Spade & Kelly Osbourne Split?! + Jack Reacher Fights & SNL UK

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0:42People get to see my pins. I've heard all about them. I got my sticks out. Yep. No wrinkles. Go with everything. Not crazy expensive. The cashmere polo looks luxe, feels great, wearing it constantly.

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2:12a lot like Casablanca, just as far as like longevity and how important it is.

2:17Dana Carvey:Between you and Theo, which one's Bogart, Humphrey Bogart, which one's Ingrid Burden? Did you see a porn called The Longest Wiener? Wiener made it in the chat. Boom. So this is episode 941 and you have taken a page from me. I've swapped out, but you have a short sleeve black t-shirt on. my last check i've worn a short sleep black t-shirt 78 of the time 1200 episodes look at i got a cool hat too but i didn't wear it because it was black and i'm like you know what i'm gonna rough it with my hair and uh these people don't deserve another hat i'm just gonna rough it but the black t-shirt is very rare for me what happened well i do like them but i always feel like you've cornered that market so i said i gotta fluff it up with green blue indigo violet roigabiv what's roigabiv roigabiv that is light blue and orange mixed together to make a hazy don't ever ask what it's the colors of the rainbow usually you have well usually you have a roigabiv you have kind of a little golf shirt and i'm just saying it's cute i'm not saying it's feminine that's ridiculous but it has a little collar okay and it has a little puffed out sleeves they're tough yeah i mean um it's adorable this is a man this is steve mcqueen this is brad pitt in uh once upon a time in hollywood i'm obviously going to change my carburetor i tried to change my alternator on my 70 no 62 volvo when i was starting out i had to go to pick apart you know what that is that's absolutely that's a place in arizona where they have all these old trash cars and you give them like uh five bucks to go in and then you bring your old your own tools and you go find an alternate you go and you take it out and then you walk up and put it on the scale like and then they go she's worth about 25 and so you can find some good shit my gas cap was so cool on my old volvo that everyone kept stealing it and my stick shift had a knob on it that was chrome and it got stolen within minutes.

4:36That's a lovely story. You know what? Let's save that. Fucker. God dang it. I should have saved that for sweeps. You prick.

4:54Wake up, Dana. You can't beat the snoozer.

4:58Dana Carvey:I'm getting your alarm clock. a dollar 99 on amazon uh anyway you'll we'll revisit this we don't make the whole episode oh yeah no no we had um mixed reviews on the youtube comment maybe a bit too much um here's a here's a character i auditioned for in a movie but i didn't get it because i did i did different breathing than this tell me who it is

5:25Dana Carvey:Oh, it's astronaut Bowman in the movie 2001 trying to get the, how to open the bathroom door or the pot bay door. Very close. Darth Vader. Oh, Darth Vader. Here's you having a sandwich.

5:44Dana Carvey:That's a good one.

5:48Dana Carvey:i i've downloaded i what i did i used ai to you and your fucking ai all your sound effects and i downloaded some machines so now your sound effects are my sound effects did you see what i was doing i was fake chewing and that was the noise you were doing was good it was good match yeah that's one of your one of your little hooks which was really funny the first 900 times no it was not it was pretty funny the second 3 000. no but listen i might my little noises are going to be replaced by ai and i'm really scared everything's to be replaced by ai i went i went yesterday i actually i i keep a diary and i went a minute and a half not saying the word ai or the phrase ai yesterday is that oh You say it a lot around the house?

6:43Dana Carvey:AI? Well, AI is going to supplant that. AI will do your dishes. AI, robots will be AI driven and they'll steal. Poor Paula. They'll find his Volvo, David's Volvo and some junk heap. They'll redo it and a robot will drive up and deliver it to him. Poor Paula. That's all you heard finally. Shit, I got to get a good one.

7:10Dana Carvey:Emergency. Emergency podcast notification. Oh, that's good. Emergency. Breaking news. Here's one that sounds like Sandler. Why you no has friends? Doesn't that sound like Sandler? It's right close. It's very close. Why you no has friends? Why you no have friends? Okay. Wait, speaking of tough, did you see that this dude that plays Jack Reacher, who is a freaking monster, i know he knocked out his neighbor i'm like who is fighting jack reacher who on god's green earth who gets in front of jack reacher's little motorcycle he's having fun on a cul-de-sac and goes stop it motherfucker i mean who does that to jack reacher who goes up to jack reacher and goes whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa who does this to jack reacher come here you little you little come on you want some of this who does that to jack reacher who goes up to him and goes you think you're tough just because you're 6 '9 yeah tough because you play the toughest fucking out 6 '9 320 you don't want any piece of this trust me you're tough i'll snap your neck i don't care if you're 7 '3 404 i'll make it so you can't reach for anything reacher you reach her i break her and what and tom cruise played the character reacher in a movie i know that was a big discussion tom cruise is always good though because his commitment is harder than any human in acting he's just he commits if he wants to be six nine he is and because jack reacher i guess it was a comic but he's just some bigger than life guy and then when tom cruise did it they had to adjust the dialogue like this huge dude came in here he must have been five four he was knocking everybody out he's not five four I don't know numbers I don't know hi yeah no you just Tom Cruise man I mean I I'm just such a fan because he truly risks his life to entertain me and so if someone's gonna do that he's like evil knievel who took an acting class you know evil knievel had no plan they said that when he came in the booth before wild world of sports he's like he's got a dart in his mouth and like a you know miller light he's like what are we doing today man i'm hung over like you're jumping like 15 buses all right keep the camera on me when i wreck i know and what about the branding of the name evil kenevo that was his ninth choice and some of the back circus things he was known as cruel ken and it never took off cruel ken is now going to climb over a volkswagen bug and eventually it was evil kenevo versus the grand canyon ornery orny adams i know he's the only orny i know the comedian evil knievel was uh looked cool sorry sort of took a page out of elvis's big collar sort of the colonel sued him blue yeah oh did they sue him for that i made that up oh it sounds like it could happen yeah but it was that white jumpsuit looks so cool yeah red white and blue and then yeah in front of the uh caesar's palace or something with a ramp he's gonna jump 20 school buses and a lot of times he'd fall and break like nine bones and everyone wanted i know he's okay he'd wave you know this poor he wiped out so bad at caesar's and it was a slow motion and it was literally like my zepruder tape zepruder tape because he hit and he's like and then he like flies up and then the handlebars twist and he's like what because he had to land on like a dime he had to land and stop before there's some big you know pillars and cinder blocks yeah they had jim mckay or howard cosell commentating it here he comes evil keneval going to drop 49 and howard cosell used to he was an emergency room doctor before he was an announcer so when he went down in slow motion and there goes the clavicle that goes to right elbow the kidney is ruptured his knees are shot the femur is snapped ankle twisted ego bruised and i don't know if people know from our generation our cassell sports announcer was the greatest because he would burst forward and down goes frazier yeah down goes frazier and then he was incredibly sophisticated the panaceifications of the index of flops but be the champ they do know because our average age of our viewers is 100 which helps i found out But yesterday I was reading, I asked AI and they said 99.2 % listened to this podcast.

12:20Dana Carvey:And yet we're out here dancing with our donuts. We jump wrong. We have a very wide ranging fan base. Let me tell you one other story. It's a growing fan base. I saw on Instagram, everyone tagged me, of course. And no offense to this dude. I don't want people to say I look like people. and it's never like you know tom cruise it's always like hey you look like this guy that's you know a junkie down at the junkyard so this guy and i hate to say i kind of agree with this one wait a junkie at the junkyard was that a set okay that should be a show i'm the junkie at the junkyard smygo writes a song so here's a picture if they have it Kelly Osbourne breaks up with her fiancee.

13:08I couldn't care less about that story. All I could have my eyes on was the guy that looks like me as a fucking magician. Do you have that in there? If not, we'll find it. Oh, I'll wait. I had a weird photo thing, too. Actually, just Google it. Kelly Osbourne break up with Spade-looking dude with a flat top.

13:32Dana Carvey:The guy who started OnlyFans passed away, and then in Daily Mail, there's a big picture of us together. No, with you? Yeah, with me and him. Look it up. Look at this fucking spade guy. Wait a minute. That. Are people saying that? Yeah. They're saying that. People sent it to me. Well, it's the mullet. What do you think, Heather?

14:03a little bit the crickets agree listen also they're saying you look exactly kelly osmar now

14:13Dana Carvey:that's the part that oh i don't have a dress like that that's the tell she's got your exact skinny shoulders uh they're getting a little more built up lately i'll just put newsflash all right forget this story let's talk about dana and the only fans guy can we get that picture is that true it was in daily mail the the gentleman who passed away i don't remember meeting him but he started the gentleman from kentucky and here's the gentleman from only fans and here come the women who make money on only fans i know they were all giving their sad quotes It's like, without this, I couldn't be naked.

14:54Dana Carvey:You got jealous of my stripes last week. Remember, Eunice? Look. I'm vaguely familiar to last week's show. Somebody did the wash this week. Look. Don't be mad of my boxy gap long sleeve t-shirt with sleeve elements. You look like Doc Ock when you stick your arms out like that. Whoops. Sorry. Not only tigers get out of their cages. Whoops. so well you look tough you don't look like jack reacher you should fight jack reacher hey keep it down pipsqueak i do understand the guy was trying to tell him don't rev the motorcycles in the neighborhood but you just don't say it to him well he got there was no charges um they just sort of shook hands they're still neighbors and i think the guy kind of i took a punch of jack reacher yeah i think it's a flex at every poker game you know tell us that story about how you took on that Jack Reacher guy, who, by the way, does have an actual name, we should say, and we should have him on this show.

15:57I want to hear how he knocked that dude out because the guy's like, oh, you're the guy that took the punch in one second and went down in a millisecond.

16:04Dana Carvey:Why? I just, it looks scary. Yeah, I think they didn't press charges because it was just out of embarrassment, too. Why have I asked my HVAC guy I found on Angie.com to change my grandpa's trachea tube? Because I was so amazed by how quickly he replaced our air ducts. I knew I could trust him to change Pop-Pop's tube while I was on vacation. Make it quick, young man. Aw, see? Pop-Pop trusts you. Uh, I think we should call a doctor. Connecting homeowners with skilled pros for over 30 years. Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home projects at Angie.com. Not sure how to tackle your taxes?

16:49Dana Carvey:Are you sweating the small print? You may be experiencing FOMO, the fear of messing up. The answer, using TurboTax on Intuit Credit Karma. They help you get your biggest refund, and then we help you do more with it with a personalized plan designed to help you hit your money goals. It's time to take your taxes to the max. Start filing today in the Credit Karma app. oh yeah did you keep up with um snl has a uk show yeah i just watched the monologue our friend was an american tina fey from america um i saw some some sketches i thought they were good i don't know you saw sketches okay good yeah there was clips yeah um we didn't really talk about this when it came out but when it was announced but i was thinking it is interesting snl over there and they can swear that was one new thing yes i just said they can swear tina faye dropped an f-bomb up front it's funny to hear tina say it i know because i don't see her using that in real life much she does she's not she doesn't have a she tina does not have a potty mouth it's enough oh here she is oh here she is oh she's with the cast too it's funny this could be metallica this guy i don't you know there's a cast where since i'm not from i don't know one person it's just random it's just like snl so random until you start to get to know them but i saw her mono and it was good and they had graham norton come up they were smart they front-loaded it with some uh because everyone knows the ratings go down over the length of the show so the monologue and the cold open of the scene by the most and after update there's a big drop-off but uh i i think they had an update did they have did they have that or do you know um yes they did uh you know i think that you kind of when you're doing comedy in america and and london or new york london you want to be able to work across the pond um so when you go across the pond you call it the atlantic ocean i call it the pond you go across the pond your joke will work across the pond and work in reverse the other way but what's interesting it's all over the world lauren wants to have an snl in every country bulgaria next yeah and bulgeer it's

19:31Dana Carvey:it's Germany yeah I oh I might go to Europe this summer I'll tell you why later but and I don't really travel a lot I used to I like This is Timothy Chalamet's house I recorded us playing ping pong Oh I thought that was a drop of water No it is a drop of water It is? Yeah Ping pong is better Here's how some of your stories come across

20:10That's your wifi where you live Alright here is Oh no Here is during your act in the audience

20:23sonar here's what you they can't get you off the stage they use this you just stand up don't don't oh yeah people said it's too loud when you do those

20:34Dana Carvey:oh too loud really oh yeah well this is this weighs like two ounces i know it packs an ai punch pack to jack reacher did you know oh you don't know much about this bachelorette it's kind of played out by this point but it happened right after our last taping it's so much to to catch you up on and if i do it on top of the zeitgeist you've got your finger on the pulse well i know but you are on daily meal and that's usually where these things pop up It's a lady, Frankie Paul Thomas Anderson. No, Frank. Taylor Frankie Paul. Three first names of dudes. No, Taylor's a girl's name. So she was on Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, right?

21:27Yes. Where their big story was they had some soft swinging.

21:35Dana Carvey:the number one show in the world by some metrics is the off the res mormon wives going at it well it's huge you know because there's so much my uh the girl that goes on the road with me and opens uh elena her shirshi she uh she was mormon until she was i think 30 she's probably 33 now anyway she has great stories and i said do more than your act because that's what's riveting about that show the soaking all these terminologies they use uh also that they soft swing and they soft swing means what does that shenanigans it means they can swap wives don't they have a thing or is it the amish where they let the young people at 18 or 19 go out into society for two or the amish go out in society for two years get drunk suck and bop do whatever do everything yeah go crazy for two years and then come back is it the amish or the amish or is that the amish that do rum spring i think and it i don't know what they can do but i don't think they let them do all that they can they can get on an iphone for 10 minutes because they don't have electricity so that's no i think they get to go nutty it sounds like maybe well the mormon wives so this this woman was like one of the standouts so because it's in collusion with abc and all they said why don't you be the next bachelorette but it's the first time they had a bachelorette that had a kids i think because she had two baby daddies and three kids huh so she comes over there now these guys come on to fight for her and they had a preliminary episode where she met with old bachelorettes they all gave her advice and then the season was starting and an old tape of her fighting with one of her baby daddies popped up and they yanked the whole bachelor they just yanked it off the air the whole bachelorette and i and i think that's the first time but in the video the real incriminating part was the guy's holding his camera by the way stop fighting with someone they're filming you but he's holding like this and she's like choking him and And then she runs over there and grabs a chair.

23:50That was the big problem. And he said, don't throw your daughters over here. She throws it anyway. So what happens is people say, you can't do that when your kid's right there. I think the chair.

24:02Dana Carvey:Have you ever watched the companion series behind the scenes at the Bachelorette? No, go ahead. Yeah, because you see some of the producers come up between takes. Could you be a little more angry? You really give it to them. It's not reading. And then the girl's like, I'm just not really mad at him. I really like him. Yeah, that's good. That's not what we need right now. You've got to be mad. And pick up a chair, and we're going to try it. Bring in the stunt guy. So we're going to throw it so it won't really hit him, but we're going to get a lot of drama. Have you seen those shows? I have, and also, and the chair's made of Lego.

24:39It's made of Lego. No one's getting hurt. It's made of sponges.

24:42Dana Carvey:There's a bigger issue with it, I'm sure you know. What's that? that they immediately pull her show but then there's a lot of like there's so many other big platforms that people are on that have charges of domestic violence and everything but they're still allowed to oh play football do this do that but oh right the domestic violence that's probably they mean the nfl where they don't get right yeah i i mean i think they stop the bachelorette for right now they're probably deciding having these discussions going is it gone for good because they're like what do we do we're gonna get in trouble either way because there's arguments to say well that by the way the tape was from three years ago so like well did they already see that tape they must have seen it if it's this easy to surface so what's the takeaway i don't know i know i sometimes that it's too hard to tell the whole story it's just a big story out there it's so big no it's huh it's a stupid story that everyone goes out but something to do to distract themselves from real life that's all life is basically just trying to distract yourself i watched a documentary with my wife last night um ingrid bergman the actress who was in casablanca and so forth and so on okay her life story is very interesting ingrid bergman they're saying bus boys is a lot like casablanca just as far as like longevity and how p how important it is between you and theo which one's bogart humphrey bogart which ones which one's ingrid bergman is there a spencer tracy in that movie or no no but he was a dr jekyll and mr hyde with ingrid berg ingrid there is yeah what if i told you i didn't see casablanca i i'd say i'd say you're you're drawing casablanca's right now i'm drawing a casablanca i am what if i said i didn't see what's an important movie you didn't see i didn't see gone with the wind i mean we're going way back but uh gone with the wind is interesting because now on if you see it on amazon i think if you rent it or whatever there's like uh um a whole a whole warning there's a warning that says these are actors pretending it's not actual slavery tell you that much yeah and it goes on and on and you may be you may be triggered it's at it's 90 years ago about 90 years earlier but they just but anyway yeah i think that's a it depends if you're a filmophile i mean you're more of a hit and run you're like a gomer pile you know you're like more of i dream of genie a hayseed yeah or in the modern era you're a bachelorette this and that but have you seen all the president's men i'll give you a pop quiz all the president's men love it okay three days the condor uh with faye dunaway maybe yeah it's i i remember in the movie theaters in arizona and i was like i want to see it i knew i wouldn't understand it and i didn't i my dad took me one of the three movies in my life he took me he was fucking goodbye Mr.

27:54Chips and I love movies and I was like

27:58Dana Carvey:1970s yeah as a little kid yeah did you ever see The Longest Day? I saw The Longest Yard Longest Day is about D-Day that's pretty cool did you see a porn called The Longest Wiener? Wiener made it in the chat boom I only saw it but the sound went out and we had to read subtitles so it just wasn't as good what's the longest day that's not the ufo one no that's a black and white movie with every movie star at the time 1962 and the whole fun of it as a little kid was like the germans are got binoculars and they're looking out when are the allies going to attack you see the end of subtitles are like they'll never attack today no big deal yeah and then he goes like this and there's like a billion ships right there oh he went back to it he went back to it and all of a sudden they emerged so that's kind of stuff did you ever see jason the argonauts i asked i asked tom hanks this yeah is that the one that looked kind of fake but they were yeah but it's great i liked it very cool i saw that on saturday now let's go to 2025 do you know they're speaking of of looking they're putting 125 25 speeding cameras in la now so careful when you come into town dana i know how you like that lead foot uh yeah you know what is kind of one of the perks of being a sod liberty the last three times it's only happened over a period of many years and the last time i was going up this highway supposed to go i was probably you know i've got a car with a pretty big engine you got those pipsqueak cars and i got i just was lead footed and i heard whoop whoop whoop you know and i i just come right around and one time i got a guy looked at me and i'm not that recognizable unless i'm dressed as garst which i do go to malls sometimes you have it in the uh glove compartment you have the glasses and wig yeah but anyway he just wanted a picture and autograph hell yeah and i didn't get a ticket it's it's unfair he should have ticketed me because i I was pretty drunk, but the good edge to him.

30:21I like it. Yeah. I've been gotten off and I've also gotten tickets. So, but I don't like the kind like that because I get they're trying to, it's an easy money grab, but it is, it's supposed to make things safer, which I understand. But if they're going like, it should say over like 15 miles an hour over or 20, because that's the dangerous ones. but I think every single person is going a little over but they just take it and send it to you

30:44Dana Carvey:you don't even know none's the wiser yeah you kind of know if it's if the speed limits 65 you can go 74 safely yeah and they're not gonna town so if it's 25 you're going 35 I would say in and I've driven in New York and I've driven everywhere man and when you're in West Hollywood Hollywood area and you're at these giant intersections, let's say Santa Monica and La Cienega, and people hit 70, and you know they're coming, you're going to make a left, and now it's orange. Now it's red. If you try to jump it, those intersections are death traps. I'm just saying it. Be careful. You got T-boned. I got T-boned bad at one red light runner.

31:34when they floor it is that's when it's dangerous you don't floor it through a yellow or red

31:39Dana Carvey:right just to get through it and then and then you add in a homeless guy who's just wandering in the out in the intersection and you're looking he's going to get hit he's going to get hit you know oh i just missed him it's exciting down there you should come to my farm oh no there's a chicken he's going to get hit there's a new term they're not using anymore called i didn't think they still use this geriatric pregnancies that was on the news today oh okay define that for me that you can you can a woman can have a baby now at 70 or something i think it's lower than that and that's why they said why are we calling why would anyone ever call pregnancy jerry i didn't know there was even a term how about oh that's lucky you got pregnant when you we're 44 or whatever like that's instead of are you doing okay with the geriatric geriatric sounds 80 i know it's interesting how men can can be in their 80s and and have babies with women in their 20s there's something uh really fun about it and interesting it's something very jizzy what's that what heather fun that was me being sarcastic you know what you always do let me ask you this question when someone it some guy older guy has a baby with somebody you always i immediately think how old will the guy be when the baby's a senior in high school am i the only one who does that so yeah i think everyone does i think definitely the mom does it yeah so you think of an 83 year old being a new dad 93 so when the kids it'll be 98 when the right because i think pacino just had a kid probably a couple years ago oh yeah oh yeah maybe two years ago oh hi baby oh yeah perfectly her baby oh what you gonna do look at this look at a kid I swear to God, I'm going to babysit him once a year.

33:47Dana Carvey:Once a year. He's probably the dead dad. That's a good idea. I love Al Pacino. Can we have him on the podcast? I would love it. Everything about him. Two weeks ago. I see him sometimes out and about. How? I don't know. I saw him at some kind of restaurant once. Yeah. We locked eyes. Then he looked away. All right. If that's enough about your week, we will talk about the stories in the news, but you might have more week stuff. Well, we have some news coming up, but it'll really happen in July. One of our horses is going to have a baby. How old's the dad horse? Too old? Well, it's different in the horse world.