It’s Okay, We’re Famous (Post Thanksgiving Special)

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0:51Dana Carvey:I've heard that. Snapple real fact 831. Adults laugh only about 15 to 100 times a day, while preschoolers laugh an average of 300 times a day. Snapple Real Fact, 1983. The first player drafted to play pro football never played in the league. That's interesting. Snapple Real Fact, 1274. Kickball is referred to as soccer baseball in some parts of Canada. Hmm. So, grab a Snapple. Take a second. Enjoy the moment. because let's be honest this might be the most refreshing part of your day snapple make your break more interesting imagine having a free day out in the town sitting down for a nice lunch relaxing then you get an alert the window at your home has been broken while you're miles away it's that kind of thing that can turn your good day upside down obviously that's where adt comes in adt security systems are built for situations like this they got 24 7 monitoring to help keep your home safer whether you're there or not no one wants to feel unsafe at home and with adt you won't that's right their systems are professionally installed by trained technicians so protection starts from day one adt also has the most company operated monitoring centers in the industry and the adt app lets you keep tabs on your home from virtually anywhere don't wait to prepare your home for an emergency.

2:19Dana Carvey:When every second counts, count on ADT. Visit ADT.com or call 1-800-ADT-ASAP. Hi, David. Sorry I came in mid-sentence. Just kind of peacocking in my coat right now. Don't worry about it. Mm-hmm. You like this shit? I'm organizing my hair to make it look disorganized. Nice. Here's what I say when I have a nice coat on. And I go, oh, here's actually a good one. Gervit says to me when I have a coat on, he goes, I got one just like that, except mine's expensive. Well, why should he tease the client that he has more money? It's so true that God dang agents and managers are richer than the clients. It's sickening.

3:05Dana Carvey:Hey, man, it all goes back to Colonel Tom Parker. Yeah, Elvis busting his hump. Elvis, let's get back out there. I don't want to do 700 dates, Colonel. I'm already 525 pounds. Oh, well, now you let me take care of all that flabble flabble flingle flingle. You go up and the people love it. Why? I always wondered what it was like when they first revealed to him the white jumpsuit. You know, we got something in mind for your next headline date. He pulls a curtain down Oh a black leather jacket No Wait a minute Why I look like a circus clown What's with the bell bottoms Well bell bottoms and what all the kids are doing I got a belt buckle Looks like a dinner plate You need a big belt buckle Cause you're the king Yeah If it catches a glare It's gonna knock out the driver of Atlas 31i hi christ sakes okay what did he play in the end of the time there circus circus was that it put uh put the king of rock up in some kind of netting device so that the gamblers can look up and see him have a pastrami sandwich coated with vicodin all right good you know i was staying at circus circus and my buddy works there and he said they built a new tower he goes you know it's going to be called circus circus circus and i go oh really and he goes guess what we have coming in 2029 i go circus circus circus he was who the told you i go i know i was just guessing and he goes no did someone leak that because we signed an nda i go well it really couldn't be any other name have you that's so funny that's from my old act when you go to vegas like i'd always be like oh they've seen my act right so then you'd go do crowd work and you say where you're staying and they say i'm at the you know and you go what a hole that's a huge laugh i'm at the hilton oh that's a but anyway but i used to they said circus circus and i go that's lousy lousy standing ovation i'm stealing that it's gone i forgot i met you i stole it in the lockbox slow motion of the audience after hearing lousy lousy

5:34then they butter their hands and whack off

5:41Dana Carvey:people think we're either hamming it up or we're punchy i'd say we're punchy dude i just landed dude first of all i will tell you all right wait what's my other story you're like just say you're stupid well no i want to hear it i know you i know you flew in here for just to do this podcast and you fly out in 20 minutes so i need to know it's called married to work and how much i give a care and nobody else cares i i care too deep that's my crime i don't understand a word you're saying i know i look kind of cool this is my coat i wore in the special nobody cares this is the coat yep it is huh well i do think the dandelion uh outfit was your wasn't bad right i thought it was good yeah dandelion is sort of swept the nation like the hula hoop like everyone we it's kind of fading now but everyone got into it everyone's all over it it was tick tock trending all this clips but it's fading out um i will tell you that i'll tell you quickly about my boring flight so i took a flight i went to arizona my brother's in the hospital so sending him good vibes by my brother brian so i went to see him came back and uh you know jsx is you know those letters when and they're used in that order.

7:11Dana Carvey:Well, I don't know what it means. Jumper seat X-rated? I don't know what I mean. Jet suite X, I think. I thought Jet suite. So it's like they get a Gulfstream. They get an 18-seater Gulfstream type or 15-seater, and you pay a certain amount, a little extra, and you can go to a – it's like you get to Vegas fast. You go to like – it's sort of – I think their motto is for the almost rich. So you go and you take – That would be you. Southwest flight, but it's, you just go to the hangar. There's no TSA. You just walk right on. You'd be there. You get there 15 minutes before. So it's a little more of a cakewalk.

7:48So anyway, I land, I, I go grab my bags. It's very casual. They just throw them off the plane. You just grab your own and get out. Yeah.

7:59Dana Carvey:Yeah. Okay. And so of course, cause I'm such a fragile dandelion. I, I have too many bags. So I grabbed the big one and I give my little one a ride on it. That's pretty smart, but I have one old SNL bag that is too heavy to carry all of them. So I go, I'll come back for this one. So I tell someone to guard it. That's like a year at the beach, watch my stuff. You know, that old, like they're legally responsible now. So I go, I'm taking it by my wheels. And I'm like, I literally go, these aren't glass anymore. These wheels on my luggage are so kick-ass that it's so smooth now. I went all these years without it.

8:38and it's like ice skating through and it was going and i go no it's kind of catching and i go i need a little wd-40 on these but i said no time for that i get it out to the car some guy is there he goes actually i'll throw these on go get your other bag so i do that he throws them on that's a big clue of the story i'm i'm just gonna say it i'm riveted

9:05Dana Carvey:glued to the set wheels on a suitcase first time only welcome to the 21st century no i'm these are good ones for the first time oh good ones not we had a great sponsor at great wheels they go in every direction you want to go this way or you want to go that way let's do either oh it's unbelievable you spin it yeah it's incredible it's usually if you're like a skateboard then you take a left and they go clunk and it falls over oh no no yeah if they're 360 yeah then you just yeah okay this is something we stole from the aliens this is why i believe that documentary okay so we do that i'm like trial i get in my boiling hot car boil sizzle drive i get about 12 to 14 in it heather calls she doesn't always call heather calls heather calls you're driving from the airport to what's there to talk about scary something's up oh it's like she needs something or yeah okay got it instead of texting or voxering me i go go for dickie and if i see heather's name on my phone i slam it against the wall as hard as i can why you know it's trouble i don't know it just sounded funny to say that you slam on your brakes because you know don't go any farther until you hear this call so i pull over i go what up okay so i sometimes go like this cello that's not so anyway i go what and she says um do you think you have your right suitcase

10:41Dana Carvey:oh she's that quick that you took the wrong one from the jsx jet talk about the wrong misty i got the wrong but and i go wow i bet i do because my wheels weren't gliding on the way out i had some dog shit mags on them i was like oh you're spider sense that this is a little rough but i was you know everyone's got to get heather i'm running how long how many minutes are you away from the jet when you get the heather 12 to 14 oh well she's a little slow for her so i gotta flip a bitch no it's not really she was no hero let's be honest they called her then she called you i still call that a hero we don't need another hero apparently it's currently that song but we got one so i flip a as they say in the movies and i and i'm not stoked but i go back oh i do jump out look even though i know for sure and it was like bill squank myron oh this guy's gonna be yeah so i go back there and i go hey it's all good i'm famous everything's fine i'm famous that's what i do when i walk up to like a scene of a crime or a fire or a car crash they got the tape i go it's okay every let me i'm famous it's okay i always do the same thing too if anyone any cop i go i know david spade i know david spade you know let me through let me through i did get pulled over here i think i said that on coming up here going up the highway and then the guy came around he looked at me you know this doesn't happen to me very often i was lucky it recognized me i was shocked we took selfies you go you know go a little easy on the pedal how fast was i going 200 no he said like it was a cheesy it was like 72 and a 65 oh you're not gonna pull me over that shit so you go back and then what what's what's the mic drop on this what's the next twist i think this is known as fizzling out on a story.

12:42Okay. I've got a 30-second story. I go there and the lady's there and I go, hey. I go, we can flip my jump out. I think she's just going to flip them and she just stands like a chewing her cud. I go, okay, it's going to be muscles. So I pick their 50-ton bag. I would have known it when I threw it in. It was so heavy. I go, what do you got in here? Kettlebell selection? No, wait. What do you got in here? Kettlebell collection? god dang i almost had it and then um what do you got your baby's first bricks

13:14Dana Carvey:what'd you put in your bag arnold's question you've got him

13:26i'm in the wrong van

13:31Dana Carvey:i knew it the whole time can i tell you my 30 second story or yeah or you know that's pretty fizzled out i milked it dry i don't like to fly like you i've been in you in a turbulence where everything's bouncing the cart's flying hitting the seedling and you're like just totally calm me trust mr pilot man you're like a five-year-old pilot man will take care of us i'm too too much information so i get on a plane in vegas and then they come on and they go and i checked the luggage believe it or not they go uh we this plane is not going anywhere folks we're going to have to have you depart and we're going to have to get another plane and and bring it here so usually when things go bad they stay bad when things go good they stay good so i go i gotta i'm getting off the plane i'm not taking i'm i'm getting out of here so she goes well your bags are checked and going over there i'm getting out of here you know what i mean so she said all right no she did go okay you did the church lady or did you do the hollywood minute i did them both yeah whatever so she let you off the plane she let me off the plane she got went down found my bag and got it out to baggage claim within five minutes I have my bag I'm not gonna deal with the airport anyway I've already called a travel agent I have an SUV waiting for me within 12 minutes of sitting on the plane I guess we're gonna start flying pretty soon I was on the freeway and I I could see the plane and they could probably hurt me, but I honked and flipped them off.

15:05Dana Carvey:Fuck yeah. I was like mad at them. Because they almost took you down. But I'm spontaneous like that. If the pilot said this. All right. Folks, we're going to appreciate your patience. They always appreciate your patience. best judge best folks um we are not being let like when i went to arizona i get on i'm not feeling great i get on slam the door i go just let me get through this flight i'm all cooped up i don't like it slam sweating i feel like for some reason maybe hung over and the second they lock us in he goes i appreciate patient folks they're not gonna let us take off it's some sprinkles in scottsdale So we're going to sit here for minimum 45.

15:54And so you can't, don't stand up. Want an active tarmac. So Spade doesn't like that. He's freaking out. And then I'm doing some deep breathing. Luckily I bought little kettlebells.

16:08Dana Carvey:Have you ever had this serious question? I don't know if it's funny, but right as it's, maybe it's kind of weather or whatever. We're all packed in, we're going. And then Ryder's about to close the door. This guy comes up the aisle and he's got a water bottle and he's drenched in sweat and he just belts just bolts off the airplane and you go what does he know oh like final destination he was clearly got spooked like no i'm not buying this and hmm summer what do you think about summer coming up sneaks up on me yeah i know it is coming up i'm trying to juggle plans juggle meals and enjoy the weather right instacarts made that easier i I can sit outside, build my car with everything I need for the week, not have to step away from what I'm doing.

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18:51Dana Carvey:You know, David, their European linen pants and shirts are also total staple starting at just$34. Sounds crazy. $34. Quince keeps their prices 50 % to 80 % less than other brands by partnering directly with the ethical factories and cutting out the middlemen. They even have everything from upholstered sofas to premium bedding if you're looking to upgrade your space. Yep. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash fly for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. that's q u i n c e dot com slash fly for free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash fly i didn't you know when my probably two flights ago this is getting extra boring but so yesterday i don't love he said something like he he goes we've got a little thing i'm just gonna have him come look oh yeah i remember i think i told you said five out of the six lights are on but one's not working right deep plane anyway enough of that shit yeah that's airplane stories are airplane stories for you we don't even have a sponsor for the car long segment and we have a sponsor for what else this is this is our i just uh remembered a thing i did a sketch on snl once and there's you this is our show after thanksgiving and bonnie and terry churn really liked that i think it did okay you might have been in it it was just about people relatives driving into your house for thanksgiving and there's a 25 30 minute conversation about which highways they took oh we went on the 280 to the 154 and the other guy's like oh jesus christ i was on the 101 and then i came down 19th avenue who gives a shit shit that one might have turned into the californians because that was back in our day but i don't remember that one it was maybe yeah that was pre-californian and so it's similar like they just talk about their boring way they got there it is it is very true though yeah californians uh fred armison which i always said no you guys took it further he said he got it for me when i used to do that kind of dude in my act like what's up dad that kind of thing yeah that's kind of like we were we were taking a core kenya man it's funny yeah they make it even more corkscrewed face they make the weirdest accent that's really nothing they try to outdo each other so it's just not even english you should totally go in venice

21:38yeah it's so dumb that was from fast times at ridgmont was one of the first

21:43Dana Carvey:sean penn doing the malibu guy was but coli sean penn yeah man that guy has a lot of range he was so good in that freaking movie was sean i know that dude yeah he said so many funny things in that movie yeah uh it's cool what else tell me more did you see wicked are you still in line what are you doing i would it it outperformed i was kind of happy for them what i did on a day where I just had a case of the fuck it's you know just want to turn everything off I'll go to like a matinee that is empty so the one that was playing at the time I wanted to go that was fortunately empty was Running Man oh yeah you see Running Man I saw Running Man can we talk about this already I know but I saw it now I've seen it and I had low expectations I enjoyed it.

22:38Dana Carvey:I thought it was really fun. I wasn't comparing it to anything else. I think it's a good popcorn movie. Glenn Powell handles the comedy and he can play the action. So I thought it was good. You know, a big part of movies is not going in like, this could be fucking epic. You just watch it and then, you know, you just see it. Would you call it running man? I would just say this. at this point in my time on the planet i like clicking the phone off and putting it down and watching a movie and no one's supposed to talk and it was the theater was empty and it's just quiet for two hours at this point they could show me anything i'd be kind of like i'm meditating or something theaters are good for that because it's really the only time you try to not look at your phone and just you can't really do anything else when i watch movies at home I told you I started watching Pluribus because it's a funny name yeah I saw the first episode of Pluribus Pluribus but don't tell me anything because I got through about half of it but I'll finish it well here's my question for you why do people see a movie that they clearly would never like when the ticket prices even for matinees are like 20 bucks we went and saw the Springsteen movie my wife and I and there's these two teenage girls right to the left down there they were utterly uninterested all they did was check their phones it was bright light and they're just rolling they look up once in a while either born to run even if you're a fan that one's a strug how was it is it a bit of a snoozer i don't know i'm always giving them the benefit of the doubt i think um it's it was a little it wasn't up it was a little kind of it was around a dark time of spring scenes he he wrote nebraska did it on acoustic guitar in his room i found it interesting and i thought uh jeremy allen white was really great so i just saw how hard movies you know are to make i'll just tell this to anyone listening right now if you want to watch a great movie it's called heaven can wait it's with warren beatty diane cannon charles groden we watched it again the other night we'll see it isn't it good yeah it's so good and it's so charming and charles groden darling put there the bumbling murderers and she's screaming and james mason is sort of like a god character it's just so good you know i would tie in a run to that because you said charles groden you talked about killing it midnight run yeah that's good that's another one the best buddy two-hander movies comedy i mean i don't know if it's talked about enough that one really knocked me out um sometimes you see the jokes you go oh those jokes are kind of corny you go no this is where they started there's some movies where typical jokes started and you've never heard them before and then everyone does like a spin on it but that one had a lot i did charles groden for a while and actually did him on snl when i guess hosted but he has such a dry deadpan he did have a funny you know darling darling you know oh what about foul play foul play another one chevy and gold he was so good in that and so the unsung hero of that one because those two are so funny obviously here's an interesting thing about charles groden so he gets into the 90s and he kind of announces that just generally speaking i don't like making movies you know sitting around being told what to do nah i don't like it he's brilliant in movies yeah and and then he goes and then he does a show i think on msnbc like a little talk show oh and i go i go on it and he goes do johnny the whole time so it was a 20 minute interview and i just stayed in johnny carson the whole time well he is he was bit of an odd duck because when he would do maybe letterman and he would be like he was kind of mad at letterman i never knew if these things were a bit and it made me laugh and i'm like something's wrong but even in the movies when i was younger i didn't know when people were so deadpan they were doing it on purpose i'm like what's going on here yeah i know and buck henry yeah oh you know it's a great movie while we're doing them i'll give one vote for man on fire drama kind of thriller what year was that denzel dakota fanning oh yeah chris walken it's kind of a heavy movie like a tony scott movie or something it's so cool denzel washington is just he's the pretty safe bet he's the coolest because he's not really out there and he's just he's uh tick tock every day you look at jackass the equalizer and he plays it so brilliantly he's in a cave and he's got two guys with machine guns like this.

27:29Dana Carvey:He's got another guy with a gun on, really the gritty. And he goes, all right, this is what's going to happen in 10 seconds. And he starts his watch and then. Oh yeah. It's so hysterical. I know. I love it. He walks in, puts his little thing. The best is when there's bad guys in the room and like he comes in, they all see him and they're like Russians drinking and they know there's trouble. And he goes, I think you're in the wrong room friend friend does me by the way they don't mean they're friends right and then he goes i i think it's time for you to go friend you don't want trouble and he goes okay and then he goes back and he puts his stopwatch and then he takes the lock and goes click and turns around they all go what the fuck he locks himself in that's a good that's a staple started in coward of the county song well not only is he going to kick their ass he's going to time it for his own time for some ocd weirdness they have guns and there's like 10 of them 300 pounds ready to we must break you yeah all right okay is that what you're gonna do is that that's your plan over well let me just check my watch here i'm gonna lock me self in yeah and then they all wait to fight one at a time you go beat up now i go okay beat up oh man why don't you do or i'll do it an action film because it's all just all i have to do is go like that and then sound effects yeah i've seen them with sound off and they look so stupid they're missing you can't you can see it's like not even really a good fight but when it's like yeah because you don't have to get close at all if i was going to slug you in the face you know yeah i could be a foot away you just have to time it i don't know if you'd be capable of that though

29:19how was how was your thanksgiving

29:26dana i don't know if you know what time it is but it's time i think it's buzzing around on fly on the wall this is sponsored by five hour energy's new gingerbread snap flavor

29:40Dana Carvey:tis the season for tasty caffeine with five hour energy shots that do what bring they bring the festive vibes anywhere with portable resealable two ounce shot yeah you got it in your local retailer amazon or www.5hourenergy.com to order yours today so yes i'm to give dana we've done this before right but i'm going to give you different people post thanksgiving oh thanksgiving scenario is you i have are going to do tony montana i'm going to do tony montana and then i'm going to surprise you okay so i'm surprised but this is not i just have i just have names i this is not scripted no no never is that's why it's can people tell it's not scripted no it's funny.

30:34I like that.

30:35Dana Carvey:All right. So this is Al Pacino's Scarface, Tony Montana at Thanksgiving dinner. Here we go. Action. Look at his fucking face. Here's you, Dana. Paso sweet potatoes. I look around a table, man. I don't see any sweet potatoes. Why are you doing them? Well, Adam Sammler, what are you doing here? I heard you're in a Jay Kelly. You're in a Jay Kelly? Always in a Jay Kelly. Oh, he's in a Jay Kelly. You sound like a baby. What the problem, man? Jay Kelly, you got to get an Oscar. No matter who. Who put your mic up for me? All right, Mike. Jay Kelly, what you doing? Jay Kelly is the movies and the Netflix continue.

31:29Dana Carvey:Jay Kelly, what are you doing, man? No sweet potatoes. What about you? You take him, Rob Schneider? You take the sweet potatoes, Rob Schneider? Okay, what's he going to say? No! Oh, yeah. I like Deuce Bigelow, man. I like it, man. I see the movie. I see it on Netflix all the time or Amazon Prime. I see it at Deuce Bigelow. You're a crazy guy. You run around like a crazy man. Funny. Thank you. Thank you very much. All right, what is this? Joe Biden, what are you doing here? at Thanksgiving time. Where's the sweet potatoes? I'm not kidding around. Where's the sweet potatoes? He doesn't even know he's at Thanksgiving, probably.

32:11David Spade.

32:12Dana Carvey:Oh, no. David Spade, you're a Danly liar, man. I saw it on Amazon Prime. A Danly liar. It's a good man. A lot of jokes at Danly liar. I get the gist, man. You make a lot of jokes. You like to make a jokes. Christopher Walken, what about you? what did i say oh what do you say let me interview you david spade now i got you here no sweet potatoes man you're like a little danny lion instead you eat a danny lion why you call it special danny lion hey it's rob again listen i saw you had cocaine there that's a pretty big line but guess what you can do it well i love when you say this is rob again all right this is stony montana again okay All right.

33:00Dana Carvey:Okay. Christopher Walker, man. You were in two episodes ago. What you doing in this? I'm five hour energy. You shouldn't be in this episode. You gotta go, man. No. I told you, you gotta go. No. Don't go. You'll see why he's so overstayed his welcome. Oh, and Wilson. God, there's a big table. It's a big, it's a big attack. You had to put the extra leaves in. Okay. Sorry, man. We don't have any sweet potatoes. I don't give a fuck. What's the fuss? What the fuck does it matter with you? They can't use it with a swear word, so I said, fuck you. What the fuss? Rob Schneider, Adam Sandler. What the fuck is that?

33:50Dana Carvey:David Spade. I get the gist. What's that? You in the preachers at the 50th? You're phoning it in? I get the gist. Take a break. You steal the fucking show. What is that about? What is that fucking shit? Don't give me that. Give me Five Hour Energy. I'm losing my impression. You're doing good. Listen, that was buzzing around. That was, yeah. Next week, did they ever get the sweet potatoes? We'll find out. That was sponsored by Five Hour Energy's new gingerbread snap flavor. Feel your holiday hustle with as much caffeine as a 12-ounce premium cup of coffee and zero sugar available in stores, Amazon, or online at www.5hourenergy.com.

34:33Dana Carvey:5hourenergy.com. And that was written word for word. Not. That was really good. I like these. You can edit. I like it. No, they're too good. I liked it. I was able to go. I was able to go. Yes. I was able to go. Oh, I was telling you. You play. I have a quick question. You did me in there. You put me in as a surprise and I liked it. I was in Phoenix and I shouldn't even say this, but late forward, I stumbled across an old window and I pushed the wrong button and it came up porn.