Zarna Garg

28:28Like, he's going to find a good guy. Like, he's not. So in their eyes, the solution was find a good educated guy who's going to let her finish school. And then what's the issue? were all getting married anyway. So their parents were kind of leaning towards, anytime I showed up, it was like I could see them calling my dad and saying she's here. So those options started drying up very quickly. So what happened once they dried up? Where did you go? I got really lucky in that my mom, all the people that she had helped, really poor people, people with no means, like, you know, vegetable sellers and like people with the most humble means started taking me in because they saw me wandering around on the streets and they knew that something was wrong because they had seen how I was and how I had become.

29:18I mean, those were like, it's crazy to talk about. It was a tough time, you know? Like I couldn't wash my clothes for days on end. That was one of the biggest things when you're homeless that you struggle with. It's like, when I was at a friend's house, I could take a shower, but I never knew what to do about the clothes. because, you know, how do I suddenly explain to them that there's no, you know, but it's very complicated. But the people that she had helped started saying, do you want something to eat? And even then, do you know what's crazy? In India, a lot of street food is served, is sold, folded in newspapers.

29:54I was more interested in the newspaper. Even in those moments, I was like, I'll take whatever because I knew I would get another page. Like I was so, that was the one thing that like killed me so hard that I lost my access to what was happening in the world. That they would give me food and I would take all their papers from them. I'd be like, whatever you have left over, I'll take all of it. They started taking me in. Then my sisters, in-laws, I started reaching out, fanning out into distant relatives, like whoever, anywhere. Yeah. I had a couple of teachers in my school that were very kind. That would be like, you know, this weekend we're not home.

30:31if you want to stay at our house. So it was really like a whole quilt work of solutions. And during that time, did you ever think, you know what, I'm just going to fold. I'm going to go back. I'm going to say, fine. I'm going to meet somebody and have an arranged marriage. Like what stopped you from doing that? I really thought you would come around. I hadn't given up yet. But towards the end, I did. Like a year plus into it, I was like, it's not going to happen. So I did fold. In the end, I did go crawling back to my dad and he was very happy and I was welcomed back. I'll never forget with a bottle of Coke.

31:10He was like, how's your American adventure been? And he was gleeful. Like he was saving that bottle for me because he knew there was no exit. So I remember, you know, and he ordered pizza, which is like only bad people ate pizza back then. Nobody good ate pizza. So I already knew how I was like, it was going to be icy. So then in that moment, what happens between then and when you go to your sister's house in the States? So he had found and kept a guy that he, in his estimation, was the right match for me. The glass baron of India. This guy's family controlled the entire glass industry in India.

31:53And he was looking for a girl who was like 10-ish years younger than him. So that's the appropriate math in the arrangement. It still remains. It still remains. Listen, this is a real way of life. Like it sounds crazy here, but this is how people live in big, big countries on the other side of the world. So he didn't think, he was like, he couldn't understand. He's like, have you seen who I'm matching you up with? Wait till you see his house. Like in his mind, he couldn't comprehend what the issue was. And I couldn't understand why he couldn't understand that none of it was appealing, you know.

32:33But I did. I went and we had a whole, you know, arranged style, like meet. The opposite of meet cute. You're right. There's no bumping into each other. No, my God. Do not touch each other. Police line. Do not cross. Yeah, it is just, it feels like a job interview. His family is 10 people on that side. Our family is 10 people. There's a broker in the middle who's like moving around with the questions. Because people know what arranged marriages are. You've heard that phrase. You don't know how arranged marriages are made. In India, it's a very open system. Everything is openly discussed. Like here, for example, you're not allowed to say that you want the most beautiful woman you can find.

33:11Or the woman's not allowed to say, I want the richest guy I can find. Even though that's what she may want, you don't say it, right? But in India, you just say that. You tell the broker. What's the best deal you can get? Yeah. They say things like he's wearing glasses, but she's losing her hair.

33:30And the broker will sit there in front of your face and be like, she's five foot tall. But like, honestly, your son, like there's another brother and that brother will inherit half of this. Right. So he's not all that. It's interesting because there's this transactional nature of it that I think then here there's this pressure for everything to feel very romantic. Yeah. And I want to talk to you about that because you and I talk about it a lot is that there is this pressure that if something doesn't feel really organic and romantic, then it's not real. Real. Right. And all that pressure and that the not able to talk about it, I believe, only hurts women in America.

34:12That's my statement. Because, for example, in that transactional world, both sides have access to information, for better or for worse. Here, what I find is that the guy can still see what a woman looks like. But God forbid you ask if the guy has a real job or like he's making something up. I'm like, I would like to see a tax return. I do want to get into this because Zarna has tried to set me up a couple of times. And she has only tried to set me up with billionaires. Yes. With a B. Yes, because I told you, Amy, that is the step up. Nothing else to me has made up. Zarna's only shown me pictures of billionaires.

34:51Yes. And also— Often ones who have heart disease, but that's ideas. That has to be the move for you. And you would say things like, you need someone who makes a billion dollars. And I would say, it's very hard to meet someone who ethically made a billion dollars. And you see, you'd roll your eyes just like you did it. You'd be like, what does this have to do with anything? Listen, we can fix the ethics. Sometimes you're rich enough that then you whitewash the— You start a foundation. Come on. Can you tell everyone about it? Good Hang Foundation. And you just came up with it.

35:27Okay, so then the meetup doesn't work. You push against it. You disappoint your father. No, I actually didn't. I thought that was going to happen. Okay. So I was like, okay, you know. And I got five whopping minutes with this guy alone. Because I asked for it. He didn't even care. Could you imagine? He didn't even care to like, can she speak? Nothing. I'm sitting there like a mute. And he's like, okay. But I was like, can I like talk to him? Because I now have, I'm thinking this is going to happen. Right. So when I met him for the five, I was like, what do you want to do with your life? Like, I was like, do you really?

36:02There was a lot of glass in that house. So much. A lot. Talk about living in a glass house. I was like, but it felt a little like, wow, this is a lot of glass. It could get boring. Yeah. So I wanted to talk to him and whatever. And he was very like, you know, in that circumstance, he's the child of a very wealthy. He's got control of everything. He was very much appeasing me like, she has all these dumb woman questions. Let me just give her something. Yeah. So I had really fully capitulated in my heart. But then my U.S. visa came through that I had been fighting for for two years. So interesting.

36:41The timing, right? The timing. I'm telling you, it was that the next morning I got a telegram. I grabbed my stuff and I ran. I ran out of that house so fast. I didn't say a word to anybody. I was too scared. If my dad found out that he would like find ways to hold me back. It's such an incredible moment. Like your entire life hinged on the timing of that. Yeah. Do you think you would have come to America if you had been married? No. Then it would have been over. I mean, I could have betrayed my dad, and I did. And I did. But I don't think I could have done it to a guy and his whole family. Like, you know, like, he's done nothing wrong.

37:19Yeah. That guy did nothing wrong by me. Right. So I would not—I don't know if I would have been able to do that to him. And when you left, you really did leave, like, kind of without telling anyone you were going? I was so scared. Not at all. Wow, Zarna. So brave. I only said bye to my brother, my older brother. Shoresh? Yeah. Shoresh, yeah. Yeah, you have a very close relationship with Shoresh. Yeah, to this day, yeah. Yeah. And so you say a painful goodbye to him, and you head to Ohio? Yeah. And your sister is living there. Yeah, Akron, Ohio. How old are you when you arrive? 17, just under. You just immediately get to work, and you study, and what happens next?

37:56So I got to Ohio because the University of Akron, where I got my degree, agreed to take me in as a foreign student. And that back then foreign students were not the rage that they are today. They were so rare. Yeah. But they, my sister reached out to them and said, my sister really loves to study. How can we make this happen? And they worked it out. And my brother-in-law, my sister's husband, himself is a doctor, has been practicing for decades in America. very extremely cerebral extremely like you know academic so he appreciated that quality of me so much that he was like if you can come here just study as much as you want like he saw the merits of it even though he himself didn't come from a family he's the only one in his family who got out of his life the way he did but he saw it and saw it so deeply that the two of them it was unbelievable They were like, study as much as you want.

38:54What do you need? How many books? I was like from a world of like hiding and reading every newspaper to like, like the libraries in America are the size of like, I mean, you can't even dream that big in India. Like our library in India was like a little hole in the wall. If you had 20 books, you were doing well. But you would go, I would go here to the Akron Library and I would be like, oh my God, I could spend days. And you and you loved what else when you came to America in 17, did you like immediately love? And what were some things that you were like, what what is this? What's going on? I loved that nobody was telling me what to do.

39:36Yeah, that was just not including college, like school and college in India is very like the teacher will when the teacher walks in, you stand up, you show respect. And then the teacher will be like, open this page and like put your foot down. There's so many rules. Here, I would go to college and people are eating and drinking and their feet are up on the chair. And I was like, what is happening? And of course, back then, there were all these language. I remember the first time I asked a guy for a rubber. Like, you know, in India, an eraser is called a rubber. Yeah. And, you know, right? Like, you're laughing, but that was a real thing.

40:14And then when I came in 1992, I believe, the big person in the news was Jeffrey Dahmer. Oh, yeah. Who is from Akron. That's not a good time to go to Ohio. From Akron. So I remember thinking, never go to anybody's house ever. And that still is a good thing, actually. Keep in mind, that is a good thing. But also the freedom, my God. Like I would go, for the first time, a college professor would be like, what do you think? I remember the time somebody asked me what do you think and I was like nobody's ever asked me that never even in our classes back home you only ask the boys what they thought the girls just sat there you know and then we would then you not only had to hear whatever the stupid boy thought but you had to applaud and be like deep amazing I mean you and I have talked about this a lot on tour which is that I mean in fact You wrote a really nice thing at the end of your book about me and Tina.

41:16And I just want to read one part that I love so much because it's exactly what we talked about a lot, which is you say, you were saying what Tina and I taught you, which is very nice, which is like, you know, you can mix business with pleasure. You can work with your friends. And you say, aren't women amazing to live and work this way? and in 500 years, men are going to discover that you can mix your work life and personal life without ruining your family and then call it a whole renaissance. Because you know that's what's going to happen. Yes, of course. You guys are doing it. That's actually been one of the most bittersweet things of touring with you guys.

41:56It's so much fun to see how you guys work up close to have that front row seat. But inside my heart, I have so much pain about it too. Like, what could I have done if I had had that Tina or Amy in my life, you know? Because it's—and this idea, you guys shattered this whole notion of business and whatever, don't mix. Men do whatever they want. They start companies with—the women have been told, don't mix business with pleasure. Yes. So dumb. Well, and you're still a baby's earner. You're only five years into this. Five years. Five. Yeah. Five. I know. And you are where you are. But I know you're impatient and in all the right ways and ambitious.

42:41But I just want to, you know, you're just getting started in this business, even though you're already a vet and a pro. I mean, I don't know. I don't know any other way to do things. Because I remember somebody told me every comic's dream is to have a sitcom. And I was like, oh, that's just telling family stories. I can do that now. Yeah. And I just started building my little world with it. Like, why am I going to wait? Before you did that, though, you became a lawyer. Oh, my God. We can't talk about that. We don't even need to talk about it. It was so bad. There's some joke like the only thing that lawyers have in common is that no one wants to be a lawyer.

43:16Yes. But you were a lawyer, and you were—what kind of lawyer were you? I was personal injury. Wow. Yeah, and I was actually—like, I loved it. I was like, that dog should have been chained. You know? You know?

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45:41Okay, so then while you're being a lawyer and you're like, okay, maybe I should try to meet somebody. And I want to segue into how you met your husband. and I think the best way to do it is to have you read this ad so in your book oh my god I love this ad that I would never live down Zarna yes so in the summer of 1977 when you were 22 1997 excuse me you made me nervous for a minute sorry in the summer of 1997 when Zarna was 22 she put a personal ad on an Indian singles website will you read it Zarna? yes it's so funny and so good it's like a beautiful poem Yeah. Well, to some. All right, here's the ad.

46:25To some, I am too short or too plump, too dark or too argumentative. But enough about me. This is what I need from you. A husband and a partner, somebody who is ambitious but not ruthless, confident but not arrogant, and humble but not timid. Most of all, he is honest. I'm on a mission to build a very successful life, and you must be ready to go with me. Only contact me if you want to get married. No friends, in all caps. Kindly include your most recent tax returns and medical records.

47:03Zorna. I thought it made sense, people. In my defense, it made sense in the word I came from. You know, and also, it's so funny. It's so funny. I know it's serious, but it's also so funny. It's you in a nutshell, which is it's direct. It's clear. It has a point of view. And it's really funny. And anyone reading that would, I think, be drawn to the wit of it. I mean, I don't want to brag, but hundreds of people did respond.

47:40They did. And back then, I was the only woman speaking for myself on the internet. So it was like, a lot of people just responded because they were so excited not to have to speak to somebody's cousin and uncle and auntie and whatever. But I do think, I mean, dating in America and marriage is like, do I love this person? Do I, is he going to make me happy? You know, these are the things you think about, right? Like, I was like, happiness is not happening. let's just be okay with that it was more like who's gonna win this war against the world that I'm fighting who's gonna be my best recruit who's gonna be my best soldier and partner and I think a lot of immigrants see life like that we see life like we're in war and we're building a team and an army you know and I do that now I remind my kids every day like you do not have the luxury you do not you are in you know sometimes my kids get scared and nervous of all the things that I throw them into, which I do have a habit of throwing them into.

48:43Yeah. I mean, you entered your daughter into a beauty pageant. I did. I did. That was more like a philosophical take because she's five foot tall and I didn't want her to think that she's not beautiful just because she's short. Yeah. Because we always assume beauty queens have to be tall. Sure. So I remember calling the pageant people. I was like, what is your height requirement? And they're like, we don't have one. And you said, I said, you don't like I assume there must be a minimum. And they're like, no. Yeah. I said, so can my daughter, who's five foot apply. And then I was like, correction, can I apply for her?

49:15Okay, sorry, but I stopped you because you're right. We here believe that you're building a team and that ad is, I want you on my team. Team, yeah. And Zerna, what I love about that ad is when you say, what is it when you say, I'm going to have a very big life? I'm going to build a successful life and you have to be ready to go with me. Yeah. I mean I didn't I didn't want to lie to somebody I think you should cast a narrow net and be like this is what I'm doing why talk to the 20 other people who are gonna be like let's have fun like I don't want to have fun well you know you were one of the few people when I was single who I could actually talk to about dating and being single because there's just so much weird stuff that people project on you and like you know talking to married people are the absolute worst um and And all they do is try to set you up with people they want to be with.

50:08They're like, what about so-and-so? And it's like, I think you want to be with so-and-so. But you were so, when we were touring, you were so fun and funny to talk to about it. Because you did. You have, because I find this ad, you're going to think I'm crazy, but I find that ad very romantic. Oh. I know. See? I don't know about the romance. Here's why I find it romantic. Because you're advocating for yourself. You're really saying, like, I'm a catch, and I know myself. Do you want to come with me on this journey? But also, you're talking about, like, what's ahead. You're like, I see good things ahead.

50:49You're 22 when you make that ad. 21, actually. 21. So you're not a successful touring comedian with her own sitcom. Oh, no. And you're not a comedian at all. You're studying to be a lawyer. There's just a lot of like, trust me that life is going to be grand with me. Like that's very romantic, even though it seems very nuts and bolts. So I love that part of you is you have this forward thinking, big ambitious dreams for yourself and the people that you love because you're a big time dreamer. But you're a realist at the same time. Those two things are really important. I mean, I do the work. I do do the work.

51:23I mean, when I wrote a screenplay, my screenplay that ended up winning, I didn't just write a screenplay. I was going to write a trilogy. and I was like, I'm going to call Bob Iger. I had no business. I just saw his name somewhere. I was like, I should call him. He should make my trilogy. Why not?

51:43But that's kind of how I got up with you and Tina. I remember when I saw in the news that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler touring instantly. I called all my agents. I have so many agents. They never have the foresight. I don't know why. Well, on our side, Burke, Mike Berkowitz, a great agent at WME who helped book our tour, he told us about you. So you probably poked and then we heard and then we watched your stuff immediately. It probably was in the air at the time, I'm guessing. And you were doing a lot of work at the time. I was, of course, and I still do. I'm working every night. I'm on a stage. So I do do the work.

52:19The dream cannot just be the dream. You have to put in the work. But I actually like, I've now fully embraced that I'm a very serious type of person. And so, but just quickly, then you met your husband. Yeah. And tell us about your husband. So he is also a very boring, serious type. And we live a very boring, serious life together. And we like what we do. He's a very nice guy. He understood. I think he himself came from complicated circumstances. So there was some kinship there. so I can't say like I can't be like it was hot and heavy and I don't even know what any of that means like there's no making out and all that okay maybe a little bit but there was a little making out in your book there was a little I know and my kids read the book after it was written God my kids were like mom you didn't warn us than picturing your parents making out I know they're like little warning mom yes I was like you see how I feel when I walk in and you have your little boyfriend hanging around?

53:22Yeah. You think I want to see that? Yeah, no kidding. You'll see, Amy. Your kids are a little young, but it's coming. I can't even picture it. Suddenly there's a girl in like these short shorts and she's like making pancakes for your son. And you're like, what is happening? It's so intense. It's so intense. And your son in front of you is going to be like her pancakes are better. Okay. So it reminds me of a question that Zoya had for you. Okay. So Zoya, we talked to your wonderful eldest daughter. And as the eldest, you're a baby. It's the babies. The babies, well, in your case, Zahra, you did not have it easy, but babies can sometimes have it easy.

54:02No, I did in many ways have it easy. Yeah. Because they did protect me. Well, it is interesting. Yeah. When the baby comes, there's just been another kid in the house. Yeah. When you're the first pancake, speaking of pancakes, it's, you know, everything gets tested out on you. Anyway, and Zoya is like, I mean your kids are so great your kids are so successful mature those are Instagram lies Amy oh my god let's do another episode I will bring all their flaws we will lay them out they're so crazy are you kidding me Zoya has a million meltdowns every day she's in Stanford she's in Stanford I told her she should party and I told her yes no my god Amy she should party she should fail no oh my god she doesn't have to Who cares?

54:50College doesn't even matter anymore, Zarna. I wrote the tuition checks. I care deeply. I told her she should rebel, and when she does, she can come live with Auntie Amy. Oh, my God. I mean, I think she should study the classics. No. No. Stop. I knew there was an agenda over here. Like, Stanford's sponsoring this episode. I mean, it was like— Like, your kids are so great, and she's such a good girl. Anyway, her question for you was, you know, you talk about how you never say I love you to her dad, your husband. No, I would never.

55:27Why not? Why wouldn't you? It just is so wrong on so many levels. It is would doom our marriage. He would be sure I was dying. Like there is no other circumstance if I. But you but she said you walk together every day. Yeah, we do. So she's like, are you a hypocrite? Because that is, in a way, how you say I love you. Okay, I knew she was going to ask some question like this. She's like that. Like, she's very like, mom, you don't really mean it. She doesn't know that when we walk, they see us walking and think it's a romantic walk. It is not a romantic walk. We are going through every bill that is outstanding.

56:10We are going through every tag statement that we didn't pay attention. and things he did, his mother's visiting, now I'm yelling at him and he's trying to make the peace and he's like, can she stay for two weeks and we're negotiating that down. It is not a romantic walk. We are best friends, her dad and I. Yeah. I believe that we have a really good friendship. Yeah. And I actually think that the friendship has stood the test of time. It has. I think had we been the romantic I love you, like because we don't buy into that full romantic notion of it and I'm more like talking to a friend, It would be like if something happened and you wanted to clear the air with Tina, you would, right?

56:49Yeah. But with a spouse, you're actually more afraid. I know. I mean, that's what I mean about your frankness.

57:00I think we agree here. Clarity is kindness. I agree. When you're clear about yourself or what you need, I think that's a kind act. and people think that being direct is um can be like overwhelming or even rude when in fact if you do it without trying to hurt somebody you're actually just expressing what you need but we have a we have a very like sideways way of going about that and I've heard you give advice to people who are looking for love and it's and it's I mean you kind of consider yourself a matchmaker you even wanted to be one at one point I was one oh you were I was it was the worst business I should not be in that business.

57:39That whole business is telling women it's not too late when it's actually too late. It's just too late. I'm sorry. No, because they come with these unrealistic, you will have a 45 year old woman who's like, I want a 28 year old hottie who's also a surgeon and who's also going to inherit a billion dollars. I had to be there and be like, OK, you get to pick one thing. Right. You can't like. I don't think that that's the case with most women. I think most women are very realistic. I think men are very unrealistic. Well, the men are, the men don't go to matchmakers because they don't feel any sense of urgency.

58:17Right. It's the women who are like, why am I not married? You'll meet a 60-year-old dude and he's like, I'm thinking about it. What are you thinking? To them, I'm like, you're going to die. You're going to die. I have to tell them. Like, I will even tell them. Like, there's a few guys that are like, by the time you're done thinking, like, already, a lot of your body parts are not working. I can see it. as a broker it was my job to be honest and be like anybody who's evaluating like you're not making enough money to cover up all this so what are we going to fix here but it's an interesting time more than ever because women don't really need partners they really don't need partners they don't and they shouldn't and honestly can I have a really hot take here that I've never had and my daughter's going to get choked I almost believe that get married young once and get divorced get married get it out of your system but why do you even have to get married no because get it out of your system the women who are not married at all sometimes romanticize it to a point but like married women look at them and you're like oh my god it is not like which you know that you know that married women live shorter lives shorter lives than unmarried women yes and married men live longer well they're taking our lives they're taking our lives they're literally like sucking it out of our bodies like literally So I now think my daughter, if she actually, you know, I would be like, listen, get married once, a few months, a year or two.

59:42Get it out of your system. Yeah. Because the women I find who have it the hardest are the ones who never married and who are imagining, literally imagining Prince Charming. I'm like, he farts. It smells bad. His mother is that bad. It's not a story. But get that romance out of it and then focus on your life and build your thing. Yeah. Worry about building your own life. It's so true. I mean, but it's quite revolutionary the way you talk about motherhood specifically as well as marriage. Because, you know, motherhood is a grind. And it is—no one talks about how tiring it is and how boring it is and how difficult it can be.

1:00:27and we're all supposed to pretend like we're having the best time in our lives and our children are our biggest gifts and miracles. And they are. They're wonderful, wonderful miracles. And I'm so happy to have them. But it's just like from one woman to another, one mother to another, one married woman to another, one divorced woman to another, when you start telling the truth on stage and you hear it from other people, it's a huge relief. You feel really seen. And that's your comedy. Your comedy is really, really good jokes, but you're telling the truth about life in real time. it's why people really respond to you.

1:00:58I mean, I think so. I make jokes about it. And I, you know, I talk about how 16 years of being a stay-at-home mom, I learned that I'm not into my kids. And I like the kids, but it's the job of mothering that's horrible. Yeah. And I just say it now. I mean, there's no point. That's the thing. If you're going to do the comedy, do the comedy. Yeah. I do four open mics a night here. I can't do that. Do you still do four nights? Absolutely. I'll stop in at any club because I'm building material constantly. I'm building. I am. I'm working on my third hour. I'm working on my second book. Okay. And so we should talk about that because you have a special coming out in July.

1:01:39Tell us. It's called? Practical People Win.

1:01:46Wiping around the bush. Such a good title. Practical People Win. You had a huge special on Amazon. Yeah. One in a billion. One in a billion. And you did a movie, what's the name of the movie? A Nice Indian Boy. A Nice Indian Boy. And you worked with Jonathan Groff. Yes. Tell us about him. He's my son-in-law in the movie. Yes, yes. Oh, my God. Love. He's unbelievable. I know, so talented. He's so gorgeous. I'm like, why are you doing this? We hang out all the time. And I'm like, why are you an actor and you're singing? And like, you should be in med school, John. This is a weekend job. I tell him all the time and even he's like but you know my plays do well he's like I'm doing okay the poor guy has to feel like he has to justify to me because I had such an overbearing mom character in that movie that we kind of all became the character we were together for a month and every day you know my director so just so you know our director in that movie is not only a movie director but is also a cancer surgeon he's an Indian guy whose mom won't Wait, wait, wait.

1:02:55He's a director and a cancer surgeon? Yes. And his mom won't let him quit the medicine for the Hollywood thing. Wow. So three months of the year, he's in Boston at Harvard practicing cancer medicine. Wow. Because his mom won't let him quit. She's like, I don't trust these Hollywood people. She's right. The business is terrible right now. So it's a real thing. Yeah. So I used to tell Jonathan, I'm like, look at him. See, he's doing it. Jonathan should do both Jonathan you can go to med school while you're on Broadway Could you imagine if you're dying And Jonathan Groff walks in That's gonna give you life right there That would extend your life By a few weeks right there As he's you know Giving you a shot he's just Singing a lullaby to you at the same time Sounds great And I want to ask you about Because I loved this story And I don't think you've told it We were texting we've like I said before we've been on the road a lot what have we what have we what have you learned about being on the road with me and Tina oh my god like I mean we just really we've had a lot of fun on the road and it's because we don't like having fun on the road exactly because the pressure is not on that's right we're not trying to be cool no we're actually not actively not trying to be cool we're not trying to find the hot spots we're not trying to like collaborate with like the cool people in town.

1:04:21You guys have famous guests all the time in your shows and like I don't see any like I hope we get to see it. You're more like, all right, what do we have to meet everybody? But I appreciate that because you're there for the business that you're there for. I appreciate that you take your audience very seriously. As do you. That's the one thing we have in common. Agree. And I think as women working, that is the bar. Yeah. You have to perform up here if you're going to have a career. And you know that. Tina knows that. And I love that. And then as soon as it's done, it's done. Yeah. We unwind. Sometimes we text each other from our rooms.

1:05:00I know. We're like, how fast did you get in your pajamas tonight? But you told me a story about a show you did in Dubai. Yeah. And I think that that was an amazing travel story. Could you tell me that? Because you were traveling during that giant flood or storm. What happened then? First of all, I didn't want to do the show, but Dubai Comedy Festival. I did it because back home, those women don't see this version of any woman back then. Like, I am one of one in this whole world who does what I do. Very home-style, brown people comedy, take on your mother-in-law. and on and these people had been like requesting for so long that please come the women would love to see you and uh I was like very torn because you know I wasn't sure how the comedy and it's it's not America people don't understand what America is you're you get up on stage you trash your president it's fine you go on stage you do that somewhere else you're gonna end up in jail like if you really like it's no joke you really will not leave the country so I was very had mixed feelings, but I agreed to do it.

1:06:13And this is a huge, humongous, once-in-a-lifetime flood while I'm in the air. 20 minutes before we're landing in Dubai, the flight gets diverted to Oman, Musket. And we land in Musket, and we're stranded at the airport for three days because all these airplanes landed in Musket because there was no safe place to land. And you stayed at the airport. At the airport. There was no place to go. And you know what? People knew who I was a lot of people and word spread. So they were like, tell her to tweet. Tell her to tweet that we're frustrated. Tell her to tweet that the airlines are getting. And I don't do any of that.

1:06:50My page is a very positive page. I'm not one like, oh, you, this restaurant sucks. That's not my wife. So I kept being like, guys, I don't do that. And please, because they would shove a phone in my face and be like, make a video. So I did think that that storm was brought on by my mother-in-law because she does have a history of trying to destroy my career in many ways. I mean, my comedy special on Amazon has thousands of perfect reviews and then 12 one-stars from the same region in India. You know it's her. You know it's her. She takes people's phones and she presses it. But I was there for three days and I remember texting you because you were worried for me because you knew how stressed out I was.

1:07:38Oh, it was so stressful. And I remember at one point you were like, oh, so it sounds like you moved to Dubai. I'm like, what? Because at the time I was so hopeless that I was like, am I ever going to leave? After two days you start thinking like, is this ever going to resolve? But your text came in to, oh, it sounds like you've moved there now. It was nice knowing you. And Zarin, I love the end. You write about it and you write about it in your book. but you get on stage you have an incredible show. Yeah. Right? Like you make it with hours to go or something. Minutes. Minutes. It's one of the only shows that went on last year.

1:08:17I think three shows went on. Mine was the only one. And your brother joins you on stage. Yeah. And that was a really powerful moment. Yeah. My brother actually joined me in Mumbai. Oh, in Mumbai. After Dubai I went to Mumbai which was very painful. So you went to Dubai and then you ended up in Mumbai. I was very scared of my Mumbai show. I don't like doing comedy in India. I have such, you know, it's like I have such a negative association with how people perceive me that I'm not comfortable. But I agreed to do one show and my brother and all his friends and everybody was in the audience. And I just couldn't.

1:08:48I called him up on stage at the end because it's my hometown. Yeah. You realize what home is when you're gone and you come back and you're like, God, I know every street. Yeah. I know every store. I know every building. Even 30 years later. So I called him up and, oh my God, it was water. I couldn't even control myself. I started crying. He started crying because he was like, what is this whole thinking, feelings thing happening? And I think it hit a chord with everybody in the audience because they all had, everybody has that somebody that they miss. Whether it's they lost them to life or death or distance or whatever.

1:09:29and that ending of that show became that moment of like you know I told I told people in India so here we talk about immigrants in America right people who come here Indian people are used to talking about people who leave and why they leave and the perception back home very much is that everybody leaves for the money that you get a good job in America you earn an American dollars and that's why you leave. And I remember like telling them, I was like, you know, in India, I'm referred to as an NRI. That's a non-resident Indian. And I said, you know, not every non-resident Indian is an asshole. Like we didn't all just see the money and escape.

1:10:13Some of us actually were just trying to survive. Like we left such, I remember weeping through the entire flight to Ohio. and some of us can't believe that we're not here yet. And I think that that's the first time they had heard that from somebody who is considered successful in America. They are much more used to American Indians coming back to India and telling them everything that's wrong with India. You need to fix these potholes. You need to be more democratic. Give women more rights. They go back and they like sermonize because they're so successful. they feel like they've seen a better life and I'm the opposite I have so much love for India I have so much pain in my heart for leaving not just my brother like I went and I visited all those old fruit sellers and I mean they're all gone but I met my driver my driver who's a character in my book also the guy who drove me around so I could sit in air conditioning and read in peace that was a thing in my childhood so I remember having making that speech and like the whole audience was in tears we were like we are all much more one than than we think whether you live there or you live here or whatever your story is at the end of the day the human emotions are the same like I didn't want to come here I really thought I was going to live in India and like make my life I thought I would my mom would be would be swimming with me till I was 50 years all day you know and I met my mom's best friend oh my god that was the most painful my mom's best friend came to the show came to the show wow Amy I was gutted I was like you got 40 more years of life yeah you know and and she was like if she if your mom was alive she would be so proud and I was like oh my god I'm not sure about that actually I'm not I was like oh because I remember when my horoscope my astrologer told my mom that this girl is going to talk and talk and talk at my birth my mom was terrified for me but my mom's best friend was in the show too and she was like I was very oh my god I can't I I I want to share that you gave me this bracelet and also people should know it was it's an expensive bracelet oh Zarna loves expensive things you're always telling me to go buy fancy things we're kind You're kind of a pusher when it comes to shopping.

1:12:46Well, we have reasons. Like, I'll have a bad day and I'll be like, Amy, this was a Gucci tote level bad day. Yeah. And you understand. And I say, I think that that makes perfect sense. Why do we work so hard if we can't do that? But you gave me a beautiful bracelet and you told me that it had. Yeah. Can you explain? So in India, we have a day, a religious day that is traditionally celebrated between brothers and sisters called Raksha Vandam. where the sister ties a bracelet around the brother's wrist and promises to love him. And he in turn promises to protect her. That's how that tradition started.

1:13:24In the modern iteration of it, sisters tied to each other a bracelet. It's usually a modest red thread, but like we don't play that way. We don't roll with the modest red thread situation. and I feel so grateful to have you and okay it's it's Amy's podcast so like I don't feel as grateful about Tina yeah just let's focus on me yeah let's just focus Tina doesn't have a podcast does she have a podcast no she doesn't have a podcast like it's Amy's number one yeah yeah uh I feel so grateful you guys kind of took me under your wing and I wanted to express the promise that we take very seriously back home.

1:14:07It's this thread that we tie. And we really, it's a commitment. It's not just a thread. We, like, I'm living that commitment with my siblings. I lived with my sister for years. Could you imagine having to take in a sibling for years? And I was outspoken even in Ohio. Like, I had my moments with my siblings everywhere. Of course. I still love my brother dearly. And it's something like, I know if anything goes sideways in my life, he will be there. on day one. So I gave you this bracelet. And also, I love giving. I do. I know. You are a giver. You're very generous, Zarn. No, but I love. Giving is so much more fun than getting.

1:14:47Than getting. Yeah. Well, I could talk to you forever, and I have, but I want to end with a good segue to that, which is we both took this, like, Enneagram test, and we found out we were the same number. For the people who care, we are both, Zarn and I are both Enneagram 8s, which is kind of rare for women. But very quickly, what that means is like we're challengers. Like if someone says, you know, this way, you have to walk this way. Zarna and I are like, what about this way? You know, we like to question authority, basically. And you've talked about it a lot, like how you kept saying, well, maybe I could do it this way.

1:15:22Well, what about this way? Like, and we, you know, I never have to guess how you feel. And I love that. That relaxes me. Yeah. Some people are different. But before we go, I wanted to read to you, if anyone who cares about this kind of fun, like, personality stuff, I wanted to read to you things that annoy an Enneagram 8. Okay. And see if you agree. Yeah. Okay. Because these really made me laugh. Okay. Okay. People who talk just to talk. Oh, annoyed. The worst. Yeah, the worst. Like. Please don't. You know, like, people that are, like, you're on a conference call and they're, like, I just also think.

1:15:59And it's just, like, you're just talking. No, no, please don't think. Please don't think. Please don't think, like when they start that, it's like, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Fake people. Can't stand. Yeah. Just say it. We don't have to agree, but I still appreciate the honesty. Totally agree. I love, I don't even, I don't have to agree with anybody. I like conflict. It makes me feel kind of alive. You do like conflict, Amy. I do like conflict. A little bit, a little bit. Indecisiveness. No. Can't. No. I mean, just make a plan. Please leave the chat now. Yeah. if you're gonna add 10 more layers of should we go here should we not go here I will be like you're out me too I'm starting another chat and I bet you're like me too when the bill comes and everyone wants to pay it's like please someone just pay someone just pay it's not that deep it's an egg salad relax people who need constant praise oh my god I know I love it cannot stand it cannot right like grow up to me if you're doing a good job and I love to tell people they're doing a good job and so do you But to me, no news is good news.

1:17:02Good news. And don't wait for it. Don't be fishing for it. The worst are the fishers. The ones that are like, I guess I just was kind of sad that I didn't hear that. And you're like, oh, you did a good job? Great job. Now, first of all, you did the job you were paid to do. So let's just say that. Because we're in a generation now, you got to pay these people and like constantly mother them. You got to tell them a good job. I'm like, you know, I don't pay people to do a bad job. Like, if you didn't do a good job tomorrow, you're not going to be here. Yeah, but you got to tell them. Yeah, you do.

1:17:38And then the last one, which I love, is asserting power in a situation where they have none. That one really struck me. When others pretend that they have power when they don't. Oh, that's so lame. Like, what comes up for me, and I mean, a lot of stuff comes up for me at airports, is TSA. Yeah. Yeah, but they—you got to play the game a little bit. Of course. You kind of have to. But here's how I play the game. Yeah. I'm completely prepared. Yeah. I would never go through TSA with any—I would—if my—if the alarm goes off, I'm fully shamed for a day. If I forget to take my water bottle out, I don't deserve to fly.

1:18:22But when someone asserts power, I mean, that's actually not really true now that I think about it because they do have power. But when someone pretends they have power and they don't. Yeah. That makes me nuts. But they do it all the time. These are petty games. It drives me nuts, but I play it. Of course. You know, like doctor's office, they'll be like, we don't have an appointment. We have an appointment. We don't have an appointment. I'm like, let's play this game for five minutes and then give me the appointment. Well, what are you, how are you like with doctors? Because I'm very challenging.

1:18:51doctors. I was going to say very bad. And now Chad GPT has made it worse. I'm always like, who made you the boss? And they're like, a school. I went to school. But as soon as they come in, I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no. And you're that way too. And I have so many questions for them. And the last thing I'll ask you is, what are you listening to right now that's making you laugh? What are you watching? What do you do to laugh? I mean, your job is comedy. The Good Hang Podcast. Rachel Dratch, you can't top that moment. I'm sorry. I'm so glad you were part of it. The dog, the doorbell, the Uber driver.

1:19:28Incredible. We were all so frazzled. We were like, what is happening? I know. I was like, is this, is she creating? For a minute, I was like, did she plan this? But she couldn't have. No, Rachel Dratch continues to be such a wonderful, not only friend and comedian, but for me, she helps my mental health. Because I used to watch Debbie Downer when I needed to just laugh. And now she's yet again provided a moment for me that I go back to and watch. It's going to be one for the ages. I go back to it, too. But do you watch comedy? Yeah, I watch all the stand-up comics. Because I don't enjoy comedy.

1:20:04Yeah, I mean, I'll move through it. And I also see them in real life a lot. But we do it for our jobs. So sometimes I just really don't want to watch it. Because if it's good, I'm a little bit like, damn, that's good. And if it's bad, it's just like, what am I doing? Yeah. Yeah, but you do. you watch I watch all of it yeah but like right now who are you loving to watch I mean so many great women comics oh my god Hannah Burner I know Hannah and I you know we have our own little thing too and I know you have your thing she's amazing yeah and it's it's stand-up comedy but it's like adjacent it's got this social media angle to it which is my space yeah so I love seeing the moms who are like creating all this like weird things around stand-up comedy because for so long it was dominated only by men and they did it their way which is like the minimum effort right 25 right just put your shirt on not even it's don't even iron it show up and just speak but the women like brick wall literal brick wall and look at this no plants no food yeah nothing but the women are doing like jessica kirsten who's like a you know a friend of mine like she's she's lesbian she's a mom of four it's like so much interesting stuff happening in that space that that those are my favorites to watch awesome sarana i could talk to you forever i really do feel like you're such a great example of you're just it's never it's never too late to meet you know it's never too late it's never too late i like to say that if you win the day before you die you still won I love that Zarn and it's about winning it's big things coming big things coming always why did I marry this guy?

1:21:50I told him big things yeah big things are coming always and big things are here thank you Zarnagard thank you thank you Amy Poehler well Zarnagard thank you so much you're amazing your book This American Woman check it out and you know I'm going to take this time for this polar plunge to just plug Zarnagard Zarnagard's stuff because Zarna would want me to do that. And all of her stuff is so great. So check out her old special, One in a Billion on Amazon. Check out her new special that just came out, Practical People Win. Check out any of the dates where she's touring. And she's so great. It is a great night out.

1:22:30And of course, This American Woman, her New York bestseller, Zarna Garg, everywhere taking over this business as she should. So thank you for joining us, Arna. Thank you for listening to Good Hang. And we'll see you soon. Bye. You've been listening to Good Hang. The executive producers for this show are Bill Simmons, Jenna Weiss-Berman, and me, Amy Poehler. The show is produced by The Ringer and Paper Kite. For The Ringer, production by Jack Wilson, Kat Spillane, Kaya McMullen, and Alaya Zanaris. For Paper Kite, production by Sam Green, Joel Lovell, and Jenna Weiss-Berman. Original music by Amy Miles.

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