Horse Babies and the World Cup

0:00Tyler Reddick here from 2311 Racing. And Bubba Wallace. You know what's the worst part of a race? A rain delay. Sitting around, waiting for the track to dry is dull. But instead of waiting, we hang out with Chumba Casino. Social casino slots, bingo, solitaire, plenty of fun to keep us entertained. So why let a rain delay slow you down? Play now at Chumbacasino.com.

0:23Dana Carvey:Let's Chumba! Sponsored by Chumba Casino. No purchase necessary. BGW group order prohibited by law. 21 plus. Terms and conditions apply. My wife goes, they're eating the afterbirth. Well, who doesn't eat the afterbirth? Who would pass it up? If you're a bird, that's like... My hair right now, I'm the co-star to my hair. It's just too much hair for my tiny face. I need to take it down. If you put more product and grew it five more inches, you could be the basis for like REO Speedwagon. Or Blue Oyster Cult. I'm going to burn your dick off. Remember that part where you had them spread eagle and he's had a laser.

1:01Dana Carvey:Goldfinger, what do you want me to do? I want you to die, Mr. Bond. I want you to die. Sounded like Lovett. Hey, I didn't mean no harm, Dave. Hey, come on. Come on. I'm your daddy. I'm entitled to a little bit of sugar. You look like you're about to get interrogated by somebody. I feel like I look like I'm in black and white. Right, there is a little bit of Felix the Cat in you. You look warm and cozy. I thought I looked great today. What will tell the millions of fans is that I'm moving. Let's come clean right now. Right, everyone's freaking out. The message boards are lighting up. We'll go to the phones in a minute.

1:53but the story is i am moving and i am in my new place which i haven't moved in yet but because of the timing of these podcasts and the high high demand is that we had to get one done today and so we just moved this over to the new place and it's so much more complicated even though it looks like we don't give a fat fuck about this we put millions of hours man hours into this you're over there stacking five our energy boxes that's half your day

2:30Dana Carvey:i'm over look at my can you guess what's behind me in the hallway the beatles songs that is uh that revolver and beatles this is uh meet the beatles capital record signed by all for beetles that's a rarity that's really hard to get i i'm prepared to hand you five thousand dollars for those i know because you're a bit of a nose hound for uh for john lennon's glasses or elvis's belt you know i like that stuff too i think i got a good maryland monroe thing too but nose hound is what they called me in college when i was around the cocaína. I can't imagine you with cocaína. I would do the most microscopic bump and I'm like, ya da da.

3:23Dana Carvey:Can I ask you a question about this new room you're in? Yeah, it's not working. Does it have a window? No, I know what you're going to say. You know what I'm going to say? Just stare at the window. This is the best lighting, which it is, but my fragile eyes and retinas and irises can't handle it. What you do is you have drapes and you can narrow it. And then you have this sort of, it's got little tiny holes that like it's sheen. It's almost like a plastic sheet that diffuses the light. You'll see. Do you think my left side of my billboard forehead is too bright, Heather? Should I put that one down a little bit?

4:10Dana Carvey:well what why is flying the wall in black and white and you're in black i don't know because we're new and we i wish that five hour energy was somehow in black and white because i will tell you an old movie no i don't think i can do that just down that one down a little bit i'm just trying to get some color in me because it's so yeah just turn it off that's fine i mean it's really no win situation everyone's bored of fucking tears but movie is a pain but heather and evan came here yesterday and really it's so much crap to put cameras and lighting oh no it's wires it's this should in a perfect world this is like just a test and then we messed yeah we messed up something on the camera with the color but we'll fix it so anyway let's get right down let's get down to this to the whole nitty-gritty i have stuff to talk about but you want to start i know what you want to start with well we basically you I live on a farm and our caretaker put his two horses in our front pasture and they're our friends and everything.

5:11Dana Carvey:We feed them carrots, a lot of them. And one of them is pregnant and then we didn't know what was going to happen. So I was up with Nilon playing the Woodland Park outdoor event. And the crowd was great, but it's a 40-foot high stage. There's no screens and it's like Woodstock. they're just out there i i had i had some relatives coming and they were probably 150 yards from me and they and they they said yeah we thought we thought it was real funny but anyway so then i flew back here here after you know oh there oh wow see that's the baby to the end yeah i know Oh, and I'm calling the baby. For now, the working name is David Spade.

6:02Dana Carvey:Full name. Look at little Spadey. That's me and Farley. Yeah, without any stairwell nearby to be thrown down. No stairwells. No, it was just cement stairs. So we woke up Tuesday. Paul, there were shrieking coyotes because the baby was born, and they were shrill like... Oh, did they want in on the action? Yeah, while the mother... So the mother looked like it was dead. The mother was just limp in the field. So was the baby. So it was like, let's get the baby before the mother can protect it. So we called our caretaker and he came down. He came down the little road here like 70 miles an hour. So what happened was she had had colic, gave her a shot, so her teats wouldn't come out, she couldn't lactate.

6:52Dana Carvey:so it was getting hot up here and the babies really it would get up and fall down and get up so we were kind of worried so he did all this stuff for hours gave it a second shot so stayed all night 24 hours we kept saying can we do anything take it to a vet or anything and then by the next day it was fine but we had at one point 50 vultures hit the front field vultures you know they're and they were eating the after birth you do that that's a delicacy i was like what are they doing out there my wife goes they're eating the after birth well who doesn't eat the after who would pass it up um so that's like

7:40Dana Carvey:so it's it's nature man i know you like everything called you know sort of like structures. Homogenized and big city. Office buildings. Yeah. Steel and concrete. We have vultures. We have coyotes. We have horses giving birth. And so everything worked out great. So it's really cute. We have a new picture. Same picture. There you go. Well, I had a video I sent too, if you want to see. Oh, really? If they have it. I don't know. It's up to Heather. I know. It's a new place. It might not have all the bells and whistles of the regular super produced podcast i i know well it does look interesting like i had a white shirt on but i put this black coat on because i go it's so white and it was so reflective like i don't know we're fixing we'll have it all set in a couple months incredible come on i will say that the other day i did go to my local pub and watch the world cup and you don't know anything about this but the world cup is uh on right now i saw it to see i will say people like you're gonna watch world cup like yeah it was fun but i'm like i didn't know this whole fucking summer like it's i thought it'd be a cute long weekend couple games well how long does it go it goes into july to the end of july i think damn yeah yesterday well at press time the usa will have played Bosnia-Herzegovia played two countries at once and won how could a country with that name actually win it's demoralizing because even the players can't pronounce it we are from Bosnia I'm from Bosnia I'd like to buy a vowel I'm from Bosnia and I'm very casual within my attitude I'm Plasma-Haskis-Naksia we are the country of Kato try to score on us if you will oh by the way with the horse thing beforehand before we leave it this subject completely well this is something that would be very used so we're there's horse people up there we go to a party like three days before this woman talks about well mostly that everything's fine but about one out of 30 they don't really breach so sometimes that face will come out and then pop back in and then come out and pop back in.

10:05Dana Carvey:I'm like, okay. Now, one hoof might come out. Don't do anything. Don't pull on one hoof. She's telling me this at a party. You're like, I'm not going to ruin it. It didn't cross my mind to pull it out. So two hooves come out and the head comes out. Then you just lean back and burn the baby. No, that was the advice. Yeah, she was giving me advice. If it's laying back and the head comes out and goes, hey, can anybody give me a hand? If it goes like this, it goes, Dana, help. Pull. And you're like, I shouldn't get involved. It's so funny. Don't pull on one leg and like, I'm going to do this. I'm always about experts.

10:46Dana Carvey:Hire an expert. Because one time we had a smell under the house. And like, you want to get in that crawl space? Me? I go, with a flashlight? Right. Well, is there a guy we can hire that his entire job is to get in a crawl space with a weird smell? Let's find that guy that's in heaven down there. They're doing it 10 times a day. I get it. Okay, that's the end of my worst stuff. I used to say, when I used to do stand-up and I wasn't doing good, a guy would stand on the side and go, shaky legs, Colt? Shaky legs, Colt? Oh, shaky legs, Colt? That means you're a new Colt, which is a new horse. Right, and you're shaky out there.

11:25And you're a little shaky like yours. You got to get your legs like when I used to skateboard. So you got to really get some confidence. But I guess your boy got some confidence.

11:34Dana Carvey:Oh, it was at least a full day of Charlie Chaplin slapstick or Buster Keaton. It would jaunt and then just boom, slowly slam. I didn't walk for a week, I don't think. So that's not long. A day is good. Also, back to USA versus whatever. buck and i will say it was nice because to see the whole bar unified instead of like the eagles versus the cowboys yelling back and forth everyone's pulling for the usa which you never see anymore and they were literally chanting usa after a goal which you're kidding you never see that wow isn't that crazy i mean 10 seconds it faded fast but that was kind of cool because you know in in the same day where i see on the news someone in san diego a couple got they had an american flag in their yard and are sticking out on a pole and they a choice to take it down it offends people and you're like in this day and age i think everyone's usa i don't know if it's great prospects in the future but if you could probably put up any other flag of any other country and you wouldn't catch flack but that was that that sort of caught me off guard yeah that's that's a that's a surprise and it is fourth of july weekend can you bend the the rules i guess hoa is it okay for france to kind of root for france is it okay for germany is it okay for the usa to kind of go they're not perfect but we're the suckiest place on earth We're here, yeah.

13:11Dana Carvey:Can we root for our team without, oh, no. I mean, our hot dog's offensive. I mean, I guess anything that runs people 4th of July in America. This 250, when it gets over, will be fine with me because it just brings up so much hostility. Oh, yeah, and it's a little bit of a halfsy move. I mean, you get the centennial, you get that. You get the bicentennial. Oh, a 250 is not really. Two and a half is not as sexy. Let's go three and then go nuts. Yeah, I agree. I mean, 100, 200, I'll give it. Yeah, but two and a half, it's a stretch. The bicentennial was a big deal when I was very small, Dana. I was very tiny.

13:52God, you were like in seventh grade. Yeah, I was like two years old, yeah. So what? Heather was 14. Now she wasn't.

14:03Dana Carvey:So it made her day, man. So I was super happy. by the way oh i do my big joke about if iran has to play the usa oh yeah what's your what's your bit on that and i'm like i was like awkward if they have to play them in the world cup like you guys aren't still mad are you like those bombs were four days ago are we still talking about them we still and also probably we play iran they would just block the tunnel and control the traffic in the tunnel all right yeah the locker room in the stadium you know because This is part of their thing. By the way, are we still at a war or peace or somewhere in a gray area in the middle?

14:44Dana Carvey:I've seen this play before. I come from another time. When I heard Middle East war, I went, huh, that may be. It may drag out. Yeah. You basically, you throw in special ops guys that just keep an eye on the country. They blend in. Looks like they got some nuclear dust. You drop a bomb on them. But this thing, all I want to know when anybody or there's a brain trust, even making a movie, there's a brain trust. Everyone should get around and go, we're all so excited. But what could go wrong? Let's spend two hours of what could go wrong. Right. Let's do that first. Because, I mean, even Ukraine, I felt it was sort of pitched like it's going to be a long weekend, maybe going to next week.

15:27Worst case. They always sort of sound like it's cut and dry and it's not. Very complex.

15:33Dana Carvey:It's a two week thing. When Ukraine gets absolutely no attention, it's still – And they're like, guys, remember? We were like the story. And now it's – also I think the problem is they're saying there's no leader of Iran. So it's like you're at a car dealership in Cerritos Auto Square, and they're like, bro, bro, it's me. I'm the guy to talk to. Well, yeah, because they blew up the Ayatollah. Then they blew up another 50 guys. Well, these are the final leaders. and then them and then there's like more coming you're right guy as you i do use cars in buck nada yeah i'm the guy you talk to me i talk to my guys i they run all the dealerships we so it's sort of uh complex but we won't well i'll say this is is it not even political at all but warfare's changed because of drones and ukraine has become adept and it's really samson and goliath or goliath and david basically would be a better analogy but so you can take you can get a 3500 little put a satchel bomb to it and shoot a million of those a big aircraft carrier right so we need to reinvent the way we have weapons it's real ashford and simpson remember that singing duo no i was trying to think of an equivalent i know you're thinking of Samson and Goliath or David and Goliath?

16:59Dana Carvey:David and Goliath. What was the Samson one? Samson was the guy who was really strong and then didn't... Did he cut his hair or something? The woman wanted to cut his hair and then he was weak. He was the first whipped biblical character. I think it was... He didn't cut his hair. I think the girl made him get a perm and then he got weak. The girl gave him a tattoo of a heart and then he had no power. Wilted.

17:32okay so more stuff i i did have a problem with my swimming pool before i sold it and i had to get it fixed oh really and it's a great story i'm gonna save it for next week because it's called a

17:46Dana Carvey:teaser well that's the thing before you sell houses um yeah i was troubleshooting my own place going like yeah before someone says oh there's a crack in that fucking fence you go i took care of it so i did i troubleshoot it and then yeah the problem was something was built wrong and obviously i should fix it but then i go well if it was built wrong how did it pass inspections where i bought it exactly i wish i could say i don't know what you're talking about Right. I'm too honest. So we found the guy that fixed it and he kind of didn't do me a solid. So let's save it for next week. It's juicy.

18:35Dana Carvey:We had it here. And I'm naming names because I'm going to give them a week to say, hey, we got to make this right. Oh. Yeah, because the people should know. These are two words, new homeowners or people trying to, you don't want to hear if you're the homeowner or the new or trying to buy a home. It's got mold and dry rot. Other than that, it's perfect. Mold and dry rot. Mold, dry rot and fire ants. Mostly in the bedrooms. Yeah, I fixed everything. It took months because it was a complicated issue, but I took care of it. So come by, Dana. You might need it. You can buy it out of your bar tab. Right.

19:16Dana Carvey:I might. If the stocks do what I want them to do, we'll see what's going on with that thing. Jump and change. Oh, yeah. You got money. You got moolah flowing. Oh, no, no. I left a lot of coins on the table. You know, Casino Royale, you know, with the new Bond cat, you know, the guy's eye is bleeding, you know. You were one of those two cats, okay? I like when everyone, everyone, James Bond has got this mystique to where the producers about once every two months float out. Harry Styles might be the next James. They just keep it alive by just saying anyone. And then people load in. Oh, we chime in, chirp in.

20:00And you go, who cares really at a certain point? Let's just make.

20:04Dana Carvey:Well, because a lot of people just totally connect to Sean Connery. Sean Connery. shot in conry and i thought it was smart when they just didn't try to do anything like roger moore pierce bronson who did great jobs and they went with daniel craig you know yeah who never did a push-up never did a push-up and then he swore up and down he'll never do another one then they threw a couple bucks his way and he guess what on the set the first day reporting for booty that's not bad i like a good fun i told you that when i was at the oscars pre-pandemic i think i went backstage and there's a bar there daniel craig is there in a tuxedo having a martini and i said are you ever out of character yeah but he's a character actor that guy you know and he went wayne's world party on excellent oh yeah wayne's world Yeah.

21:02Dana Carvey:Pretty on. Pretty on. I don't need anything off that. I'm getting my summer cut. We've heard a lot of teasers. Well, clearly I haven't gotten it, but I'm getting it. It's way overwhelming. You get a trim. You're like somebody who has someone in a closet waiting to come out to trim your hair. The thing when you're rich on the road, if you're doing the road, the first sign is you travel with a barber. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. not me though i don't know i don't do that but i'm saying that's i know two people that travel with barbers they just have so much money they just are burning it they're just like i need this guy and i mean oh you need a masseuse a barber you know a lot of accountants a therapist you know somebody popped my zits the main thing is don't let someone cutting your hair get too chatty you know they get chatty and you're talking and all of a sudden what happened that's the whole thing all of a sudden you look like you right now so what's the summer cut what's the plan do we have some inspo pics we can show the audience you come up with a phrase and it becomes that's inspo pics is real i think right heather yeah inspo so you bring in a bunch of pictures of people you like well this is what i say to people and i don't know if you took my advice but never lead with your hair no i did not take that see that guy with his hair so my hair right now i'm the co-star to my hair it's just too much hair for my tiny face i need to take it down if you put more product and grew it five more inches you could be the basis for like reo speedwagoners blue oyster cult well jaggers still like this a lot of old rock stars still just have a main problem is it gets a little drier and you need a little three minute miracle in there uh some conditioner after a while but these rockers i've seen i saw the doobie brothers and i wanted to spray their hair with you know a quart of oil well were they literally taking it to the street or they in a little bit yeah and they were also the dry long hair where it could start a brush fire easily well here's the thing what you do and just a news flash for people so if you're an aging rock star you basically you grow a beard then you grow your hair out and then you put these on oh and you're basically any age you know you're covering yeah you're covering a real beard you know like this gets rid of this and then you just hair way out and then you always have sunglasses on but you try not to have the white beard no no no i think No, no, no, no.

23:47Dana Carvey:You do a thing and whatever. Nobody colors their hair or dyes their beard, though. Nobody. Yeah. I'm going to be the first. Hey, we are the product, man. What else you got? Because I don't have too much going on. It's 4th of July weekend. They're traveling. Oh, we have a new gas tax started the 1st of July. And I didn't feel bad when they said it's up. It's two cents a gallon. I go, I can handle that. And they said, well, it was 61 cents. Now it's 63 cents a gallon, a gallon in California. You know, they call it mission creep. It's like tax creep. And I don't mind. I want to pay tax, but I just would like, I'd like to get a statement.

24:31Dana Carvey:Here is where your tax dollars went. That's all. Like it did something. Yeah. This went to a supervisor. It was a hell of a nice guy. Works in Lodi, California,$780 ,000 for assisting the penguin trainer. I just want it to be. Penguin trainer. Yeah, the penguin trainer. De-thawing the penguin's flappers when it gets out of the pool. Are you a big 4th of July guy? There is some 4th of July pressure. Okay, this can't see you. Why is there pressure? Because people are like, what are you doing on the 4th? What are you doing the whole weekend? What are you doing? and it better be a lot go and i'm like well i used to kind of float around in a boat in a harbor and newport and they have fireworks and i think they still do but a lot of cities are not doing fireworks anymore and then you're like well you can't really take that away because then what's left like fourth of july is really then they do a thousand little tiny drones that blink lights and move around and do all that over santa monica right yeah yeah you know about well listen you and Heather won because they're all going away and so now it's just what's the fourth?

25:41How about the scared animals? I know, I know, I know about the scared animals. They can't run the show for every reason of the world. I mean, I know it sucks but like my dad, I'd say, I don't like the noise. He goes, eh, life's tough, Davey. You're going to be okay? You don't get your way every time. Not a great dad.

25:59Dana Carvey:Was that like on high? Was that like imprinted into your brain? Yeah, I hated it. You're going to make it? You're going to make it, Davey. So when you first started as a stand-up, you were fledgling. Did your dad advise you before you got famous? He'd see a set and he'd just go, gong.

26:23Dana Carvey:Well, I was just trundling along. Trundling? I didn't even tell my parents I was doing stand-up. It didn't matter. But I was in this San Francisco stand-up comedy competition. So they came to that. Oh, that was a big one. And that's where Robin Williams gives me a$500 check and Mort Sahl's back there. And my dad said after the show to my brother, oh, Jesus Christ, who knew Dane was funny? He didn't know it his whole life? No, because I would just go like this and get out of the room. Why would I run and cry out in the bushes? No reason to be in that same room. I can't help. We were the craziest dads.

27:01That's, yeah, my dad started coming to the bar because I would perform at in Scottsdale because he'd say he was with me and my dad and he charged drinks. And then they would charge them to me.

27:16Dana Carvey:It's kind of heady stuff. You know, my dad had a Cadillac. And then he came to my house once and he, I had a Mercedes Benz at that point. First time I had money, 420 SEL. He went out in the morning and he measured my car and then his car. Oh, I got your beat, Dane. And then his driver's license plate in the back was, it said, Father of Dana Carvey. And then he, because I was sending him money with my mom and stuff, he would have a billfold with like hundreds of dollars and buy drinks for everyone. So, yeah, he was an interesting character. God, exactly the same. My dad would meet me at the jet lag, like even on Thanksgiving, the jet lag bar.

27:57It was in a strip mall, nowhere near an airport. drinks for everybody kind of jet lag and i met him once and i'm like hey and then uh and the bartender's like oh is this your son he goes yeah he goes this one's gonna clear up your bill he

28:09Dana Carvey:goes hey let him get settled jesus i didn't you know those days uh and i feel bad for this generation you could move out if you if you had like 300 bucks a month as a bus boy my room my room was 58 bucks at roommates but then later on my dad a little bit tried to re redo history so one time he said oh jesus christ i always supported you i go well no you didn't support me or not support me i just went to some clubs and now i just did it on my own now i'm telling you now i'm telling you and he goes i was your fucking north light i wasn't mad i wasn't mad it was just it was fine it wasn't his fault mine took all the credit for me and then he switched over to kate spade and said uh if it's a if it's a female he says i'll get you kate spade versus it's a guy he says, I'll get you an SNL what are you going to do?

29:03okay, let's get to some hot stories what are you going to do about it? what are you going to do about it?

29:09Dana Carvey:what are you going to do about it? Heather had it I kind of botched it what are you going to do about it? are you going to fight that guy? what are you going to do about it? yes I'm just going to do what I'd do but you know what you can do about it okay just for the fans okay this car oh yeah okay this video what do you think's happening here with this car driving did someone fall asleep someone's drunk i remember watching this ago i didn't know what was going on okay i feel like someone left their car and drive or little kids driving oh yeah a little baby will get out because why is it slowing down if it's left in drive.