Fearing for Fulham, goal celebrations in the shower & the Repatriation of Richard Keys

29:09They were out of our cold dead hands. But this isn't just a woke nonsense situation, Dave. There's a cultural underpinning here. And the concept is that some people complained on the basis that streaking is basically out of fashion. So younger visitors won't sort of get the context of a naked woman being on a football pitch. It was a very 80s slash 90s thing. I mean, that's a reasonable point, I guess. Yeah, I mean, it definitely has gone out of fashion hugely. I think it's a shame Charlie's not here. I saw something pop up on Instagram the other day, which was like, maybe it was an anniversary or something, but it was a streaker from the Wimbledon final, I think in 95, between Krycek and Washington.

29:49And she was naked as well. She wasn't just topless. She had like a bit of a skirt around her midriff, but she basically had nothing on. And it is quite mad to think of that happening in the HD era that we're in. Like, it would look mad if that happened in the Premier League. And they probably wouldn't show it anyway. They cut away or whatever. But it just, yeah, it really has. Why has it gone? Is it security? Is there too many stewards now? I don't think it's happened in isolation, Jake. I just think sport is generally less tin pot in this country now. So just things like that just don't happen generally.

30:22Everything's just tighter and slicker now. Yeah. And I mean, what's that idiot guy that does like the kind of sneaks into the cricket team pictures and stuff like that? Carl Powers. Ah, Carl Powers. Carl Powers and Jarvo. Is there a modern version of him? I think there's a modern cricketman, yeah, who's kind of, yeah, hated because it's not a classy touch. So there is still kind of that kind of pranking stuff. But good old-fashioned streaking does appear to be out of fashion. I mean, that's what it would be, actually, wouldn't it? You'd end up talking about it on Screen World because there'd be some sort of, there'd be an influencer.

30:54There are sort of, there are kind of, you know, you see these girls who are kind of football adjacent, only fans types. And that's probably the closest thing we've got to it. but one of them at some point will just get their tits out and run onto the pitch i guess well the problem is it won't just be a good old-fashioned case of streaking for streaking stake there will be some kind of like uh like betting market thing attached to it or like a cryptocurrency well this is it like you can't be an only fans sort of artiste and and and just do streaking that's like putting out a dreamland episode for free like that's not getting sponsored It makes no commercial sense whatsoever.

31:30Over to the transfer market now, David Walker. Mohamed Salah has signed for Trabzonspor, which has raised eyebrows because it doesn't look quite as sort of seismic or satisfying a move for Mo Salah. They're in the Europa League playoffs as well. Their squad includes Southampton flop Paul Onowachu, 6 '7", Sidney Lopez Cabral of World Cup fame, and John Lundstrom of Sheffield United. Sort of promotion fame. FPL hero. They've got Andre Inanna as well on loan from United. When I saw this pop up last night, I was instantly struck by how unsatisfying an end this is potentially to his career. Because you could sort of understand the Saudi thing.

32:13If he was going to go to Saudi and just get... I thought it was nailed on. Kesey says it was nailed on. But he's not even... I mean, forgive me if I'm insulting the Trapsbonz boar here, but they're not one of the absolute giants, are they? He's not gone to Galatasaray, Fenerbahce, Besiktas. They're big, but not big, big. Yeah, they're certainly of substance. Dean Saunders was on TalkSport Jake, sort of expressing his dismay at Salah joining Trapsbonz Sport. But he caveated it with, you know, I played in Turkey. My son was born there, which is always like a weird, like a weird sort of act of support for a country.

32:47that's just that just happened dean you didn't fly over to amazing for your wife to give birth did you oh unless like he's kind of done a like the inverse you know when like kind of i think rodri's son has got like an english name maybe there's a memet saunders running around maybe i don't know yeah that's such a good choice of maybe i love that that's not anything is it yeah your son was born there because you lived there like it would be more be more interesting if your son was born in england at that point yeah i can't get over memet saunders sorry I've done yeah I think it shows it probably highlights how me and mine and Dean Saunders kind of working knowledge of the hierarchies of Turkish football are way out of date I think because like yeah clearly they've got the money although this does feel a little bit like spending all your FPL money on ones do you know what I mean and getting to the end going oh I've not got quite enough for a goalkeeper yeah it is a strange move I don't really know how that one will pan out but that's an ex-livable player on to another one Dave someone wrote in with this clip from Talk Sport.

33:45They were talking about Trent Alexander-Arnold's future at Real Madrid. We're taking your calls about Trent Alexander-Arnold. Look, not a great first season for him at Real Madrid. Now Jose Mourinho has come in. He's signed Denzel Dumfries. What does that mean for Trent Alexander-Arnold? Would you take him at your club? 03717223344. Let's go to the phone lines now. Let's start with Eddie, Liverpool fan. Eddie, look, he left Liverpool under a cloud, but would you have him back considering the disaster right now at right-back? I'll pick him up and drop him off myself. Back to Liverpool. Yeah. All day long.

34:18We need him. Jake, the letter spotted, pick him up myself and bring him back. Amazing. That's so good. I mean, it doesn't work quite as well. Is he saying he'd fly out to Madrid himself, pick him up from the training ground, bring him back to the airport, accompanying him on the flight? Or is he just saying he'll get him from the airport, Liverpool end? Because otherwise, most of the burden's still on Trent there. That's incredibly crucial detail. Did he specify a car? I don't know if he did actually. That was very forward of me to just assume he was going to drive the entire way, pick him up and bring him back.

34:47Maybe he will just pick him up from John Lennon Airport. That would make more sense. Take the fiver for, you know, the charge for standing by to pick him up. Yeah. Oh, sorry, Trent. I've actually got something on this afternoon. I can book you an Uber though. Where are you? Where are you stood? Just get the train, Trent. But yeah, Dave, lovely to see the converse here than the usual. It's good to see this sort of sub-genre alive and well. Yeah. This is like a rescue mission, isn't it? Rather than him being exiled. Yeah, like a heist. Yeah, very much so. Over to an Athletic article now, Dave. Now, the Athletic has a substantial American readership, which we're all very mindful of in our editorial approach.

35:29And it manifested itself in a very unexpected way in the comments section underneath an article headlined Liverpool set to table opening bid for PSG's Bradley Barcola. someone wrote wow just learn to table in the uk basically means the opposite of what it means in the us um yeah loads of people realizing that in the us to table means to set something aside and not take action on it it means to essentially withdraw an offer in in this particular context so this headline completely threw loads of american readers and what a lovely little microcosm of the battle the grammatical battle between us and uk sport well do they not have they not place offers on tables in u.s sports the contracts not being slid across desks that specific verb means to yeah not do something apparently to table it put i guess it just means to put it on a table and set it aside but um but this is a another strand of a summer long cultural thing the new yorker jake did an entire piece um headlined british grammar invades the american world cup which is an incredible headline really but the whole piece by zach healthend in the new yorker was about the very specific thing um that we pluralize our sports teams and americans don't and the whole thing was about that and it got itself into a massive existential crisis about it i see both sides of the argument but it's just weird isn't it the way they do things yeah and and um it uh i i think it it it maybe it's provoked a bit of an existential crisis for them because it it sounds so much weirder when you like un-pluralize the teams because it makes it de-personal.

37:05I did hear as well that in a kind of, because it's so, that thing is so anathema to like European or British listeners, that when they do NFL coverage on Sky, they no longer refer to them as franchises, apparently, because it's like the American word, but they call them clubs, which is a kind of lesser used word, but like much more kind of acceptable, palatable to British ears. And it's like, I think once that enters in, it's like, oh, wait, these are like things that mean something to people. They're not just like a depersonal kind of shopping unit that can be moved around from city to city at our whim.

37:38That would provoke a bit of a like, oh, are we the bad guys? That's a bit of a like, that moment, I think. I don't think I'd like that, though. If I was watching the NFL, as I sometimes do, I don't want them to be referred to as clubs. They're not clubs. Don't make it football-y. Fair enough. I think that, yeah, the NFLsmen at Sky have clearly, they've got market research, David, suggests you're in a minority. Fair play. I do quite like, I think actually thinking about it, like the use of tabled in that context is actually, it does make a bit of sense sort of in like everyday life. Have you seen my sunglasses anywhere?

38:12Oh, you tabled them the other day, didn't you? Sure they were there? Where are they? That's a good verb. It's a very efficient verb. Yeah, I tabled it. I tabled it. It's on the side. I sided it. Anyway, this episode is brought to you in association with NordVPN. For those who don't know, VPN stands for Virtual Private Network. It secures your connection, protecting your personal information and online activity, especially on public Wi-Fi. A VPN can also make your phone or laptop appear as if it's in another country, which is great for accessing content while travelling. Indeed, over to Brazil we go now, where their TNT Sports franchise reported on the ultimate footballing fraud, Kazuyoshi Miura, the world's oldest professional footballer, scoring his first goal in nearly four years at the age of 59 for Japanese third-tier side Fukushima United.

39:00Now, we're all familiar, Jake, with the concept of when a really young player does something, the headlines are always, well, what were you doing when you were 17? But in this one, in Brazilian Portuguese, they wrote, what will you be doing at 59? I love the way that they've turned it around. This is class. Nice, yeah. they've um they've uh they've asked you the question not to it's kind of similar to the world cup discussion as well isn't it like what what could you be doing i did enjoy as well you guys discussion the other day of like could you play for the england over 75s um and that maybe that that did give me a burst of like maybe i could i don't know maybe i should start like getting fit now i can stop drinking now and i could be an england international one day it's a tricky one for the ego that one because you just actually had to forecast your ability in 30 years time it was really difficult yeah and or and crucially when you might die as well

39:52do you think they'd let you play at 74 if you were diagnosed with a terminal illness but you're still in good enough shape to play come on it's a one-year deal at best get me on the plane yeah anyway if you want to try nordvpn for yourself go to nordvpn.com slash cliches and our link will also give you four extra months on the two-year plan it's the best discount available there's no risk with Nord's 30-day money-back guarantee, and the link is also in our podcast description if you need it. We'll be back very shortly.

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41:41Sports Social Podcast Network.

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42:20Oh, look at that. That is wonderful.

42:27Welcome back to Football Clichés. Dreamland episode 29 is in the pipeline. it will be all things pre-season which Dave thematically will be will I promise be completely different from watching football on holiday it's a completely different concept isn't it yeah yes and is this football all things pre-season more like less about us more about the game oh absolutely yeah yeah yeah taking pre-season as a footballing concept so get in touch if you want to feature in that one for just£5.99 a month you'll get ad-free listening of all of our episodes plus two episodes a month of Dreamland lots of other things as well just go to dreamland.footballcliches.com Now, Dylan Cosentino emails in next, Jake.

43:09He says, I noticed this when reading an article about rugby player Chesling Colby and I thought it was interesting how I'd never heard the he scores goals at training that no one else can applied to other sports. Here's the full quote. For his size too, a lot of the good small guys, they just throw themselves into everything and they're so strong and powerful. It doesn't matter if he's affecting a clean out, making a tackle, but the way he can jink, he scored tries at training where you just go, no one else scores these i've never seen tries like it that's so weird in rugby isn't it it does feel like it doesn't translate at all yeah because it's hard to imagine like a fully individualized effort in rugby training do you know i mean like how often are they playing full 15 because i think it's like to score a try at training that no one else can it's like i've run from my own yeah try line i don't know whatever to the other end of the pitch right it's like in the way that you that you they would talk about it for a volley or a or a like slaloming run or whatever so so yeah that feels highly unlikely I don't like it I mean also in football training Dave the other team might not be trying like it might be sort of half pace but a good finish is still a good finish but in rugby training like if the other team aren't basically chasing you and battering you to the ground is a good try still a good try I mean they and there's only compared to football where there are there are multiple different ways of kicking the ball multiple different techniques volleys curling it outside the boot in step etc acrobatics heading plenty of stuff you can do and skills and all that with rugby yes you can i mean basically you're running you're just running over the line and yes you can do that in terms of like skillfully avoiding the opponents yeah and if there's passing involved that's not just you as well is it yeah it's like that's a team team try I guess we scored tries at training that no one else can score but there's not so many ways you can score a try surely I share Dylan Cosentino's sort of fascination here I've just never heard it for another sport before and it completely blew my mind you can boot it up in the air can't you and catch it yourself yeah you do that maybe he's like doing that over every player or something that's the nearest to a wonder goal in training in football yeah I quite like that I think if you're doing that every training session someone's going to have a word in your shell after that can you stop doing that it doesn't happen that often in games oh it's ungentlemanly yeah brett hewitt emails in next dave he says the other day it hit me that i've been referring to callum turner as dual leap as callum turner in the same way that people say frank lampard's coventry considering the extensive turner leaper discussion on previous episodes i figured i'd share i mean i don't know i suppose he is like it is the same phenomenon isn't it leaper is bigger than turner in the same way that frank lampard is more newsworthy than coventry on an average day.

45:49For now. Yeah. If he gets the Bond gig, then the whole thing could be flipped on its head. I'm unashamedly fascinated by them as a couple, Jake. They're so high level. Yeah. It's the best couple this country has produced. It's like a striker. Like, we've finally got another Harry Kane or we finally produced a good ball-playing centre-back. It's like, this country hasn't been producing good couples and finally we have. Yeah, when are we going back to? When's the last one? Posh and Bex. I don't know. What are we feeling with? They're problems. There was obviously well-publicised issues there. Yeah.

46:19So I don't know who were the last properly strong couple. And I mean, now seeing all Hollywood couples as well in the power dynamics. Yeah, I vouch for that. That's up there. But now seeing all Hollywood couples in the power dynamics of who's who. Do you know what I mean? I mean, you look at Tom Holland, your Zendaya's. I think that he's probably Zendaya's Tom Holland, I think, just about. But I don't know. Maybe the Odyssey's changed that. She does. Yeah, no, she she I think she is the dominant force in the relationship, even though I think weirdly I was having a discussion about this the other day.

46:49I think he's probably made more money than her. Well, that's a separate conversation. Yeah, yeah. Because of the whole thing. She can have the possessive. He gets the cash. Yeah. That's fine. Because of the whole thing. Yeah, I don't know. Next up, Jordan Newfield writes in, Jake, and says, after the news that Sainsbury's have agreed a deal to sell Argos for 120 million, is it a bit mad that Morgan Rogers is worth only three million less than Argos? I'm so well put. You think of the amount of real estate that the Argos is taking up. That is a really stark comparison. Yeah, the very funny comedian Rob Morgan did a really funny sketch as well about how Argos were being misplayed or misplaced by Sainsbury's.

47:33And that would apply to Morgan Rogers as well. We're going to be talking about that in under two months, how him and Cole Palmer can't play together. So, yeah, there is a lot of comparisons. I mean, I suppose it does feel like a bit of a bit. Obviously, I mean, Sainsbury's paid over a billion for them about 10 years ago, Dave, so they've made a huge loss on this. But Argos still doesn't feel like a knackered brand to me in the same way that some of the other high street, you know, like BHS or whatever, you know, all the kind of Mike Ashley kind of dreck. This Argos still has kudos to me. It's evolved quite well and it does.

48:03It gets you out of a tight spot now and again. If there's something that you need. Yeah, definitely. Click and collect same day. And it will be there. You can get it same day. Exactly. Yeah. But it is bleak going into the same day to do it. But also, I went to a standalone one to buy an emergency memory card for a screen rock show in Glasgow. And they still had the paper catalogs to flick through. And I thought, that's Tim Poth. Wow. It's got to be a flat screen now. Not even laminated. Wow. Your belly. Jesus. Get it out of here. Yeah. Speaking of Sainsbury's, Dave, Robin Cowan writes in. In Sainsbury's yesterday, there was a bloke in a PSG training top.

48:37white socks sliders and shorts with one of the legs pulled up I gave him the benefit of doubt but saw him again down another aisle it was still rolled up like he'd pulled a hammy or was about to take a free kick unacceptable do you think this has now become like a widespread affectation the pulling up one leg of shorts how far how far is this short pulled up all the way up I would suggest at a guess the inside will be near the groin and the outside will be even further up the hip it will be at an angle I find this a weird thing you do see this a lot like after the games in like big world cups or games or finals when the players are really lingering on the pitch.

49:10I'm pretty sure some of the Spain players when they went to collect the trophy had their shorts pulled up. Do you not realise how ridiculous this looks? It looks like you're wearing a fucking nappy, mate. I've definitely done it. Jake, I've done it in gym shorts and I'm not saying it feels good but there's something about it that makes you want to do it. I don't know why. GQ have done a story in this. Of course the Athletic have done a long read on this. which confirms its status as a phenomenon. Yes. I think it's just any one of those things. It's just like once a cool person starts doing it, the meme of it becomes...

49:46It's like, I think, I remember for me growing up, it was night gloves with short-sleeved shirt. I think fundamentally that looks bad, but when someone cool does it, it looks good and then it kind of transposes into your life. But crucially, only one leg. It's like wearing one earring. It's that symmetry that makes it a thing, I think. Yeah, that's true. And I suppose that is kind of categorically different to the Alexis Sanchez after 60 minutes, both legs. Alexis Sanchez, Cristiano Ronaldo, less cool. Elite level, but less cool fundamentally. Declan Rice taking a corner, cool. Yeah, that's true.

50:22I mean, again, I've seen it done at many Power League games and I may have even done it myself. You need the right sort of tension in the shorts or just a big enough thigh. Either works. Do you think, I mean, you know, if this trend continues to go to its absolute end point, in the same way that the Cameroon shirt in 2002, whatever they tried to do without any sleeves, may we see a football team playing a friendly in trunks, in briefs? FIFA got bigger fish to fry, I imagine, right now. Or maybe some kind of detachable situation. So Declan could go over to the corner flag. Let's whip that bottom part of the short off.

51:02No worries about that. Then you pop it back on afterwards. Again, I think FIFA would step in, but it's worth a go. I mean, there is a theory that it's a set-piece signal, Jake. It's a bit like putting your arm in the air. Yeah, but Nicholas Hover has got a lot to answer for. Mike Gibson got in touch next. He says, I was just watching Gardner's World from RHS Flower Show at Sandringham, and one of the presenters just said this. about being inside the floral marquee.

51:31There's a real electric atmosphere in here. You can just feel how excited people are to get to the plants. Dave, could you have an electric atmosphere at a flower show? I mean, it is an enclosed space. It lends itself more to having the roof lifted off it if something happens. The atmosphere is fever pitch down here at the Chelsea Flower Show. One of those historic nights under the tarp at the Chelsea Flower Show. As with many items on this podcast, Jake, I had to consider to myself, is this punching down? I thought, all right, Chess Flower Show at Sandringham, I think we're okay here. But is there a welcome to hell of flower shows then?

52:13Like, is there an Istanbul flower show? Yeah. Cutting off the heads of flowers as you walk in. yeah i mean there would be bags of manure lying around for legitimate reasons there so you could be throwing them around yeah that's what's the toughest away day on the flower show electric atmosphere i mean yeah yeah people of a certain ilk do get excited for flowers and that's get over to the to holland total flowering over there with all the tulips absolute tulips yes i'd listen to a screenwriter episode on gardener's world jake have you ever considered this Jacob trying to find a seedy angle to Alan Titchmarsh would be good.

52:50Yeah, how can Jacob link back Monty Don to the reform party? Yeah, we'll find out. Monty Don's got quite the hinterland. He might be worth digging into. Might be worth the go. Yeah. Now, listeners may recall us talking about Joe Hart breaking his silence about that ball boy incident at the 2014 World Cup. Well, Humble Inside 2221 on Reddit says, I'd noticed something that sounded familiar in the first episode of House of the Dragons new season, so I had to investigate. No! No! Give it a fucking ball! No! Open the fucking door! No! No! Give it a fucking ball! Give it a fucking ball! He says, Dave, they are so similar in how they sound that I almost think Emma Darcy's studied Joe Hart's video for this scene.

53:38I mean, they are incredibly similar. The cadence. is spot on. Yeah. Wow. Quite the roar in both cases, Jake. A great delivery. Yeah, I dropped out of House of the Dragon after two episodes, but if you could guarantee me a reference to the England World Cup campaign of 2014 in every episode, then I might be back in. What an inspiration that would be. Me and my mates did, hey, hey, give me the fucking ball at like every five-a-side game since. That has become a meme in our French group. It's so good to, every time I hear it, it's just, it's a lovely piece of stuff. ferocious. Are you kicking the side of the power league hoardings as well at the same time?

54:15There's so much opportunity to do it when the ball flies out, actually. Nice deviation from the usual five people thanking them simultaneously for throwing the ball over.

54:26Moses Fofofo writes in next day, he says, I was having a shower today and while shampooing my hair felt it would be a waste to rinse the excess suds off my hands so I tucked them into my armpits a la Kylian Mbappe's celebration so i pose to you and the lads what goal celebrations have the best practical use in a non-footballing context can we just first dwell on the image of that yeah look look listen despite being a hairless man up top i have also you know faced these the suds dilemma and used them on my armpits to use them up because i don't want to waste them either that's so good i mean how long has he got his hands under his armpits for you you've got to start rubbing them otherwise yeah Yeah, you're not making full use.

55:07And you also need to like sort of, it's not just the hands though, is it? It's the hands and then it's sort of just sort of self-satisfied. Yeah, the shrug. Going backwards a bit. Yeah, yeah. And if you do the jump, you're going to slip in the shower. Exactly. Yeah, you can't be suing in the shower. You're in big trouble. Yeah, if you had the twist, you are fucked. Oh, how did you do your ACL? I was doing a sue in the shower. Don't bother with the second question. Let's just dwell on the shower and buffet. Thank you, Moses Fofofo.

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57:24Alex Gibson writes in next, Jake. And this is just an example of, it's just great to see other subcultures operating in the way that Clichés does. This is from the mountaineering subreddit and a post that read, what is the most mountain looking mountain in the world? What a threat. Has it got the answers? I mean, some of the answers are just truly sincere. This isn't a banterous subreddit by the looks of it. First response was K2 and Matterhorn. Dead. That's it. 463 likes. So immediately approved. Someone said these two came immediately to mind for me. and someone said there's something about cone volcanoes like fuji taranaki fuji's that really tickle my but they count as mountains they're more volcanoes though i didn't even know fuji was a cone volcano so i'm yeah i'm i'm i'm definitely matterhorn and fuji were straight in with a bullet there for me yeah um but yeah great great to see that the they're an enthusiast in a walk of life even in the mountaineering community the person that nominated fuji taranaki or kotopaxi dave says they're not formidable from a climbing sense but the symmetry and pronunciation from the surrounding landscape makes them very visually striking someone replied yeah they've got that jut factor that's this is so good it's just so good to see that we think about things in the same way that so many other people do after all i'm amazed i'm just scanning the thread here there are wow there's a lot of mountains out there who knew but the usernames in there c eccleshare are there yeah i was thinking about this the other day yeah i mean is one of these what's the deal with Everest?

58:55Is that like Peter Kay there? Is it multiple mountains? Or is it one mountain? Everest? Yeah. That's the one I believe. It's part of it's in the Himalayas right isn't it? Oh yeah. Big time. Very much so. But no one's that's the thing no one's no one's gone for Everest in this thread. I know. Is that too obvious? I think there's limited jut factor that's the problem because it's kind of, it's in the range. I think a lot of the ones they're talking about there is standalone mountains. It's your standalone mountains, your Fugees. It's a very mountain-y looking mountain Everest, to be fair. It does depend what angle you look at it from.

59:32But yeah, it can be quite formidable. But anyway, speaking of towering, formidable characters, it's time for Keys and Grey Corner.

59:54Ford Super Sunday.

59:59What a Keys and Grey Corner we've got for you today. I am branding it, Jake, Keys' Repat Summer. He's back for good and back with an absolute bang. I mean, where do we begin here? I want to begin with his tweet from the other night, out in Kensington with a glass of white, not rosé this time, and wearing an incredible outfit, a matching what looks like linen, sort of snooker green outfit with white t-shirt. Sage green, I would say. Sage is a great shout. It is sage green. With sage green glasses as well, sort of tucks into his t-shirt, but swapping them for Bono style sunglasses. So orange with black rims.

1:00:42What a look, Jake. Yeah, Keezy's gone boohoo man. I never could have thought. Like he could be getting a brand deal with, yeah, with Boohoo soon. Like, I mean, there's been a lot of chat about the kind of influence of his new wife over the aesthetic of Keezy. And if you compare the famous video of his guitar house tour with his kind of all white South Kensington Des Rez, it is very much chalk and cheese. But this was a real like, yeah, he looks great. He looks fantastic. Thanks to the guys at Giacomo. Top operators. top operators at Giacomo. It's not Giacomo. It's not Boo Hoop Man. Now, come on.

1:01:19But Dave, do you think there are days where he wakes up and just reaches for a polo shirt, turns the collar up, and she walks in and goes, no, no, Richard. Definitely not. He's been styled. There's no question about that. But under that post, Dave, an incredible slew of Richard Keyes replies to all comers trying to fire arrows at him. And he was repelling them with absolute elan. One of my favourite was someone said, are you unwell? and he says, no, I'm unleashed.

1:01:49All the others are completely unrepeatable, but that was my favourite. I'm unleashed. Amazing. And that kind of does sum up his existence at the moment. Here are a series of videos detailing his July slash August. Here he is touching down in London on presumably Qatar Airways for the final time. Silly, really. I've landed here so many times down the years. But this one, this one is very special. Hold on.

1:02:24Well done, Captain. Whoa. Done.

1:02:33Done. Thanking the captain, congratulating the captain, Dave, for the actually quite heavy landing, I'll be honest. Yeah, amazing. It took me a little while when first watching this video to work out what was going on because he's sitting facing the opposite way that you would do in a plane. But he's in business, isn't he? So he's facing, you know, that's why. That's okay, isn't it? Exactly, that's what it is. He's not in cattle class. But I love the fact that, you know, he waited until we touched down. Like in his head, he was B-in until the second the wheels touched tarmac. Diplomatic immunity.

1:03:10i mean this has got so i've told you you have to put it on airplane mode he's doing this he's doing this as they touch down it's just yeah i would have put money on him kissing the tarmac as he comes down yeah oh jesus well i didn't contemplate that at all but yeah so he's he's celebrating the big moment so this is the last time he'd come back from doha after settling what he described as a torturous process of exiting his properties and things like that. Anyway, here he is safely back in his Kensington back garden wishing a formal goodbye to the Middle East. So a quick update. I've been reading Instagram and haven't for some time, so apologies to everybody that's left.

1:03:56I mean, I couldn't get through them. I'm both really surprised and happy to read so many kind comments. When you live in a world, as I have done, that the Daily Mail create around you, sometimes you start to believe that narrative. I saw Paul Dacre recently at the end of the Harry Court case talking about their robust journalism. The reason I think for the silence during the... Well, partly, I know, being paid me to stay quiet, sit in the garden, because they didn't want me to work for anybody else during the World Cup. But grateful, enormously grateful, still, to everybody in Qatar. I've had a ball.

1:04:39It's been a wonderful, wonderful period of my life. I've made many, many good friends. I will never have anything other than good things to say about that country, about that region, which is deeply misunderstood by many, many people. I chuffed to bits again. The phone hasn't stopped and I've had a succession of offers, some that I wouldn't consider others, that have stopped me in my tracks. Right, this is great. This is a great start to the next chapter, Dave. First of all, what were these golden handcuffs preventing him from doing during the World Cup? Who was offering him the host gig during the World Cup?

1:05:16Be in Thailand or whatever, you know, the Far East branch. Which, secondly, Jake, the implication now that after 13 years, he's now a scholar on the Middle East as a whole. And I feel like he could bring out a series of books or a podcast series about the Middle East and how misunderstood it is. Yeah, that deeply misunderstood little region, which he has explored to its depths. He's explored it from one end of his gated community to the other end of the B in studio. It's remarkable. Channel 5 series of Keezy touring the Middle East. Would he go back? Unfinished business. God, yeah. Anyway, so he was back.

1:05:56And he's not solo, of course. Here's Kesey reminding us of Andy Gray's existence in the only way he knows how. Direction of the world's worst penalty shootout. But have a look at this one. Rochdale-Tramere Carabao Cup qualifier from yesterday. I won't spoil it, but I would have scored. I guarantee you I would have scored. I was just about to say so would Andy but you give him the ball and tell him to put it on the spot he'd shit himself and there's a story there we'll tell you that at some point going forward that is such a classic reference to Andy Gray from Kesey basically sort of throwing in a completely unexpected swear word Jake and and then telling us it's a story for another day there are so many Andy Gray stories for another day in Kesey's mind I suspect and I think he's unaware of his like by saying he'd shit himself with that level of abruptness it's it's like it's a really serious story do you know what i mean it's like he had a nervous breakdown when asked to take one for you know it's like you can't you've got to match the tone with the possibility of the anecdote i was also struck by watching this one and it's he the the unbranded baseball cap is in all of them and it is giving a bit of like logan roy from succession it's a bit of that vibe to him.

1:07:11Do you know what I mean? He's unleashed after all. I think he got them in a pair, Dave. There was a blue one and a pink one, and he matches them with whatever outfit he's wearing at the time, so it was blue on blue there. It is weird seeing Keezy. It's like he's gone solo. Where is Andy? Are we ever going to see Andy again? I suspect we might. I think maybe he's tying up his own loose ends, but yeah, we won't see him on Instagram stories anytime soon, I imagine. But yeah, Keezy for now is holding his own. Andy's Andrew Ridgely. Keezy's George Michael. Yeah, someone likened him to George Michael in that outfit the other day.

1:07:41He said, don't mind that beautiful man. Right, let's hot things up now with the last couple of clips. Here's Kesey on Gianni Infantino once again, but with a textbook segue at the end. But he's not wrong on Infantino. I've been saying this. The fella is an absolute disgrace, clearly motivated by Trump in this latest charade that he's put in front of us all. It's failed. now he has to fail for Nasser Al-Khalifi my old boss at being I don't know I mean he's got so much on his plate Nasser I'm not saying he couldn't and he'd be a very good chair but whether he's got the time I I I don't know um in the meantime I haven't yet had a tickle of the beard a cup of tea on the table and uh oh Richarlison fuck off fuck off you know holding a club like Spurs to ransom no out of nowhere zero context that's one of the best things about seeing these videos from it is like you're you're watching the blog process in real time yeah yeah the segues it's all there just it's just a par break for him isn't it jake yeah oh yeah just like i love the the kind of like all right i've got my four bullet points here infantino or three bullet points infantino's a disgrace my old pal nasa could do it but he's got a lot on and then he's about he's about to press end end instagram story oh no i've got to get this in but i'm not gonna watch time richarlison fuck off such a good delivery as well so yeah so the long qatar goodbye has been completed he's back he stopped telling us he's back he's getting back to business here he is on topical lecture duty.

1:09:26Morning Hyde Park on the way to my Pilates class and then into the office. I wanted to take you back to March the 26th when Saudi ownership of Newcastle United issued a statement denying Tying my claim that they'd lost interest in the football club.

1:09:54Well I wasn't wrong was I? And their claims that they were going to continue to back Eddie Howe, that money would be spent, squad would be strengthened. I think they're lying tatters don't they? a couple of other things Kai Havertz Kai Havertz no you're not going to win everything it's never been done Kai a quadruple and there's a reason for that it can't be I don't know what or how you got cornered and suggested that that was on Arsenal's agenda yeah fine set out to win them all but don't tell everybody that's not a particularly really good idea. I mean, two things, Jake. First of all, the use of the phrase lies in tatters, which very few people use in normal conversation if they're not newsreaders.

1:10:49So that's great to see. And also just reverting to his classic trademark habit of addressing people by their first name, even though they're not listening, and lecturing them on something they may or may not have claimed, in this case, Kai. I mean, yeah, you just simply do not hear the phrase lies in tatters enough in day-to-day life. Did he say you could call him Guy Havertz? Are you thinking of Guy Havard? He used to be. I think he used to be. That didn't cross my mind at all. That's superb. I was wondering if he was thinking of that. But yeah, and again, like Dave, you're so right. This is like the blog was just a transcription of the four ideas in his head.

1:11:29And like, this is it again. A couple of other things. Straight on to Guy Havard talking about winning the quadruple. Yeah, just so good. But I think the walk and talk adds something quite ominous to it as well. Like he's charging off to Pilates, but before then he's got to get a few opinions. A tantalising allusion there to the office. Yes. Where's the office? What's the setup? Is he just got like a little office in a co-working space? Is he, where is it? Where is this office? Yeah, a couple of clocks, London, Mecca time on the other one. I mean underrated aspect of that right at the start Dave where he just says Hyde Park like he's in Mission Impossible they've got the location at the bottom of the screen I'm amazed he didn't give the coordinates

1:12:17Richard Keys Hyde Park London in many ways it will be Mission Impossible for him just yeah you know I feel like we do need to bookend his summer and start thinking about his proper return because as soon as the season starts, he's going to be back in action and we're going to see the next chapter. So, you know, the weeks are ticking by. Yeah, this is not the calm before the storm, but there is definitely something more coming, isn't it, down the tracks? Yeah, he says the blog's coming back, by the way. His website's all over the shop. It was down, now it's back up, but there's only blogs up until about mid-2023.

1:12:50So either he's doing some sort of legal-inspired trimming or something's gone disastrously wrong with the algorithm on his website. But we'll find out soon enough. Thanks to you, Jake Farrell. Thanks for having me. Thanks to you, David. Walker. Thank you. Thanks to everyone for listening. We'll be back on Tuesday. See you then.

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