RE-RELEASE - Rob Schneider

22:17Dana Carvey:oh they're doing math and everyone stops laughing they just go look at their check and go hey who had two cokes did you have the curly fries what's 10 of 179 what's three percent and then everyone's like talking and then you go wait that joke usually kills it and people never warn me oh the checks go out right about then and there's some comics that say don't put the checks out until i'm off which is it fucks the waiters over because you know i never say that because you got if you can get through that hump then you're good again because if you're killing when you hit that hole and you You go, oh no, the checks went out my head.

22:50I see someone like slow motion going, oh, let me get my visa. I go, oh my God, everyone's getting them right now and no one's listening. And then you got to bring them back for your closer. You got to somehow keep them around. It's warfare. I got out of standup for 20 years because of that. Because I just like, I respect the R form too much to do it. If you're not doing it all the time and I didn't want to eat it and blah, blah, blah. And I did like, I said, if I'm going to do this, I got to do it full time. And when people pay, you don't want to rip them off by doing like - Yeah, I don't want to feel, I don't want to do a celebrity victory lap.

23:17So I had to jump back into it hard. And I did. And it's been like, now I'm ready to get out of it again. You know, the name of my tour is Celebrity Victory Lap. So I feel so stupid.

23:28Dana Carvey:Well, what happens is you guys are just middle. So you have like a 30 when you got on SNL. 20. I'm trying to be generous. I'm a nice guy. 25. Okay, you had 15. You had 10 minutes. Solid 15. Anyway, and some filler. So then you get on SNL and you become the bad boys of comedy. and you both have this great run in the 90s on SNL. Okay. And then all of a sudden you're being offered, can you go do an hour at a college for like 20 grand or 15 grand? But you don't have it. So that was - I broke. At a certain point, I stopped doing stand-up. I remember where it was. It's like 1992. It was 4 ,000 people in Milwaukee.

24:05You're famous now. Now I'm famous. Yeah. And I never had the thing where people are paying to see you before and they're yelling out stuff that, you know - Making copies. it's during the day during the day it's also like so they're sober well they're not well this is Milwaukee so they're drinking during the day they're all and then they do they do you do the show and I got I stumbled and I got through it and it was like I gritted it out and then there's two shows that day because they're paying you a lot of money there's two shows and then I walk out there and I look and I go the most frightening thing is it's the same no oh no and I got to do it again the same crowd I can't pull it off.

24:45Grotesque. What did you do? I can't go on? I just, I mentally broke. You start crying. It's like a nightmare. No, but it's like, you know, from doing standup so much times, you know when you're having the middle of like a set that ain't the best one? Oh, yeah. And you just, you get through it because you're, you know, you're like a, you can go into that robot mode. And I remember talking to like, it's a weird thing. You can show up as you show up at a place and I have made, and you're like this too, Dan. You'd say, what experience can I get out of this particular situation? And I do that. So I was on some show.

25:14I forget whether it was Leno or Letterman or one of those things. And there's this Asian violinist. She's like famous. I'm sorry I forget her name now. But I said, how many days a year do you feel like on, on? And she said, well, I work 250, do 250 dates a year. I said, how many of those dates would you guess when she felt like at the top of her name? Yeah, good question. Do you know how many she said? I'm going to say two. Yeah. I got it.

25:41Dana Carvey:Shut up. I was going to say 240. She said two? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Wow, because then you know exactly the little tiny thing. It's like, because when I, first of all, Dana was the guy in San Francisco. There's two guys that were like so talented that Hollywood came up. There was Robin Williams and Dana Carter were so talented. You don't mind me saying, it's just a fact. You were famous before you were famous. They were so talented that Hollywood started coming up looking for, they're making them up here. Going up there to get them, yeah. look, well, there's more, but we'll, okay, I guess we'll take that guy.

26:13And it was just like, I was like the third tier of those guys. Well, all right, well then he's young enough. Maybe he'll turn this on. But Dana would have lines around the block. And you know, performing for open mics, you don't really get the, that audience. You can't really tell if your material kills or not, whatever. But when you're open for Dana Carvey, you have a chance to have a real audience who's there for comedy. Good comedy crowd. Who's excited about comedy. Dana used to, part of his, he used to be able to do stuff about people waiting in line for his next show. And then that was some of the funniest stuff in the show because it was like at the Elder Cafe, there was like an open window.

26:48Dana Carvey:Oh, you could see them to the window? You see them waiting to come in. Other comedians, we would sit in the back and just watch and go like, okay. I said, well, we're good, but we can't do that. Well, I had the same thing with Robin. I just kept thinking I got to get better every time he'd come up and levitate to Holy City Zoo. And I was starting in college. So by the time you saw me, Rob, I had gotten The cafe opened in 79 And that's sort of where I started to develop The first time I did a character For 30 seconds It wasn't me, I was terrified So by the time I, that club really Really saved me, because you know You play the honky tonk bars, the cowboy bars With the blender going, and your act gets Bluer and louder, but that was like a It was a 60 seater Old hippies in there They rewarded you 70 it's the difference between like liberals in San Francisco in the 60s and 70s which are like question authority and like and they go with you and if you were taking more artistic license and sometimes like Grace Slick would be in the audience you know you'd have like it was like there were these cool kind of the what I loved about San Francisco poetry vibes was the bohemian vibe yes and which was artistic and were supporting you like those you know the great you know Pharrell and Getty and the you know the City Lights bookstore it was a place you'd go they printed their own books.

28:04So San Francisco had that vibe at that time. It still had it.

28:06Dana Carvey:It was eclectic, cool neighborhood. And now it's gone. But that was a really, now it's not Tom. Have you been to the gun-down saloon there? It's not bad. Last day. Good stand-up there. But that was a place where they did reward you for going further. Topical. Yes. And would go, and so that was the perfect place for that. And you really did get a chance to see, and you were like, you were levitating on stage. It was just, you were floating. and then the characters that you would do, you'd pummel an audience. They were literally exhausted leaving. Rape and pillage. Jeez Louise, I'm loving this podcast.

28:39Dana Carvey:We should take our time. Let's not make this a rushy one. Let's talk about - No, it's very nice, Rob. But when you appeared, because I want to throw out some names because it's nostalgic. So Rob and I came up from the San Francisco comedy scene, which you - And the comedy, let me just interrupt one second. And the comedy, the big thing back then was, if you were a comic then, was the San Francisco comedy competition. Oh, yeah, yes. And you didn't want to win it, but you wanted to get top five. What was the newspaper called? But Dana would do this thing, and he told me this. Dana was like, Dana gave me nuggets, which I held to this day, because, and it really was, and he used to drive to the, I'll never forget this, when you drove to the comedy competition, because that was a lot of pressure, and the talent scouts were coming, and it was a big effing deal.

29:25It was Robin Williams. We were around. And this was the time where it was like, It was big. You would perform at 1 ,500 people. It was that big, the competition.

29:34Dana Carvey:And you'd go through weeks of rounds to get to the finals. And he told me, Dana said, on the way to the place, he would listen to the Beatles. It's getting better all the time. That's true. Yeah. A little better. What a weirdo. Better. Isn't that kind of cool? It's a little sexy. But it is. No, but because, and Dana would say things like this. I need to feel funny before I go on stage. No one told me that. He had to feel silly. He got himself in the place. So there was a methodology. We didn't just do it. Because sometimes you just see the after effect. Like we didn't see the college years and working your way up and watching Rob and having to follow Rob.

30:08We just saw the audience just sees what they see. But to learn the craft and to learn at the high level that you were at. And just as a young man watching it, it's like, okay, that's how you do this. That was very instructional.

30:21Dana Carvey:And it prepares you for SNL in a way. I mean, there's people came up through Groundlings and stuff, which kind of take their sketch and put it on. Stand up is so rough and tumble. You have to be so tough that on SNL, all you're trying to do, and it took me, I think, 80 shows, just to quiet that voice in the back of your head saying, this isn't going well. I missed that line. Oh, I dropped that. Dress was better. I didn't commit like I did at dress. And so I wonder where you came in and when you felt like you got in the groove with SNL. Like, were you out of the box or 40 shows in? We did four shows in the 89, 90 season.

30:58They brought us in, which was like, it was wonderfully, it was just amazing to just be there. You were like somebody, you know, Bernie Brillstein, who was, you know.

31:08Dana Carvey:Talent manager, extraordinaire, went to the stars. And he was also, but he would also give you to, look, look. Yeah. One is going to not let you. One, you're going to have to wait. And that's part of it. You wait. It lets you know that you are less important, but not in a bad way. But it's like you got to know that blah, blah, blah. Yeah. And so this is a famous talent manager. Also. Managed Belushi and Actroyd telling you this. And Lorne. And Lorne. And Lorne. And Lorne. And so the thing about it was like, I mean. It's ridiculous. It actually, Lorne. He managed everybody. His whole Lorne Michaels, the famous, you know, comedy and, you know.

31:47Legend. legend who launches careers would also have his system make it a little easier. So he would rather just, if you were in the Brillstein camp, that was like minor league ball until you get a chance to get in there. But I remember the night that we auditioned at the improv. And by that time, I was hardened and I was ready to go. And I had a monster set to do. Because I had a monster. I remember like Jay Leno, Bob Fisher, our old manager. For sure, was another talent manager in the San Francisco scene. Who could identify talent. So you're going to make it, and I'm never wrong. Just nice to hear that.

32:23Wow, that's nice to hear.

32:29Dana Carvey:Did you have a surefire when you auditioned? Like a bit that kind of always killed? Elvis on a fishhook? Yeah, so I had my stuff. Did you share that with our listeners? I had stuff. I'll give you one of his. Okay. Well, let's go ahead. Elvis on a fishhook? Well, it's like a visual. I forget the exact thing, but it was a thing where you could act it out, where you did an impression and could act it out. And it was an interesting idea. Because you did a really good Elvis. Yeah. So I did like, I was, you know, Elvis is what, when I first, before, you know, I was always into Monty Python. And by the time Saturday Night Live came in, it was over.

33:01I was into it. Cheech and Chong, it was over with. I was in this for life. But the thing that for performing, the guy that I was turned on by most as a performer was Elvis. Just because of like. Such a stud. you know, the album, 100 million fans can't be wrong. Unreal. Well, that's true. It's unreal. But he can't. No. That's like an entire population of Western culture, of Western society. And so, and then his performance and his, you know, his, you know, everything. Everything. And you played Tiny Elvis. Oh, you played Tiny Elvis. So I would literally just sing Elvis songs and try to get his moves and stuff.

33:43Can you be, I know you're kind of sure. Give me a little bit. Get on the mic. Hold me close. Hold me tight. Make me thrill with delight. Let me know where I stand from the start. I want you. I need you. I love you. And then he would do this. Oh, my God. You know, so he was just like. Killer. He dug deep for that. That was a gem. That was good. Girls would lose their, you know, I mean. They'd go crazy. They would go nuts. They go crazy when you would sing. You do it now or never. I remember watching. And I did that at high school. And then it just murdered so hard that I was like, that was it. Can I say one thing right here?

34:24Dana Carvey:You kind of, around in here, you look like Elvis. You have a little bit of an Elvis overlap with your cheeks and your mouth. Thank you. It's a little something that kind of works. So when I put the fake sideburns on and I had the jumpsuit on, even at 115 pounds, my wrestling weight. And they called you Tiny Elvis? And they called you Tiny Elvis. and it murdered because people it was a really good performance the difference is a really good impression performed really well seriously yeah that commitment to it it's just like when like Napoleon Dynamite that dance he does is really funny but he's really committing to it and it's really good so that's the combination of stuff and then it's just naturally if you're naturally funny then people are like laughing at it but when you went to Japan to do Elvis for a couple of months it was a complete but were you playing you were playing a serious Elvis were you adding jokes I wasn't I mean first of all I got the phone call and that's the time I was living in an apartment this is unreal $200 a month $200 a month basically what happened was that's it?

35:18I was living in a place and it was just a hole in the wall but what happened was Milt Abel the comedian of Saram I wrote his name down

35:25Dana Carvey:I wrote down Milt Abel because I wanted to give some props to our and he's an awesome guy really good comedian he had jokes I remember to this day like you know somebody tries to hand you a flyer and they go no you throw it away and it's just that little good little one line I wish I would have thought of that and so I moved into this place He said, it's$200 a month, blah, blah, blah. The first month I was in there, the 85-year-old Russian landlord who owned the place, he said, and then I had one bowl. Can we hear the landlord? That's going to be funny already. This is the old guy who owns the place and he lives there.

35:58And it's a shithole. The whole place has been painted once in the 50s. But I don't need it. I just literally put a mattress in there, just the one mattress. And then this is it. And I'm just going to do stand-up and write coffee. It was right down the street from Fillmore, his coffee shop. This is perfect. Perfect. So I paid it. He said, it only takes cash. So 200 bucks, perfect. And then I remember like one of the, I only had one light and it was like a 30 foot ceiling. So you know what those old places are subdivided, subdivided, subdivided. And there used to be an old giant Victorian in the day.

36:25And then they turn it into like, you know, 13 apartments or whatever. And so the one bulb that was at the ceiling, the one light that I had, I didn't even have a lamp. It went out. And I was like, well, I got to have that. You know, I had my one light. You need a lamp. I got to have a light. So I, you know, I don't know where to go. and Mel's asleep. And I said, well, I just go, I knock on the guy's door, the landlord. And I go, well, you know, the light's out. What do I do? Okay, I'm going to have to go down and get the ladder. I go downstairs to get the ladder. I come up, I come up. And then he came up.

37:00You know, and you just, I'm just this dummy because it's like, I'm watching an eight. And then I realized I'm watching an 85 year old man on a 20 foot ladder climbing up to change the light bulb. And I was like, ah. And then I thought, well, he's already up there. Let him just get it. He knows what he's doing. You can spot him. And he comes down and says, I don't feel so good. I don't feel good. I've never felt like this. Really? I don't know what to tell you. A week later, he's dead. Oh, my God. Died a week later. And the thing was, though, that he had no living relatives in anything. And so nobody was asking for rent.

37:37So all of a sudden, I went from$200 a month to nothing. To zero. I had nothing. So I was living in a place of rent-free. Did you push him off your floor at all? I think I may have killed him. I don't know, but I did realize I should not have an 85-year-old guy changing the bulb. It's weak and a burning. But anyway, so. Okay, the landlord dies. Now, how does this lead to Japan? Yeah. So what happened was I get a phone call from. Another funny voice. Mark. Yeah, Mark. Just Mark. Funny voice McGee. The Filipino community, whether you're half Filipino or whatever. Right. There's a small community of people.

38:06And they try to like, you know, because they know that the Filipinos, they'll work hard and they'll show up because otherwise you'll be, you'll be, you've been, they'll beat the shit out of your, your, it's been beat into you. You better work hard. You better show up. If you say this, you got to do this and yeah, all right. And so you can depend on Filipinos. Like at the end of the day, like if you do get a Filipino to come over to your house while you're moving, they'll move till the, you know, all day, you know, and if you have somebody like, they'll take your blood pressure. So I get a call from him and he says, uh, Hey, listen, um, you do Elvis, right?

38:38And And he's like, he's calling me at nine in the morning, which I just want to sing at like four. You do Elvis, right? You do sing Elvis, right? Good, good, good. He saw me do the Elvis thing about it in high school. And so I said, yeah, yeah. I said, do you know the song? I said, I know a couple, like three. So why? Why? He said, well, we just lost our Elvis impersonator. And I said, what do you mean you lost? Well, in Japan, they were sending a band for a new club that's opening. And he said, can you go to Japan to do Elvis? And I said, listen, I only know like three songs. And I don't really, it's not really serious, you know?

39:07and i don't i don't really sound like so i call bob fisher and bob says do it you'll tell you'll tell tell the story and letterman one day and so and i called mark and i realized i don't even have a passport you know i've never like you know i think i left the country when i was a little like 13 with my parents one of those cheapy european tours where you go on a bus and and um they take you to the worst worst hotels in in all of europe so that was it so i had to I said, I don't have a passport. I can't go.

39:36Dana Carvey:Can you use the dead Russian landlord's passport? I'm just saying, in a drawer. I think, where is this going? He said, just go to this Japanese woman. She said, just go to Japantown, and she'll take care of the – they can take care of it. The Japanese, if they want to get something done, they can get it done. How are the Irish? They conquered – they basically took all of Asia in a month. So they'll do this. So I go over there, and she looks at me. and she goes his name wasn't Mark it was Alex I'm sorry Alex Howergy was his name she looked and he said she looked at me when I walked in with a fright in her eyes and like I never trust Alex again because you're the Elvis because it's like I'm this short guy coming to be an Elvis you know but you had puffy hair you had like Elvis and I said to her right there again my stand up experience after doing it for a couple of years I said no no no I can do this I'd be alright I can do it and they had no alternative they had nobody else it's like a movie and so literally it's like a Friday and I gotta fly Sunday to do this for the next week and so the next thing I go I'll just do it it'll be fun and I get on the plane and I start going over these songs songs and stuff and I'm like I don't really know this and then Alex is like hey listen just where you're going Kumamoto's like the Alabama of Japan they don't speak English just do the same verse over and over again they're not gonna know the difference so I said alright I'll just do that but then I realized no you can't just do that These are Elvis fans.

41:03Even if they don't speak English, they're going to know. Teleprompter, cue cards. Yeah, this is way before any of that stuff for me. So anyway, on the way over there, I start getting a little bit nervous about it. And I go, ah, I'm sure it'll be fine. What's the big deal? It's just Japan. I'm never going to come back to this place. I land there. There's a bus that picks us up, a bus with posters all over the bus that says, Elvis, new Kennedy house, anything Japanese. Japanese loved any American words like Kennedy, Elvis, Nixon, whatever they had. Nixon, Elvis, Kennedy, Houser. So then we get on the bus and they drive us straight to go see the Kazu guy, which is like a mobster guy.

41:44And he looks at me too. Kaza guy? Kazu or whatever. It's a Japanese. For mobster. He's the guy in charge, whatever. He's like the guy. Fuck that. And so he looks at me and says, you sing now. You sing now. Are you Elvis? And he looked at me. You sing now. You sing now. He's got a funny voice too. Yeah, sing. Yeah, sing now. He's got hitmen around him and everything. He just looked like a dangerous little guy. A little around my... So he made me sing right there. He took us out to eat. Acapella? And he made me sing. No, he made me go to the place. And I said, I'm going to have some time. Literally, after we ate, he took me to the club.

42:19And I said, okay, I got some time. Because the club's not done. It's like the walls aren't there, the floor isn't there. Did you have one go-to Elvis song you know? Huh? Did you have one go-to Elvis song that you did in your acting? You know, like, Now or Never Used to Do. Yes. It's like a hound dog or blue suede shoes. But the, so anyway, we go to the place. It's not done. I said, I'm going to have time to learn these songs because the floor is not in. There's no way it's going to open tonight. But the thing is in Japan, if you're not done, they make you pay. If you're a construction, whatever company.

42:48They make you pay for every hour you're late. You pay fines. Oh, that's not happening here. So they did finish it that night. And then the problem was it was three shows that night. Fuck off. And four on weekends. after the first show the first night I blow my voice out I said I can't do this and I go running into the sushi place which is every every restaurant there and just start just shoving down ginger go to 7-11 and eat sushi ginger and ginger and just I get through the second show and then the third show I don't know how I survived I never gotta do it again I'm like this the next day and I don't know how I'm gonna do it again did you kill?

43:21and it was good it was okay you know there was enough people on the weekends was there a little band

43:25Dana Carvey:or karaoke? we had like they flew me over with the band a little bands but but anyway by like and i said well you got to figure it out and then but it was and sure enough i did uh do the um i did my first letterman appearance was i did i did um he said uh so you were elvis in japan what was that like and then so he did ask me a question i didn't have a really good uh it's still funny because you did elvis on a fishhook on your first set right yeah that was going full circle this so that that elvis was really and then elvis on a fish hook was just one of those quick hit but i could do a really good album so that would like it helped oh wow hey i know what it was like i don't know maybe i said now i would just introduce just like uh at that time if you did odd stuff unconnected it was kind of interesting that was like a style at that time it's like and now uh i'd like to do my impression of elvis on a fish hook and on a fish hook and i go oh sunny red i don't know i'll maybe come back here one these days and goes, ah, you know, ah, and I would do that and I'd go back and forth.

44:25And his lips curls up and he tilts his head and lifts up like you got a laugh. But that was the thing that like when I did that at that set that we did and, you know. Auditioning for SNL probably. Yeah, and it was just one of those things that you got a big laugh was interesting and Lauren said later, you know, when I, if I see something brilliant, I know that there's the potential to repeat it. And I said, am I hired? And I guess that was the way of being on that.

44:52Dana Carvey:No, we suggested Elvis on a fish hook will be like a runner. I don't know if it's a talk show. You talk to Jim Downey. Well, you also used to do reading from Elvis and me. Actually, your act was very unique. When you say, you just said a little bit ago, you go, I should try not to have the material like everyone else. That wasn't my motto, but you did because you actually did that. You also did also reading from the first time I met Elvis. Elvis and me with Priscilla was funny. An impression if you're not good at it, just doing something that's completely not good at all is also works. Who was that?

45:27That was Priscilla. That's Priscilla. Oh, okay. I got you. I read the book. Priscilla Presley wrote a book called Elvis and Me. And I swear to God, when I was reading it, I started reading it out loud to people. And they were just howling laughing. So what was the voice used for Priscilla? It was, I would just talk like this, which is kind of like a version of my mother. My mother also. She would never. She didn't understand. The first time I met Alabama. which is like the mountains of the Philippines. She wouldn't understand jokes, but she would understand how to laugh at the right time. She'd go, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, Marvin.

45:56Very sweet. What does it mean? What does it mean? I don't understand. You know, when he said, he goes, when you were, one of your jokes was, I'll mangle it. When you were a little kid, when you were eight years old, you banged your head on the coffee table and your mom would make you feel good and she'd go hit it and she goes, bad coffee table, bad. And she goes, and you'd feel better. And she goes, we make it even, bad coffee table and hit it. And then you go to bed and your dad wakes you up at two in the morning and goes, hey, Rob, get on down here. Your mom spilled hot wax on the coffee table.

46:23We got to make it even. You know our policy. Oh, yeah. So then you have to have hot wax spilled on you. Yeah, he's got a four hot wax. Yeah, yeah, that was the idea, yeah. They got to make it even. But I remember like if I did that, you know when you do a character, it's like you can do your jokes and you get it, but when you do a character, it's just another. Also in the middle of the joke, you're playing people.

46:42Dana Carvey:You had a musicality, too. You had a musicality from the early days, and we're hearing it now, which is also, I like the whole is great in some of the parts of musical rhythms. Oh, yeah. Like getting copy. How do you hit that? It was just so infectious. Making copy, you know, like that. There's a musicality to it. It sings. It's got to sing. It's a song. All right. Back to School starts now. Get long-lasting battery life on the Dell XPS laptop powered by Series 3. Intel Core, so you can work from anywhere. Now starting at$699, with exclusive student pricing starting at$599. And it's lightweight, portable, and packed with enough processing power to make multitasking a breeze.

47:29Dana Carvey:So say goodbye to distractions and hello to more free time because you finished your work faster. Complete your setup with savings on select monitors and more must-have electronics and accessories. Limited-time deals and free shipping on PCs and more await you at dell.com slash deals. That's dell.com slash deals.

47:55One thing I love about summer is how easy everything feels. The days are a little more relaxed. I find myself reaching for the same comfortable. That's right. Go-anywhere pieces again and again. That's why I keep coming back to Quince. They focus on well-made essentials that naturally become those everyday staples you live in all season long. Honestly, my absolute favorite piece right now is the 100 % linen pants.

48:19Dana Carvey:Oh, yeah. Light, breathable, easy to throw on. Perfect summer upgrade starting at$34. Whoa. Yeah. Their tees, unbelievably soft. Lightweight gun sweaters are exactly what you want. Especially when summer nights cool down. Yeah. Everything at Quince is priced 50 % to 80 % less than similar brands because they work directly with ethical factories. Cut out the middleman, so you're paying for quality, not brand markup. They even have incredible home and travel essentials. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Go to Quince.com slash fly for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too.

49:03Dana Carvey:That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash fly For free shipping and 365 day returns Quince dot com Slash fly Slash fly Hey, before we jump back into the show Let's take a quick break, alright? Not just any break This is a refreshing break with Snapple We all know about Snapple's iconic real facts So let's take a minute to go over some of my faves Snapple real fact 455 Movie trailers used to come on at the end of the movies, but no one stuck around to watch them. I've heard that. Snapple Real Fact 831. Adults laugh only about 15 to 100 times a day, while preschoolers laugh an average of 300 times a day.

49:47Dana Carvey:Snapple Real Fact 1983. The first player drafted to play pro football never played in the league. That's interesting. Snapple Real Fact 1274. kickball is referred to as soccer baseball in some parts of Canada. Hmm. So grab a Snapple. Take a second. Enjoy the moment. Because let's be honest, this might be the most refreshing part of your day. Snapple, make your break more interesting.

50:19How did you, now let's get to that part. Rob and I, fast forward, we get hired on SNL. We auditioned at Catch Rising Star, I think. Well, the first one we did at the Melrose. Okay. And then like the scariest part was like, at that time, I kind of had like a, a little bit of a fuck you attitude in a good way, because you have to, because you get, otherwise you get beaten down. You're too, and I said, you know what? I, and he said, and then I got the call from Bernie. You know, Lord, Lord. He managed to put extra syllables in that one. Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Stallone, his son.

50:55Stallone, yeah. Smygo did a funny thing where he was just like, well, it was just, you know, you take it so exaggerated. And Robert was like, let me eat your foot. I don't know how it got there, but his Bernie impression, I want to eat your foot. Bernie was a heavy guy. Obviously, he's not like Santa Claus. No one knows anything.

51:15Dana Carvey:That's the thing he told me the first day. No one fucking knows anything in this business. And later on, Brad Gray said, I told him, why is he saying that? Because it's like, no, give me 15 % of that. I don't know fucking nothing. Give me a check. It's true. So the next day he said, Loan wants to meet you. Loan. And I said, well, I got a gig in San Diego. And I said, he knows. I'm middling. I get a gig in San Diego. And he said, he'll know if you have a job. He'll respect it. and you know and he said if he wants to meet me fly me to New York and that was very and I just said that in the morning as I'm driving down to San Diego I have the cold sweats and I literally like I just fucked up everything why didn't I meet and I really had but at the back of my mind it was the right thing and the only person he flew out of all those people audition was me to New York you flew over me while I was driving David was yeah he was getting ready to move furniture because he had to go back and forth and they hired us as a writing team I remember you guys coming in like freaking yeah it was a weird scene Bernie said they were writing theme you got the higher rhythm both I was not aware that I didn't want to first of all I didn't want to be a writer I wanted to write but be a performer and that was hard and that's what I was saying about Copy Machine we did those four shows even Dennis said Spudley you don't get anything on I think it's curtains I'm like and it was only fucking four shows I go there's no fucking chance I did get a Michael J.

52:44Fox on on the Dice Clay show and Kenny Among who I love says, David, I forgot to put you at the beginning. I go, what does that mean? He goes, I didn't put your card up where it says, featuring David Spade. And I go, it wasn't there? And he goes, yeah, so no one knew who you were.

52:57Dana Carvey:And I go, God damn, I won shot. It's a tradition on the podcast. Just 10 seconds, Michael J. Fox, Casualty Leads Award. Sarge. Actually, I just give you one. I'll do it for Rob. No, you're down to one syllable. He's seen it too many times. So I do Michael J. Fox. And then we have a summer off. Sorry, listeners. And then Rob and I get hired back. they always wait a while it was a little touch and goy because we didn't get anything on but i remember like i would do anything like they said like write um promos promos which is like that why are they letting me write promos i've never written a pro in my life so this is awesome you realize no one wants to write the promos yeah and so i went and they said you know and lauren was i mean i was just blown away by the fact that lauren would even talk to me and then And then he said like, and then, you know, you have to write it.

53:45You'll write promos. And then - No explanation either. You just got to figure it out. And so I went in and Debra Winger was the host. Debra Winger. I remember her. And I went in and Jack Handy wrote a great sketch with her, even though she was very fragile. I walk into their dressing room. She's there sitting with Lauren on the floor. And she's literally crying going, I can't believe you talked me into doing this. I just I'm not I can't and I was like whoa is this like this every week yes wow

54:15Dana Carvey:I would have gone in Travolta you know for her like from what that western Urban Cowboy go ahead you know like I kind of think I might be falling in love with you or something like that sorry that was a day well but Dana too is that he would hit you know in his stand up too he's like the turns he would make by the time he would be like like a a NASCAR or a racer, you know, a driver. And all of a sudden, and by the end of his routine, because he would do the stuff, but then he would pummel the audience. It was like a boom, boom, boom. And by the end, he would go from one impression, another impression, and then the impressions are talking to each other and the audience can't breathe.

54:53It was like, it was literally like a meditative thing for that. I said, holy shit. I'm going to listen to this podcast. That's very nice, Rob. But that is where all that was. We can cut all that out. That was the influence with me.

55:02Dana Carvey:David wants to make an edit now. No, just anything about Dana we're going to take out. Pummel, pummel, pummel. Rob, when we were at, I think those four shows. I just got to use the restroom real quick. Am I just sorry? I said, can I use the restroom real quick? Yeah, yeah. Just want to. Yeah, go through the back room. Dana, you started standing. Rob's going to go away. We don't have to stop it. We can just wait, right? Keep going. Oh, we keep going? He's so weird. Rob's using the restroom. I know. That's really smart. Talk about Deuce Bigelow. What does that mean? He's taking it too. Like he's going to unload?

55:33Dana Carvey:Yeah. He's getting the unload chamber. There's a bathroom right here too. Do you know that? That you don't have to go in the back bedroom. I guess. Where did you go? I went to the very back. You're not going again. I just wanted to let you know. And the air. I'm taking a mirror in there so you can even. You can watch yourself. It's just either one. Audio only podcast. No, it's right by the grocery store. If you go through this hall, there's a little mini Ralph's. It's a pop-up. You go through that. Sorry, Sarge. Hey, Sarge. Hey, Sarge. I got it. It's Casey Kasem. I got to do it. Hey, Sarge. I have to get a new one, dude.

56:11Dana Carvey:We don't have that many runners. That's just a great runner. That's a great runner. No one gets tired of it. You know what Nikki Glaser said about your set the other night, that you should do more of that Bill Gates bit. On the island? Yeah, it was funny. And do more Clinton. Oh, you see those pictures? I got them for you. I was bailing because I was just doing concepts. I was bailing because a lot. They were so excited. The pictures and the videos I saw made it look like it was like the best show. I did keep some of those pictures to send you. Well, I did get a standing ovation, but to me, that's not good enough.

56:43Dana Carvey:No, it's because I did Chopping Broccoli on the piano where I wrote Chopping Broccoli. You did a standing ovation, but they found out that guy worked there. You came up, and I knew on the way out, all I heard was roaring. Well, what happened was the other night, if we're still on, is that Dana came down to do the improv the other night, and he's doing, hosting a show coming up. So he's practicing. And did stand up in three years in a club. Three years in a club. We put him as a special guest and then I went after him. But went up, great. Read some stuff off a notepad. Everyone was enchanted. Funny premises, big laughs, closes hard.

57:20And then I went up, but everyone was like, stand up, dance.

57:23Dana Carvey:Well, that's good if she liked that. I like the premise of Bill Gates on Epstein's Island being awkward. Hey, what are you doing here? I'm just like putting it on sunscreen. We're going to go buy the pulley. Want to go?

57:39All right, listen. If you're enjoying The Fly on the Wall, of course, hopefully you are. Click follow. We don't want to be desperate, but obviously smash that goddang button on your favorite podcast app. Leave a review, a good one. Leave a five-star rating, nothing else. Whoops. And maybe even share an episode with a friend. If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe, Dana. What do you think?

58:04Dana Carvey:I'm going to tell you this right now. Hear me now, believe me later. Fly on the Wall, believe it or not, is presented by Odyssey. And executive produced by, hold for it, Dana Carvey and David Spade. Or David Spade and Dana Carvey. We don't write this stuff. Heather Santoro, Greg Holtzman, and Leah Reese Dennis. The show is edited by Evan Cox. with production support from Phil Sweetech. Talent production and booking by Sophia Lepore.