That Man DCL, heading your granny & clowns in Slough bunkers

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1:19He is, you know. Oh, I see! Brilliant! The cheese! He's ran the goalkeeper. He's done it! Absolutely incredible. He launched himself six feet into the crowd and Kung Fu kicked a supporter who was without a shadow of a doubt giving him lip. Oh, I say, it's amazing. He does it time and time and time again. Break up the music. Charge a glass. This nation is going to dance all night.

1:55Charlie Eccleshare:The free-scoring Dominic Calvert-Lewin passes a very particular threshold. Ofcom yet to investigate match of the day having two goalkeepers on together as pundits. Shea Given ups the ante with a proverbial footballing granny. Hip-hop with Gary Weaver. Joe Cole turns into Harry Redknapp in front of your very ears. Lucas Paquetar's anglophone equivalent. Professional leagues basing their salary cap on where journalists rank their players in end-of-season lists. And a tree with the voice of Richard Keyes. Brought to your ears by Goalhanger Podcasts. This is Football Clichés.

2:31Charlie Eccleshare:Hello everyone and welcome to Football Clichés. I'm Adam Hurry and with me for the final episode of 2025 is Charlie Eccleshare. How are you doing? Very well, thank you. And David Walker. How are things? Things are good. Charlie, this is an awkwardly placed post-best-of adjudication panel for the final episode of 2025. So it can't be too good. It will undermine the whole concept of the best-of. Yeah, that's true. And it wouldn't be eligible for 2026, would it? It wouldn't kind of sneak in on a technicality. Yeah. So don't come up with any kind of all-timer lines tonight because it's just not going to work.

3:04Charlie Eccleshare:I'll reign it in. I had some really good stuff planned as well, but I'll save it. It's like any music you listen to in December on Spotify doesn't count for your wrapped. Yeah, you pick up some good tunes in December as well. Yeah, but listen to some good stuff this month. Yeah, get a lot of time on your hands. So yeah, you can really flow. So this episode is being recorded, Dave, mere hours after the Football Clichés Christmas quiz. What a night. The concept has been proved, right? It's happening. It's definitely a thing now. Yeah, it was great. Really good fun. Great to see so many people keen to get involved and raise a decent amount of money for shelter in the end.

3:41And, you know, it wouldn't be Football Clichés quiz slash event if something didn't go slightly wrong. There were a couple of little wrinkles in the last round. We managed to iron them out pretty swiftly. So I think everyone went home happy.

3:56Charlie Eccleshare:It's not like it's my day job to fact check things or anything like that. So incredible. Most of the questions were watertight. 700 odd teams as well. I can't believe it. A great night. Everyone seemed to enjoy it. And well done to Jackie Milburn Psychiatrists for running away with it. Not really run away with it at all, actually. They won by a single point to claim the big prize. So yeah, sensational stuff. Look forward to doing it again another time. writes the final adjudication panel of 2025 begins with this um returning to the theme of recent chat an incredible amount of correspondence we had about this dave on cubs football and the main takeaway from that discussion was just how many forms of football should kids ever be involved in and it felt like cubs football was extraneous basically rich temple writes in and says i was fascinated by dave mentioning that he played cubs football i never did but i did play for my village paper shop when i was at secondary school there was an annual five-a-side tournament consisting of teams from paper boys.

4:50Charlie Eccleshare:I can't remember any girls playing. There must have been. In the Chesterfield area held at a local leisure centre. It took place on a Sunday afternoon. I remember we once got to the final and lost in extra time. Games were typically of about 10 to 15 minutes duration. It just goes to show, you know, if kids gather in any meaningful way, you can make a football league out of it. Yeah, wow. Paper. Paper boys football. I mean, presumably all of them had good engines, Charlie. That's just a pretty dynamic sort of competition, you'd imagine. Yeah, good cardio. Yeah. This reminds me, did either of you play the Paperboy game on the Game Boy?

5:22Yeah. I had it on Amstrad. Right, yeah. I mean, that seems just so mad that that was a thing, but yeah, I just play that a lot. No one talks about the demise of the paper round, do they? In all the hand-wringing about the death of print, no one ever thinks about the paper round. That crucial route into the Labour force is gone for a generation.

5:41Charlie Eccleshare:It lives on in that kind of tough paper round thing, which is always chucked around willy-nilly, I think. It's very tenuous sometimes, but it's been replaced by the sort of low-key, slightly down-at-heel bloke who puts leaflets through doors, which doesn't have the glamour of Paperboy. Yeah, they're kind of resented, aren't they? Whereas Paperboy was performing a valuable community service. Yeah, leave them a Christmas tip and everything. Yeah, shame. But, you know, we'll find a role for them somewhere. Right, Dominic Calvert-Lewin, Charlie, has scored for a sixth game in a row over Christmas, which officially triggers this.

6:18And who else picked Dominic Calvert-Lewin for Leeds? Firmly in who else territory now, right? Yeah, yeah, it had to be him. I remember, I think the peak Andy Johnson got, it's you know who, which I think is even more, you know, if he scores in his next game. Because you've got to go somewhere, if you've done this already, what's the next stage? and yeah, that was one for AJ.

6:40Charlie Eccleshare:There's a hint of weariness in you-know-who. It's him again, for fuck's sake. Yeah, presumably after he'd scored another penalty for Palace that season, which he probably dived for. Yeah. On this theme, this came from Fraser Thomas, who was watching the World Feed commentary of Sunderland versus Leeds. Here's Paul Robinson on co-coms, addressing the Calvert-Lewin England situation. Of course, we're heading into a World Cup year, so the conversation will continue, whether or not summer's super season there's the back up to Harry Kane how do you view that situation Paul Robinson would you take Dominic Carver to the World Cup not at the moment he keeps scoring goals like he is he's got to put himself in that conversation as we've already just started a conversation about it now he keeps doing that he's going to be in the conversation he's going to be on people's lips in the next few weeks incredible over addressing of the concept of a conversation Dave wow yeah so has the conversation started or not Paul he's in a conversation my favourite bit Charlie by a mile was him just realising he's suddenly actually in a conversation about it which is really good he's an odd bloke isn't he actually Paul Robinson I have interviewed him before he is intense that distinction with the conversation and a conversation is a really good one and I thought he was going to go off in the direction we'd gone in on the how many games consecutively he sort of semi-addresses that he's like well if he keeps scoring at this rate he will be in He does hit on something in that there is a sort of, there's a desire for there to be a clamour around someone.

8:13And he's the most obvious guy at the moment. But because we are just so far away from the next international break and then the World Cup, it's like too early for a proper clamour to start, really. Because it could all be over by the time we get to March. He could have completely dropped off or injured or whatever. So, you know, it's not quite right yet, is it? But there's no point clamouring at this point because there isn't a squad for a few months. So it's kind of like a waste of breath. Like I don't want to shout and lose my voice for March, you know, it's kind of pointless. I mean, obviously like the conversation he realised, you know, is a kind of big, vast concept.

8:46But what is the closest conversation to the conversation? like i feel like i think maybe the news is so spread so thinly nowadays you wouldn't really get it but like what would that be would that be like on stick to football when you know neville keen and the others are fully going at it does that become the conversation is that the kind of moment that you know you've made it into the conversation that's a good point like yeah what

9:09Charlie Eccleshare:represents the conversation i mean to me dave it's into 606 like that's the national conversation It doesn't necessarily need to be agenda-setting people doing the conversation. It should be the general public, I would say. Not a Leeds fan as well. It needs to be someone who isn't a Leeds fan proposing him to be on the plane. I mean, look, we did a pod last week on the England pod where we picked our squad as it stands now, if the World Cup was now, and I've got him in there. So I've started the conversation. This is like a newspaper backing a candidate for privacy, isn't it? We're getting behind him officially.

9:43It was Dave Walker what won it.

9:46Charlie Eccleshare:we set the agenda here we did pose the question about how many how many consecutive goals it would take for calvin to be in the england conversation and he's living it out so this is great i get if he's if he's being talked about on match the day you're you're in the conversation then aren't you yeah that's pretty big time that's like i played a radio one or something yeah yeah that that is the conversation still even now sticking with match of the day let's go back to december the 20th and kelly cates introducing her studio guests good evening There are eight Premier League games to show you tonight and we'll find out who will occupy the number one spot at Christmas.

10:18Speaking of number ones, we're in safe hands tonight.

10:21Charlie Eccleshare:If they say a pundit is for life, not just for Christmas, well, we've got two keepers. Joe Hart and Shea Given are here. Yep, solid, solid punning for your double goalkeeper punditry team. But Ryan Leach writes in, Dave, says not having two goalkeepers and no outfield player doing punditry on match of the day. Only one keeper max allowed, surely. Are we seeing a tide turning? Was this just a quirk of the scheduling? Or was this deliberate? You can't have two keepers on, surely. It is weird. It's definitely not something you see often. I mean, I guess they're both just part of the team, aren't they?

10:53Maybe it's just the way that the rotation has fallen, the availability. I don't think it would be a purposeful thing. It's not goalkeeping special, is it?

11:01Charlie Eccleshare:They looked at the fixture list and thought, this looks really goalkeeping. It is a bit weird. Like I can imagine, you know, people being a bit like, you know, you want your analysis. Who's going to do the analysis of, you know, any sort of outfieldy stuff? Yeah, can't trust them. Yeah, it is so specialised. I mean, but then I was thinking like, you know, if it was a goalkeeper and a former defender, I guess you still have that absence. You know, if you're trying to analyse a forwards clever runs or something. But then I guess you've got the, yeah, as a defender, that's a nightmare kind of thing.

11:30And you can't do that as a goalkeeper. Like, oh yeah, those channel runs, you hate seeing that from your vantage point on your goal line. Well, I guess Kelly can chip in on behalf of her dad in terms of forward movement. She's the closest to it.

11:42Charlie Eccleshare:God. Maybe it's more of a subtle kind of issue than I realised, because the Telegraph didn't pick up on it as like, this is like the death of BBC Sport or something like that. Who would have been turning in their grave? Yeah, exactly. Loro turning in his grave. Jimmy Hill. On Shea Given, by the way, this came from David Russell. Here's Shea Given talking about Sunderland defender Dan Ballard. And I love Dan Ballard. He's absolutely brilliant in there. He goes and tacks over and he'd head your granny. He really would. He's absolutely brilliant in that position. This is a variation, Dave, on the classic of, you know, he'd tackle his own granny, which is seen to be the kind of hypothetical extreme of a player wanting to win the ball as much as possible.

12:27Charlie Eccleshare:But I've never heard it sort of used for somebody else's granny. is that worse if you headbutted somebody else's granny is that worse than headbutting your own it is worse it's worse than tackling as well because you know you could tackle the granny cleanly you could just get you know get the ball and she's unharmed but if you're heading her she's definitely she's going to be in pain game stops immediately the ref summons on the physio it's a head injury concussion sub for the granny just get another granny on yeah get the other from the other side of the family on nan comes on and that granny can't can't grandparent for seven days, according to the rules.

13:05Charlie Eccleshare:Charlie, this is actually a melding together of two kind of extreme hypotheticals. Tackling your granny and heading away an absurd object X. And I can't work out what the thing should be. He would head anything away. He'd head away a bus. He'd head a brick wall. Someone's thrown granny into the mixer. That's a flying granny. speculative looping granny can't keep saying granny I don't think there is a hypothetical object to be headed away no I can't think what it is but not a definitive one yeah but anyway yeah but yeah very extreme stuff from Shea Given let's move on this came from Jim Scarlett here is Sky Sports News reporting on Hearts vs Rangers and Hearts fans were in dreamland moments later Lauren Shanklin firing his shot has Jack Holland and your host.

14:01Charlie Eccleshare:Lovely to see a Dreamland, Charlie. It was always going to happen. Is this an autocue situation, Dave, or do some people just want to call it Dreamland? They want to sort of tone it down a bit. Yeah, I don't think it's an autocue thing. It'd be great if it was a Ron Burgundy-esque situation. But maybe it's just a North of the Border thing. Maybe any subscribers from Scotland, we can rebrand it as Dreamland for them. Dreamland, yeah. It really does tone it down. It doesn't quite have the same go at us at all. speaking of gravitas here's gary weaver on commentary duty for swansea versus wrexham now swansea of course are some shares in swansea are owned by snoop dog let's remember that he's got underneath it he's having to race back now and race back he does and he's dropped it and he is punished and amida is there to possibly win this game for swansea city Arthur Okonkwo dropped it like it was hot

15:03Swansea strike again and this Welsh City by the sea rises up to rejoice

15:11Charlie Eccleshare:Two things here Charlie One, clearly getting out of line he couldn't wait to get out had it ready for whenever the opportunity presented itself and then after he'd done it straight back into classic Weaver the same tone and everything amazing didn't break stride. On the subject of who else but, I mean, when Swansea versus Wrexham, you know, when that, you know, there's no issue there with the rotor. You know, straight away, you're not getting two goalkeepers in for that one. That is Gary Weaver all over. Yeah, it just lacked some sort of medieval structure to be involved here, Dave. Other than that, Gary Weaver very much on form.

15:45Absolutely. I mean, basically the only possible scenario for that line to be used, a goalkeeper in a goalkeeping era. So he must have been waiting for that scenario to happen all season. Yeah.

15:56Charlie Eccleshare:It was one of those ludicrous goalkeeper handling errors I've seen for a while. It was like proper Danny Baker video stuff as well. I wonder if he'll go to the well anymore this season if he gets Swansea. Go through the back catalogue of Snoop Dogg and see what you can do, Gary. Oh, God, I'm not encouraging it whatsoever. They'll be sipping on gin and juice tonight. I'm glad you had one. I'm glad you had one ready. That's all. Weaver's having a sort of villary kind of season, Charlie. He started off quietly, wasn't really on our radar, and now he's smack bang in the middle of the conversation.

16:24Yeah, over-performing on many metrics.

16:29Charlie Eccleshare:But he won't win commentator of the year. He's never going to win it. Of course he won't. No, he won't. This next one came from Bill Sims, Dave. It's from the BBC Match Report of Chelsea's 2-2 draw at Newcastle. It says, Chelsea forward Jao Pedro haunted former suitors Newcastle United as his side showed their powers of recovery. Can you haunt a former suitor, Dave? That's a weak commenting, isn't it? Who are you again? Sorry. Yeah, former suitor. like how advanced was the suiting at the time do i know you are you something for my past like oh what i mean given yeah he probably won't have well it depends how advanced he's talked got i don't imagine you know he was sort of if he'd got if he'd got as far because some transfers they have got to the training ground and that sort of thing sure so that might add it you know some credibility as a haunting i just i don't think that would even get close to a haunting you can't You can't haunt a club that you've never played for, I don't think.

17:23Charlie Eccleshare:No. And if it was just a link, if it was just reports or for Rixier Romano tweeting it out, whatever it might be. Yeah, you're right, Charlie. There has to be some level of properly advanced talks, concrete talks have to have taken place, I reckon. It had to be concrete at the very least. Could Willian have haunted Spurs, you know, having basically been their player, done a medical and all that sort of stuff? Yeah, I see because that was very close, wasn't it? So I do sort of see it, but no, you can't go back and haunt something. And I still think that would be more like Rob's salt in the wounds kind of thing.

17:57Like Ezra earlier this season. That wasn't a haunting. Yeah, I see what you mean.

18:01Charlie Eccleshare:Yeah, a narrative twist, but not a haunting. And it was a case of here's what you could have won. Yeah. The ghost of Christmas could have been. Or might have been for Scrooge. Right. This came from Ned Bolting, of all people, former MHD star. here is Joe Cole on 5 Live just before Christmas slowly gradually gently morphing into Harry Redknapp

18:27do you remember it? I don't but it does sound like something I might have said yeah yeah it was you see that should that should be in the book Coley that should be in the book yeah yeah I'm pretty sure probably we're in a relegation scrap and Joey's off to Barca Coley talk talk to me about Chelsea because you were You signed on the same day as Seba Varon, if memory serves me correctly. Is there not a tale about an argument over the number 10 in your dad? Yeah, yeah. I mean, we spoke to Claudio.

19:02Charlie Eccleshare:It took a while. One step forward, two steps back, and then finally went full head-napped at the end there. That is incredible. That is such a great spot. Wow. I'm chuffed that Ned Bolting is on the lookout for this stuff for us more than anything, Dave, actually, to be honest. It's great. You're right. Just that last little... Yeah, yeah. Just perfect, Harry. I guess, yeah. If you stay at West Ham long enough, that's what happens. Right. Speaking of West Ham, saw a tweet from a very angry West Ham content producer. West Ham today, woeful. Merry Christmas. Relegation form. Bowen, not at it. Somerville, a shadow of the player.

19:42Charlie Eccleshare:is signed from Leeds. Tadibo and Magasa, solid. That's about it. Paquetta, all tricks, no output, tantrums included. If he was English and called Luke Packett, he'd be fighting for championship minutes. Now, traditionally, Dave, we would laugh at this and go, that's ridiculous, but that's such a good championship footballer's name. Luke Packett. That's Gary Weaver Friday night, Sheffield Wednesday versus, I don't know. Luke Packett. Where's Luke Packett? What does he look like? What positions is he playing? Former England under 21, by 100 % Luke Packett Luke Packett it's almost a good darts name but actually when you think about it what's the nickname what would you actually have in the middle I think that would be the nickname Luke the Packet Luke the Packet Packet whatever his actual surname is yeah come on let's do better than that can't you Luke the real McCoy Packett yeah nice Packet Christmas I mean Luke Packett it definitely has the kind of shave sides and sort of you know side parting great blonde sleeve tattoos yeah yeah exactly um sort of dresses like a number 10s or styles himself like a number 10 charlie but isn't a number 10 he's basically just a functional eight at best yeah or could even be a fall but like an attacking fallback yeah matty cash kind of yeah exactly exactly look packet i mean whisper it quietly but they could do worse than luke packet i think he could do a job i think there'll be a number of premier league clubs sniffing around.