Fresh Looks & JLo’s Roach

0:00Hunter Biden has just joined the podcast. My hair is fucking slick. Whoa. Can you hear it? God dang. She slicked it, Heather. Yeah. I'm going to try these. Oh, yeah. I'm black and white. Look at us.

0:24Oh, shit. It looks a little Richard Petty on your end.

0:29Dana Carvey:Do you mind my hat? I mean, first of all, don't be frustrated. Don't be jealous. Just live with it. Just soak it in and deal with it? This is - Accept it? Yeah. It's Christian Bale in 310 from Yuma. Oh, that was a killer movie. It's hard to get a cool hat. I'm part cowboy. You know, I live on a farm. Yeah. A ranch, if you will. If you will. And look, I could put it as questions. Do I look cool in this hat? Yes. Does the jean jacket work with the black t-shirt? Yes. Do people love the Superman guy back there? Yes. Are they excited by your new look? I don't know. We'll find out. No, my hair is combed and I got the chops in, but I'm trying to grow the middle out again.

1:22It's just not as fast as I want.

1:24Dana Carvey:You know what you look like right now? Yeah. is basically, and it's a compliment, you look like a mob boss. I mean, you look like someone who, because the mustache and the thing, I mean, you look like you're going to call a hit on somebody. My glasses look bigger than normal, right? I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's weird angle. Maybe we got a weird angle. Because the hair's slick back. Yeah, maybe. God, it's slick way back. Yeah, what's with this Slicky McSlick? Yeah. Foreign director and action. And action. Let's get in there. everybody. There was something I wanted to share with you.

2:00Dana Carvey:I did a second, you know, a philosophy of life that helps me, you know, a friend of mine used to say this to me. He'd say, and he was from Brooklyn, he'd go about life. You go, you do what you do. I do what I do. Rub a chicken. Capisce. Never heard that one. But think about the brilliance of that. You do what you do I do what I do Rubber chicken, capisce What's the rubber chicken part? I never knew I get the do your own thing, sure I don't mind this Yeah, you look like a porn director What am I going to do, judge it? I'm just going to say You look like a porn director I look like Christian Bale From 310 to Yuma I'm the porn director that has girls come on that couch Capisce this is a modeling uh audition but let's lose the top uh dana a lot of people that live out there like my brother lives up by san fran and uh i know where he has his big pineapple picker hats do you have one of those at the old absolutely that's like you they're everywhere every hardware store has a giant like sort of sombrero basically maybe i'll take a break halfway through and put it on and it's complete coverage because i get just blasted out here because i don't like i'm not a sunscreen guy i mean you get in the morning and sunscreen yourself but i don't so on the way in and out of stores it's so hot up here you go

3:35Dana Carvey:so i i have one of those in my car and you can wear them into stores but they're giant i'll i'll that'll be for our next uh fly on the wall please also you're just talking about 310 to yuma I saw a movie recently What did you see recently? I saw a little thing I like to call weapons Weapons? I've heard a lot about I had no idea what weapons, who, you know What does it mean? What is it? What's the billboard? All this mystery Yeah, a quick impression of me looking online about that movie What's going on? I don't know What is it? You know It's number one with a bullet Yep It's horror and mystery and it got 100 % of Rotten Tomatoes normally for horror films.

4:19Dana Carvey:No fucking way. So I said way. So I went to see it at my favorite time, high noon. High noon. High noon. Okay, way. So you go in like a normal guy. Celebrities are just like us. look i go i go at 11 a.m or noon these are guilty pleasures it's me and two chatty teenage girls up up behind me so it's literally empty um but i take my time like i said okay i'm gonna get some water you're supposed to hydrate right oh yeah so i go to the snack boss or the connection connection concessions with the concessions. So, um, I see two people, I won't make any judgment about them, but I don't want to exaggerate.

5:17Dana Carvey:I think it took them probably a good 15 minutes and they had been up at the counter before I got there. It's a ghost town. No one's around. There's the person. So it's popcorn. It's frizzle sticks. It it's, it's a pizza. It's, it's hot dogs and another lunch coke no lunch go yeah it went on and on the guy was sweating he kept going in the back bringing out more popcorn or he's doing stuff he's got you know a little bait do you have better hot dogs in the back um let me go look so that was frustrating because i thought i was gonna miss the movie so i got up there and i realized lately if i'm upset i get a little ornery i start to channel billy bob thornton from uh landmine so i get up there and it's like lady she goes you want any popcorn i go lady i don't want any goddamn popcorn i came here for a goddamn cocoa with goddamn 20 minutes now you got some more help because guess what's on right now the coming attractions and that's the best fucking thing i see all day all movies suck you got to know that by now but coming attractions is two minutes 10 movies that suck so give me my goddamn coke and i'll get out of here she goes that'll be 12 12 12 my ass so i got really into it i walked away Yeah, for sure you did.

6:35You can wave your arms around all goofy. That's what he says in the new T-Mobile commercial. Yeah. They let him say goofy. That's fucking funny.

6:42Dana Carvey:I know, but he's so great in that part. And can we have him come on our podcast, please? I love him. I think I've seen him out in the world. He's too cool for school. I mean, he's just - He's hard to flush out. I would like Benicio. I would like Billy Bob. I want Owen Wilson and Joaquin. I know. They're elusive. They're light on their feet. They're not celebrities with their schnoz out there. What do I get? You know, look at me. Yeah. So I would just say right now, Billy, if you're watching this goddamn podcast, you know, guess what? Yeah, we could use some more downloads and we need someone with your star power.

7:18Dana Carvey:So get your ass off the couch. Well, I saw a freaky product. No. Can you believe this, Dana? Why? Well, I have a really good reason. you know what it is? While you were kicking back in your hammock up there, we got a call saying, do you guys want Jamie Lee Curtis tomorrow? Can you do it tomorrow? And I said, yeah. And so I guess what I did ran out to Freaky Friday. I said, one of us should see this. And I hadn't seen the first one. And I went with a dude, which is even funnier. And he's this tough guy and i'm eating before the movie i kept saying did you see the first have you seen freaky friday goes freakier i go what are you talking about he goes this one's called freakier friday oh shit hold on oh that's me calling you no it's love it's hang it up hello now you might have to get my picture back come here but anyway so i go he kept saying it's freakier i go no one doesn't know what I'm talking about.

8:25Jesus, he won't take no for it. Silence that. Heather texted him and told him to zip it. God dang, Lovis. What do you want to do, Cole? He can't live without you.

8:35Dana Carvey:It's weird. I love you. I love you, Sam. So I go see the movie. Anyway, by the way, long story short, Jamie Lee had to push it till December. But anyway, I have to say, I did like the movie. I'm glad I went because the positives are the Uh, Lindsay Lohan is, is a talent. She's great. She's super adorable, cute, funny movie star. Um, and Jamie Lee Curtis was funny and you know how they got, got her to do stuff. She's the grandmother in it, which is usually sort of thankless, but the kids, this is where it gets a little tricky. Oh, first one, Lindsay and Jamie Lee Curtis flip flopped, right? I guess lightning bolt hits or something, whatever happens.

9:22this one her kid and her friend at school are fighting a dark-haired girl okay so you got to follow this they hate each other right now spoiler alert turn it off don't turn it off though turn on mute so lindsey lowan goes to uh what is it called a truth a future teller fortune teller Jesus God dang

9:48Dana Carvey:What the fuck You can't talk like a regular person On the goddamn show I can't What the fuck am I doing on the show I'm a pro talker too You can't even figure out And you are You're a professional talker So go ahead I want to know who swaps Look it up Heather Who is the girl Is the fortune teller It's on She was on SNL She's funny And she does a great job You know the lightning hits And the wiggly camera Oh Heidi Gardner It wasn't Heidi Gardner It wasn't Rachel Dredge Sort of that era And so anyway But they flip flop like this Jamie Lee Goes into the friend Lindsay Lohan goes into her daughter The friend goes into Jamie Lee So whenever someone talks You're like I need a fucking schematic So it's a triple swap It's a quadruple That's why it's freakier Because the first one was just mother daughter swap Yeah freakier isn't a strong enough word It's confusing Friday Okay It's alright You know You go for the quadplex With the foursome there swapping You spend half the time Doing calculus Instead of enjoying your matinee You got that FBI chart behind you With all the names Okay this person just said This joke That means she's old now Talking about Pampers But they did It was a little more clever Than I thought It was kind of well written And the scenes all lent themselves You know Low expectations much?

11:12Look Well I didn't know I thought it was like For children and it was kind of funny you know so i'll give it up um i think you said weapons was really good

11:21Dana Carvey:we didn't get into it but you said that was vanessa veyer by the way look okay good yeah um two things one is when i when i see these sequels years later i just go with ai wayne's world three i'm just putting it out there and what would you do you could also do it as a puppet show you could do anything you could just do little puppets and go hey guys i have a garth puppet it's in the garage so i'm bringing that out i'm bringing my puppets out for the next one they're just pops shit god damn it no what um weapons was one of those just great movies that's all i can tell i heard this and i don't want you to give away because i think people are still seeing it right i won't give it away i gave all the freaky friday away but weapons is someone said it actually has comedy infused in it quality comedy so it it's an interesting hybrid right i will say that possible no one's trying to be funny the comedy completely comes out of oh okay characters and the situations they're in um that the casting of the people is perfect amy madigan is in it and for a long time i didn't know god who is this yeah yeah because she plays a cool weird character she's good uh you know uh josh brolin like he's he's uh stocky enough that when he punches something you know you kind of believe that he's gonna do damage you know they knows yeah he's a he's a bruiser play he has a cool old school dude look yeah and i'm sorry the lead is so good uh can you look this up guys uh she was one of our 500 team yeah you know the credit roll at the end it's number 17 we'll figure this one out uh who is the lead guy no the woman who played this school teacher look how you just pushed in did you see this i didn't do anything oh that's hysterical oh look at you oh my god did you see that now now i can see you no one can see what happened is dana's we'd have a split screen but we're small dana got bigger which he liked and that's what i'm sure he's so excited about that and then it went for both big oh my god this is groundbreaking this is something where we should call george lucas instead of freakier friday this is flyer yeah wally well what we learned is the people and weapons it's funny but they're not sweaty and thirsty like us begging for laughs like it's like a stephen king book to me or it's been influenced by different things, but it makes something new.

13:59Dana Carvey:And it just really works. And even for myself, because I know the rabbit gets out of the hat. When the person's in the dark haunted room and the camera goes tight on them, you're waiting for the pop. You're waiting for the, you know? Yeah. So I still at this age, I just squint at that point. I don't want to, I know it's coming. I still want to get that. I actually do that too. Or I cover my eyes or my ears because it's too much of a jump scare. Yeah, there was also just a sound scare. Yeah, I don't like that. And no one would believe this. I'm such a colossal pussy that I can't, I've never seen a scary movie, never seen Exorcist, Halloween, anything.

14:38Amityville, these old ones, Friday the 13th, nothing. So this one feels like it's a little scary and our kids involved makes it scarier.

14:45Dana Carvey:Yeah, everyone knows the basic premise. 17, okay, there's kids involved. There's kids involved. Well, they're on a poster, so they're doing something. But most of the movie is just, you're into like a mystery of missing people. I like it. Okay, so it's clever. It's clever. Who's going where? And so I'm going to see it again. It's very rare. Could I handle it? Well, I didn't want to say this, but we should have, if I could do confetti, I would. But that is now, according to my AI, that's the hundredth time us doing this podcast where you called yourself a colossal. Oh, is it really? Is that one of my big things?

15:24Colossal pussy. Well, people are onto it now. You're actually kind of a tough character.

15:29Dana Carvey:You're never afraid on an airplane. I'm strapped in, sucking on a Heineken. You're up there kind of singing and dancing. I have to tell you, when I was living in Casa Grande, Arizona, from when I was eight to 12, my brother, you know, it's desert. So the fun things to do are connect or collect snakes and stuff. Yeah, yeah. So we had, in his room, my mom let him. We had no dad around. So this is where the, this kind of gets a little lopsided. but she let him have five rattlesnakes in a cage in his room, a boa constrictor and a, a python. Python got out. Boa got out. And one time he came up to me with the rattlesnake.

16:05He's got gloves on. He goes, touch it, touch it. And I go, no. And he goes, touch it, touch it. I'll bash your face. So I touched the front of it. He goes, what are you doing? I don't, I don't know what the store game is here. I be beat up or touch it. I, you were, He was very pushy about it I think that was I wasn't supposed to touch it But it didn't bite me So I think he was holding it so tight It didn't get to go God douche

16:31Dana Carvey:Yeah I've said this before But you know We used to have kids Performer Desert Dan At a birthday party All these kids would bring All his little rabbits And tortoises And a bow constrictor And what dad here Will volunteer to have Arnold Arnold, the boat constrictor. So I, the kid, I go, okay. So it gets around my neck and then it starts tightening. Of course. And the kids are laughing. Ah, you're going to die. Arnold likes you. That's why he's. He's hugging you. Around your neck. No. That's my. I'm going to cough now because of that. Okay. Don't do those tricky bits, dude. That was, that really constricted me.

17:17Dana Carvey:But yeah, it sounds like you and your brother had a delightful relationship. I will say, I might've told you this, but Brian, my brother's great and he's the toughest one. So he, he definitely got bit by one of the rattlers. But one time we were, we found a rattlesnake on our driveway. My stepdad, who was a little buzzed, came home from work and he saw us with tennis rackets on the driveway for about 20 minutes. we were trying to wrangle it to pick it up behind the head and put it in a jug of empty milk carton not a full and then it kind of stays in the bottom it doesn't it's hard to get out so we're doing this maneuver and he comes home and he's drunk and he goes what are you doing trying to play tennis with it that was his first big laugh and then he we said no we're trying to get the milk carton he goes you just pick it up and put it in and it bit him now we knew there was a reason why we weren't just picking it up and putting it and it bit him and then he goes and then he stuffed it in acted like it was nothing there you go and he goes i'm gonna go take a nap i go i bet you will so he went in and we were over like how old are you giving your dad shit we were probably nine eleven and thirteen my stepdad so we could push him a little bit yeah and uh and then we were like all three lined up like the brady bunch looking into the living room he's asleep and his arm starts to swell then his whole shoulder and the side of his face and we had to wake him up and go hey you got to go to the doctor so we took him in he was purple it got all purple but he made it he made it through did anyone uh did the 13 year old think to suck the poison out of the wound and spit it out uh no perv what happened was is that what you're supposed to do That's a rumor.

19:12Dana Carvey:Yeah, I don't know if it's real, but everyone knew that one. Not only just suck the poison, take a pocket knife and cut the two holes together. Right, yeah. I've seen it in Western movies. Anyway, we never came to that. I will tell you something. Last night, quickly, I did a set at the improv. Of course, and you crushed. I got Heather. Heather's waiting to hear this because she asked me what happened last night. Okay. Drive home, my sweet car. You know, lost in some tunes. Now, I have sort of a little road that goes up to my mansion. Oh, I know the road. A mansion. I mean, what am I saying? This is other people's words.

19:49You know.

19:50Dana Carvey:What? 44 windows, three pantries. I don't know what you call it. 17 bedrooms? I've been in two of them. Yeah. My house could fit inside your kitchen. Let's put it that way. If my house had a baby. No. So anyway, my gate is skinny. Obviously, three of my friends have scraped their cars like I can't open it. oh my god yeah that that's yeah that's the worst it's skinny anyway but one of my big fears is what happens in la because it's crime riddled is you get followed home kind of like celebrity types but anybody followed home go in your follow you into your driveway and then they block you get out beat you up tie up and steal all your stuff right and so of course so that happens a lot around here for real so it's a trick where they block you can't get out But they follow you home.

20:41So I'm going up this crummy little street, which is pretty skinny. And there's two cars behind me. I don't even notice. And I'm like, they're kind of on my ass. So I go, well, oh shit. Of course, that's the first thing I think.

20:53Dana Carvey:You got to up there. Yeah. Yeah. And there's, it's pitch black. Oh, it's a perfect place for carjacking. Perfect robbery. Perfect crime. So I pull over and I got my pepper spray right here. and I go, I can't, I don't want to pull into my driveway. So I just pull up right before, like let them pass. Yeah, yeah. They pull up next to me and stop. So what do you do? And it's pitch black. Yeah. And it's dead quiet neighborhood, windy road. Five guys in a car, a car behind them. Five guys in a car pull up and stop alongside you. And I got my window cracked and they got theirs down. And I got this and they're not going past me.

21:34I think I know what's going to happen. And I lean over. You do? they go hey do you know where jensen street is close hey can you sign a bunch of shit we got all the stuff we got some funkos and i go get the fuck out of here i go you guys

21:48Dana Carvey:they followed me from the improv two cars oh man so i lit them up i've never heard of that but they almost got sprayed and if and then i went into my driveway i was kind of nervous now because and i went in and i go if they come behind me i'm gonna get the gun i'm just gonna show it to him like, hey, this is for real. Now you're in my house. You can't do this. Because they were at the improv and they were in front of the gate and they're all waiting with stuff to sign. And then I signed one on the way in, but I go, that's it. I'm not going to sign anyway. I leave because they get like a clump.

22:20It's kind of nerve wracked. So they're all clumped up by when I drive out and I waved through the window. They're not really fans. So I love fans, but we talked about this before, like at the airport.

22:29Dana Carvey:It's not fans. It's a business. And there can be a little aggressive sometimes and they're angry they've never so they follow me all the way home which i didn't realize that's even scarier knowing situational awareness i don't know someone no it's a ways away you don't live around the block it's like a long follow i mean i'm just imagining the conversation hey we got our bungos we got we got our joe dirt posters babe we're gonna cook hey he didn't sign hey eddie follow him let's follow him and they pile into a car and is anyone going this isn't a great idea this isn't a great no let's not follow him he's gonna get he didn't love it at the improv do you think he's gonna love it in his driveway he's gonna be pulled over in his driveway at his house yeah so getting too famous i've said it before i don't know if it's that i think it's just these guys because they do it to other people that are there uh but when you're on the bill and the improv's great by the way they try to go here it It makes me want to go do sets down there and then ditch the guys who want to sign.

23:30Dana Carvey:Well, because they're just not. Listen, I sign stuff all. You do the same thing. I do it. You're like, I can't do anymore because they could go two hours if you. Friendly. Yeah. If you don't stop, then they'd still hate you. But the worst is blue marker for this. No, use this. No, put it on the side. Don't put my name. Put it right next to Adam's name. Make sure. And then I've got this one. This is my daughter and she's a big fan. oh i favorite come out yeah we just could you please and and then they start to fight amongst each other you got enough dude you got like 10 from him and they refer to you as him he's gonna sign some more he's being really weird me but anyway that story i won't milk it because we talked about the stuff before love the everyday fans talk all day have a great time so uh that these are just like an interesting breed of people that really rub me wrong i hate it i can't stand it that's it i support you i would say beat it up too bad no no it's you'd have to be in the situation it sounds like first world problems i saw you at largo once and you left largo and when i drove around there was probably 15 people around you in a circle and i see dane in the middle going to sign selfie sign selfie which guy did i not get they give you another one trick you over here no you never got me first of all it was bedlam because you and i were interviewing Mr.

24:50Dana Carvey:Will Ferrell. Oh, yeah. And so Will draws a pretty intense crowd. And then he had an escape pod or a helicopter or something. Like, he's gone. And then I'm kind of waiting. I go out the side and I see you driving by. No one's bugging you. You honk and wave. It's so long, sucker. So then they're like, they're swarming. They're down the street. Then they see there's one last quasi-celebrity done. So they get all around me and I'm like - You innocently were walking down the street. Yeah, I thought I was going to cross the street and just be fine. Then I'm in this, my asthma. I'm like just in, I got plankton.

25:25Dana Carvey:I can't move. I'm part of this moving human thing. And I'm signing inside this tunnel as fast as I could. And then they start going like this. They never end because they got a new one. Really mad. Where's David Spade? I don't know. I don't know where David Spade is. Why would he go away? Well, because he goes away. But look, if you want to follow him, this is his address. Yeah. Well, he likes it. He does it better at the house. All right, let's get into some news stories. Let's really let people know what's going on in the world, the stupidest stories in the world. Not at all. The best. Okay, this is J-Lo.

26:04Oh, okay, play it. Oh, I think I know what this is. Look at her neck, Heather. You see this? You've seen this? Look at her. See that Dana Is that a roach

26:20Dana Carvey:Is this AI though