Dr. Tara: The Biggest Lies We’ve Been Told About Love, Sex, and Desire | Ep. 272 with Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn

0:00So Dr. Tara, about eight years ago, I bought this website date robots.com, but I never did anything with it. like AI plus robots and humanoids, how do you see dating and sex 5, 10, 15 years down the line with all this stuff becoming more human-like? Sex and dating, when it comes to like AI and robots and technology for the next 15 years, I think it's just going to be more and more integrated into people's lives. And whether or not you support it or you're against it, it's going. I wonder if people are going to think of that as like an actual partner, like a human, right? I'd really be independent on the person.

0:40Because even now, some humans use other humans as sex toys. Like, you know, we have a huge hookup culture, one night stand. And some people don't even know how to engage in these things ethically and respectfully. But I think there will be a lot of people that develop strong emotional tie with their like AI partner or sex robot partner. I think there will be people that are completely immersed and like have robot partners, AI partners as their like real life partners.

1:21so dr tara about eight years ago i bought this website date robots.com but i never did anything with it because i really foresaw after watching many movies and just trying to understand how people were thinking at that time that robotics might be a thing and now with ai like ai plus robots and humanoids, how do you see dating and sex 10, 5, 10, 15 years down the line with all this stuff becoming more human-like? Well, first off, congratulations, because you're probably going to make$10 million selling that domain. So congrats to you, and I want to be invited to your yacht party. Now, in terms of sex and dating, when it comes to like AI and robots and technology for the next 15 years, I think it's just going to be more and more integrated into people's lives.

2:15And whether or not you support it or you're against it, it's going with or without you. And I think for me, I'm going with it because I'm not one of those people that are going to go, you know what, like this is going to ruin lives and relationships. I'd rather empower and educate people how to become a more critical consumer of things, right? Same thing about same thing with porn, like when the internet was created and like porn really powered the internet and the development of the internet, right? I always say the same thing, like porn isn't necessarily the problem. It's like how people consume it is a problem.

2:51It's the same thing with sex, sex robots in the future. It's like, is the robot the problem or are you the problem because you don't know how to moderate your usage? So for me, I'm excited to get one. Like I'm definitely going to be one of the early adopters of like having a relationship with a sex robot or like an AI boyfriend. And given that like my husband and I are in an E &M, so ethical non-monogamy, like we can have multiple partners and one of them will be a robot. How do you, I wonder if people are going to think of that as like an actual partner, like a human, right? Like, are we going to think of it?

3:33Oh, it's like a sex toy. or do you think people will have this emotional attachment because the AI, like they have right now, you know, people are talking to ChatGBT as if it is another person. What do you think about that? I'd really think it depends on the person because even now some humans use other humans as sex toys. Like, right? Like, you know, we have a huge hookup culture, one night stand, and some people don't even know how to engage in these things ethically and respectfully. Like they use other people like sex toys. So these are the same people that, you know, will be engaging in these things in a way that is not, you know, that they're not going to be critically thinking about how to engage with it.

4:19But I think there will be a lot of people that develop strong emotional tie with their, like, AI partner or sex robot partner, because I should probably even remove the word sex, because it's just going to be a robot partner. It's not just about sex. I think there will be people that are completely immersed and like have robot partners, AI partners as their like real life partners. But then there's always going to be, you know, groups of people that sort of just have it as like a part of the fun and novelty and excitement to like spice things up with their IRL relationships. and the world is moving towards like that way anyways uh it's just like what um which one resonates with you more do you know which one resonates with you more i'm fascinated i don't even i'm not even sure it's so hard to think and i'm curious about you said social media and porn there's a huge debate around like only fans and the access to porn for younger generations now or pretty much any generation?

5:31Is this a bad thing? Is this a good thing? Is it neither bad nor good? What is your thoughts on the impact of social media and porn, specifically maybe like OnlyFans when it comes to how, you know, maybe younger generations see sex in relationships?

5:53I think we need to educate the younger generation, media and porn literacy. When they have the knowledge of media literacy and porn literacy, then they're able to engage in it in a way that's useful for them, right? Whatever human experience or emotions they're going through, they can use these things as helpful tools rather than have these things become something that takes over their lives, right? So again, I am always in a position of like, people have the power and the choices that they can make. And if they choose to do these things, like getting addicted to certain things, they can always seek help to get out of it and then now become a more conscious users of these things.

6:50Or you're addicted to it and you let it control your life, which is, you know, the reality for a lot of people. Are there negative effects of, you know, OnlyFans, porn, social media on young adults? Like, of course there are. But at the same time, I think it's because these people don't have media literacy or porn literacy. They overdo it. And then, of course, all the negative benefits, all the negative effects comes with that. I mean, you know, they don't teach much of relevancy in school, I think. So maybe they need to teach this. You need to teach. You need to create this course that they can teach in every school.

7:33I'm sure people would go bananas. is like it probably has so much backlash. It might be hilarious. I'm curious on, you said that you're in a non-monogamous ethical relationship. Is that how I say it? Ethical non-monogamous, E &M. Sorry, ethical. Okay, ethical non-monogamous. What does that mean? And how do you successfully do this without the obvious people getting jealous or having hatred for one another?

8:03I often tell people like E &M is like an orientation. If you don't have that orientation, you like can't really force yourself to become one. And you'll be so unhappy and insecure and just can't have a fulfilling relationship. But I believe I was born this way. You know, when people say like, you're either gay or you're not like I am E &M, I'm not a monogamous person. and that's just who I am. And so finding a partner that has values that align to me, meaning believing that you can love multiple people, believing that your life can be thriving together with other people as well. So what E &M means depends on the couple.

8:49E &M can mean, you know, you are able to have sex or like sexually play with other people based on the consent that your partner, you know, agree on with you. It can also be you can digitally chat with other people, but you can never see them in real life. It can also be you can have sex with people, but you can't like date them. It can also be like you can date these people, you can bring them home. It can also be like we can all live together and raise kids together. Like there's so many different configurations. It's really like having a menu at a restaurant and like just build your own. It's like an a la carte, like just whatever is acceptable and agreed on by two people, then anything goes.

9:34But the misconception of it is when you say you're non-monogamous, people say, oh, so you can just fuck whoever you want. That's not true. That is not true. First off, like you, your partner has to agree to this and your partner has to consent and consent to like whatever that's being allowed in the relationship. So there's a lot of work when it comes to organizing and like maintaining this type of relationship. But to me, it's much easier work because it's communication and being honest. For me, that's easy. For a lot of people, it's not. But communication and being honest and like in returns, I'm able to explore sexually with other people, I think it's a good ROI.

10:23I think communication is the issue for almost most relationships, right? That's just general communication or lack thereof. So it sounds like if you can have the communication, you can be successful in multiple aspects of a relationship. So what do you think is the biggest lie that we've been told about love and sex and how could this be ruining relationships the biggest lie that you've been told about sex is that you should be able to know how to do it naturally that's the biggest lie uh because people have this argument like whenever i'm at a dinner party right like even like two weeks ago i was at a dinner party i sat next to this guy and he's like what do you do i said i'm a sexologist right started uh he started asking me like what does that mean then he proceeded to tell me like oh I don't I don't think I need help in that department I don't think anyone does like it's just what you know how to do like you were born to do this I'm like I feel so bad for your wife right now that's sitting next to you because people with this type of mentality means they don't have a growth mindset and I'm all about growth mindset in every aspect of my life including sex sexuality and skills because sex is not something that you can just do.

11:38Sex is a competence, just like communication competence, computer competence, other types of competence, like tennis competence, right? Sexual competence is such a thing. It's, you know, a construct that we study in sexology. And some people have low competence, some people are moderate, some people are high. Now, the myth is like, everyone should just know how to do it really well be like everyone's a great lover because it was like in us right it's not true a lot of sex and being a good lover is nurture not nature and within nurture there are various things that you can be doing to become a better lover today like for example first is education like we know in research that the more educated you are on the topic the less anxious you are about it, the more you can like engage in pleasure, like you have more capacity for pleasure.

12:35So education is one that can be like reading books, listening to podcasts, reading articles, and just like learn more about this topic. Another thing that I really like that I think a lot of people don't really seek out to do is like watching instructional porn videos. Because a lot of times sex isn't necessarily something that you can learn in theory, because it's so like practice based, right it's a practicum so watching instructional porn of how to do like certain things can become like really helpful like for example I know one of my clients was like self-conscious about like not knowing how to finger a woman um and I like sent him this like instructional video and he's like wow I got I got like so much more confident like knowing the little techniques and like the next time he tried it on his girl he was like wow like she she said it like changed completely so i thought this is what everyone needs it's like just watch instructional porn

13:38maybe it's an ego thing right i think for men just listening to like that guy maybe he has his ego that um it you know it diminishes him as a man if he says he's not this but uh that is fascinating What do you what advice would you have then for maybe for men out there who might be thinking that like what do they gain if they learn more, if they can be better, especially if you're talking are a lot of our audience is probably 40s to 50s. Maybe they've been in relationships longer. So thinking like if you've been in a relationship longer over time, I imagine things might change. Oh, totally. I mean, the fabric of sex and sexuality and desire changes every year.

14:27So if you've been together one year versus three years versus five years versus 10 years, it's always changing. And that is why it is so pivotal that you take the growth mindset perspective on sex and not just do the same thing from the day you met her. you know what I mean like if 10 years from now my partner does the exact same move like I'm out like you know if you're not learning new things trying new moves trying like new sexting methods sending me like new pics that's interesting taking me on dates that are interesting and sexual and pleasure filled then it's so boring and that's why boredom is like the number one sex problem long-term relationships have.

15:15It's so boring. People say like the number one problem is sexual desire, right? Sexual desire, aka like sex drive, right? Especially like women's, you know, after maybe like 10 years in a relationship, they go like, I just don't have that much sex drive. Like, I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. It's because the sex you're having is boring. Like imagine, who's your celebrity crush? Like someone might say, Brad Pitt, right? Imagine Brad Pitt comes in here. He only looks at you. He talks to you, listens to you attentively, flirts with you, touches you in different ways, gives you lots of compliments and adoration.

15:53He adores you. Would you be getting wet? The answer is yes, right? Because that's the thing. We want excitement, novelty, and knowing that the partner puts in the effort and takes the initiative. It's not about having a low sex drive. Like when the right context exists, any woman can have sex drive. So for me, telling people that are in relationships that are in their like 40s or 50s and in a relationship, it's like educating yourself on new things. And in my book, I call them erotic solutions, right? Because in eroticism, people don't know where to start. So here are the solutions. So you can adopt any of these erotic solutions and they're all practical.

16:40So you can just start doing them in your life like tonight. Let's talk about your new book. And thank you for sharing that, by the way. I think a lot of people will resonate with that. And I think a lot of people, I know a lot of people that have told me things. I'm like, wow, you know what? You need to listen to Dr. Tara. So let's hear about the book. What is the book, the name of the book? And also, what is maybe one or two takeaways I can expect reading this book? So the name of the book is called How Do You Like It? A Guide for Getting What You Want in Bed. And it's self-explanatory. It helps you learn how, like, what you like in bed.

17:25Because a lot of times when you interview people and ask people, like, so what do you like in bed? Like, what are you like in bed? And what do you like in bed? They don't have the answer, right? So this book will help you understand. First, this book will help you understand yourself more. Like you will have the language to explain to people who you are sexually, like your sexual concept. So I created a questionnaire called the Dr. Tara Sexual Profile. And it's kind of like the Myers-Briggs personality test where you can get like ENFJ, INTP, right? Like it's the same thing. So it's sex personality.

18:04So after you do the quiz and read the chapter, you'll know who you are and you can use that as a starting point, almost like an icebreaker with your partner and start talking about what you like sexually. If you're a couple and you do this together, there's so much to talk about. The second thing that you'll learn is practical communication skills. You'll learn like many different ways to like start talking in bed. Like if you're a quiet lover or you only moan, you don't really know what to say. Like you will learn exactly what to say. I'll have I have a ton of examples and whatever that like fits your personality too.

18:47So like variations of examples. You'll learn how to like talk better in bed. You'll learn how to talk better outside of bed. You'll also learn erotic solutions. So new non-traditional things to try in bed with your partner. So lots to take away. So Dr. Tara, you told me recently about sexual meditation is a thing. I'm very curious because I like to meditate, but I feel like sexual meditation sounds way more inviting and better than doing regular meditation, which I get bored with. So there's a lot of research on the positive benefits of sexual mindfulness practices like sexual meditation. Sexual meditation is like regular meditation, but it focuses on sexual thoughts, sexual feelings and the sensations in the body, especially in the erogenous zones.

19:41Now, when you do sexual meditation, you can do it quietly and visualize like the last time you had a really hot connected sex. You can massage, you know, different erogenous zones on your body while you meditate and take deep breaths, connect your mind with your body and the erogenous zone. So you can massage your nipples. You can massage your pubic area. You could also do this with your partner as one of the activities that you do to sexually connect without penetration, which a lot of people enjoy because sometimes you just don't want to have penetrative sex. So that's a really, really great sexual activity that I always recommend to people because there's so much research about like why it's helpful.

20:24Like there's research that shows it improves people's sexual desire, like sex drive. It helps with their sexual functioning. It reduces sexual pain. So it's just it's a great practice and it's free. But if you like listening, like do you listen to guided meditation? i listen to guided meditation if i want to like calm down or sleep or focus or confidence so i also have like just free sex guided sexual meditation on youtube if you search you know love bites dr tara sexual meditation it will come up i have lots of different variations some for solo some for couples for you guys to try you can listen to before you go to sleep and you have really great dreams.

21:08Exactly. Better night's sleep. So what about women as they get 40s and 50s? Because we've heard this before from friends and such that, you know, they, they blame it on hormones. I know you mentioned before about boredom, but is there anything that they could be doing? And I know you've talked a lot about like, how masturbation is a good thing. I don't know if that also plays into it. But what do you think? Are they maybe are they kind kind of forgetting around like, what makes them happy or pleasure? Or like you said, things are changing? Are they not communicating? What is it that might be causing it?

21:46And then what can they do also to get back to maybe how they felt before? Wow, I mean, there are a lot of causes like this alone can be like an one hour episode. So I'm just gonna try to like, share this quickly in a short summary. But if you want to learn more, you can definitely like get the book and learn more about sexual desire. But some of the causes can be like, first is familiarity and boredom. Like if you're in a relationship for a long, long time, and your partner and you both it's it takes two to tango. So like, and if you and your partner don't really put in the effort to try anything new at all in the realm of sexuality and romance, then there won't be any desire.

22:34And you know, you can say it's because you're menopausal or perimenopausal, which of course, the big factor is contributing to low sex drive as well. But also so does like boredom and complacency. Second would be, like I said, hormones. Hormones are big factors in contributing to women not wanting to have sex. It could be that they're uncomfortable. They don't have any drive. They don't have the desire. It could be hurt, like painful also. And then another aspect would be that they are not comfortable, confident, or happy with themselves. Because a lot of times self-esteem is connected to how much people desire sex.

23:17So self-esteem can be one of them. And sometimes when your body changes, it affects your self-esteem. So that's just a few of different causes. Now, what can you do? I think there are different aspects that I'm going to share. So first is the self, the self aspect. So what can yourself, like what can you do to maintain a healthy balance in your sex life? And I think daily masturbation or masturbating a couple of times a week is really healthy because it keeps your genital engaged, right? Because your clitoris gets a blood pool there when you masturbate. you get to orgasm which means you get to experience like serotonin dopamine oxytocin when you orgasm and it also increases self-esteem when you are able to give yourself pleasure so i would say for the self like you can masturbate more regularly and take care of yourself that way now for the partner i would say the brain is the biggest sex organ and women just like men women need to be mentally stimulated.

24:20So if life is so robotic and formulaic, every day is the same. We come home after work, we sit down, eat dinner, watch TV, go to bed. There is no room for desire in there. So I think it's important that couples actually sit down and go, you know what, we need to make changes. And it can be small changes, but it can be very powerful. For example, thinking more of like how can you have more adoration and devotion in your relationship but when was the last time you compliment your partner in a very like sensual and sexual way right or when was the last time you like devoted yourself to her for something so I think when people have been together a long time they forget that aspect that like women need to be mentally turned on to be physically turned on So before you try to have sex with your partner, foreplay starts when you wake up.

25:22So when you wake up, compliment her like immediately. Right. And then throughout the day, like try different things. Like another thing women love is gifts and it doesn't have to be huge gifts. It can be small gifts. It's about the thought. But like women love getting gifts. So maybe getting her flowers, like pick up a coffee or whatever it is, give her gifts. And then throughout the day, sort of just be more playful, change the energy in the relationship, maybe text her something cute and funny, say that you miss her, you're like thinking about her. All these things can help women feel like more mentally stimulated.

25:57And then physical stimulation can come later when you start like the physical part of the foreplay. Sounds like this can help a lot of people be happier. and if a lot of people are be happier there'd be less anger in the world because the world is just it's a very angry place maybe it's because they're having less sex or they're not having the sex they want or like you said there's a lot of issues with their self and their self is not allowing other people that this is great uh going back to something i'm just final thoughts here or question going back to technology there a few years ago is all about like metaverse and vr was like a thing right and then it kind of died down but i always wondered around this type of thing when it comes to sexual pleasure when it's just your mind because you said your brain is your largest organ do you think it's is it possible largest sex organ your largest organ is skin sex organ yes um so unless you don't have any skin then i guess it would be your brain but uh so do you think it's possible in the future can you have sex like totally virtually in your mind like with because i know meta is coming out of new glass there's a lot of this like stuff that could potentially just be like right in front of your face in your head in your mind um you're seeing it is do you think people will be able to like will your body be able to have the same sensation or pleasure if it's physically being touched?

27:251000%. 1000 % because I had a big orgasm last time I got hypnotized. It's called orgasmic hypnosis. And no one was touching me. So yeah, same principles apply. Like if it's VR and you're experiencing it in the mind and through visualization and through feeling it in your brain and body, like by yourself without being touched, you can totally have an orgasm. on your own without, you know, needing another person to touch you. Wow. That type of hypnosis skill could be very useful for a lot of people. That's interesting. I know. I just don't learn how to do that. Yeah, yeah. I went to this like intensive workshop and it was like an amazing experience.

28:11At the end of the workshop, I was able to have an orgasm through hypnosis. Is that similar to like tantric or I'm not really sure like totally how tantric is defined? yeah i think it it could sit within the world of like tantra yeah like tantra and tantric sex um but again like hypnosis in itself is a discipline like it it has been around for a long time and people get hypnotized to quit a lot of bad habits like i know a friend who used to buy her nails um and now she doesn't anymore through like hypnosis so it's not just about sex but this particular course was orgasmic hypnosis, like how to use hypnosis to have like multiple orgasms.

28:53How do people find out about these things? Is there like a centralized place or like how does one, I don't know, how did you like Google search it? You asked Dr. Tar, yeah, of course, Dr. Tar, I know you have great podcasts, you have shows, you do TV stuff, you have incredible content, and you've built an amazing online persona, which I think is great when it comes to a topic that may consider taboo. So I imagine the love and hate that you get from people is probably quite fascinating. How do you navigate that? I delete negative comments. Yeah, I'm not one of those people that go like, oh, I keep all the comments because of engagement.

29:37I don't care about that. I care about having a beautiful, loving and positive home. And my social media is my home. So I clean it up. Yeah, I have a team of social media people that like help me navigate it. But ultimately, we delete like a lot of the negative comments because I don't invite that kind of negativity in my space in person or online. I like that. I think I think we all need that because social media, it can be very toxic when you imagine when you're reading things about what other people say, as if that even matters in our lives. But Dr. Tara, how do you like it is the book, correct?

30:20How do you like it? When does it come out? How can people get it? Right now. And if you preorder, you'll be like on the list of getting invited to secret saucy parties. but the book comes out October 21st. And so if you pre-order, it will ship on October 21st. What is a secret saucy party? Oh, unless you buy the book. They got to get the book. I mean, how can you finish on that? Like that sounds fascinating. But Dr. Tara, how do you like it? I think we all need this. I really know many people that if they get this book, they're going to be happier because they're going to be in a better relationship.

31:02They're not going to complain about a lot of things that I hear them complain about. It's a major topic. It's a major topic. And I hope that there's more positivity and love spread in the world. And what better around sex and intimacy in your relationship. So thank you for joining us today. Thank you for all you do because you really make the world a better place. Thank you for having me and amplifying like the message of sex positivity.