Webby-Nominated?! The April Fools Strike Again

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1:06Dana Carvey:While they work to get every dollar you deserve, you can go about your normal routine, giving your time back to working on my Mickey Rooney impression. I was the number one star in the world. Or finally watch that trending clip. everybody's right and i'd rather be at the gym doing crunches you know whatever turbo tax gives you your time back so we can just sit here and riff on the absurdity of showbiz which is all we do it's a win-win don't wait visit turbo tax.com and hand off your taxes to a turbo tech expert today i thought this was about the fact that we're up for a webby award on the sit on the podcast i I didn't know what you were going to talk about.

1:48Dana Carvey:Wait, there's someone who's coming in. Oh, boy. I'll talk to you later. Oh, bye. Fill the audience in. It's very flattering. Well, this is big news. Yeah. We're up for Best Comedy Podcast with some other good quality candidates. Conan. Is it Conan? Yeah, he's in there. I voted for you. If we don't win, I'm going to call voter fraud. Keanu Reeves gets a little aggressive sometimes. Michelle and I talked about it. You got to go get up in a grill and kick his ass. No, but he knows. Yeah, he knows John Wick stuff. We don't give a ****. We're landing on the moon. We're getting moon dust and coming back.

2:24Oh, I love it. One of those guys, guess what I packed? They weren't looking. The **** dune buggy.

2:31Dana Carvey:My headphones, the metal part of the headphone, it was plugged in, but wasn't all the way in. That's what she said. That's funny, right? That's what she said. Welcome to the show. We were just laughing about some hilarious.

2:50Dana Carvey:Do your best fake laugh. Best actor. Three, two. No, wait. Is that you're doing that in busboys? No, I go like this. I go, that's funny.

3:06That's a good one. You do that on everything I say.

3:11Dana Carvey:Oh, that doesn't mean I'm faking it. My acting could be just as good. I'd like to, because I'm in the mood for it. We have a guest on right up front today, and he may come back later. Quick guest, okay. This is a guest, and his name is Mr. Pierce Morgan, and he's here to talk about the movie Busboys. That's a pretty good guest. Mm-hmm, exactly. David. Okay. Now, I understand you have a movie out called Busboys. That is true. in two weeks yeah and it's all rated uh pretty much yeah i'm pretty sure it will be do you think it's appropriate that you should do an all-rated movie at this time of your career you know that's a good question uh i just think sometimes the younger audience likes that and you got to mix it up a little bit but i just don't think you need to sort of have crass humor to try to connect with an audience.

4:10Dana Carvey:Am I wrong? Well, you're not wrong. I mean, it is a bit juvenile and stupid and non-PC, but you know what? That's what you got to pay the price if you want three funny jokes in your movie. I understand there's a scene where Tim Dillon is talking about your private parts. Is this what you find funny? Is this something funny that you think is actually funny? Well, no, I think we just, we reflect the real world out there, and everyone's playing it very real, and it's just a movie that I think might change the world, that's all. Well, quite frankly, because I just want to say, I find it quite offensive that you would come out with a movie about busboys.

4:50Dana Carvey:It's all rated at this time with all the trouble in the world, and I really don't know why you're doing that. I know. I thought this was about the fact that we're up for a Webby Award on the podcast. I didn't know wait there's someone who's coming in so I'll talk to you later oh bye

5:12oh is that well I reckon I didn't know what he

5:18Dana Carvey:what do you reckon I didn't reckon what he was talking about so I was gonna come in and just sort of say hello I think Busboys is a great idea I think it's a fun movie and I've already bought my tickets like Theo Vaughn told me to do. Yeah, Jeff Bridges, you'll like it better because you'll sort of grade it on a curve. You're not that uptight about it. Yeah, the only thing that Pierce Morgan's missing is a sense of humor, so I'm all for it. That's a good point. All right, thanks. You sound a little like Sling Blade there, Jeff. Well, it is. I used to do... I used to do Jeff Bridges. He'd be like a surfer dude, and then he did True Grit, and then talking like a cowboy in True Grit, And then he did the press tour, and he still was in character.

6:06Dana Carvey:You know, I figured not to do a movie like that. They do that. Because it bleeds over. It's like the guy that played Elvis. Yeah, he did that, Austin Butler. We're up for a Webby, though. I don't know if you know this. I heard that. I heard that. Yeah, this is to fill the audience in. It's very flattering. Well, this is big news. Yeah, we're up for Best Comedy Podcast with some other good quality candidates. It's Conan. Is it Conan? Yeah, he's in there. It's Bowen Yang and La Culturistis. Mm-hmm. And Heather probably knows the rest. But the point is, it doesn't matter, because we are the one to vote for.

6:45So you have to go online. I just tried to do it to vote for ourselves, embarrassingly, but you have to log in, so we'll do it later.

6:53Dana Carvey:Well, if we win, and I don't know if it'll be online or we'll go there. If we win and we go up there to the podium, what do you think you would say? What would you say to the universe about winning or Webby? I don't want any time limits. I want to talk. It will be long enough, our speech, to call it another podcast. It would count as a podcast. We'll check with the higher-ups. I would just say, I would say, look, I'm so glad to be with all these wonderful podcasts. And any one of you could win. I share this award. I share this award with you. It's Ernie? Don't proceed. Don't proceed. The rich don't pay the fair share.

7:51Dana Carvey:They don't pay the money. They don't take the fair share. Don't proceed. Don't proceed. I don't know they don't pay their first share. I'm the only voter in the Academy voting for the Webby. It's just me for comedy podcasts. And I voted for you. If we don't win, I'm going to call voter fraud. Also, you know, there's a voter ID debate going on. I don't really know what the whole thing is. Why would anyone have to show ID to vote? Get out of town. Exactly. there's another story married to that where there's listen I have to show my ID to do almost literally anything in life drive a car go to the airport buy a beer so I don't think having an ID is a crazy idea to vote but there's something in I just read that this is funny Connecticut on such a minor thing they don't want the voter ID right So I'll fucking mangle this story.

8:55But they're getting with the recycling five cents. They get five cents, but they're upping it to 10 cents for their recycling. They'll pay you.

9:05Dana Carvey:Oh, yeah. You'll get 10 cents instead of 5 cents. Turn in a can or some kind of milk carton. So what they're finding out is people are coming from other states to take advantage of that. So they say you have to have an ID to do it and you have to be from here. You can't cross the border into our state and do it. I say, and this may be a hot take, and I don't want to get people upset. That is hysterical. No one's listening. Let's get rid of all IDs. I would be fine with that. No DMV, no ID. Get on an airplane. Hey, man, my name's Doug. I'm in seat four, right? Please. So just get rid of the IRS.

9:44Dana Carvey:I don't have an ID, dude. I think we're over-identified. certified so if we're gonna get for voting let's do it for everything five-year-olds can buy a pint of whiskey i'm fine with it because it's less stress on me i don't want to have to go get a real idea i don't want to do all this stuff so please make it easy on me also uh i will tell you you you you i know you're a fan of my mother my lovely mother judy she's the best and oh my god mother you know what parents do and she the other day she hit me up and she's first of all she's so sweet right absolutely kind of innocent in a sweet way right very innocent dana not kind of no i'm just trying to be you know she's she's out at costco where she spends 90 uh anyone any senior you know you're a senior when you live at costco my mother-in-law is 94 irish wonderful person just costco is is her second church yeah it's a great hangout so great hangout what did you say hot dog thursdays okay so she goes to costco and in the classic she texts me this is what i wake up to there's a little family and she said i was shopping and there was the woman was crying she was standing line but she kept crying and no one would talk to her so my mom went over of course predictably and she said what's wrong and she said they have nowhere to live it's a mother and father and they have four kids and they just came here from some part of africa and anyway she the dad is like a doctor but they don't consider that a doctor here and you know when we were younger we had a vietnamese family live with us and the dad was was a doctor really yeah i never heard that story qui shin tron and lon right and look we adopted a kid and called him quinoa quinoa is that his name quinoa yeah and he loved kind of rice products kind of making fun of the story i think it's very sweet we'll get to the heavy punchline it's not it's that harper stays in this back room in her house she invites this woman for just a couple days to stay in the back room this is recent yeah and she said she could pay 40 a month and at six months if it doesn't work out we will she'll have to find her place and uh and she said i feel bad but um are you okay with this and i said i'm a little nervous about it because of uh you know nancy well just anything people i said don't give just random people our address or your address and have them come over i said maybe you could help out with some cash anyway it's all the april fool's joke and i couldn't believe it heather isn't it great wow she got me and i was just going mom i i i don't know what to say isn't it good heather i didn't tell you questions i was already i didn't tell you and it's so exactly up judy's alley to do all these things and it was she's like i got you i couldn't let you let you die on the vine any longer and i was like oh my god then she told rosie then she told rosie told her parents anyway Everyone I know was, we were trying to, I should have done it to you, Dan.

13:25It would be so great because no one probably got you on April Fool's. And then I realized my brother Andy is in on it too. It's so, he was like, I'm going to call David and go, did you hear what happened with mom? What is going on? I don't know what to say. I got to stop this, but they're here. And I'm like, they're here. I would have.

13:43Dana Carvey:Well, it's a great, in a way it's a great turn. because I was thinking early onset dementia, and then it flips to where she's very, very smart and clever. You know, it's just a total switch. I mean, because$40 a month got my attention. Where can you get that? Maybe the Congo or something? Yeah, that's a lot. This place is a three-bedroom, three-bath. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. Out in the world, no one really carries cash. I know you have a big wad all the time, but I don't. No, so. Stuff it down the front, though. It's for a different reason. That'll do it. Yeah, I got a big guy.

14:25Look at this money.

14:27Dana Carvey:So what you do is, it's different if someone says, hey, could you buy me some lunch? You know, rather than giving them cash and they might go get a bottle of whiskey or whatever. so i say you know i say here's a temporary subscription to apple tv so you can watch the new movie outcome with keanu reeves because i have a small part in it instead of food or just well just to give them you know something to do and uh and i think they appreciate that over food or something well initially it was like a turkey sandwich or hamburger now they're in front of orsos could i get a sirloin tip and a side of uh that's smart because they go you go here's ten dollars for dinner and they go i happen to have the orso menu here and the craig's menu and the swordfish is fresh yeah they even charge for bread so we gotta be by the way i went to craig's last night i saw love it hello you didn't go to craig's that's where careers go to die No, it's not.

15:31It's where there are a lot of hot stars there. Vincent Price, Zsa Zsa Gabor, George Burns. It was fun. Lovitz wanted to go. He loves Craig. I love Craig. He said he's coming on soon. We're going to have him on.

15:45Dana Carvey:Well, I invited him on. I said, come on on and goof around a little bit. I will. He's a solid goofer. K-pop Demon Hunters, Haja Boys Breakfast Meal, and Huntrick's meal have just dropped at McDonald's. They're calling this a battle for the fans. What do you say to that, Rumi? It's not a battle. So glad the Saja boys could take breakfast and give our meal the rest of the day. It is an honor to share. No, it's our honor. It is our larger honor. No, really, stop. You can really feel the respect in this battle. Pick a meal to pick a side. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. Participate in McDonald's while supplies last.

16:27Dana Carvey:In a classroom of sodas, most stay quiet. Then there's Mr. Pibb, sweet cherry, bold outbursts, the kind of flavor that gets attention. Bold kick of cherry. Hey, yo, Mr. Pibb. Okay, well, I have more stories for you. Oh, I have more theater gigs. My last theater gigs are coming up, so I have Nashville in two weeks. Where are tickets right now? If I went on to Ticketmaster, does it say going fast? only singles low ticket warning low ticket warning that's it that should be the name of a special it's so fucking fun I know because it is you kind of I better get the ticket I don't even want to see this show and they even warn me low ticket warning singles only single seats only the Ryman in Nashville and in that day we're going to run around I keep forgetting to talk about this keanu reeves movie but that's the week before on the 10th is outcome that comes out cameron diaz matt fomer david spade jonah hill true barrymore isn't it and uh that comes i want to see that i want to see you in a big budget big movie star keanu and you yeah yeah so okay our tickets going i'm gonna buy a ticket you know what's nice about keanu most of my day was making well was trying to put out the fires because Keanu made maybe every single person on the crew cry because of his sort of benevolent kind of spiritual screaming oh you're saying he was yeah that'd be interesting I guess that would be April Fool's no no but no one would even believe that keanu reeves don't don't be afraid to kick his ass keanu reeves gets a little aggressive sometimes michelle and i talked about it you gotta go get up in his grill and kick his ass no but he knows yeah he knows john wick stuff no i know he's his uh we've talked about this but yeah he's just uh chill i did a thing with him once and he was and you know tom manx was there we're all having lunch at a table and it's Julia Roberts and we look over and he's like 50 feet away at a table by himself and no one else is around.

18:57They're like, come over.

19:00Dana Carvey:He's shy. You don't need to know. You don't need to know everything. Others can get out. I signed an NDA. But yeah, that was the flight that he took, a little commuter flight. It had emergency lands in Bakersfield, and he just bought everyone a hamburger or something. No, I went on the bus with him and made sure they were all dropped off before him. So anytime someone with power in life, because that's what you have if you're a celebrity at that level, puts other people first without any publicist around, I kind of tend to respect that person. He was sort of as advertised and loose and just very unassuming that he was even on a movie set.

19:48And just, I play his neighbor in Malibu and I'm kind of a douchebag.

19:52Dana Carvey:Wait a minute, how are you going to get into character? You're such a nice, sweet person. So how are you going to play a douchebag? What kind of method acting? I start fucking cool like LA guys and they talk to you and they brag about stuff and start dropping names and shit. So it's pretty, it's a fun part, yeah. And he was cool. So I go to New York for that premiere, which will be tonight. tonight you're flying to new york well no tonight when this airs monday i will be there oh oh yeah i understand and um anyway so oh i tell him doing the rhyming in nashville on the 17th then pittsburgh and then charlotte back to charlotte that's the last one the charlotte's a big one big place so we gotta big town to fill it up i love it yeah is it an arena or anything like that it's a big theater holds for like 2800 what i gotta fill it up that's the hard part dude low ticket warning low ticket warning sort of low ticket warning um i just had some thoughts about yeah give me some thoughts just just kind of interesting after all this time that this yeah the straight of hormuz i didn't really get the memo that the straight of hormuz because i think when I look at Cargill Island's Strait of Hormuz, I think of a Kirk Douglas movie in 1965.

21:18Dana Carvey:We've got to open the Strait of Hormuz. And it's like, feels so medieval. And yet the world economy revolves around$100 trillion. This 26. So it's kind of like, I guess we ought to have an alternative plan in case that Strait of Hormuz is ever closed again. We're really relying on this Strait of Hormuz. I call it the S of H I can't say it enough I know and I did notice Trump in the last couple weeks has said make a deal more than even he does I think they're going to make a deal I think they want to make a deal they're looking at a deal we're going to offer them a deal they may take a deal else we're going to bomb them into the stone age it's like take a deal or Barney Rubble it's the Flintstone you're going to be like the Flintstones I don't know.

22:11People that live there that want, that don't, it's just such a, it's always the same thing. You're fighting with the higher ups. The people that live there are like probably nice people. No, it's just probably. You never know.

22:24Dana Carvey:Suburbs and, you know, Iran is as big as Texas or twice as big as, it's just gigantic. I don't know. I have no solutions. Peace and love. I have no opinions. Ringo's on the other podcast, Fly on the Wall. And that was a great time. We won't overdo it, but what a great time. He wanted to come on this one. He said, no, no, you got your own. Yeah, we don't want, we can't, we have to talk too much on this one. I know. Oh, I got another thing. Oh, well, it might be in one of the stories. There was a big moon launch. So people are, moon launch? Is that what happened? Well, they're not going to land.

23:02Dana Carvey:Artemis? Yeah, Artemis Gordon from Wild Wild West. Yeah, the Artemis. It's a pretty big rocket. It's NASA. It's nasty NASA. It's not Starlink or, you know, Bezos. It's regular old school NASA. Yeah, and that's... Cape Canaveral? Yeah, there it is. Oh. It took a lap around the Earth. Is it already done? Well, it took off yesterday. I think it lapped around the Earth, and then there's slingshotting. It'll be to the moon like in three days, or it's at the moon right now, or whatever. It takes a while to get out there and it's going to go further away from the moon, further in outer space than any humans have ever been.

23:45You know what? The guy stepped in shit because, of course, people love this quote. One of the dudes talking goes, you know, it's great because this is the first time we've been to the moon and blah, blah, blah. And then he said, I think he was saying in conjunction with also doing this. But once he said it's the first time we've been to the moon, everyone.

24:04Dana Carvey:I told you. What? Well, here's the weird part. Go ahead. In 1969, early 1969, in July, we put men on the moon. We had a mission to do exactly this, just prove that we can go get around the moon. So the astronauts on that thing, the rest of their life, cocktail party, the astronauts, man. Oh, I'm getting fucked right and left. Did you land on the moon? You can't be a bigger star. There's no way you could be a bigger star than one of the guys on the moon. walked on the moon but you you're like go to a non-star i i i i got really close got a good look at it uh-huh they just turn away at the cocktail party you might as well be an extra yeah you're either the movie star you're the moon be star or you're the extra so here's my question do they have the equipment available to call an audible these astronauts they're really close they go fuck it Houston oh my god because I think they're testing Imago we're going down we don't give a shit we're landing on the moon we're getting moon dust and coming back oh I love it one of them goes guys guess what I packed they weren't looking the fucking dune buggy yeah and the weird the weird part they have one extra astronaut and I was surprised who it was it shocked me but he wanted to go Kimmel Oh, Mondami?

25:33Hey, hey, everything's good. Go ahead. He's very jovial, Mondami.

25:43Dana Carvey:What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine. You're in the moon? Yeah. Mondami's up there. This is not my fake laugh, but an actual half-cough, half-laugh. Yeah. You know what's funny? Dana's never really sick. I don't believe in it. Good job. No, guess what? I'm going on the road a little bit too. And when you start getting in airports and up and down for everybody, you know, it's a recipe for a little bit of viral activity. I'm going to ask you a question. Okay. And you give me your professional opinion. We're going to let the audience in on Inside Baseball. Yeah, okay. This is, I was anticipating this.

26:26Dana Carvey:Go ahead. corporate gig coming up i was just telling heather this yesterday yeah and it's outside of nashville which i love nashville and it's a cool place cool but you know they have various duties you do so the money's fine i i say great it's more like how much do you do when you're there most corporate gigs you go you might meet the ceo backstage that's all part of it they have you know take a picture with their kids say hi for a few minutes go out you do 45 minutes and maybe take a few pictures after whatever but they like it boom boom boom they have shit to do they have some yeah yeah you're not there's usually a you're kind of the entertainment and there's awards for the company and all that there's a day and there's a year and it's their people for the yearly thing so they said vip photos for 15 minutes with the heads fine sit with them at dinner for the dinner i i could do that if i came to that that's not a big deal i still haven't done my 45 yet which takes some energy then this is where they get you hour 15 meet and greet with photos and i said how many people about they said around 300 350 i'm like i don't think i can stand for an hour 15 i mean i can't and the flashes people don't know i don't like too much light But flashes for an hour, 15, and then to get in the bright lights on stage because I'm a colossal pussy.