Jizz-Lane Maxwell Updates, Pest Control Tips & Joe Dirt Tunnel Walk

0:00Dana Carvey:All right, we're pure chaos over here, Dana. We got it. Phew, man, these are... Welcome to pure chaos. These are, you know, they're not easy. People go, what is it like? I go, you don't want to know what it's like. I go, wouldn't I want to know? People go, Dana works hard on these. You breeze through it. I go, no, we both... I said, believe me, Dana comes out of the bar and he's like the Amish. She goes out there, busts his hump. So your thing is never let them see you working. Never let them see you sweating. I'm out there going, look at my funny voices. Like me, please. Mine is never work. No, I tell Gervitz, I go, I want a job, but I don't want to work.

0:47I guess you don't like money. I do like money.

0:51Dana Carvey:You don't like money. I'm your manager. Someone I knew ran into him, and of course he went, Through all of it. Really? Hey, handsome. Oh, who's funnier than you? Yeah, he goes, I'm having lunch with Spade. He goes, what, did you lose a bet? He's got his tricks. Full of quips. Yeah.

1:13And I go, hey, where are you having lunch, Gervitz? And he goes, information is power. Money never sleeps. Strictly need to know basis.

1:22Dana Carvey:Yeah, he's got them all lined up, man. he just he repeats them all right before he falls asleep i thought i was gonna get more for that the landscape has changed good night manager landscape has changed who's funnier than you handsome oh my god all right call you back are you calling me back on what that's just how he hangs up call you back call me back anyway dana what's been going on we've had a week off let's Catch me up on your stuff. I'll catch you up. All right. Well, I have a few current event things that piqued my interest. So it looks like they may, it probably won't happen anytime in the next week or something, but Jizzain.

2:06Dana Carvey:Jizzlane. Jizzlane. You can't make that up. I looked it up. That's the correct pronunciation. Jizzlane Maxwell. Jizzy Lane, you're in my bungalow. yeah what's the well the possible correct pronunciation go ahead just let's just call just late let's so i'm imagining that she's in front of a congressional hearing and i'm also acknowledging to myself that i don't know what she talks like she's never really spoken so here is senator john kennedy he's in on it he's well he's a congress guy uh miss miss jizz lane is that real name did i get that right you were sort of what we call the point person for mr jeffrey epstein that correct did i i get that right and what was your job in that scenario and we don't know what she's going to sound like well you know when i was on the island with jeffrey i set up the lounge chairs and get the sunscreen in the water for everybody.

3:10Dana Carvey:And then if a VIP wanted a date, I would go and look in the bungalows and make sure the hidden cameras were working properly. I'd wipe off the lands. You know, I think that's what we call in Louisiana a bombshell. Did I get that right? I don't know if it's a bombshell. It was just another day on the island. it's the day at the office so that's it i like it yeah that's one of mine what do you got let's go put the water wings on the girls and uh yeah make sure the blackmail stuff is all lined up make sure the cameras are recording properly you know we want to make our guests happy but no one knows what she talks like maybe she'll talk like that maybe i'll be my best impression if she gets in court they're trying to drag her in court right drag her they want to drag her in and this thing is just going on and um they're going to interview her she's the last living person that has all the records i don't know i'm just saying it's still a story right and she was really robin it was really batman and robin so if robin's there you want to try to get some info they say oh there's nothing to worry about because he's dead but i think she's more worried about all the alive people that are on tapes or something right if these uh these people did something illicit on an island with underage whatever's then maybe maybe we have the right to know though i think those uh powerful people are nagging at her in the back of her head like they might be a problem if i rat everyone out but hopefully something comes from it um yeah the other when i was I stopped in Arizona.

4:52I went to a Morgan Wallen concert, or as my mom calls him, Wallen Morgan, which actually sounds like a real name.

5:00Dana Carvey:Wall Wall Geegan. Wall Wall Geegan, isn't that his name? There's a lot of country guys out there. Morgan Wallen is doing very well. I like Shabbadabadoo. What's his guy? Oh, yeah, Shabbadoozzy, Jafloozzy, we had on SNL. Yeah, yeah. So what is Morgan, what's he doing? What's he up to? So Morgan, he had two shows there at the Cardinal Stadium. So he can do stadiums, right? He has two nights. I love it. He has someone from, I've seen this on Instagram or something. He has someone, preferentially from that city, walk him out. So I've seen, so you know, if you're at a stadium, it's a long walk from the dressing room, like when the team comes out of the tunnel.

5:44But before that, he's got a dressing room in the middle of the stadium and he walks out. So hang on with that video. So he says, hey, why don't you – he asked Theo to call me and say, would Spade ever want it? He likes Joe Dirt. He goes, would he ever come out as Joe Dirt? Walk me out.

6:01Dana Carvey:Okay. I'm intrigued. So I said, I don't know. Then I go, you know what? It kind of would be fun. This is kind of the place to do it. so Heather and I dusted off an old Joe Dirt wig and then we mullet yeah a real one from the premier yeah from Joe Dirt 2 and then I found my real janitor shirt from one I said I don't want to walk out with you why don't you come and pick me up along the way because it's too long of a walk to be funny so here it is we'll just show you a clip put the volume up let's see so he's playing a song yeah and

6:41there we go oh they knew right away so you can see the crowd underneath it's on the big screen

6:51there's Heather filming this you see it's on the screen also

6:56Dana Carvey:60 ,000 it's hard to think of little bits to do well because it's all miming visual little hug and I run off like joe dirt when kid rock yells at me kind of little yeah super fun you didn't get to talk as joe dirt you know it was enough where they just saw they could see that it was a but it was good they remember joe dirt and they recognize it and then it was funks it totally fits in with morgan he's got a mullet and he's big superstar well you know i mean did you have any sense that maybe you you go with the shirt like this and it would say fly on the wall. Now on Monday, laser disc. Oh yeah.

7:39Fly on the wall now. And even more confusing times, which is keep them guessing. I think we should tell people that are confused. Just keep checking. It'll there, there will be two a week and still be two a week. So you will catch them.

7:55Dana Carvey:And as if we're not confused, I mean, like kind of have some empathy for our position. It's Monday, Thursday. It's not any of the days it was, which would have helped. But it's Monday, Thursday. Okay, this just came in. I don't know if this is true, but Jisane got a call in jail. And I guess they released a recording. Let me just play it. I listened to it when you were doing it. Could you act it out? Yeah, she's like, hello, who is this? You're not going to go anywhere, are you? You're not gonna What, who is this? I wouldn't do it I wouldn't testify I would do it Who's that? Trump's telling him?

8:42Does it sound like Trump? I mean, I would guess If I had to say

8:46Dana Carvey:What I heard in the recording Is don't do it Don't do it And if you look at it And you think about it You wouldn't do it She's like What are you talking about? Should I fix the secret cameras? That was what I heard And I don't even know if that's real um speaking of trump can i do a current event 100 so now he came out today and this will be an ongoing story that russia was the ringleader for the russia russia obama was the ringleader for the i did hear this yes and so i heard this is on daily mail that springsteen called him to offer support you know like hello who is this it's bruce springsteen how you doing Mr.

9:27Dana Carvey:President. I'm doing fine. What's up? I heard Trump threatened you. I just wanted you to know I got your back. Oh, okay. But I think I can handle it myself. No, I got your back. Believe me, I got my boots on my big boy pants and my cowboy hat. That's six feet of Bruce Springsteen coming right at you. All right. Talk to you later. I'll keep that in mind, Bruce. Six feet of pure Springsteen coming right at you. All right. I think it's not a problem. I'm going to fuck him up. Fuck up Michelle. I'm talking to Bruce. I'm going to fuck him up. Boom. so these are just things i hear do you want to do one we're baking a fun cake today i just wanted to say i like these are what everybody wants short little fun cake this is something up your alley you could lean in on this first liam neeson and pamela anderson are an item yes yes good luck i have skittles remember taking good luck I have skills Listen Miss Anderson I've got skills I've acquired As a lover Make me a dreamboat For a Baywatch Little beauty like yourself You're kind of intense I know I was born intense Fuck yeah he's a stud dude I hope they are going out I like her I like him Yeah she's cool I hope Naked Gun is good I mean it's funny to do the Leslie Nielsen part it's ballsy but he's kind of a funny guy to do it because he's so serious the more serious he plays you can't play it too serious I'm going to see it I'll give a full effing review you can't play it too serious Mr.

11:11Dana Carvey:Spade I have skills I've acquired shut up maybe he'll start that speech he better do it in the movie I bet he must do a part of it of all the guys over 60 they want to be action heroes he got taken and that still has not been topped and that speech was uh you know just incredible whoever wrote it by the way every movie i've seen him since is like taken from an igloo taken from it's all the exact same movie but just the different surroundings they they wronged him and now he's gonna write it and they said hey um liam could you not say skills this time but kind of this all right all right roll the cameras i have talents that you can't believe yeah talents that make me a nightmare cut can you not say nightmare all right i'm at video village while you're doing this i'm like i have cameras i have i have uh talent that make me uh uh make you feel bad if you if you come in contact with my talents i'm leonese and they Hey, cut.

12:15Dana Carvey:Don't say the name. Your character's name is Joe. Oh, it's his name, Joe. I'm Joe. I'm Joe. And I've got a dream of hurting. I have a dream. I want to. My name is Joe Dirt. And I know you're way off. I have a meteorite. He says, he says, you know, I have a dream. And they're like, don't say I have a dream. It sounds like Martin Luther King. And he goes, okay, I'm the guy from Taken. They go, no, don't say that either. Don't say the guy from Taken. Yeah. They go, I have a rowboat. Cut. What does that have to do with this scene? You're in a warehouse in the middle of nowhere, 20 guys with machine guns.

12:56Dana Carvey:I know. I thought it sounded good. I've got a rowboat. And if you're not in it, you might be a nightmare. No, there was a flood. And he goes, I have a particular paddle boat. And I know how to paddle. And I know where you are. I have a bowl of mashed potatoes. that I could smash in your face and make you dream bad things at night. Cut! We might call them smash potatoes after. Thanks, I just wanted to add that. Did we get that where we cut already? Any kind of gruff voice is suddenly, Hi, I'm Pamela Anderson. Hey! Hey! She's cool. That's a nice beaver. Thank you. I stuffed it myself. That's from the real show.

13:39Oh, that's from the show. That's from Naked Gun. You know, Naked Gun 33 and a third was directed by? You'll never guess.

13:49Dana Carvey:Tom Hanks. Pete Siegel. Pete Siegel. I like those. And I do think that if there is such a thing as timing, having a Naked Gun, just ridiculous laughs per second comedy right now, I think they've hit the zeitgeist right now. We could use it, I think. We could all use a laugh. We could use it all the time, but especially today. especially in this climate yeah uh okay what else you have other stories don't you and then we'll get to the regular well this is this is this is a story this is a news flash so we had a pest oh i heard about this okay we're hearing all over the chat rooms noise is in the attic

14:34Dana Carvey:and i'm thinking it's nothing you know These are phones? It sounded like a phone. The old dial rotary. And then it's like... And then under the thing, it was going... Joe Dirt. Joe Dirt. Joe Dirt. It just sounded like Joe Dirt. So this went on for two weeks. Maybe they're playing clips in the Morgan Wallen walkout. The animals. Do you think it's a raccoon? What do you think? I immediately go to rat. Oh, yeah. I go to rat. Safe bet. We had a super happy, cool pest control guy. What's up, man? All right. So we showed him how he could get in the attic in the garage. And he goes, I am so going up there, man.

15:26Dana Carvey:I'm so going up there. All right. That's really cool. I got a new ladder. You want to see it? The guy was like, so then I come back. I go, how was it? He goes, hey, guess what? that i found a cute little feller and it was a little mouse that got into a sticky trap we didn't even know there were sticky traps up there with a little mouse it was quick he goes here's this little feller he's cute though you know well that'll be 648 so my wife i couldn't hear she closed the door i heard her say what was she talking about she was making out with an aardvark in the other room but basically we heard noise we got a guy and he was very cool i man i was so happy to be out here and help you folks you know just one of those nice don't you have stories like that and you're i like the guy he might have been all starstruck by you well he started calling me dana which is pretty cool i had sunglasses on inside just to be sort of cool and um i just was like so you really like just crawling in attics where there's rats and feces yeah i do man it's a calling dude i like it dana hey dana hey how's that guy david on the on the podcast i thought i saw him at uh morgan wallenshaw i was out there and he came out but they didn't let him talk so i'd heard that story before the podcast you know it's funny we were talking and they go you you can't hear morgan um well he said you know i have this earpiece in and I can't hear anything.

17:02And then when he comes out, he goes, so when did you come in? While we're walking out. He's trying to have a normal conversation. I'm like, oh, hey. I got in last night, but I'm leaving in the morning. And he's like, oh, cool. So you've known Theo a long time. Theo says you're a cool guy. So we're talking. Meanwhile, the crowd's yelling. And I'm like, hang on, I got to do this. What's up, huh? But when I was in his dressing room, and we were bullshitting, and then I put on that wig and everything and his shirt. And then I come out, and they're all standing there. like and i go you're gonna stand there owning a firework stand i go right into like joe dirt jokes

17:37Dana Carvey:so it just fit like a glove you just it was fun yeah i mean the wig isn't perfect but it was pretty good and then it was just a good throwaway but you know for comedy jokes i i walked i go this looks like a two minute walk and i go it's about two minutes i go i said can he come pick me up so we cut a little of the time out because i don't know what i can do for that long i mean if you're just walking it's one thing like the night before you had randy johnson who pitched for the arizona diamondbacks he's like that randy john hall of famer yeah who used to have a mullet and you don't have to have a mullet for this job i believe yeah and he uh he would pitch and his fingers would touch the catcher's mitt he was a tall a tall man ed uh he actually uh would shake hands with the uh the batter yeah exactly after he threw the pitch he'd say here while i'm here let's just high five each other yeah so they're going to seattle next i go who are you gonna get to walk in there's some fucking nerd so he's just well that's not nice yeah no we cracked up it was fun you were killing you know it there's a great time something to do i don't go to the stadium concerts by the way just his merch alone was raking it in raking it well what why don't we just to amuse ourselves book a stadium like we'll four wall it if people don't know that like we'll pay for it and we'll paper it and so we'll play a stadium and we'll ask Morgan Wall if he can repay the favor and come walking out with us yeah he might he's a pretty nice guy I know I mean I'm just envious of musicians I would love to have been just comedies like what's up what's up I know and they just like I was Yeah.

19:26He's got these hit songs and every, every girl in Phoenix in there and Scottsdale came out. They dusted off their cowboy boots. They had a blonde hair, all cowboy hats, the once a year cowboy hat. Good D's.

19:43Dana Carvey:So he is also a sex symbol. Yes. They all love him. I'm going to ask you a question just to interrupt the podcast. if if roy orbson looked like elvis presley yes and elvis presley looked like roy orbson which one event would would elvis still have been a sex symbol if david spade looked like phyllis diller um now i think you're right i mean listen good looks matters i don't care how you you can argued forever it's always better to be good looking and if you're in show business it's such a plus yeah i mean morgan's a stud but all these country guys kind of the same look kind of it feels like they all seem to do well i don't hear about the ones that don't but the ones i see that are on tour they all have big shows and well it's generally kind of if you're a country music star You know, you got boots on.

20:43Dana Carvey:You got cowboy boots on. You're shit kickers. You got Levi's of some kind or jeans, some kind of jacket, and you're cranking it up. You're selling the authenticity of like, I always wear boots, just jeans, just a t-shirt. And I'm ready to fight anybody any second. I said, you stupidly got a solid gold belt buckle. That was dumb because people will pick up on that. They're going to notice it. That's right. They have, you know, Elvis used to have a belt buckle. It was the size of a dinner plate. I love Elvis so much. Oh, and I just always thought, what did he think when Colonel Tom Parker brought out the white jumpsuit with the bell bottoms and the plate says, did he have any, I don't know if I want to wear that, Colonel.

21:29Dana Carvey:Oh, come on now, Elvis. It's a wonderful outfit for you. Big bell bottoms and a big old belt buckle. Yeah, but that's the size of a dinner plate, Colonel. I, I, I, I like to come out in jeans and boots like a country star. No, almost now I'm the Colonel. I take 70 % of your check. So believe me when I tell you that clown suit is perfect for you at this point in your career. What if Elvis just didn't listen? He came out like an eyes odd, the alligator polo shirt, you know, untucked brown cords. Yeah. Yeah. I got, well, I got my bus sketchers. I got my sketchers on. I got my, I got my, uh, Whatever you said.

22:10Dana Carvey:Eyes on, she sure. You know, the alligator one. Yeah. Left my home in North Florida, Virginia, California, 109. Stud. My mom was in love with Elvis. Oh, my God. My sister. Instead of the Beatles, Rolling Stones had 500 pitchers. Literally. She counted. Again, talk about being good looking. That is the guy that's so good looking. And he had a great voice. So if you can start being good looking, start today if you can. It does help. Yeah, it was. But I knew a woman who had dinner with him once, and she literally did the face. She said the entire dinner, he just was doing this. I'd like a salad, I think.

22:48Dana Carvey:You got crab cakes? Stay up there. I'd like some, what do you call it? Meatballs. You got any meatballs? With extra mayonnaise. All right, let's get to one story. I want some salmon, and I'd like some ketchup to put on the salmon. Okay, go ahead. Here we go. We're kicking into it. oh this is i'm from arizona so this struck me and like fall to the ground but i've never actually seen it happen this thing is massive out of your air vents uh that's a lot of people don't love scorpions i don't want to have to do anything no one's when is it gonna fall cuddling up when's it gonna fall yeah you wait for it to fall oh it's still walking around there ah that is terrifying that's on your roof god i would just play mission impossible things upside down dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun get in the vent get in the vent are they one one time i was on the phone when i moved to arizona when i was during like snl i got a little uh place there and uh it was newer but it's you know they always build it like right into the rocks it was a new development so they put one in their building all around me and when i'd come there off and on i found total i'm not lying probably 18 scorpions in my seven years there but they're terrifying so i saw javelinas in my front yard those are like wild pigs with the big tusks and then i saw two or three rattlesnakes but i was on the phone on speakerphone talking to some lady and the scorpions was walking at me they're very menacing even if they mean well it doesn't look good because they got the stinger and they got the clamps to hold you no they yeah in mysterious island 1962 they went on the island everything's gigantic and one of the things that was a gigantic a scorpion the size of a volkswagen yeah terrifying terrifying yeah so i'm there and she says she's on speaker and i go up hold on hold on i got a scorpion walking at me i got to make some adjustments here and because i have bare feet and she goes oh i found a ladybug I got my shower curtain today.

25:02I go, oh, I'm almost dying and you almost had good luck. It's not the same.

25:09Dana Carvey:You've got to categorize your insects. You can't make them all equivocate. They're not a ladybug you're talking about when I'm wrestling a scorpion for my life. If you had to have, like you're asleep at night, and a gaggle of one kind of insect in your room, ladybugs none just not ladybugs maybe that's my answer don't like insects no i don't want it crawly i had this question the other night oh would i rather have oh we're on the road and and they had a air conditioner i couldn't figure out how to turn off the fan i've had those if he has i go to sleep and i don't like it blowing on my face so it's freezing i don't know why so i'm putting pillows up around me it's still hitting me and then bobby said when he went to bed he said when i went to the show there was a huge spider on my wall and i'll kill it before i leave and he forgot and it was gone and he said would you rather have that before you go to bed or the blowing in the face i'm like i don't know the spider scares me too much i don't know that's a uh the you know maybe we're not very technical with stuff but sometimes this is just being in hotels issue of their conditioning sometimes you put it on low i just want a low fan and all of a sudden it goes high by itself then you put on auto so sometimes they're easy and sometimes it's like a rubik's cube fan high ac high ac medium auto low auto fan fan fan auto i'm like how about fucking off babe and how to set the temp i tried to set it and then i was told you You got to hold down on the button to set it.

26:55Dana Carvey:I was like, because it looked like it would just go down. You got to hold on to that one curve. The thing with fans is like, I'm like, okay, off. They're like, so it's off, just like medium air conditioning. I'm like, no, off. And they're like, okay, just low. I'm like, off. They're like, well, you don't want nothing. I'm like, that's what I want. I want nothing, no noise, no blowing. Okay, we're just going to give you a little fan just every couple minutes. That's all. It's nothing. Literally, it's almost... They have remote control? Yeah, that's this air condition talking back to me. Oh, I thought it was someone at the hotel.

27:29Dana Carvey:All right, David Spade. We love Joe Dirt. And here is a little light blow of air. Joe Dirt, coming right at you. You're going to thank us later. That's what the AC thinks. You'll thank me for this. And I woke up, and then I finally saw on the ceiling two different vents right at me, bent down. It's like, kadoosh, kadoosh. You just can't get away from it. You didn't sleep a wink, Dana. Get some kind of thing that covers your head like a lightweight helmet to protect you from air blowing in your face. All right. Tom Brady gifts his son Benjamin Jacob and Company billionaire mini Ashoka. A watch worth$3 million?

28:12Dana Carvey:I guess so. Is that what that says? Yeah, I think it's$3 million. So Tom Brady gives his kids. Ben, are you closing your eyes? Yeah, I'm closing my eyes. I see you peaking. The other kids are like, that can't be real.

28:30It better be. It's got 62 Ashoka cut diamonds.