How To Kill The Fly on the Wall & Old School Throwbacks

26:44I'm probably at town square yeah oh tianamon they may they make a big production out of some of those things anyway too dark let's keep going sorry took us in the wrong direction here's some stories oh i thought this is funny yeah this is about this is based on you that's you in the picture when the plane makes weird sounds and you try to act cool but your soul already left your body okay play

27:21wait it got stuck in the middle but they goes the kids like this because you're trying to relax but i you said this and it happened on my flight to alaska where it goes it makes like a real whining and then it just goes away and you're like does that mean we're free falling now or does something stop it's the a320 airbus i'm a

27:45Dana Carvey:perfectly fine airplane but when it takes off it sounds like a lawnmower going full blast it feels like the plane is screaming to get up in the sky

27:56Dana Carvey:and then a minute in or so i'm ready for it it does a huge downshift and you kind of feel like They're taking the power off. Floating. The plane is falling. Eee! And it sounds disappointed. Eee!

28:15Dana Carvey:But you're never scared because man up front, drive big plane. Me happy. No, I'm scared because I actually, on the way to Hawaii, the flight attendant was nice. She gave me a list of things. She was going to the show already. And she goes, oh, you're on the flight. I can't believe it. I'm going to make you a list of things to do in Alaska. And I go, oh, okay. She brings me a list of maybe 200 things. And I'm like, well, I'm there for about 30 hours. But it was all this fun stuff, you know, declaw bear, go up on the town of Mount Magushku and wrestle a rattlesnake. But I did, I was looking for mooses.

28:56Those sound fun to see. I did not see one. Didn't see a moose.

29:00Dana Carvey:Let me ask you a question. Even if you had time, there's been so many movies, you know, and where they're in the seaplane in Alaska. Hey, it's a beautiful day up here. And then it's like, and the propeller, and they go down. So those are, if they don't crash, it would be spectacular to take those up to a lake, a seaplane and go off. But what could I get you on one if I paid for it? Good question. I don't know. I mean, there's helicopters that do it all day, every day, and there's no problems. But funny how you only hear about the problems. That's the thing. And it hypnotizes you into darkness.

29:44Right. One crash a year, and suddenly you're the bad guy. I mean, helicopters have a bad rap already. And then the little Cessnas. I did think Alaska was great. I really wanted to just see it. Yeah. And it was great to just walk around Anchorage. and just see it. And then we drove around, checked out some views and saw some salmon on people's plates. So that was something.

30:10Dana Carvey:I would want to go up there just to see the environment. Yeah. And how were the, so did you play one show or more than one show? Go all the way up there. One show. Goodbye. That's what Steve Martin used to say. Well, I'm going to finish my career and I'm going to put every fan of mine in one place. In a huge stadium and I do one show. Goodbye. But it was fun. They were a good crowd. It rained on them. Oh, that's right. Yeah, it rained on them. So I actually, nice people. Yeah. Let's not beat it together. Okay, what's the next story? What do we got? Got some real good stuff. Let's go. Everything I ate at the poop restaurant in Taiwan.

30:56Oh, I thought she was going to say tasted like poop.

31:01Dana Carvey:she's all excited welcome to modern toilet a poop themed restaurant you even have poops on the table hello sharks it's so funny because your drinks come in different types of urinal i ordered the urinal and it truly looked like pee mentally i couldn't drink it out of the containers i poured it oh that's what finally stopped human beings have way too much free time and money it felt very weird but eventually i got used i'm an angel investor in this with kawai And it came with those super cute smiley fries and a lot of sides. You eat out of the toilet? I love it. Why does it look so gross? For dessert, I got a chocolate soft serve.

31:35Dana Carvey:It looks so realistic that it was really hard for me to eat it. I wasn't a big fan, but I think it was because of the visuals. What is the name of this restaurant? The Poop Restaurant? Where is it? It's called the Poop Cake Factory. No, I don't know. The only thing that might top it is just a restaurant called Vomit and More, where everything looks like vomit. I'm trying to think what would be worse. I see that you could make chocolate ice cream look like poop, but after that, I'd have to really brainstorm. Yeah, I guess you can make anything look like poop. I like they covered something looking like pee.

32:16Okay, for your dessert? Who wants a catheter?

32:21Dana Carvey:Who got the catheter pie? Yeah, we have little stents for you Chocolate stents And we have a thing called the bypass Where it looks like we saw a rib cage But it's all made of vanilla pudding in half Yep Here's the spleen splitter It's a biscuit Well, I don't think we're going there Mostly because it's too far away It's too far away Otherwise we'd be there tonight Just to say we did Just to do research and write it off okay next one what we got what we got here oh so these streamers i've seen these with their hands but now with their bodies they sell on like a qvc but it goes so fast and this girl it says she made 18 million in seven days because she tries on dresses you know how they walk out they show you a dress on qvc and they go this is nora and she's this is a full figure dress and it's got some ruffles the turnaround and then this is how they do it there go ahead

33:33I like the kick up that was that oh no oh is it banned okay kicks it up with her foot

33:46always fucking stick That's all you get for that one? Do you like it? Any questions? Too late.

33:56So she has to talk. What is this? SNL in your change booth backstage?

34:08Dana Carvey:This was a no from me, dog. Little House in the Curry. Okay, we got it. The little kick up is the best part. She's really good at the dress at the foot. Instead of doing a jump cut where she changes, like, you know, did you ever, you're too young for this. I don't know if Gregory would have a clip, but on the Ed Sullivan show, they had all these jugglers and variety acts. And one of them was, I remember as a kid, they'd be dressed in something, and then they would just duck behind a thing and come back out within a second, completely dressed in something else, or just walk behind it, they're in something else, walk back, they're in something else.

34:44Dana Carvey:So it puts that one to shame Did you know what they were doing Or you were baffled I could not believe how exactly it was happening Like any good magic trick It was like too much for my brain That was like SNL That girl because you know when you run off a sketch You can't even get to the dressing room You just go right under the bleachers And they go take everything off Yeah I know Every department is right there Makeup's ready when they go in First the wardrobe, then the makeup Then the wig, then the this, then they push you out Then the writer's yelling at you It's a little different at the end Yeah, don't exit on his line It's not that much of an exaggeration It has the freneticism Of an Indianapolis pit stop Where it's just like Except it's shoes and wigs And then I would always Sometimes I'd say Do you have a mirror?

35:40Dana Carvey:I just want to see my What I changed into Oh there I am That was when I was doing Do you have a mirror? I just want to trim my Pewds David I think you should do that ahead of time this week It slowed down Molly didn't know her exit Because of the Go in my office There's a manscape in my left drawer You can use it We've done we've done a, it's been kind of a blue show in some ways. I know. It's okay. They're ready for it. Oh God. They want, they want the edge and we're willing to give it to them. Okay. Let's see what's next. We're doing pretty good. We're almost done. I think we're doing fantastic.

36:26Okay. Okay. This is what? Two legends. Michael Jordan, Michael Tyson.

36:32Dana Carvey:One signed autographs. The other didn't. So this is a live spontaneous scene on the street. MJ, you're the gold. MJ, can you song please?

36:44Back when Michael Jordan seemed to snub this kid asking for an autograph. Oh, appreciate it. I like how serious it sounds.

36:56Dana Carvey:I love the voice.

37:01He must get that shit everywhere. People go bananas. exclusive contract with this is what i gotta do the trading company that means he's legally barred from signing outside official upper deck events this week mj made a rare public appearance just to fulfill part of that deal so mj's not rude he's not a jerk he's just the most protected

37:30Dana Carvey:brand in sports okay jump out at that go ahead well i want us to get that announcer to start our show. Dana Carvey and David Spade may not seem funny, even though they're professional comedians. It's just in their contract that they're supposed to be amusing, but not especially funny. I'm Bob. When David Spade got followed home by five weirdos, he wasn't being rude when he pulled out his gun. He was protecting his house and home. I know. I read the headlines. David Spade pulls out, you know, 44 Magnum on five fan autograph seekers. David Spade tries to shoot his fan. No, it was. David Spade brandished his bazooka.

38:20No one cared about that story, really. I realized, because I kept reading it, except for the fact that there was a gun mentioned.

38:31Dana Carvey:Yeah, that immediately sort of like you think a celebrity in a house. or anybody and then there's a gun present or a gun. I don't know. I had a friend back in the 80s and he came to hang out and stuff or stay overnight wherever I was. I think I was in LA. Really nice guy. Ward Steiner, I think his name was. And he had gotten beat up once, like in high school, really beat up. And so then he became the gun guy. So he would have three guns he'd bring out, fully loaded, super careful, 44s. And one time I was at the other cafe, a comedy club, late show, and some rough stuff was happening. And I knew that he always had a Derringer in his boot.

39:14Dana Carvey:And he's in the front row. And I saw him reaching down. And I went, no, no, no, no, no. Well, when you're getting pounded, maybe you go, hey, boot, boot. But I was doing the church lady before SNL in that. And I said, well, wouldn't be the best idea. Yeah. Well, keep it in the booth. Yeah. I was out with a guy. I think that story, but I just, maybe I shouldn't have said that, that I had a gun in the house, but I have been, I have broken into twice. So when it's going to be you or them, nobody wants to shoot anyone. It's terrifying. It's the worst thing you could think of. Right. But being shot is also a little worse than that.

39:55Dana Carvey:Well, you don't drink basically hardly at all and you don't do any medication. So you're completely. That would be the scary thing. But to our story, I have to say on the, we may have mentioned before, but Michael Jordan created quite a kerfuffle and especially in terms of people wanting to design or just - Oh, at SNL? Yeah, sorry. At SNL, nobody at the time I was there ever had that level of awe and get his autograph and stuff. Do you remember they stopped the cast from asking him? I It makes sense I think you told me that They said Marcy came around and said Nobody asked This is it This fucking People are bringing basketballs And a bunch of bullshit And fucking Lining up in front of his dressing room Which they were And writers And I was like I know Crew guys Because you had him trapped In his rooms Like Hey Big Mike But I will say I went out with this Unknown celebrity That was well known In the old days Probably 10 years ago And he gets in my Land Cruiser we're driving somewhere and he puts a big huge bag of cola and a gun in the glove compartment i go sure you want to keep it in my glove compartment what is he is this a gift or what is you why and i go well we what if we get pulled over he goes nobody's gonna hassle you that's all i needed to hear i go okay based on nothing no one's gonna hassle you about that i go oh no one cares about a gun and a bag of coke so uh that was me going oh and then you know what happened nothing nobody hustling it just became a different time you just have to assume everyone has a gun now you know back in the day the like the coolest weirdest kid in high school brad nichols had beetle boots and he carried a switchblade in the beetle boots and he was oh were you to kick it out and it's that oh it's great you know but still you can run away from that but just a 38 revolver i don't like what you just said you know no more road rage road rage just let them let it go no i know i think i think in the time now i'm trying to get back on and see you again i think the time now where i could when you're uh there's so much crime and there's it's so scary that people are following you or you just read every day someone else got shot stabbed yeah yeah it's it's going to be up to the people to fight back because there's the laws are protecting more of the more of the criminals no i don't i good get the good people who are really responsible that want to have a firearm to protect their family and themselves no problem just just not exactly not the bad people who want to hurt strand of strangers i know this is a hot take but i'm just saying no but you know listen let's worry about the victims just for a little let's go back to that for a little bit okay what else we'll do one more let me see sure sure got nothing else to do yeah i got tons to okay oh wait wait wait don't play this yet this is an old interview show hope it doesn't stick the whole time but uh i don't know who this is i thought you'd like it yeah it's just an old oh she was a nebraska celebrity interviewer 70s 80s and she would just she just had a funny way of saying where you would this wouldn't fly as much today okay let's let's let a rip this morning you got to work with burton richard burton yes tempest yes i did and now he's dead you know who his dad is his dad you watch bonanza i'm sure you watch the reruns of bonanza who's the sheriff on bonanza bing russell is he still a liker you've done some brilliant pictures you've done.

43:41Dana Carvey:Wow.

43:45Did you see the movie Raiders of the Laws, Doc? Have you seen it yet? Yes, I did. Wonderful movie.

43:51Dana Carvey:Do you know that he turned down the role of India? I heard that you turned down the role that you were offered the role. I wouldn't turn it down. Do you have any regrets about going into the series for MASH? No.

44:05Dana Carvey:He's the greatest.

44:10Dana Carvey:This is incredible. He looks evil. He looks evil. He looks evil. This is right after Jaws. He looks like a shark.

44:26Dana Carvey:I don't know. It's an old family trait. My father had those. It's making me soaked. Well, this makes a most fascinating look. You really look terrific. Thank you. Are you into yoga or exercising? No, I'm not exercising. You might just whip one out. I might just whip one out. Listen, you don't know to whom you are speaking because you and I go back a few years. But you weren't a model. What size are you? Tom, how do you kiss underwater without bubbles coming out of your nose and mouth? Let me ask you, how would you feel as a mother if your daughter were involved with your former love personally?

45:09Dana Carvey:How would you react to something like that? Look at her act. You know how invaluable your voice has been to you over the years? No, baby, tell me. Perfect. Can we do that? You're a new father. Can we do that? Of course we can. We can? Let's try it again because that was on the left side. It works, it works, it works. You don't consider it. I, uh, that like the new SNL cast members, female, watch this person. Veronica should play that woman. Yeah. I mean, the reason it, well, first of all, she had the guest selection. I mean, Jean Hackman was never on a talk show. She got Jean Hackman. I mean, it was all big stars and Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise.

45:52If you look back, yeah. L.A. Gould, Sam Watterson. Yeah.

45:57Dana Carvey:Watterson. Roy Schneider right around Jaws And you're on this dipshit show In some living room It's hysterical And she's such a ballsy bitch Yeah How funny, yeah Someone should play her From that era Interviewing new stars And whatever I think it's funny Yeah, but it was right on the edge of Like, is she in on the joke Or is she still just trying to be really interesting? You know It's funny Everyone's can Your show got canceled Yes What do you think of that? Yeah And that person you co-starred with is dead, right? And do you regret not doing MASH? Because they got incredibly rich. They really all made a shitload of money.

46:35Dana Carvey:What? I love it. All right, you want to do one more or is that it? If you can top it, that was really made me laugh. No, let's end on that one. We got to save something. These people are chomping for more. Is it champing at the bit or chomping? Last question. Okay. We have three questions. Oh, we have a question we have to answer. Oh, fuck. We have more. Okay. Three of them. But what is the question? Champing at the bit? Or is it chomping at the bit? Okay. Kevin Nealon recently made a post asking people what their go-to laxatives are. What are your go-to laxatives? Mine is nerves. If I'm scared about something, that sort of gets things into gear.

47:21Dana Carvey:I would say that the premise is if you need a laxative for your digestive system, it's because you're not getting enough fiber. So to get enough natural fiber, the amount of green peas or blueberries or all these different things you have to get, and most people don't get it. Green peas of all three? Green peas, three cups of green peas. I like green peas. 28 grams of fiber a day. So Metamucil. Mark that down. Green peas is just fiber. And your system really likes that. And if you are, if your digestive system isn't operating the way you want, I would recommend that. And I'm not a paid spokesman.

48:07For green peas. Okay. Thanks for clearing that up.

48:10Dana Carvey:But what was the funny part? What's funny about what lacks it? Why is that an entree into comedy? I don't know. Kevin is, I left a funny comment on his Instagram. Oh my God. What a score. I'm going to do another hiking with Kevin. I want to do one with him where I hike so hard that I leave him behind. Yeah. You put a GoPro on and he just picks up you from there because he can't keep up. Yeah. I wanted to do one called Strolling with Dana, but I thought it was too close. What about walking backwards with David? That's what I do sometimes. If my neck hurts, I walk backwards. You should do squinting into the sun.

48:57Dana Carvey:Squinting. David hates light. You're walking around. Okay, one more. And then we got to go. We have to. We got a lot going on. Okay, you read this one. Okay, where did you lose your virginity? Expand and expound on that. I know that's saucy. question where um where oh this young trollop no this young lady i had a crush on and it was the last month of high school took me a while and uh i walked her home from a boxer party and that's where that magic happened high fives all around i lost my virginity in a Sears department store Near where they sell washers and dryers Was it a mannequin? I don't want to say the person involved But it was It was a Sears department store For real?

50:00Dana Carvey:I won't say, come on we're a comedy show Oh no, I just said the real one God dang it Well what's the strangest place you ever You made Whoopi? Made Whoopi, I was going to, made Whoopi Why is Heather saying whoa, whoa, whoa Because she thought the Sears front loader She just goes whoa, whoa, whoa In a Sears department store Near the washer where they sell them That's a good one, by the drill bits So where's the weirdest place I've made Whoopi? Besides that chair last night Um I don't You go, because I know you're not going to give an answer Well let me ask you a yes or no Question Did you ever make love in the backseat of a car at a drive-in movie?

50:49No. I have a question for you.

50:52Dana Carvey:I won't answer. Are you in the Mile High Club? At Coy. The Mile High Club. No, are you in the limousine club? I don't think so. I said, I'm going to say it again. Are you in the limousine club? Are you in the Coy Club? You're being coy You're being coy about going to court No, I guess I'm not that fun Another question Where's the place you would like to make Whoopi But haven't yet? No one, you know, Jay Leno was smart about this When older comedians would come on The Tonight Show And do sex jokes Guys in their early 50s Jay was like, yeah, no one wants to hear someone older Yeah, they're right.

51:42They don't want to hear us. Yeah, they don't want to see us.

51:44Dana Carvey:They don't want to picture us making love. You know, they just want the jokes. And Jay's kind of always right about all his comments. Yeah, he knows what he's doing. He's got good. He still has good stuff. I've seen him recently. He's great. Okay, that's it. So thanks, everybody. Thanks for - We'll save our other questions for next week. And thanks for - Write them in. Thanks for being you. And that was a good one today. I was really happy about it. I was really happy. We rallied toward the end. Dana, thanks for letting me be your guest today. You're very welcome. You've been a good guest. You want to hear the answer to champing chomping?

52:23Oh, Heather's, I was saying, is the phrase champing at the bit or chomping at the bit? And Heather has the answer. I know the answer. Oh, what is it?

52:34Dana Carvey:Chomping. Nope. Champing? original is champing at the bit but chomping at the bit is more widely used but the phrase originates from horses restless and chewing their bits and anticipation so while champ means to chew or knock chomping is the authority oh chomping is chewing noises champing is when you bite down a horse bites down and then everyone just turned it into chomping because it sounded easier and it made more sense. I knew there was something with that. What's the original word for chump change? That's funny. It's kind of like chump change. Chump change, you know, that's sort of being a little loose with vernacular.

53:20Dana Carvey:It came from the Latin word chump and lino, which means chump change in Latin. I like when people call you chump. It's funny. Look at this fucking chump. Yeah. All right, chump. I'll talk to you next week. We'll talk to you next week. Same bedtime.

53:39Hey, guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a review, five-star rating, and maybe even share an episode that you've loved with a friend. If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung-Kaiser and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey.

54:07Dana Carvey:Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweetech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment. him special thanks to patrick fogarty evan cox maura curran melissa wester hillary schuff eric donnelly colin gainer sean cherry kirk courtney and lauren vieira reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show you can email us at fly on the wall at odyssey.com that's a-u-d-a-c-y dot com