Jim Carrey Conspiracy, Lamar Odom’s Cocaine Summers, & Amanda Seyfried’s Prosthetic WHAT?!

6:30Dana Carvey:Here we are. Be prepared to be.

6:34David Spade:Yeah. Oh, my God. Look at that. Look at that. On the neck? The neck. Bleh.

6:39Dana Carvey:Oh, you need a tattleneck for that. oh yeah it's a swollen neck or it can be the side or i think it can be anywhere in your body my god and guess what happens if you puncture it

6:55David Spade:dr pimple popper comes with that wendy's salad sneeze guard stuff around her does wendy's have a salad bar i've been there in a decade I used to go.

7:08Dana Carvey:It has a sneeze guard on it. I'm kind of amazed at the burger franchises that don't do advertising and still exist. They crush it. I know. I don't understand. I'm the number one guy.

7:21David Spade:I'm still so Joe Dirt. I go to drive-thrus. I go in a lot. You go in a lot? I go in there. Dressed as Joe Dirt? No, just that I'm a dirt ball. I go in. i like the drive through you know and then you do little characters to it yeah i do little

7:41Dana Carvey:impressions and characters i want them to recognize me no i i get this when i'm tired and i'm driving it's the only time i go to mcdonald's regular cheeseburger small fry small coke and that carb salty sugary bomb gets me 200 miles oh it's great yeah they think it's

8:00David Spade:for a baby they go okay is there an adult in the car that wants anything well it's just it's just me and if they don't have what i want i just i kind of go oh heather and i know what that is that's hysterical okay oh i should have went like this yeah that's better yeah all right well before i tell you what that is which we know what that is but i was at mcdonald's and you know dana when you go in and they know you it they get distracted from the order so i go quarter pound with cheese fried and they go oh were you in benchwimmers and i go yeah and we'll talk about that let's just get this order and then at the end i get the order and it's wrong i go i i didn't order spaghetti you know but i don't say anything i go in and they go hey were you were you on television

8:57Dana Carvey:are you somebody and then and then i go yeah and they go do you know david spade that you have a do you know him you do a podcast with him but do you know him i was once in a movie theater and they kind of tagged me and then they came and got me and brought me out into the foyer and they said

9:16David Spade:hey do you know adam sandler that's a big one that's a big one this was a while back but he still had he still had you know hit hit after hit i had a fun dinner with chris rock and adam was not adam was coming and then he goes oh wait i thought it was friday it's tomorrow i go no we're already here he's like oh no so chris is like spade it's just me and you and did it get awkward did it get quiet or can you guys can we had nothing to say to each other no chris is one of he is pretty funny as we know that's an understatement yeah well he's got that he's got

10:00Dana Carvey:that thing of like he likes to take a big subject and he's brilliant at it a big giant thing and then he'll just drop in like this simplification that sums the whole big giant thing up you gotta have material or whatever it is on stage you know that's his uh his cool move i almost said a joke

10:21David Spade:but it's too dirty i'm trying we can cut it when he says everything twice the black guy don't eat the the black guy will not eat the and then go white guy will no the white guy he will everything's twice i know

10:43Dana Carvey:he funny well he says before he starts a special he takes time off from stand-up he watches evangelical preachers and they go and the Lord cares about you the stage is 300 feet

10:56David Spade:wide walk to the other side I said the Lord cares about yeah they do repeat also yeah he's good he's got a good style and uh super funny in real life which is really the hard part and he is oh this brings us to Jim Carrey the big debate Jim Carrey at the Caesar Awards in Paris it's like the Oscars for them and he got a much deserved was a lifetime achievement award didn't jerry lewis get that i

11:25Dana Carvey:mean the french love physical comedy i'm not sure what he got but it was big i did see a clip of it

11:30David Spade:yeah but the problem is they say his face looked a little more circular it's it's sort of is it him

11:38Dana Carvey:or is it not that's how they don't just say that's ridiculous publicist has confirmed it was indeed

11:45David Spade:him who intended that oh okay so his publicist has to go out on a limb and say yes it was of course it's jim carrey yes but you know how the internet gets so they say there's definitely some lighting some things maybe he had a few squirts a few pulls and pinches like uh everybody because that's just the way it is here we're in hollywood but no one's shocked by that but he He looked a little more full than he is when he, you know, people haven't seen him in 10 years.

12:16Dana Carvey:I don't know if it's been that long, but I thought he looked healthy. That's the main thing. He looked good. I don't know anything about that. He probably, you know, they say you go away, you're rested, you come back. But yeah, he looks good.

12:29David Spade:Well, he's got money for food. I mean, if he put on a few pounds, he's always skinny. Who cares? But anyway, I was out the other night and they were like, David, David, is it a clone? because there's a theory that there's a guy that impersonates people and he wears a mask, which is a whole nother thing. They said Joe Biden was a guy with a mask sometimes. I mean, these masks are so good, so it could be almost anyone. But that one was almost not good enough to be Jim Carrey. It was too full. You know what I mean?

12:59Dana Carvey:Right. You've had apple dumpling cheeks and, you know, nice head of hair. I'll just say one thing to that, that people think it's the mask. don't don't don't know don't don't don't know don't don't don't know can't tell can't tell not sure not sure it's a mask don't don't can't tell can't can't can't tell don't no can't tell the mask is not for sure not a mask six not a mask not a man

13:37Dana Carvey:By the way, I'm never going to be on this podcast again without sunglasses.

13:43David Spade:Why? Is that cool? Are these the new ones, Heather? Because they look bigger. I don't know if these are the new ones. I got new ones because I lost the other ones. You know, Heather, when I walked in last night, they were sitting right there. Did you find them? No. Fudge.

13:58Dana Carvey:I have my cool ones. maybe when we take a break i'll go back i found my cool ones i lost you ever lose something for like three years and then you go yeah that's where they were or it's in a coat i wear this

14:12David Spade:black coat and these shades and i sit in the back mcdonald's like this i go what i sit like fonzie whoa they go were you the guy in bench warmers like hey not now man hey man and then with me

14:24Dana Carvey:Do you know the guy that's in Benchwarmers? Not now. Not now. Not now.

14:29David Spade:What about let's look?

14:31Dana Carvey:Not now. Not now.

14:33David Spade:It's not a good time to ask him.

14:35Dana Carvey:Don't know the Benchwarmers guy.

14:37David Spade:Happy mad.

14:39Dana Carvey:Well, you got to do the falsetto for the second part. I know.

14:42David Spade:I like that.

14:43Dana Carvey:Happy mad as a... That's like the fluke, you know.

14:48David Spade:Dana, it's time for a little five-hour energy action.

14:51Dana Carvey:Yes.

14:52David Spade:You know, I like... I dabble in five-hour energy to do a little wakey-wakey. I don't mind a little energy in the day, and I don't want sugar.

15:03Dana Carvey:Yeah.

15:05David Spade:And this is a little sippy sip. Fits right in your sock if you need it to. Everyone's seen them. They're this big. Yeah.

15:13Dana Carvey:Absolutely. That's what's great about them. Confetti craze is one of their new flavors. Tastes like birthday cake. I mean, that's the thing that they're doing now is all kinds of flavors. with five-hour energy, so you can pick your favorite, vanillary and buttery flavors. It doesn't need to be your birthday.

15:32David Spade:Because Dana, when we're out, you're always telling the restaurant it's your birthday to get something free.

15:38Dana Carvey:Right. Yeah, and it's my anniversary again. Oh, yeah.

15:42David Spade:You were milking that one last week. You're like, it's that again this week. Yeah. But 17 flavors.

15:49Dana Carvey:When you're out, you always take off your sweater and then you go, it's kind of cold in here. Can I get a down vest?

15:54David Spade:I go, it's kind of cold. Can I get a free meal? I'm freezing.

15:59Dana Carvey:Yeah, I mean, it's sort of weird. You have some picadillos.

16:03David Spade:But confetti craze is great. It's a little buttery. It's a little vanilla. It's like birthday cake.

16:12Dana Carvey:Basically, they're giving you caffeine now, five-hour energy shots. And get this, sounds like a lot to me, 17 flavors. 17.

16:24David Spade:It's not too many. It's a lot, but at least it gives a big selection. And you don't get a sugar crash. You just get a little...

16:38Dana Carvey:So I'm excited.

16:39David Spade:They're on. You can get these at, you know, obviously, 5hourenergy.com. You can go to Amazon. They're stocking up. I'm stocking up. i have to load up talking up because i kind of buzz through them pretty quickly cake on the brain confetti craze it's back uh you can go five energy.com amazon the funfetti flavor

17:01Dana Carvey:is back on five hour energy.com or amazon crack open confetti craze five hour energy shot today if you're like this and you gotta be like this it's five hour energy yeah take that to the bank All right.

17:20David Spade:So this podcast, uh, Dana is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one platform that helps you build a professional website. It's what you need. Showcase what you do, grow your brand. And then it's all in one spot. Uh, whether you're starting from scratch, you're scaling your business, your, uh, Squarespace gives you the tools to succeed online. And this is the kind of stuff you need. They walk you through it. It makes offering services easy. know you can list consultations events or experiences accept payments online and even send on-brand invoices all from your own little website hmm you know uh the built-in appointment

18:06Dana Carvey:scheduling and email marketing tools make managing everything so much simpler which honestly saves me a ton of time and the design options are incredible i mean start with david the blueprint ai or pick from their award-winning templates then drag and drop your way to a site that perfectly matches your style it feels professional it's highly polished and completely on brand even if you don't have any design experience squarespace also makes claiming your perfect domain simple and secure I'm always dragging and dropping so your business can be online

18:45David Spade:and protected from day one go to squarespace.com fly for a free trial and when you're ready to launch use offer code fly to save 10 % off your first purchase of a website or domain but anyway do you ever lose something and

19:03Dana Carvey:you're so frustrated like your wallet your car yeah yeah and you're looking in the freezer and you go okay what if i actively tried to hide it from myself oh forget that i used to do that with drugs yeah yeah i must have hid it from myself because it's nowhere in my in my purview anyway um and where'd you find it at your house you know what's missing a wad of cash

19:31David Spade:i used to have a lot of drugs and then of course i sneeze and they pop out of my butt and i go

19:37Dana Carvey:that's always the last place you look why don't you say butthole you want to say butthole i do you do i'm cleaning it up for you well butthole is more like third grade and wiener is like fourth grade so keep it in that primary school area see now you got i like it but this says where where Where is it? Where, where, where is it? Bunghole. Bunghole.

20:03David Spade:Where is my one percassette I can't find? Is it in my bunghole?

20:10Dana Carvey:Bunghole? Bunghole is even grosser. Beavis and Butthead join the podcast? Bunghole. Is it bunghole? I predict that in the comments, it'll be at least 40 of the people will be doing the uh you know kind of tom cruise mission

20:30David Spade:impossible thing it's hard to do the joke without saying it because you have to hear it inflection exactly well let me see to wrap up jim carrey i will say let's wrap him up oh i checked in on him i checked in on him just to say congratulations much deserved because we're friendly at least i don't seem like i said i might are you in mao he lives in maui i thought and i said if we go out to a movie there later this year are you there and he said i think i'll be back there by then so i think jim carrey was just jim i didn't ask but i think he won the award

21:08Dana Carvey:and i think everything's normal i think he looks great it's obviously jim carrey and we should say because we can be sincere you know he is brilliant i mean his of course physical comedy uh starting

21:22David Spade:with ace ventura which i turned down no you did not i did but they didn't know my god but jim

21:28Dana Carvey:carrey was was way better than anyone else could have been in that role because i was watching with nicholas cage they're good buddies in toronto in a movie theater and he he created this new idea of being a comedian on screen like hyper reality like what do you do i mean just no sense of anything being real and yet he was so committed because the guy guys to raise him in the police station razz him hey what are you doing ace and go oh i wonder it's like williams right so times a hundred

22:02David Spade:and it right and i think i think when they were saying about that back then was it was just a goofy movie maybe being passed around he says he'll do it he didn't make that much but he's like let's just do take a huge swing and it'll miss or it'll hit and chances where it would miss but he's he's actually kind of a good looking guy he has a rubbery face and it's and he's got a good voice and he's very it's somewhat something about is so hilarious he does it really well whatever

22:34Dana Carvey:he's doing yeah he beat himself up in a bathroom one of his movies i mean he was rubbery bodied i mean he actually when he auditioned he could put his foot over his head so um yeah so he's one of a kind well deserved in the french french went gilipot but this is what they're saying you interpret is it you were a clone well that's what they're saying is uh is it really him is he da mission impossible mass could could could be a mascot could could could be in my french that's you

23:19Dana Carvey:it's hard to do dana i know it is bet you let us i do a lot of fake language you do a lot of fake

23:25David Spade:fake languages and they all sound real.

23:27Dana Carvey:Because I like Sid Caesar. Pizza, pizza.

23:34Dana Carvey:What did I just say? That's not the real David Spade. Can't you tell? Look at his sunglasses. He's got the eye that's having trouble.

23:46David Spade:What about SNL did the thing that we were doing last night?

23:51Dana Carvey:We did Deepak. Right. and I didn't, I wasn't really, because I saw a comment said, I owe Earth an apology, but I didn't. Oh, really? Yeah, but that's all right. I wasn't. Yeah, it's the one comment. But what I was really trying to say was that would subconsciously what they're thinking, would they blurt it out? Kind of like Tourette's, but not literally. And that was Deepak Chopra with the Epstein file saying, bring your girlfriends i mean his was pretty frisky i don't judge it i don't know it i don't think so we got a frisky got a thing so that was just deepak chopra with sort of involuntarily spasming into his true self right like love and consciousness and this and spank me with a spoon you bitch and then he's he's convulsing so that's what that we've explained that one now how do we explain what you did last week no i'm saying that's i'm saying snl did tourette's and it got cut and it also was just celebrities blurting out subconscious thought celebrity impressions

25:01David Spade:blurting out good snl staple yeah that have had their problems in the past and blaming them on

25:09Dana Carvey:tourette's yeah exactly so it's kind of like mine they're blurting out what what they really want to

25:14David Spade:say yes i thought sarah sherman was funny as jill zaron and keenan uh was he was cosby i just thought

25:23Dana Carvey:cosby is such a funny voice and just said what because the man said what the pudding in the

25:30David Spade:dough and it's just such a funny rhythm you know but yeah so did they cut it because it was offensive but those things on the surface are funny but if you look too deep about Tourette's yes it's

25:41Dana Carvey:a little offensive but right they do i don't you know i don't think the intent is you know it's also because tourette's was in the ether because of the n-word debacle like 10 days ago right so

25:55David Spade:it was just in the ether now here's something for the audience for you all right i'm here to educate you now i actually have a question for you um hang on hit the button

26:10Dana Carvey:we still don't know what it means uh we will this is going to be explained we're going to pay it off

26:20David Spade:when they say cut for time yes are they literally pulling that from dress and airing it well it was nothing gets caught on the air no it must have been no it can get cut on the air

26:35Dana Carvey:for time but it's not shot and cut right if you do it on the air it's on the air well right they might put it on youtube if they run out of time well no i see what you're saying they would cut it yeah they would cut it on air so if they did it it meant they had time to do it they would use it

26:52David Spade:from dress but on air it got cut while they're doing this they go let's just do the dress version

26:57Dana Carvey:and then the dress one got leaked or put out or they just put it out yeah they do it i think it's

27:03David Spade:because when I saw that I thought it was funny and I thought it was on the show yeah we used to have sketches cut back in 1885 when the covered wagon we didn't have YouTube we had lube when there were sketches it was literally a sketching out a scene Lorne Michaels was 17

27:28Dana Carvey:years old and we had to put ointment on his pimples before the show started why is he old so old who is he but uh yeah that's uh that's cool that things can live on youtube

27:43David Spade:you know if we had that i'm so jealous of that well we got a lot of stuff on youtube you got a

27:49Dana Carvey:lot everyone's got a lot of stuff on youtube now yeah now way too late by the way the uh airport security thing with sharon stone where i do an indian guy couldn't do it today whoops uh and rob schneider and kevin nealon that was 16 million last year now it's like 22 million i think it's from that era of a different kind of era where there was a lot more you know kind of non-pc stuff yes because that's what marcello said to us when he was doing an italian waiter sketch he looked at the italian waiter sketch from the 90s and he goes that was so much funnier but we explained well we got to do a lot of different edgy stuff then so yeah you could have full frontal nudity

28:33David Spade:back then also we did it oh we did a gig um while we were gone we did a gig and it was hysterical So Dana Carvey, I hate to admit, really crushed.

28:48Dana Carvey:Well, I have.

28:48David Spade:And it's great. You set him up for me. Spade came out with total destruction. Spade came out, but Larry Bubbles Brown, your friend, came out. And we can explain the button.

28:59Dana Carvey:He's our opener. He's a brilliant comedian. He's hysterical. And kind of the motif of his act is that it's self-deprecating, like life didn't work out for him. Someone stole my identity. Now they can't get laid. And then he says this. Sort of like it's a, someone stole my identity. Now they can't get laid. And that's like, as an emphasis. And the audience always loves it. It becomes a catchphrase. So he's selling these. And next week, we'll tell you where he can buy one if you want to buy one. It's fun to have it around if, like, is dinner ready? You know, no. So it's any kind of. And Larry Bubbles Brown, he's based out of San Francisco.

29:43David Spade:he's um he's a san francisco treat you know i remember his name from the old what was that just for laughs newspaper san francisco comedy competition and all the clubs who's playing where

29:58Dana Carvey:i love that yeah and paula poundstone the great paula poundstone uh one night was introducing him and just said oh here is larry bubbles brown because then he comes out sort of as like

30:12David Spade:like you know oh he's he's kind of a downer and is that where bubbles came from yeah and that's

30:18Dana Carvey:where and then it just stuck larry bubbles brown oh you know what's funny is that when i was in

30:23David Spade:one of these gigs in oklahoma this maid gets on the elevator with me housekeeping and she goes uh she's an old black lady and i said uh oh hey and uh i said how you doing today she goes oh Oh, David Spade. They said you were in the hotel. And I said, she goes, oh, I'm not going to bubble you up like they are. Bubble you up? I won't bubble you up. I know you don't want to get bubbled up right now. And I said, no, I do like to get bubbled up. Never heard that term in my life. Loved it.

30:54Dana Carvey:Instead of butter you up sort of? I guess. Oh, you're getting all bubbled up. Get your head all big.

30:59David Spade:Yeah, it's like I don't want to fluff your feathers.

31:03Dana Carvey:Yeah, I had one. I'm not going to tap your tummy.

31:07David Spade:Is that what they say?

31:08Dana Carvey:Yeah, I ain't going to tap your tummy. I know everyone here is praising you. They like Wayne's World, but I ain't tapping your tummy.

31:15David Spade:I'm not going to spank your spankter.

31:17Dana Carvey:I knew that was coming. I will not photograph your private pot.

31:25David Spade:Wait, fluff your feathers is a good one. And a good ego boost. That's it. It's an ego boost. Butter your buns. Oh, yeah. Butter your biscuits.

31:34Dana Carvey:um they're usually i had like 17 i was there a day early so i had like 17 room service orders you know because you can't get a snack you're in the tower and you're like uh oh we're in a tower of

31:47David Spade:a casino hotel and it was so busy there's so many people there you know the casino itself is very nice thunder valley and it's great for them to pack in 4 000 people i'm always like where are they coming from it's in the middle of almost nowhere this is always the case i was shocked

32:03Dana Carvey:That thing, I went out there and looked. I go, we're in trouble. It's actually 4 ,500. Where are they going to come from? It's a little bit off the beaten path.

32:14David Spade:I loved it. They all showed it because we went to dinner and everyone was there going, hey, we're all coming to the show. Once they're all there, there's like three restaurants.

32:24Dana Carvey:Right. I asked the guy, why are you coming to the show? He goes, it's the only show.

32:29David Spade:Yeah, the only game in town. I'll take it.

32:31Dana Carvey:In Vegas, there's like 1 ,900 shows. But it was an incredible audience, had a great time. We should go back at some point. Isn't it kind of—

32:42David Spade:Go ahead. Go ahead. No, I thought you were going to talk about the war, but I think you got something for that.

32:46Dana Carvey:Oh, no, the war? Well, words aren't funny, but Trump is still amusing. I guess there was a submarine, and we sunk an Iranian ship, and it hadn't been done since World War II. So Trump was really not since World War Two, if you can think about it. Look at that. Not since World War Two. Pete Heggseth, he's a smart cookie. He's a tough cookie. He's a cookie monster. But this time he went further. I mean, he's a he's a vicious ding dong. You remember ding dong? These ding dong hostess, you know, a little bit of frosting. They're good. You know, he's a vicious ding dong. Pete Heggwith is a tough. He's a moist cookie.

33:27Dana Carvey:He's a honey bun. He's moist and soft with cinnamon, that guy. He's a hostess cupcake with a squiggly frosted. You remember the squiggly? The icing. The icing. It was a squiggle on top of the cupcake. It's icing. And the press goes, what are we talking about again?

33:47David Spade:He's a tough Twinkie.

33:50Dana Carvey:He's a hoey ho-ho. He's a tough ho-ho. You remember ho-hos?

33:55David Spade:Very similar to ding-dongs.

33:57Dana Carvey:fencing ding-dongs he's a maple bar he's a maple bar he's a sweet member the maple bars you gotta remember the bear claws the claws can bite you like pecans pete pazuki he needs

34:11David Spade:oxygen by the way hegseth is a tough word to work into the whole exit i had some idea of it i just

34:21Dana Carvey:went from cookie monster he's a vicious ding dong i thought that was funny yeah like remember the squiggles i did this two minutes ago remember the ding dong he took a little bit a little bit of uh frosting and chocolate covered cookies he's a tough ho-ho he remember the ho-ho he's a jumbo honey bun soft moist with honey glaze he's a sneaky hostess cupcake you remember the squiggles so that's what I wanted to do, but I just didn't get to.

34:50David Spade:It's funny.

34:51Dana Carvey:That was exciting. Then I went to the pharmacy and I wanted to get a beard trimmer. So I, but they're all locked. It's funny. Shampoo's locked. Everything's in the hole.

35:01David Spade:Even where you are, it's locked. This is horrible.

35:04Dana Carvey:I know. You got to press a button and then you want to just kind of get something and get out. And there's like a customer help. I'll far. Everyone's looking. What does he want? So she comes over. Hi. And so there's regular shavers at one side and then there's the manscaped side. She's like, which one? Which one do you want me to open? Do you want me to open this? Let's open this. So you want, and she holds it up. Do you want this one?

35:27David Spade:The manscaped? For your nutsack?

35:29Dana Carvey:And on the front of it, it says for down there. No, no, I just want the Noroco. You sure? You sure you don't want?

35:37David Spade:What do you got going on down there? We want you to trim the hedges a bit.

35:42Dana Carvey:And then she says, do you know Joe Dirt?

35:45David Spade:dude i do that i have to buzz the buzzer and the guy with the keys comes out takes and they go like this we got aisle four uh yeah it's like preparation age all that stuff

35:54Dana Carvey:so they come in and i'm like i don't know if you need to if you have to lock up the toothpicks folks i think we're losing the battle against crime yeah we we've got uh paul mitchell shampoo for everyday use everybody let's tighten it up in here yeah i'm gonna open this up i want everyone to be on alert. All right? You two in the farm. When we open it,

36:15David Spade:if we get rushed,

36:17Dana Carvey:we're going to have to use a drill. Yeah.

36:21David Spade:I'm not even interested in anything that's not locked up because I'm like, this just shows me what's valuable. I'm like, oh, so the Q-tips are what everybody wants.

36:30Dana Carvey:It was weird. They had Joe Dirt signed autographed posters for the Joe Dirt poster and they were locked up. They were locked up. I did a signing.

36:40David Spade:I just sat there with a card table and signed them.

36:43Dana Carvey:Yeah, you did your pharmacy tour last summer and you signed.

36:46David Spade:I do all the CVSs, all the big ones. You. No, I got to tell you that it's, the crime in LA, I don't know if people think we're joking. They lock up almost everything in the pharmacy. And so you go in and you go, I got to get this. Then they got to unlock it. I'm like, and then the people, you know, the mayor was like, you know, you should really work on making your store safer and locking more things up. I'm like, how about we just don't let people steal it? You know, like, let's make more laws. That's crazy. That is crazy. What am I saying?

37:20Dana Carvey:In New York City on the corner, when I was back there doing Biden last summer, living on 57th Street in this hotel, the pharmacy on the corner had like an army man, a flak jacket, and I guess an AK-47 with combat boots, just standing for the opening the whole time. You know, it's kind of intimidating. and you know, I'd like to get a Cadbury bar and suddenly I've got a Glock 45 in my face.

37:45David Spade:Quickly, this is an Abba Zabba if you want to pat me down.

37:49Dana Carvey:Yeah, you know, I hope you keep your grenades holstered because I'm just looking for Bazooka Joe, you know.

38:01David Spade:Pardon me for having an extra peppermint patty.

38:05Dana Carvey:if you keep your you know your beating baton you know kind of holstered I I just want to maybe get a diet Pepsi if I could no you're a wonderful smart team it's great if a criminal gang comes in here I'm sure you would be terrific to have but I just want sort of a smaller Cadbury bra

38:28David Spade:I love it so much so funny

38:34Dana Carvey:trying to get a couple lifesavers i know so in our comedian brains we're trying to go the weaponization of the guy the baton the grenades versus the the more meek and friendly

38:46David Spade:and microsoft yeah yeah the normal people that are terrified to go in because the worst is when you're standing there waiting for the four-hour line and then someone just rips something out walks out and they're like we're not allowed to follow and we get fired i'm like something's wrong

39:02Dana Carvey:with that system do you ever turn around at a pharmacy especially a crowded one and you just grab something you turn back and 19 people have gotten in line while you turned away for a second yeah i just i was here i bought myself a half hour yeah have you ever gotten your pills and

39:20David Spade:they're like putting all your pills out and when it looks and then they go do you need a pharmacist to tell you how to uh uh put these uh how do you how to do these and i go i i know how suppositories work i just stick them up my butt and i yeah butthole yeah you just stick them up your bung

39:37Dana Carvey:hole i think it's sweet you know when a senior and i really a very uh elderly gentleman kind of trundles up and and he goes hey uh i and he's got his joke that you can tell he's used a thousand times there's something sweet about it hey uh there's a rumor that there's some medications waiting for me you know you can tell it's his go-do thing that's funny and i know and the people are so friendly they're like yes mr wilkins just like last week at any rate pharmacies are weird you know my whole deal with pharmacies so i know let's not get you going don't get me going on that

40:17David Spade:save it for next week all right let's do let's do our five hour thing yes yes you guys we're gonna do buzzing around applause man five hour energy look i'm not this is what we're talking about buzzing around their fruity rainbow flavor treat your taste buds to an explosion of fruit candy flavor with a tasty caffeine kick. Get candy flavored chaos with fruit rainbow, Five Hour Energy shots. You can get them at fivehourenergy.com or Amazon. And this one today is going to be, if you get a scenario, I'll bark out a few celebrities.

41:03Dana Carvey:Okay.

41:04David Spade:I haven't seen John Kennedy in a while.

41:06Dana Carvey:I'm going to put him on a life raft after the cruise ship sank so there are a life raft in the ocean let's I think you know maybe Travolta I think Travolta because I did him at that casino and I kind of like visiting yeah 1972 John who's the nicest celebrity I've ever met if it's possible and then I guess Senator John Kennedy is always fun in the life raft and you can always chime in um and then i just maybe i think let i'd be funny if dylan's in the life raft too i'm trying to think of the most and uh maybe michael cain and and uh uh a big one timothy chalamet and then maybe burgess merritt okay i'll cover that okay i'll throw to you okay yeah okay all right here we go so they're in the life this is so ridiculous so dumb you know okay suddenly i'm beating punchy yeah you know this is like so weird i'm in the middle of nowhere in a life raft you know there's no paddles anything i say we just paddle with our hands and try to get the fiji or something like that What do you think, Senator John Kennedy?

42:29David Spade:Says their full name. Did I just wake up in stupid town?

42:37Dana Carvey:You're suggesting that we will paddle with our hands 5 ,000 miles to the island of Fiji. Your words, not mine. What do you say, Bob Dylan? Hey, there's no rules. When it comes to paddling, we can go anywhere we want. We can paddle with the left hand, paddle with the right hand, as long as we're going in the right direction. Right, Michael Keane? I think it's obvious that we should light a flare. There's no reason, there's no reason to bloody paddle across the Atlantic Ocean or Pacific, wherever the fuck we are. F.L. can light a flare Right, Timothy? Hey, hey, come on, man No, seriously, we should light a flare, man Hey, this is Timothy Chalamet We should I play Marty Supreme We should definitely light a flare, man No, we can light a flare, I'm telling you, man Right, Burgess Meredith

43:43David Spade:Paddling This paddling's gonna hurt your poignant, Rock You can't paddle I bet you haven't battled For 20 years I'm poignant.

43:54Dana Carvey:We've got to have Stallone in the life raft. Hey, hey, what do you mean? How are we going to paddle? We don't have a paddle. You know what I'm saying?

44:04David Spade:This paddling's going to hurt you, Rock. It's going to hurt you poignant. Poignant.

44:12Dana Carvey:No,

44:16David Spade:I need a defibrillator.

44:17Dana Carvey:right hey i think it's a great idea just paddle everyone right senator john kate now did i wake up one morning yours this is what you call a madhouse your words not mine your words not mine

44:34David Spade:I'm not known for my physicality.

44:40Dana Carvey:I am 75 years old and you want me to paddle 3 ,000 miles?

44:48David Spade:I'll be doing the navigational participation.

44:54Dana Carvey:And, you know, by the way, the cruise ship is about 50 feet from us. So this fantasy is all over. let's get let's get back on board get back on board all right that was buzzing around

45:09David Spade:starring dana carby sponsored by five hour energy's fruity rainbow flavor treat yourself to a candy-like flavor explosion explosion satisfy your sweet tooth with the zero sugar treat once again you can get in on this candy flavored chaos online at www.5hourenergy.com or amazon today applause applause that's right you know bussing around

45:34Dana Carvey:still going by the way i had warmed up then we stopped go ahead oh there's the there's the ship

45:41David Spade:that got blowed up who's that that's that's travolta seeing the iranian ship you know this

45:49Dana Carvey:is like weird there's a ship that got blowed up by the peak health sky you know he's trump says he's tough like a ding dong, you know?

45:58David Spade:By the way, do you think this war, how is it going to affect the Riyadh Comedy Festival? I think that's what everyone's asking.

46:05Dana Carvey:Is there another one?

46:07David Spade:I'm sure next year, yeah.

46:10Dana Carvey:Oh.

46:11David Spade:They might have to put a pause in it. They might have to put a pin in it. Yeah, I'm just saying.

46:16Dana Carvey:You know, like, don't want to have to do comedy with a flat jacket on, you know what I'm saying?

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48:05David Spade:It's always amazing to see how quickly your child grows. And I'm not just talking about their height. From those early babbles to full-on storytelling, getting to watch how their ideas, creativity, and confidence develop over the years is honestly pretty incredible. Sometimes they surprise you with what they come up with, and LEGO bricks can be right there with them through all of those stages. It's not just a toy, it's a full creative building journey that keeps evolving as they do. LEGO Sets Play starts as early as one and a half with LEGO Duplo, the bigger bricks designed for little hands that are just starting to explore and build.

48:41David Spade:Then around age four, kids transition to the smaller LEGO bricks, and suddenly you're watching real structures take shape. Real ideas form, and their imagination really take off. They begin with simple stacking, but over time they grow into full-on creators, building worlds, stories, and things you never would have expected. That's the kind of magic of Lego bricks. You're not buying a phase. You're starting a journey. Learn more and start building today with Lego bricks. All right, let's go to a few stories, even though we're running late. Let's see what's in the news.

49:15Dana Carvey:Let's get a couple stories. People want them.

49:16David Spade:Okay. A woman sent her ex-boyfriend over 1 ,000 pounds of onions so that she could make him cry the same way he made her cry. I like they have this AI photo of this guy scratching his head. This is probably, I don't know if it's a fake story. It's like a joke.

49:34Dana Carvey:Well, it's not real.

49:36David Spade:Nobody sends 1 ,000 pounds. I mean, 1 ,000 pounds. You know how much money she would have to spend?

49:41Dana Carvey:Well, and the energy and the money. How about one onion? Yeah. I think that this is made up I'm going out on a limb it's a hot take

49:50David Spade:how about just put a fart in a jar it's a lot cheaper that's what I do when I'm in a pinch for a present

50:00Dana Carvey:fart in a jar there's girls that sell those

50:02David Spade:and you'd be shocked Dana I have to cover your ears and protect you from what's going on out there

50:08Dana Carvey:I don't want to think about it there was a Christmas tradition at the Carvey house we're in our 20s where we farted a jar you would do a diversionary gift and see if someone was sad you know like you don't a gift would be a bottle of heinz ketchup and go you like it don't you it's bottle of heinz ketchup they look disappointed and then my brother had a little keyboard and we'd sing a song you can take it you could take it take it take it back you know return it so okay well those are my fun christmases right this sounds really good that sounds like a blast all right next story

50:44David Spade:By the way, we didn't tell the audience you did chopping broccoli and you did an acoustic version.

50:49Dana Carvey:That was.

50:51David Spade:Remember that, Heather?

50:52Dana Carvey:I started on piano.

50:54David Spade:Heather filmed it.

50:55Dana Carvey:Oh, yeah. I started on piano and then something some clubs didn't have pianos back. This was pre-SNL. And then I sort of adapted a D little to C to little E little runner. Yeah, I know the language.

51:09David Spade:This is that this is that master class thing. OK, here's our next story. Lamar Odom. claims he'd be in the hall of fame if not for his quote great cocaine summers

51:22Dana Carvey:yeah i mean i'm happy for him he's joyous he made a choice uh he won a title didn't he yeah with

51:29David Spade:the lakers yeah i think so i mean also people are mad that he didn't he break up with chloe twice

51:36Dana Carvey:i don't know well now i stung them a little bit in votes never break up now here's one rule of life if you've landed a kardashian with a seven billion dollar empire never break up with a kardashian my words not yours my theory already single um okay okay next story i was trying to think of something or two of them okay There wasn't much there.

52:07David Spade:Don't worry. Yeah, I'll tell you in a second. Okay, I don't know what this is. Let's see it. Me that most of. Some of these accidentally are serious.

52:16Dana Carvey:How do you know that? Because I am one. It's the best acting job in Hollywood, or at least the one that's the most consistent. What? This would be shocking if it's true.

52:24David Spade:It was during Rick Caruso's campaign to show that he was successful in poverty. Rick Caruso's got wins to grow, which I go to without being paid. Yeah, it's quite a place.

52:33Dana Carvey:This guy is saying, he's an actor and to make money they go to the Grove and walk around.

52:41David Spade:At the beginning of every shift you get your loop.

52:45Dana Carvey:And he's paid to hang out at the Grove? Yeah. Why?

52:49David Spade:His loop was parking lot to the theaters and back.

52:52Dana Carvey:He's not a security guard?

52:54David Spade:He was an escalator guy for the first six months. He was going up and down the escalator.

52:59Dana Carvey:Down to the people right on the trolleys. Those are all extras. You don't need as many because that's obviously the most regular people are getting on that call. So what, he just walks around and that's his job? Yeah, that's the funniest part. If it's true, it's crazy. Are you doing improv or what are you saying? Yeah, mine's non-speaking.

53:13David Spade:Oh, he's a non-speaking interaction. So he just walks with like a fake guy. But does he have a little sign? He's wearing a little hat that says the Grove. No.

53:21Dana Carvey:How do you know he's not just a dude walking around?

53:24David Spade:No, he just... I don't understand. They want the Grove to look packed is what he's saying. so they pay them to come walk around.

53:32Dana Carvey:Oh, okay, there I go. So there is a reason. They just pay people to look like the Grove is, yeah.

53:37David Spade:Look like it's bustling. Mm-hmm. And right after COVID, he's saying they had to do that and he got paid. And his loop was escalators, movie theater, and back. And someone else is like, I go to the fountain and to Zara.

53:49Dana Carvey:What a job. I mean, it's gotta be at least 15 bucks an hour. It's LA, right?

53:55David Spade:I could get my steps. My maximum steps in one day is still 13 ,000,

53:59Dana Carvey:which is considered nothing well where are you strolling or are you actually working you know what you could do is walk down the hill where you live wrong walk down the hill to the bottom not back up and then grind back up no dana yeah no heather could film me doing it sorry do it

54:22David Spade:easy you're the people i almost hit coming up my hill because there's no sidewalk

54:27Dana Carvey:here's an impression of me going up your hill when i drive up it okay on the way to your place

54:35David Spade:oh dry here's my impression of you here's you walking my hill no stress

54:46Dana Carvey:here's me trying to reach for the intercom to get to the gate separated shoulder and then you look at the gate and it's like uh-uh uh-uh

54:56David Spade:hey heather here's bobby lee pulling in my gate scrape he wasn't even looking he wanted to scrape

55:05Dana Carvey:i know it's really a badge of honor because instead of wiping his butt he scraped it along the river fives now it's a good it's a good story sorry i'm saying all right one more punchy story i know what i was gonna say you would have been the greatest uh cast member in the history of SNL if you hadn't insisting when you were off camera wearing the Gap Girl outfit that was such I would have been in the SNL Hall of Fame

55:38David Spade:if not for that

55:39Dana Carvey:yeah but you were always dressed in the Gap David do you have any sketches and I'd look over and you'd be in the Gap Girl outfit and I'm like this is not

55:47David Spade:at the time it seemed like it made sense because I'd wear it to the cast party afterwards but it was stupid and it kept me out of the first Ballot Hall of Fame.

55:57Dana Carvey:I went to the Emmys dressed as the church lady once. Yeah, that was fun. Jesus. Oh, boy. Oh, boy, that was not good.

56:08David Spade:Well, well, well. All right, we're going to end with a banger. This story is good. All right, this is it.

56:13Dana Carvey:Pressure's on. Drum roll.

56:14David Spade:Amanda Seyfried wore a prosthetic butthole for her new movie, Testament of Anne Lee. Why? I think I need more to this story there's her with her regular butthole that's just her in the press line I don't even know what this movie is about why do you need a

56:37Dana Carvey:that would denote there's some filmography around that particular part of her anatomy and yet she wanted a fake one

56:47David Spade:what does it say right there is this people magazine No, it's page six. Amanda had a cool and exciting time using the prosthetic butthole filming. Read more. Yeah, we need more to this story. Right. This may have to be a cliffhanger for next week's podcast. Well, if you're showing your BH, you might be showing your P also. Let's be honest. I don't want to talk about it. I don't know.

57:11Dana Carvey:This is a wiener heavy show. I think we've jumped.

57:13David Spade:This show is a disaster.

57:16Dana Carvey:Can I just say something about that actress from my favorite film this year, Housemaid?

57:21David Spade:Housemaid.

57:22Dana Carvey:Did she get an award nomination at least for that?

57:25David Spade:She was good in Housemaid, yeah.

57:28Dana Carvey:She was kind of a co-star. She could have got a supporting actress. She did get best butthole.

57:35David Spade:She got most realistic butthole.

57:37Dana Carvey:All right, we've passed. What we have now officially done. I know, we're in a weird area. Said the word butthole 20 times.

57:51oh no don't next week this one i know we didn't wait i mean a lot of people ran

58:00David Spade:i'm sorry larry's like that's not how you do it that's not you're ruining it well this is just my

58:05Dana Carvey:new toy we'll be back next week how you can get it and you have it out in the kitchen we're plugging other people's merch we don't even have our own where's our fly on the wall sweatshirts those sold out fast we got to get new ones i want i like the the sweatpants i wear them to the gym because they're more comfortable and no one notices that they say fly no they're cool so

58:25David Spade:that's kind of cool right yeah uh okay well thanks for coming on dana i know you're busy boy i love being on the david spade show and my uh i will hopefully by next week will be all right i'm

58:37Dana Carvey:wearing sunglasses next week i'm just gonna pre pre-order that come see me in durham or charlotte coming up or nashville or pittsburgh or he spade is a killer i was going on second that night and i was in the wings and i just said to the sound guy is there any way we can give them a lighter because you were getting you were levitating the room and i was like fire you know what we did that was good after dana crushed and then we went out together to go hey everybody and then we saw two the sweet young women dressed as garth and one is joe dirt and they were together standing together that was hysterical in the front row i can't even that's a psych that was

59:27David Spade:that was great we should have gotten a picture with him but uh next time we do something that

59:31Dana Carvey:big we should get a picture of heather come out so we're like in the audience behind us because There's a lot of people who don't believe it was 4 ,500. And we'll post it.

59:39David Spade:And we will post it, yeah. Okay, let's do it. And I will see you guys soon. We'll see you next week. Thank you for coming.

59:47Dana Carvey:Thank you for being here. Right.

1:00:05David Spade:If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung-Kaiser and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey.

1:00:21Dana Carvey:Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet Tech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment. him. Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hillary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney, and Lauren Vieira.

1:00:44David Spade:Reach out with us. Any questions to be asked and answered on the show, you can email us at flyonthewall at odyssey.com. That's A-U-D-A-C-Y dot com.

1:00:59Thank you.