Stutter steps in Budapest, Switzerland on Saturdays & Keysey's final sign-off

21:53But that moment when you see who's taking the next one, it's always a big one.

21:57Charlie Eccleshare:Yeah, you do make a sort of snap judgment, Charlie, based on their body language or simply who the player is as they're walking up about whether they're going to score or not. And the success rate is very low for people. There's confirmation bias with it quite often, a lot of the time. But on another note on penalty takers, obviously in the five substitute era, managers do tend to use all five subs towards the end of extra time. you always think you're taking off a penalty taker here and it no matter who who you're supporting or which team it is you always think that's a gamble isn't it but I suppose they must know what they're doing yeah and there's just too much football like extra time is just so long to be playing so like you know there was just no way have a Saka and Odegaard who are after Jokre's three best takers were ever going to be on the pitch at the end of extra time rolling subs yeah should be a lot to bring ball back on for the penalty as well Yeah, I mean, it is separate from the game after all, so why not bring them all back on?

22:51Charlie Eccleshare:But IFAP, don't get any ideas. The emotion of Saturday night gave way to the more serene scenes of the Arsenal Trophy Parade in North London on Sunday, Dave. Sky Sports News were all over this. There were live blogs. The Guardian live blogged it for a start, as did many other outlets. Seems like quite an odd thing to cover so comprehensively. Like, it is a thing, but is it a headline thing? Like, is it a big deal for anybody that doesn't support Arsenal? I was actually watching quite a bit of it on Sky Sports News on Sunday because I was on a train back from Sheffield on Sunday morning and I was actually quite surprised just how many Arsenal fans were making their way down to London from Sheffield and we stopped at Doncaster, loads more got on.

23:34Wow. There were shitloads of Arsenal fans waiting at Stevenage to get on the train down into King's Cross. It was a proper ever descending on the capital. and so i did feel like if you were in london like coming out of king's cross it was like arsenal fans everywhere it felt like a thing a big thing was happening but then watching it on sky sports news it was kind of like their their equivalent of covering like a royal wedding or a funeral like it was yeah gary cotter was doing the dimblebee sort of role presiding over it and just having to make small talk like because the buses were like waiting outside the stadium for ages they they They moved about 10 metres, then they stopped, and they were sort of speculating as to when they were going to get going and just trying to make all these observations about just nothing, really.

24:18Charlie Eccleshare:We do like a convoy in this country, don't we, Charlie? I mean, you know, be it a royal wedding, a funeral, OJ Simpson. Like, you know, this media are obsessed with filming things from above that are travelling at a snail's pace. Yeah, Dave's right as well about the kind of royal wedding-y element. That is a good kind of comparison. and I guess slightly different in that at least that does have like a sort of central moment. What's weird with something like this is there isn't that really. It's just kind of like drifting along for hours. It's not kind of building towards necessarily a conclusion or a crescendo.

24:48Charlie Eccleshare:I hope, Dave, that at the royal wedding there was like, you know, at least one instance of a so-called journalist complaining that they couldn't see the procession go past because someone had lit a flare in front of them after they'd been waiting for four hours, which to be honest was the funniest thing of all. Some red, white and blue flares down the mall. I've been waiting for five minutes. I was with my chimney camper and someone was let off a flare and now I can't see with my phone. There was a moment where Cotterill got really excited when Arteta waved at him as the bus went past. I'm surprised he didn't do a Tiananmen Square, Cotterill.

25:20God, it was a nice full circle moment for him after the balloon at the start of the season in the press conference.

25:26Charlie Eccleshare:Oh dear. Well, yeah, that's the Champions League final taken care of from start to finish. We'll be back very shortly with more adjudication panel.

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27:07Oh, look at that! That is wonderful!

27:36Charlie Eccleshare:to a double header on the World Cup, which we're going to get out before the World Cup starts as well. You can sign up at dreamland.footballcliches.com. Now, this came from Robbie. This is Paul Robinson on Five Life at Crystal Palace's Conference League triumph the other night. Who remembers that? Feels like a long time ago now. And Robbie says the Five Life co-commentator, Paul Robinson, was obsessed by the fact he could see the social media guy making this about 81 minutes in. just looking down beneath us around the Crystal Palace journalists he's just mocking up a montage of all the Crystal Palace players with a great big winner's sticker over the front of it Lejeune does hit one from range I was talking about his dead ball striking before the game that wasn't one of the ones I saw has dragged it well wide of the target and that sort of effort sums up a little bit of desperation that's his job Paul isn't it he's obviously got to do that but that to me that would really feel like potentially jinxing it it's just a little little look behind the curtain isn't it what we see in the press box i mean the amount of times that we see the journalists sat up here in and around us they've already written their piece they've already written the headlines and they've have to go out delete delete back in the olden days get the tip x out erase it all out and start again but it's great i mean this picture that i can see on his laptop in front it's one of oliver glasner right in the middle surrounded by a lot of crystal palace players and across the middle it just says winners and the picture of the europa conference league trophy tempting fate very much so 10 minutes to go but that is the job that he's got to do got to be ready for when the moment comes you can see a young viacano fan young boy in floods of tears don't spoil it paul robinson some people will be waiting for that graphic pour from him could have been an amazing commentator's curse though moment yeah if rio viacano had just rocketed one in right at the end of that is this the new trophy engraving charlie is this gonna be the new this give you a new way that people sort of say well this could be it now the final touch is being made to the montage it is weird how much collage jinxing tempting fate all of this stuff they're obviously it you know like arsenal got wenger to do a video saying like well done you've won the league i mean that could have never seen the light of day and that's like sorry arsene we do appreciate your time yeah because we obviously can't use it anymore it's funny how so i'm surprised that wenger did that because i footballers i think probably err on the side of superstition.

29:52So I, a couple of weeks ago, I was doing, working on a podcast with Joe Cole and Ashley Cole and the guest was Olivier Giroud and Ellen White. And the podcast has now gone out, but it was because of the way that this show worked. We recorded it the day before City played Bournemouth and I knew it was going to go out after the season had finished. So I said to them, guys, could we maybe just do a question as if Arsenal have won the league? Because I mean, they probably will. like can you just talk a bit generally about what an achievement it is you know just so it doesn't feel so you can still use it they're all like oh i don't know mate i'm not sure i'm not sure about that i just oh they haven't done it yet so you can do it right because you just do it for

30:33Charlie Eccleshare:the purposes of the product please something's got to override superstition eventually just pure cash um and another aspect of this charlie was paul robinson was completely obsessed by this guy making this collage in front of him, that he completely ignored the fact that Florian Lejeune was lining up a free kick and dragged it wide from 25 yards. So yeah, priorities there. But I'm warming to Paul Robinson because he was a bit terse at first, Paul Robinson. There was something a bit clipped about him. He started to loosen up, but now we've basically got this kind of battle of mid-2000s England goalkeepers.

31:08Charlie Eccleshare:Paul Robinson, Joe Hart, Rob Green. Where's this flurry of goalkeeping pundits come from? It's amazing. Yeah, I do think there is something quite analytical about goalkeepers. I think they probably do self-analyse more than a lot of outfielders. I remember interviewing Robbo a few years ago. It was during COVID, so we chatted for ages. It was a time where footballers were way more generous with their time than many of them had previously been. And I did find him quite an interesting guy. He clearly did have something about him. And I think the same with Green. And I don't know Hart, but I like Hart as a pundit.

31:41I think there is something about that position. One of the best jobs in broadcasting, the third choice goalkeeping pundit for Five Live. Never have to do anything. Just be on standby. Just ready with a mic.

31:52Charlie Eccleshare:Yeah, touch of the wet streetings about Paul Robinson. Really? Yeah. Sort of just a big square head. Okay, visually. I thought you meant like it is mannerisms. No, not politics actually. His view of the welfare state. Do you think they were ever in the England squad all at the same time? Robertson, Hart, Green. No. So I think Robinson would have been gone by the time Hart came in. David James is your other man looking for that. The 2010 World Cup, yeah. Right next up, with the World Cup fast approaching, this was very interesting from the other listener, Michael Cox, Dave. He says, In 1994, the World Cup expanded and Switzerland played in the first game on the Saturday versus USA.

32:31Charlie Eccleshare:In 1996 and 2016, the Euros expanded and Switzerland played on the first Saturday games against England and Albania, respectively. The World Cup expands again in 2026 and, surprise, surprise, Switzerland playing the first Saturday game against Qatar. They also played the first Saturday game in Euro 2008, 2020 and 2024. It's more a Euros thing, but it is somewhat ridiculous that a team can be so first game on a Saturday for a situation that arises every other year. And to be the first Saturday for four out of four expansions is mad, isn't it? I mean, who has picked up on this? Saturday, Switzerland.

33:04Charlie Eccleshare:Mad. Wow. Someone get this to Letizia quick. Yeah. Do you think this would be on his radar? neutral are they oh i don't think so um i mean i've got no anecdotal sort of evidence to back this up charlie but it does feel like switzerland you you you settled in for a saturday of good football and then it's switching you like oh for fuck's sake it is weird isn't it it shows how much kind of i don't know inbuilt prejudice and assumptions we have about nations there is just something unglamorous and sort of cold and clinical about Switzerland. I can't remember ever really getting into them or them having many players apart from maybe Shaqiri.

33:44Yeah, they're not unwatchable in recent years, Dave.

33:47Charlie Eccleshare:Just quite. They have something, fairly interesting squad full of familiar faces. Now I'm coming round to them a bit actually. In the last few tournaments, they've surpassed that kind of perception that you have of them. Yeah, with Shaqiri, like even Xhaka and, you know, So Breland Bolo's now familiar sort of character up front. And they beat France, didn't they, in Euro 2021. And like, so I'm sort of, I'm all right with Switzerland now. I think Austria have taken on the mantle of boring Central European team. Austria and Poland, I can do without. Yeah, stick them on ITV. I'm all right. Just crack on.

34:20Austria at least have like, they haven't been in every one. It's the fact that Switzerland, it's like familiarity breeds contempt. It's like they're always there. They're going to get to the last 16 and probably go out at that point. I mean, it's just a bit like, whereas Austria, it's like, they could be quite an exciting new team. Like when they first got in and they had Alaba and it was like, oh, yeah, maybe they'll be interesting.

34:39Charlie Eccleshare:Maybe it's a FIFA slash UEFA thing, Dave. Maybe they're just keeping the sweet Saturday primetime spots for their own, you know. But it all depends entirely on what group they're drawn into. So that's the rant. That's the incredible coincidence. They've always been drawn in the group that allows them to be on that day of the tournament. It's an incredible list of Saturdays. other listener Michael Cox well spotted I'm curious about the sort of thing that main listener Michael Cox would either find really interesting or absolutely despise and I don't think it would be anywhere in the middle with him yeah yeah he likes patterns I'd back him to enjoy it moving on this came from Max Not Max here is Ben Shepard invoking some classic Andy Townsend on the celebrity version of Tipping Point £2 ,700 Joseph Monaghan I have a one please Ben Joseph Monaghan I have a one please I have a one

35:37Nice.

35:38Charlie Eccleshare:It's a slightly obscure reference, Dave. It's probably the most obscure ITV game show football reference since that guy compared his lucky guess on the chase to David Nugent's one England goal against Andorra, which got some canned laughter. This time, there's a small percentage of listeners who are going to understand that one, surely. I like the fact that Ben Shepard's across Andy Townsend output sufficiently to drop that reference. That's great. I wonder what next. If he chucks in a Foo Fighters next time, Charlie, we know he's a listener. Get him on, Ben Sheppard on MHD. Next up, this came from NonsumQualisEram on Reddit.

36:13Charlie Eccleshare:It's football cliches in parenting. He says, parenting fan here in peace. I was at a soft play yesterday and heard a frustrated dad shout, come on, Kieran, switch on, when his son wasn't listening to him. Have you ever resorted to a switch on, Charlie? No, I don't think switch on. I think that is a bit much. I think what I would say in that situation. He could have pointed to his head as well, Dave, when he said that. Well, you'd hope so. Other suggestions from our listeners for punditry lines in parenting. Daniel Collins says he's got to put that away after the kid leaves his toys on the floor.

36:43Charlie Eccleshare:Very good. This is very Tim Vine or perhaps Milton Jones on Mock the Week. Costner's accent says kid that's upset with hand-me-downs for Christmas. I've seen them given. That's very clever. that is good i am i had a an offshoot of this recently um she's still taking my first soiree into parenting and there was a a moment a few weeks ago where one of the one of the early times where i was left alone with the baby for the first time and as you'd expect towards the end of this period baby was getting quite hungry started crying quite a lot i did all the normal things you know that you can try and do is the nappy need to be changed wave a few things in front of his face whatever nothing was working so i was sort of trying to kind of calm her down had her in my arms kind of walking around and then i just sort of broke into song and i was sort of trying to reassure her not that she could understand she was fucking six weeks old but i just started going na na na na na na na na na na na mommy's coming home coming home mommy's coming home i can sense the panic in the tone as well yeah that's reassuring yourself more than anything else right yeah this will soon be over for both of us oh the patriarchy anyway speaking of comforting father figures it's time for keys and gray corner

38:22Charlie Eccleshare:he's continuing his crisscrossing of the globe charlie between doha and london so we're trying to sort of keep track of where he is it's easy to lose track of where he is but he was at either a gatwickle he throw on his way to the plane, and then he spotted Concorde parked, an old Concorde parked by one of the terminals. What a travesty. This gorgeous plane doesn't fly anymore. Everything is gorgeous. Is Concorde gorgeous? I'm on board with it. Yeah, I mean, amongst, like, plane heads. Yes. I mean, yeah, did Concorde, I feel like Concorde is quite sort of kesey, coded somehow. I mean, when did it had its heyday in the 90s?

39:04Yeah, a bit. Yeah, exactly. If anything, it was too good.

39:09Charlie Eccleshare:So that was a great start to Keezy's weekend. Back in Doha, a few hours ahead of broadcast time, Mecca, he issued one of his final statements as a football broadcaster. Once more, under the breach. So here we are. The last one. This one is the last, last one. marking the end of 41 years doing the job. I am very proud of, I think, an almighty effort. Although I say it myself, got to. Not many others are. I didn't want to go without saying a big, big thank you to Qatar particularly because I'll miss this little country. I fully intend not to entirely cut ties because I can't. It's meant too much to me.

40:08But I just wanted to say a big, big thank you to everybody that's made my time here so enjoyable.

40:14Charlie Eccleshare:I am very much looking forward to the next chapter. It is the right time to go, both for everybody here because you need to refresh. Very much hoping our team wins the Champions League again. That's it. for this particular chapter. I repeat, deeply grateful to everybody here. Love this little place. And I'll see you in Hanalei.

40:42Charlie Eccleshare:We need to do a super, super montage of all the times he's referred to Qatar, Charlie. That was great. I won't cut all tyres. I can't. I won't. I won't do it. This little place. I'm going to miss this balcony, this relaxing balcony right next to the motorway. Yeah. Sort it out, Keezy. Jesus Christ, the traffic in Doha. You must know it by now. Does he qualify for citizenship? He's been there that long. Could he get a passport? I don't know. You'd have thought so. Next up, Keezy's last ever match night intro, and it's a touch of class. Before we talk about football, let's start with an historical fact.

41:19Charlie Eccleshare:The Rubik's Cube was invented in Hungary. It's one of the most difficult puzzles in the world to solve. We're in Budapest tonight at country's capital for a Champions League final. And I wonder who's got the formula to crack this one. That's class, Dave. There's a career at the Athletic waiting for him. Wow. Yeah, nice. You know, you say it's his last one. And I know we speculated last week about whether he could go elsewhere. But I do, I'm not sure that we have seen the last of Kesey. I reckon at some point he may well pop back up on a screen somewhere. Oh, yeah. Budapest as well is a nice touch.

41:57Charlie Eccleshare:Oh yeah, absolutely. For a little bit of clarification from the man himself, here he is signing off for the evening as he flies back to London.

42:27Charlie Eccleshare:I thought, why don't you just sneak past that? Well, we have. And it is, as I've mentioned a couple of times, I think now a source of real pride for me to think I've been at it as long as I have. Thank you all for your good wishes. Thank you, Katon. And I will definitely, definitely, with my colleague, be seeing you down the line. Charlie always love it when he chucks in random broadcasters from your into one of those monologues. But it really did sound like he was just rubbing in. We've done it, Steve. We've done it, just to be clear. And we very much went past Steve Ryder. He knows that. What's Steve Ryder even doing these days?

43:10He's still doing stuff? Didn't think he was. I don't know. Maybe he pops up in foreign countries. He's out in Saudi. Maybe. Gizzi's sitting there in his, what looked like his sort of business class seat on Qatar Airways. the national carrier yeah um gorgeous imagine you were sat like because you know you know you often if you if you have ever sat in business class you have those bits where you're kind of facing each other sometimes yeah and you can wind up the screen yeah imagine if you were you happen to be sat in the in the one opposite kesey that's his 12th take of that video excuse me sir sir sir we can you do we need to take off now can we just one moment it's 41 years

43:53Charlie Eccleshare:screen goes slowly up. Good night.

44:00They don't seem to have the guns of Navarro on the in-flight menu. These darn peanuts.

44:05Charlie Eccleshare:They never open.

44:09Charlie Eccleshare:Anyway, look forward to seeing what's in store for him this summer. Thanks to you, Charlie Eccleshare. Thank you. Thanks to you, David Walker. Thank you. Thanks to everyone for listening. We'll be back on Thursday with the Football Clichés Quiz 25. See you then.

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