A Tween Parenting Shift for the AI Era (Introducing The In-Between Years)

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1:18And as kids get older, that relationship gets more complicated. Between and teen years just bring new territory. phones, social media, shifting friendships, dating, independence, identity, and now things like AI and technology that we're still figuring out ourselves. A lot of you have been with me at Good Inside for a while. And I keep hearing the same thing. Dr. Becky, our kids are older now. Can you please grow up with us? And so we are. And this is really one of the main reasons why we created a brand new podcast called The In-Between Years, hosted by my colleague, Dr. Cheryl Ziegler. Dr. Cheryl is a clinical psychologist who has spent decades working directly with tweens, teens, and their families.

2:06And every week on The In-Between Years, she talks with real parents about the questions that start showing up during that stage of life and the moments that just feel confusing, scary, or totally new. Just to get ahead of any questions, I will still be weighing in on the tween and teen years. I mean, I have so many ideas I want to share too. And honestly, Dr. Cheryl has been the colleague I've gone to, to ask my own questions, to talk about my own struggles with the tween and teen years in my house. And so from time to time, I'll drop into the pod as well. Questions that Dr. Cheryl is going to be exploring are gonna be things like, how do you talk to kids not only about technology, but about AI?

2:48How do you stay connected? when your kid starts to turn more toward their peers? How do you guide your kid through their mistakes without them pushing you away or slamming the door in your face? And today I wanna share a short clip from one of Dr. Cheryl's recent conversations. This one is with a parent who's feeling something I think all of us are feeling right now, the sense that technology is moving faster than we can keep up with. And in this moment, Dr. Cheryl reframes the whole problem in such a grounding and powerful way. And she offers a simple way parents can talk with their kids about AI without fear, without shame, without panic, and without needing to be the expert.

3:32Please enjoy this clip from an upcoming episode of the In Between Years from Good Inside. I have a son who is seven and I have a daughter who is nine and a half. and we are just on the cusp of navigating all the things technology and social media and AI. And that's kind of why I'm here today, because it's all very scary. And I don't really know how can I equip my kids for something that is so swiftly changing when I don't even feel like I have a handle on it. I think that that's what I'm afraid of. You're scared of like three major things. Number one is the unknown. I don't even know this thing, right?

4:16I don't even know. I don't know what kind of consequence can, it's just the unknown. Number two, even if the unknown becomes somewhat known to me, it's going to change. I know it's going to change. And it seems like it's changing really fast. So I'm always going to be behind. Like I'm never going to know, like, how is it changing? Where's the showing up? And number three, I don't know how to prepare myself for this? And if I can't prepare myself for this, how am I supposed to prepare my kid for this? Yes, absolutely correct. So the first thing I want to say, you know, the image of like, sometimes people call it like, I do a volcano or there's like the iceberg and the tip is what you can see.

4:53And then most of it underneath is what you can't see. The tip of the iceberg is like AI, the unknown. Is it going to take over? Is it going to replace humans? It's going to replace jobs, like, ah, all the fears, right? That's like the tip. But all the stuff underneath, what I hear you saying is not really about technology, right? It's really about how do I raise my kid so that they can think for themselves, so that they can protect themselves, so that they know the difference between, it's not just right and wrong anymore. It's like between real and fake. Yes. Yes. How do I raise my kids so that when they do watch something next year at a sleepover on someone else's iPad, they still feel comfortable to come home to me and say, I saw this thing.

5:42I don't know, mommy. It was confusing. Yes. Right. Yes. So I want you to start reframing that like as opposed to, oh, my gosh, A.I. terrifies me. Maybe it's more like Like my kid growing up, growing older and be exposed to things that I don't know that much about is really scary to me. So when we do that, what that does is help you get grounded in knowing, oh, I don't need to be like a tech expert. Oh, maybe it doesn't matter. What is the difference between chat, GBT and Claude? Like, I don't even know. Right. All of a sudden, that's less important. And there are a couple of things that are the difference between the kid who discovers AI and starts doing things on there that would make you uncomfortable and between the kid who goes on it and then goes literally yells from the couch like, mom, come here, let me show you this thing.

6:35Mom, come here. Look at what this thing can do. Right. So here's how I want you thinking about the setup, because you are so clear. I want to be prepared. I want to just be equipped to deal with what might come. So the first thing I want you to do is I want you to be curious about the things your kid's curious about. What are they curious about? Like right now, right? I might be curious about animals. Oh, I might be curious about, you know, the rainforest. Eventually it's like, I'm curious about this thing called AI. I heard it can do like really cool things. And I want you to be right alongside with her, being curious with her.

7:15The biggest mistake I see that parents make, it's usually of teens, is that they feel there's that humility that they don't have. Like they feel like they should know everything because like up until this minute, I kind of did know most things, right? Until she's 10, maybe even 11, 11, it might start changing. You're the smartest human being she knows, you and her teacher, right? You're everything to her. You're the smartest, you're the most beautiful, you know everything and any single solitary thing that's wrong in her life, somehow you magically know how to fix it. Right? That's the power of you today.

7:51I know. It's beautiful. It's a beautiful thing. This is really cool too, though. You're going to go from that. And then all of a sudden she's going to be like, hmm, I heard this thing and my friends are talking about it and maybe they seem a little sneaky about it. So like, am I not supposed to be going home and talking to my mom about it. Right. And then that's where they're one foot in childhood and one foot in that beginning adolescence. Like, so should I keep that? So by you saying, I want to be ahead of it, it just sounds something like this. You know what? This might be the year where at school or maybe even with your friends, they might start using something called Chachibichi or clog, right?

8:30Or something like that. And it's funny because she might say to you, oh yeah, I've heard of that. Oh really? Tell me what you know about it. Yeah. Yeah. I would love to know what you're learning about it because it's changing so fast that I used to know kind of things on it, but like, I don't know if I do anymore. Or you can say, if this is true, something like, I would love to hear what you're excited about with this. I know for me, I've used it a little bit. Like I ask it for recipes. You probably don't even know that, but that's how I make recipes. Or when I was like redesigning your room, I took pictures and it helped me come up with the coolest design ideas.

9:04So now you're normalizing something, right you're saying um i've used it to a little whatever the truth is a little bit a lot not at all whatever and um this is how it's been helpful for me that's how you set the tone of like hey with some moderation with some guardrails around this thing this can be really cool now where could it get bad right because if it was just so great we wouldn't be talking about you wouldn't be scared. And then she could be like, you know, what? And then you just give a kind of a mild example. I don't know. I've heard like, because it's so amazing, you can take like pictures of things and then you can change them.

9:43And I know sometimes imagine if people did that, like it could hurt someone's feelings or something and you just keep it like that. That's 11 year old appropriate. It just can change pictures, right? When she's 13, you're going to go deeper. When she's 15, she's going to tell you a story and you're going to be like, whoa. Yeah. Right. But at 11, when she's young, you're just sort of like curious and you're acting very open and you're sprinkling in little things.

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11:26So here's the biggest thing today I will say that I know, I really know is going to keep evolving. I would say something to her like, it is actually created to sound like you're talking to someone, like maybe even like you're talking to me or like you're talking to your dad or like you're talking to, you know, grandma. And then she's, you know, she's living in this world. She's growing up in it. So she will understand that. And then you can say, so one of the things that I've heard is not that great is that sometimes people go to it, like instead of going to an adult or a teacher. Yes. Right. So now I'm trying to role model for you how you're getting to the hard stuff, but it's not fear-based.

12:05It's you're calm. She's calm. You're giving her, especially as a beginning conversation, just the right amount of, again, curiosity. And she might be like, what do you mean? And so I actually just shared with everybody a funny example this morning, right? A little example you could use. I have a teenage daughter and her legs hurt yesterday. And so I talked to her last night and I said, oh, so what did you wind up doing about your legs? I know that they were so sore. Do they feel better now? And she said, oh yeah, I chat, she BT'd what to do about sore legs. And it told me to wear compression socks.

12:35And in that moment, I thought, see, that chat replaced me. And that's a pretty benign, like that was good advice. I don't have a problem with that. But if I have an 11 year old and maybe they got their period for the first time, right? Or somebody said something really mean to them at school or they have acne and they heard all these different things they could possibly do about it. Do I want them going to artificial intelligence or do I want them coming to me? How can I encourage her to come to me first without going to AI? Like, is there anything that I can like set the tone for now before she's using it to like encourage her to always come to me first?

13:22Because I would hate that, obviously, if like for her to go to that first, you know? Again, she's nine and a half. So she is not yet as impulsive as like a kid in puberty or a teenager. Okay. Right. She's not yet as impulsive. of. So what you want to do is predict that out because that's your mindset anyways. I want to prepare. So what you want to say is like, oh, so one of the things that I know people do because they really do. I know people do is sometimes they go to it for things like advice or they tell it their deep feelings or they talk to it like a friend or even like a therapist. Right.

14:00Because we know the stats right now. It's like nearly 40 percent of teenagers say they do that and even more adults do that. So this is very real. And then you say to her, not like, and that would be really bad. I'd never want you to do that. I want you to come to me. Right. What you want to say instead is, and you know what, like, I kind of understand in some ways why people would do that because it's always there. It's always available. It's never distracted. It gives you usually some pretty good advice, but we don't always know what it's going to say. And sometimes for some kids, they'll say they feel like it's less embarrassing because they can tell it anything.

14:38And it's like, it's a bot, right? It's not a person. So if you say someone was mean to you today, you don't have to worry that it's going to get all upset and call the teacher. So you can say to her. And so while I do understand why people do that, here's what I want to do in our house. Like if I ever have a question about you, like, you know, you've never been 11 before. And so if I have a question about like, am I doing the best thing for an 11 year old daughter? How about I make you a deal? I am not going to go to an AI chatbot first. I'm going to talk to, and then you could say your best friend, your sister, you know what I mean?

15:15You're going to model for her what you want for her to stay in human relationship. So you can say, okay, so let's make a deal. All right. I promise. Like the first time that you go to the mall by yourself and she's going to laugh, right? This doesn't sound foreign to her, but I promise I'm not going to go on my phone and ask like what I should do and how the rules are. Promise. Okay. I'm going to talk to aunt so-and-so who has an older daughter. I'm going to talk about with her. So you're not lecturing her. You're not saying, so then when you have a problem, you need to come to me. Right. And then you can say to her, okay, so now let's think about it for you.

15:49Like maybe you say, you know, next month you're going to be getting a phone or whatever. So when you have a problem at school, like let's say somebody was like mean to you or you had a question about something and you felt personal and maybe you were starting to feel like you weren't sure if you should ask me, like, what are you going to do? What do you think you can do? What do you think you can talk to? And hopefully she'll say, maybe I would talk to aunt so-and-so, maybe grandma, maybe you, blah, blah, blah. And say, okay, let's make a deal. Let's just, let's start with like a person who actually knows us and we actually know we'll start there.

16:17And then maybe if together we want to see what it says, we can do that together.

16:25So that was my close colleague and friend, Dr. Cheryl Ziegler, host of Good Insights new podcast, The In Between Years. One of the things I love about this conversation is the shift she makes. Learning to live with technology or AI isn't about being an expert in technology or AI. It's about staying connected to your kid. It's about curiosity. and actually you can only be curious if you don't fully understand something. So if you don't fully understand it, you're doing an A plus job. It's all about creating a relationship where your kid can still come to you when something confusing shows up in their world, even if they know you don't have all the information.

17:12That's kind of what the tween and teen years are all about. your kids don't need you less they need you differently if you're parenting a tween or teen or if you know those years are coming i just know you're going to get a lot out of this show every wednesday dr cheryl talks with real parents about the challenges that show up during these years and helps you understand what's actually going on underneath your kids behavior so you can respond in a way that keeps your relationship strong because as our kids get older, our relationship is kind of the only strategy we have. And even when teens say they don't need you, they still need you.

17:56And as for me, I'll be popping into that show once in a while because of course I still have things to say about those years as well. You can find the In Between Years wherever you listen to podcasts. Just search for The In Between Years from Good Inside. Hit follow and start with the latest episode. And then you can always email us, podcast at goodinside.com to tell us about it. We love to hear what you liked, but trust us. We like to hear what you didn't like or what you want more of or what we got wrong or what needs more nuance or what needs to be different to apply to your specific situation.

18:31Your voice really does shape what we do here. Your voice helped shape opening up this whole new podcast so we could grow up with you. And so we want your voice to shape exactly what it will look like. So please email us, podcast at goodinside.com. And let's end the way we always do. Place your feet on the ground and place your hand on your heart. And let's remind ourselves because we really need this reminder in the tween and teen years. Even as we struggle on the outside. We remain good inside. I can't wait to hear from you.

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