Are You Pushing Your Kid or Managing Your Fear?

0:00There's a very specific kind of tired that comes with parenting. It's not just late nights. Oh no, it's the mental load, the early mornings, the constantly being needed or having someone sitting on your lap. And I know for me, sometimes I'll catch myself looking at my reflection and just think, this is not great. My eyes are telling the whole story of the last couple days. It's why I use Ula Henriksen's Banana Bright Plus Eye Cream. It's clinically crafted with gold-complexed vitamin C that instantly brightens tired eyes while visibly reducing dark circles, so you look more rested even when you're not.

0:34And I really appreciate that it's that simple. One small step in the morning that helps you feel a little more put together before you start taking care of everyone else. Because this isn't about perfection. It's about feeling like yourself in a demanding season. If you want to try it, use code DrBecky30 for 30 % off the Banana Bright Plus eye cream at ulahenrikson.com. A lot of my motivation was I wanted to not be where I was. So a lot of the things that I did, I had convinced myself that if I am the best at everything I do, I can change my situation. I can have something bigger. I can have more.

1:17I can do more things. Yeah. And he doesn't have that.

1:25A couple years ago, one of my kids was playing a lot of baseball and started the season and came back and said to me, a couple kids in my team have gotten really good over the summer. I think I'm going to be moving down in the batting order. I panicked. If this was me at that age, what I would have said to my parents is something very different. Oh my goodness, I'm not good at baseball anymore. I need to practice. I need to go to the gym. I even need like a lesson or I need to spend time with me. I would have been livid. And in this moment, so much flashed in front of me. It also made me think about academic moments, thinking my kid could do better, do more with their talents.

2:05And what is my role if they're not pushing themselves? Or maybe is my kid not pushing themselves because I have always pushed them and they kind of have lost that intrinsic motivation? What is my role around my kid's potential. My Leek is here again, and we're going to have another episode of Is It True? And what we're going to unpack today is this idea. If I don't push my kid, my kid is going to waste their potential. Is it true? I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm so glad you're here. All right, My Leek, have you had that thought? If I don't push my kid, Yes. My kid is going to waste their potential.

2:50Absolutely. I have I'm in the middle of a parent situation where my kid does very well in school and every week the work comes home and I'm watching one subject kind of just go down further. and I'm just, what is my role here? I feel like I've tried everything. I've talked to him. We need the highlighters. We need, you know, we're now at an age where you need to start reading the caption under the pictures, you know? And he does not seem to care. And I just wonder, how much do I push him? Will he get it at some point? And my situation was that I was always really good in school and no one pushed me.

3:38And so I wonder what would have happened if someone did. And so I'm trying to find like, what is the dance that I do? I was highly competitive. I wanted to beat everybody. So I'm always looking at, you know, how everyone else is doing and I'm wanting to be at the top of, I want to be in first. I want all the stars. I want my name at the top of the chalkboard and just having a kid who's like, I mean, it's fine. This is not a big deal. Like I'll get it or not. And this almost like school is not a measure of who I am. I know who I am. And this work doesn't measure that for me. I think that's exactly right.

4:23So you had a report card moment, an incident. So let's just zero in on that moment, whether it's perfectly representative of this topic or not. let's just go there so we can really envision it so the report card comes home and it's straight A's and there's one part of me that's like very proud very like yeah mom and then but there's the one this one subject that I feel like I have been talking about that is the lowest A and I Becky I sat there like going back and forth, like, can I be proud or should I have a problem? Because I have been talking about this and now this is exactly what I said was going to happen.

5:06And this is, I mean, the next report card, it probably is not going to be an A. And I mean, I sat there for a while until I hopped in the community and I'm like, someone talk me off the cliff. Because why will I always have an issue? Will this always be a problem for me of like, it doesn't matter what the grades are. In my mind, I want to believe I'm not that parent. In my mind, I want to believe that the report card comes home and I'm like, gave his greatest effort. This isn't, this isn't, this doesn't show who he is. I want, in my mind, I'm an evolved parent. I love that parent. I don't know her, but she seems wonderful.

5:48She's just the report card. The report card comes and nothing phases her. She's like, this doesn't define who he is. I know my child, but there was something in me that's like, we got to push. We got to push. You can do better than this. I know you can. Well, you know, let me go down a little bit of rabbit hole that you went past. I know he's doing his best but is that actually where the pivot point is there's still everything it brings up in us and how we right but true question were you sure he's doing his best or with that subject are you like I actually know like I know I just don't think he's putting effort which one is it I know he's not he's not I know I felt like I know he isn't because I know how well he reads it's just it's a situation where he's kind of like we've done ever since he started reading.

6:38He's like, this is how I think the story should go. And I'm like, they're not. This is school is measuring. Do you understand what's being written? Not what is your what you think should be written? So I know he knows what is happening, but just I feel like he's making the choice every time. But that's not what I want to do. So if I just zoom out for a second, because I think effort here, when we think about our kids potential, there's their natural abilities. Right. Right. That they have. And you see a kid have certain temperament or be interested in certain topics and interests. And then there's effort.

7:13Right. And I think I think where a lot of us get triggered is when we see a kid with our kid with what we deem to be high ability. Yes. Or at least they're capable. Right. With low effort. Yes. And I don't know about for you. I think one of the reasons it triggers me is I think a lot. I'm just going to talk about academically. I feel like you have to only be like yay smart in terms of your ability to do well in life. Yeah. And what ends up mattering a lot more is your effort, is your willingness to take on challenges, is your openness to feedback. Early on for kids, what can really shine is just pure ability.

7:55Right. You all see those kids like, wow, you're reading at age three. You're naturally doing math. And those kids get a lot of feedback. And they can build their idea. I'm such a smart kid. They build their identity. Oh, this kid's already reading in class. You know those things happen and they hear it and they hear it. And I know for me, one of the things that can trigger me in these situations around potential are, oh, like something's happened where you're starting to rely on your ability. Yes. And I know in life, those kids who are more pure effort, they're going to pass you by your brain.

8:27Yes. When did that happen? They are going to eat your, they're going to come for you. They're going to eat your lunch because you're just out here. La, la, la. I know I can do it. And the kid who's working harder, the kid who's maybe having to, who's getting lower grades, but is pushing themselves and is trying hard. And every week they're coming back to it. And you're just like, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. And I think this is particularly true. And I know your son, kids who have kind of some early abilities, right? Every kid develops a different pace, but there are some kids like that. They are the kids.

9:00I, I sound funny, like I quote worry about. Same. The kids who are later readers and are able to stick with it. And, you know, I think about one of my kids who had all of these early speech issues, like major speech issues and had to really work through things. And I'm like that kid early in that child's body, the circuit of I'm not figuring this out. I have to work and try extra and push and push. That is going to set that child up in such a different way than like the kids whose first five, six years are kind of up and to the right. Yes, that's I feel the same way. I have another kid who I feel has a special relationship with failure, like who's just used to not getting it right the first, second or third time.

9:45And I just feel like what that builds in you when you're like, OK, I didn't get it right this time. I'm going to try another way. I'm going to try again. And I'm like, I can see her going down the line of like not maybe getting the job the first time. You know, she goes for an interview, doesn't get it. She's going to work harder. I mean, what's she going to do after? What will she do? Because she's used to hearing, no, that's not right. Or you didn't get it. And I just I'm like, I do worry. I worry about the kid who doesn't have enough experience with that. And I do think that's underneath this.

10:20What's my role around my kids potential? So let's let's kind of come back to that, because the other thing I want to separate and maybe we can zoom in on the report card thing. Okay. So the report card moment comes, if we had buckets and one bucket is what part of my reaction is like about me? What is, what is my portion? Okay. Okay. And we have to be ashamed of all of it. We're just bucketing it. Right. And the other bucket is like, what is a true concern about something happening with my son? So let's start with you. Right. What part of the reaction do you kind of know? It's just, It's my own story.

10:56It's my own. My own story is honestly, I had to do so much on my own. And here it is. I'm setting you up. You're getting the best education. You've got access to everything. That's my stuff because, you know, I'm feeling like I'm doing all of this for you and you don't care. But let's stay there because you're saying, is this right? I didn't have an early family environment where I was maximizing the systems around me. I did not. Do you feel like you had to create your own systems for success? Yes, I did. I did. And so I think when you say, OK, what's in the bucket of my stuff? It's like, here it is.

11:37You you have this fabulous early education, you know, starting at like 11 months. like give me a break you know what I mean like I I set you up did you do the black and white cards when he was a baby okay 11 months come on I'm I'm tummy time honey I'm old you were tummy time black and white carding like come on come on and then I you know I toured all of the schools I got you into the you know they're speaking Spanish you're all the things and here we are yes and You're just like, maybe I don't. So that's my stuff. My stuff is like, I didn't have all of this and you have all of this. And I think there's also an intention there that matters.

12:21I'm giving this to you. And there is probably an assumption there. I don't think it's wrong. Like I'm giving this to you because I think it's going to help you. Yes. Right? Like this is not like a favor. I think this is going to help you. This is going to help you have a type of early experience that I didn't have. And so it's going to look even better for you. Yes. Than it did for me. Completely. Right? Yes. I think we have that. I don't know why I'm associating. I have that when I take my kids on vacations. Yes. I didn't get to go to a place like this. Yes. And so you're welcome. And you're going to thank me.

12:52And you're going to say, oh, I'm so lucky to be in this family. And I don't need ice cream because I'm at this vacation, mom. Like, you know, and you're three. But you're going to say all those things. Yes. Right? That's my stuff. You know, that's my bucket of all of the things that I've done to set you up for, you know, for you to just rock it out of here. Yes. And. Yup. That's right. Yeah. And I think a little bit too, I've never thought about this till this moment, is maybe we think when we make, and I think this is powerful, we can talk about this in other ways too. So many of us had to create our own system.

13:25Yes. Grit and effort. Yes. And then we do think I'm going to give my kid a system, which kind of does change their relationship with grit and effort. Because so much of the grit and effort was to create systems. Right. Okay. So that's what's going on for you. In my bucket. Okay. And if we then go to your son, but still this is through your set of glasses and your mindset, and this matters too. What do you think, even from your wisest place now, what is legitimate? Like what is a concern? What is a question you're carrying under the reaction to his low A, which on the surface seems absurd. But if you give yourself the credit of there really might be something I'm picking up on.

14:06I have a spidey sense about my kid that might be legitimate in terms of a concern about him. What's in that bucket? In that bucket, the concern is that he is not doing it like he's not asking questions. He's not reading the instructions. I feel like it doesn't matter what I say. He's just kind of going to rush through it because he doesn't like it. and so that's the I'm like you know the things that he likes I feel like he'll sit with and stick with but because it's like I just don't even like this I'm just not gonna try and that is my concern and is there a bigger question there because I think there must be like is this the kind of kid where when he gets to something on life that he doesn't like yep or is just something that requires some tedious effort.

15:02Yes. That he just kind of has a, not me. I don't need, I don't, I don't need to do that. Is there an entitlement fear? There's that too of like, what will happen to me? You know, it's like, because of this life I've set up, what will happen if I just don't do, you know, if I don't do the things that I don't want to do, I'll just be living with mom forever. And you know, that's where I'm going. Like, right. He's just right. And that, that goes back to your bucket too. I'm thinking what would have happened if you didn't do all the things that you did to have the success you had? What was your alternative?

15:35Was it cushy? No. I mean, a lot of my motivation was I wanted to not be where I was. So a lot of the things that I did, I had convinced myself that if I am the best at everything I do, I can change my situation. I can have something bigger. I can have more. I can do more things. Yeah. And he doesn't have that.

16:07There's a very specific moment in the day a lot of parents hit, usually in the afternoon where you're still going, but everything feels harder than it should. You're answering questions, making decisions, trying to stay patient, and suddenly simple things feel complicated. Like, why does choosing a snack suddenly feel like a high stakes decision? And most of us, me included, have the tendency to just push through it, power through. But I've started to pay more attention to those in-between moments and how something as basic as hydration can actually help. And that's what I like about Elements' sparkling electrolyte drinks.

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18:21I just, I was really struck by the simplicity of what you said. I don't want to be here. I want to end up somewhere different from here. And I just think, I'm thinking about this too with my kids. And none of us have to panic about this, but where does motivation come from for a kid if the fallback is, oh, I'd be pretty happy to be here. Like I'd be pretty, yeah, that'll be, that already is my ceiling. So like your reality wasn't your ceiling. Like your ceiling was the one that you saw for yourself was very different. Right. And there was an amount of discomfort in your reality. So not just like this is a good life, but this is a comfortable life.

19:04Right. Right. Yeah. Emotionally comfortable now. Yes. Physically comfortable. Visually comfortable. Yes. Right. Yes. Yes. And so that's I'm just like, is this going to be a kid that just doesn't do things they don't feel like doing? Yeah. And what happens if you do that? So, OK, so if we take it away from the low A, because, again, that's not really what we're talking about, because I think there is something there that we can honor. Like there are these moments with our kids where we say you have natural ability at something. Yep. I now know that's almost more something that could hamstring you than help you long term.

19:38because it, if I think about ability and effort, like if you have high ability when you're young, you're, that can, that can take you far. So you're behind, maybe you're just behind on your effort muscle. Like the slope of that curve is legitimately slower than other kids. And maybe still in your son's grade, the ability shines, but we know there's this like, oh, tipping moment, right? Ability like gets you here and effort can take you so far. So I think the most generous interpretation of your concern about the low A, but I think it might be the truest one, is you're noticing something where you're concerned about the slope of his effort curve.

20:16Yes. Right? And you know, unlike him, because you're an adult, how that plays out all the next number of decades. I think that's really legitimate and is separate from our childhood stuff. So I just think, right? And now I think the question is, well, how do I intervene from that place? Yes. Not from my stuff. Right. Exactly. Right. Do you think the right time to intervene is right after you get the report card? I can say no. No, because of how charged up I am about it. I'm not able to, I'm still not able to get there yet because I need a minute to take myself out of the story. You know, I need a minute to, you know, I'm going down there, you know, nobody did this for me.

21:07You know, I spent all this money. You know, I need a minute to just like journal. Yeah. Right. You need to journal first. I think that's right. Yeah. And the other reason why I think it's powerful for parents to know maybe the moment isn't the best one, because if it really is about this deeper theme of effort, it's not even really about the grade or the English paper anyway. Okay. And I also think a good check in terms of talking to my kid about it is if I say, is this beyond the bonus math problem? So, okay, let me pause. Is this really about effort and taking on a challenge and doing things that are the extra mile?

21:44Actually, no. Like my kid does that in all these other moments. Then I might actually say, you know what, this is just a journaling. Okay. This is just a journaling moment. This really is just about the bonus problem. Okay. That actually is really helpful to do as a parent. Is this one moment that's triggering a big story? Or is this moment kind of emblematic of so many other types of things where on the surface they all look different, but actually the underlying story is the same? Right? Because then I think I want to find my kid in a calm moment, not related to the report card. And I don't think there's a problem referencing.

22:23And I might say, look, like I was thinking about this after your report card. And as you know, in our family, like one of the things that matters so much isn't the grade you get. It's actually the process of getting there. Like I can see a day where I am so proud of you. in a subject where you get a lower grade than another subject where you get a higher grade. Because I've watched you study. I've watched you meet with the teacher after school. I've watched you learn with me how to make flashcards, which, and that was so cool. And you kept saying, this is the hardest subject. And I said, I know we're going to get through it together and you get the worst grade you ever get.

23:00And I say to you, this was the biggest win all year. That is the kind of family we are. And the reason I'm saying that to you is because I've noticed there's a bunch of things that are happening. I seem really different from that. And interestingly, this is such a good age for us to talk about it because you're young, I'm always on your team. Right. And now all of a sudden, instead of just talking about the moment, I'm actually talking about this bigger theme and honestly, like family value almost. Yes. Right. Yeah. And we can even amend this for different ages. Someone's like, I don't know if I could say all that to my kid, but sometimes I think it's is helpful to think about the vibe.

23:38Yes. Right. Which is very different than the ones that come more naturally to both of us. Right. Yeah. As you were saying that, I'm just like, wow, yes, that is that is true, because even it's not about the grade, really. It's that I want to be sure that you're trying. And this is true. You know what I mean? I mean, I looked at it and I'm like, this is difficult. Yeah. But just like you said, the process of at least giving it a go. That's right. You don't do well. And you did give it your all, which we did have. We had a situation with this particular subject because because the great just went all the way down.

24:19Yeah. And I was like, all right, we're here now. Yeah. And I think it was low enough for him to say, OK, I need to to get in this. If you said to him, what do you think is going on here? What do you say?

24:38I don't, if I, I'm first, I'm laughing because I'm like, that's such a good question. Why, why does that, why, why don't I ever think of that? Um, and I'm going to answer that. It's easy for me. Do you know why I don't think about that in my own moment? This is actually really true because I am in my own bucket. I'm just in my own bucket, in my own bucket. I'm not even thinking about my kid. That's the point. And when someone's like, why don't you just ask them what's going on? You're like, I've never thought about that because here's the bucket of what my kid is and here's mine. And I didn't even realize I'm drowning in my own bucket.