Vertical highlights, Farage's footballspeak & Stockley Park's canteen crisis

25:29Charlie Eccleshare:And if you want to try NordVPN for yourself, go to nordvpn.com slash cliches, and our link will also give you four extra months on the two-year plan. It's the best discount available. There's no risk with Nord's 30-day money-back guarantee, and the link is also in our podcast description if you need it. We'll be back very shortly.

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27:33Charlie Eccleshare:Welcome back to Football Clichés. This is the Adjudication Panel. A reminder that for£5.99 a month, you can become a Football Clichés member. you can join Dreamland, where you'll get two episodes a month of Dreamland, our exclusive new show, and ad-free listening to all of our episodes. As Dave alluded to earlier, episode five of Dreamland is out now, the perfect football season. Charlie, we tried to assemble the major and minor components of the optimum football season, a campaign where everything ends up in its rightful, logical place. Once we got through the ethos and figured out what we were doing, it was really good fun, actually.

28:09Yeah, I think we've all got a lot of thoughts on that sort of thing. I think it's sort of thing as well listeners will have thoughts on as well. So hopefully it'll resonate.

28:18Charlie Eccleshare:One of those episodes where I'm glad my observations on the acceptable FA Cup finalists only went out to a listenership of about four figures, Dave. Yeah, you're talking about the old double slug final, weren't you? Portsmouth and West Brom. Oh, thank you for that. Okay, we've increased that listenership. Sorry, everyone. Portsmouth and Cardiff. Yeah, offended another team with West, just assuming it's always West Brom. Right. Yes, go to dreamland.footballcliches.com to enjoy all of that. You're going to love this. This came from Elliot. Here is West Brom midfielder Isaac Price being asked about his brace against Wrexham this weekend.

28:54Charlie Eccleshare:Which goal pleased you most? I think they're both different goals, aren't they? But the second one is something I've tried to work on a little bit more, the timing, arriving in between defenders. And yeah, headers is something I should definitely get a lot more goals on. I'm 6 '2", 6 '3". Like Jed said, I should be in there more scoring more headers. He can't list his own heights. You've got to know how tall you are. This is insane. Unless he's still growing, which he might well be at the age of 21. Yeah, I can sort of see that. Because I'm a half-inch man. I'm six foot one, six foot two. Do you think this is what it is?

29:25So it's like, I'm always like, I don't know. I feel like I'm lying a bit if I say six foot two. It's not quite right. But then I don't want to downgrade myself. And you don't want to go for the half-inch because it looks a bit... It's a bit much, isn't it? No, you can't say that. But also, I think it's... How often do you actually measure yourself? you know at some point when you sort of think that you've stopped growing whenever that might come in your teens or whatever or whenever it is you might measure yourself and that's it but you know you sometimes think am i still that height have i gone down a bit like have i've

29:54Charlie Eccleshare:like going up a shoe size oh that's nice anyway i went to his wikipedia page dave and he's listed six for four wow he could have gone for the trio that would have been so good yeah you can't go for you would never do the three charlie right that would make no sense oh god i mean that's For yourself, that really is a law. That means you've got no grasp on how tall you are, which would be absolutely insane. Quite a flex. I'm that relaxed about it. Wearing studs as well. They could chip you over the edge, couldn't they? Yeah, that's true. Riding to Isaac Price's defence here, both of you. Good to see.

30:26Charlie Eccleshare:Now, next up, John Myers. Got in touch on Friday night, Charlie, with a finely poised dilemma. He says, I'm on holiday with my wife and two kids under five, And I've been given leave to watch the first half of the Liverpool versus Bournemouth game. I'm a Manchester United fan. What is an acceptable score to leave here happy but not desperate to stay? Obviously, I would take 5-0 Bournemouth. But what's the right answer? This is a fascinating dilemma. Only getting to watch the first half is a hard situation. That's really hard as it is. I mean, well, happy in what sense? Like, happy that you're not missing anything.

30:59If Liverpool were 3-0 up, if you're a United fan, you'd be like, well, fuck this. I don't really want to watch the second half anyway. to actually feel happy that the result you want, which is presumably Liverpool not winning, I mean, that's, Bournemouth would have to have a big lead. But even then, I think you'd still then, well, no, I think if they were like 3-0 up, because if they're 2-0 up, you'd think, well, Liverpool are probably going to draw this anyway or might even win it. I think at 3-0 up, you'd be like, there's a very good chance Liverpool are dropping points here. And all I'm going to be watching in the second half is Liverpool attacking and scoring potentially.

31:31And I don't, like, I've seen the fun bit. this is the half I wanted to have seen. From here on in, I'll sort of take it.

31:36Charlie Eccleshare:Still feels quite far-fetched 3-0 Bournemouth away at Anfield. Dave, I mean, realistically, would you... I mean, 2-1 Bournemouth? Like, just to say, you've seen enough goals. You've seen quite a few goals in the first half of football. You know, just as a general neutral football fan. But you're left with the fact that Liverpool are having to fight back in the second half and Bournemouth might cling on. What about a really, really dull 0-0 where Liverpool aren't playing well? Liverpool looking just looking like they're not gelling and Bournemouth are just being Bournemouth. So you don't really want to see any more of it.

32:06You're satisfied that Liverpool aren't looking that good this season. And I actually don't want to watch another 45 minutes of that. So I'm happy to get out of there.

32:12Charlie Eccleshare:A finely poised answer to a finely poised dilemma. I think that might be the most realistic option. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure I've been in this situation before, Charlie, where I've only had the chance to watch the first half of the game. I just think, yeah. I have had it before with childcare where I could only go to the first half of a game. I'm not exaggerating. I know, it was awful. I just could, I tried every avenue, couldn't get it. But I was like, well, half's better than nothing. Why bother? Really? You just thought that, really? Yeah, because I'm like, I'll go for a half. Because by the same logic, what if the first half is 3-0 and then nothing happens in the second?

32:43You're like, that was well worth it. Saw all the goals, brilliant. As it happens, the first half was 0-0. And on the three minute vertical highlights package, there was one, The second half was then really exciting. Loads happened. There was one thing from the first half, which was like a sort of P-roll of volley that dribbled wide. That was what I got for that 45 minutes of football. Also a terrible ratio of like travel to and from the game for minutes watched. All awful, but I'd do it again.

33:09Charlie Eccleshare:Yeah, that's loyalty. That is loyalty. Now, Dave, you'll remember from last week, someone got in touch with a kind of unsolicited listeners, Mesut Haaland Dix, where they said, well, they look up stadiums on Google Maps and find that the pitch hasn't been readied for football. It's either missing or it hasn't had the lines painted. And there was a remarkable ratio that they'd found of stadiums not in football mode. And we had some theories that satellites are a clearer view during the summer when football isn't on. But Benjani56 has taken it upon himself to do the research on this. And he says, if like me, you listened to the most recent podcast and wanted to know the state of every prem pitch on Google Maps, and here is the answer.

33:49Charlie Eccleshare:Intact pitches 16, no pitch, two, Spurs and West Ham. Something in the middle, two, Burnley and Palace. That is, their pitches are being relayed or, you know, just having work done on them. Can you see the groundsman rolling out the pitch then in the shots? Yeah, I mean, that would be fantastic. But yeah, Spurs and West Ham, of course, Dave, are in concert mode on Google Maps, which feels massively unsatisfying. Yeah, I mean, Spurs, yeah, a lot of concerts there and both of them. But I guess it would be even better if you got them while they were hosting another sport. So boxing at Tottenham or the baseball at West Ham would be good, wouldn't it?

34:27That would really blow your mind if you didn't know what was going on there.

34:30Charlie Eccleshare:Yeah. Charlie, as a footnote to this, Benjani56 says, none of them are being played on in the images, disappointingly, football or otherwise. Do you reckon the Premier League would clamp down on it if a satellite catches? Don't have the rights. you could piece all those images together and make some highlights you know that's that's you know space piracy all that would happen though is somebody would just end up sending it to you and you'd have to work out what minute of the match it was oh it was playing yes that's the frontier yeah it's probably for the best i'm in a real rut with some of these at the moment i had to tweet one out and uh yeah people sending in clearly incorrect suggestions come on guys it's a um this thing is a similar phenomenon to when you go past a football stadium on a train or maybe even by car and you can get a sufficient angle to get a little peek into the ground and like the the den when you're going out the train on london bridge you're going south out of london bridge you can see clearly into that for a few seconds and if you if you time it right you do it on a match day you can you can see what's happening and it feels it feels very nice if you feel like yeah you've stolen something a little bit there but equally if you go past in the summer and the pitches in a state of disrepair it's not not as fun no not in its right mode king of punk 69 on reddit next charlie says when is the best moment for a manager to drop the i think you've seen the champions there or words of that effect after a valiant loss is there a statute of limitations can you go too early with this could you do it on day one charlie i mean it seems a bit i think that would be pretty bold yeah um there also has to be an element of like you would I don't think you just said about like Pep City as they went for their like fourth title or something.

36:09Because it's kind of like, well, yeah, we sort of all know that. Like I think there has to be like, I think like last season you might have done it with Liverpool in about October, say, when, you know, Arsenal and City had been the favourites for the title. Liverpool hadn't won it for a while. They've got a new manager, but they started really well. And I think at that point you could maybe pull the, I think you've seen the champions today. I mean, maybe you could go earlier. That would be bolder. But I think that's an acceptable time. because that's the point at which it's like, oh, you know, we're getting to around, like we're getting to double figures games in.

36:41This isn't just a sort of early season flash in the pan. This is serious stuff now.

36:47Charlie Eccleshare:Yeah, there probably isn't really a sweet spot for this necessarily, Dave, but King of Punk 69 goes on to say later in the season, they can of course switch to the old best team we've played all year, which I think is a classy thing to say as well. But it also, there's a bit of sort of reflected glory on your own team, isn't there? Sort of, you know, look at what we were up against today hey, we acquitted ourselves well. I think in this context, in the Premier League, like, yeah, I think it would be very early to say after the first game about any team, especially when the three favourites all won.

37:15But it feels like something that Kesey might say. He'd go early with it and go, you know, in the blog maybe, and go, I know it's early, but I think we've seen the champions there today. Ominous. Well, I can, yeah, and I think it, because I don't think we hear so much of it anymore. I think it is quite a like early-ish Premier League thing. in the post-match analysis when Andy's left the commentary booth and is now in the studio, I think that Kesey would pull the, have we just watched the Champions today, Andy? In a kind of like, you know, like laying it down. Could be. Yeah, could be. Almost like a broadcaster calling the election.

37:47Maybe. Can we go? Is it too early?

37:51Charlie Eccleshare:I do think week one is too early, but I do like the device, I have to say. Next up, MJ88 writes in, Dave, and says, Bonnie Blue has been doing so many interviews recently, it feels like her media run is reminiscent of a newly jobless manager after a long run of employment can we see bonnie blue on monday night football soon christ i don't think we want to see that do we bloody hell dave jones jamie carrigan bonnie blue the last half an hour of that episode would be oh god yeah just gonna have a look back at some of your some of your career highlights bonnie talk us through this one my goodness right yeah moving very swiftly on um alexander Pitt writes in, Charlie, and says, I'm watching Sunday League football in Salford and the keeper's just given away a corner to the opposition team for not releasing the ball.

38:33Charlie Eccleshare:I think the game's gone. It's permeated to Sunday League already. Brilliant. Just thinking how annoying that would be on both, like, yeah, if that's your team getting that done. The clampdown has gone that far, Dave. A mate of mine and listener, Will, messaged me over the weekend, said that he saw this in his game as well. And I think, actually, yeah, we hadn't, we should have thought about this. This was obviously how the ultimate repercussions of this rule change. They're not going to be felt at the top level. This is basically like foul throws again, isn't it? There's going to be over-officious refs at Sunday League counting every single time keepers have the balls and it's going to be loads of corners given for that.

39:13Charlie Eccleshare:Off the top of your head, Dave, would you say that the release time for goalkeepers and the ball at Sunday League is longer than in the Premier League? Given all the factors involved, do they release the ball slower at Sunday League? Are they more in danger? I don't think so. But maybe towards the end of the game, there is a bit of sort of copycat time-wasting creeping in. But yeah, you're right. It probably shouldn't happen, but it wouldn't surprise me if the refs are counting really quickly or something. Yeah, I get it. The arguments that are going to ensue after these can be brilliant. But Charlie, the first one in the Premier League this season came at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, Tottenham versus Burnley, when Martin Dubravka was punished.

39:53Charlie Eccleshare:and I was fascinated to see how the players reacted to it. And Richarlison ran up to De Bravko and tried to get the ball off him because I think on that basis alone, I think Richarlison thought that he got an indirect free kick and he was trying to take it really quickly. There's no point in trying to get the ball really quickly for a corner, is there? Unless you're really trying to take a quick corner, which I don't think was in his mind. So I think just the players weren't really ready for it as a scenario at all. They haven't listened to the long briefings they must have had on it. Exactly.

40:21Charlie Eccleshare:They had an all-hands with PGMOL and they just got bored at the last bit. But yeah, we are advised, Dave, that this is not going to happen very often. The whole point of it is to deter situations like this and move the game on. But referees aren't really going to be trying to award as many corners as they can. Yeah. On another sort of refereeing note, the disallowed Eberiche Eze goal against Chelsea on Sunday. Did you know about that rule before? You're not allowed to be within a metre or a yard of the defensive wall as an attacking player. Yeah, I knew about it, but it's rare to see it sort of become visible and be sort of deployed as a rule.

40:58Charlie Eccleshare:But it was also quite an extreme example of the rule being sort of broken because obviously Gay, he just sort of basically just threw Corella into the wall and followed him along. It was a very violent sort of way of getting yourself closer to a wall. So in the last game of last season, Sunday League, we had a free kick outside the box. Oh, right. I did that. I just went and stood on the end of the wall thinking that I could do that just in case it dropped or whatever. And the referee moved me away and said, no, you've got to be a metre. And I think, yeah, there are quite lots of those little tiny little quirks that, again, you might in a weird way have more knowledge of the rules than professional players because of the way that Sunday League refs operate sometimes.

41:38Well, yeah, I mean, do you think, I mean, I don't even know if this is a rule at Premier League, but you know you can't say mine or leave it at amateur level. Is that a rule at Premier League level or is that just coached out? You know how proper footballers just know never to say that. They've got all these things that they should say.

41:54Charlie Eccleshare:There was a big controversy about this. I'm sure it happened in an EFL game in the last few seasons. Tell you who it was. Where an opposition... Go on. I'll tell you who it was. If you're talking about the same incident. 2019... No, was it 2017-18? Okay. Watford were beating Bournemouth at Bournemouth. and the ball was rolled to Nathaniel Chalabar in space in the area and one of Bournemouth's players, I think Charlie Daniels? I think it was Harry Arter, wasn't it? Harry Arter, yes. He said, mine or leave it. And I think he said, leave it. And Chalabar just like completely left it and the ball just rolled past him and Bournemouth got it.

42:32I don't know if he got booked or not, but I remember it being a big thing. Chalabar was going mad at the ref.

42:36Charlie Eccleshare:I don't think the referee gave it. Chalabar just ran after him. It was a bit like he'd attempted a Penenka and failed and Chalabar was running after him saying, you can't do that basically it was a real moral dilemma in in the way of being like you just you can't be doing that like that's basically beyond the pale you do not do that sort of thing um but yeah just a tremendous episode but yeah um players not up to speed with the rules okay we'll take a short break back in a moment

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44:47Charlie Eccleshare:Welcome back to Football Clichés. Hesitant to talk about this, but here it is. Nigel Farage has launched Reform FC with some football shirts. And, you know, trying to be balanced here, you know, from a clichés perspective, it was going so well for Farage right until the very end.

45:09we are reform fc and i'm proud to be its manager what a season we're having we're right at the top of the leaderboard we're nine points clear of our nearest rivals and i want you to get on board join the winning team we need your support leaderboard i'm not fighting for that charlie

45:27Charlie Eccleshare:leaderboard they fucked it pretty easy thing to rectify why have they done that they're going to be people walking among us with farage 10 football shirts that is astonishing i mean yeah in some ways i think it's it's like a relatively clever marketing thing and then when you realize the actual physical manifestation of it it's unbelievably bad i did see someone point out online earlier on that the double xl and triple xl sizes have sold out already which you know i'll say no more about that but um yeah seeing one in the wild will certainly be a moment are we like would people wear these two football matches like could it kick off places i don't know yeah i mean some places i don't know exactly what the rules are on those sorts of shirts but different grounds do have rules on you know certain things you can bring in of a political or national persuasion so it is a political show of political support isn't it but very much so is it objectively a bad shirt i don't know what to say like it looks a bit rubbish like cheap but But, you know, design-wise, I don't know.

46:26Charlie Eccleshare:Don't want to talk about it. Right, you might have thought that this would be a segue into Keys and Grey Corner. No, no. The political values don't align, actually. So we've got one more item for you. This came from an anonymous source at Stockley Park, Charlie. He says, I thought you'd be interested to know that the canteen at Stockley Park will be closed for four weeks as a result of a pest problem. Ooh, bad process. The problems deepen. Yeah, this was a little statement released by the canteen. We would like to thank everyone for their patience and understanding. As you may have seen, we had to close the canteen at very short notice this week.

47:01Charlie Eccleshare:Our canteen facility at Five Long Walk has a rating of five in terms of hygiene standards, the highest as determined by the local authority. The well-being of our colleagues and guests is always our priority. And in the interest of transparency, we decided to close as we were made aware of an issue with pests which needed us to take immediate action. We need to get this to Keezy. Someone needs to get this to Keezy. yeah he'll join the who's going to get who's going to get hold of this story this week I wonder perhaps that's why there were a few VAR cock-ups in the first weekend they weren't they weren't sufficiently well fed and watered I've gone on record on this podcast about the canteen at Stockley Park before we got opprobrium back now who's right that's all I'm saying I don't want to get too kesey about this anyway speaking of Premier League pests it's time for Keys in Grey Corner

48:02Ford Super Sunday.

48:06Charlie Eccleshare:No theme tune change for us. It's Keys and Grey Corner, the first of the season. I want to take you back, though, a little bit to the UEFA Super Cup evening. Keys and Grey on Thomas Frank. I like him. Yeah? Agreed. It's a good appointment. Agreed. but go on I think he's over talked since getting the job and when he said I'm here to win the title I just winced because you're not Thomas but hold on he never met this year did he I don't care in any year well you don't know you do you don't

48:45Charlie Eccleshare:that's got everything I'd want in a sort of mid-level keys and grey exchange chuckle brothers at the end you do you don't you do you don't they do this all the time on being it's like how much the proportion of their coverage is taken up by them just batting forth the same opinion but um charlie i love it when he addresses football managers by their first name in a kind of hypothetical exchange it really puts them in their place doesn't it yeah he's got it's like he's got a direct line to all of them which i think in his mind he probably does over talked wow i like him but but so powerful exactly yeah Yeah, fast forward to Friday night then.

49:22Charlie Eccleshare:Richard Keyes raising the curtain on another Premier League season. No team has started more seasons defending the title than Liverpool. And no team has started more Premier League seasons together than Andy and myself. Now that's a start. Isn't it, Jack? That's a start. And here we go again. It's great to have you along. We're in for quite a night. So proud of themselves. they are never going to let go of the concept of them being the Premier League themselves are they so much so that Andy and his Keezy rather in his blog not the one that went up on Monday but last week he made a claim I think it was something like this is mine and Andy's 36th Premier League season together I mean there haven't been that many Premier League seasons so it's kind of like they're so iconic and intertwined with the Premier League that they've had more Premier League seasons than they have together then than there have been Premier League seasons it's 39 if you include our time at the original bsb what a run we've had you got what a run we've had yourselves exactly and those weren't premier league seasons and now we're the last man standing that's a source of huge pride to me we'll be offering the usual mix of grown-up chat for adults with the football who's that a digger who is it a digger oh that's surely a carrieger thing isn't it yeah maybe i think just generally sky yeah just you know all the larking about pandering well that was friday night let's fast forward slightly more to Saturday lunchtime and here is Richard Keyes raising the curtain on another Premier League season.

50:50Yeah one unsavoury incident aside that was a really good start to the Premier League season last night the champions starting the defence of their trophy no team in English football has defended a title more often than Liverpool and no TV team has presented more Premier League football than Andy and myself it's just absolutely lovely to be back for another one.

51:10Charlie Eccleshare:Just reuse the same line can't do that As I often tell you, Adam, it could always be someone's first time watching or listening. OK, Keezy's a pro. Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, go on then. Doesn't need any encouragement to talk about himself. To his blog then, he had a kind of tone setter for the season blog the other day. The opening line, nothing is certain except death and taxes. Benjamin Franklin, 1789. Not quite true though, is it? if franklin had been alive today he would have almost certainly added and relegation for clubs coming up from the championship benjamin uh how do you uh how do you think burley will get on this i think it'll be fine putting the date in why do you need 1789 yeah he's obviously just looked it up and was quite proud of himself oh god he loves a quote he loves his history history buff He published just before we recorded, 10 minutes before we started recording, Charlie, Kesey unleashed his first Premier League review of the season.

52:15Charlie Eccleshare:And I've never been so sure of anything in my life than him spelling Tajani Rinder's surname incorrectly. So close, just an errant eye, and you can understand why. But yeah, that was never going to happen, was it? Yeah, I look forward to seeing the variants in the coming weeks. Yeah. The headline for the blog on Monday, the 18th of August, It's a nice one, really, to get things going properly this season from Keezy. It's simple. Bayan Deer was fouled. And then he just goes on to explain it again in his opening line. Good old Keezy. Right. Thanks to you, Dave Walker. Thank you. Thanks to you, Charlie Eccleshare.

52:52Charlie Eccleshare:Thank you. Thanks to everyone for listening. We'll be back on Thursday. See you then.

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