why should we listen to you why would you have any

20:31David Spade:idea where Jeffrey Epstein is you want money well I thought he had so

20:41Bill Burr:I want some money.

20:43David Spade:Wait a minute. Who is this? David Spade.

20:46Bill Burr:Yeah.

20:47David Spade:I heard about the Esquire cover. You look great. You did already? Yes. It's everywhere.

20:53Bill Burr:Oh, it was a pretty fun interview. Thank you.

20:56David Spade:At least Dan Agarno is an idiot, but you know I don't look like Jeffrey Epstein.

21:01Bill Burr:No, you don't. Now that I think you don't. He was looking rough.

21:04David Spade:He does not have a mustache. No, he doesn't.

21:07Bill Burr:This is insanity.

21:08David Spade:So why would anybody think that I am Jeffrey Epstein? But I do know where he is.

21:14Bill Burr:Well, where is he? What is he up to?

21:17David Spade:Well, it was a long night at the jail, and some people woke me up and said, Hey, you want to go for a ride, Jeffrey Epstein?

21:25Bill Burr:Oh, a lot of people think that's what happened. Oh, wait a minute.

21:27David Spade:That wasn't me. Jeffrey Epstein doesn't have a mustache, David Spade. Why are you crazy thinking I'm Jeffrey Epstein when he never had a mustache?

21:38Bill Burr:I understand. Should we come back to this?

21:41David Spade:I just want one more question. Okay.

21:43Dana Carvey:Are you in witness protection? Yeah. Is that what you are?

21:48David Spade:Witness protection. I got a goal.

21:52Dana Carvey:So anyway, that was our guest today.

21:55Bill Burr:Oh, he said he's got a go? I thought he said he had a goal in soccer.

21:59Dana Carvey:Goal. I want to remind the audience that David and I do not rehearse these bits. Yeah, there's not possible. I just had my friend Marker and Sean make me a Jeffrey Epstein. And with black magic marker, I made a mustache.

22:14Bill Burr:We should have a crawl at the bottom that says, there was no thought put into any of these bits today.

22:22Dana Carvey:There's no effort or thought.

22:24Bill Burr:No, it is. There's effort. We did a good job. No, no, absolutely.

22:27Dana Carvey:I like that.

22:27Bill Burr:Now, if you're in your car, if you don't see it, it's a little trickier.

22:30Dana Carvey:But it was a gentleman who looked like Jeffrey Epstein, identical twin but had a mustache and was very upset that we even suggested he could be jeffrey

22:40Bill Burr:epstein yeah yeah um so we do have any other stories in the weekend or should we get to some

22:45Dana Carvey:news or what do you got really just the storms and um you know i mean i just stuff i was in

22:53Bill Burr:hell angeles for a few days oh yeah do you want to do buzzing around oh yeah do you have it in

23:02Dana Carvey:to do buzzing around absolutely I keep doing that voice now I can't get out of

23:10Bill Burr:it okay we're gonna do buzzing around buzzing around I'm guys is a it's sponsored by five our energy as we know and is the return of their confetti craze flavor bring big birthday energy wherever you go with this plan your confetti craze party at www.5hourenergy.com or amazon available now okay so what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna give you a scenario a scenario can go wherever it wants yeah and then you just make up a bunch of stupid stuff um it's it's got impressions this is gonna be joe biden as a um highway patrol and uh okay he's gonna trump yeah he's gonna pull over Paul McCartney, and there will be Michael Caine in the car.

24:00Bill Burr:There will be Bad Bunny fresh off the Super Bowl in the car.

24:04Dana Carvey:I'll work on my Bad Bunny.

24:06Bill Burr:And anyone else that can fit in the car. If there is anyone else, it doesn't matter.

24:10Dana Carvey:I'll see where I go. Some thoughts.

24:13Bill Burr:Go.

24:14Dana Carvey:Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. How'd he go? Let's roll out the window. Oh, you do the window effect. Roll down the window.

24:30Well,

24:33Dana Carvey:I love that you just go right into it and don't even think. That's okay. That's the next way.

24:39David Spade:Well, hello, officer. This is Paul McCartney. License and registration. Well, wait a minute. What are you doing as a high-wave gentleman? You know, I thought you were the ex-president. the united states of america yeah that's shocking she'll thought i should get out she thought i should get out and have a job no joke i'm not getting around here come on folks well i don't you know i'm just here here is my friend uh uh michael kane and bad bunnies in the back so i don't really have license and registration it's in liverpool but i do have um i have an

25:19Dana Carvey:Arby's takeout menu. That too.

25:22David Spade:Takeout at Arby's. Come on. That'll do good. They got the beef.

25:28Bill Burr:Hey, we've got the beef.

25:30David Spade:I'm not kidding around here.

25:32Bill Burr:I can't believe Biden knows they've got the beef.

25:35David Spade:They got the beef. No joke. I'm being serious. Come on.

25:40Bill Burr:Okay.

25:40David Spade:Hey, Michael Caine. Oh, Michael Caine.

25:43Dana Carvey:I don't know what I'm doing here. I've got a bloody driver's license, but pal mccartney wouldn't let me drive right bad bunny uh the coma stars careful

25:57David Spade:come on sir senior biden hey i speak hola i speak spanish i speak hola i like you people

26:05Dana Carvey:they all are permanent rights uh come on star uh senior biden uh Well, well, que pasa?

26:14David Spade:Que pasa? Yeah, Jill and I got married in que pasa. Come on. I mean, I don't speak all this stuff. You seem like a good man. Where's the bad bunny? I am the bad bunny. Come on. There is a bad bunny. I am the bad bunny. Right, Bob Dylan? Hey, hey, policeman. Policeman talking, talking strange. Hey, kinda crazy policeman. What? No, come on. Guess what? And by the way, the fact of the matter is, everybody. Guess what? And by the way, the fact of the matter is, guess what? And by the way, the fact of the matter is. Good job.

26:58David Spade:Oh wait. Here comes a motorcycle policeman, Dennis Miller.

27:04Dana Carvey:Christ sakes, you got a cavalcade of stars on here. What are the odds that McCartney would be gallivanting across the world in an Oldsmobile with that kind of motley crew back there? Right, David Spade?

27:19Bill Burr:Hi, did you guys see my Esquire interview yet?

27:25Bill Burr:And scene! Okay, good. I didn't know I was going to be in it.

27:31Dana Carvey:That's five-hour energy, man. That's a lot of energy.

27:33Bill Burr:By the way, you see how my things are all brightly.

27:37Dana Carvey:Oh, yeah. My five-hour energy. Looks unbelievable. Look at that.

27:40Bill Burr:Looks like a professional. That was buzzing around with Dana Carvey. Sponsored by Five-Hour Energy's Confetti Craze flavor. Backed by popular demand, Confetti Craze tastes like the best birthday cake ever with its rich, buttery, and vanilla-y flavors. Since Five-Hour Energy's shots are tiny and receivable, it's easy to take to a birthday anywhere you go.

28:00David Spade:How sweet it is.

28:01Bill Burr:Plan your confetti craze party at www.5hourenergy.com or Amazon. It's available now. That was good. I like that Biden knows a lot of stuff.

28:14Dana Carvey:I know. And it's interesting in his post-presidency that he would go through the academy and become a highway patrolman. And have the focus to do it.

28:24Bill Burr:And also that Paul McCartney probably could write a song about that, about his little catchphrases.

28:29David Spade:And by the way. guess what and by the way it's the fact of the matter don't you know you gotta go no jokey joke

28:39Dana Carvey:joke i see yeah that was like for no one kind of rippy rip yeah so we did that and uh we'll get us some um we're clicking them off stories we're doing great yeah that was funny i liked it um i enjoyed it because i like the idea of those people in one little scene together i like just

28:59Bill Burr:Just hearing what you're going to say.

29:03Dana Carvey:My bad bunny, I'm going to work on it.

29:06Bill Burr:No. I like K-Pos, and we got married there.

29:12Dana Carvey:Yeah. Improv is the funnest, I got to say.

29:16Bill Burr:Okay, what else? Let's see. Give me a news story, and we'll jump right into these big stories, these nonsensical stories. We had our storms. That turns out are usually never true, but that's fine.

29:28Dana Carvey:Okay, here we go.

29:29Bill Burr:Oh, shocking. A Chinese female. Oh, streamer reportedly lost a bunch of followers. Oh, her filter on her kept popping off.

29:42Dana Carvey:Oh, she had a filter, and the filter popped off, and she looked like 80 years old or something. Oh, she has a face filter.

29:55Dana Carvey:Wow, that's intense. so I could put on a David Spade face of potentially she looks still pretty just different yeah just different she's a tan yeah she looks fine in both but you

30:07Bill Burr:can put on filters I guess you just don't know I mean I I feel like if you're on Instagram and you're making money and people are clicking on you could just be like oh this is a character it's a yeah super pretty character that will make money because what a chance you're ever going to meet the actual person or find out for real what

30:27Dana Carvey:anyone looks like so who knows could i do an ai face that looked like every character i just did like identical like paul mccartney's hawking you might be able to put that yeah kyle dunnigan does stuff like that he's got no but his swap thing he does it but it's probably more sophisticated now yeah uh it probably gets better every week um every hour ai's taking over but yeah so um

30:51Bill Burr:thoughts and prayers go out to her for losing 140 followers okay 40 ,000 140 that's a lot actually if I did that I don't know if I'd come to work if you

31:03Dana Carvey:lost followers I would crawl up into a ball oh yeah you know what you'd feel so bad you'd probably finally follow me don't do I follow you I can't remember

31:15Bill Burr:You're like, we're not there yet. Let's take it slow.

31:19Dana Carvey:Yeah. I'm just sort of unintentionally mysterious, but that's all right.

31:24Bill Burr:When you meet people, Dana, you've never run into this because you're out there in the tornadoes. But when you're like backstage and people are like, we bought the house. In Dorothy country.

31:38David Spade:Yeah. Why is this house so cheap? Well, I don't know. It just is. It's not in Tornado Alley, is it? Oh, don't be ridiculous.

31:48Bill Burr:If you move to a place called Twister Meadows, there might be a tornado.

31:57David Spade:If you move to a town called Flying Furniture Dakota, you just might meet a tornado.

32:06Bill Burr:If you move to a town called Temporary Town, there might be a tornado alley.

32:12David Spade:If you move to a town called Oozing Sore, Minnesota, you might have people with ambulatory injuries on a consistent basis. We switched it.

32:26Dana Carvey:I know. I switched it to Oozing Sore. I like it. No, that's an old Larry King bit I used to do that when he would talk, you know, Roanoke, Virginia, the towns, they would sound like diseases. this creeping rash Minnesota you're on you know oozing sore Nebraska pustule Nevada

32:50Bill Burr:pustule's good pustule that's that's a gross one because one time someone said to me three in a row I have a boil on my arm I go sick they go no it's a goiter I go worse they go no like a pustule I go

33:04Dana Carvey:bleh jeez when did they make their way to the word hunchback from apostille goiter into a hunchback

33:11Bill Burr:that's hi gary goiter how are you that's a that's a bad last name i would change my name if that man was gary go here you remember what happened to gary glitter who was gary glitter

33:23Dana Carvey:gary glitter was in the band the glitteronies and

33:29Bill Burr:that's a spinoff of spaghettios no he was

33:39Dana Carvey:every game oh man does he get a piece of that for every game yeah but he got involved in some stuff

33:48Bill Burr:okay we'll leave it at that so he got in trouble

33:51Dana Carvey:Ethereum?

33:52Bill Burr:We'll leave it to the comment section to figure it out.

33:57Dana Carvey:I love where these arenas are named after crypto, and crypto drops way down on the arena. They have to actually try to shrink it. It's really complicated to make it look not so important.

34:10Bill Burr:What, the crypto or the arena?

34:12Dana Carvey:Well, if it's like crypto arena and then crypto goes away, they have to turn crypto into a different word. so the crew goes up there and they rearrange the letters and it spells toe cripe and it's just not the same no i think i don't like this here i'm drowning in i don't

34:28Bill Burr:like naming arenas i'm helping um because i like you know i like the dodger stadium i like you know when they say like tiger name of the team soldier field just cool and then they turn it into like Target Center.

34:45Dana Carvey:Bill's Sanitation Center.

34:47Bill Burr:Arizona has that waste management. I know.

34:50Dana Carvey:I know. Waste management arena.

34:53Bill Burr:Well, it used to be called like the garbage can arena. It was something like, you go, come on, guys.

34:58Dana Carvey:But I think the one that was the worst is the constipated stadium. It's in East Texas. It's like a 70 ,000. Yeah. Welcome to the constipated stadium in today's game.

35:09Bill Burr:It's ironically in Diarrheaville, Texas. if you live in diarrheaville texas you just might have to stay close to an outhouse capisce if you jeff foxley i did jeff foxley on snl and i was i was the ebola virus oh that's right you did do them go ahead people if you are and then i i don't know i can't remember it but if you dabba dabba dabba you just might be the dabba dabba the ebola virus yeah that's how it was that was a weekend update bit um all right one more story and then we'll do two more after eight okay mm-hmm oh this is colin Joe's from SNL. He's at the Olympics.

36:03Dana Carvey:Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah.

36:06Bill Burr:Okay, let's see what he says. Oh, he did the bobsled.

36:13David Spade:Oh.

36:19Bill Burr:Look at how fast they go. Oh, yeah.

36:25Bill Burr:Yeah. And they mic you, too, which is horrible.

36:27Dana Carvey:That's wild.

36:33Bill Burr:he was not ready he was literally he just thought it'd be like disneyland or look at how rough it is well they go at eight miles an hour right i would be bawling my head off how did he not know though

36:48Dana Carvey:well i guess until you're in the sled and going you know well because he's in a production meeting

36:52Bill Burr:they're like it'd be fun jump on the bob said whoo go down like a toboggan he's like all right i could You'd probably do that. Okay, sign these waivers, these death waivers.

37:01Dana Carvey:I don't know if I'm much of a thrill seeker. I was once doing this corporate date, and there was a— It was in West Virginia or something, and there was a gigantic brand-new roller coaster, but it was like triple-triple upside down. It was bigger than Godzilla. It was just huge. And local news, like, and Dana Carvey, the church lady, is going to take a ride on this beauty, and I wasn't looking forward to it. you know oh you said you would do it is the maiden voyage you know they had they hadn't been test out so I'm going okay all right I'll do it what the fuck you know and then they go up the temperature is too low we we can't go because it might stick it was so cold it was cold but it dropped suddenly to like whatever 42 or 30 is something it dropped and we couldn't go and I had to

37:51Bill Burr:pretend the Lord pretend that I was disappointed oh man dude all you need like I did the roundup when I was a kid where you stick to the walls and then the floor drops out and you're spinning and I'm like just trying to be cool there when I go nope no more like it is so I don't need that amount of scare in my body I think you're almost getting in a crash that fear but for like four

38:17Dana Carvey:minutes why don't people know cuz I did that with my sister-in-law she was like 10 years old at magic mountain and you you go in a room and there's a floor and you're all a gup against the wall it's circular if people know about this it starts going round and round around to the point sick enough you're pinned against the wall because the centrifugal force is so extreme you're already nauseous and have a headache and then the floor slowly goes away so you're just on the wall going it's like no then it goes like this day and it starts tilting now you're going like this oh i don't know if my like i'm in a fucking dryer i'm like you're joking this cannot be legal but the 10 year old was the time neve she bounced out of there like happy and oh yeah really sick for like at least an hour of like people that say i've been a magic mountain let

39:08Bill Burr:me tell you something off the record not so much more mountain than magic and it's not even close it's 98 % mountain very little magic I'm just if I go to Pirates of the Caribbean

39:19Dana Carvey:and has that little teeny thing in there but everything is environmental and there's puppets talking at me I'm happy but I have enough stress to I don't want to go upside down or be dropped a thousand feet I even did the fucking teacups the cheek is that it Heather showed it to me that's it it's

39:38Bill Burr:terrifying she just found it looks like you're in a air filter okay is there a picture we can show she can send it it'll it'll like interrupt the next door no but it was we'll come back and show how sick it is people know when they go on these rides you don't need it and if you hurt yourself well i always show on my instagram i'm on some algo where it's like ride fails i'm like that's a little light of a term to show 300 people dying like they do one of these things then they just unhooks and they all fly in the air and smash and everyone's like wah wah.

40:10Dana Carvey:But when it does get stuck and it's 400 feet in the air and everyone has to get out of a little teacup and go down these little... Or stuck upside down. Or stuck upside down. It's just that it gets stuck, a mechanical thing but as a kid it was the county fair where the carnies and the gypsies would come in and set up the thing the day before so a lot of the rides would just fall apart in real time.

40:32David Spade:Hi mommy, hi daddy.

40:35Bill Burr:No chance. No chance. Okay.

40:40Dana Carvey:I got the teacups. You got the teacups.

40:43Bill Burr:Let's put those D cups in the teacups. What's the next thing?

40:46Dana Carvey:You go on Tom Sawyer's Island? Is that what it is? Go on one of those cases.

40:51Bill Burr:I like how Dennis goes very quiet.

40:53Dana Carvey:Dennis is quiet. Okay, Carvey, that sounds like fun. You take a little ride and go. Tom Sawyer's Island with the drawbridge where you see Winnie, the mute,

41:06David Spade:greet you.

41:09Bill Burr:Hey, here's fucking Glico. He lives under the sink. The survey says Thorzine. All right, let's see. We should have Dennis on soon. I know, we got to get him on again. We got to get him on. It's hard to make him live up to what he sounds like all the time.

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42:55Bill Burr:Okay, what is this? I can't read it. What does it say?

42:59Dana Carvey:Let's see. I can get it. uh cali is a trained oh cute dog can detect cancer by scent

43:10Bill Burr:no cancer cancer cancer cancer a little too excited about cancer this though what a cute dog though so aside from not liking dogs walking on like hardwood with their nails I like this video because they put all these things out and the dog goes right to like a little

43:33Dana Carvey:yeah it's traditionally sort of a little bit sad or dark a story about cancer but then the dog lifted it into joy you know

43:43Bill Burr:they should have the dog just walk around an airport or just walk around you know anywhere a mall go to the grove and then the dog walks up to you in points and you're like oh fuck is this the cancer dog

43:52Dana Carvey:Thanks for ever thought of the phrase man's best friend. Had it going, you know, starting to sniff out things that are negative and will kind of guard you at night.

44:05Bill Burr:They go, does this guy have cancer? No, no. Or just cocaine.

44:10Dana Carvey:Well, they do. They do. They smell everything. Yeah. And each other. Okay. Another idea.

44:17Bill Burr:Yeah, they like to smell butts. That's where they lost me.

44:20David Spade:And they cannot lie. I like smelling butts and I can't not lie.

44:25Bill Burr:These other brothers can't then not.

44:26Dana Carvey:And I'm sprung and I get on.

44:28Bill Burr:Oh, I like that you know that. Let's get sprung.

44:31Dana Carvey:Oh, no. I mean, that might be the greatest hip-hop song ever. It's catchy. It's the catchiest song. One of the catchiest songs ever.

44:40Bill Burr:Okay, what's next? I'm so beat up for my big incident at the comedy store.

44:44Dana Carvey:Yeah, I just was running and gunning for the last six days. I'm doing good, though.

44:50Bill Burr:I don't even know what this is. Let's just see. Okay. Let's set a play.

44:54David Spade:She'd be willing to do this. They'll pay you$2.3 million. And all you have to do is live alone in this cabin near Lake Superior. Oh, shit. That's Dana's house. The cabin is located right on the lake, surrounded by endless water and trees. Inside, it's cozy. There's no way this is. A living room. No. A small kitchen. A bedroom and a bathroom. 2.3? Wow. With a large window facing the lake. The rules are simple. You can't leave the cabin beyond 1 ,600. This is Dana's life. So? No phone. No computer. That's me. No phone. No phone. At first, it feels like paradise. The calm water, the breeze, and the silence.

45:26David Spade:But by day 10, you'll realize that the quiet and vastness become overwhelming. In the last challenge, someone lasted 11 days.

45:33Bill Burr:Dana's lasted three years.

45:35David Spade:Not with$2.3 million. The hardest part wasn't the silence itself. It was hearing only the water in my own breathing.

45:42Dana Carvey:They filmed this thing at my house, to your point. I lease it out.

45:48Bill Burr:Okay, that's enough. Could you do it?

45:51Dana Carvey:well what's the overriding to me? well you're not starving you're not hungry you're just in an isolated you can't do it for 38 days

46:00Bill Burr:you see the guy that lived in the rock last week on the show?

46:03Dana Carvey:yeah I mean yeah that'd be a chip shot for him to just sit in a mansion

46:08Bill Burr:I could almost do that

46:09Dana Carvey:I thought it was going to be that there was tides or something the water would come up and you'd have to swim save yourself

46:14Bill Burr:I mean for that much money I mean if I couldn't have like if I could only bring a couple of things, I'd bring a couple of my movies, a couple of my magazine articles.

46:25Dana Carvey:And some of your 8x10s to look at. Yeah. Those are in my earthquake kit.

46:30Bill Burr:I have 8x10s for some of these.

46:31Dana Carvey:Of yourself.

46:33Bill Burr:Just so the environment will get me sooner.

46:36Dana Carvey:I would just say the people with the 2.3, if that's after tax, call us. Call us. We'll podcast from there.

46:45Bill Burr:I'll do it. I actually, you would last longer than me. And actually any of these shows. You could do Survivor probably.

46:52Dana Carvey:If I had a stack of books or I could watch TV or something, I mean watch some old movies and read books.

46:59Bill Burr:Tell me if you remember this. Twilight Zone. A guy stuck in an island, but it's covered in books. And what happens right at the end of the episode? He drops his glasses and they break.

47:16Dana Carvey:Well, are you...

47:19Bill Burr:Do you know the actual episode? That's the one I kind of remember.

47:23Dana Carvey:Okay, real quick, just for the Twilight Zone fan. Do you know what it is? Yeah, yeah, Burgess Meredith. Yeah. Oh, Rocky's going to hoist your poignant rock. God, we've got to do that on Buzzing Around. Okay, good. Remind, Heather, remind us. He just says it's Burgess Meredith. He just does that. He's going to hoist your poignant. So Burgess Meredith does The Twilight Zone where he's kind of a nerd that reads all the time at the bank. What are you reading for, Jensen? Put the book down. He never can read. And his wife yells at him. All you want to do is read. So then for some reason, he has to go check the vault downstairs in the bank.

47:59Dana Carvey:You know, it gets inside there. There's a nuclear apocalypse.

48:03Bill Burr:Oh. So he comes up.

48:06Dana Carvey:He comes up, and it's just nobody's around, and it's just isolated, nothing. And he's really disturbed. but then they kind of cut to him a little while later. He's got a stack of books like 10 feet high next to him. And he's saying, I have time now. Time to read. So it becomes kind of euphoric. Time. And he reaches for the book and the glasses fall off and break.

48:29David Spade:But I had time. I had time.

48:33Dana Carvey:And then it cuts the rod sturdy. Picture if you will. A guy who will eventually play the trainer of Rocky in hit movies. here in this shitbox show we like to call the twilight zone the greatest show he has to walk

48:49Bill Burr:over to pearl vision center which has been destroyed well i think the sequel would be

48:56Dana Carvey:he crawls along the broken glass but by feeling he gets into lens crafters he feels around and tries on 300 glasses and eventually hits the jackpot and the reading begins again i'm rudd

49:10Bill Burr:certainly you know my mom's Japanese and my dad's optometrist and every December

49:14Dana Carvey:7th they attacked Pearl Vision Center whose joke is that that's Mike Sterner from okay Arizona when I started you know what I mean just like you're

49:30Bill Burr:where's Mike Sternum call it he was so funny at great song parodies let's have on you could always get me with a song parody i don't care where you're from i would love well

49:41Dana Carvey:we're going to be playing let's do a plug city uh next weekend we're going to be playing thunder

49:47Bill Burr:valley in lincoln california yeah we are it's right outside of sacramento and i don't know i'm

49:54Dana Carvey:trying to i'm thinking i might start with guitar i'm trying to shake up my act i might i might come out and do something

50:00Bill Burr:got a block magic marker

50:04Dana Carvey:but I have a might have some

50:06Bill Burr:surprises oh by the way by the time this is on we will have aired Eddie Vedder that was fun

50:13Dana Carvey:Eddie Vedder yeah just as thoughtful sweet person

50:20Bill Burr:fun fun to talk to you that guy is yeah I could you know he and I went down

50:24Dana Carvey:the rabbit hole for a sec yeah just just we could have talked about revolver in the white album for like an hour the beatles that was good time that was fun

50:34Bill Burr:okay let's do another story then we'll get let's wrap them up and then let's get to our banger yes get a banger

50:45Bill Burr:okay so this story x ufc fighter

51:13Bill Burr:I mean, you've definitely never been punched if you're doing stuff like this.

51:19David Spade:You got slapped on video? I did, but I slapped the shit out, you know. Okay. I'm going to show you the inside of the...

51:24Bill Burr:Wow. This kid can't win. He's done this before.

51:28David Spade:Don't do that.

51:28Bill Burr:Oh, he does this to trend?

51:31David Spade:Oh, man.

51:32Bill Burr:Oh, my God. An elbow.

51:34David Spade:Did he get up from that? Come on. Wow.

51:39Bill Burr:It's not even the guy who's yelling at it. It's another guy.

51:43David Spade:What's going on now? It sticks.

51:49Bill Burr:These are streamers I don't know what's going on Okay jump out

51:55Dana Carvey:Well this is a feel good video to end on I'm glad you guys picked this today

52:00Bill Burr:I think we'll skip that one because I don't even know I feel like it was me accidentally because I saw that guy On a different one and he was talking so much I was thinking in my head Sometimes young people just do not know that you can get in a fight and get beat up if you just keep talking and you've got to know when you're around dudes or dudes that are bigger people have a short fuse and they'll just hit you well that was i think but that wasn't i didn't see that one he kept ratcheting it on the guy

52:31Dana Carvey:it doesn't you know the guy could have the giant guy could have uh like in master disguise you remember the movie sure he learns that you you always hit a man with an open hand you know you You make your point, but you keep dignity. So I think the guy should have slapped him.

52:50Bill Burr:Well, the guy that got hit, the one I actually saw, the problem is first you're on live stream, which means it's live while you're doing it. So the person you're making fun of feels even worse because it's live. You're not going to cut this part out. So he's being humiliated. And he started flirting with this dude's wife. And so the punky kid was doing that. And you're like, and the other guy was going, you're going to get hit, dude. you better stop and he goes no man you don't scare me your wife's really pretty and maybe you know she can always walk away and then but it was an open hand like you said and he was like cuckoo oh i thought he it was not open but now this one is another one i hadn't seen but he's back and getting punched again if that's his hook i wouldn't keep doing it because it looked like a really yeah that looked like a real either that or was it um the elbow either way he was like

53:43Dana Carvey:It looked like a short right cross with a lot of quick power to it. And his face just went beep. He went, guten Nacht. Guten Nacht. That's our new tradition here on Flying the Wall. We're going to have some kind of violent clip to end our joy fest.

54:04Bill Burr:Remember last week we had one of the two.

54:06Dana Carvey:This shouldn't even be happening, but he's asking. You want? Really? Hello, everybody.

54:11David Spade:I don't know why you end with a violent clip all the time. I don't know either. You want to send people home with a good feeling, right?

54:18Bill Burr:Yeah, we want a fake Epstein. That uplifts everyone.

54:22David Spade:I'm not Epstein. Look at the mustache, idiot. Sorry.

54:29Bill Burr:Thank you, fake Epstein.

54:30Dana Carvey:I guarantee everyone that I'll have a different puppet for next week's episode.

54:37Bill Burr:All right. Well, thank you for hanging in there if anyone stayed with us. and we'll see you next time.

54:41Dana Carvey:Thank you. We appreciate it.

54:47Bill Burr:Hey, guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a review, five-star rating, and maybe even share an episode that you've loved with a friend. If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey and executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung-Kaiser, and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey.

55:15Dana Carvey:Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweetech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment. Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hillary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kirk Courtney, and Lauren Vieira.

55:37Bill Burr:Reach out with us. Any questions to be asked and answered on the show, you can email us at flyonthewall at odyssey.com. That's A-U-D-A-C-Y dot com.