Madonna Stories & What NOT To Say To Women

0:00One thing I love about summer is how easy everything feels. The days are a little more relaxed. I find myself reaching for the same comfortable. That's right. Go anywhere pieces again and again. That's why I keep coming back to Quince. They focus on well-made essentials that naturally become those everyday staples you live in all season long. Honestly, my absolute favorite piece right now is the 100 % linen pants.

0:23Dana Carvey:Oh, yeah. Light, breathable, easy to throw on. Perfect summer upgrade starting at$34. whoa yeah they're tees unbelievably soft lightweight gun sweaters are exactly what you want especially when summer nights cool down yeah everything at quince is priced 50 to 80 percent less than similar brands because they work directly with ethical factories cut out the middleman so you're paying for quality not brand markup they even have incredible home and travel essentials. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Go to quince.com slash fly for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too.

1:08Dana Carvey:That's quince.com slash fly for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash fly. All right. Back to school starts now. Get long-lasting battery life on the Dell XPS laptop. powered by Series 3 Intel Core, so you can work from anywhere. Now starting at$699, with exclusive student pricing starting at$599. And it's lightweight, portable, and packed with enough processing power to make multitasking a breeze. So say goodbye to distractions and hello to more free time because you finished your work faster. Complete your setup with savings on select monitors and more must-have electronics and accessories.

1:55Dana Carvey:limited time deals and free shipping on PCs and more await you at dell.com slash deals. That's dell.com slash deals.

2:08Dana Carvey:Hey, David. Dana, I don't have time for pleasantries. We got such a hot show. Oh, we do. Let's tell, let's tell everybody what's coming up. Well, we got a lot of hot, big stories coming up. We're talking, we're talking again. We're talking about UFOs. Please forgive us. We're talking about UFOs. I've got a hot take on the situation in the Middle East and what's going on there. We've got some John Kennedy. We've got Senator John Kennedy. That's right. Coming up. And I was out with Adam and I've got all the juicy goss. Oh, the behind the scenes of the Adam Sandler epic 50 city tour. Tour. That's right.

2:48Dana Carvey:That's good. That's coming up in a sec. But first of all, how was your, your, uh, David, believe it or not, everybody just got off the road and came directly to the studio as far as I can tell. Yeah, that's right. I just got here from Seattle, had a great time. Seattle is a beautiful - Really? You know, especially when you fly over. If it rains anywhere a lot, it makes it look nice. I would say Seattle and or Vancouver on a Sunday day is kind of the best city in the world. Wow. Unfortunately, they have three or four days a year of absolute sun. I was about to say strong words from a weak man. Hey, them fighting words.

3:31Dana Carvey:That's a good title, yeah. You weren't on a live stream. You're actually pretty tough. I don't have my glowing back hair, which a lot of people are going to complain about on YouTube. People can't read the little thing. They can't see Superman. They like to see my fluffy mullet glowing. let me ask you a question when you were in seattle the mullet looks great uh the sidewalls the whole thing uh did you go on the space needle i did not um they turned that into a covid shot did you hear no i'm kidding um just for cyclops in case yeah uh no i did i did get there it was kind of a pretty day we got one of them and then i did a corporate now of course everyone loves to hear what's your corporate gig about it was four hotels and funnily enough i stayed in a hotel so it all all the pieces fit but here's the one thing so you had 10 minutes of upfront riff i saw a guy there that i went to high school with he worked for the company and he says this is an awkward position to be in because everyone was nice the gig was great but he says oh the ceo and his wife for great people they know this girl jenny you used to crowd what is the couch surf always crashed at her house while you were starting out okay okay does not ring a bell and i said oh like i stayed at her okay and then i couldn't remember i guess i'm old i don't know i usually remember things well were you there the comedy underground was that still around in arizona no sorry i was in seattle still sorry no okay no he's he's from arizona yeah oh he okay got it so he's saying back then when i started i'm like oh okay it doesn't ring a bell then i then so i'm already i don't want to make him feel weird i'm like i don't know so then i go in and i did a meet and greet and the last picture is this couple that's obviously the ceo and his lovely wife and she said oh by the way we know jenny and i'm like oh my god oh yeah i just went with it i don't know you can't i just that all the time you probably don't remember you probably don't remember i'm steve are you kidding steve because it's just better because they're so nice and they were and i just couldn't rack my brain i didn't have time to go wait walk me through it again so i was just like she is such a character she was the biggest whore um no i didn't know what to say you know you start running the wrong way with it they're like what no that's not no she's great so i just said oh yeah she was such a handful.

6:12I think I said something very generic.

6:14Dana Carvey:I know. Well, remember when we were interviewing Paul McCartney, name drop. And I brought up meeting him at Lauren's and he made a funny face and he said, I don't know what to say about that. It was 40 years later and it was such a big moment for me, but how many times does he have fawning people? I know. Dana was like, It was the first 40 pages of my diary. And he's like, Lorne. Michael? Long Island. I know. But everyone shits their pants when they meet Paul. Of course. They don't forget it, but then he meets a million people. But the same thing. You were just David Spade in a comedy club. Probably, no offense, not that good yet.

7:02Dana Carvey:Looked about 13. Easy. And to them, then you became iconic or super famous. It's a little strong. Well, let's talk about your high school. Who in your high school is famous? You know, Sandra Bernhardt went to my high school. You're kidding. You know, you know, Sandra Bernhardt, right? Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, all the presidents went to my high school. Uh, no, actually Sandra Bernhardt went and that was a big deal because picture comedy. and I have to say this is what you say about meeting people I was out in LA on Southwest my second year of stand up going back and forth I see her at the luggage rack you know this turnstile I walk up and she's a pretty big deal I was hanging out with Madonna at the time she wasn't with her there at the fucking Southwest luggage rack but I said hey Sandra my name David Bay And I went to Saguaro high school and so did you.

8:03And I'm out here doing standup thinking she's going to what do cartwheels. She goes like this. Oh, okay. And then she was looking for a bag and I go, yeah, cool, cool, cool, cool. So, uh, I'm going to fucking get out of your grill. And then she just gave me nothing. And I was like, it really kind of stung a little bit, even though it just happened. She didn't do nothing wrong.

8:26Dana Carvey:You know, I once, I had a head cold. I flew to a gig in Florida, way back to San Francisco. My ear was out of control. Like years later, I punctured it. Like years later, I went to an ear guy and he goes, hey, what happened over here? The cartilage was all decimated. So I was still in massive pain at the luggage claim. And that guy goes, I know the high school in the game. I mean, I was like, I'm sorry. I'm in a lot of pain. I know, but you said, I'm sorry. So that Sandra Bernhardt, that was in her book. Iced. And she had extreme diarrhea when she met you and needed to get out of there. She said, I'd had diarrhea from 1989 to 93.

9:13So I was tough on people. But no, she was fine. I might have even met her after that. I don't know. But I think when I met Madonna, I go, I met your friend. Did not go well.

9:23Dana Carvey:Can I tell you my Madonna story? please uh well she was in the wayne's world film and she was around a little bit she was at wayne's world on snl when you do wayne's world right yeah we did a short film and yeah you know and so she was cool but i just stepped in it without knowing she came over to our table at the party and um i think i said something really stupid because she was so fit you know i said the thing i admire about you and i shouldn't have said admire about you most i might have accidentally said that is you know how fit you are and i can see later how she took offense to it and she basically kind of said um you know like uh the thing you admire about me is how fit i am you know like i'm a fucking artist you know what i mean so she said come on kind of like fuck you or something like that let me finish the story so i did chris farley's thing which i'd seen him do because i just was triggered so i go madonna can you hear this let me turn it up for you yeah crank it so then she left and about a half hour later she came back and sat on my lap not in a seductive way but in like a puppy dog friendly way you flipped her off for real yeah i went madonna here that i was this was 92 or three i had wayne's world i got six emmy nominations so i wasn't taking i can flip off madonna yeah i made a mistake i apologize to her if she's listening on this podcast it was a rude she's listening to everyone she i have to say i could see her saying that and being but she is feisty and i do think she has a sense of humor she's feisty and i think the fact that i did that she really respected it yeah i like that you fucked her up but i would say and i'm not saying it now because she's probably watching or listening is that always when i look at lady gaga all these people all these giant katie perry whatever madonna lit the match i mean they take a page out her playbook for sure yeah and they almost do her songs and the whole big production and dancing and they're you know gay following everything they copied madonna i would get nervous around madonna i saw madonna at snl once i saw her somewhere else i've seen her out i get nervous so that she's a big star now uh i will say i have met women and done that move where i go oh i haven't seen you in a while you look so sturdy they're like sturdy oh like a heifer cow let me tell you something that are not compliments to women sturdy you look um strong you look healthy healthy is the worst thing you could say to anyone um and uh are you bulking up or something right i think the extra weight looks good on you that's not that's not what i always say is um birth and hips what's your most friendly heartfelt maybe slightly kiss-assy thing to say to a woman you haven't seen in a while or anybody really you look fantastic i mean it's funny that it always goes to looks unfortunately but it is sort of like a nervous thing to just say you look great or you look uh someone told me that day i looked very well rested i told you that heather you look very no they said actually the word refreshed which i don't hear a lot you don't hear that i think it's people need it's not it's not negative to just say a nice thing to someone you know because we're all aging and And then, you know, you haven't seen someone in 20 years.

12:53Dana Carvey:You want to hear, hey, what? Where's Dorian Gray? Or, you know, it's just playful. It's playful stuff. Imagine having a free day out in the town, sitting down for a nice lunch, relaxing. Then you get an alert. The window at your home has been broken while you're miles away. It's that kind of thing that can turn your good day upside down, obviously. That's where ADT comes in. ADT security systems are built for situations like this. They got 24 seven monitoring to help keep your home safer, whether you're there or not. No one wants to feel unsafe at home. And with ADT, you won't. That's right. Their systems are professionally installed by trained technicians.

13:36Dana Carvey:So protection starts from day one. ADT also has the most company operated monitoring centers in the industry. And the ADT app lets you keep tabs on your home from virtually anywhere. Don't wait to prepare your home for an emergency. When every second counts, count on ADT. Visit ADT.com or call 1-800-ADT-ASAP. Heat up your 4th of July at The Home Depot with our wide variety of grills under$300 and make every gathering one to remember. Give your outdoor space a glow-up, whatever your budget is, with savings on seasonal plants starting at$5. With the grill fired up and your backyard set to perfection, you'll be able to invite friends and family over to kick off the party.

14:21Start celebrating with low prices guaranteed at the Home Depot. Prices may vary by store. Exclusions apply. See Home Depot.com slash price match for details. What do you want to get into before I get into, I don't know what you get into.

14:34Dana Carvey:You know, we have a tape delay for our show, but right now as we are recording this, there's been a peace deal between Israel and Gaza. and I just thought, first of all, I went on the New York Times and they had a big thing of Kushner, the brother-in-law solves the Middle East problem, because I don't blame them, because Trump is a showboater, and they don't want to give him anything. So Obama came out with a statement, I want to congratulate the Middle East and the whole team and Mr. Kushner and... what? No, I think I want to show my appreciation. Everyone should be glad for the peace deal, for the people who did it, Kushner and...

15:24Who? And the guy's name escapes me.

15:28Dana Carvey:It's kind of like when in Hitler in Germany in the 30s, there must have been people who hated him, you know? And I just want to thank Klaus Welser and Wilhelm Felser for completing the Autobahn. It's fantastic. And of course, I also would like to thank... What? They don't even tell him that They mumble the name So here's Trump If this holds through this podcast Because you know I give speeches If it lasts for three days How much will he Because he's going to toot his own horn I love the thing that he does He makes a statement in the teleprompter And then he tags it with real softness You know I brought peace to the Middle East I brought peace.

16:12Dana Carvey:I brought peace to the Middle East. And people like peace. I solved eight wars, eight wars. There was seven, then there was eight. And I solved eight. There was seven, then there was eight. I'm going to rebuild Gaza. I'm going to rebuild it. I know how to build it. People like rebuilding. They like it very much. It's kind of docile. It's like a little teddy bear in between. But he will be out there. I hope it holds by the time we air this. It is a great thing. He doesn't like pauses. You're right. He hits that prompter and then he has to fill. There's fill. He likes to tag it. I did a lot of great things.

16:46Dana Carvey:Things I did that were great and people love them. People like it. A lot of people are saying it. I hate my enemies. I can't help it. You know, there's this. I hate bad people. I know. I hate bad people. I do a lot of things. I'll tell you on a lighter note. That's for Patrick. The Charlie Sheen being on the show was a huge hit because the clip I showed of Emilio popping in really brought back some nostalgia and Heather we have to find Emilio on Instagram we should invite him on uh because he would come on that'd be awesome because he was a lot I mean we probably got three million people watching that just that clip of the reel of him popping in and you were talking about all the movies they've done and and it was like oh my god to see those guys together and he looks like martin sheen exactly and people have a lot of good vibes for the two of them together and um oh and charlie got a lot of good like comeback story nice you know yeah it was a feel-good podcast i'd seen all the other podcasts so also i thought about him and what he achieved and let's slow down for a second you know him as an artiste and then i always think of the brother i've got a brother and i think of emilio as a film producer and director now and stuff and and then looking at his first five six years out of the gate and all those iconic movies so to see him show up i wish we it's too bad the sound off guard yes and working man they mentioned young guns and we didn't even talk about those those are yeah those are all mighty ducks well that's a more emilio side so no but we could always uh But it was so sweet that knowing Charlie's story and the stuff he had in his life.

18:35Dana Carvey:And then there he is with his brother. Yeah, that's the part. And they're completely, you can tell, they're just buddies again. He's like helping them out. And then he goes, hey, come on over here for a second. Yeah, so it was very sweet. That was nice. Other than that, should we get to some news stories? Well, let me just do a quick one that made me laugh is that, you know, Taylor Swift did the song. Now there's been 9 million things about the song Wood. Oh, yeah. So our old friend. The working title was Boner. Yeah. Our old friend, Senator John Kennedy. Oh, yeah. Okay, John Kennedy. Senator John Kennedy.

19:11Haven't done him for a while. Weighed in on it in a congressional hearing.

19:15Dana Carvey:Now, some of the things our sons and daughters hear may not be age appropriate. This is a quote, and I quote it specifically, Taylor Swift's album about her football boyfriend player. Forgive me if it sounds cocky. He automized me. He opened my eyes. Redwood ain't hard to see. His love was the key that opened my thighs. Her words, not mine. Did I get that right? Oh, her words. Did I get that right? Did I get that right? Yes. Did I get that right? I think so. And David Spade played Seattle, and he said that it was a beautiful city as long as it wasn't raining. Did I get that right? I did say something like that, yeah.

20:22Dana Carvey:Yeah. He's shy. What about how much everything costs in the big bill? And the big, what people are trying to slip in during this shutdown, Ocasio-Cortez, part of the far left of her party, said we've got to put$385 million so that bisexual mixed race dwarfs that are left-handed and go by the pronouns, me, them, hey, you, what's going on, need that money so they can learn how to dance the tango. Did I get that right? He did. That's a ridiculous amount of money for that. That's crazy, right? We're trying to get trans crickets in Uganda. I got this funny, this high tone to it. I'm trying not to commit to it because he does go high at these sometimes.

21:21He gets really mad.

21:22Dana Carvey:Oh, he has a big. He goes for the bleachers. He goes for the back of the house. But sometimes he just is mumbling through and reading. No, he's looking at his nose. Now, I believe that you tweeted October 4th. Tweeted? You tweeted October 4th. And I quote, I think America sucks. You still stand by that? Is that something we want from a congressperson? Your words, not mine. He knows he caught them. What a stupid look I know He's got an easel He's got like a pointer Oh he's such a funny character He's so fucking funny Whatever your side of the political aisle is You gotta laugh Oh you have to sometimes You have to Oh okay what else I can talk about anything We can talk about anything Well let's run with some of these stories What do we got?

22:14Anything decent to run with?

22:15Dana Carvey:Let's do what we promised Yeah Oh high school students are being locked up For wearing saggy pants This is something that's been around for a while. Oh, look at these lightning bolt pants. They're pretty low, I got to admit. I had to spend time in jail wearing sagging pants to school in Oliver, Tennessee. I just took it and went on. I didn't even know what else to do. Antonio Ammons had to serve 48 hours behind bars He should hook those handcuffs to his belt buckle. I know where this comes from. I like when they show money. It's not part of the story. I really like I said I really like Show more pants I'll decide His underpants

23:08Dana Carvey:Look at that, Hannah Those are like five layers of pants Comedian Tim Conway Yeah, there you go Now there's some regular pants He used to do What was his name? Dwarf on golf And he had short pants Now you know where that comes from right? I don't know So when you get arraigned in prison You can't have a belt So when they take you to a jail Is that true? They take your belt and so the convicts It would slide down and they would walk in Like that sometimes my sweats don't have a string is it like that when I'm in jail I usually I go can I just wear what I'm wearing you know they're like yeah I do whatever here's the thing is it okay to observe it you know it's kind of like you get used to it like there was my brother worked at this company and one one day a guy decided to come in and just rolled the sleeve of one of his pants the left leg he rolled it up above his knee and that was just his fashion look so if you see pants like that you're allowed to go what the fuck are no i think it's just hard to move around and maneuver exactly i mean you look shuffly and then but all fashion like it doesn't matter if you can handle it do it i don't even I do not like it.

24:32Dana Carvey:I just think it just looks tough. Our resident woman, Heather, is that sexy? Sexy is the question. He's scared of bits and parts falling out. She's scared of bits and parts falling out. It looks like below the ween line, I have to say. Oh, it's way below that. The equator is below that. Now, back in the 1950s, and I Love Lucy had Fred Mertz. And so his pants were up here. Oh, those are comically high. Yeah, just the pants in those days, they wore them super high. Now it's super low. Everything goes back to norm. Todd Glass used to say, sometimes fat people just make up a middle, and they put the belt there, and they just draw a belly button right there, and go, I'm going to call this the middle, and we're going to belt it right there.

25:19Dana Carvey:Because a lot go below the gut, and then it explodes from the belt. It's right around the lower pelvis. Yes. And then you can go above the gut, but in the middle gives you like a 70-inch waist, which is right in the middle of the boiler uh okay let's move it on from our big fashion police segment okay woman goes viral for sending back two thousand dollar gift because she knows her worth oh baby i'm worth it go to the next one there's got to be more to this oh a woman is going viral after revealing she returned two thousand dollars an early gift from someone when she was dating, stating that gesture didn't align with her standards or values.

25:59She knows her worth and the internet is divided. They called her bold and empowered and some say gold digger. So the guy said, I hit you with two grand for your birthday. I didn't want to hit you. She said, thank you, but no thanks. That's not enough for me.

26:15Dana Carvey:Well, did they say what it was? It was money, just money. Oh, just cash. Sorry. Okay. Which cash isn't a bad present because you can go buy what you want. It's not as maybe thoughtful if you don't Here's the reason I think it's weird Because I got a couple beans in my jeans I got a couple I got a couple shekels in my pocket The thing that blew me Blew my mind Blew me Sorry It's a PG-13 show Not anymore Was when I went on Comedians in Cars With Jerry Seinfeld And at the end He's dropping me off in his car And he hands me the envelope and so it's my fee was ten thousand dollars in cash but it felt like 10x so getting 10 2 ,000 in cash would feel like 20 ,000 because everything is digital electronic you never really see or feel your money so when you have money in your hand always if they pay me at one of these clubs for a set yeah like the old days you get 20 bucks to a set you get 40 bucks to a set they give you 40 it's cold hard cash there's something better about that than just numbers on a i when i play the improv sometimes they give you 500 bucks they just hand it to you i don't really need it and they hand and it's 500 bucks so there's something about cash i don't know about this woman but 2 000 in cash what that i mean so she can't buy something she likes for two grand is that under the threshold of what you i mean i would say if they're just casually dating it's not a thought out gift but sometimes people go i would rather just buy something that i want with money but her saying this if you're giving me money this isn't enough money to give me this is and i don't even have to name it the kardashian effect but the sense that everyone's a billionaire we're all on yachts and we're all in private jets and the sense of feeling less than because of all this money shattering around you know and so so you get to that with chump change two grand.

28:14Dana Carvey:Oh, baby, I'm worth it. Yeah, and I think they see on TikTok people going, oh, I get money for this. And everyone's got this beautiful life on social media. Only fans. I don't know. I wear a bra and I get a million dollars. Yeah. The only fans girls always say how much they're getting. I think it's a little bit of a reaction of like, oh, you think this is so bad? Here's how much I make. And so that's supposed to shut everyone up, which it shuts me up. It pretty much shuts people up. Yeah, it shuts everybody up. okay what else ooh baby I'm worth it yeah give it to me I'm worth it I can't sing that song we'll get in trouble fan of suing LeBron over misleading Hennessy ad do you know what this is about Dana no no completely blank did we talk about last time we talked about the Hennessy the last podcast we did this was a couple times ago though right so he comes out and says I'm making a decision like he did when he was going to Miami and he goes you'll hear my decision about my life at nine o 'clock on Tuesday.

29:15So all the sports channels were like, he's going to retire. So people bought tickets for the Lakers at higher prices because it's his last year. And his announcement was he's teaming with Hennessy to do an ad. Oh. Did we already talk about that? Yeah. Do you remember this, Dana?

29:36Dana Carvey:I do. Oh, but it was something to do with Hennessy and LeBron months ago? It was Tuesday. So maybe we just talked about it in real life. He did it, so people are mad that he did it. And so now a fan is going as far as suing him, saying, I paid more for tickets. And now - What's he trying to get? Would he just refund the tickets or he wants a lot of cash? Maybe just a couple million for his trouble No one wants under millions Why does anyone sue anyone? LeBron is going to go to He's Tom Brady This guy is going to go to 45 I think I think he can How old is he? He's 47 Greg is he 41 yet? No No I think he turns 41 in December this is still because he can play every position and sprint the four you know dunk the ball it's not like a guy comes in she shoots three points or kareem abdul jabbar was sort of a uh a dancer out there he's very skyhook yeah well i don't think he's rinsed yet i mean he's still better than he's not the best but he's better than a lot of people but i think people are saying would michael jordan have done that you know that when they always compare him to jordan so that's jordan left when he had more time but you know lebron is by every measure a physical freak you know yeah if you're 6 '8 275 280 and you're running at when most people get out of the way even other nba players he's running toward the hoop that with that speed and that size so anyway he's 41 in December.

31:28We're doing the Batman theme. No, that was a train hitting.

31:32Dana Carvey:Let me hear that again. I won't over talk. Going across the crosshack.