Commentator's curse conspiracies, homegrown stewards & Lee Hendrie's "highgevity”

19:42Charlie Eccleshare:It goes on for ages, Dave. Bloody hell. It seems completely unnecessarily detailed for something that quite obviously has to be crafted to be realistic. So I don't think anything sort of stands out here as the winning kind of situation at all. Yeah, so they're obviously not going to go down the route of paying for real commentary or opening that can of worms. So they've clearly tried to construct their own game here with some actors doing the voices, which, fair play. They've kind of got the rhythm of it quite nicely, but it's still the mishmash of names. The problem is we can't help, but when I say Ramos, you're thinking of Sergio Ramos.

20:22Yeah. And he's saying he's normally a winger, but today he's in the back three. Who is this manager? Brady's in there. Hussain, Mendes, Solomon, Rossi. One of them just back from a knee injury, of course.

20:35Charlie Eccleshare:It's very pro-evo, isn't it? Yeah, that pro-evo default team, the Master League team. Mendes getting a right slagging as well, all round from the Geordie Kokom and the fans. He's got a lot to prove. Who's Mendez in real life, do we think? Is he Florian Vietz, maybe? Wow. Mendez 007, of course. No goals, no assess so far. At the end, they talk about a corner or a free kick about to be taken, and then literally half a second later, somebody's flown in with a terrible late challenge. How's that working? There's some speculation, Dave, that this is sort of AI that's done this, but incredibly over it.

21:11Charlie Eccleshare:Either way, if it's AI or they've got actual someone to record this fake commentary. Either way, it's a massively over-engineered way of just getting some football commentary in the background of a scene that didn't need it. It's really weird. So to give listeners a sense, so there's a character who's sending a text message. That's what we're seeing. She's kind of mulling over whether to send it or not. And this is pure kind of background. But yeah, it is a weird thing to have in the background. I don't know. Is it just to make it feel very natural and give you something else to sort of be focusing on?

21:40Quite odd. But it's loud enough to tempt

21:42Charlie Eccleshare:to bait us, Dave. That's the main thing. Yeah. That's what I'm thinking. Come and get me, please. The thing is, it's not like, it's not like Coronation Street where they've got, as we've covered many times, they've got the, what's the team? Weatherfield County. Yeah. EastEnders don't have a local team that they talk about, do they? Because they talk about, you know, West Ham are featured in it and England. Walford Town. I think it is, isn't it? Right. Okay. But it doesn't seem as notable as the Coronation Street example. So they've gone for like a generic game here rather than it being Wolford Town playing or whatever.

22:13Charlie Eccleshare:It's annoying that they didn't throw in a team name there because that could have really either helped matters or completely destroyed it completely. So if it is AI, we could be we could be miring the BBC in yet more scandal here if they've not declared it. Oh, no, we can't go down that avenue anymore. We'll look anti-BBC. It's terrible. Right. This episode is brought to you in association with Beowulf. The Christmas run-in is now underway and luckily for you, it's never been easier to enjoy pub quality beer at home from just£1.91 a pint. Thanks to online beer shop BeerWolf.com and its range of beer taps and keg bundles.

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25:30Charlie Eccleshare:Welcome back to Football Clichés. This is the Adjudication Panel. Episode 12 of Dreamland is out now. Dave snuck it out before the December deadline. Well done to you. Yeah, really went right down to the wire, this one, but we got there. Yes, this latest Dreamland episode, Charlie, is all about Premier League years. Probably the longest record we've ever done, and rightly so, because an issue very close to our hearts. yeah it was it had to be a you know wanted to go properly in depth and uh yeah i think we managed it i think we did an incredibly important topic justice yeah exactly right in many ways i view this episode as the charlie eccleshare origin story you'll learn a lot about him yeah a real insight to his brain yeah the long summer of 2002 well if that tempts you for just 5.99 a month you can sign up for dreamland and get ad-free listening of all of our episodes plus two episodes a month of Dreamland, our exclusive show.

26:28Charlie Eccleshare:Other things as well, just go to dreamland.footballcliches.com. Right, this next item came from Aaron Moss. It's from the highlights of the Saudi Pro League clash between Al Nasser and Al Khalid. Lee Hendry on co-coms, of course. And it's a straight red card. And I think it's been... Well, this... That one might get reviewed, but that's the one where I think it's a high foot and then... Oops. I mean, yes It's going to be a red for the I think the high-gevity of where he actually That actually might be my favourite ever Made up word in Co-Covidtry, Charlie High-gevity High-gevity is so good The mental gymnastics to get to high-gevity, Dave Are incredible What's he trying to go for?

27:15What's he Well, I think he wants to say Longevity, but just deploying it as a universal kind of device Yeah, but I think it's because he what he wants to say is just height, but I think he goes high and then thinks there's something else. I think he's going to say that highness, but then realises that highness means something else. And so he's kind of searching and sort of alights upon high-gevity and it's just absolutely incredible.

27:39Charlie Eccleshare:Yeah, you can't just chuck a highness around in Saudi Arabia, will you, Nilly? Exactly, yeah. So he's got the high-gevity, which has bounce-back ability potential, Dave. I can see it being introduced into Merriam-Webster's dictionary in the next two years. Oh, hijivity. Look at the hijivity. Yeah, how would Rebels start using it? It will enter the lexical. What we'll look at here is hijivity in the tackle.

28:08Charlie Eccleshare:Brilliant word. Right, next up, not a Euro snob on Reddit. Took us here with something on The Athletic the other day. The phrase runaway leaders deployed for Arsenal and Bayern Munich in their respective top flights. This was before the weekend, Charlie. So Arsenal were six points clear going into the weekend. Would you accept that after 11 games? I think that is a little bit. I don't think that's a big enough lead. I can't remember if we discussed last time as well, whether there's like a sliding scale. So, you know, where the number of games comes into it. Oh, I vaguely remember this. Yeah. So after 11 games, you want to be looking at a minimum of eight points, I would say, to be runaway leads.

28:49Runaway, yeah. Yeah. Up to that point, you're pace setters, right? Yeah, I think so. I mean, it's tricky though, isn't it? Because like you're obviously just trying to make the point that they are both, they're kind of like dominant leaders, isn't it? It's not quite runaway, but you want something just to make the point in the way, you know, if you're structuring it, that sentence in that way, that they're very much, you know, that they are, they're really in a strong position. but it's trying to find that right word and I don't know if we have an accepted one like Runaway that conveys that

29:20Charlie Eccleshare:Bayern extended their lead to 8 points after the weekend so that 12 games gone in the Bundesliga Dave I think that pushes them to the brink of Runaway leaders 8 points after 12 I think that is I think that's alright yeah that's a lot but also it does sort of feel when it's a team like Bayern it feels less remarkable that they are running away because it's what we expect I suppose. I do think it's broadly sort of team proof. It doesn't really matter who it is but I think Bayern are an exceptional case because, you know, 10 times out of the last 11 times they would have been runaway leaders at some point.

29:53Charlie Eccleshare:It's sort of like you're going look at them running they're running away with it and it's like, yeah, well it's Bayern, isn't it? They've got permission to do that, to run away with it. It's in the statutes. Coventry 10 points clear in the Championship after 18 games. Run away. Yeah, run away. They are now running away and they have, the last few weeks a couple of the teams beneath them have sort of fallen back. They really are running away. The 10-point buffer, that is running away, yeah. Yeah, you can't be done too many favours by the team sort of, you know, floundering beneath you. You do still have to be gathering pace.

30:22Charlie Eccleshare:They keep winning. They keep winning. Yeah, exactly. Right, World Cup draw this Friday, which annoyingly coincides with the football cliches Christmas do, Dave. We'll cover all the necessary and unnecessary bases next week on that. But it'll be good something to talk about in the pub, though, won't it, eh? Oh, yeah. Once I've finished doing my England pod livestream, dream i think on yeah 5 p.m on friday um but yeah i'm real deep in permutations this week we're going to be recording a pod uh before the draw to try and map out all the various possibilities and fifa are doing all sorts with the seeding and and all that sort of stuff and one specific permutation charlie is uh what the opening match of the tournament is going to be mexico will play in the opening match as the hosts but they can play one of a handful a big handful of teams in the first game norway egypt algeria scotland paraguay tunisia ivory coast uzbekistan qatar saudi arabia or south africa could all be their opponents in the opening game who who do you want from a televisual perspective who's who's the one to you two handfuls um scotland or ivory coast scotland would be that for me that i'd have the most interest in that like i'd really i'd care about the outcome in a way i don't think i whereas some of the others are yeah they're kind of fun Yeah, definitely.

31:39I think an African side, if not Scotland, like Norway. Norway, I guess, would have the kind of Haaland aspect. Mexico-Norway would be good, actually. I would take Mexico-Norway. But I think Mexico-Scotland would be my first choice. Watching Haaland potentially wilt in the heat, the dry heat of Mexico City.

31:57Charlie Eccleshare:I back him not to wilt in the first game, Dave, personally. Specimen that he is. Incredible wilt threshold for you. Just so cold in Norway. They're just not used to it. Scotland would obviously be good from a British point of view in terms of our interests. But I think from a FIFA point of view, I think they'd love it to be Egypt with Salah, probably. Oh, really? And Salah. That would be good. Mexico-Qatar seemed probably one of the sluggiest combinations, both in terms of just, like, not an attractive football game. But also, we've done that. We're moving on now. But Keyes, you'll love the handing over of the battle.

32:32Yeah, and wishing good luck to the boys.

32:34Charlie Eccleshare:Look after it. Look after it, Mexico. South Africa and Mexico would be a rematch of 2010 opener, right? Is that right? Yeah, I'm pretty sure South Africa. Shabalala was against Mexico, wasn't it? Yeah, that's right. Don't mind it, but also don't want it. Don't want the retrospectives, thank you very much. Yeah, Mexico-Algeria, Mexico-Tunesia, not for me. But yeah, some possibilities there. But we'll get stuck into the full draw and what it means for England and others next week. Ben Chilwell, exiled from Chelsea and their bomb squad, now at sister club Strasbourg in Ligue 1. gave an interview to the BBC at the weekend, Dave, and his little excerpt from it, Chilwell is learning French, even though all but two players in the squad speak English, and reeled off the fact that Strasbourg's cathedral was the world's biggest building until 1874.

33:22Do you think he's found that out via Wikipedia or he's actually gone to the cathedral and done a tour?

33:28Charlie Eccleshare:Yeah, he's read a plaque at the cathedral, surely. He's been to lots of 19th century buildings. Yeah, it was disappointing at Chelsea. They were honest with me, they just didn't see them. But did you know? Can you get this in? While we're on the subject. On the record. Just there, by the way, Adam, you mentioned leaving the Chelsea bomb squad. Have we discussed how bomb squad has been used as like finishers for Tuchel's England? Weird. That's weird. Like, where's that come from? Like, it's so established in football, the language of football as being how you've used it there. And then all of a sudden, it's just sort of going unchallenged by Tuchel.

34:03People just talking about it as if that's totally normal. It became a real thing in the last camp. Gabriel Clarke sort of ran with it. I think Chukul was asked about it in a press conference, yeah, about the subs and stuff coming off the bench in the first game in particular. And the reference was made to the South African rugby team using it, because obviously Finishes in rugby is a thing. And the South African rugby team referred to that group of players as the bomb squad, which obviously is very different to the way, as you say, Charlie, we would use it in football. But then all of a sudden, yeah, it's like everyone was just chucking it at Tuchel.

34:44And he sort of had to sort of go with it. But I was sitting there as well, Charlie, going, no, that's not the bomb squad, it's not. Yeah, exactly. This is like Adebayor at Spurs under Potch or something. It's very different. Yeah.

34:56Charlie Eccleshare:That could have been your Rob Shepard moment with Graham Taylor, couldn't it? We are waiting for that to happen, so that could have been it. But yeah, keep your powder dry, perhaps. Next up, this came from David Smith. Here is Ipswich Town Chairman Mark Ashton talking about a very unexpected conveyor belt of talent in Suffolk. And safety and security is of the utmost importance. And we're not perfect in that. There's challenges because I think, look, if you look at the stewards that are ITFC stewards, Neil McCluskey does a great job, runs the teams really well. And I get umpteen messages per game say how good, how helpful they are how they fit the culture but we are in an area in Suffolk where there is one football club which means there isn't a huge pool of homegrown stewards to recruit from so at times we have to go out to other agencies what an incredible way of putting it homegrown stewards where are the next generation of homegrown stewards going to come from this is amazing I just want to say to David Smith and others how much I'm loving these types of videos are being sent like the Sheffield Wednesday stuff this is amazing yeah Yeah, this is exactly the sort of level we want to be pitching at.

36:05Charlie Eccleshare:Dave, I suppose it is a problem. You do want your stewards to know the club, right? It is better if they know the club, you know, the exits. Yeah, I guess so. Certainly in that area, you don't want any stewards coming over the border from Norfolk, do you? That famed Celtic side of the 1960s when all the stewards were born within a few miles of Celtic Park. United haven't played a game without a homegrown steward. The jokes write themselves and it doesn't matter. Goldbridge is fuming. Stewards, not one homegrown steward. Chelsea in 1998 were the first Premier League club to have an entirely non-homegrown set of stewards on the perimeter of the pitch in the 89th minute.

36:45Charlie Eccleshare:Glamorous cosmopolitan selection of stewards. The League of Nations. Next up, Henry Price was watching the Only Scrans YouTube channel the other day. The latest episode visited Bradford's Valley Parade and the eateries surrounding it. And he says, good to see Dave subtly spreading the cliché's gospel. Here we go. The lamb chop. Smells delicious. It's proper. That's really good. It's not that spicy. These are delicious. You know they're good when they bring a smile to my weathered face. A real lamb chopman. this is chicken donno just chucking it in the fact that he just moved on amazing it doesn't miss a beat just keeps going completely washes over him that's really i'm glad someone's finally noticed chopsman is great i've been chucking them in just tremendous good to know good to know that we are the top priority in your brain at all times speaking of mutton dressed as a lamb that does remind me a bit like with my wife i will often say stupid things like that that will completely what like she's just learned to just completely ignore it or almost doesn't hear it so uh yeah relatable content there i still don't know what that way if you want to do it like and speaking of marriages or dysfunctional relationships or something no just keep all this in dave there's no way in it's time for keys and gray corner

38:39Charlie Eccleshare:right um a couple of clips for you from the great man here is richard keys right at the start of a big weekend of sport over in doha That's Doha, capital of the state of Qatar. And all eyes are on us this weekend. I mean all, from all over the world. It's amazing, isn't it, Andy? Down here, I think it's just coming in shortly. Coming in, the Sheraton. The Sheraton Hotel, which at one time was the tallest building in Qatar. I think it's seven stories high. Look at it now. Magnificent. Full of celebrity this weekend. and yeah, we are the capital, the sports capital of the world. Different parts of the world are not going to like me saying that too much, but it's true.

39:31Charlie Eccleshare:My favourite bit is just the way he delivers that first line, Charlie. Really odd, really sort of stilted manner. Yeah, I quite like the Andy Gray, yeah, at one point, just not really knowing what he can add, chucking that in. He's going a bit Ben Cheweld in the middle there. at one time the Sheraton was the tallest hotel in the world. A little dig into the doubters, of course. Why wouldn't there be? In the unedited version of this clip, Dave, Kesey's running through all the sports events that are happening in Doha in and around this weekend. The Formula One, the fact that the Under-17 World Cup had just finished, both of them congratulating Portugal, which is a nice touch.

40:07Charlie Eccleshare:And then he says the Arab Cup is about to start. And then Andy Gray just pops up with Algeria won it last year as well, didn't he? Yep. just chucking in the one bit of knowledge he has about the Arab Cup and the look on his face having delivered it was just so good. Fair play to them. They love it. They love it over there. Absolutely love it. But Keezy next on Liverpool's midweek issues and casting some serious aspersions on Virgil van Dijk. That's every game they've played this year including the Community Shield against Crystal Palace. Now I'll repeat what I said. I think if they lose tomorrow he's gone.

40:38He's gone. Yeah. I think he's got two big problems. Gone. Van Dijk and Salah have stopped playing for him. Yeah, I get that. I know what you've seen. Have stopped playing for him. Yeah. I've never, not since Keith Curl, and you'll understand this, I'm not going to say too much about it, but go all the way back to 1992, we went to Aston Villa with Manchester City. Correct. In a race for the title that Villa and Manchester United were in. We heard before the game started from the Villa dressing room, sorry, City dressing room, Villa would win the match. And if you remember, Keith Curl went up late on, handed the ball, just like Van Dyke did the other night.

41:10that is no impossible for an international defender to do that if he's concentrating and thinking about what he's doing maybe he was and there was an intent but no there's no that's ridiculous wow quite the accusation incredible just like kesey i mean it's quite a serious thing he's accusing him also um i love the van dyke uh pronunciation he's going with he's really you know put something into that

41:37Charlie Eccleshare:he's really big on his Dutch pronunciations at the moment actually Dave yeah hot on the heels of Peer Schve Fondyke Fondyke yeah I mean it is amazing that is an amazing allegation from Keezy I don't know if it has been reported or talked about elsewhere we heard before the game that Villa would win you mentioned that on Super Sunday did you I feel like not since Keith Curl is going to become an undercurrent Keezy catchphrase, because that was completely unexpected. In Keezy's defence, and I don't say this lightly, Charlie, the defender sticking his arm in the air at a corner to handle the ball is one of the weirder handballs, one of the weirder transgressions in football.

42:22Charlie Eccleshare:It's so weird that I feel like it shouldn't be given, because there must be an extreme reason for a defender to do that, and usually it's because they've been fouled. Otherwise, why would a defender put their arm in the air and handle the ball? That was very much Van Dijk's argument that he had been pushed. It is a really odd offence. It happens quite a lot. Yeah, unless they just panic sometimes, which I guess probably does explain some of them. Forget what they're doing. Oh, shit, I'm not playing in goal. Probably can't do that. Now, that is too much of a defence of Rich Keys there, isn't it?

42:53Charlie Eccleshare:Yeah, completely spurious claims, which we do not endorse on this podcast. Right, that's everything sorted. Thanks to you, Charlie Eccleshare. Thank you. Thanks to you, David Walker. Thank you. Thanks to everyone for listening. We'll be back with a bumper midweek adjudication panel on Thursday. See you then.

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