The Knicks & Taylor Swift

22:45Here's Dana when Gervitz calls about a road gig.

22:51Dana Carvey:Yours are too logical. I don't even know what these buttons are going to say. Here's you taking a left turn on La Cienega. Jesus. Here's you taking a right turn. That's Heather during everything we've talked about.

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24:03You know, it's an all-in-one platform that flexes as you grow, allowing you to scan bills to pay them instantly. Set up recurring payments and see exactly where your business stands right from your dashboard. Instead of duct taping multiple tools together, you can curb spend before it happens with customer user permissions and built-in spend management. Visit Mercury.com to learn more and apply online in minutes. Mercury is a fintech company, not an FDIC-insured bank. Banking services provided through Choice Financial Group and Column N.A., members FDIC.

24:39Dana Carvey:History That Doesn't Suck is a legit, hard-hitting American history podcast told through entertaining stories. As we approach America's 250th anniversary, now might be the time to go back and learn how we got here. With more than 200 episodes, you can bend your way, decade by decade, defining event to defining event from the founding into the 20th century. Join me, Professor Greg Jackson, for History That Doesn't Suck, an Odyssey podcast. Available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, you know about firework, freeze, yeah. Oh yeah. Look, keeping your energy up, staying locked in is a must.

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25:49Dana Carvey:Yeah. Oh, yeah. This thing is a total game changer, combining juice cherry, citrusy lime, and candy-like blue raspberry to create a bold flavor explosion in every single sip. It delivers that exact iconic freezer pop flavor you crave with none of the sugar, all packed into a portable pocket-sized shot you can take anywhere. You can spark a tasty flavor sensation with these incredible shots today. Ignite your taste buds with a Firework Freeze-flavored 5-Hour Energy shot, now available online at 5hourenergy.com or Amazon.

26:32Dana Carvey:Someone told me, came up to me randomly the other day on the street And just said this, at first I didn't understand He goes, Heather needs a microphone What? Heather needs a microphone Yeah, I know, that was Heather No, people ask me what Why do we keep her? Why? Yeah It's sort of, I think it's sort of the fun mystery of the show She can always walk over here and get on But it's sort of funny to go Who's Heather? Where's Heather? And then she asks questions She laughs a lot, we can hear that She's the whole audience for the whole show How many feet Is Heather away from you? These are good questions I would say 11 11 feet And that laugh travels We can't have her any closer I know, I have to land a banger to hear her You get like a metronome.

27:30Dana Carvey:No, she laughs at literally everything you say, which is disgusting. She's not paid to laugh at me. Hey, David, what you're just saying right now? It's so loud. People go in the comments. Is it really that loud? Could it be? It can't be as louder than my voice. That's a foghorn. Okay, wait. I have to ask something else. Oh, here's what this lady said to me. at the gift shop in Arizona. Okay. That's a great setup. So I go in there and she goes, Hey, she's with another lady. And she goes, I went to school with you. And I go, Oh, cool. Cool. Where'd you go to Saguaro? She was, yeah. And she goes, the other girl, he looks young.

28:14He is not young at all. And I go, Oh, didn't know how to react. She goes, but you do look young. So she sucked me in again. She goes, but he's a lot older than you think. And I go, get fucked. How How about just ring it up enough? But then she goes, I graduated this year. When did you? And I go, oh, before that. She goes, oh, you're older than I thought. And I already thought you were old. God damn. She kept bearing herself. And I go, I'll take my things. And that's enough. Good day, sir.

28:48Dana Carvey:Yes, that's what's a bit I used to do. It was like what you suggest is nothing short of madness. Good day to you, sir I said good day I said good day Oh, dude, go ahead I had a woman come up to me and go You don't look like you did 40 years ago I go, you don't either No shit No shit, Sherlock You know, people, what they do is this We have to be on these screens and stuff So we get scrutiny You know But if people go to their bathroom mirror and put their chin up Loaded with light, just a straightforward shot Going with a turtleneck going Why is everybody getting old Look at me Drives me nuts Drives me nuts I drive in my car with a ring light Which is hard to drive In case anyone sees me But I do use that I did say to her What you suggest is nothing short of madness Good day to you madam I just saw a funny clip of Lovitz Oh you should have it Oh Lovitz was on a flight And you know how we ever And they go, can you get up and do the announcements?

29:58Can you say bye-bye to everyone? So he gets up and does stuff on Southwest. He's flabbing away. Hilarious. Yeah. So funny because that's what people want you to do. Get up and say something funny. I've done it.

30:13Dana Carvey:Not that often, but I've done it. Hello. John. Ladies and gentlemen, I am your, I am. Please, around applause for me. I'm the oldest flight attendant in history. This is my one millionth flight.

30:29Dana Carvey:John could get gigs just doing that announcement for different airlines. You know, he's on the road sometimes with dice clay. It's pretty funny. They got together and then they filmed themselves in the airports and stuff. And they're always arguing. It's funny. I like everything I'm hearing. You like what you hear? That's a perfect match. We just got through the voting situation. We have a new mayoral runoff in the snow. And a new governor. Karen Bass. And the woman's name is? Nithya Raman. Ramadan Lupapa. As they call her in the post, Nithya Topraman, as they call her in support. So she conceded on election night and I think was very emotional.

31:12Dana Carvey:And then they said. She was in third on election night. Yeah. But wait, there's more. Oh, wait. And then 17 million ballots flooded in. I don't know. I have to say they should take this voting a little more seriously here because we are the slowest and most. I'm not saying there's any tampering with the voting, but there's every opportunity to. If you were tampering, you'd want this system, you know, where you can go to doors and like, what do you want, dude? Here's a ballot. I'll come back in a couple of days, you know, and then you harvest it. whatever party you're from so they should fix it so no one has suspicions make the best there's no security at the ballot boxes that's illegal you can't like have someone there or watch are they stuffing them as anyone taking it out lighting it on fire yeah my brother went to vote up in northern california and he showed his id and they said get that fucking id out of my face they were like angry that he wanted to show i did well i don't think you're even supposed to show your ID.

32:15They show gym memberships. You can show anything. I don't even think you have to show you just say, Hey, what's up? And that's the problem. That's what some people want. So it's more fair in quotes. And some people, you know, when you're on a flight, you have to show your ID and you have to show your, you know, real ID and your license or passport. Every second you turn around, you're driving. Like, why can't it just be a driver's light? Something, a real ID.

32:40Dana Carvey:Well, whatever you would get to go on an airplane. Right. That's all. You know, I don't know. This is kind of a hot take. Some a lot of people love the current system, but I feel like it invites suspicion. And we don't want anyone to think like that. You know, when I grew up, it was like in Richard Nixon defeats Hubert Humphrey. It was like 11 o 'clock or midnight. And the presidential election was called not just the state election. another problem is they they used to if you handed it on the day of the election it would still count later if they needed it right but they don't go by postmark which was the legal way now it's you can write in when you handed it in what day so if you can do that then you could just i it's all it just should be a little more of a tighter ship that's all i'm saying i just like to meet the guy yeah i'm uh congressman steve wilkers and that's the system I put in place in California.

33:38Dana Carvey:You know, what is the, I guess the idea is more people participate. I don't know. Right. Obviously the idea is you just have to realize some people are going to play the system. Some people really need this system the way it is now. And some people clown it. Same with everything. Same with the border. Good people want to come in. Also bad people. You got to have to have some system to differentiate the two. And that's the hard part. They said Nithya didn't even win in her own district. And then after it was over, she shot up thousands and thousands. Is it weird to say right at this moment that if you ran, I would vote for you?

34:16Me?

34:17Dana Carvey:You're pretty articulate there. I could run. I wasn't on a reality show, but I could run. What is, should we have? I could run. I know nothing. Mr. We should. That's a great campaign. I know just as much as current politicians, meaning I know nothing. I'm like Colonel Schultz. They gave Pratt a lot of shit. And you go, well, I don't mind that he doesn't know because at least he's saying things that no one says you want to hear. And you go, you could be a politician for 50 years, but if nothing's going the right way, who cares about your experience? That means just you're in bed with a lot of people that you owe.

34:53And there's same with both sides of the aisle. They are, they've been in so long. It's all kind of sketchy on both sides.

35:02Dana Carvey:The best Congress money can buy. And you can get in that Congress and go to those meetings and listen in. Oh, really? So NVIDIA is getting that government deal. Go play some bet on the stock market. That's the only reason to be in Congress. Yeah, you can really get rich if you. Give me some of your stocks, Richie Rich. I got to get back in the game. You know, it's always, it's like nerve wracking. You ever heard of the phrase volatility? the word actually it's not a phrase no nothing stocks go like this these days you know and it's always you in spacex or no well spacex is going to take off like a rocket no pun intended um no i don't know what it's going to do but you do know that in in the big banks there's people who bought SpaceX essentially for a nickel per share.

35:51Dana Carvey:And now it's$135 a share. So the amount of millionaires and I guess billionaires that will be printed, unless the stock doesn't perform, but it may go way up and way down. We don't know because it has never made any money. It might be like a rocket and go like this and then go down. And it should have an escape hatch. Excuse me. I have muni bonds and they balance out my point. portfolio. Don't get me started on my favorite. I want to be a quillionaire. You've got plenty. I mean, I, you know, I just like to. Heather wants to be a trillionaire, but I want to be a quillionaire. Hey, David, everything you own owns you back.

36:34Dana Carvey:Have you ever thought of that? Every day. Have you ever thought of this? You occupy your house, but you live here. Your spirit, soul, and physicality is right here. Never, never thought of that. Didn't cross my mind. You're just going to chase shiny things until you go. Yeah, I go like this. This is a Camaro. If that's cool, that means I'm cool, right? Yeah. Cool things around me. Watch this. That means me. If I have a new shirt, that means I'm new. Yeah. I see. I get it. Look, I bought a guitar recently, a little cool, cool guitar. I got a guitar you might like. The only things I like is what I can interact with.

37:16Dana Carvey:yeah a pool a basketball hoop a you know great a television you're interactive golfing all right let's go to the hot stories let's go to the stories got a hit the four i have a 17 hour drive i'm in no i like that we always act like we're so busy for the podcast we're like we just got a buzz if you go you're not even trying oh buzzing around okay i'll just say it I haven't given this a thought at all, but at all, all because I wasn't sure, but that's what I love about buzzing around. And, um, you've got a whole, okay. I have to have Pierce Morgan, Pierce Morgan. Okay. We have, maybe we're going to do all these people at the next game.

37:59Is that healthy? Is that something you can handle?

38:00Dana Carvey:Sure. It's time for buzzing around fan favorite, uh, sponsored by five hour energies, firework, freeze, flavor, Ignite your taste buds with red, white, and blue freezer pop classic reimagined as a delicious firework freeze five-hour energy shot. Find firework freeze shots online at 5hourenergy.com or Amazon today. And today's segment, by the way, 4th of July is coming up, which is really kind of turning into a Joe Dirt holiday, to be honest. Joe Dirt is what you know your movies do. They just travel. You know, like Joe Dirt was not like a hundred million dollar movie, but it's bigger. But this is the good thing.

38:46Dana Carvey:It's bigger now than it was even then. I have to say that's Tommy Boy, Joe Dirt. So I think that's a good thing rather than they're working on doing a Joe Dirt cartoon. And we will have more on that story later. OK, so buzzing around, you're going to have Piers Morgan. Who else? Well, I'm just... You can pick anybody you want. Just to survive this. Mondami? Oh, he was there. He jinxed the other game. I mean, yeah, I usually do too many, but here. There's that guy. Okay, I got six puppets. Here we go. And they're at the Knicks game, right? Yeah. Do I hold the puppets up or I just do the voices?

39:30No, you just do one at a time. Okay. You can do whatever.

39:32Dana Carvey:All right, here we go. You take your time. Yeah. This is overwhelming. So Tucker Carlson was at the Knicks game, and he was rooting for the Knicks. And just the entire time, he was just in a state of hysterics. He was like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You know, it helps that he's laughing in the picture. Well, that's why I do it. That's funny. Do I hold up the puppets or just do the voices? I don't care. Whatever's easier. So, David, do you watch sporting events? I think that it does help that I can see them. It's funnier. Okay. I actually do. I watch a lot of the game last night.

40:14Dana Carvey:And that's what you do. You just watch men running around, throwing a basketball around. And that satisfies you. You don't need anything else in life. Just watching men play sports. Is that what you're saying? I mean, it sounds sexual the way you're saying it, but it's just for fun. You don't have much of a life, do you? Is that the way you like to live your life? Very quiet, out of the spotlight Well, not on purpose Pierce, you're being kind of mean That is condescending and mean Don't get me started, Dana Fluffy What was your movie? Wayne's World from 1983 God, he's rough He's mean Ma 'am Danny was there Ma 'am Danny

41:04Dana Carvey:Senator John Kenny was Now As far as I understood It the idea is to Win the game Your words not mine But I saw people missing Shots and throwing the ball Out of bounds getting paid Millions of dollars David's words not mine Now what is traveling Can you walk nine steps These days I guess When they call it a slam Dunk Is it really a slam dunk Your words Not mine You think that's where they got the term Something's a slam dunk Keep talking I'll have a move with you It's hard Because it feels like that was the origin story. People slamming the ball in a hoop. I can't do it. Your words. You put on Twitter.

42:03Dana Carvey:Here's the most non sequitur one of the day. Dean Martin from heaven went to the Knicks show. Oh, honey. Oh, I'm telling you. Oh, the basketball game. Oh, and they had a little bit of wine. Oh, I don't even know who won. Everybody Love somebody sometime I was singing pretty good You know what the Spurs said? Last night was a kick in the head Kick in the head Ain't that a kick in the head? Ain't that Yeah The Knicks win every time And the Spurs in the basketball players They throw the ball around You get a foul You're charging You can't charge them when you put the elbow in the face and you break the clavicle and the different bones and that's how you win the basketball game.

42:56Dana Carvey:Right, David Spade? Did you ever make a basket in your life? You know who gets fouled a lot? Wimperniana.

43:07Dana Carvey:Wimperniana. You can't defeat Wimperniana. He's eight and a half feet tall. He's Wimperniana. You know what they call him, David Spade? No. They call him the alien. He's like a predator. I fought him in predator. I saw him in the locker room and I said, what are you? That's all he said. And finally, well, many people are upset by our system. We need Reagan at the end. Many people are seeing things they don't like. Scores and things and politics as usual. People fight and argue But we have to always remember We're the United States of America Right Excuse me We're the United States of a I beg your pardon We're the United States He's farting I think so Hang on This has been buzzing around This has been buzzing around And here it is If you want to pick me up Trust me It helped me many times before Now you can see my mouth move And the illusion is ruined goodbye that was buzzing around sponsored by 5R Energy it couldn't have been anything else the iconic red, white, and blue freezer pop flavor you crave with none of the sugar spark a tasty flavor sensation with Firework Freeze 5R Energy shots available online at 5R Energy.com and Amazon today

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44:59Dana Carvey:I've been leaning on delivery through Instacart for meal prep especially, David. Like getting fresh veggies, proteins, even those perfectly ripe avocado. Oh, oh, oh. I set my preferences once and it's so seamless. It saves me a lot of time and makes sure I'm getting all the quality I want. And the convenience is huge. You know, when I'm busy or just don't feel like making a store run, I can order in the morning and have everything ready for the same day and sometimes in as fast as 30 minutes. It just fits in my schedule instead of the other way around. Instacart brings convenience, quality, and ease right to your door so you can focus on what matters most.

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46:49Dana Carvey:Rated PG.

46:54Alright, we still got some stories in. Everyone's clamoring for our stories. Our takes. Hot takes.

47:00Dana Carvey:Five minutes. Five minutes we can do stories. Then I get in the car. Rapid fire. yeah oh this is the Knicks I think it's bloody they make him take his spurs and this is it there's a million of these oh god it's unreal that's a calm one there's so many fights it used to be like hooray remember our celebration high five you shake hands with the people hey good game everybody good game let's huddle up I cannot relate You not like me team Me beat you up If you like my team Me not beat you up Seinfeld used to be like You're an adult cheering for laundry You have a jersey on I like you I was watching a game once Who's the head?

47:57Dana Carvey:The Wrath of the Yellows It is kind of fascinating How much you invest in it you know. All right. Next story. That was a good one. Miles Garrett, LA takes the next five years. No LA taxes. Oh, Miles Garrett came from the Browns. They break down what he pays. Now no one's feeling sorry for this guy, but it is a bit of a fucking, it's a bit of a nibble. It is a check. 68 million in federal tax right away. Four out of 177 million, 67 million. Okay. That seems to the Fed. That's national. Then 4.2 million to FICA, 23 million to California state. They have a really rough. 13, nine, uh, 5 million to the agent.

48:44That's it.

48:45Dana Carvey:I don't get the 5 million. That's like a 10. We made 10 would be 17 million. By the way, if you get drafted and you're playing for now, the Las Vegas Raiders, you, you don't pay that 23, five, no state tax. That's a big reason people go to the Raiders and not here. Year after year. Luckily, the Rams are great, but his net income is$78 million out of$177 million. So he lost$99 million in the process. The rich don't pay the fair share. He should not be allowed to keep$78 million. That's too much money for one human being. He should get$2 million max, and the rest goes to the people who need the money.

49:26Dana Carvey:I'm Bernie Sanders and you can go fuck yourself That was a good Bernie I know I like Bernie Because Bernie's been consistently a socialist The whole time He's not joining the party Because it's hip Why is he possibly a millionaire? He has to give it back Well like you said last week What's his name? Tom Steyer went to a trillionaire thing As part of his speech Soon we will have trillionaires But you're a billionaire Oh, I get your point. Yeah. Dennis Miller would say Tom Steyer, the guy spent 150 million, got lost, got third. I spent zero. I got fourth. Yeah, we would have both had the same outcome.

50:11Dana Carvey:I would have put down a singular rectangular greenback, a$1 bill. He puts in 200 billion and we're both in third place. OK, none of us are going to the governor's house. All right. He said he goes, Reagan went against Mondale. When I went to bed, Reagan had 280 electoral votes. Mondale had three. OK, that's the only three more than I had. I didn't run. This guy spent 200 million bucks. I almost tied him. It's a way to observe things and feel so good about yourself. You know, that guy's getting the game. They lost and I didn't wasn't in the game and I didn't lose. We're about the same kind of thing, I think.

50:52Dana Carvey:It's kind of some kind of weird sort of flying too close to the sun motif. All right. Mondale is going to show up on American Express ads. Hey, remember me? A couple of years ago, I ran for governor. I got stomped like a narc at a biker rally. With a name like that, you should start a shoe line. You should say hello to my brand new Mondales. You know, they've got sidewalls on them. Size 10 and a half, I'm assuming. Okay. I'm assuming. Brand new Mondales is kind of funny. We got to get Dennis back in because it's been too long. Yeah. Okay, next one. Then we'll wrap up, Danny. He's ticking clock.

51:30He's got to go. What's this stupid one? Okay. Oh, oh, Google. Why are all these places that aren't science? This is what drives me crazy. I don't even want a scientist to do this. Google's conducting one of the largest open air biological experiments in history. Is this mosquitoes or what is it? Here it is playing.

51:51Dana Carvey:Should not be partaking and conducting one of the largest open-air biological experiments in U.S. history. Because that's what this is. They do plan to release 64 million, actually. It's not 32 million like many outlets are claiming. Mosquitoes? He counted up the numbers. Mosquitoes with legs that have been castrated. It's 10 million per year over two years. Mosquitoes? In both California and Florida. California? Get out of here. And yeah, these male mosquitoes, these male mosquitoes are bacteria. So that so they'll release them into the wild. And what are they learning? Mosquito populations because their babies, they won't be.

52:37Dana Carvey:Oh, it's trying to suppress. Here's something. Try to get them to blow blanks. Right. Well, we have a thing up here where our horses have to wear these kind of like masks. and one of the horse doesn't like the bass, but flies are attracted to like their eyes because it's sort of watery. So gross. So I think there's a thing where you can get wasps that don't sting humans or animals, but they'll just eradicate all the mosquito population. We'll go elsewhere. Sure. I'll do that, but don't add mosquitoes to the equation, especially if they're some experimental biological virus. If you're going to do that, I want to see online or on regular television, Google, we're releasing male mosquitoes to reduce the population.

53:27Dana Carvey:Hundreds of thousands of them. We're Google. Are you tired of pregnant mosquitoes? Introducing.

53:39We cut their mosquito nuts off.

53:42Dana Carvey:Yeah. Good luck making a batch of mosquito kids Those days are over We got you neutered, mosquitoes We're Google Insectile dysfunction I hope you had fun when you were getting laid in mosquito world But guess what? Those days are over I'm from Google So go for it Thanks to Google Guess what? This is just a fun fact I may have said this before, but I found it fascinating So Walt Disney goes to the swamps of Orlando to build Disney World. And there's mosquitoes up the yin yang. Who figured out the. How did they get rid of them? Yeah. How did they, how did they get rid of the mosquitoes? Freeze them?

54:26No. No.

54:30Dana Carvey:Mosquitoes will not lay eggs and cannot mate if they don't have standing water. So if you go to Disney World, all water is moving. there's no no standing water i like to hear that kind of shit isn't that cool just it always moves and then they go elsewhere you know this is my last fact because heather asked earlier i've heard at the knicks this is circling around to end up the whole show the front row is comped so i don't think taylor swift is paying 30 000 a seat well is it comped if you're famous but what if you're just a regular wealthy guy i think if you get a season ticket it's not comp i think ben stiller probably pays for the season but if i go to a game lakers i think i've been offered nicks this year if i'm in new york and it's the timing is right i can get you someone goes i can get you on their front you can get courtside two seats just give us a heads up they don't say do you have 22 i heard it was a hundred thousand for this playoff game maybe if you're not i heard the The worst seat last night was$3 ,000, so way up in the rough.

55:37Dana Carvey:I heard the worst seat was$10 ,000. What are you reading? I heard your worst seat is the one in your kitchen. I heard you have a permanent ban on going to Madison Square Garden. I heard I take too much focus off the game because everyone's cheering for me. I heard that Shaquille O 'Neal once threw you the length of the court during halftime. i hear you only once picked me up and swallowed me like stewart little accidentally why i love anything that references stewart little because i read that anything that i heard fourth grade yeah i heard that's not even a real shirt you just this is an ai is very shimmery yeah it's not sure it works okay let's get dana on the road thank you for doing this dana i know you really push some things around you push your not a big deal i just wanted to be on the road 11 minutes from now driving.

56:33Dana Carvey:Good. Well, we appreciate you coming. Have a nice trip. We'll see you guys next time. See you next time. Bye, fly. Bye, flies.

56:47All right, listen. If you're enjoying The Fly on the Wall, of course, hopefully you are, click follow. We don't want to be desperate, but obviously smash that goddang button on your favorite podcast app. Smash it. Leave a review, a good one. Leave a five-star rating, nothing else. Whoops. And maybe even share an episode with a friend. If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe, Dana. What do you think?

57:11Dana Carvey:I'm going to tell you this right now. Hear me now, believe me later. Fly on the Wall, believe it or not, is presented by Odyssey. And executive produced by, hold for it, Dana Carvey and David Spade. Or David Spade and Dana Carvey. We don't write this stuff. Heather Santoro, Greg Holtzman, and Leah Reese Dennis. The show is edited by Evan Cox, with production support from Phil Sweetech. Talent production and booking by Sophia Lepore.