Shane Gillis Sets a Record + Birthday Flowers from Lorne

30:04Dana Carvey:Let's get this done. Yeah. And he literally, with his hoof, has kind of a sort of a horse-like cigarette. He literally can lift one. where's the goddamn romance dana well you know what i do and i know this sounds probably weird i'll show yes very weird whatever you're about to say so if i'm up in the mountains hiking by myself because one time i saw a deer that had just gotten attacked by some coyotes yeah and it was just lying there and it just was that the throat was cut open okay okay okay so when i'm way up in the mountains by myself what i do is i i don't want to surprise an animal, a mountain lion.

30:45So I start to do this, this just to make noise

30:48Dana Carvey:like a horse. It feels like a horse is coming. And then every once in a while, I just go and fake them out, fake them out. You don't want to come in there real. You don't want to be there real quiet. And there's a baby cougar and the mama cougar. What you did? Were you going to surprise us? So yeah, just a fun fact. That's a good idea. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. I like that. Yeah, thanks. It seems ridiculous when you're way out there, it's dead quiet. You just don't want to surprise some kind of mama animal. I always read about like there was a on Channel 5 this morning. There was like another story.

31:29Well, up in Big Bear, which is like our little mountainous area. The name says it all. A bear walked into a dentist office. You know, they always show a bear. Comes in, looks around. No food. and he walked right out but the people were shaking of course how about shitting like a bear they walk in they look around they're so cute they just want food they go into stores they walk into town la la la they're so cute until they maul you but up until that mall you get your

31:59Dana Carvey:attention in montana once we were at this place and it had little tiny cabins for rent and it had a little mercantile, that kind of thing. And then I noticed we got there, it had like a 20 foot steel cylinder cage, like big and around with it's open on that one side it's open. And the other end of the big cylinder cage on a hook is a giant piece of meat. I think it was ham. Oh, to catch them. So the grizzly goes in to get the meat and then the thing closes behind them. But so far, the grizzly hadn't gone in there. So at night, you got a flashlight. Marco, Polo. You want to get to the cabin pretty quick, if you know what I'm talking about.

32:42Yeah. I'm not around bears a lot because in Arizona, we had more different animals. But bears look cuddly.

32:51Dana Carvey:Yeah, we've got a few here. Should we do some news stories? I guess so, unless you got some banger in your back pocket. I got nothing, dude. We're killing with this stuff. okay this interview got out of hand quickly what could it be okay sorry but they're superseding my expectations these are funny when they interview athletes and the other ones they deserve last question did anyone on your team have a conversation before this regional kicked off obviously last year you weren't a part of it you were you know how they do this here in la for you guys was there any conversation or just leave it be um we're all just super focused on this year and we're super excited to get to it we couldn't wait to start playing this week so we were just super excited and focused on that she's like the hero of the game for um each other's success and we were naming things i could not we were ready to see and that's funny you're the most focused person i've ever seen i don't know what's happening how is she keeping a straight face congratulations on the win take that thor's hammer and uh you We'll see you on Saturday.

33:58Thank you so much.

34:00Dana Carvey:So, well, her teammates are having fun with her, right? Yeah, that's a good feel-good story. Then they're playing it straight. The announcer is not laughing. The announcer was good, and she was good answering. Yeah. She wasn't like, you guys. Because they really do that, and they totally exaggerate. Guess who really laughed at that? He just called me. He's got a phone. These are getting better when they have something. She had a book on her head. Yeah, you understood it. All right, good job. Trump stepped in a doo-doo.

34:39Is that a Nokia? I don't know. I had that phone.

34:44Dana Carvey:That's Mark Hirschhaw who makes these puppets. I like that he's adding stuff to him. I like Chef Lorne R.D. All right. Right. So yeah, that, that was athletes. That was a coordinated attack because usually they just put a bat or something, but okay. What's the next one? That was a cute one. That was, this is adorable. Well, this is okay. This is what one of my big fears is. And I got in this God dang algo on my Instagram. It's going caving and spelunking. So these people are training to cave. This is not a big deal, but it just shows you i would already be scared uh yeah they have to prove they can get through this during their class that was going to be my recommended technique usually people with broader shoulders they go in kind of diagonal like that just picture that slender block never end she's fine so this is a little longer this way the actual hole don't arch your butt butt in the way so all right we're gonna have a great no but i will say that they show real caves and have you seen the animation of when it's like where they get stuck it's like just it looks like a colon or an intestine where these caves and it's this much they got a little light they're trying to pull them backward i go not not a chance in the world i would do that yeah they had you know for families like parents and the kids this place where you go and you're crawling into the thing you can't see anything and then you get to a certain segment in it and then you it's pitch black and you're trying to find the way out and you can tap out at that point so a lot of the parents are like give me out give me out i mean it was it was absolutely ridiculous not fun at all and shit you don't think Odysseus could get there what it meant what was Matt Damon's name in that movie I'm not sure Steve Gary yeah um I I don't think caves are a good idea generally in life I mean unless it's really like your thing Marcy if you found yourself in a cave I mean I feel like maybe things are going wrong well what's your phobia I've never asked you this well caves I do.

37:04Dana Carvey:Caves number one. It's not even like a breakthrough phobia. It's like, I don't want to be in some nine inch cave, like with water dripping on me. Can I, no, almost no one does. Who gets high? They do it. They all go. How about scary of the underwater cave? And they had that problem with these people that were all pro divers. And they all croaked in a cave in like hours and they could not. Oh yeah, that's right. Once you get disorientated in there and it's pitch black. My first order of business, when I'm super scared like that, poo my pants. Once that is evacuated, then I can think clearly. My first, if I'm down there and I see some like you who's confused, probably going to drown anyway.

37:49Dana Carvey:It's like, I go, what? And then I take your auction thing. Yeah. I go like this. I go, hang on. This will fix everything. And I take theirs. I go, shh. And I go, okay. Bye. Yeah, I go, I go, yeah, hey, a buddy breathe, right? Buddy breathe. And then I'm like, push off. Push off them. We're not very nice people, are we? No, that's really shitty. What was the movie that Ron Howard directed that was brilliant, actually? No, about the cave where the kids got trapped. It wasn't the 13 home liners. Something like that. Heather said it's Goonies. Goonies. but they couldn't get the it was so scary they had to the only way to get the kids out was to drug them and put an auction thing on and guide them because they're so fucking scared right there it was just so claustrophobic and tight it's just hard not dude those are that's a hero the guy that goes in there yes it's terrifying absolutely and they didn't think they could rescue him it was impossible i'm a hero for driving around the same call yesterday took me 32 minutes to get to dinner that's a different kind of hero well you're a hero when you follow bill burr at the comedy store i follow anyone these guys that you come out the wmba it's empty that's your fault feminists don't blame me i like to go out and kind of look sometimes bill was up there having a long argument with a woman what a woman ever what did they invent What'd they ever do?

39:24What'd you ever do? You ever hit the airplane? I was like, it went on for like 20 minutes. He goes, what's Michelle Obama squawking about? You don't hear from the first lady. When I grew up, I didn't know who she was. George Bush. What was his wife's name? Maggie? I don't know. I didn't even know their name. Maggie. Maggie. Was there a Maggie? Maybe there was President McKinley. There was a Nancy Reagan.

39:50Dana Carvey:Okay. There was Mamie Truman or something. Mamie. Hello, my baby. Mamie. Oh, my. He's the president. Had a couple heart attacks. I don't care. I'll be back. Okay. Next story. What do we got? This is the best we've ever done. I'm going to call it right now. I'm calling it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay. Lionel Messi versus baby. This is the story of Messi was the biggest. I don't know if Heather knows this. Oh, because he got emotional after his team loss? No, no, no. This is more interesting than that. Okay. So this is the final of the two players that are the biggest stars on each team. I didn't know this fact.

40:33I can't get over this. This is the cutest thing that has ever happened before. So there was a raffle in this Barcelona neighborhood. It was basically like your kid can get a photo with a soccer player. So this is Lionel Messi who plays for Argentina. And he's like having this photo shoot 20 years ago with this baby in a bathtub. That baby grew up. The star on the team he's playing. Lamina Jamal, who is representing Spain in the World Cup. And that's not all. This Sunday, July 19th, they play each other in the World Cup. Yes. In the final. This is the greatest story in human history. My heart exploded.

41:17You have got to be joking me, dude A little baby, I play you one day Sometimes Earth is a cool place to be

41:23Dana Carvey:What they don't talk about Even though the guy's a grown man and a world-class soccer player Messe gave him a bath After the He did again? Yeah, in the locker They had a big tub and it was whatever That's cute, they redid it Yeah, and then they took a photo He goes, take off all your clothes It's online for$300 You know what also? He got mad at him during And Mike picked up where he goes I liked you better when you were a baby.

41:51That's actually, hey, Spade did a pretty good Messi. Usually he makes a Messi of it. I was trying to find my impression.

42:04Dana Carvey:Well, it's like an Argentinian, a little bit Spanish. Well, I wouldn't really know. I don't hear him talk. But I do kind of, Peggy Noonan, the Wall Street Journal, wrote kind of a nice thing about how popular america is getting oh because of the world cup yeah which i like hearing some positive news about america it was nice to hear people going oh we came there and we all hated we were told to hate it and it wasn't bad and everyone was nice to us and it was fun that's good to hear we don't realize i know we have problems in the we got it but like a lot of foreigners saw a costco look at this fucking place look at this You can get anything here.

42:44Dana Carvey:They love it. They went crazy for that. They went crazy for our podcast. That was weird. I like Costco. I feel skinny. Anything you want. Well, first time I went to Dublin in the 90s, I went to a grocery store. And they go, have you got any bread? Yeah, there's a loaf of bread. One kind. And then there's the milk right there. One kind. It was just one kind for you. You don't need a lot of choices. Who needs all the fuss? And then my wife's relatives came to LA. We took them to a supermarket and they just blew their minds. They saw the yogurt. They go, my God, the yogurt. And then one of them said, why do you have to have so many choices in America?

43:30Dana Carvey:You know, it's free market capitalism gone amok. But there you have it. Don't be mad at us because we're number one. We're number one. Don't hate us because of our grocery store. well we are and and ferris wheels but for sure

43:50listen you guys know how much i love multitasking that's what everyone's always stopping me and asking me about um lately my secret weapon's been amazon music i used to jump in between three different apps to get through my day because i'm weird but now amazon music is my one app for music podcasts and audiobooks yes you heard it right your amazon music unlimited subscription now includes access to audiobooks meaning it does so much more for you without any extra hassle

44:21Dana Carvey:dana i've been listening while walking the dog tackling that endless mountain of laundry and it just you're always doing the laundry i i do loads and loads of it all day sundays it's yeah sundays Laundry Day. Boo, I got 55 of these. And it just fits perfectly into my routine. I recently queued up Project Hail Mary, which was a great movie, but great to listen to, too. Hearing the story come to life in the narrator's voice completely transformed my afternoon chores into an epic space adventure. Jealous? Yeah, it's amazing how great voice performance makes the story feel so special and immersive.

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47:29Dana Carvey:uh okay another one clip it up clip it ship it clip it and ship it hold on new prison that allows inmates to serve you oh serve years of their prison sentences in a matter of minutes oh what let's hear it let's hear it So they coming up with a new prison that allows inmates to serve years of their sentence in just a matter of minutes. So the criminals is going to have a choice to spend tens of years behind bars or they can make the choice to get the artificial memory. Wow. It's coming. So this process is called Cognify. And the intent of it is to treat the criminal. Welcome to Cognify. They're going to try to change.

48:15I love her accent. chemistry. After this process, when they re-enter society, they will be new and reformed, and they won't even be capable of committing any other crime. The CHIP can make the patient feel empathetic. Depending on the severity of the crime, the CHIP can also make you feel the emotional and physical pain of a victim. You can feel what they feel. So the process only takes about seven minutes. But to the patient, it seemed like it had been years. Wow, so they do that. Last year, the U.S. government spent$8.7 billion taxpayers' dollars on the prison. They say with this new prison they can save money for healthcare.

48:59Dana Carvey:She should run for mayor. I don't know. I shouldn't have done this and I shouldn't even say this, but I did order you one of those chips. A chip ought to make me nicer? Yeah, you don't have to use it or whatever. It's just this habit. I just have it if I need it. Now, why is she the human being? Nothing to deliver this global change. Because all of these stupid things aren't from the news. There are people that look stuff up and they talk about it. And it's hard to go back behind that wall and just get the real story that she's reporting on because we're all lazy. Everything that's been in science fiction movies, put a chip in your head, control you, all that stuff.

49:41Dana Carvey:It's coming. I mean, I think when they're saying Neuralink and all this stuff is very real and they're saying, OK, you can get out of jail. We just have to program you so you don't. There's a set of rules in your head now that you can't break. Sounds interesting, but really far out there. Well, you'd want to make super sure that some some son of Sam dude couldn't just hack it like Charlie Manson probably could have just hacked it. Yeah. Yeah. Give me the chip. I'm sure there's a few glitches. They got a few bugs in it. Yeah. And that's the problem. Remember the joke about the guy that said, son of Sam, his dog told him to kill 13 people.

50:21Remember that story?

50:22Dana Carvey:Yeah. And he said, you know, he got arrested, but the dog is still out there. That's a pretty good joke. It's funny. You don't have a lot of really good son of Sam. He's just going to tell someone else. I know one guy who loved that bit. that's a good laugh that matches it what are we doing where are we going where are we going so what does that mean yeah that's um i wish i had his name the young man who does it on snl i love calling young men who does tucker is it dis mucs no it's one of the new cast members could you look that up we should have chloe on chloe just left i know chloe seven Seven years is a good chunk.

51:09Dana Carvey:Because it's not just like when we were there, you movie star or sitcom. Now it's like there's 13 ,000 streaming shows. I mean, Chloe, if she wants to work, we'll just constantly. Well, the eighth year is when they put the chip in to make you behave. Marcelo got his chip earlier. What they don't know is the chip goes into the cake. I send the cake It's like really a good cake But that's beside the point Did you like the souffle? The sponge holds the chip The ingestion process happens And then they stay forever I like that Chef Lauren is talking about this Oh, he's sinking down I ruined that Never think I'm exiting Until I actually exit, David It's a very obvious thing By the way, grown-ups what's the prognosis?

52:06Prognosis is it looks like it's moving forward.

52:10Dana Carvey:So it's the same guys. They're like, just run around. Don't say it like that. Do people beat them up? Do young people come, a gang, and beat them up? I think so. Have you read it? It sounds like really, really fun. Not. Every time I do a movie and agree to do a movie, I wait till about the third day of shooting to read the script. well if i make my choices segmented it's like you you're in it a lot let's be honest but there's you know there's times i will say there's a lot going on and the script's gotten better and better and uh it really comes together so i think it's a very nice good it's always a good family movie but it's hard to keep up with the other two because i do honestly believe the other two were really good i like they're good family movies they have jokes in them they're not yeah super offensive you can watch with your kids they're funny and uh the cast is super likable um and i think the other ones did in real movie time not today like hundreds of millions i mean they were smashes at the time yeah they're keeping the lights on at tbs they run them all the time so they're all over the place and you almost have to see them because they're somewhere in front of you but anyway i was excited and it's looking it's really shaping up so a lot of fun people in it a lot of surprise people in it so far and uh i guess this is a grown-ups update it's turning into but yeah so i'll be it's good i mean it's all right we talked about busboys now that's that did its thing fantastic and now we talk about grown-ups and we walk the audience through the process right now you're about to get on an airplane and go make a make a cellular adventure go do it up um and i'm excited i'm very excited about it uh okay what's let's do one more story well by the way the the cast member who does the tucker carlson update is jeremy culaine oh i'm sorry okay good we got let me see if this is a good one to end with it's not really but i was just thinking it's very interesting i'm in a bee algo and so i'm interested in bees so they always show people like catching bees oh yeah how they do it how big the bees are hornets are crazily huge and how people some of them don't wear protection and i don't know why or what's going on they must have some sort of sense with the bees uh vibe uh let's see what this guy does this guy this this job this has got c to program written all over it that was dennis's joke I don't like his scared breathing but he's got to go he's way high he's in the jungle Heather well do the legs look like they're real they always smoke them out do the feet look real as they're walking I guess so but I mean it looks like so well he's not really being extra careful look at him well that's the thing is they got it wired okay I don't like his disgust it's weird what is what's gonna happen I know okay so there's the beehive he starts knocking him down and they don't go after job oh there's even scarier he's got a gift this is this what is this part of me job you got to get the honey I think oh he's getting the honeycomb Don't mind me.

55:38Dana Carvey:Don't mind me. I'm sorry I don't know this, but what will the bees do with the honeycomb if he doesn't take it? Feed it to the queen? I don't know. It's all about the queen. It's all about the queen. So, dude, all this shit to cut this. I don't know how big honeycombs those bees. That doesn't look big enough to grow up that food. The guy sounds a little bit stressed, and I don't blame him. Are you kidding me? The heavy breathing? Well, I've seen them. I've never seen them capture the honeycomb like that, but I've seen them move the bees up because they're on someone's front porch. It's too scary.

56:18I've never seen a tree like that. They move it to somewhere else because bees are important, so they don't get rid of them. But they can tell these bees are mad. There's some they go in. They don't have a lot of stuff on, and they just go quietly, and the bees somehow do not sting them. They fly around. And some, they have the protection on. They go, oh my God, these bees are louder and madder. And they really are trying to get them. And it's to be in that little suit. And one guy goes, oh, I got in my suit. One guy to my suit.

56:45Dana Carvey:And it's just like wailing on him. We have a whole thing up here with ants. And summertime. They want to come in for any kind of moisture. Moisture. So my wife found, it was through the bookcase and then into the kitchen, into the thing. I didn't even see it. And it was like 30 ,000 ants. And so what these ant traps do is you put it down and then the little ants, and then they get some of it and they bring it back to the queen. It's so rude. And then they poison the queen and it ends that whole hive. And it's kind of - Once a queen's gone, they're all like, so what do we do? Just go to the mall?

57:24They don't know what to do. Every character has a cigarette today. They disperse. Hey, you know, I mean We thought it was going to be delicious But she croaked, so we'll find another queen Queen, here's a cake What do you want from me? Did you give the queen a poison cake? No, I Hey, what happened was There was this cake And I said, I should not eat this This is for the queen Fit for queen And then the queen ate and croaked And then they're like You're not trying to Uh-oh, here comes Lauren

57:55Dana Carvey:I have nothing to say I'm just really enjoying the podcast Oh The queen will get the poison. She dies. And then very shortly thereafter, all the soldier ants find a new queen. It's like the way nature works on a farm. Like SNL, you're the queen. In my case, I'd be the king. Right. Goodbye, David. That's a good way to end. Goodbye. Sometimes you do the Lauren puppet with a hat on. I don't know. I just picked them out. Okay. well that's good so we did a great job again thank you incredible my hair looks really what am i doing today hair looks good i'm gonna start my i'm gonna be soft packing before i start the real hard launch packing what is the one thing that you could potentially forget uh i mean it's very weird because i don't know all the temperatures of everywhere and it's going to be really long.

58:56It's definitely way longer than the first one. It's a huge chunk of time. There's no way to plan and pack that much. So I have to figure out how to get cold weather stuff out there after a while.

59:09Dana Carvey:Well, the thing is, is that probably out of how isolated you're going to be. I mean, of course I can fly in with equipment and stuff. It's like that. Thank you. That's what I was getting at. Well, if there's a pharmacy nearby, you can get the debt that our you know cvs if there's sort of a rei you can get a jacket if you need it that's if we're in the u.s oh whoops more to come but i will say tax advantage i want you to film yourself when you come to my new house and and facetime me going do you like this shirt i'll pack it like this sweater i'll pack it um yeah and and why heather gave me the the code and the key to be in your house.

59:53Dana Carvey:I'm not going to go to your house, but I will keep an eye on it. You can come use the pool. Again? Yeah. Just take some selfies like last time. I'll bring Lovett and Dice. I'm already here. I'm in a new movie called The House Sitter. Dice is the cinematographer. Oh! Yeah. Okay, thank you. Bye, guys. Thanks for coming, guys. Thanks for coming.

1:00:24All right, listen, if you're enjoying The Fly on the Wall, of course, hopefully you are, click follow. We don't want to be desperate, but obviously smash that goddang button on your favorite podcast app. Smash. Leave a review, a good one. Leave a five-star rating, nothing else. Whoops. And maybe even share an episode with a friend. If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. Dana, what do you think?

1:00:48Dana Carvey:I'm going to tell you this right now. Hear me now, believe me later Fly on the Wall Believe it or not, is presented by Odyssey And executive produced by Hold for it Dana Carvey and David Spade Or David Spade and Dana Carvey We don't write this stuff Heather Santoro, Greg Holtzman And Leah Reese Dennis The show is edited by Evan Cox With production support from Phil Sweetech Talent production and booking By Sophia Lepore I'll see you next time.