In short
Football Clichés episode 550 mixes pre-season prediction-market talk with “cliché” adjudication segments, then runs through transfer gossip, media/streaming plugs, and a “ladder” trivia game. Key themes include goalkeeping/goal commentary catchphrases, language quirks in sports (“out on his feet”), and transfer-name mythology around Dusan Vlahović.
Guest backgrounds
No external guests appear in the transcript. The hosts are Adam Hurry, Charlie Eccleshare, and David Walker (the “true OGs”).
Key claims
Calci is described as a prediction market with no house, where users trade probabilities in and out. Gary Taphouse’s “brilliantly done” is argued to be a specific, repeatable commentary device for neat penalty-box finishes. The episode tallies David Seaman’s chuckles during a Sky Sports Lord’s cricket/goalkeeping segment, landing on 52.
Notable examples
QPR goalkeeper P.S. Charles fumbles vs Millwall (Luke Cundall capitalises); “brilliantly done” examples for Akachukwu/Raksaki/Kamara; David Seaman’s “favourite save” (Paul Peschisolido vs Sheffield United); Dusan Vlahović linked to Besiktas and various Premier League clubs; “Meet the Owens” (Michael Owen) on Amazon Prime; “Happy Hunting Grounds” ladder trivia (e.g., Paul Wilkinson scoring for Palace vs Middlesbrough, and Adama Traoré scoring vs West Ham).
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOFootball Moments and Commentary
0:42 to 1:06
The hosts delve into memorable football commentary and moments.
“You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome, that's new.”
Football Moments and Commentary
1:35 to 2:46
The hosts delve into memorable football commentary and moments.
“He's around the goalkeeper, he's done it!”
Introducing the Hosts
2:49 to 3:21
The hosts introduce themselves and engage in light banter.
“Hello, everyone, and welcome to the 550th episode of Football Clichés.”
Solar Eclipse Glasses Saga
3:21 to 6:39
A humorous story about managing solar eclipse glasses among neighbors.
“Dave's player-manager exploits have strong, eccentric owner of an obscure Balkan club energy, I have to say.”
Goalkeeping Gaffes and Commentary Styles
6:39 to 9:29
Discussion on goalkeeping errors and unique commentary phrases.
“Yeah, yeah, that's a nice addition to the catalogue.”
Analysis of 'Brilliantly Done'
9:29 to 10:43
The hosts analyze the phrase 'brilliantly done' in football commentary.
“Like you do sort of need to be an expert to know how to do that.”
David Seaman's Cricket Appearance
10:43 to 14:03
Discussion about David Seaman's cricket commentary and performance.
“Next up, Gavin Cooney says, an Irish commentator on RTE's coverage of the European Swimming Championships described a victorious swimmer as being out on his feet.”
David Seaman's Chuckles: A Countdown
14:03 to 15:09
The hosts discuss David Seaman's chuckles during a recent segment, making predictions about the count.
“Really, there are only so many things apparently that you can ask David Seaman, but that's by the by.”
Segment Breakdown: Chuckles and Wicketkeeping
15:10 to 18:17
The conversation dives into a segment featuring David Seaman's performance as a goalkeeper and the atmosphere in the segment.
“Could well end up being in the middle, but let's find out.”
The Nature of Seaman's Chuckles
18:18 to 21:19
Discussion on the nature of David Seaman's chuckles and how they reflect his personality and experiences.
“It's great to have a North London legend.”
Show all 29 chapters
Age and Skill: David Seaman's Legacy
21:20 to 22:38
Speculation on how David Seaman would perform today and his enduring presence as a goalkeeper.
“The percentage of my life I have spent editing together montages of David Seaman chuckling.”
Dusan Vlaovic: Transfer Rumors and Career
22:39 to 26:37
The hosts discuss Dusan Vlaovic's transfer rumors and his presence in the football media landscape.
“I think you're getting nowhere near him and he'd be terrified.”
Fabrizio Romano's Future in Football
26:38 to 28:00
Discussion on Fabrizio Romano's potential career shifts beyond transfer news reporting.
“He's got such a big profile that he could very easily spin it into becoming just a sort of internet pundit.”
The Crisis of Conscience in Football Reporting
28:00 to 29:33
Discussion about the state of football reporting and the pressures faced by journalists.
“Maybe he'd be like David Seaman, just constantly reflecting on his career.”
The Crisis of Conscience in Football Reporting
29:36 to 29:51
Discussion about the state of football reporting and the pressures faced by journalists.
“For those who don't know, VPN stands for Virtual Private Network.”
Bundesliga Commentary Highlights
29:51 to 31:18
Analysis of an exciting goal-saving moment in the Bundesliga.
“This came from Simon Hurst, who has provided us some lovely English commentary from the opening day of the Zwei Bundesliga clash between Energia Cottbus and Hannover 96.”
Bundesliga Commentary Highlights
31:22 to 33:09
Analysis of an exciting goal-saving moment in the Bundesliga.
“And our link will also give you four extra months on the two-year plan.”
Midweek Adjudication Panel and Updates
33:12 to 34:21
Updates on new episodes and features related to football trivia and analysis.
“A reminder that episode 29 of Dreamland is being recorded this week.”
The Ladder Challenge: Premier League Trivia
34:21 to 42:00
A trivia challenge focused on Premier League goal scorers and memorable moments.
“You'll get ad-free listening of all of our episodes, two episodes a month of Dreamland and lots of other things as well, including Happy Hunting Grounds Premium.”
Football Memories and Trivia
42:00 to 43:20
The hosts discuss memorable football moments and trivia related to players and matches.
“We're going to go for Raul Jimenez, 18-19.”
Meet the Owens Preview
43:20 to 44:38
A discussion about the upcoming Amazon Prime series featuring Michael Owen and his family.
“I could have done a better job than that.”
Analysis of Michael Owen's Career
44:38 to 47:58
The hosts analyze Michael Owen's football career, his opinions, and his public persona.
“Like, you know, what does he see in him?”
Football Number Plate Game
47:58 to 50:14
The hosts play a game related to football-themed number plates while driving.
“I think, I've got a feeling it might have been an O'Shea, and I was like telling my mate, like, try and catch it, try and catch it, get close, I want to see if it's like...”
Football Number Plate Game
50:42 to 51:23
The hosts play a game related to football-themed number plates while driving.
“So you were scrolling on Marketplace, and there it was, the bike you'd been searching for.”
Richard Keys and Andy Gray's New Project
51:23 to 56:00
Discussion of Richard Keys and Andy Gray's new project and their recent sighting in London.
“Not the strongest hypothetical we've ever been served up, but I do have a tangential question on it, Dave.”
Keezy and Fabrizio's Collaboration
56:00 to 57:59
Discussion about Keezy's project with Fabrizio, including Andy Gray's involvement.
“I mean, could Fabrizio, could there be some sort of collab there?”
Classic Andy Gray Commentary
58:00 to 59:14
Recollection of a memorable Andy Gray commentary moment from 2009.
“More yearning in that one, Charlie, than normal.”
Perceptions of Matthias Geisler
59:15 to 1:01:44
Exploration of perceptions surrounding Matthias Geisler's public persona and actions.
“I mean, this is the man who invented Um Hopeless, which, you know, so it could just be Matthias Hopeless.”
Richard Keys on a Lime Bike
1:01:45 to 1:03:00
Humorous segment about Richard Keys' adventure on a Lime bike.
“quite simply, the sound of Richard Keys on a line bike.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Before the season even kicks off, soccer fans are already making predictions. Who wins the league? Who qualifies for Europe? And who's lifting the trophy at season's end? On Calci, America's number one prediction market platform, you're trading against peers in a live market, meaning there's no house. And as the probability changes, you can buy in and out of your position. For a limited time, download the Calci app and use code CUP26 to get$10 when you trade 10. K-A-L-S-H-I, Calci. Trade the beautiful game. 18 plus only restrictions and eligibility requirements apply. Event contract trading involves risk and may not be suitable for all investors.
0:32Prices, values, and available markets may differ from those mentioned. For more information, see calsheet.com slash regulatory. This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome, that's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online make sense? There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set up required. Compatibility and availability varies 18+.
1:05The biggest moments in sports are streaming live on Fox 1. From MLB to NFL, Big Noon Saturdays, and so much more. Fox 1 brings you the games, rivalries, and can't miss moments all season long. And it doesn't stop at the final whistle. Catch highlights, expert analysis, interviews, and the stories behind the biggest moments in sports. Watch live or on demand, at home or on the go. Stream Fox Sports on Fox 1. Download the app today. I'm sorry, you can sit there and look and play with all your silly machines as much as you like. Is Gascoigne going to have a crack? He is, you know. Oh, he fell! Brilliant!
1:48Pachee! He's around the goalkeeper, he's done it! Absolutely incredible! He launched himself six feet into the crowd and Kung Fu kicked a supporter who was without a shadow of a doubt giving him lip. Oh, I say, it's amazing. He does it tame and tame and tame again. Crank up the music, charge a glass. This nation is going to dance all night.
2:18Charlie Eccleshare:David Walker's Balkan credentials. Goalkeeping mistakes that rhyme with a player who pounces on them. Textbook Tap House David Seaman keeps his chuckle rate ticking over at Lord's The Ballad of Dusan Vlajevic Transfer Reporting Titan set for Dramatic Industry Exit Tears of Joy on the Happy Hunting Grounds ladder Do we really need to meet the Owens, Amazon Prime? Jeff Stelling's One Man Edinburgh Show Matthias Yesler impressing by numbers and Keyes and Grey making moves in London Town Brought to your ears by Goalhanger Podcasts This is Football Clichés
2:54Charlie Eccleshare:Hello, everyone, and welcome to the 550th episode of Football Clichés. I'm Adam Hurry, and with me are the true OGs. First of all, Charlie Eccleshire, how are you doing? Very well, thank you. Alongside you, David Walker, how are things? Yeah, things are good. Oh, good. Slight hesitation on your part there? No, things are relatively good. Yeah, just had the time to think about it. It's fine. Weigh it up. On the back of your rank pulling for Ripplesdale Rovers from the penalty spot the other day, Jackson Keir was on the Reddit saying, Dave's player-manager exploits have strong, eccentric owner of an obscure Balkan club energy, I have to say.
3:28Charlie Eccleshare:I assume he went on to menace the referee with a firearm, sell a star player to a Russian club while pocketing the transfer fee, and engage in a messy, protracted legal dispute over who owns the rights of the Ribblesdale Rovers' name and history. How far away are we from this sort of page? I don't know. I think that's a gross mischaracterisation of how I run the club. Now I think about it, Charlie, there is a Balkan energy to Dave, visually. is that the longer hair now i mean like yeah i think that might be it gives it does give that sort of in a good way kind of luxuriant authority figure yugoslav number 10 yeah uh that's actually quite quite a compliment if anything um i i definitely jumped the gun charlie the other day when i said i wasn't as stressed as you two with my day-to-day life because uh i made the snap decision while buying a few bits and bobs on amazon the other day to buy some solar eclipse viewing glasses.
4:17Charlie Eccleshare:They only came in packs of 10 or 25. I thought I'd only need one or two. I bought the pack of 10. You never know what could happen. And it emerged. Get a lad round. Yeah. Like in a gambling advert. Someone in a moon outfit and a sun outfit both celebrating the moment at the same time. And it emerged that we weren't going to use them in our household. So my wife said, I put them on the local Facebook group. Someone might need a spare pair. So I sort of said, oh, I've got a few spare pairs of these solar eclipse viewing glasses if anyone wants them. Every single mum on the estate got in touch. It was rampant.
4:56Charlie Eccleshare:Are they still available? Wow. Can I have two pairs? I was like, oh, the admin task. Because I had to match the names to the people who came to the front door. It's like a shit Halloween. It was so annoying. Well, this is like you on a live show night when you get embroiled in this. like got one spare and then you very kindly like yeah you i'll tweet it and then you're in like dms with people exactly like that i was trying to do pod prep and i got embroiled in solar equipped viewing glasses admin as people came to my front door at 10 p.m to claim the last pair um someone tried to offer me money i was like well i'm not i feel like a drug dealer that's insane i made a loss on them you should just put them outside in a box yeah i did consider it and one person did come to the door and then go away thinking that's what i'd done i said well they've Are they all gone?
5:41Charlie Eccleshare:I said, no, you've got to knock on the door. That's how these things work. If I put them on the door, people would have taken all 10 or two at a time. And I rationed it. In the end, everybody got their glasses. So I'm the saviour. I'm the most popular guy on the estate and I'm loving it. Anyway, on to the adjudication panel. This came from Joe Friis, who was watching Soccer Saturday as Millwall took the lead at QPR in the Carabao and witnessed potentially the first ever instance of a goalkeeping mistake that rhymes with the player who capitalises on it. And this is a moment to forget for the Queen's Park Rangers goalkeeper, P.S.
6:15Charles, because look at this absolute fumble. Luke Cundall takes full advantage.
6:23Charlie Eccleshare:I can't work out in the delivery, Charlie, whether Simon Thomas kind of knew that it rhymed in advance or it just dawned on him halfway through. Either way, yeah, very nice. I mean, there must have been a swap. Oh, it's a Howler and there's Robbie Fowler to capitalise. Good, good from you. I didn't have any of this off my head. Dave, also Absolute Fumble, great absoluting as well. Yeah, yeah, that's a nice addition to the catalogue. We should actually make a definitive list of all of the absolutings we've ever had. I get like two a week in my DMs, easy. Funnily enough on that note, we've been talking about grout recently, and all I've had in my head was absolute grout.
7:00Charlie Eccleshare:Is that the brand you've gone for? We haven't gone for absolute grout, though obviously I was pushing that in sort of homage. Sorry, what was the discussion then? We can't have that one. Well, it was about costs and when it would be brought over and that sort of thing. But yeah, I just had absolute ground in my head. You should have pulled rank. Absolute ground is the number one, surely. Next up, this came from James. He says, I've noticed the latest in what seems to be a trademark finishing phrase for commentator Gary Taphouse. It appears very specific to forward players cutting in from the right to finish left-footed.
7:30Charlie Eccleshare:Here are a few examples. Picking a pass for Akachukwu. Brilliantly done for his first senior goal. It could be a chance for Raksaki. Brilliantly done! This could run through to Kamara. Brilliantly done! What a superb goal for Nahu Kamara! Now, based on this evidence alone, Dave, and James' observation, we'll have to assume this is textbook tap house. Tap house-ery, if you will. Now, tap house is a good bloke and a top operator. He's an absolute tap house. That's a great name. He's a great bloke. And I wouldn't necessarily say that this is a device specific to him in any way, but it is a venerable commentary device.
8:17Charlie Eccleshare:But if you think about it, just the phrase brilliantly done or any other kind of adverb that goes with it, superbly done or whatever, but brilliantly done, I think is a really specific thing. If I asked you to describe what scenario brilliantly done would be, it's very similar to the goal scored here. It's a player getting their feet right in the penalty area and then turning a defender inside out quite efficiently and then finishing. There has to be a neatness to it, I think. Yeah, yeah. It's less than a, I would say less than like a solo effort, but more than just a one-off finish, somewhere in between those two.
8:52Charlie Eccleshare:It's penalty box operating, Charlie. But, you know, to pick another example, a very famous example, Dennis Bergkamp against Argentina is close to being brilliantly done, but because he pulled it out of the air, that kind of superseded the brilliantly done and that wouldn't do justice to what he did? Yeah, that's too spectacular. Like Dave says about the neatness, there is like an economy to a brilliantly done. You're in a tight space, you move it, you finish neatly. And then there's like expertly done, which is a sort of slightly different thing. And I think of expertly done as quite a tricky finish.
9:22You know, like you're almost hitting on the half volley. It's so easy to get wrong. It's like, oh, that's expertly done. You know, just really controlling it well. Like you do sort of need to be an expert to know how to do that.
9:32Charlie Eccleshare:Yeah, I think it's definitely limited to just good clinical feet in the area and nothing too showboaty. It's just turning a defender and getting the shot away. Let's hear them in quickfire fashion, please. Brilliantly done! Brilliantly done! Brilliantly done! Look, they're subtly different in all their own ways, but equally suitable for the moment. Great. If Taphouse, if this is your calling card, then fantastic. I'm glad to hear it. I like that. It's quite a nice understated calling card. You know, it's not Weaver. It's not like massive, all-guns-blazing, dramatic stuff. I think it suits a man like Gary Tapphaus.
10:17He's just a reliable, consistent performer.
10:21Charlie Eccleshare:It feels classic, Charlie. It doesn't feel like a new thing. Motson definitely did it. On the classic 101 Great Goals video, he says it at least once, and I can remember what goal it was. and it was a similar thing. A ball basically, a defender twisted inside out and then a good finish. So it's brilliantly done by. So yeah, I like it as a thing for sure. Yeah, there's an elegance to it. Yeah, long may it continue. Yeah, that's my line but yeah, that's fine. Next up, Gavin Cooney says, an Irish commentator on RTE's coverage of the European Swimming Championships described a victorious swimmer as being out on his feet.
10:54Charlie Eccleshare:A friend and I don't think this can work. Surely the athlete has to be on their feet initially to be deemed to then be out on said feet. Dave, one for you What are you out on? You're out on your arms Obviously your legs are doing a lot of work Out on your chest You're out on your Because when you get to the end of the lane Of the pool They often lean on their forearms Don't they, on the side of the pool Are they out on their forearms? What's the original phrase even mean, Charlie? What does out on your feet mean? I think that you're just collapsed your sort of your horizontal and I think even you know a swimmer you're still going to be fucking knackered aren't you after a swim so does the imagery transfer for you you know sufficiently to make it okay I know what they mean it's sort of like you're just sort of staying roughly in the same state as you were but I think it's very different to just be collapsed out on your feet versus you know just lying and swimming very quickly is it pre-collapsing though is it like are you still on your feet but you're out.
11:59You're sort of limping. You're about to go down. You're kind of looking around looking knackered. Haunches. I'm out on my feet here, guys. You're still going, but you're knackered. You want to go down, but you can't.
12:13Charlie Eccleshare:You rarely hear someone addressing it to themselves. You only hear it as an observer for someone else. No one ever says, I'm out on my feet. It feels like something's in the eye of the beholder or the observer. Who knows? But yeah, I love that one. Classic cliches. Now, it's that time of year, and it does seem to happen about once a year, that we analyse the mannerisms of one David Seaman. Dominic Booth sent this in. David Seaman popped up on Sky Sports for their coverage of 100 at Lourdes and they made him don some wicket-keeping gloves and then try and save some penalties as well. In between all of that were some of the most ask David Seaman questions imaginable.
12:48Charlie Eccleshare:Charlie, guess the sort of questions they would have asked him. I mean, you've done it in football. What's it like? Can you do it? Can you do it in cricket? Yeah. Can you, does it translate, that sort of thing? You're a big, you're a Yorkshireman, David. You know, you have cricket up there. Spot on. I was thinking that. He is very cricket. Yeah. He's one of the most crickety footballers there's ever been. Yeah. They had a chat with him about whether he could have chosen cricket. And he says, you know, it was a decision he had to make, but he went with football. They asked him about the best save he's ever made.
13:19Charlie Eccleshare:And of course, Charlie, he picked. The one against Sheffield United, the Paul Pueschi-Salido one. Exactly. So at that point, I thought, Seaman's going to be absolutely going through the motions with this answer. He must have given this answer so many times. And then, Dave, not only did he give the kind of word perfect description of that save that he's always given, they were walking around the perimeter of the pitch at Lord's. And as he described the save, he did the arm sort of gesture for the scoop. As Dave did just then. Yeah, all right. It's almost since you guys can't help but do it. Well, this is it.
13:54Charlie Eccleshare:Dave, as I saw them walking around, I thought, people who are sitting in the stands who can't hear the conversation, but as soon as they see that hand, they're like, oh, he's been asked about his favourite save. Definitely.
14:06Charlie Eccleshare:Really, there are only so many things apparently that you can ask David Seaman, but that's by the by. After they'd had a little chat with him, there was a seven minute and 35 second segment in which he faced some deliveries and some nicks as a wicketkeeper and then as a goalkeeper, some penalties from Nasser Hussain and a couple of other pundits whose names I didn't bother to catch. Now, in that seven minutes and 35 seconds, how many times did David Seaman chuckle? I want to hear your early guesses. Individual chuckles. Individual chuckles. We will try and discern the individuality of it. Yeah.
14:43Oh, Christ. Well, what are we talking? Like, one every five seconds. That's going to be a huge amount.
14:58Charlie Eccleshare:So you've got 455 seconds to work on it. Yeah, that's what I was just looking at, 455 seconds. I mean, presumably, because he can't be chuckling. I've put two months' thought into this, to be honest. He can't be chuckling the whole time when he's actually doing... Are you sure? I mean, I'm going to go 25. 25 chuckles, says Charlie. I'm going higher. I'm going to go 50. 50, says Dave. Could well end up being in the middle, but let's find out. I have isolated this entire segment to every David Seaman chuckle on Sky Sports at Lourdes. I'll be doing the tallying up. Let's see how we go. With that one, you had small gloves on.
15:38We have nicked these off Johnny Bairstow Has he got big hands? So you're going to keep Because we can't believe you're a fast bowler Our very own fast bowler Simon Dole Is going to be your first slip He's tracking for way more than I said We know you're a great wicketkeeper Goalkeeper, what are you like at wicketkeeping? Well this is what I do Because I can't ball anymore Room for brilliant for David Seaman Have you ever kicked? Yes, yes Overarmless Overarm, D. Oh, that's quick. Oh, you're laughing out there. Beautiful. One nil to the footballer. Oh, wait, ready for that. Oh, bad throw. Another ball in, ball in.
16:20Charlie Eccleshare:Oh, straight in. Two nil, two nil. You look like a natural, David. This might go a bit closer. This is my one opportunity. I've got no bite stop. Oh, Dooley! What are you guys going for that? Are you? Oh! That was his. Run rate slowed a bit. Morgz is just starting to throw them a bit harder. Oh, hit that! Unlucky Dooley. I thought you weren't diving. Oh, straight in, nice! Why are you laughing there, Sue? You just made a good catch.
16:59Oh, no worries on that one. Absolutely legendary. That was brilliant, that was outstanding. We're not going anywhere yet. Go in this gap here. Morgz, give us the football. Oh, man. I was a goalie. Do you want the gloves on still or not? Oh, safe. Beautiful. High quality. He's got no gloves on. On the corner door, hit the goal. No, no, I'm going to get straight ahead of him. I ain't Davey. David, David with... I'm not diving. You're not diving? Okay. Try one the other way.
17:40Done, Dooley. Done you properly there. Where's the celebration, Dooley? Get in the corner. You know, and it was pretty hard seeing that ball, especially with that white background, I tell you. Did you have a better side? Or were you always having to learn to go as well both sides? Even if I did, I wouldn't tell anybody. No, no, no. No, I was all right. Lords is a tough ground to take catches at Nassau, isn't it? I mean, there's been some moments here. But the footlight's not right. That's the wall that's right into the hands. I think that's the issue, isn't it?
18:11Charlie Eccleshare:It's almost a bit of it. Who's the greatest goalkeeper you've ever seen? David, thanks for joining us. It's great to have a North London legend. Great segue. And hopefully it will rub off on the side from North London, the London spirit. Enjoy your evening, mate. Pleasure, mate. Thank you. I'm exhausted some of them just sound exactly the same he's chuckled professionally so many times that some of them just literally sound copy and pasted, it's amazing it's like a toy doll where you press a button or something or pull the string out and it makes the same noise over and over and over again one of those weird dolls where if you tip it in a certain direction it's got like a thing inside it that makes a weird noise do you know the things I mean?
18:56he's amazing isn't he? I think he could have taken a cricket ball straight in the bollocks there and he'd still have chuckled, wouldn't he?
19:03Charlie Eccleshare:That strangled chuckle. Right, if we could revisit your predictions, please. Charlie, you predicted... I said 25, which I think was quite way under. Dave? I went 50, which is maybe even that's conservative. What was the number? The final total, according to my very accurate tallying up, 52. Wow, well done, Dave. spot on 52 chuckles so that is 455 divided by 52 one chuckle every 8.75 seconds incredible that is so much chuckling isn't it remarkable stuff from the big man he just never lets you down he's amazing that's why he probably keeps getting booked for stuff like this I mean admittedly this was really personal to him it's wicket keeping he's cricket savvy that sort of stuff but he's such a good guest for this stuff he won't give you a lot of illuminated answers Charlie because you basically ask him the same stuff every time but he will chuckle for you yeah a couple of things I mean how without getting too deep how sort of you know does he have dark moments where he's like you know on his own he's like I don't want to laugh anymore you know what I don't find this funny because he's like the image he gives is he's just so kind of happy-go-lucky and I kind of want to believe that that is just David Seaman well I think so Dave because it's not forced doesn't sound like forced doesn't feel like he's doing it as his trademark in the way that Jimmy Carr might laugh like that as his trademark.
20:28Charlie Eccleshare:It feels like that's something that he really wants to do. And it might be nervous energy sometimes. I was going to say, is it nervousness a bit? It must be a bit of that. Because when he caught, he just caught one really well and started laughing. It's almost like, you know, maybe it's just like modest, you know, or I'll laugh at myself. But I guess he was just aware of what he was doing. If he catches it well, Dave, he knows that he's catching it well in the context that it's David Seaman, former goalkeeper, catching the ball at the cricket. It is essentially not funny, but worth chuckling over because, oh, the irony of it all.
20:56Charlie Eccleshare:And he's just having a good time. I think that's just how he expresses himself when he's having fun. Like a dog or something wagging its tail. Don't worry, he's happy. That's it. That's just him. That's just how he expresses himself. He's like a big baby. You know, like a baby will just cry. When they cry loads and they just work themselves into a frenzy. They're not even sad anymore, but they can't stop crying. He's doing the opposite. He just can't stop laughing. He's amazing. He's absolutely amazing. I'll never tire of this stuff. The percentage of my life I have spent editing together montages of David Seaman chuckling.
21:30Charlie Eccleshare:Goodness me. Just one last thing on David Seaman. Just watching him there making some saves. How good do you think he'd be now? Like if he played for Ribblesdale in your next game, Dave, I mean, how old is he? He's mid-60s. He must be 62. Right. Do you think he'd be... Do you think he'd just still have an amazing presence and would look massive and imposing. I mean, not that we play out from the back, but like, is he going to, what's his kicking going to be like still? He could fucking launch it, surely still. He could launch it still, couldn't he? And throw it. He'd ping it very effortlessly.
22:04Charlie Eccleshare:Yeah. I think like any ex-pro, elite ex-pro at the age of 62 who turns up to Sunday League, athletically, not at it. But all the decisions that he makes will be better than everybody else's. But hard to judge for David Seaman. Big chap. But it's harder with a keeper, isn't it, with the athletically thing? Because if you're like a centre mid or anywhere, you can kind of not move, but you're just so much better than everyone and you still get away with it. A goalkeeper, you can't really hide your lack of reflexes and athleticism, even if his starting positions would be amazing. You claim every corner, right?
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22:38Yeah, all of that stuff still. I think you're getting nowhere near him and he'd be terrified. I saw Brad Friedel playing in the summer at some sort of commercial event over in the States. And, I mean, he was saving penalties against rank amateurs. But it was still, they've still got this way of, like, even though they obviously can't sort of leap about, they have a way of just falling to the ground in the right way. I don't know what you mean.
23:08Charlie Eccleshare:It's just a herring in them. They know how to do it. Yeah. God, I really enjoyed that. Let's move on. Make it happen. Rumours abound, Charlie, that Dusan Vlaovic could be on his way to Besiktas. and this isn't the obvious sort of Turkish angle I'm going for here. I don't think he's particularly Turkish Super League, but it just dawned on me that I never hear about Dusan Vlavic actually playing football. He has become the sort of transfer gossip column incumbent. You only ever hear about him possibly moving somewhere to sort of reignite his career. Industry plant. Very possibly. Well, this is it because there's something about him that makes him really conducive to being a transfer gossip kind of incumbent.
23:50Charlie Eccleshare:He's tall, he's powerful, he's a relatively good-looking bloke. He's got an incredible name, Dusan Vlajevic. If you said that Dusan Vlajevic won three European golden boots in the early 1980s for Dinamo Zagreb, I'd be like, yes. I wouldn't, because I know exactly who won the gold for every year, but I wouldn't be sending for the men in white coats, is what I'm saying. everything about him just sort of oozes I think he could do it at his next club and by extension I think he knows it's mad to me that he hasn't moved to the Premier League so so Charlie everything about him apart from the fact that he you know his actual playing of football really does sort of put him in this realm constantly yeah also because he's like he's got his left footed isn't he with a really powerful shot so he fits so he's got that element to him he feels like a bit of a throwback he absolutely like you say would in theory suit the premier league because of that kind of physicality the throwbackness i remember him i think scoring a really early goal in a champions league knockout tie that's literally my only memory of him outside of the transfer windows like you described i mean he was involved in a really protracted one where arsenal were trying to get him right i think that was when he went to uve or he went to them soon after which i you know meant he was like the sort of benzema guy for a while who everyone was talking about Is he going to go to Arsenal?
25:06Is he not?
25:07Charlie Eccleshare:Because he hasn't moved to the Premier League, Dave. It's only ever really been vaguely mooted. And his hypothetical Premier League destination has sort of gently tumbled over the years. I'm glad that Charlie confirmed that he was an Arsenal target, like a genuine Arsenal target, because he did fit Arsenal's remit at some point because, oh God, they've got to sign a number nine at some point, a big number nine. That'll solve all their problems. And he would have been that guy. And then Liverpool, you can see him maybe sort of Liverpool sniffing around him. And then he's probably tumbled straight through the Villa sphere already because Villa are on the way up and he's now a free agent after leaving Juventus.
25:39Charlie Eccleshare:Where does Dusan Vlaovic sit now in a Premier League context? Chelsea definitely would have taken him five years ago or maybe three years ago. Spurs maybe? Yeah. Who's going to take a punt on free agent Dusan Vlaovic? Spurs are always good for being linked to these sorts of players. Leeds is a sort of Calvert-Lewin. I mean they've sort of got Calvert-Lewin already but I feel that he's a year too late last year surely he would have been in that conversation at the Leeds recruitment staff do we go Calvert-Lewin or Vlajevic the sort of because they were both sort of good at the same time Fulham? I don't mind Fulham lured by the bright lights of London over Leeds that's why what about West Ham if they were still here?
26:23Charlie Eccleshare:we can't just rely on West Ham anymore they're out of the league yeah he's too good for West Ham you know theoretically but yeah i'm just just fascinated by a guy who i don't think i've witnessed playing football for a very long time but yet is always in my consciousness um just by just being theoretically quite good ah the ballad of dusan vlavic anyway um bombshell news for some people i imagine over to linkedin we go fabrizio romano boasting about uh how many views um his breaking news had got about ronald araujo's move from barcelone to liverpool but then at the end of that boast dropped what is must now be referred to as a bomber he says i'm probably not going to continue into the transfer market industry as i'm doing right now for longer it's time to change the approach the view but this will be another topic soon after the transfer window closes but still these numbers feel incredible the adrenaline of the breaking story the exclusivity the unexpected factor from zero links at all to done deal well this will always remain unmatched for me.
27:21Charlie Eccleshare:Wow. He's hinting. What's he going to get into, Dave? What the? I mean, what else could he do? I mean, I guess he could... Tactics. Get into tactics. He's got such a big profile that he could very easily spin it into becoming just a sort of internet pundit. I don't think TV would take him, but he could just have a YouTube channel where he just talks football. Yeah, but the only thing... He'd need an opinion, Charlie, wouldn't he? Yeah, I mean, obviously he trades on all the knowledge he has. I guess he could, which, you know, whatever you think of Fabrizio Romano, I'm sure the guy must work unbelievably hard.
28:00I guess so. You can't fake that. So I guess if he wanted an easier life, he could become a sort of YouTuber whose thing isn't necessarily having the info, but it's about commenting on what's been the best, Fabrizio Romano's best transfer, where he's sort of offering opinion more, which is...
28:20Charlie Eccleshare:Maybe he'd be like David Seaman, just constantly reflecting on his career. Yeah, exactly. Best scoop or whatever it is. We talked the other day about set-piece coaches in relation to some half-baked analogy to Jerry Maguire. But maybe this is his Jerry Maguire moment. Maybe he's had a real sort of crisis of conscience. I can't go on like this anymore. Where's the substance? I'm fed up with getting people to Photoshop players into teams they might be joining in the next few years. I don't want to do it anymore. It's all just tweeting. What's the point? He's going to go and be a war reporter. Maybe.
28:57Charlie Eccleshare:Wow. wow wow wow would love to see it yeah get out there in your bulletproof vest and see what's going out in the world for Brizzi Romano don't leave would Ornstein drop off Dave without the competition like it keeps him limber surely Batman and the Joker yeah or like John McEnroe always says the worst thing for him was Bjorn Borg retiring early you know you lose that that rival that competition that thing that drives you I think it would be a strange thing for Ornstein to grapple with. Yeah, difficult. Maybe there's some up-and-comers in the industry. Who knows? Maybe he's feeling them breathing down his neck.
29:33Charlie Eccleshare:Anyway, this episode is brought to you in association with NordVPN. For those who don't know, VPN stands for Virtual Private Network. It secures your connection, protecting your personal information and online activity, especially on public Wi-Fi. The VPN can also make your phone or laptop appear as if it's in another country, which is great for accessing content while travelling. Indeed, over to Germany we go. This came from Simon Hurst, who has provided us some lovely English commentary from the opening day of the Zwei Bundesliga clash between Energia Cottbus and Hannover 96. And because he's commentating solo, this guy, he has to perform both roles, which is particularly fun when trying to ascertain from various camera angles just how much of a touch a goalkeeper got when tipping a goal-bound curler over the crossbar.
30:19Great work. Take a look at this from Uden. then what a fabulous save and then onto the crossbar that is brilliant that is absolutely magnificent what from this angle here that opportunity that was going in of course it's
30:35Charlie Eccleshare:going in i love the last bit wow of course it's going in i love the trajectory of his realization charlie that was class that's where you need a mccoist traditionally yeah that was that was quite special. This McMahonman moment is going in. Of course it's going in. I love that. Yeah. I believe this is semi-legendary Bundesliga world feedsman Gary Preston, who listeners might remember being given his flowers by Kevin Hatchard on last year's Pure Bundesliga 11 episode. So quite the character. Scored by Graffiti? Yeah, that's the one. Is that the one? Where he did sort of the Brazilian style goal.
31:13Charlie Eccleshare:Yeah, exactly. So quite the character and he started the season in good style. If you want to try NordVPN for yourself, go to nordvpn.com slash cliches. And our link will also give you four extra months on the two-year plan. It's the best discount available. There's no risk with Nord's 30-day money-back guarantee. And the link is also in our podcast description if you need it. We'll be back very shortly.
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33:51Charlie Eccleshare:Welcome back to Football Clichés. This is the Midweek Adjudication Panel. A reminder that episode 29 of Dreamland is being recorded this week. It's all about pre-season and as well as that, Happy Hunting Grounds has now been updated with 2025-26 data. So your Victor your Hugo Eketike's and your Nick Voltemarders are all available answers now at games.footballcliches.com. You can sign up for Dreamland at dreamland.footballcliches.com for just£5.99 a month. You'll get ad-free listening of all of our episodes, two episodes a month of Dreamland and lots of other things as well, including Happy Hunting Grounds Premium.
34:28Charlie Eccleshare:And on that note, I think it's time to bring back the ladder, the real curtain raiser for the domestic season. And how are your Premier League brains doing? A little bit atrophied? Possibly, yeah. I think this would be a good way to get us back up to speed. Let's do it. Okay, time for the ladder. Here we go. Right, I think we got to about level seven last season. Yeah. So let's see if we can limber up on this first effort. Let's start at level one. And level one is who scored for Manchester City at Molyneux. That's tricky. De Bruyne scored four in a game there. Woof. Including a left-footed hat-trick.
35:07I think that was 21-22.
35:09Charlie Eccleshare:Happy with that season? Yeah. De Bruyne, 21-22. Wolves one, Manchester City five. De Bruyne, De Bruyne, De Bruyne, De Bruyne, Sterling. Well done, Charlie. Right, level two. Lovely. Off the mark. Who scored for Fulham at Selhurst? That goal. That was that goal, yeah. Pachi Kasami. Kasami? Yeah. But what year? It was 13-14. I think that was the season that Palace came up. Yeah, 13-14. Palace won, Fulham 4, goalscorer Steve Sidwell, Dimitar Berbatov, Philippe Sendoros and Paitim Kasami. Love it. Level 3. Who scored for Everton at the Amex? They won a game there by a mad score. They scored, I think, 5 in 22-23 as well when they were sort of batting relegation.
35:59it was Deserbes, Brighton. Decore scored that today, I think, for Everton. It's very possible. I'm pretty sure I was watching it in a pub after a Watford game, and we were like, oh, Decore scored.
36:11Charlie Eccleshare:Oh, I like the basis of that memory. This would be great teamwork if that's right. Let's not just blindly go for Dominic Calvert-Lewin if we've got some tangible evidence like that. Abdullahi Decore, 22-23, did you say? Pretty sure it was that season, yeah. Happy Dave? Yeah. Brighton won, Everton 5. Goal scorers for Everton at the double, Dwight McNeil, but also at the double, Abdelai Dekure. Oh, that's great stuff. Twice in the first half hour. Quick fire. Love that. Brilliant. Level four. Who scored for Newcastle at the Valley? I mean, Shearer is an obvious one here. I certainly don't picture a Shearer goal at the Valley, I'll be honest.
36:48Charlie Eccleshare:Laurent Robert feels quite... Solano feels... I mean, I don't have a specific goal in mind, but... If we were to go with Shearer, what season are we talking? So Charlton came up... They came up in 1998 and got relegated, then were back in 2000, 2001. Wow. So something like 2001, 2002. She was sort of late career bloom. But what was his really good... Was it just before a tournament? Wasn't it 3-4? Well, 2001, 2002, he was very good. Remember he scored that amazing goal against Everton, that volley. That was when he was really in sort of like... Oh, wow, 2 sounds good then. He did score a lot in 03-04 as well.
37:27because I remember looking at that recently. He could easily have gone to Euro 2004 on form.
37:32Charlie Eccleshare:That's what I was thinking, yeah. I think he scored more that season. I really couldn't hang my hat on it. But then 0-2-0-3, they came third, so we're obviously very good. And he must have been... Should we split the difference then and go 0-2-0-3? Is that really splitting the difference or is it just not picking either? Yeah. I mean, we should get another go, even if we get this year wrong. You're right. Yeah. Okay, Dave, you decide the season then. I'm going to go I'm going to go 0-3-0-4 Alan Shearer 0-3-0-4 Charlton 0 Newcastle 0
38:10Charlie Eccleshare:Goalless draw Alan Shearer has scored for Newcastle out of the valley It was 0-2-0-3 There you go So we go again level 4 Who has scored for Middlesbrough at Selhurst? Wow Nothing else out here No So that's really hard for level four. Like Newcastle, Charlton is way more gettable. I mean, you could go to 96, 97 and, you know, they would have played Wimbledon. Oh, yeah. So Ravanelli. So Ravanelli. Against Wichel. Giannino. Palace were not in the Premier League then, is that right? No, they were the following season, but Middlesbrough weren't. Giannino getting absolutely poleaxed by Vinnie Jones, if I remember rightly.
38:55unless you go Negredo 16-17 they were just so shit that season weren't they Middlesbrough yeah or you go sort of when Middlesbrough came back into the Premier League like 98-99 99-2000 Wimbledon was sort of on the slide I mean Wimbledon went down 99-2000 so possible Hamilton Ricard or someone but Hamilton Ricard does occasionally deliver on this
39:20Charlie Eccleshare:oh my Ricard yeah what about the first season of the Premier League were Palace in it then or were they not? 92, 93. It was like some comical old boys just playing for Middlesbrough. Because they were in the Premier League weren't they, first season? They went down. They were, yeah. Bernie Slavin or whatever was still playing for Middlesbrough. Paul Wilkinson. Paul Wilkinson. Paul Wilkinson is definitely going to be right. I just would never go for it. Paul Wilkinson 92, 93 is almost certainly right. I mean, fuck it. Let's do it then. No, really? No, it's too crazy. I mean, I would say like Rickards.
39:52Charlie Eccleshare:No, but seriously. Rickards. So, Ricard, Ravinelli or Paul Wilkinson, who's it going to be? Ricard? But what season? Either 98, 99, 99, 2000. I can't, I think... Were Palace in the Premier League in 98, 99? No. It's just Wimbledon. So, it's just Wimbledon. Yeah, I mean, I guess that's, you're playing the percentages if you go 92, 93, because... You've got double bubble. Because they were both in, weren't they? Wimbledon and Palace. Paul Wilkinson, 92, 93. Could be amazing. Come on, blaze of glory. Let's do it. Okay, if I have both your permission, that's what I'm going to go for. Paul Wilkinson, 92, 93.
40:24Charlie Eccleshare:Crystal Palace 4, Middlesbrough 1. Goal score after 86 minutes. It's Paul Wilkinson. I can't believe this. That's amazing. I'm actually crying. Brilliantly done. I cannot believe that. I love this. I love this podcast. I love Happy Hunting Grounds. I love Paul Wilkinson. Did he score all their goals in 1993? that's the only explanation it's amazing fuck me that's only a level 4 another ex Watford man of course ah right to level 5 we go what's the point in playing anymore who scored for Wolves at the London Stadium goodness me and Jimenez is always the we should I reckon as well we should probably say you only get one right player wrong season life yeah for the purposes of the live ladder I think you're probably right yeah wow should go Jimenez 18-19 Traore Ray.
41:26Charlie Eccleshare:Played for both. Didn't score a lot of goals. No. Don't remember him scoring a London team. Jimenez sounds so good. Oh, wait. Yes. So I covered for the Telegraph a West Ham against Wolves. Wolves won really late. And it was 18-19. They won 1-0. Yeah. With a really late, with a, I think, stoppage time winner. Brom. Fuck. Jimenez missed a load of chances in that game. and I can't remember if it then got like a late redemptive winner. How can you not remember? You were there. I know. Who else did they have at that sort of time? It was their first season back. I mean, could it have been like Jota?
42:07Jota. I think it was Jimenez.
42:09Charlie Eccleshare:Okay. Okay, let's go for it. We're going to go for Raul Jimenez, 18-19. Yeah. West Ham 0, Wolves 1, goal scorer in the 93rd minute, Adama Traore. Fuck! There you go. What goes around comes around in happy hunting grounds. For every Paul Wilkinson, there's an Adama Traore. I'm not deflated. I leave with my head nailed high. How did I forget that it was Adama Traore? Roe Jimenez scored the following season in a 2-0 victory, as did Pedro Neto. Wow. Well, I mean, if that's an absolute rollercoaster that is happy hunting grounds. And that was only a level five as well. But yeah, level five is where we got to.
42:47Charlie Eccleshare:Or level four, in fact, really. But yeah, tremendous. Right, similarly entertaining, forthcoming on Amazon Prime is this.
43:19I don't know how good he was. But my family are not arsed. This better be a bloody good kick. Oh, f***! After all of that! I could have done a better job than that. Football was my life, but now, here's horse racing. Go on, keep going, keep going, keep going. Here, we're gonna win on the net. No, we're not. How many horses have you got? About 140. Oh my God. That business has to stand on its own two feet. Boom. We could lose a million quid this year. All of us are really passionate about horses. No farting. Dad wants me to become a jockey. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
43:56Charlie Eccleshare:We've got one chance at this. Let's not f*** it up. Good, Bronny! My dad is certainly not boring.
44:08But he is quite embarrassing sometimes.
44:22Charlie Eccleshare:So this is Meet the Owens, forthcoming on Amazon Prime, Dave. I sincerely don't believe this represents the bottom of the barrel for Meet the Somethings series. I think we can all now safely say there is something compelling about Michael Owen. where do you where are you on your michael owen journey because i don't think we can call him boring anymore because there's something really genuinely weird about him yeah there was quite a roller coaster that there were moments where i was sort of rolling my eyes and going oh really like who's gonna watch this but then there were a few clips where i was like fair play he's like 140 horses like he's a serious operator a lot of horses yeah yeah serious operator is is quite the term for Michael Owen Charlie he's incredibly successful in many respects um but and deadly serious about what he does and that interview he gave with Ria Ferdinand I think was last year about being a footballer was just compelling to me his mentality was mad uh especially as an 18 year old so so he is he interesting enough a character slash his family to to prop up a series like this do we need to know more about Michael Owen yeah I he clearly is slightly different from the perception.
45:36I'm also really intrigued by the Carragher friendship because I always get the sense Carragher's, I think, feel like a lot of people have been there where they've got a mate who they're aware that everyone's sort of like, why is he friends with that guy? Like, you know, what does he see in him? Like, and I think Carragher's aware that Owen, because Carragher is generally very popular, I would say. Whereas Owen has always been seen as like, either as boring or, you know, maybe even worse for some people. But the fact that they are still good mates is kind of intriguing in itself. Owen as well, he had a good World Cup, didn't he?
46:07Because he kind of, you know, you could say they were different, but he, after the Mexico game, was a bit like, well, yeah, England won, but is that really brave or is that just a kind of unsustainable... That was good from him. ...putting everyone on the ball. And that comment did age pretty well after the Argentina game. Yeah, yeah.
46:23Charlie Eccleshare:I mean, I like his strident opinions about football, David. They don't feel like hot takes. They feel like the sort of opinion someone who is, like, biologically level-headed about stuff and and doesn't get carried away and i think his punditry has improved over the years he i think he should do more good punditry like he should be i don't maybe he doesn't care enough which is fair if he's into horse racing but he could be a top level pundit but maybe just doesn't give a shit enough yeah he's all he's he's sort of peripheral part of the tnt yeah sports kind of gang isn't he i was just looking at his age to go back to the what would he have looked like playing England for 40?
47:03He could have played in the, if there wasn't COVID and we'd had Euro 2020 in 2020, he would have been available to play for that tournament.
47:12Charlie Eccleshare:Yeah, he would have played a non-COVID Euros. Wow. But where would he have played? A plan B. He's not off the shoulder, is he? Let's face it, at 40. Well, yeah. In his stoke role of central midfield. Just him and Calvin Phillips in the two. yeah i think overall this this series will probably benefit some members of his family more charlie's or profile wise perhaps possibly yeah it might also be one where you you star watch you're like yeah sort of the best bits were definitely in a trailer that's sort of all i needed to see i think michael owen making dad jokes around the house get old pretty quickly yeah yeah yeah he seems to really enjoy being the dad joke kind of guy in it but i don't want him to embrace that character too much keep keep it real michael owen i won't be watching it um next up rbarker82 dave says i had a few hours on the motorway today so i played my usual game of spot the football coded number plate you get one point for probably personalized ones like cop k-o-p or two points for team abbreviations like eve or afc etc you get three points for player or manager names avb rvp moo etc hate moo i've always hated moo um he got 11 points today my best haul in a while how do you feel about the scoring system most importantly dave uh yeah that's that's okay yeah yeah that's good i remember um i was driving with someone i think we were on the way to wales so we're like heading out west from london and there was a personalized number plate ahead of us and it looked really footballery, and the car was very footballery.
48:47I think, I've got a feeling it might have been an O'Shea, and I was like telling my mate, like, try and catch it, try and catch it, get close, I want to see if it's like... 0583A or something like that. I was looking at, like, John O'Shea, he's like, where is he? Is he a coach now? Because I think he might have been at Reading at the time as a coach or something. So I was like, well, sort, you know, kind of near Reading, it could be him. It wasn't him. It wasn't him. he's a big fan of John O'Shea
49:15Charlie Eccleshare:logic that you imply sometimes it's like wow we are in the region where he used to ply his trade maybe it is him but yeah you're right you do sometimes see number plates and car combinations think well it must be a player must be a player who else would it be usually sort of blacked out four by fours and you think wow must be a footballer yeah Charlie I don't really have a point system for this but I am obsessed while driving of looking at a number plate and seeing what emerges from the jumping letters and it will be like an exotic footballer surname that just somehow fits So if I, I don't know, a D, J and a S, my brain will go gibberalicite and that's it.
49:48Charlie Eccleshare:I would have decided it before we get on to the next car. It keeps you going over the five-hour drive on Holland. It does. A little nod. I saw one with my initials the other day on the back of the car and I thought, ah, interesting. I wonder if that's personalised. Probably not. Just for you. Yeah, you don't seem like a personalised number plate kind of guy. You're so at the other end of that spectrum and rightly so. Good on you. Yeah, I think that's correct.
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50:39Charlie Eccleshare:This episode is brought to you by Facebook. So you were scrolling on Marketplace, and there it was, the bike you'd been searching for. You sent a message, and it turned out the seller was super chatty, kind of funny, and an avid cyclist. The next thing you know, you're in a cycling crew. Well, a community cycling group. The thing about Facebook, you might find more than what you're looking for. From a browse to a bike ride, this summer, find more on Facebook. Stream the biggest moments in sports live on Fox 1. The biggest names, the biggest games, the biggest matchups. Watch live or catch up on your schedule.
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51:26Charlie Eccleshare:Not the strongest hypothetical we've ever been served up, but I do have a tangential question on it, Dave. Imperfect Dark says, how good would a non-league player have to be for a Premier League club to sign them for£100 million. Now, this would never happen, obviously. There is no circumstances, even extreme, in which a non-league player would be signed for£100 million by a Premier League club. But do you think a championship club would ever sell for£100 million? Is the bubble ever going to get that big, where a championship club would sell for£100 million? What is the record? What is the championship record for a player's sale?
52:00Watford sold Jao Pedro for, like,£40 million to Brighton. Is that right?
52:07Charlie Eccleshare:Mateus Fernandes is 85 million. Oh, yeah. That doesn't count, though, does it? Doesn't really count, does it? Yeah, when they're coming straight down and they go straight away. I think you've got to be in there for a few years. It's got to be a step up rather than keeping you at the level. But, yeah, I don't know what that record is. But I can only see it happening in, like, 50 years' time if inflation keeps going. The only way, the way they'd get to the most value, and I don't think it would be 100 million, But if they had a great major tournament, you know, like if you imagine a player this summer had just happened to be playing in the championship, but had gone and played for a country that got what's the worst country that could, you know, a country could get like the quarterfinals of the Champions League of the World Cup with the championship player playing for them.
52:48If he goes, he's he absolutely he's off the back of an incredible season in the championship and then excels at the World Cup. It's maybe like a Moroccan central midfielder or something like that. Yeah, exactly. I don't think you'd get to 100, but you could get to a pretty high amount. Yeah, like Mateus Fernandes, you could maybe get to that sort of figure or somewhere close.
53:10Charlie Eccleshare:If he was a striker, he probably would be 100 million if he was a striker. Exactly, if they'd been top scorer in the championship and then gone and scored five or six goals at the World Cup, which is possible. God, that would be mad. What an injection of cash that would be in the champo. Ryan Seidel writes in next, Dave, and says, football presenters' names in Edinburgh Fringe shows. I just went to see the beautiful Tomatoes Tried to Kill Me but Banjos Saved My Life. And the man who makes banjos is called Jeff Stelling. Jeff Stelling doing an Edinburgh Fringe show. I mean, could happen. Can see it.
53:38Charlie Eccleshare:Yeah. One man just reeling off scores. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe it would be, I could sort of, actually, do you know what, Charlie? I can sort of imagine him doing an Edinburgh show, a one-man Edinburgh show, where he plays himself, but sort of a version of himself. Larry David style yeah a little bit and it gets a little bit surreal but he is still playing himself you think he's got that in him do you? well that's the thing that would be part of the appeal of the show is like does he have it in him and he's been sort of put up to it I mean anything goes he's got real depth to him yeah I don't think he's got it in him obviously but could he be egged on to do it?
54:13Charlie Eccleshare:it's possible would it be called Unbelievable Jeff or is that too much Chris Kamara's thing? oh yeah because it could be called like Unbelievable Jeff and then you know the tagline is like you know stories from the front line or something implausible jeff i hope he's the real guy uh tomato's tried to kill me but banjo saved my life uh anyway speaking of ex sky sports titans going on to past as new entertainment wise it's time for keys and gray corner
54:53On Super Sunday.
54:58Charlie Eccleshare:Arriving in my inbox, just minutes apart, Dave, were surreptitious photos sent by two listeners, Ollie and Will, of Richard Keyes and Andy Gray filming by Tower Bridge. Camera crew, they're sat in comfortable chairs chewing the fat, presumably about football, for what appears to be a new project. Cliché spies are out there and they've delivered. Here we go. We always knew this was going to start happening once Keezy, especially, has properly put down roots again in London. He's going to get spotted. And here we go. I mean, this one is not exactly – this isn't exactly like spotting him sort of incognito.
55:40He's sat recording a podcast under Tower Bridge.
55:45Charlie Eccleshare:Well, that was going to be my next question, Charlie. Like coming back from Doha to the big smoke of London. Of course Tower Bridge was going to be the backdrop to whatever their next project was. They were never going to go low key or sort of trendy. It was going to be, here we are in London. Get Big Ben in, he might as well. And he loves boats, doesn't he? Such a huge Titanic guy. I mean, Dave's saying, here we go. I mean, could Fabrizio, could there be some sort of collab there? Keezy and Fabrizio, two worlds colliding. Keezy going with the pink cap from his collection, Dave, for this one. I think that's his favourite of the three colours.
56:20Charlie Eccleshare:But good to see Andy Gray on board with it all. Confirmation that he is indeed part of the new project. He is alive. But it's good to see Keezy isn't going it alone because I don't think that would have had the mileage. They need each other to a certain extent. Yeah, I look forward to hearing what the sound is going to be like on this podcast. They're free from the air con, but will we now have the winds of the bank sides of the Thames to contend with? Andy's got a picture in one of these photos Andy's got a face he's got his hands clasped together and he's sort of looking just over Kesey's head in a sort of contemplative way that I don't know I just recognise it so clearly in my mind Mulling something over Andrew Mulling yeah yeah has he been yeah has he been asking could Liverpool bring back Klopp you know some like ludicrous question like that and he's gone, maybe, maybe.
57:18Charlie Eccleshare:Is Andoni Iriola immediately under pressure, Andy? Yeah. He's getting his excuses in already, isn't he, Andy? I mean, what's it going to be called? I can't wait to find out. I can't wait to find out. But yeah, tangible evidence that something is happening. Let's give Andy Gray some more love, actually. This came from Jack. Here is some vintage Andy Gray from 2009. I never heard this example before, but it is classic Gray. Great ball drop, of course. A magnificent movement. From Commando Torres. You watch this ball in. Gerard gets involved here. Quick little one-two here. And suddenly the space is open for the cross.
57:56Watch Torres. There he goes across Alex. And it's a brilliant little guided header. It's a fine ball in. It's saying, does anyone want me? Yes, I do. Thank you very much.
58:09Charlie Eccleshare:More yearning in that one, Charlie, than normal. Does anyone want me? Yes, I do. It's like an 80s song. Love the ball doing the talking there. That's brilliant. It's great. For that particular type of cross, Dave, a very sort of mid to late 2000s goal that was. Fernando Torres, a glancing header after darting across his marker against Chelsea in 2009 at Anfield. Fabio Aurelio on the cross, I believe, and a real whipped cross and him darting across and then just nodding it powerfully, but also glancing. Yeah, very nice. That suits the kind of scenario that Andy Gray's painted there. It did have a little bit more desire about it, didn't it?
58:46Charlie Eccleshare:Yeah, pre-cutback. Yeah, exactly. Great goal. I don't want to get into, you know, football used to be great, but I'm pretty sure I haven't seen a goal like that in the Premier League for a very, very long time. And nor have I heard it co-commentated on by that. On the Reddit, Jungle Gatsby, very prolific Jungle Gatsby recently, Charlie. He says, what nickname will Keezy give Newcastle's new manager, Mateusz Yaisler, in his blog when it all starts to go a bit wrong? It's the perennial question now. I don't think anything fits for Yaisler. Well, the great thing is with him, it doesn't need to. I mean, this is the man who invented Um Hopeless, which, you know, so it could just be Matthias Hopeless.
59:22I mean, there was Eric Tentost, wasn't there? Matthias Wasteman. Matthias Toast.
59:27Charlie Eccleshare:Do you think Wasteman would ever enter Keezy's Lexicon, David? Matthias Wasteman. Wasteman. Well, look, he's back in London, maybe. Wouldn't it be more Matthias Waste of Time or something like that? Yeah, I like that. on on Gaisler Charlie a few years ago when he sort of popped up on the scene I found him ludicrous there was something ludicrous about him and and that that look has more or less remained but then I've heard him speak and his voice is very deep and there's something very deliberate and very impressive about the way he talks I have to say on a really basic level and I'm quite embarrassed to admit that I am impressed by him the way he talks and presents himself then of course he had his Newcastle unveiling at St James's Park this week and he did the thing of shaking hands with all the journos it's excruciating to watch them waiting in turn to be yeah yeah shaken by the big new man with his big arms where are where are we on that kind of general perception of it do you think do you think it's now like we've gone beyond classy touch because i feel like when um it zoomed past classy touch yeah but but there i think when rossini did it there was still a ah good on him you know like he's you know that was nice touch from him to do that obviously the fact that he then became such a kind of figure of ridicule and wasn't a hit it was probably a bit tainted and now it is a bit like what don't bother like it's just a gimmick i just think it's a massively inconvenient thing to do practically yeah because they've all got to lean over yeah it's not like they're lined up they all sat down in these little tight spaces packed into these little small press conference room like you just get all right can you just like wave at the front or something.
1:00:59Wave at everyone.
1:01:01Charlie Eccleshare:Thanks for coming. See you next time. Cheers, everyone. You've been great. I've been Matthias Yaislow. You've been Luke Edwards. I'll see you next week. Simply the best. I mean, yeah. It's the fact that if you're one of the journalists, you know you can't commit to doing anything until he's shaking your hand. You can't talk to someone else. You can't check your phone. So you've just got to wait there patiently. It's not like you can have a conversation. So you're just sort of like a schoolboy waiting to see the headmaster. Why does it need to be filmed? Why do people need to film him doing it?
1:01:35Charlie Eccleshare:I don't know. But yeah, it does sound, on the limited evidence that I have, a very Matthias Geisler thing to do and a very Newcastle thing to do as well. Finally, for Keys and Grey Corner, quite simply, the sound of Richard Keys on a line bike. Right, off you go, son. Rolling forward. Good luck, son.
1:02:00right there you go
1:02:10Charlie Eccleshare:coffee goes into the distance on a little live bike god bless richard keys where's he going oh wow it it honestly it it it looks like because keys he's wearing his little cap and he's got a little backpack on. Looks like a quite expensive little backpack as well. And Andy's pushing him off. It's like a dad pushing his son off on his first day to school. It really is. Goodbye Mr. Tom or whatever it is. That backpack is too much. It's too small and too expensive. It needs to be cheaper and bigger. It's impractical. There's something absolutely ludicrous about him addressing him as son like twice in quick succession.
1:02:50Charlie Eccleshare:One was needed. And Fella. Really? There was a feather in there as well? Yeah. Goodness me, I didn't keep tally. Yeah, well, great to see them back and in great nick. Anyway, thanks to you, Charlie Eccleshare. Thank you. Thanks to you, David Walker. Thank you. Thanks to everyone for listening. We'll be back on Tuesday. See you then. Brilliant!
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From the publisher
Adam Hurrey is joined on the Adjudication Panel by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker. On the agenda: Goalkeeping mistakes that rhyme with the player who pounces on them, a classic goal-commentating phrase gets some overdue analysis, David Seaman keeps his chuckle rate ticking over at Lord's, pondering the actual purpose of Dusan Vlahovic, Fabrizio Romano drops a bombshell hint over his own future, anticipating the new Amazon Prime series Meet the Owens, Matthias Jaissle impressing-by-numbers and Keys & Gray making moves in London town.
Meanwhile, the panel tackle the Happy Hunting Grounds Ladder for the first time this season.
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