State of Boring News, Epstein Files & Hotel Laundry Secrets

7:24Dana Carvey:And you used the butter, the pat butter and the little thing as a hat.

7:28David Spade:I will tell you, I went to The Notebook. Premiere. Oh, I told you it was a premiere horror in the past. I didn't. I went to see James Garner at the party after just to say, you know, good job like I saw it. Jimmy Garner the James Garner yeah he's my boy damn I was doing a show with him uh and I love that guy he was great guy what a stud they're redoing Rockford Files and I'm like I don't know

7:55Dana Carvey:with who I know it's really hard no he was it was amazing and uh and even and it's with me and I'm still critical hey hey hey you got a lot of trending for your uh your Burgess Meredith impression and i realized the key was to say instead of murder say moida that he's gonna

8:18David Spade:he always goes he's gonna he's gonna hoit your appointment and rock this time by minute and you

8:23Dana Carvey:guys have that guy was a brilliant movie star he did of mice and men and then his career mic drop

8:33David Spade:though was uh whatever the character's name was i like oh did he play the penguin oh my god yes

8:40Dana Carvey:you're right he played the penguin on the batman series in 1968 thanks for tuning in boomers yeah

8:47David Spade:rock rocky didn't have a good team about him because his team was burgess meredith saying he's gonna wait you appointment it and then his wife going you can't win i'm like goddamn i need

8:57Dana Carvey:better crew they cut the scene where he kind of confesses to his his girlfriend and the coach he goes hey my strategy is to take about 55 punches to my face right and i'll be so beat up he'll get tired he'll get punched out because no one ever got hit in their face more than rocky and rocky

9:15David Spade:won yeah and he's like they cut out the part where she goes am i talking to the turtle am i talking to butkus because well that's where i got the idea for the turtle

9:27Dana Carvey:guy and i'm asking hell yeah ah because of butkus

9:32David Spade:okay here's a quick story i was on the road san antonio great crowd bat in the theater so i'm backstage with bobby and patrick and uh the fucking i go i'm about to go on i go is that a bird in here they go i think there's a bird in here

9:49Dana Carvey:it lands it's a full bat oh really oh yeah yeah so i says to the people i says to him i says to

9:58David Spade:my says i first of all i go it's gonna fly out during the show and i gotta talk i don't want to say anything i don't want to take anything away from my precious act but i get out there and within seconds bat follows me heather and comes swooping on the crowd and i said guys is that a bat and they all go yes they all yell and then they laugh and i go so you know that you know about bats in here and you're not scared because i just got a rabies shot coincidentally this afternoon and uh they said yeah they didn't care at all and i go we were gonna say we should cancel the show they're like nobody cares about the bat oh we used to have them we'd have a montana what town was this in again san antonio oh yeah about dusk right as early evening just a thousand

10:44Dana Carvey:Some bats will go and circle around the lake.

10:47David Spade:Oh, they do that in Austin, too, I've heard. Yeah. There's a cave, but I don't love them.

10:51Dana Carvey:Bats are not cute. If you see them up close, hanging upside down. I'm doing it. Okay, here's another.

10:58David Spade:That's a good noise, actually. I don't even know what bats sound like. I've never heard them make too much noise. They do make noise. They're just kind of gross looking. They're rats with wings, so two things in a line.

11:13David Spade:Oh, so I'm going through TSA. I ate at the Whataburger I think in Dallas on the way to God, Whataburger really nails it If you're white trash, it's fucking

11:24Dana Carvey:Oh, is that a nationwide chain?

11:27David Spade:I think it's mostly Arizona, Texas You know what?

11:30Dana Carvey:I think I had one I was driving to Phoenix for some gig and I think I had one outskirts and it was incredible I'll co-sign it It's not a sponsor We're just saying this It'll be a sponsor next week

11:43David Spade:I remember when I was with you and you picked your nose and you go, what a booger.

11:48Dana Carvey:I remember when you saw me pick my nose and said, aren't you going to share?

11:52David Spade:I'll say, I learned how to share in school. Give me some of that bug. One time you said, I think I'm hot shit on a silver platter. And I said, no, you're cold boogers on a paper plate.

12:07Dana Carvey:Do you rehearse this stuff with Heather?

12:10David Spade:Heather goes, fourth grade. That's what I used to write for. I'd say second grade.

12:15Dana Carvey:She's being generous.

12:16David Spade:Yeah, that is generous. Here's my line in Dallas. I say, I see a lot of hot girls out there from Big D. And then they applaud and I go, and a couple rough ones from Mesquite.

12:29Dana Carvey:Well, anything this is funny. You probably got a big laugh.

12:33David Spade:It sounds mean, but it was -

12:34Dana Carvey:You probably got a big, big laugh.

12:36David Spade:Okay, here's the last thing I'll say about the tour. I go to TSA and we hire a greeter because I've never been to this airport. And they kind of whisk you through. There was no whisking. It was everything took longer. And then we get to the TSA line. I go, this is pretty long. She goes, I don't know. Isn't it supposed to be shorter? She literally knows not one thing. And then we get up to the buckets and she goes, do I got to take off my shoes? I'm like, we hired you for information. I said, I don't think so. I was nice. I go, it's TSA. So we get up there and they always pull one of my bags out and they rifle through.

13:11David Spade:And you have to wait. honestly it was probably 15 minutes where like

13:16Dana Carvey:and do they find it what you're trying to smuggle

13:19David Spade:I go I know what it is it's always like some food thing I bring that looks like but they told us how to do it by the way can we just get rid of TSA it's fine we're fine now the rigmarole we go through to just listen if a few planes fall out no I'm kidding people voted they said what are the chances anyway i get there and she goes this yours just like i used to talk about my act full knife heather full knife and i'm like holy shit you

13:57Dana Carvey:can't put what you had a knife it wasn't that big yeah but it wasn't a butter knife you tried to get through security with a knife with a lethal weapon i think it's that one we cut boxes with

14:06David Spade:Oh, okay. Not your little carrot one, but like a big... No, like a real... Yeah. And I said,

14:16Dana Carvey:Yeah, yeah, just, you know, it's for my toenails. It's necessary. My nail is... Just in case my arm gets stuck in a rock. No, no, you... To saw it off. Perfectly, you can frizz with the best of them. I mean, you know, I think the x-ray, you know, I noticed that I was slightly wrecked and maybe the excitement... excitement set off the alarm, you know. Did it go off because I'm slouching? Let me know if my posture is off. No, I, you know, I like being frisked in the morning, you know, especially underneath, you know, with onlookers taking notes. It's a wonderful part of my existence. I'm sorry, I just saw any hole.

14:57Dana Carvey:What are you talking about? You're a beautiful, intelligent woman. No, you're a beautiful, intelligent woman. I just saw Hannah, Hannah? Hannah and her sister. just re-watched it yeah so he's by the way anyway they let me go of course they go we're gonna keep

15:12David Spade:the knife please so i didn't have to go to the clink they were just laughing about it it's so

15:18Dana Carvey:funny they're just like yeah you're fine um i'm frisk and this is no joke i'm not kidding around here every single time i don't know what sets off and i get frisked and i'm like this and then if people recognize me they're like dude what's going on man because usually the tsa guy is like 22 i say ever seen wayne's world don't talk when i frisk

15:47Dana Carvey:tooth by the way to that i have a couple things just comments on i thought it was interesting in the Epstein files, unless you have more of your story.

15:56David Spade:On turn to page 2 ,800 ,000.

15:59Dana Carvey:Well, there's things that came out. So I give him credit. Bill Gates said that he did have an affair with two different Russian women. One was a physicist and one was a bridge player, but nothing with Epstein Island or underage. So that kind of, you know.

16:16David Spade:so because of this pressure mounting of like he's always he's his like yeah uh bff right yeah buddy system yeah he's like well okay but then when you start to see cracks like that you get a little nervous because he's like okay a couple well i just i just can't imagine because bill you know

16:38Dana Carvey:he's he's microsoft so he's obviously an incredibly smart guy and he has these russian women and he's worth a hundred billion you know so he's playing bridge and then she's like hey mr. Bill Gates I like the way your style is on the bridge table you would you like to go upstairs and make lovey lovey time after we finish the bridge game he says I don't know I just have one question what's that are you poor right

17:08David Spade:you know wig I like they go I like the way you dress you work at Best Buy yeah

17:14Dana Carvey:You have nerdy glasses, nerdy clothes, and nerdy demeanor, but you got$100 billion, so to me you're super handsome. And Bill's like, well, okay, I'm kind of shy most of the time, but all right if you want to.

17:29David Spade:I like those double pleated khakis.

17:32Dana Carvey:I think I did Garth as Bill Gates. Yeah. I feel funny when I... The other one... Go ahead. Go ahead. No, the other one that I thought was really big was Deepak Chopra. Oh, yeah. The guru really had some pretty intense email exchanges with Jeffrey.

17:54David Spade:When you hit a thousand emails, there's some smoke.

17:58Dana Carvey:Yeah, some smoke there. So I thought it, because I don't see Deepak Chopra that way. Normally, it's like you talk like this and with consciousness. He has to say that every five seconds. Consciousness. and of course the spirit of time. And I thought, what if he got Tourette's and then the real guy would come out? You know, it'd be like, the consciousness of life and what beauty of love and spank me with a spoon, you bitch. But anyway. Consciousness. Pussy. Exactly. And I think that we can reach consciousness. This time I wear the golden panties. But anyway, you can jump in.

18:43David Spade:I'm trying. Consciousness. You, what's pegging?

18:49Dana Carvey:I am, and life is love in the planets and universe and God and consciousness. My name is Deep Doggy Doodoo. Anyway, I got a laugh out of you. Deep Throat Joppa. So anyway, you can't write it. You can't think it. Nothing against Deepak. I don't know what he did, but it's a funny thing as it unfolds.

19:11David Spade:We're comedians. There was a Tourette situation, the BAFTAs, but it's probably too much to get into. Oh, we can't say it. It was an unfortunate situation.

19:22Dana Carvey:Well, this Tourette's person kept saying the N-word, and I think it was some kind of award show, or I don't know. I think it was the BAFTAs. The BAFTAs. And he offended some people. I guess if you have Tourette's, it comes out. You can't help it, right? It's just you don't even know.

19:41David Spade:I don't know. I mean, that's what I've heard. They had the girl, Bailey, Heather's favorite. She came out and spoke upon it. Involuntary, when they suppress it, it hurts physically. It's hard. It's a hard thing.

19:54Dana Carvey:I mean, yeah. The only thing weird is that he had a whole Ku Klux Klan outfit on with the hood and everything.

20:00David Spade:He said that's part of Tourette's.

20:02Dana Carvey:Part of Tourette's, he just dresses in that. and he burned it.

20:07David Spade:No, it's just, he must be horrified because he can't even over-explain it away. Everyone's just like, ah. It just was a rough one.

20:16Dana Carvey:But you can't, I mean, it's just, it's, how did that happen? What were the steps that took place that this gentleman would be on the stage yelling that word? I mean, did they have any ideas?

20:28David Spade:No, the guy was in the audience, but I will say that I heard the name. Oh, he's in the audience, okay. Yeah, he just yelled at, but in his defense of course i'll get this wrong but he was saying i've done three documentaries with you know bbc so they know kind of how i am and i'm sitting 40 rows back but they put a

20:51Dana Carvey:microphone near me well okay and he said why would you put a microphone near a guy that does

20:56David Spade:that has outbursts so he's starting to he's not he's sort of spreading the blame around he's like

21:05Dana Carvey:listen i shouldn't be near my well and also he was to reading for quite a while you know yeah he was like i hate dutch people you know there were a lot of stuff that was you know be pants i don't like swedish people yeah i don't even know you know things just come out very fast and uh but yeah i don't know my favorite line of the last 10 minutes was deepak saying my name is deep

21:32David Spade:doggy doo doo it makes no sense i just ran right over it no you laugh you have to listen back and

21:39Dana Carvey:we laugh you laughed hard at no it's good you can get a comedian to laugh because usually when we're bantering what happens in a comedian's brain is it's like ping pong is like oh that was funny and then your brain goes to how do I join in on the party?

21:53David Spade:Yeah, while you're talking, I go, I have to say something stupid now. But I do like it. It makes me laugh when I listen to it or I see a clip and I'm like, that's funny. We both say stupid shit.

22:01Dana Carvey:I just want to, you know, the politics are a really hot oven these days. But a few days ago, Trump did his State of the Union and he went for two hours. Now, we do public, we do our sets. 70 maybe? I do an hour on burnout.

22:16David Spade:Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do 70, 80, yeah.

22:19Dana Carvey:By myself, yeah, I won't. I play the guitar and then it just fills 20 minutes. But even Trump by the end got a little slower and he got softer. Because in the beginning, we're going to do things in the country. And our economy has never been better. And then two hours later, many people are saying.

22:38David Spade:He loses a little bit of the bubble.

22:40Dana Carvey:You look at it and you believe it. And if you believe it, you understand it. And we're going very, very well.

22:45David Spade:He's slowly almost asleep. He's almost asleep. I'm like, they gave him the light. I'd be giving him the light going, all right, wrap it up. It's just, how much can you say?

22:53Dana Carvey:I mean, is he 80 or 79? I mean, he's up there. His ankles are swollen and it's two hours in. He already did two speeches. He flew in right before it started. I mean, should we all just eat filet-o-fish for breakfast or something?

23:06David Spade:I mean, I know. What is the key to just bloviating is a great word.

23:11Dana Carvey:We're going to do a lot of things. And if you look at it, you see it. And believe me, it's going to be great.

23:16David Spade:and we're going to do it a minute times i have to say he could say one sentence with what he wants to say but he really builds it up and dances around it and fattens it up and you're like

23:26Dana Carvey:go go go never that's just the way he is he's always kind of sideways too

23:31David Spade:i think as he's looking at that prompter they have glass prompters right yeah and he has that you

23:36Dana Carvey:can't see yeah but he likes to take a phrase genius go to center and mix and repeat it like three or four times you know the state of the union the state of the union the state of the union if you look at the state of the unit is good it's good it's good it's good you know and and it's a it's just a an eccentric way of speaking chris rock used to do that and i would make fun of him

23:58David Spade:i say your act is only 30 minutes but you put out an hour special because you go obama then everyone laughs and he goes barack obama and they laugh and he goes president barack oh and then they were

24:12Dana Carvey:waiting for the funny part that's all he says there's no yeah he sets it up and then he does this joke but i go you just repeat everything i know well i'm friends with barack obama he says chris rock is his favorite comedian michelle and i laughed so hard when he says barack obama over and over again when there's no punch line just my name we laugh all the time it's funny right michelle

24:33David Spade:it's better than Barry what's his other name

24:36Dana Carvey:oh Barry is a nickname Sorrento

24:41David Spade:Barry Sorrento isn't that his real name I don't think so

24:44Dana Carvey:I don't think so

24:47David Spade:okay also on race let me just say at any of these award shows I saw a clip the other day saying and this this gentleman won and he's the first black director to win for this document I wish they would quit saying that because I think everyone, we can't all be equal to just stop separating like that. Oh, the first in 30 years to have a black actor win this. But if you just say we're all actors, we're all, I think, now this is my point of view, that it just makes it more even and not, we're all just the same. We're all acting.

25:21Dana Carvey:When I won my Emmy, whoops, do that.

25:25David Spade:Oh, boy.

25:26Dana Carvey:Flashback. They said they announced it. and this is the 198th straight white male that has won this award and i was like first pipsqueak i don't want to i just but can i be a person do i have to know because when i was even doing

25:40David Spade:just shoot me they go you have a female director this week i go that's fine just is it a director yeah okay we got it like you don't even have to say that female director it feels like a little not condescending but a little diminishing that's a good word it's a little five percent instead of going we don't have a regular director you know what i mean so i was a that's funny i don't remember

26:05Dana Carvey:hearing that that is a funny thing to say we have a female director um what color eyes got blue eyes uh and then you're back in okay yeah and has long hair short hair long hair judge yeah okay and then as the director we got Clint Eastwood that's it

26:25David Spade:oh I did get thrown around my car when we were driving on the road in more boring news we should have a big call around how do you get thrown around well they were driving like a new escalator something and I was sitting on the way back and I was not strapped in and they touched the brakes but the newer cars have you ever seen automatic kind of locking brakes

26:49Dana Carvey:yeah i was like this you're not used to them i went up to the dash all the way to the dash you went over the front seats and right well they were separate separate so i'm in the middle and i

26:58David Spade:kind of went but three different times they were hitting hard and i'm holding on the back seat i'm like you can't just go a normal speed or do something i always strap in if i can because i

27:10Dana Carvey:I go, it's not. Yeehaw. Whoop. She-Q.

27:16Dana Carvey:I'm trying to do you. You do the seatbelt with sound effects.

27:21David Spade:No, the seatbelt. I don't have any good ones. I like when you go a little tighter. You always do it, and then you go like that. Well, I have airplane shtick,

27:30Dana Carvey:and it's never not made the flight attendants laugh. Right as we're starting to go, you can do this. Loosen it. Loosen up your seatbelt. If you're in the front row, which I was, loosen your seat belt to like four feet long and then right as you start taking off you just go like this like as if you're a rodeo you wrap it yeah and they go they go crazy yeah she was doing

27:51David Spade:her her seat belt shtick right next to me and she's looking at me and i'm like this i mean it was comedic or just no she's doing her real one i'm paying attention i go i'm looking because no one's looking not one person is listening and she goes this is the horrible doing it right in front of you i'm like well you're not doing bits i don't know there's a scene in tommy boy where

28:13Dana Carvey:chris does a whole bit about about that doing this yeah he puts on the oh that's right yeah puffs up i had a really nice flight attendant when sometimes they break the rules because i said i'm kind of a nervous flyer so she goes oh okay so we're taking off we're up like maybe 20 seconds in the air steep climb out and i know she kind of sneaks around and just hands me a beer

28:36David Spade:she gets out of her seat oh i like that you know what this one's kind of rebel i like that because they like you i said to this one she came back later and it was just quick hop from i like that term quick hop from dallas to san antonio for the next show and she goes hey can i get you anything and i go oh she goes we don't have service so what do you want i go maybe just a little thing of water she comes back and casually drops it like it's a you know like a pass off right and it's a big bottle of water like this oh yeah and then i'm like this nice and then everyone else is looking at me and i'm like this and they're like waiting for water they want that little dixie cup meanwhile i'm like this i'm waterlogged i can't finish this thing i have too much water i was on

29:22Dana Carvey:an overseas flight and they they i just got one of those like 45 ounces yeah and i just chugged it because i go okay i'm at altitude i've had a few adult beverages because of my nervousness I'm going to be hydrated, and then you have to go to the bathroom the rest of the flight. All right.

29:40David Spade:Let's get to some hot takes.

29:42Dana Carvey:Hot takes.

29:43David Spade:Okay. Hot news. I wish we had beep, beep, beep, beep. Boring stories.

29:48Dana Carvey:Not this one.

29:50David Spade:What? Boring stories? I tried to do that.

29:52Dana Carvey:Oh, you know.

29:53David Spade:This is a really boring story. Love is Blind Star sparks outrage for dumping his fiancee because I saw this clip. I don't even know this show at all. but he prefers women he's delicately trying to say she's out of shape right it's so horrible because a if we have a picture if you can look her up she's really pretty b i think she's a doctor and so he could do a lot worse is an understatement and she's going what's going on he's like i just well i work out a lot and she's like uh-huh and he's like i just kind of like a girl that might want to cruise by the gym yeah and he finally after he dances around he goes looking for more of a pilates by a girl that rocks out pilates like twice and it was just not going well everyone's cringing going do not finish this and she's like uh-huh no keep going and he was just hanging himself and then he finally goes you get it right and she's like yeah take it easy and i was like oh i don't even want to see the comments everyone's gonna be like you have a beautiful doctor and you're worried about when she, I, I've seen pictures.

31:01David Spade:She doesn't look like any sort of out of shape.

31:04Dana Carvey:Well, what I would, her best comeback was that, look, okay. I appreciate it, man, but I think you're looking for a dude.

31:13David Spade:You might need a gym.

31:14Dana Carvey:Can't women be soft and curvy. I mean, Arnold, that was his thing. If a woman has better abs than me, I kick it out of the bed.

31:22David Spade:Yeah. I need to date. You should maybe date the situation.

31:27Dana Carvey:Yeah. Remember him? Yeah, of course. Do you remember the guy who was also on that show called The Predicament? I remember the conundrum. Okay. I'll see your conundrum and raise you.

31:40David Spade:I like predicament.

31:41Dana Carvey:No, I did that as a joke on a talk show. Because The Predicament is kind of foreboding. It's a little bit like, what are we going to do with this guy?

31:48David Spade:We're in a bit of a predicament. Yeah.

31:50Dana Carvey:But most men are not worried about a muscly woman.

31:55David Spade:No, it's a young guy. He doesn't really. And he's just talking. Yeah, he steps in shit. Because when you say that, and she's just leaning there going, like, ladies, listen to this bullshit. And he's like, he should have said, just listen, you're great and you're hot. And why don't you get me some free coding cough syrup?

32:15Dana Carvey:Use your connection.

32:17David Spade:Oh, Greg, she's got it if you want to put it up.

32:20Dana Carvey:Yeah, I'll give you a prescription.

32:22David Spade:I like Heather goes, he looks like a doofus. And she's gorgeous, yeah.

32:26Dana Carvey:Hey, honey, write me a prescription for love.

32:30David Spade:Yeah, leave your prescription pad out. I want to write you love notes every day. She's like, I didn't see love notes, but I do see that you have 100 extra Vicodins. He's like, oh, well, one prescription for me and then one love note. All right. Okay, this is the guy. See, she's pretty already.

32:51Dana Carvey:Yeah.

32:53David Spade:She looks like Demi Laval. and he's like so anyway i'm on the ab cruncher and i'd like to see you on the gravitron i mean maybe i'm should i keep talking she's like yeah keep talking there's so many people

33:10Dana Carvey:on the gym now i mean it must be a good business i don't know it seems like they're packed with people trying to be strong i like a girl that knows her way around a kettlebell that's what was saying uh yeah i have no comeback i'm speechless all right next story that's good that was a dumb one but it's fine they're all dumb no it was great it's fantastic

33:33David Spade:i know a lot of people on raya and tinder but this is one that just pops up my feed called it's prison connections okay my name is amy jackson i'm currently incarcerated at

33:46Dana Carvey:Pocatello Women's Correctional Center in Idaho. My IDOC is 129009, and you can reach me on the Getting Out app. I'm tall, articulate, tattooed, and a total baddie. I'm also into some pretty freaky shit, so if you have a taste for the taboo,

34:00David Spade:hit me on Getting Out. Taste for the taboo? Oh, she's into some weird shit.

34:03Dana Carvey:Well, yeah, freaky shit. No, no. We get that. We get that.

34:06David Spade:Later, losers.

34:07Dana Carvey:You had me at a low. You had me at I'm a baddie,

34:11David Spade:and I'm like, no shit, you're a baddie. You're doing seven years or something.

34:14Dana Carvey:What a dandy.

34:16David Spade:She's a real dandy. I mean, you know, someone might want to court her. Right?

34:24Dana Carvey:Yeah. I mean, if you're into sort of, you know, the monsters, vampire-y kind of, you know. Yeah. She's a little decorated. A little bit scary kind of thing. Yeah. Because where does it go? Where does the kink go?

34:41David Spade:Well, first of all, to date them, I don't know how. I didn't scribble down all that info, but they're in jail. I guess the first order of business, if you have some sort of love connection, what are you in for? If it's, you know, it could be something harmless. So if you can live with that, it's not that bad. Well, now I will court you, visit you, write your letters until you get out, and then you can come stab me.

35:08Dana Carvey:Okay. I have a question for this kind of stuff for you, Heather and Greg. Why is it that women seem to love murderers on Murder's Row? They fall in love with the murderer on Murder's Row. I mean, they like bad guys that are trouble.

35:29David Spade:Yeah. They know where they are at all times. Oh, yeah. They're not out with other women. They're not out with other women. They're stuck in jail, so they're not cheating.

35:38Dana Carvey:They're killers, but they're controllable, and they're at your... You know, I brought you some Twinkies. It's, hey, thank you, baby.

35:45David Spade:But the problem is once they get out, now they're free, so they borrow your car and they stay at your house, but then you don't know what they're doing. That's where they start to have some hiccups.

35:56Dana Carvey:Do they ever get suspicious where they come in with the police report? Like, I love you, Danny, but it says here there's a photo of you stabbing this guy. Oh, that's all. That's Photoshop.

36:05David Spade:I know. Are they still talking about that? I mean, it's one day. It's crazy. You throw out my best day and my worst day.

36:13Dana Carvey:I hate killing people. Look at me. Come on.

36:17David Spade:But a jury. If I got that girl in prison, I'd be like, are you taking Pilates in there? Because I'm looking for a Pilates fit. From the last story.

36:31Dana Carvey:I understood. I was just trying to come back like ping pong. I was just thinking of Mike Tyson, his six years in prison. And he was just saying, he said, I had a great time in prison. I had the best time in prison. I ate like a king, you know. These motherfuckers. All the T-bone steaks would come in for me. I'd have a glass of red wine and everything. I mean, he had it so wired, and he was so beloved.

36:52David Spade:Oh, they love him, I'm sure.

36:54Dana Carvey:Yeah.

36:55David Spade:The guards are like, Mike, what can I get you?

36:57Dana Carvey:Hey, Mike, what do you want tonight? A T-bone? Yeah, and he had like a ribeye steak, you know. And could I get a VHS TV thing in here? I want to watch. I want to watch. Bank of Man. No, I was going to go for Dickie Robbins, you know. I was going to go for one of your movies.

37:14David Spade:Oh, good. Yeah, we can get you that. Okay, champ. Let's see if we can get you a laser disc or something.

37:19Dana Carvey:But I just did cross my mind just to make people very, very happy is that we do our, because we're playing a few dates. So we're coming on. Yeah. And then we come out at the end and you do, because you can get into Joe Dirt like that. And I can get into Garth like that. So we just come out as Joe Dirt and Garth and take questions.

37:40David Spade:Take questions as them.

37:42Dana Carvey:Yeah, make the crowd happy.

37:44David Spade:I have no ad lib skills. I've never written cue cards.

37:50Dana Carvey:Well, but you used cue cards, which is just a thought. It's a possibility. We just did a gig together. I know. You crushed, as usual. It was great. You were so funny. Oh, my gosh. When you want your spring break to feel like and your kids' pool day to feel like and your hotel bed to feel like and room service to feel like because at Hilton, hospitality feels like

38:27David Spade:Your cabana's ready. Would you like fresh towels?

38:29Dana Carvey:It matters where you stay. Book now at Hilton.com. Hilton, for this day. This episode is brought to you by Nespresso. Introducing Virtuo Up, the latest in a long line of innovation from Nespresso. It's innovation you can touch, sense, and taste in every single cup. With a three-second start, easy open lever, and dedicated brew over ice button, it's even easier to enjoy your coffee your way. Sip for yourself. Shop Virtuo Up exclusively at Nespresso.com. We're leaving today and entering a world of Mickey Mouse waving, princess meeting and greeting, lightsaber clashing, the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror dropping, Banshee flying, Space Mountain launching, galaxy rewinding, what's the whole network galaxy rewinding, fireworks igniting, World of Other Worlds, for whatever you love.

39:30David Spade:Infinite worlds await at the most magical place on Earth. Walt Disney World Resort. All right, next one. Let's see. Let's see. Now we're cooking with gas. We are on fire. All right. Influencer faces$1 million lawsuit. Oh, I heard about this story. Okay, what is this? Oh, she is giving tips on being in a hotel room. And if you don't have a washer and dryer, you can wash your underpants in the coffee machine. Heather, you've heard this.

40:05Dana Carvey:Talk Raider is facing a lawsuit. In the coffee machine? Oh, she's facing a lawsuit now. Tara Woodcox, who describes herself as a health and nutrition blogger, shared a video showing people how to wash underwear using a hotel coffee maker while traveling. In the video, Tara explains that if you run out of clean underwear, you can place it inside the coffee filter compartment, close the lid, and press the brew button. The machine then sprays hot water over the fabric. She suggests drying the underwear with a bathroom hairdryer before wearing it again. Swing it around your head. The video quickly went viral.

40:35Dana Carvey:Many viewers said this is exactly why they avoid using hotel coffee machines. Days later, several guests realized they had stayed at the same hotel as Tara and had already used the in-room coffee makers. And now who makes coffee? Who's the next person making coffee? To calm the situation, the hotel reportedly offered refunds to recent guests and replaced all coffee machines on the property. The hotel has now filed a lawsuit against Tara Woodcox,

40:58David Spade:seeking about$1 million in damages for financial loss and reputational harm.

41:05Dana Carvey:The story has sparked debate online about responsibility and hygiene while traveling. No, they should, but people are figuring it out. Would you still use a hotel coffee machine?

41:13David Spade:Yeah, that's...

41:15Dana Carvey:Huh. Well, I'm so glad she went viral. No, when I was a while back, was in Europe with my wife. And it's pretty easy to use the basin of the sink. And you have, you just, there's very hot water there. And you put a little package of soap and then you rinse it. And then you hang the underwear or t-shirt or socks over a thing. And it dries overnight or maybe a little hair dryer. And then you rinse out the freaking basin. You're not in there seeing all this stuff coming out of the armpits and out of the crotch area. All you see is clear, fresh water when you rinse out and run the water on the fucking basin.

42:05David Spade:Oh, boy. I got a lot out on that one. Throw the underpants away. You did, yeah. I let you go.

42:12Dana Carvey:I wanted to kind of get some...

42:15David Spade:So people are sickened by this.

42:19Dana Carvey:um people with small lives can get just crazy about stuff you know you got to have a kind of a lo-fi existence like you just you go to the supermarket and you're feeling the avocados fucking avocados man they're all gushy fucking thousand avocados god damn it that's me mad all

42:36David Spade:time uh okay we'll go to the next one underpants in the coffee machine we all agree is possibly gross.

42:43Dana Carvey:It went viral and then our clip will go viral.

42:46David Spade:This is sad. I'm sure Heather knows about this story. Punch the baby monkey. His name is Punch. Okay. I think he's in China. I'm not going to show it, but he's been bullied. Has he been bullied or not? Punch, the six-month-old Japanese monkey was abandoned by his mother. Oh, I thought you were going to correct it. Oh, he's abandoned a mother. Caring for him day and night. No, he's sad. We shouldn't even show it. And his surrogate mom, a plushy orangutan that is now his safe place. He hangs out with his little stuffed dog. So cute. Punch's story went viral with many both on and offline cheering him on.

43:27David Spade:Now he is slowly joining the truth. Does he think it's real? No, he gets sad and scared, so he hugs his little squishy doll.

43:34Dana Carvey:But he knows it's a fake. But he knows it's enough. It looks enough like an animal, but he knows it's fake.

43:39David Spade:It's his only friend, Dana.

43:40Dana Carvey:Maybe he thinks it's actually real. What is the IQ of a little monkey?

43:45David Spade:What if he thinks it's like Weekend at Bernie's and he's just dragging around? He thinks it's real.

43:49Dana Carvey:What if he thinks, and I don't think this would happen, that he thinks it's David Spade? What if he thinks... That's all we do.

43:58David Spade:What if he thinks it's a Garth doll because his eyes are bad?

44:04Dana Carvey:What if he... I don't know. What else can he... No, but everyone's bullying him. i love it i mean look i mean you sleep with a special pillow and you you do suck your thumb

44:15David Spade:at night i mean everyone needs comfort that's true i i think the world feels bad for him people online are like i will fly over to fucking china and i will save this guy i'll beat this shit out of every one of those other monkeys people get really worried you know they get worked up because animals mean a lot well it's like you're around a one and a half year old and no one can

44:36Dana Carvey:take their eyes off the toddler. You're just staring at the innocence and the lack of awareness. So the little monkey doesn't know how ridiculous he looks. If you could speak monkey sound, you'd tell him it looks stupid. And the little monkey would be like...

44:51David Spade:Yeah, he has no friends.

44:53Dana Carvey:You look dumb!

44:58David Spade:That's what they chat about there?

45:00Dana Carvey:Well, I'm in Germany. Don't be stupid and drag around that stuffed animal. What? No, it's not real.

45:09David Spade:You'll be happy to know that that stupid animal sold out immediately online. Immediately.

45:15Dana Carvey:And is opening for us in October,

45:20David Spade:our next big casino. Do we have a gig next year? No, we have one in the summer.

45:25Dana Carvey:Yeah, we have one that's up around the same area we just played, but further north. Okay. Yeah.

45:30David Spade:Those are fun gigs. And Lincoln.

45:32Dana Carvey:We had a great time in Lincoln. Great crowd. California, Thunder Valley. Thunder Valley. Incredible audience. Okay, next one. I got to wake up. Yeah, I know. It's just this late afternoon. It's really normally my nap time. Okay, here we go.

45:50David Spade:What is this? Oh, underground noises. Let's see what these are. A farmer in Kentucky decides to dig a huge hole on its property after hearing this loud construction noise coming from deep underneath his farm. His farm is in the middle of nowhere. All right, guys. Well, interesting. We've got a six-foot hole dug here, and we've hit rock, but listen to this.

46:16Dana Carvey:Okay, I'm listening. Ah. Someone trying to get out?

46:23David Spade:Terrifying. I don't know.

46:28Dana Carvey:no is he hitting rock or is he hitting concrete is this some type of underground construction or is some mob guy that was hit by the aliens live under there yeah or it's just a funny sound effect the guy's making it's me and they go i'm going this that's called doing a pant and dog

46:52David Spade:this video was taken from another section of his property

46:59Dana Carvey:so it just sounds what's that noise this sound has been going on for months now that would with no answers freak me out it almost feels like there's some kind of construction going on underneath his farm too easy to fake though right i don't know i mean to dig at he dug six feet the farmer says he can feel the ground fiber oh see there's definitely something going on underneath.

47:24David Spade:I don't like this voiceover. It's like an AI voiceover. It's kind of scary. At least it doesn't have that scary music. There's something being built underneath his farm. There's probably a real one.

47:37Dana Carvey:What they don't put in here is the guy put his house up for sale for$89. And he finally got a buyer. Who wants to buy a property?

47:49David Spade:Yeah, I wouldn't tell him that's scary. do you ever disclose if you have aliens underneath your house in a secret tunnel

47:58Dana Carvey:we probably talked about this have you heard a noise at night that scared you in your house of course and what did it sound like I'm the biggest puss yeah

48:07David Spade:I have a locked door

48:09Dana Carvey:what did it sound like Spade what's up guys I go

48:19David Spade:nothing I'm going to bed If I keep hearing this I'm coming out No I have I'll go out there I'll start some fucking shit

48:28Dana Carvey:I got the same thing What do you got? You don't need spade

48:35Dana Carvey:That's what they say? I made it up Who is it? Gervitz? I actually talked to our mutual manager And he loves our impression of him

48:47David Spade:No way

48:48Dana Carvey:He said I love it yeah it's a nice little hop yeah it's open you sure your heart will

48:55David Spade:fall out you like money money who's funny and you yeah I go I guess Danny just told him the same thing he's got Zack he's got so many funny

49:10Dana Carvey:I you know it's quite a little cavalcade cavalcade of comedians yeah uh oh another one oh where's that one about who's domi is that one okay mom domi blasted for requiring five forms of id to shovel five what the right well dsa opposes uh voter id yeah yeah i trump brought that up

49:37David Spade:is that true i mean he's he says if you want to shovel snow as a regular citizen because it's not going fast enough come down and we will you guys bring a shovel or we'll get you they will you'll

49:52Dana Carvey:they'll pay like 29 bucks an hour but you need not a four five forms of id i thought it was two

49:58David Spade:but yeah well just if it's even one you know i think people are saying if you if you don't need one to vote why would you need one to shovel snow these are the stresses of being a mayor i don't

50:12Dana Carvey:know why you'd have to identify who you are as an american citizen to vote that sounds a little

50:17David Spade:weird i mean yeah i don't break my personal space i saw a three-year-old purchasing a quart of vodka

50:24Dana Carvey:and i said aren't you going to id him the guy was like i don't know man i mean you know does he really need an id comes in every day he's my semi friend and the three-year-old's like thanks mister

50:36David Spade:You know I got carded at Chili's my last trip. You did? Card dead. I didn't tell you, Heather. Carded. Because I ordered Tito's with my Diet Coke on the side. And they were like, can we get some ID? And I go, well, I don't know if I have it. And they go, sorry, we just got to give everybody their ID. And I go, okay, can I just have. and then I go Bobby why don't you get some Tito's and he goes okay and he showed his ID and then I just the guy just put it down with me he goes sorry we just got a good idea I go I get it and how old I look

51:18Dana Carvey:I know they say oh we have to do this but there was a guy I swore he was probably 88 or something they were carding he was like that was me Tale of the Crips, you know, like... You honestly, but they kind of have to. But that three-year-old, I don't know, maybe it was, you know, maybe I misread that, but he did.

51:39David Spade:Who did the voice of the Crip Keeper?

51:42Dana Carvey:Bob Goldthwait?

51:43David Spade:Comedian, close. John Kassir. Okay, and what did it sound like? You remember John Kassir, comedian? He was on Star Trek? Sure.

51:51Dana Carvey:What did he sound like as the Crip Keeper? Welcome to the Crip Keeper.

51:57David Spade:Let me tell you something. If any comedians ask other comedians about comedians, they always know the other guy. It's so funny. It's true. Everybody's worked with everyone somewhere along the line. You're like, oh, yeah, we did Rooster Teeth Feathers.

52:17Dana Carvey:It's still kind of a small group of people that are stupid enough to pursue a career in stand-up comedy with all the pain, and all the, especially the first three years. If you get past three years, maybe you can settle in. But, yeah, some of those early bombs, whoo-wee.

52:33David Spade:They just start hearing, like, Nate, everyone makes so much money, Shane, and you just go, A, that's lightning in a bottle, and B, you have to be really good. And also it's taken them forever to get there.

52:47Dana Carvey:Yeah, I mean, if someone wants to be a Nate or a Shane or a spade, then they've got to put in... You've got to grind. You've got to do your 10 ,000 hours of just all those clubs and everything. But, yeah. Yeah.

53:06David Spade:Well, we'll add on that... That up-feet note. Yeah.

53:14David Spade:I don't have my sound effects. Remember, I used to have... I know. What happened to that? I'll get them down here.

53:20Dana Carvey:I have a new character that has a little prop

53:23David Spade:that i'll do next week oh cliffhanger cliffhanger bump bump a lot of good feedback on eddie better last week on the other pod and uh i could have gone on for another hour with him once you start

53:36Dana Carvey:getting into the uh you know classic rock bands and and the people he's played with and stuff you

53:42David Spade:know yeah he's a stud that's like remember when i was telling who the greatest rock voices were i said eddie if you're not on it don't get mad don't get mad this is my list can't get mad I know. I would have gotten a Freddie Mercury.

53:56Dana Carvey:Well, we were kind of thinking 90s in a way, weren't we?

54:00David Spade:It's hard because if you think rock or if you think there's so many different kind of voices. I wanted to get to the female rockers, but we ran out of time.

54:10Dana Carvey:We kind of forgot a few people, so we want to clear that up. Freddie Mercury has had quite the pipes. What a tremendous talent that was. And of course, Carly Simon could sing her pants off.

54:24David Spade:You know, did you remember Live Aid and how big, you know, they talked about Queen at Live Aid? I just saw on Instagram that who went after Queen? Who would have to follow Queen? And they said people wanted to move their spot. And David Bowie said, I'll go. Yeah. And did great. well the thing about

54:47Dana Carvey:Queen which is just for a few seconds here is the range of what they did even though it has its own sensibility that's a Queen song we are the champions just that song not that it's ubiquitous but the way it started the chorus of we is so brilliant and of course my Bohemian Rhapsody whoops Oh boy How do we get to this Sorry Oh my god that's right

55:17David Spade:Wayne's world Oh my god How did I forget Whoops

55:19Dana Carvey:Sorry I apologize Oh mamma mia

55:23David Spade:Mamma mia La migo

55:26Dana Carvey:I still hurt You would have not liked that scene Oh Penelope was your director

55:30David Spade:10 hours

55:31Dana Carvey:We did it in black sheep Oh you did it right And no

55:34David Spade:And I wasn't doing it hard enough Because I got a bad neck And she's like Spade go harder

55:38Dana Carvey:You gotta kinda just do your whole body Oh they were telling you to go harder

55:41David Spade:Yeah, because I can't keep up with Farley. He's like, there's no bones in his neck.

55:46Dana Carvey:He's almost amorphous.

55:49David Spade:I'm like, meet me in the middle. I can't keep up with it. Anyway, it was nice meeting you. Pleasure. Same bad time next week. We'll see you next time. Yeah, thank you very much. Peace out, everybody.

56:06David Spade:Hey, guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, Be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a review, five-star rating, and maybe even share an episode that you've loved with a friend. If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung-Kaiser, and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey.

56:33Dana Carvey:Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, And the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet Tech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment. Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hillary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney, and Lauren Vieira.

56:56David Spade:Reach out with us. Any questions to be asked and answered on the show, you can email us at flyonthewall at odyssey.com. That's A-U-D-A-C-Y dot com.