In short
The episode is a wide-ranging comedy conversation mixing celebrity anecdotes, sports talk, weed stories, and “news” clips.
Guests
Dana Carvey and David Spade (comedians/actors). They discuss: (1) how they remembered old quotes they don’t recall saying, including a story about driving Nathan Lane in LA; (2) Scatman Crothers’ weed habits—rolling joints in a bathroom, bringing “a lid” of Columbia weed on a plane to New York, and later visiting Scatman in Van Nuys with ukulele music and songs; they also mention Scatman’s Heathrow/Jack Nicholson weed story from The Shining era; (3) Elon Musk “trillionaire” math—trillion dollars vs California high-speed rail cost, and passive income estimates; (4) sports locker-room partying and team dominance; (5) a “kill switch”/remote-repo car rumor; plus movie/theater experiences and promotional chatter. Notable examples include SummerSlam/Chumba Casino ads, references to Lost in Space, Planet of the Apes, The Shining, Project Hail Mary, and multiple premiere outfit photos. Key claims are that Scatman was a “pro stoner,” trillionaires could generate enormous interest, and modern cars could disable themselves remotely.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VODiscussing Tim Chamolay and Nathan Lane
0:30 to 1:54
Dana and David reminisce about Tim Chamolay and Nathan Lane's influence.
“I was always wondering that Tim Chamolay-a-ding-dong was everywhere.”
Memorable Encounters with Scatman Crothers
1:55 to 5:26
David shares entertaining stories about his friendship with Scatman Crothers.
“You were a little stand-up comic twerp from the Bay Area.”
Reflections on Stoner Culture
5:27 to 8:26
The hosts reflect on stoner culture and their experiences with famous stoners.
“Sometimes you put cola on a bong hit and make a cocoa puff.”
The Comedy Gig Experience
8:26 to 14:00
Dana and David discuss their experience performing at an outdoor gig.
“The next one, I don't know if they, you know, these air a couple of days later.”
Reflecting on Performance
14:00 to 16:40
Dana and David discuss their recent performance experiences and personal critiques.
“It's still kind of, I mean, not used to outdoors like that.”
Trillionaire Economics
16:40 to 24:40
A humorous exploration of what having a trillion dollars would mean and what one could buy.
“You know, which is all, who from Carmel?”
Movie Discussions and Reviews
24:40 to 28:00
Dana and David discuss current films, including 'Project Hail Mary' and their own movie 'Busboys'.
“Let's fight the five-year-old that plays with toys.”
Cinema Etiquette and Annoyances
28:00 to 32:34
Learn about the frustrating experiences and etiquette in movie theaters.
“Everyone's Talking during the movie I know, it's just like Is this take place now?”
Creative Ideas for Movies and Shows
32:34 to 39:50
Explore humorous and innovative ideas for TV shows and movies.
“Let's let's make some money for a second.”
Creative Ideas for Movies and Shows
39:55 to 40:08
Explore humorous and innovative ideas for TV shows and movies.
“reimagined as a delicious firework freeze 5-hour energy shot.”
Show all 17 chapters
Improv: Western Movie Scenario
40:14 to 42:01
Listen to an entertaining improvised western scene with impressions.
“and then some more modern people as cowboys.”
Opening Banter and Impressions
42:01 to 43:25
Dana and David engage in humorous banter with impressions and playful commentary.
“That was buzzing around with Dana Carvey.”
Opening Banter and Impressions
43:28 to 43:38
Dana and David engage in humorous banter with impressions and playful commentary.
“The iconic red, white, and blue freezer pop flavor you crave with none of the sugar.”
Funny Cat Clips and Theater Stories
43:38 to 45:08
The hosts react to funny cat clips and share stories about theater experiences.
“Available at 5hourenergy.com and Amazon today.”
Childhood Memories and Humorous Stories
45:08 to 47:14
Dana shares childhood experiences and humorous anecdotes involving kids and bullying.
“And then you come back to school a hero and then they're jealous so they beat you up again.”
Celebrity Encounters and Red Carpet Tales
47:14 to 51:44
Discussion about various celebrity encounters and red carpet experiences.
“But you're not telling grown men to do anything, especially horny baseball.”
Automotive Innovations and Celebrity Cars
51:44 to 55:54
David discusses cars and the implications of modern automotive technology.
“Angelina, I know she had some friction with Brad, but I will say that moment I was.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Dana Carvey:Yo, it's J Uso from WWE. And I'm Jimmy Uso. Chumba Casino and WWE are hyped for the biggest event of the summer. SummerSlam. I know. I can't wait. There's nothing better to do while we're waiting than playing Chumba Casino. Sign up today and you can win a VIP experience with Chumba Casino and WWE for SummerSlam. So what are you waiting for? Play Chumba Casino and enter for your chance to win. Let's Chumba. New purchase necessary. PGW Group. Void proper hampered by long. CTs and Zs. 21+. Sponsored by Chumba Casino. I was always wondering that Tim Chamolay-a-ding-dong was everywhere. And he was like the Knicks' La Boo Boo.
0:40You know, he was hanging around, knew and knew what he does and why he's there. But he's kind of cute. It's not dirty to literally anyone but you.
0:56When you have to enter, you know what I mean?
0:59Dana Carvey:she's like answering like beavis and buddha oh she did a little nefarious giggle hey look wait I gotta get my computer well she can take the Mickey Rooney conversation with me and Nathan Lane she can do anything god dang that was pure filth well just we're just reporters we're not endorsing we're just reporting the news and the news is spicy well it's an interesting idea Yeah, this went through my mind. When people recall conversations you had with them decades ago and quote you, and you don't remember saying that at all. Yeah. So, Nathan, I was driving Nathan Lane around LA, apparently, and I just turned to him and said, I hate plays.
1:52Dana Carvey:I remember that. That was funny. I don't remember saying that, but I remember saying I wasn't really into theater, but I was a kid who was watching, you know, Lost in Space. I wasn't a theater guy. You were a little stand-up comic twerp from the Bay Area. You know, that's not in your vernacular. You're not being, if you live in New York and your parents take you to Broadway every weekend, you know, it's a different vibe. I'd never seen a play except maybe later in high school, they did Oklahoma. Oklahoma, where'd I be? You know, and then I would go watch Planet of the Apes in a movie theater and go, what do I like better?
2:30Apes or Oklahoma?
2:32Dana Carvey:But then later on, I go, I get it. Don't worry. No, but I will tell you this. We have Nathan Lane on the show coming up, and that's what we're talking about. We interviewed him, and he was really fun. I liked him. Super funny. I don't know much about him. He tells some tight stories and got some laughs. uh that was sort of you know it was sweet because we just hadn't really i ran into them only once in like the early 90s but then it was going way back the first job on tv we ever had and then the story of that we i felt like i was talking to the same guy it was like a time machine you guys remembered so much from freaking how many years ago doing it you're like and then In the third day of shooting, we all said this in the break room.
3:18I'm like, oh, my God.
3:19Dana Carvey:Well, I'll say this literally. Mickey Rooney, who I became very fond of, you know, at first I was like, whoa, who's this guy? But I was the number one star in the world. You hear me? Bang. The world. Oh, man, I did the squeak really good that time. Oh, that was a perfect one. So we never got over it. You know, SNL is kind of an experiential and this happened and this happened. But this sitcom should be a Broadway show called One of the Boys. Yeah. It won't be, but it should be. Hey. Hey, don't jinx it. Chris Rock can play Scatman Carruthers. Was he in it? Scatman. We didn't even get into the Scatman stories.
4:02Dana Carvey:I never even heard that part. I became really good friends with Scatman. I always see you guys at the Grove walking around. Well, what I did was, you know, he was constantly smoking weed in the bathroom or whatever. Is that you, D? You know, and just so, and then my brother came out and we, I barely ever smoked marijuana in my life, but he said, I'll get you some special. And then he's talking to us. Scatman's talking to us like this and he rolls a joint that's closed on both ends, perfectly folded in. but it was the worst weed ever it did nothing so then i talked to my brother scott so we got a lid they call it a lid a big thing of columbia and i guess i took it on the airplane and i brought it to new york and i gave it to scat man and then the next day in the elevator he said quote because he was from the 30s where it was a listen he goes uh the music was good may i get a pound a pound She wanted a pound That was when planes didn't hassle you For bringing weed on and shit I guess not But then after the show ended My brother Scott and I drove down the coast Went to Van Nuys where Scatman lived He had his good little ukulele out We gave him all the pot We sang songs and hugged it out You know what's funny is no one Not that many people are named Scatman anymore Well I think it's from Scatman David Spade The Blues Brothers But yeah, Scat singing He brought out the Blues Brothers In the movie, I think I think Does he sing Minnie the Moocher?
5:46Or am I thinking of someone else?
5:48Dana Carvey:And he's famously in The Shining With Jack Nicholson And he said, we came through security At Heathrow And Jack had a suitcase full of weed And he talked to the guy and said Don't worry, it's just for my personal use and they let him in of course you're in a movie called dulling all right i have a question i know i have a statement i did a show just shoot me uh where i was mad at george siegel's character i worked for him as an assistant so i quit and i said i'm gonna go work for snoop he scouted me snoop dog i went and worked for him and then jack wanted to find me and he went oh cool he knocked on the door and i had like long i was like laker full lakers out but i'm like what do you want and then he's like he goes snoop can i get him back and then i told snoop i go i gotta go and he's like and then and i walk away and snoop's crying and he goes i'll miss that little fool it's pretty funny anyway he got me reruns can we see this yeah but he got me stoned and it made me think of you and scat man because when someone that's a pro stoner bill maher woody harrell if i smoke with these guys it's lights out like they just think it's so funny to watch me go hello darkness my old friend yeah i used to play pink floyd animals when I'd smoke.
7:25Sometimes you put cola on a bong hit and make a cocoa puff. Did you ever do that? Such a waste of cocaine.
7:33Dana Carvey:But yeah, they're very professional. If you're a novice, you would be like, okay, hand it to me. Give me that reefer. All right. And they're like, I don't know, man. I mean, come on. They're just like, squizzing it. They're rolling a new one while they're smelling. I'm like, are you getting something out of this? They're rolling in two hands as they've got one of them. So anyway, you know, I was like. I told you, Woody has this like canopy of saran wrap. Holds over it. I think it's because someone else at the pool of the hotel wouldn't be offended by it. So it kind of stayed contained. But man, when you're in that vortex of weed alarm, you're like a jump in the pool, blub, blub, blub.
8:20Dana Carvey:We giggle a little bit back in the day. But, you know, anyway, that's all of our weed stories. Yeah, this is the hot topics is a couple of things going on. The next one, I don't know if they, you know, these air a couple of days later. So don't think we're this stupid, but we are a little late to the party. But the next one, finally, the big story was I was always wondering that Tim Chamillai, a ding dong, was everywhere. And he was like the Knicks is la boo boo. You know, he was hanging around, knew and know what he does and why he's there. But he's kind of cute. And then he was in the locker room, the locker room afterward, the champagne and the goggles.
9:06And then I thought, how did he wiggle in there? And then they panned back. Remember, they show they're pulling a train on Kylie in the background. I'm kidding. I don't know if it was Kylie. I'm kidding.
9:16Dana Carvey:Pulling a train. You can look that up, kids. I heard that was once. You've dumbed it down a little bit. You don't want to go there. I'll tell you this, and I don't know if we talked about it, but there's something about people have won in life so hard. And then their team also wins, and they're just extra, extra happy. Like Taylor Swift and everyone, yeah. It's like, calm down. It makes people not like them because people go, it's too much for you. You don't get this much. You don't get your team winning. when we live in this crummy town and our team never wins. So you don't get it all. And then you're in the locker room partying with them.
9:55Dana Carvey:Oh, no. What are we doing? Crying ourselves to sleep. Don't ever mess with my Golden State Warriors. I will give a warning, and I'm not trying to be aggressive, to the Knicks. Yeah. Sorry, Knicks. You won't repeat. You won't three-peat. And you won't beat. I tell you I will be a swarier For the Warriors Well do the Warriors Have any chance next year I finally confused you I thought you were getting a quad Pete I didn't have a pun But do you think The Warriors can pull one more I think Every team Is kind of like One piece away I'd say the Lakers are in a very interesting thing. LeBron, who's playing ridiculous at 41, like no one ever has, not with his speed and size.
10:53Dana Carvey:But then you've got, you know, the other guy who was injured, Donnick, the Croatian guy, Luka Donnick. You know, those guys who look like refrigerator salesmen. They're kind of doughy compared to our guys. Yeah, I like you. And yet they're incredibly talented. But my Warriors are a little long in the tooth, but never count out Steph Curry. Okay, that's a bold statement. Okay, Luka Doncic. Luka Doncic, sorry about that. I don't know. I'm trying to, just getting it in my ear. Also, if Iran plays the USA in soccer, it's going to be awkward. Awkward. Oh, hi, guys. Well, probably what will happen if the U.S.
11:40Dana Carvey:plays Iran. Like we will start out and score like five goals. We'll just slaughter them. A lot of their players will be injured and they'll do some kind of weird hat trick or reorientate the field where they hold us hostage. We can't do it. We got us in a vice grip. Then we'll make an announcement that we're going to put in some new players and sort of try to tie the game. They say, yeah, yeah. They can't have nuclear weapons during the game. That's for sure. Well, the latest one, they can't have really good nuclear weapons. We don't want them having really good ones. They may get a couple, but they're not going to get a really good one.
12:17A couple for Fourth of July, but none of the biggies.
12:20Dana Carvey:None of the biggies. None of the ones you've got to go behind the counter for. Also, Iran, they're going to be like, you guys aren't still mad about us bombing you four days ago. Are we still talking about this? I mean, let's play some soccer. We dropped a bomb on your entire government, and then wiped them out. You guys aren't upset about that, are you? Here, let me roll a joint. Actually, another big story is how I was on the road and I was in charge with Dana doing a gig. Look at your hair. Well, I'm trying to get it higher. I'm trying to set a record. I don't think it can go higher. I'm going to get a trim.
12:55Dana Carvey:I'm going to ask you this really quick for you. Are you going to get a summer cut? No, this is a big discussion I saw on the YouTube comments that they said they want me to be there when you get your summer cut. By the way, your hair looks so thick and juicy. You look like Barbarella right now. Why Barbarella? It's a funny reference, but it makes no sense. That's Jane Fonda with not many clothes on. It's all about, we did that gig, an outdoor gig, and I forgot some of my products, so it was kind of, you know, I need a lot of help. That Saratoga Mountain Winery is a great-looking, cool gig. It was super fun.
13:34Beautiful night out. I went on early. Sometimes Dana and I flip flop, but this time I was first and I, after Larry Bubbles and, uh, and then I, it was very odd going on at light. I should have switched with you because when it's totally light out, because I went on probably 820. Still light. Everyone's shuffling, doing this, looking around. People are filling in in the balcony over here. I'm like, oh, I can see every single person, what they're doing, what they're wearing. It threw me a little bit, to be honest.
14:06Dana Carvey:It's still kind of, I mean, not used to outdoors like that. There was, the bleachers were asymmetrical. There was a piece up to your left. I kind of remember to look up at them sometimes. Yeah, that's right. There was a piece. It wasn't just all in front of you. So it was just kind of different, you know. There was a railing and all these people up there. I'm like, it looks like a freeway overpass where they're like protesting. They're all lined up. I'm like, is this part of the show? Are they just watching from somewhere? Yeah. Is that a freeway? I know, but it was a great crowd. It was great.
14:37Dana Carvey:I mean, it was a little awkward, but, you know, I did all right. It's hard to follow you when you come in with that rat-tat-tat. Jesus Christ, Spade with that speed bag going out there. Jokes per minute, you know, and I started with a guitar. But anyway, you know, you just, then I rallied with a couple stories. I will say it made me think of a song because I carried your Levi jacket, this one, all the way to meet you and give it to you. And I was like, Dana's heavy coat. I kept thinking of Jamie's got a gun. Jamie's got a gun. Yeah, yeah. Dana's heavy coat. Because I was like, why is my suitcase so heavy for one night?
15:13And I go, Dana's Levi jacket is not as light as it looks.
15:17Dana Carvey:No, it's cool up here today, but it's kind of a heavy jacket. you know that i mean that's reminds me that i don't i just i don't know why when i started doing it because i was just excited that i wrote this parody song of you know kind of like weird out yankovic with neil young for sin instead of cinnamon girl for cinnabon girl i could be happy the rest of my life with a cinnabon and i'm doing i'm going why am i starting with this so i saw you start with it i was like wow i don't i was just what was i doing i was too thrown watching you from the alcove going, can we cut him? Is there any way to get a sickle to him?
15:56No, you know, when you went out, I was like, I kind of ended on not my ending closer because I hit my time and I was like, shit, I better get off. And I don't think you guys were all ready for like, okay, here comes the ramp up. Here's the final long bit. I just ended on when I go, the next one that works, I'm getting off. And then you probably were like, oh shit, I'm on. Cause I just brought, I just go, thanks. All right, here's Dana basically. And you were like, oh shit. And then it throws you a little bit because you're not getting ready.
16:22Dana Carvey:But yeah, I was like that too. I don't know what, but we all critique ourselves in that way. We had fun though. We had fun, definitely. Super fun, great crowd. And for me, it was like, there were a lot of people from my high school there. Yeah. You know, which is all, who from Carmel? You know, because I - You used to do this bit all the time. Like, that's not possible. Hey, you weren't funny in high school. What happened? Oh, I had a guy tell me at the reunion. He goes, everyone says was Spade funny? I was like, fuck no. I go, well, the real question is, was David Spade at 16 trying to be funny with football players?
17:03Dana Carvey:Hey, guys. Here's my act. No, I was trying to survive and live.
17:16By the way, here's another big story. I love that you're getting stories.
17:20Dana Carvey:Here's a story. This is kind of old because it's been a while, but Elon Musk being a trillionaire, I wanted to put that in perspective for you. A trillion dollars. If you had a trillion dollars, you could buy two miles of the high-speed rail in California.
17:42It's such a burn. Wow. Nah, because it cost$120 billion to get this garbage railroad in Sacramento that no one wants. Okay.
17:54Dana Carvey:Also, if you stacked them, could you go to the moon? I don't think so. I know the answer. It could go get into orbit. I don't know if it could go all the way to the moon. Orbit. Hmm? Orbit. Orbit. Orbit. That's about 90 ,000 feet or something like that. Give or take. I'm always thinking, let's see if you and Heather are good at math or Greg. If you could like to take the trillion and put in a 5 % bond, what would you get in passive? You're just sleeping on the beach. You could sleep on that interest. Yeah. So 5 % of a billion. I could live forever on one day's interest But let's get a number That's 18 zeros, babe Jesus Christ, is it 500 million you'd make with sleeping on the beach?
18:555 % on a trillion
18:57Dana Carvey:Well, 10 % would be, because it's a thousand billion A hundred billion? I know 10 % would be a hundred billion, right? Yeah, I guess so So 5 % would be$50 billion as you slept on the beach. I could live on that. Yeah. But still, you got to watch expenses. You can't get carried away. You can't go to dinners every night. You can't go nuts. I just like that if guys with$250 billion base walk into a room and just literally kind of they lose height, they shrink, they're slumped over. if Elon's there, they just shrink down to little men. They're little punks. The little punks, they're$250 billion. They're fleas on amoebas on rats.
19:49Dana Carvey:Okay, no joke. I'm not kidding around here. What would you buy if you had a billion dollars just off the top of your head? Just a thing that you would enjoy. One billion dollars. You have five seconds. I don't know. I'd probably just skip. I wouldn't waste it. Are you a boat or a plane guy? I wouldn't spend it frivolously. I'd get a solid gold skateboard with diamonds on it. And then. An autograph. No, I'd probably want to get a plane to fly around. I think that would be the G7 where you could wake up in Hong Kong. Go to Santa Monica and go anywhere in the world nonstop. Pretty much. I think you can go to Tokyo.
20:26Dana Carvey:You could go to Europe. You go to wherever. So I would fly home from grownups every night back to LA. Yeah. And those new ones are like the Citation 10 inside baseball. They go over 51 ,000 feet So the flight is completely smooth Because you're ahead of the jet stream Thank you very much So that's what I would get too But you have to have a lot of money Because of the maintenance That's where they get you What's that about? That's the socket What do you mean that's how they get you? That's the maintenance He's under the plane going Let me tighten these lug nuts
21:08Dana Carvey:the maintenance per week costs more than the plane that's that's how they get you that's what i think that is the maintenance is bad the gas is where they get you i would say i'd say put regular in it not super regular i would say buy buy i would buy saudi arabia so you could get free guys can i get a deal on mykonos jeez okay let's get that shell let's go over to the shell station and clear it out. All right. Getting that super supreme. No more unleaded for me. Carfie. I used to say, I'm so dumb. I'm the kind of guy that puts super unleaded in a rental car. That was for my act. I don't know if I said that.
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21:51Dana Carvey:Well, I used to do a joke. The first time there was crazy oil or gas prices going up, a filler up. No, just$300 worth. Nah, give me the first$300. Yes, give it. Fill her up? No, just$300. How about this? I just want to put$10 in it. Why? Where are you going? Just to the next... Gas station? Gas tank squirter. What are they called? What? Where do you get gas from where you hold the gun out? What's that called? A gas tank squirter. You got it right. Hey, here's a pop quiz for it What's it called? You don't know Well, it's called the pump It's the pump I just want to put 10 bucks in Why? Are you going to work?
22:38No, I'm just going to the next pump Let me ask you a question
22:44Dana Carvey:Have you ever Put the gas in the car Put it in the thing It's going Going to the convenience store Get a candy bar or something Go out and drive And it's still in there and then it flies out of the pump. Have you ever done that? I've seen it happen and I really hope I don't do that because that's going to wind up on some Instagram fails. I did it, but I blame it on this. So I'm talking to someone. All right, go on the store. I go in the car. And so then it, but luckily it just shuts off. Oh, you put it in, then you leave and forget about it. And then I'm driving and it pulls away And I just started flooring it.
23:29Dana Carvey:Oh, my God. It shuts off. They come out and go, we can put this in. No problem. Keep driving. Many people pull them out. Yeah. Can you tell what accent that is? That's Armenian. You have an Iran fixation. No, I just thought of it because I was just thinking of something. But I wrote it down. But listen, Netflix is going to do a new show because they like live events. And I'm in with them because of a couple things I have percolating. In the hopper. No. So they're going to do a live event of they're going to have someone stack a trillion dollars and see how far it gets. That would be a good live event.
24:12It would take a while.
24:14Dana Carvey:Isn't Mr. Beast all over that? Oh, yeah. Where's Mr. Fucking Beast with this one? Yeah. Beast it up, beastie fuck. This is a fucking layup for this guy. Look, you got a nickname like that. You got to live up to it. You know, enough of kids running around chasing a soccer ball, laid down$12 trillion in greenbacks. Yeah. It makes me think of whenever Jake Paul fights and when they go, this guy's fighting a YouTuber. I'm like, Jake Paul's like 6 '3", solid rock, has$150 million in 24-hour trainers. Have him fight Mr. Beast. Want to get a YouTuber in there? Let's fight the five-year-old that plays with toys.
24:53Dana Carvey:The slow-mo of that punch he took, I got a lot of respect for him. Like he broke both sides of his jaw. I really. He goes, good dude. He goes, not as fun as I thought. And then, you know, then he's all bleeding and a broken jaw. I loved every minute of it. I respect that guy. I'm numb. Yeah. Eating shakes for the next two weeks. Yeah. I know. But it's like, but he got the cash. Is that really a win, Dana? not if you have permanent arthritic jaw you know later on it might come back to my jaw hurts like shit my neck and i got nothing for it that's because you did a back flip in junior college fool hey so here's the other one this airs this will be monday in a week we got we're gonna have you on i should even say that because we uh because the movie is now dana it's on a couple places.
25:50Apple.
25:51Dana Carvey:Don't just hold on. Okay. It's on Apple. Apple. Okay. I got that one. YouTube TV. It's on Amazon. Jeez. Where isn't it? Let's just. Fandango and busboys.com. You can rent or buy, but it's number five on Apple right now. You're kidding. Behind Project Hail Mary. When I think of busboys, and I know it sounds like a non sequitur, I think of Project Hail Mary Like the similarities Well you know the similarities Let us know You know what I mean Basically it's Boy meets girl Boy meets moon Boy meets space monster That's Project Hail Mary Which I saw Which you didn't I don't think I did see it Oh I bet you liked it Enjoyed it very much Yeah I like Ryan Ryan Gosling is just an incredible movie actor That's a hard one to pull off, not to run over you, but that's a hard one.
26:50Dana Carvey:No, no, he's great. I mean, you know, and bus boys are basically you and Theo telling dick jokes falling down in the dirt. Which I said before, but it's a good word package. Let's tell Theo that he'll love it. There's nothing wrong with that. We need raw comedy that's just funny and goes wherever it wants to go. We need it. I like my reviews on my DMS are from literally one guy, one girl goes, I saw bus boys. It has changed my life. I don't know if that's good or bad. And then someone's like, I like these movies. Bring back these stupid moronic, dumb shit movies. Yes. Yes. I saw bus boys and I'll never forget it.
27:34Dana Carvey:I saw bus boys and it reorientated my position on the planet. I mean, the sort of obscure compliments. I saw Busways. I'll never remember it. I'll never forget it. Tim Dillon was funny. You know, I like when they say linesman. Listen, the big victory is if someone quotes lines or it's a Halloween costume. yes can you foster those two things it's possible no we have to give it time because once people see it then you go more people will see it at home obviously than driving to the theater now project hill mary is easier to go to the theater because it costs 200 million dollars and you go they spent every bit of it on a screen yeah i mean it's i saw it in a stadium theater You did?
28:24Dana Carvey:You're like Joe IMAX I like a nice 11 o 'clock movie Empty And the only, you know I mean, unless people are talking I like to be away from people, you like to be in a group Of people, you're watching A war movie, this is sad I mean, it throws me out of the movie Yeah, are those real Bums, do you think? Everyone's Talking during the movie I know, it's just like Is this take place now? No, this is World War II. So before? I know. It's like, hey, let's grab a cup of coffee and have a chat and catch up. Hey, wait a minute. There's a movie started. Let's do it in the movie. Let's do it when the movie starts.
29:07Dana Carvey:I love you, Brian. The first thing you do, I'm going to teach you, Dana. When someone is talking behind you in a movie, you go like this. That's the first shots fired. Second is you go like this. You're going to get mugged if you don't. Okay, what's next? Well, that's not bad. You just sigh, meaning like, come on, guys. Or then you go like this. Hey, come on. I say that like this. Hey, come on. And then they don't know where it's coming from. They go. But if they get really loud. If they get really loud. Well, see, I have a problem because if I have to tell them to be quiet, I get so angry that I have to tell them that I just throw another movie.
30:00Dana Carvey:But I was at some big science fiction movie with a friend, pretty empty theater, but Cinerama Dome. And there's a baby consistently crying like 40 feet away with these parents. So, oh, man. And he goes, I'm going to go say something. I go, really? For the baby? So he walks over, he says, hey, could you, your baby's crying. And the guy did say, what are you blaming me for? It's the baby's crying. That was a direct quote. What do you want me to do? It's the baby crying. Put it outside. Yeah. But why should you really bring your baby to see fucking obsession? Well, I wanted to bring an orangutan, see if I could get one to local zoo and come back and have it, and go, hey, could you get your orangutan quieter?
30:45Dana Carvey:Why are you mad at me? Yell it. Talk to the orangutan, idiot. I always smile at the moms and their baby is fucking freaking out on airplanes because I want to be like, I got it. It's not your fault. Well, you want to tell them that, oh, we've been there. So yeah, we don't ever try to scold them or, you know. I always smile and say, I get it. I get it. And then halfway through the flight, I go, hey, it's getting ridiculous. Do something. Yeah. You know what you could do in a movie? And this is, you probably won't. I know what you would say, by the way. If you don't do something, I will. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
31:22They're scared of me. And here's what you could do. They see you and they go, hey, can you at least part your hair? I can't see the screen because you're in front of them. And you go like this. Can you see now? Because of. Your hair is so high, it blocks them.
31:38Dana Carvey:I know. Well, I'm going to get, this is going to come down. It's like a hedge. It's like those things that grow a chia pet or something. Yeah, it's chia hair. My hair grows faster. I have shitty hair, but it grows faster. No, it's very good hair. And here's what happens. If they talk so much behind you, you go, I don't want to do this. And you take up your coat like you're going to fight them. And you throw your super heavy coat on them. And they can't move. And they're smothered. Yeah. I throw that. And I also have a thing where I can just blow the hair up.
32:12Dana Carvey:And they're like, we can't see the movie. Don't blame me. Blame the hair. I take it up with my follicles. Take it up with my temples. That's hell hairious. That's that's hair speculous. I will say I had a genius marketing idea, but we'll go to the story. Let's let's make some money for a second. This won't be necessary. I'll pitch a movie. I'll pitch a TV show, but I don't know if I should because it's so fucking good. Okay. This is so bad. This is, I saw the other, the Chipmunks movie was on. You know what that's called? Of course. Like with David Cross. Yeah. And then they did a second one. And you know what they called it, which I thought was genius.
32:59Dana Carvey:Chipmunks Forever? No, they said Chipmunks 2, The Squeak Wall. Nice. I loved it. I like a good pun. So I said, you should do where they go back in the 1800s and do last of the most squeakins. wouldn't that be good it would be a little racially incensed this is like the new york post does this too yeah they could cover yeah they don't do this good i mean most weekends i mean god damn it sells itself 100 million on video that is good that's all that's my big right now here let me hear your movie it's not a movie it's a tv show okay okay um It's called, I don't know if I do this, such a good idea, but I'm claiming it here.
33:48Dana Carvey:Don't give it away yet. TM, trademark. It's called The Big Switcheroo. Okay, I like it. So it's a competition show. And initially what you'll do is you'll take a comedian who'll teach the singer how to do comedy. And the singer will teach the comedian how to sing. It's a competition show. And then eventually you get like the plumber teaches the guy in the house how to be a plumber. It's any kind of switcheroo teaching each other. And it's called the big switcheroo. Done. Done. So you would have, you would coach Mick Jagger how to do a standup and Mick Jagger would coach you how to, how to sing, you know, one of their songs.
34:30Or. Don't be too excited. No, this is good. I'm thinking of how I can steal it, but I'll just name it something else. But also. Well, I love the transparency. I can't get mad. I'm just thinking out loud. I'm sorry I'm preoccupied. I'm trying to steal it.
34:46Dana Carvey:My hair got bigger in the last 30 seconds. I know. I was going to say, what if you had someone could trade places with your hair for a day and then report back what it's like. Called the big hairy rue. Yeah. And then they go, they go, it's great being Dana's hair. Everyone looks, everyone stares and gives compliments. Oh, I got a title, Follicle Follies. Oh, yeah. Follicle Follies. I don't like that. And people just switch hair. If I wanted to start a feet OnlyFans, give me names. I've heard from people that Heather wants to start a feet OnlyFans. You want a name for it? I just want you guys to give me names if I did.
35:22What would it be, your name on your thing or what would it be called? Something with feet and sex. Oh, let's play footsie. Like Soul Siren. Oh, feel a foot Instagram for OnlyFans. It's called Soul Asylum.
35:39Dana Carvey:Well, wait a minute. What is the thing? So people with foot fetishes or what is it? Oh, I like that Dana is so innocent and adorable. Dana, they make money. They make so much money putting their naked feet on OnlyFans. So people can look at their feet. I like how he thinks about it. Just feet. Yeah, their feet. Okay. And so you can make a tidy living without being fully naked. I would show my feet all day if I was female. By the way, I'm not saying my feet are bad. My feet are great. And what we should do, Heather, no offense to your feet, mine are probably better. We take pictures of my feet and we see how much money we can make to save their girls.
36:22Dana Carvey:Let me ask you a question, Heather, and anyone who wants to listen. Yeah. Do you do maintenance on your feet? Do you get... Heather is... Oh, a woman is, but Heather's especially. head to toe maintenance and the feet. I'm sure she could zhuzh him up in a pinch if it's a photo shoot, but just regularly, I'm sure they're pedicures. They call them. I mean, my question for you is this, and I don't know about the image. Do you have like a gigantic jacuzzi tub with it? You get into instead of a shower with bubbles everywhere and a big cigar. Me, Heather. You. Me, no. Heather, women take baths. Men are men.
37:08They shower. Yeah, I shower. And then I think if Heather did, anyone that does feet, there's something called WikiFeet, Dana. I think that's what it's called, right?
37:19Dana Carvey:Instead of Wikipedia? Or FeetFinder. What is it called? Both. Both. And they just make money showing women's feet. So if you look at a picture, it's too perverted, Dana. You're too sweet. Well, no. I mean, you guys, you heard of ears? They just show their ears. they get seven figures what's it called it's called just ears and they just come in tight and and so there's ear fetishes i mean i'm about as turned on by feet and ears the same i don't really i'm not a super foot guy i do think if girls have nice legs they probably have nice feet too but i don't know what everyone's looking for in these feet like obviously you don't want to be too calloused and burned out but just a blink you don't want to hear the phrase what's their feet like gnarly.
38:06Dana Carvey:Yeah. Gnarled. You know what you could get into? There's a website where people pay and want to see it is it's called sleepy mustache. So you could just show your mustache on sleepy mustache.com. Make a lot of money. This is where you come back with some stuff. No, I don't. Cause I'm thinking about it. Thinking about it. I might need some. I got ears. Sleepy mustache. We're two and Oh, give me something. I have good legs too. I'm not bragging, but I've had a few, if not a couple of compliments. Well, what did you, you played Chris Gattin's character, which was in high heels on SNL. Mango. Mango.
38:46Yeah. Yeah. I don't wear shorts that much and it's a crime. It's a crime. Well, my legs were so, went from running, were so gigantic.
38:58Dana Carvey:I couldn't buy pants. I couldn't, cause I had a. I don't know about this story. Yeah, I still have huge... Yeah. Yeah. Quad-wise or buttocks? You wanted to have kind of slender legs as a distance runner. I always felt like, you know, giant legs, muscular legs were too much for a distance runner. But I got over it.
39:26All right, let's get into some news because we're going long. and I know that you've got to go out to the well or something today. Oh, buzzing around, Buster. Oh, we haven't done a goddang buzzing. Could we ever get this right? Okay. Buzzing around. So we talked earlier. All the problems. No, I have to introduce it. Hold on. Oh, we'll have problems. Trust me. Okay, now it's time for Buzzing Around. Sponsored by 5-Hour Energy's Firework Freeze flavor. Ignite your taste buds with a red, white, and blue freezer pop classic. reimagined as a delicious firework freeze 5-hour energy shot. Find firework freeze shots online at 5hourenergy.com or Amazon today.
40:07Okay, so Dana's going to do three impressions in a scenario.
40:13Dana Carvey:Yeah, I'm going to do a Western kind of movie between old school cowboys and then some more modern people as cowboys. Right And it's not I've not done it out loud There's no script There's just a rough thing You've been rehearsing for weeks Well, okay, here we go Okay, go, ready? Duke, I don't think we should challenge these people They're kind of scary, Duke Well, calm down, Pappy Well, don't make me do what I did last time You fellas out there want to wrestle with us a little bit I'm Billy the Trump I'm Billy the Trump I can try I can shoot fast I can shoot good And this here is the Ringo Kid They call him the Ringo Kid He's the Ringo Kid, right?
41:10Dana Carvey:Come on I can shoot faster than anybody ever shot Well, what's he talking about, Pappy? He can't understand him What do you think, Kirk Douglas? Kirk Douglas Well, I'm faster than Ringo Kidd I'll play your tune, cowboy I can shoot you faster, right, Rob Schneider? Yeah, I'm Rob I'm Boat Lancaster Your name's Rob Schneider You're not familiar to me How do I know you're a fast gun? Come on, I beg to differ I'll shoot you in the head, I'm fast I'm real fast I Okay Well it's time to start the party Uh oh Here comes the fastest gun I didn't want to have him Mr. David Spade Whoa Oh yeah Hey guys Is there a gun Is there a bar I don't want to get in a gunfight I just want to kind of buzz by And say hi to Rob Hey Rob Come on there Poison our water He's a little bit like Joe Biden I didn't even notice that Poison our water Yeah, that's funny I'm Boat Lancaster Why don't we count to three and shoot them away One Two, three And then Scene I will say my one thing is I thought Ringo would be Ringo Starr Peace and love I know, I should have done that Peace and love Well, peace and love doesn't work around here Ringo Starr See he could always come in trying to You know maybe next week You know I think next time we do it It's going to be during Theo We're doing a special one Dana and David No guest with a guest So but we're going to make him Sit through buzzing around It'll be fun for him Okay let me know what you think He'd like to hear Oh yeah that's funny I'm Billy the Trump I can shoot very fast I like Billy the Trump.
43:20That was a good. Billy the Trump was great. Jumping off point. Okay. That was buzzing around with Dana Carvey. Sponsored by 5-Hour Energy's Firework Freeze flavor. The iconic red, white, and blue freezer pop flavor you crave with none of the sugar. Spark a tasty flavor sensation with Firework Freeze 5-Hour Energy shots. Available at 5hourenergy.com and Amazon today.
43:43Dana Carvey:Mm-hmm. I like to buzz around. Let's show a. No one knows Kirk Douglas, but I do. It's a good one. Give me a clip or two. Clip it up. Clips ahoy. Oh, this is... Oh, Heather saw this. I knew she'd love it. This is a Romeo and Juliet. And I think a random cat comes out during the play.
44:12Meow. This is during the play. Oh, during the play? Fantastic Crawled out Meow God he's loving it The guy doesn't move any muscle God Look at Juliet tries to Is he croaked in this part? Shades of massive head wound hairy Yeah It is massive head wound Yeah Look at the cat Now it gets on the table And Oh that's it Shit That's funny
44:39Dana Carvey:How did the cat get out? I mean sometimes when John Lovett says stand up Jerry just comes out in the middle of it That's as close as I can get to that Who let the cats out?
44:50Dana Carvey:that's cute right that's a lot of these are cute cats are cute you know my horse nipped at me last night whoa you know i was pregnant no i was just kind of petting it and giving it carrots and then i sort of pet its neck and it sort of went don't don't do that you know you say hey there's the door there's the door you don't like it here yeah i just said really huh really well oh you hate plays you probably hated watching that clip i love the theater i love plays now but you can't hold me accountable for something i said in 1982 if you said it yeah i mean that was funny that you guys both remembered driving in a car and what you talked about i was like what yeah uh okay next one I don't know what this is okay can you read that microscopic shit this was the outfit he managed to put together to simulate oh this kid didn't have a Mexican flag outfit so he wore a Christmas outfit with the same colors which is smart oh okay that's clever and one of the big one of the big soccer players saw the clip and he gave him a grande mucho
46:13see look at him see the christmas sweater heather yeah same colors oh yeah it blends right in
46:20Dana Carvey:yeah and so the uh football or soccer player gave him it would have been better if all these people were picking on him and then he felt bad first and then the superstar called him and said i'm gonna give you a mucho grande uh jersey that's the thing is you don't want some bully and in your class calling you out on that. And then you come back to school a hero and then they're jealous so they beat you up again. Yeah. When they say beat up, usually it's just one punch, right? Yeah. I took a few before I'd go down, but yeah. Oh, I never went down. I mean, I didn't go down. I get knocked down. I get up again.
47:04Okay, let's see the next dumb story.
47:06Dana Carvey:Let's see it. Oh, I think this one I heard was a joke. James Dolan asked Knicks players to abstain from sex. But you're not telling grown men to do anything, especially horny baseball. And how are they going to police that? He said, don't get mad, but I'm going to put a ring camera in everyone's bedroom. Please understand, it's for the playoffs. Yes. I'm going to have special surveillance in your bedrooms just for my private use, just to make sure you obey my orders. This goes back to the Josh Duhamel advice he was given before dates. Heather, do you remember that advice? Oh, that, yeah. You still thinking about it?
47:55Yeah. It happens, for sure. I've heard guys say it. You're not supposed to whack off. You are supposed to.
48:02Dana Carvey:you're reporting what someone told you he never said if he took the advice i said did you and he goes he said probably okay next one we're buzzing through these photographic memory much who me no heather he did oh look at these two munchkins okay this is funny does it say you did uh no this This is funny because I told you I was such a premiere whore. But look, these are just different premieres I was at. This is a funny one to me and Farley. I like it. But my outfits are all 1 ,000 % bad. But I was digging it. Okay, next one. Okay, that's not happening. Which one is this? Number two is Happy Gilmore, 1996.
48:45Oh, Happy Gilmore premiere. You looked like a gas station attendant. I know.
48:51Dana Carvey:Circa 1968. That Miller light shirt. Fill her up, sir. Throw that away. It was too cool. I shouldn't wear a t-shirt under, but. I would change things now. That was... Shades and door. Oh, Waterworld. Waterworld? You went to that one too? I remember I took a picture with Julia Orman, this actress that wound up being Sabrina. Yeah. Anyway, I look cool though. My U2 hat was spicy. This is my favorite one. This has to be Goodfellas or Casino. Yeah, Casino. I saw Wescoey Wabbit. Me and Farley went to this. From work, premiere horror, ran down Times Square, whatever it was in New York. Hilarious. My New York coat on.
49:39Oh, this is... God, can I stop for one second? Not a stylist. And no, and my hair is messed. Good God. Is that a Kate Spade shirt? Does it say Kate Spade? That's the little one. I still have that shirt.
49:54Dana Carvey:Maybe. Okay, next one. God, you went everywhere Oh, that's iDallas from MTV What? Look at my hat's backwards What's going on? This is a crime Sunglasses, backward hat The fact that I would take dates to a premiere is insane Jerry Maguire, stop going You were just invited to all these? I didn't know I could say no I didn't know I could say yes oh christy swanson look at this stupid shirt i love that shirt and i tuck it in wait a minute some hands are being held i know she was a hand holder but you know oh okay what's that godzilla god i don't know actually let's stop this is too embarrassing oh go to the next one again but that's outdoors first new groove first new groove okay anger management there's emperor's new groove oh going with the snow cap again lavender yeah that's a cool hat.
50:52Wendy Malick, that's where I met. Look at me and Lovitz. Okay, we can end with this one. Me and Lovitz.
50:57Dana Carvey:Laura Tomb Raider. Oh, let's not end. This is Tomb Raider. Tomb Raider 2001. So here's, so Angelina, this is at the Chinese theater. Angelina. There's all this crowd on the other side of the street yelling for her or anyone that gets out of a car, they go, come sign shit and take pictures. So I tell the guy, I'm going to jog over. So they send someone with you so you don't get killed. So I run over. Not everyone does. I run over on one end and I start signing and taking pictures. Angelina pulls up behind me. She crosses and we ran into each other in the middle. And that's when she said, gave me a hug and said, I like that coat.
51:40Can you believe it? Of course, I remember that forever. Angelina, I know she had some friction with Brad, but I will say that moment I was. Friction. I was starstruck by her. Uh-huh.
51:53Dana Carvey:Of course. She's a great. She's a great actress, great artist. I'm not trying to get Brad mad at me. I'm not. That's a good plan. Brad's a dear friend. That's a good plan. Brad's got to come on here. What is going on? Where's Brad? Next time, next movie. Yeah, yeah. We'd love to have him on. He's a cracker. He's a fun guy. He'd be funny. Okay, so is that it or we go one more? What do you want to do? I'll leave it to Heather and Greg. Heather says one more, and she's boiling too in my boiling house. One more. Feel free to chime in. I look cool in this shirt. I couldn't put a T-shirt on. What's this doofy dog doing?
52:34Is that a dog?
52:35Dana Carvey:It's an alligator dog. I like it already. Okay, go ahead. All right.
52:43Dana Carvey:What does it say? I don't know. Jeopardy. She's waiting for food.
52:52waiting for mom to google if i can have some of whatever that's it looks like an alien
53:00Dana Carvey:it looks like it's just a head and doesn't have a body it's slightly creepy that was not anything that was a mistake i didn't submit that i don't know that was so nothing it was something yeah uh let's instead of ending with that clanking turd let's do one more okay bring on the clanking turd. All right.
53:31Dana Carvey:I put a kill switch in my car.
53:40Dana Carvey:Oh, this makes sense. So the new cars. Yeah. and you ignore notices, the car starts disabling itself. Cruise control windows. They don't repossess it. Oh, they do it remotely. Air conditioning, key fob, door locks. And the car can be programmed to, and I'm quoting here. Heather, they already shut your air conditioning off. Wow. Every time the owner is present in the vehicle. If it's an autonomous Ford, the violence says the car can move itself to a nearby rear line. It could drive it back. And if the car is not worth them repossessing, it can drive itself to a junkyard. So when people found this, Ford came out and said they had no plans at all of releasing All right, that's enough.
54:15No, no, no, no.
54:17Dana Carvey:So then Repo Man cannot get a sequel unless they update it. Well, it's partially why they don't want you to, like in California, they want you to only drive classic cars on weekends and ultimately just don't drive them because they want to make sure you get a new one, then you can keep track of it. But the old ones are cool. Gas, drive wherever you want. Last, freedom. and then it'll soon turn into, you didn't make your payment, kill switch. AI is infiltrating us, man. I had a kill switch on my old, I think my Grand National, because I think I would do it when I would go out at night, I would put the kill switch so if they couldn't jump it or something.
55:04I don't know. It wasn't where I could do it remotely because it wasn't invented yet.
55:10Dana Carvey:A lot of times, big, huge celebrities will have a 1971 Dodge Dart or something because they just want to blend. I've got an old F-250, 72. It's juicy. John used to have a canary yellow convertible. John Lovitz, our friend, Rolls Royce that he would drive around in. It was fantastic. Canary. He still has a Rolls Royce. Does he still have the Rolls Royce? Every car he has is blue. He has probably six cars. They're all blue. It was convertible. Get in, losers. I know. He was like a permanent Macy's Day parade. Okay, Dana. I appreciate you stopping by. Thanks for coming on my show. And we will see you next time.
56:02All right, listen. If you're enjoying The Fly on the Wall, of course, hopefully you are, click follow. We don't want to be desperate, but obviously smash that goddang button on your favorite podcast app. Leave a review, a good one. Leave a five-star rating, nothing else. Whoops. And maybe even share an episode with a friend. If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe, Dana. What do you think?
56:26Dana Carvey:I'm going to tell you this right now. Hit me now and believe me later. Fly on the Wall, believe it or not, is presented by Odyssey. and executive produced by, hold for it, Dana Carvey and David Spade or David Spade and Dana Carvey. We don't write this stuff. Heather Santoro, Greg Holtzman, and Leah Reese Dennis. The show is edited by Evan Cox with production support from Phil Sweetech. Talent production and booking by Sophia Lepore.
From the publisher
This week, Dana and David cover everything from Timothée Chalamet celebrating with the Knicks, to Scatman Crothers’ weed. Also, Elon’s a trillionaire, Buzzing Around, and the news of the week.
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