Cliches Live in the sunshine, the Mike Dean content machine & ASMR in the EFL

20:25Charlie Eccleshare:if I hear one of those before the end of the season I will die Next up, this is Sam Barrett, who features in the latest RefCam video. It's Liverpool versus Nottingham Forest. I always enjoy these videos. I think you glean always one reassuring thing about the refereeing fraternity from them. But here's Dominic Sabosla himself lining up a free kick against Forest. Dominic, it's for my position to know. Are you having a bang? Are you having a shot?

20:50Charlie Eccleshare:Goal kick. I sort of both respect this, Dave, because it's thorough. Like, he wants to get his positioning right for the free kick. but I don't think you should have that inside information before it happens. You shouldn't know. You're having a bang. What does that do? I mean, there's so many ways that that could have gone, could go wrong for the ref though. With like, I mean, Sir Boz like under no obligation to respond. And why should I tell you, mate? Wait and see. Maybe it's going to be a cross come shot. I'm just going to try and fade one into that sort of area, that corridor of uncertainty.

21:24Do you remember that? Yeah. Spend one. Do you remember when David Seaman got down at Stamford Bridge in 2002 by a cross? I'm just going to do that, I think. Just put it in that area and see if anyone comes across it.

21:34Charlie Eccleshare:What is his position going to be if he says cross comes shot? Halfway, I guess. I don't know. Do you think he could have a bang, Dominic? That would really help me out here. Now that this information is public, surely you can then look at what his positioning was and then in the future you will know whether or not they're going to have a shot based on what the referee does. Exactly. It's not a level playing field anymore. this season is void. All thanks to Sam Barrett. Oh dear. Right, let's move on. Here's a lovely description of Brian Brobby's forward play on BBC Radio 5 Live. As there's a goal at Brentford, Charlie Slater.

22:09Charlie Eccleshare:And Sunderland are in front. Long ball forwards up towards Brian Brobby. What a handful. He massages defenders out of the way and it falls to Dan Ballard. Strike is finished from the big centre-half. Love this, Charlie, the idea of a player massaging defenders out of the way. It's almost like, I don't know, you want to squeeze past someone you like at a party, you sort of just give their shoulders a little squeeze. Yeah, you're like, all right, fella, just got to get past that, all right, mate. Yeah, I don't think of Brian Brobby as a massager of defenders. He's too, I don't know, he's too dominant for that.

22:39But it's not a thing at all, let alone for Brian Brobby. Yeah, no, it isn't. But if someone was to do that, I mean, like Kai Havertz, I think, would be the closest, because he doesn't look big or strong, but he does use his body to get past people. and I can sort of see him giving them a little squeeze as he just eases past.

22:57Charlie Eccleshare:Well, if we were to kind of rationalise this, Dave, it isn't maybe like the idea is that Brian Brobby isn't sort of banging against defenders. He isn't barging. He's not all elbows. He's just kind of sort of muscling his way gently, sort of keeping the contact consistent all the way through and then getting round them. So I suppose, you know, muscle against muscle, it is quite massage-y, I suppose. Yeah. If you're rolling a defender. We've seen Adama Traore cover himself, cover his arms in oil. for, haven't we? Maybe there's something in that. Also, massages do really hurt. It's a big sort of, you know, you think like, oh, massage, that'd be really nice.

23:31They're really painful, so maybe it is more accurate. Okay, fair enough.

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26:32Charlie Eccleshare:Welcome back to Football Clichés. Into September we go, so we've got two more Dreamland episodes coming your way this month. For$5.99 a month, you'll get ad-free listening of all of our episodes, plus two episodes a month of Dreamland, our exclusive show. So access to the premium section of Happy Hunting Grounds, lots of other things as well. In a related note, we've got a very exciting announcement for you on this Thursday's pod. So if you like a live quiz, perhaps that may well interest you. More on Thursday. Martin Keown. Next. What a story this was. We were sent by rbarker82 on the Reddit.

27:09Charlie Eccleshare:He'd heard us talking in a Dreamland episode about Martin Keown on a train telling someone off eating nuts because someone nearby might be allergic. Well, this trumps that story by, well, quite a lot, Dave. He says, I have my own similar story about this. I was at the Phoenix Picture House in Oxford and Keown came in and sat in front of me. I had a bag of crunchy pretzels, which I wanted to eat before the film started as they were quite noisy. Keown turned around and said, are you eating nuts? I said, no, they're pretzels. Do they contain nuts? Because they smell like they might. Me, no. Right, okay.

27:39Charlie Eccleshare:Well, you shouldn't eat nuts in public places as some people are severely allergic. Yeah, I know, but I'm not.

27:47Charlie Eccleshare:Now, I want to make clear that none of us are making fun, making light of nut allergies, but the line, do they contain nuts because they smell like they might, I think actually might be too Keone, Charlie. I love the, yeah, I know, but I'm not. It's quite obnoxious, actually, in that response, but that's the only option you've got. I'm not eating nuts. What do you want me to say? I am aware of that. I mean, no one likes being lectured about something that actually it turns out they're not guilty of. I don't like the post sort of verdict lecture. Well, don't do it anyway. Yeah, I always hate that, but yeah.

28:21But it's also completely futile to, you know, Martin Keown's made his mind up. He thinks you're, as far as he's concerned, there are nuts in what you're eating and no amount of, like, we're going to flash him the ingredients or something. There's no point arguing with him at this point.

28:35Charlie Eccleshare:Because they smell like they might. Ridiculous, man. Surely there has to be a reason for Keown to be so hot on this. Maybe someone in his family has got a severe allergy or he knows of someone who died because of a nut contamination thing. I don't know. Well, don't take this the wrong way. But I kind of want either of those things to be true. I don't want him to have just taken on the cause himself. Like he thinks it's underreported or something. And he's sort of taking it on as his number one thing. That would be weird. I do hope that's the case. I think that would be very Keown to sort of just, yeah, get really interested in this topic and then become very, very serious about it and become a sort of vigilante for people eating nuts in public places.

29:20We'll find out when he's on BBC Breakfast to champion the cause. Yeah. Lower down in the Reddit thread, actually, a very important question was asked by Mark Ams Scientist. What film was he there to watch? Like, what did he go to see? and the original poster couldn't quite remember, but checked his booking history to see. And he reckons it was either The Salt Path, 28 Years Later, or The Ballad of Wallace Island. What of The Salt Path? Maybe the most Keown of those?

29:51Charlie Eccleshare:28 Years Later perhaps has the Keown intensity that we're looking for. But yeah. But he also attended Titanic the musical. So we don't know. We don't know what Martin Keown's cultural taste has actually evolved. On to another Arsenal legend, Paul Merson. A couple of Paul Merson-isms for you. This first one came from Charles Jones. This was among Paul Merson's Premier League predictions for this season. Most assists. I'm going to go Cole Palmer. He'll be out to prove people wrong. He's had a summer. You've got to remember, them players who didn't go are going to be so fresh come what Christmas.

30:23And you can have a point to be out of their plan once a week.

30:26Charlie Eccleshare:Have we had a come what Christmas before, Charlie? I can't remember. I don't think so. I don't think so. Come what Christmas. I like come what Christmas. I mean, the alliteration helps it. But yeah, it's got a real bounce to it, come what Christmas. Should be a film on one of the Hallmark channels. Come what Christmas. Starring Merce and himself. Yeah, maybe. A little cameo role. Next up, this came from our man, Jake Farrell, who I think qualifies for an our man these days. Here's Merce on Soccer Saturday, giving his verdict on Chelsea's summer sales. This window, I can imagine they must have been sitting in a room every day of the week for the last two, three months trying to get these deals done.

31:05But yeah, I think they've done absolutely amazing. But it's about£67 million in profit. Yeah, the sporting directors have done, honestly, have done amazing. I think they've pulled up trees.

31:15Charlie Eccleshare:I don't want to live in a world, Dave, where sporting directors should be known as pulling up trees, even if it were, you know, allowable in the affirmative. Well, yeah, I think maybe one of the only times you've ever heard it in the affirmative. Incredible from Merson. I mean, this does threaten the sort of hypothetical threshold for tree pulling up Charlie, making a£67 million profit for Chelsea in the current climate? They've really pulled up trees. Yeah, fair play. They've been tearing it up in the boardroom. However many directors they've got up there. Absolute madness. On that point, the emphasis that he put on, they've been sitting in a room somewhere.

31:54I thought he was going to slag them off at that point. But you just hear that so often, don't you? I heard Alan Shearer was having one of his VAR rants the other day, and he's talking about, imagine all the referees sitting together in a room. People have got to sit somewhere.

32:10Charlie Eccleshare:Yeah, why is that so deriving? What's wrong with sitting in rooms? It's often a kind of a windowless room. Yeah. I think it's because of... Your mum's basement. Yeah, a room is seen as it's like you're away from the action. You're sort of hidden away. It's all a bit clinical and corporate. You're not getting your hands dirty. Yeah, it's not on pitch, perhaps. You're just over there. Yeah. It's definitely not pitch. It's the business side. It's not with the real people. Yeah, and that's not a bad show, actually. Yeah, I think you've nailed it. Over to the EFL now. And someone somewhere in charge of the EFL audio has really, really improved things.

32:47Charlie Eccleshare:What a trio of EFL audio nuggets for you next. First one comes from Sam Parrish. Here's Jay Stansfield's belting finish against Wolves.

33:04Charlie Eccleshare:the hat trick dave of boot net and then the stanchion at the bottom coming up at the bottom that what a lovely little trio very nice very satisfying yeah seeing a lot of this charlie in the last few years with sort of commentary lists highlights reels where it the implication is you'll have you'll have absorbed the commentary either live or in the highlights now we just get to enjoy the football in its rawest sense you only seem to get that on a Monday I think it's a very Monday thing just let it breathe yeah have you seen that fella on on TikTok and Instagram who's trying to capture like the purest sound of the ball hitting the crossbar with like really um fancy microphones I have but I've missed quite a lot of the middle of it so I feel like I've I don't need to go back and watch loads of episodes of a box set it's annoying but I mean, he's on a training ground.

33:55Charlie Eccleshare:He's on a proper club's training ground now. He started off at a local park. Yeah. Someone somewhere should do a podcast on the explosion of kind of incremental social media content. There was a thing during the heatwave of someone watering a small circle of grass on their lawn every day to see how it changed. It's amazing the avenues that people go down. And I thought we were niche. Joel Shooter writes in next. He says, here's a great instance of a mocking olay turning into a go-on for Gillingham's fourth against Rochdale on Saturday.

34:38Charlie Eccleshare:I guess the Gillingham fans, Dave, just weren't prepared for James Brophy to go on that solo run. I mean, they went early with this generation of the Ole and they just kept on going. And then it turned superbly into go on. That's the problem when they were doing the Olays there, but Gillingham weren't really popping it around in the Olay sort of fashion. That guy was quite a long run from deep in the half. But yeah, they styled it out pretty nicely at the end. Charlie, you always hear about players talking about how they shut out the noise and that sort of stuff. I didn't really notice it, to be honest.

35:10Charlie Eccleshare:How aware do you think James Brophy was during his solo run that the travelling Gillingham fans were right at the top? like the upperest octave that they could manage before he shot. Like he's, I'm going to have to get my shot away here. Oh, they're in real trouble. Yeah, he's doing it perfectly in sync with them. Oh, please don't mess this up. Finally, this came from Hugh Davis. He says, does this goal for Portsmouth against Cardiff have the fastest commentary you've ever heard? I make it 38 words in seven seconds. So about five and a half words per second. Eminem holds the Guinness World Record for the fastest rap at 7.5 words per second.

35:47Charlie Eccleshare:And he didn't have to say Milovanovich twice. Dailik up against Milovanovich. Now Pompey have it and can break forward. And Kamal with a nice ball for second. And Milovanovich is free in the middle. He can be found and he's found and he's gone. Kuno to Portsmouth. Wow. That's extraordinary. I mean, as a man who trips over his words so often on this podcast, I'm doubly impressed, Dave. But yeah, we should make for extra context. This is BBC Radio Solent's Andrew Moon. So he's a radio commentator. He's already well-equipped to impart information in the sport in a short space of time. Yeah, but look, there's many commentators who would still fall foul of trying to get all those words in and keep your dexterity and the diction without rolling words into one another or mispronouncing stuff.

36:34That's superb.

36:35Charlie Eccleshare:He must have felt amazing, Charlie, when he had the release of the goal being scored and then could return to the goal-scoring cadence and not the play-by-play aspect of it. Tremendous delivery. I'm in awe. Amazing. And think about the people listening to this podcast on double speed. What that must have been like for them just now. I mean, mind's blown. Yeah. Fair play to Barry O'Driscoll from Dublin, who told me in incredible detail all the different speeds he listens to podcasts at. And we're a 1.2, apparently. which was that as slow as he goes it would seem so it would seem so because he wants to enjoy cliches so he goes for a 1.2 other podcasts he just wants to absorb the information so he just does it really get it in yeah i think it's really dangerous because i i went through a little brief spell where i was listening to a few things on 1.5 and you can get really used to it and then when you see something that's normal speed it feels really slow and it just ruins your attention span And even more than it already is.

37:32Charlie Eccleshare:And you think you've turned it down to like 0.8 by mistake. Yeah. That's the transition that's so hard to deal with. No, completely. And then you're asking yourself like, why am I doing, you know, this is meant to be like a pleasurable thing. I'll do the quick ones. If I need to listen to something for work or something, I'll sometimes go to 1.5. But you're right, it does then feel achingly slow when you go back. I've heard of some people who watch like Netflix series on 1.2 or 1.3. Wow. What are you doing? That's crazy. You don't have to finish it. It's not stat padding. I don't know. Footballers' names in things next.

38:04Charlie Eccleshare:Three for you. First one comes from Harry Gorst. It's former footballers' names in BBC history podcasts. Specifically, this is the invention of Spain. Now, Ferdinand, the survivor of the dynastic marriage which had temporarily brought Spain together, suddenly saw the entire legacy falling into the Habsburg family. So the embittered and angry Ferdinand frantically married little Germain de Foix, a blameless top. who had to endure his... Jermaine Defoy sounds like the way I would pronounce it if I'd never seen it before. It is, yeah, it's got that. What a finisher she was on a day. One of the best.

38:44Right to the very top.

38:47Charlie Eccleshare:Okay, this one came from Caelan Gohan. It's the Gary Neville sound in things. And this is from all the way back from 2005. It's Oh My God by the Kaiser Chiefs. I'd never thought about this before, but you'll never forget it.

39:15Charlie Eccleshare:I tried desperately in the lead up to this recording, Dave, to find which Gary Neville sound it sounded most like. But that is definitely there. But what specific scenario would Neville make that very excitable sound? That's quite it. And then I think that's sort of more early era, Neville, sort of around the goalgasm. Yes. You know, the Fernando Torres in the Champions League thing. But just, I think it's a goal. It's a spectacular goal in a big moment. It's not like a challenge or a red card or anything. No, exactly. It's a long range. Maybe someone just coming onto a, like, what's like the goal of the week, that Maitland-Niles goal of the weekend, where it's just like, what the fuck has happened there?

39:52Absolutely right. Instinctive.

39:54Charlie Eccleshare:Yeah, I'm glad you said that, because I was about to suggest it was like a ball rolling under a goalkeeper's foot, but I don't think it would get the same trajectory from him. Yeah, exactly. It needs to be something really emphatic and impressive at the same time, not calamitous. So I'm glad you said that. Yeah, so yeah. Wow. It's been sitting there in plain sight for 21 years, but there it is. The Gary Neville sound in Oh My God by the Kaiser Chiefs. Finally, listen carefully for this one because it is very good. It came from Ilan. It says, This one stopped me in my tracks. It's a current Arsenal player in a random Bob Marley track.

40:22Charlie Eccleshare:So much things to say.

40:40Charlie Eccleshare:he's definitely a what a find what a find yeah that's good i imagine it probably did stop him in his tracks charlie that's the sort of thing where you go i mean i'm not saying you know you know from from arrogance perspective that he the first thought was send it to the cliches pod but I reckon that would stop you in your tracks wouldn't it yeah before Eze became part of the Arsenal seek frontline of course yeah yeah thanks Gary Cottrell um finally this came from the great Collins mate Ryan he says I just got the tube home and as you walk down the stairs to the platform at Clapham Common there's a northern line sign above and a bloke just reached up and touched it like he was at Anfield I respect it um what would what would compel you to do that at a tube station Dave it feels like quite a Sunday night thing to do.

41:27Charlie Eccleshare:It's like you're wrapping up your weekend and that's it. Back to business. Well, if there was ever going to be a tube station where I would do that, I think Clapham Common would be it, given it's the home of the Rovers. So yeah, maybe he's a one-time Ribblesdale player from the extended squad. Do you think Northern Line as well merits that? Is that the most, sort of, this is Anne? For me, I would go Victoria Line if I was going to do a line. Not just because it serves me but it is objectively the best line it is the one i most respect wembley wembley park but charlie i'm less interested in in what would make particular tube sign touchable in the anfield sense more just the sort of footballing behavior and i feel like that taps into your mentality a bit i feel like i feel like you could do that like it's something in your armory to sort of touch a sign because it just feels like a football-y thing to do yeah it's what i think it's where it's almost like an unconscious thing when it's like a part of your brain kicks it you're like i've seen this done so many times i'm just going to do it out of habit almost or just like monkey see monkey do someone must have a live laugh love sign above their french doors as they go to the kitchen or something like that no i tap it as they go in just subscribe to that mentality one more time um yep there you go that was the football cliches podcast uh thanks to you charlie eckleshire thank you thanks to you david walker thank you thanks again to everyone who came to the live show on saturday hope you enjoyed it thanks to everyone for listening and we'll see you on thursday cheers