Exclusive Peek: A Good Inside Members' Q&A

22:55I want that for your kids. I want that for my kids because the stakes only get higher. Number one, we could call this bullying. We cannot call it bullying, right? But zooming out, something happens where my kid is uncomfortable and there's a hard peer moment. Hard peer moments and being uncomfortable in social situations and someone saying something that has the potential to make you feel bad about yourself. I don't know. Like, I just feel like these are part of life and not because the world is so awful. They just, it just happens. Yeah, it doesn't go away. That's like a part of life. It just keeps happening as an adult.

23:28It looks different as an adult, but we all experience it. And I love that you said that. It looks different as an adult, but the circuitry is the same and it feels the same, right? And so these moments, like when I hear about these moments happening in a family, I do get like a little bit of this like, oh, like, I hope every parent has this moment. Like I wish for parents to have this moment, not because I wish bad things for their children, but because what an amazing opportunity we have. If you're long-term greedy in your mindset, which again, nobody who starts at Good Inside is immediately like, sure, that's how I am.

24:05But again, when we build that mindset, these moments happen. And instead of thinking like, oh no, we're like, oh yes, like I am built for this. It's like the pilot who's ready for turbulence and then feels like a million bucks after because they know they handled it well. And so this is one of those moments. Okay. So then what I think about first is just stay with your kid. And I think about that literally emotionally. I know for me, I do have the urge to either run away, make it better. I'm running away from my kid emotionally. Go attack the other kid. I'm moving away from my kid as the protagonist to the other kid as the protagonist.

24:42Or like get up and call the school right away or the parent. And again, now I've literally like left my child alone on the bench or on the couch, wherever they are. And so I just think that's powerful. Stay with my kid. It's such a simple term and accomplishes so much. And we all think in a rigid way, naturally. So it's like, oh, so I shouldn't call the school. I'm not even saying that. There are situations where we should call the school. But as step one, my kid is saying, I had a difficult emotional experience. And I just want you to hear and keep it in the back in your head. Stay with my kid.

25:14And if you're like, but what does that sound like? It might sound like nothing. It might sound like this. For the first five seconds. I think one line that everyone knows I love. Do you know what I'm going to say? I do. Okay, you do it then. I'm so glad you shared that with me. Yes. Which is kind of like a verbal way of staying with my kid. It also allows you as a parent to take a breath if you're unsure of what you want to say next. Like anything that buys you time as a parent. it's like I remember once my kid did ask me about like a really tricky thing they heard on the bus and I was with a friend like getting our kids off the bus and I was like that's a great question and you deserve a great answer I'm gonna get back to you and my friend was like that was brilliant I was like oh I'm sorry that is my by myself time like I'm glad that looked good I was like oh my goodness and then I did get back right but okay stay with my kids step one it's such a good line to just it works for like your partner for work for anyone I'm so glad you shared that with me I'm so glad you told me.

26:14Even simply, any version of that just says to your kid, this thing that felt overwhelming to you does not feel overwhelming to me. Because if I instead go to call the school right away, what I'm kind of saying is this thing that feels overwhelming to you also feels so overwhelming to me that I have to make it go away right away. So scary. I don't think you can cope. I'm telling you, I can't cope. We can't be in this moment together. Being in a moment together is 99 % of coping. Because when we're in hard moments with our kids, which doesn't mean literally being at the playground, right? But when they share it, our kid will encode their hard moment next to our body and support, right?

26:57And I know one of the other things we say a lot of good inside is you can't change the hard. You can change the alone. And the irony is the thing that makes the hard so hard is the alone. Right. Right? So as soon as I'm just infusing my presence, I am doing something so deep in my child's body where the next time someone says, you can't play with us or you're the worst kid at math, whatever it is, my kid will have kind of me next to them looking a little less scared of the moment than they are, which changes the moment even the next time. It's like future-proofing your kid. Okay. So another future-proofing thing.

27:30I think one of the things we get wrong, and again, we all do it. I do it too. Okay. about bullying is that we have to teach our kid what to say back. But again, if you think about a story, what I'm really doing is my kid's saying, Bobby said something mean. And I'm like, let's make Bobby the focus of the story and the main character. And it's all about having a zinger back to Bobby. Now, I love a zinger. You know me well. I really love a zinger. Okay. And there's a time and a place to teach our kids zingers. But it's a very confusing message. So I feel bad. And now the way I feel good is telling my bully something awful back to them.

28:05Like, all of a sudden, my self-worth is defined by if I can hurt the other person. Like, it sends the wrong message. It's actually very fragile to that kid. I think the powerful intervention here, more than anything else, is when our kids hear mean words about themselves, is teaching your kid what to say to themselves. It's huge. Huge. And you can even say this to your kid in kind of a fun way. Hey, I'm going to teach you something that a lot of adults don't even know. But you're a really smart kid, so I think you're going to get it. When you're in a situation where someone says something mean to you, most people, even people my age, my ancient dinosaur age, think that it's about what you say back to them.

28:50It's not. Which is also so relieving. Now as a kid, I'm not like, good, well, I'm glad that in the moment I feel shitty about myself. I don't have to think of something smart to say because that's kind of impossible anyway. You can say it's all about what you say to yourself. Because honestly, if you think about it, you are feeling okay about yourself. Bobby said this thing. And it's like it got into you. And it's like, oh, let's think about how you can regain your self-worth. And then you can teach your kid to say, I don't have to believe what other people say about me. I know who I am. Or maybe your kid is a bad runner.

29:23And there's something powerful in saying, I can be bad at running and still be a fun, awesome kid. Again, your kid's not going to say to you, I needed that. That is so profound. You've just taught me a life skill. No, they're going to go like this in response. It's weird. That's weird. Don't take the bait. They can think it's weird. I promise you it's powerful. And then the next part after that is, is this a situation where I say something? It may and it may not be. You know yourself. You know your family. There are so many situations. And it might be this where I might say, I'm not going to escalate this.

29:56Let me wait. I think waiting is an underutilized strategy. Or it might be saying something. And if you do say something to me, it could be a text. It could be a call. Again, I think a parent kind of can feel that out. But I think the words can still be same team. Hey, I want to let you know something that happened on the playground. The truth is I only have my kid's side of the story. There probably is more. But I know we both have good kids. And I just thought you might want to know. And I'm also totally open to hearing more about the situation, you know, as you discover it. And so again, it's like me and a parent, we both want to raise good kids.

30:32We both want kids to get along. I'm going to go in with that assumption rather than going in with like, I've got to get back at this parent or I've got to make this parent or the other kid the enemy right away. I love the generosity. And I can just say as a parent myself, like I would be open to receiving a text like that as opposed to a different text, which may not feel so good. So I like that same team approach. And I like waiting, which is really hard sometimes. Really hard. And I think going back to the waiting, this is just something I think about in general. Waiting to send the text. Waiting to discipline my kid.

31:02Like, I don't have to do all of my parenting in this moment. I actually think waiting is an act of self-trust. Because what you're saying to yourself is, I trust myself as a parent more than I have to prove something to myself or to anyone in this moment. And waiting really does build your self-trust. And it might feel different the next day. Your kid might be like, I had a great day with Bobby. And you're like, oh, okay. I have had that experience. Right? Yes. Yeah. Waiting is underutilized. I love that.

31:35One thing I notice with parents all the time, and honestly with myself too, is how often we all just feel depleted. I mean, parenting asks a lot of us. We're making decisions all day, navigating big feelings and keeping everything moving. It's draining. I want to tell you something I do that both helps me stay hydrated, but honestly also feels like a form of self-care. I always have an Element drink mix in my bag. Instead of just carrying snacks for my kids, I go to this when it's 3 p.m., 4 p.m., 8 a.m. and I'm tired and it's something for me that helps me feel taken care of and honestly makes me feel better.

32:11Element is a zero-sugar electrolyte drink mix that helps support hydration without the sugar and artificial ingredients you'll find in so many sports drinks. It is truly part of my daily routine and it makes a difference. If you want to try it, Element is offering a free eight-count sample pack of their most popular flavors with any purchase. Just go to drinkelement.com slash good inside. I'm not putting on sunscreen. You can't make me. Look, I get it. Your kid won't listen when you tell them SPF matters. That's why I'm excited to partner with Pipette to show how to use their sunscreen line to turn mom no into a moment of connection.

32:49Put yourself in your kid's shoes for a minute. Imagine you're excited to go outside. And right before you walk out the door, someone starts putting their hands all over you. You wouldn't like it either. So here's the secret. Get your kid to participate. I'd start by telling my kid what's coming. All right, we're going to put on sunscreen in a minute. Here's the order. Shoulders, arms, legs, face last. All right, here we go. You can also ask your kid which sunscreen they'd like to use. I love that Pipette offers mineral spray, lotion, and stick sunscreen. and it's made with squalane, which helps keep skin moisturized so it doesn't have that dry, chalky feeling that kids often push back on.

33:27I'll even ask my kids to put sunscreen on me. Here's the reframe. Sunscreen doesn't have to be a power struggle. It's a chance for your kid to have some agency. You can get 15 % off Pipette's full line of SPF products with the code GOODINSIDESPF at pipettebaby.com.

33:50Our almost six-year-old has started hitting us, mostly when we set limits around his baby sister, who is 11 months old. It seems to get worse after she was born and he started kindergarten, so a lot of big changes all at once. We're trying to help him through it, but the hitting is getting really hard to deal with. I feel like at age six, this should no longer be happening. It's so frustrating, and I just want it to stop. Any ideas on how to handle the hitting in a way that actually works? Great question. And I just want to empathize with the, like, is this still happening? It's frustrating. It's, like, my kid's still learning.

34:28Like, I have a teenager now. Like, why is this still happening, right? And the thing that helps me recover from that a little bit, I don't know, is I just picture my husband being like, you're in your 40s. Like, don't you know not to be on your phone before bed? I'd have some choice words. Yeah. Would it feel so good? Yeah. I'd never be like, you know what? That is true. I appreciate that. That's useful. No. Right. And I think the other thing I realize and to me, this is makes it really concrete is I picture a parent saying like my kid still doesn't know how to swim in their 10. When will they learn how to swim?

35:02I just haven't learned yet. I haven't learned. And like, I think we've been fed a false narrative that age brings skills. Age never brings skills, right? It's what we do as we age. Certainly as we age, we have more time to build skills. That is true. But when you turn 18, nobody gifts you swimming, right? And when you turn six, nobody says, now you know how to manage your frustration. I know this can feel deflating, but to me, this is actually very empowering as a parent because now I'm not waiting for something to happen. I find that very disempowering. Like, I'm just like, hope everything changes or I'm going to put this in my six-year-old's And when I learn, wait, as a parent, I'm a coach.

35:45Nobody told me that. Good Inside Now is telling me that. We will tell the world that if you help us spread that because can't have this movement without a lot of movement makers. That's right. But if we are our kid's coach, we are actually their coach for the most important skill there is. Emotion regulation, which is your ability to regulate your emotions. Now, this is the trickiest skill because when our kid is in a pool, we can see they have strokes that relates to swimming. This is like the really confusing thing. I'm always figuring out a way to try to figure out a way to articulate this.

36:19When our kids don't have emotion regulation skills, the way that shows is bad behavior. It's like a mind game. The bad behavior isn't a sign of a behavior problem. it's a sign of a lack of emotion regulation skills problem. So you have to like have glasses that almost make you see like there's the behavior underneath is actually the skill. Yeah. Right? It could be a mismatch. It's confusing. Yeah. It does require more like cognitive work because what you see isn't what you get. Exactly. Right? Exactly. That's really like what it is. So, okay. So the behavior is hitting. We're in agreement with the parent.

37:02No bueno. No, like not good. Not good. Not good. And it's okay to be frustrated. I get it. 100%. Like I don't want hitting. You don't want hitting. I think people like might think I see my kid hitting and I'm like, so beautiful. Let it out. I love it. No. No one wants their kid to hit. And at the same time, hitting is a very developmentally appropriate way of kids kind of saying, I have anger. Or I have jealousy. Or I have frustration. Or, and this is important. And in our book, That's My Truck, which is the Good Inside New Children's book about hitting. I think one of my favorite parts of that book, which actually would be really good for this situation to read because you can see it in a story, is showing the parent and the kid before the moment of hitting.

37:42Not only was there anger, but there probably was also worry. Yeah. There's always more vulnerable emotions. Worry. Sadness. Confusion. They bubble up. They come out in a hit. Okay. Okay, in general, when our kid has bad behavior, step one is saying, okay, can I have my good inside glasses on? Can I even, not no, because we don't know, can I wonder? That's really important. I actually want people to write that down. My kid has bad behavior. I'm not going to know what this is about. Can I just wonder what it's about? Or can I wonder what was happening before? Or can I wonder about the dynamics in our house that might be at play?

38:23I have a baby who's 11 months. That is not true. I do not. I'm just getting into the role play. Okay, you did not miss any breaking news. I have a baby who's 11 months. What might be happening then? More movement. They're becoming more of a person. I always think with that older kid, every month you should have a little meeting with your older kid where you're previewing the next stage. What's it gonna be like when your sister starts being able to crawl? What if you build that block tower and now instead of it being up, your sister like crawls over and knocks it down? Oh, that would be so annoying.

38:56What is it going to be like when your sister's about to walk? Because that's about to happen. Do you think everyone around us is going to be like, oh my goodness, Selena's walking. Amazing. And you're going to be like, I've been walking for years. It's like a little annoying. People care about that. Like just that can speak to the feeling of jealousy, of confusion, of not being special. Speaking to a dynamic that might be happening, I think is one of our best strategies. to reduce the behavior when the behavior again is just a sign that those feelings were too big to manage so so that's step one i think in general any behavior in a calm moment not in the moment in a calm moment can i speak to about kind of can i speak to a dynamic that might be happening so that comes to mind here step two if i know my kid hits and they're in a hitting stage we have to move from why are they hitting?

39:53When will they stop? To how can I get ahead of it and stop it before it happens? Because as soon as my kid hits, it's like, now they're hitting. Now they feel like a bad kid. Now I'm frustrated. It's like, oh, the whole thing happened, right? Again, and this is going to sound extreme, but if I said my kid has a problem running into the street of New York City, I can't imagine if I was saying to you, so Jamie, after he runs into the street, what should I do? Like, what would you say to me? That's crazy. You have to intervene much earlier than that. You can't let him walk on his own. Right, like, why are you letting him walk into the street?

40:24And I'd be like, that is the question. Right? Okay, why am I letting my kid get to the point where they're smacking me? Now, there is more kung fu, like, ninja orientation than we need as a parent than people tell us in the hospital. Like, when my kids were hitting stage and I knew it was about to happen, like, you should have seen me. I was, like, talking to my kid and I was, like, getting ready. Because I wanted, when the hit came, to stop it. anytime we can stop it from connecting we are helping our kid 10x versus whatever we would do after and then you just move from we don't hit stop hitting to i'm not going to let you hit you're a good kid this is a hard time let's figure out another way and so i would think about that in general can i speak to the dynamic can i even just wonder about it you can even say that to it i wonder if it's hard to have a sister i wonder if it's hard to leave the house i wonder if it's hard to hold it all together during school and then it kind of all comes out when I pick you up.

41:23You don't have to be right, just wonder. And then how can I get ahead of the behavior and try to stop it before it happens? Awesome. So, so impactful.

41:38We have one more question from our community members and then we'll move into the live question portion. Okay. So this is in regards to anxiety and lying and it's a bit of an older kid, age 10. So my 10 year old lies about small things like saying she brushed her teeth when she clearly didn't, telling me she finished her homework when I know it's sitting in her backpack. I get the sense she's trying to avoid getting in trouble, but when I try to talk to her about it she gets super defensive or she'll shut down. Then I end up feeling frustrated and kind of disrespected. It's hard to stay calm when it feels like why can't you just tell me the truth about the simple stuff.

42:15It also makes me really nervous for when she's older. Like, if she's lying about brushing her teeth, what's she going to do at 17? How can I respond in a way that actually helps her be more honest without turning it into a battle? This is such a good question for kids of every age. So whether, you know, you have a two-year-old, a 10-year-old, a 28-year-old, this is so relevant. So, okay, let's start with an adult example. Okay. So you say to me, you know, you're my partner. Like, did you get toilet paper? You know, you said you were going to pick up toilet paper. And I'm like, yeah, uh-huh. Need to run out.

42:53Take a little walk around the block. Yeah, totally got it. Okay. Why am I doing that, you think, in that moment? Because you likely didn't get the toilet paper. And maybe you are scared to tell the truth. Yeah. You know, I think often how we interpret our kids lying to us as a sign of how they feel about us. Yeah. Can you say that again? Like when our kids lie to our face, I think the most natural interpretation is to think about that being a result of how our kid feels about us. My kid doesn't respect me. Or even my kid doesn't want to tell me the truth. Okay, again, I think about if I lied to my husband, and then my husband goes, you definitely didn't get the toilet paper.

43:41You don't respect me. I would just be like, that is like a creepy thing to say. Because they're not related at all. Like, what? Why are you making this about respecting you? Like, it just, that's global, right? And like, just also more about you. I actually think when a kid lies, it really just tells us how they feel about themselves in that moment. I think that's a huge shift. thinking about lying as how they feel about us versus thinking about lying about how they feel about themselves. I just want to like pause because if we all think about a lie that our kid has told us, I brush my teeth. What if I'm really confronting my kid just wishes they brush their teeth because they hate brushing their teeth.

44:22And let's be honest, it is annoying. And like, they just so wish they'd already gotten it done that they don't want to face the truth in that moment. It's such a good reframe. Right? Like it's how they feel about themselves. That's number one. Now let's say I was always late to work. Okay. Cause then we'll get into how to handle it. I was always late to work and you know, my boss came into my office, my manager, and they're like, you were late again today. And I was like, no, I wasn't. You know, meanwhile, like they, they watch me come in 15 minutes late. Cause that's what it's like. But I just looked at your homework and the math isn't done.

44:55And they're like, no, it's done. And you're like, Like, it feels crazy making, okay? Now let's think about a couple things my boss could say to me. Because I think even our well-intentioned intervention, you'll hear it. So I come in late. My boss is like, you've been late the whole week. I'm like, no, I haven't. They've watched me come in late. And they're like, I just watched you come in late. I really do feel like I'm just sinking deeper into my hole, right? Or they say, just tell me why you're being late and I'll help you. Okay, now I'm going to try something very different. You know, I don't know if I ever told you this.

45:29Like, there was like a month here even before you started. I just like could not get to meetings sometime. I don't know if I ever told you that. Does that feel different? I feel like my shoulders went down a little bit. Right? Like, let's talk that out. Why? And I'm like working through this in my head. What feels so different about those two things? Even if my boss was like, just tell me why you're being late and we'll figure it out. I feel more validated. I feel like you get it. You see me. you understand the struggle and it doesn't feel as direct to me. I think that there's something, and we talk about this with deeply feeling kids a lot, right?

46:03And in some ways, and I love everything we do for deeply feeling kids, but sometimes I worry we do like a little disservice that like parents of deeply feeling kids is like, that's the only thing that's going to help. And parents who don't see all those dynamics are like, I don't need to kind of listen to that program. To me, deeply feeling kids, that whole idea has so much to do with how we understand shame. And one of the things when there's shame is we just can't go in someone's front door. Even saying, you're late, let's talk about it. It's like, oh, it's very direct. It's like, you're late in the house and I'm trying to open your front door.

46:32And there's just like a natural bristle response. Tell me why you're being late. Again, you're like calling out that I'm late. I can't deal with that right now. And they already know. They already know. And so we talk a lot about with deeply feeling kids, this idea of side door strategies, right? Which is like, okay, my kid is late or my kid didn't do their homework. I need to find a side door to like enter their house. And I think in a side door way, we go around the shame. And there is nothing that's as effective in those moments as telling a story about yourself. Because what you're doing is without saying it directly, because again, it would be too front door to say, I've been late too.

47:12It's just like, what you're saying is this thing that you're going through, you're not the only one. But saying that is too direct. You're not such a bad person after all. Too direct. When I kind of say just through a story, through an arc, I've been there too. But you have to do it through a story, not directly. Shame goes down. Because what is shame? It's the fear of disconnection. It's kind of the fear of this version of me is not connectable and lovable to other people. And we only feel like that because we feel like we're the only one. As soon as you hear, I was fired from my job, and you hear someone say, I was fired from my job, you're like, why do I feel better?

47:51I actually don't wish firing on you, but now I just know I can't be so bad, and this isn't so unrecoverable because you've been there too. So let's get back to the lying. There's stuff we can do in the moment. There's so many things we do outside the moment that make those moments less frequent. In the moment when a kid's lying to your face, don't ask them a question. And don't ask your kid a question that you know the answer to. Did you do your math homework? You're like, I already know you didn't do your math homework. It's like a setup that you're catching your kid being bad. First of all, you can avoid being lied to by just telling your kid, I see you didn't do your math homework.

48:27All good. Let's figure it out and we'll get through this together. You don't even get in the situation where you have to get out of a lie. Now, if there is a lie, one of the things you can just say in the moment is just, you know what? One second. Something about this moment doesn't feel good. Let's talk about it later. You actually have to pause when there's shame and give a little bit of time. And then I think one of the most powerful things you can do for your kid in terms of a story is let's say it's about always lying about brushing your teeth. In a calm moment, not even at night, I would just say, do you know that I hated brushing my teeth as a kid?

48:59Or it doesn't have to be even so direct. Do you know that I hated clearing the table as a kid? And my parent would always say, did you clear the table? And I say, yep, cleared the table. and then they do this thing where they'd say but your plate is right there and i'd say oh that's not my plate even if i was the only kiddo i would why do you think i did that and again your kid isn't going to say to you i think you did that because you felt ashamed and you didn't want to get caught in the lie and that's why i lie about tooth brushing no you're going to say why do you think i did that and your kid's going to say i don't know can i have pretzels don't doubt the power of the question and of that story to decrease lying in the future beautiful so so helpful Okay, we are going to take some live questions from the chat.

49:43Thank you so much. And we are going to start right here. And this one was very popular, Dr. Becky.

49:56Okay, it's going back to the bullying. So what should you do when your kid is the bully? Okay, so I almost said this when we were talking about bullying, and I only didn't because Jamie told me I've got to be like, I've got to get through questions and she knows my tendency to go on. Okay. I have lots of cover. Literally six, seven days ago, I got a text from one of my friends. Okay. Okay. I was like, hey, and then told me something my son said to her daughter on the bus. That was, I mean, it was a whole range of things. That was really not nice. I think number one, I actually haven't thought about this until just now.

50:34what do we say when our kid is the bully? What do we do when our kid is facing a bully? Like that label is so intense and it doesn't mean bad stuff isn't happening. But as soon, if I think about my kid as my kid is a bully, I can tell you what I would have done. I just would have like taken away everything in his room. I would have like made him sleep on the street. I don't know. Like it's so triggering. It just assumes the worst in your kid. And it's a very definitive label. Yeah. And it doesn't feel good. Yeah. Anytime you lock your kid into a label, even if it's a good one. Yeah. My kid is the nice kid.

51:09Okay. Well, sometimes your kid should stand up for themselves and not worry about being nice. My kid is the smart kid. Well, what a great way to make sure your kid doesn't take on challenges because now they have to always be right. And so I just think, let's say we don't have to make any kid a bully. And I think people confuse. Okay. So, okay, Dr. Becky, you'd say it's a good kid having a hard time. First of all, your kid could be playing with another kid who is a good kid having a hard time, and you could still help your kid not play with that kid. It doesn't mean you have to take on the responsibility to be like, now this is a good kid having a hard time.

51:39No, this could be a good kid having a hard time, and my kid can learn to play with other children on the playground. And I can say to myself, I don't have a bully. That's not useful to me as a parent, and it's also really locking my kid into an identity for the rest of their life. So if you want your kid to be kinder and to learn how to access generosity and patience the first thing you should do is say, I'm not using that word. Not only to them, I'm not using it with other parents. I'm not using it with my partner. Why is my kid such a bully? Nope. I'm not even locking myself into that. Number two, and this is almost always number two after we have a mindset that's helpful, is we have to activate curiosity.

52:18What? And it's actually interesting. It's just what we were saying before. I need to wonder what was going on for my kid on the bus that led him to say these things. And again, we confuse something so often. Being curious about bad behavior does not mean I am approving of bad behavior. You're not condoning it by lending curiosity. And I think this is actually arguably the hardest kind of unconscious thought to break. And I do think we could think about, again, sports is helpful. Like if my kid is always missing layups after five years of always making layups. And I just start saying, I wonder what's leading them to miss layups.

53:00Is it their form? Is it honestly that they are so in their head? Is it that they're just hitting it too hard off the backboard? And if I was saying this to another parent and they said to me on the benches, oh, so it's okay that Bobby's missing layups. Like, that's okay. You know, if you want Bobby to make layups, you should just take away his dessert at night. I'd be like, that's bananas. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't even make sense. I'd be like, you're just establishing yourself as someone I don't want to be friends with. I'm glad we got to that now. Like, that just is nonsensical. So I actually want everyone to, like, write this down.

53:30Curiosity does not mean approval. Curiosity allows you to understand. Understanding also does not mean approval. In fact, the only way we can improve behavior is by understanding it because, again, behavior isn't the problem. It's a symptom of whatever the problem is. And so, again, because problems manifest as behavior, but problems are actually about emotions, we have to be curious and understand to get to the source, right? It's kind of like, again, the leak in the ceiling is not our problem. It's that the pipe is bursting, right? So we have to be curious. So I was thinking, this is some work we have to do on our own.

54:16And everyone knows their kid the best. So if I think about my kid where this really happened last week, first of all, this event happened on a day my daughter wasn't on the bus with him. And I just know he's a little more contained. They talk to each other. Okay, so what do I know about my kid, this kid? He likes to be the center of attention. You know what kid I'm talking about. He gets a lot of positive affirmation from people. He's a leader. I picture him on the bus, and I think this happens a lot on the bus. And it is why so many kids hate sitting on the inside. they hate it because when you're on the inside when you're on the bus it's like am i invisible does anyone notice me do i matter and if you have a kid who has gotten a lot of feedback that they matter and they're visible by being a larger than life presence then their way of getting visibility and feeling importance on the bus might be to escalate and say some mean things why did you say that?

55:18Why are you saying that? Now it doesn't feel good, but it's like, oh, here I am. I have everyone's attention. Now, what is the real issue here? I can tell you in this situation with my son, the real issue isn't just saying the words. The real issue, long-term greediness, is my son has to learn that he is a good, valuable person, even when he's not the center of attention. That might come out as a behavior, as mean words now, but that will play out in all types of other toxic ways when he's older. And so everyone's is different. Again, for someone else, they might say, that is so not my kid. Maybe my kid really prides themselves on their athletic abilities.

55:58So when they're told you're not the best soccer player in the grade, oh, okay. So actually the dynamic there that I can wonder about more big picture than this moment again is, oh, I have to work on helping my kid know that their soccer talent is a part of them and not all of them. And then honestly, the interventions are going to look a little bit different based on those wondering. Again, I have to plug the ask because if you go to the ask or go to the parent session and say, okay, my kid bullied, but this is not a one size fits all approach. Here's what I know about my kid. They pride themselves in their soccer skills.

56:33They like to be the center of attention. Okay. You can just say that and then the response is going to be tailored to your kid. This is why it's not one thing. So for my kid, what did I do? The first thing I did was tell my kid. I talked to a person's name, Mom. I heard about what happened on the bus. And this is a helpful phrase. I just want to say, you're not in trouble. I'm on your team. We are going to figure this out. You have to say that to your kid. Why are they in trouble? They are giving you data about something long-term they need to work on. Again, I'm not throwing my kid a party. but this is what I'm made for.

57:10And if you feel like you're not made for that, that's why you're here. And again, I hope you give yourself more time. You are made for this as well. We just all have to learn the skills to get there. My best parenting moment with my son was this first conversation and the things that have happened after. This is what we're built for, impact, long-term stuff, right? So we talked about being without his sister. He was even able to say to me, I can be a little out of control when she's not there, right? And he even shared with me, which was amazing, more things he said than were even reported to me.

57:45I said, okay, so here's what we're going to plan for. We kind of visualized the bus. We even talked about how he likes making football plays. He loved that. The next day, I made sure to pack the football play book. We talked about a kid on the bus. I said, does any kid on your bus look like this on the bus? Just reading my little book. Pretty quiet. And he named the girl. Okay. There was a girl on his bus. I said, okay, let's call that girl, I don't know, Jamie. I was like, we all have a Jamie in us. I bet she has you in her too. So what would it look like, show me with your body, to be Jamie on the bus?

58:19He's like, well, I guess I'd get out my football book. I open it up. What would you have to say to yourself in that moment to get over the fact that nobody's noticing you? What could you know is going to happen when you get home? Now, look, I know you're like, this is a lot of steps. But this is the stuff. This is what a coach does. Why aren't you making the layup? Let's figure it out. Let's think about what you're saying to yourself. Let's think about first where to put it on the backboard. And then does it mean the next day he's never going to say something? I don't know. We also talked about repairing.

58:49But I think the key thing is I don't have a bully. I can figure this out. And if I can't figure it out, that doesn't mean I should just do the thing that feels most natural, yell at my kid and punish him, only reinforces he's a bad kid. you all have invested in something that I hope you keep with you for your whole parenting journey knowing I don't have to spiral. There are so many things I can do to actually make this my best parenting moment, not my worst. Amazing. I am sure that is going to resonate with so many people. And that really happened. I hope the parent who this happened with might be on this call now and she'd be like, this really did happen last week.

59:24Becky and I texted about it.

59:29one thing i notice with parents all the time and honestly with myself too is how often we all just feel depleted i mean parenting asks a lot of us we're making decisions all day navigating big feelings and keeping everything moving it's draining i want to tell you something i do that both helps me stay hydrated but honestly also feels like a form of self-care i always have an Element drink mix in my bag. Instead of just carrying snacks for my kids, I go to this when it's 3 p.m., 4 p.m., 8 a.m. and I'm tired and it's something for me that helps me feel taken care of and honestly makes me feel better.

1:00:05Element is a zero-sugar electrolyte drink mix that helps support hydration without the sugar and artificial ingredients you'll find in so many sports drinks. It is truly part of my daily routine and it makes a difference. If you want to try it, Element is offering a free eight-count sample pack of their most popular flavors with any purchase. Just go to drinkelement.com slash goodinside. I'm not putting on sunscreen. You can't make me. Look, I get it. Your kid won't listen when you tell them SPF matters. That's why I'm excited to partner with Pipette to show how to use their sunscreen line to turn mom no into a moment of connection.

1:00:43Put yourself in your kid's shoes for a minute. Imagine you're excited to go outside And right before you walk out the door, someone starts putting their hands all over you. You wouldn't like it either. So here's the secret. Get your kid to participate. I'd start by telling my kid what's coming. All right, we're going to put on sunscreen in a minute. Here's the order. Shoulders, arms, legs, face last. All right, here we go. You can also ask your kid which sunscreen they'd like to use. I love that Pipette offers mineral spray, lotion, and stick sunscreen. and it's made with squalane, which helps keep skin moisturized so it doesn't have that dry, chalky feeling that kids often push back on.

1:01:21I'll even ask my kids to put sunscreen on me. Here's the reframe. Sunscreen doesn't have to be a power struggle. It's a chance for your kid to have some agency. You can get 15 % off Pipette's full line of SPF products with the code GOODINSIDESPF at pipettebaby.com.

1:01:44My daughter is six. She is a perfectionist and will speak negatively of herself if something doesn't come easily. When I try to be encouraging, it makes things worse. How can I help her? Great. So this actually, again, touches on so many things we've talked about. I love this idea. Blank is a part of me, not all of me, right? My desire to be the center of attention is a part of me not all of me my anger is a part of me not all of me even this my perfectionism is a part of me not all of me perfectionism when it's a part it can actually work for a lot of people there I mean sometimes one of my kids I'm like hello a little more perfectionism a little just a little you could do a little bit more in that homework you could try the bonus problem you could look it over it's helpful when it's a part what does it come from I want to work hard.

1:02:39I want to figure things out. When does it become toxic? If I'm not perfect, I'm nobody. If I can't get it right, I won't even try. But we have to zoom out and say, again, the problem isn't actually perfectionism. It's that this part has taken up too much space. The problem isn't the anger. I want my kid to be angry. It's just that my kid is anger without out skills. So the anger has taken up all of it. This mindset, again, you're not pre-programmed with this, right? This is what we're all learning and practicing. This mindset then almost would naturally lead into a slightly different intervention.

1:03:20Our parts, our kids' parts, our parts, they like to be acknowledged for their usefulness before we help loosen them. This is just true, right? Even I'm in bed. I don't want to go to the gym. If I say to myself, I appreciate that. Part of me is looking to get more rest and to give myself a break. That's really helpful. Thank you. And I promised myself I'd get there and I know I can do it even as this other part of me tells me to stay in bed. Beyond more effective than what's wrong with me? I'm so lazy. Because what you're kind of saying to that part of you who wants to rest is you don't matter.

1:03:58Guess what? When you tell someone they don't matter, they get louder. They're like, hello. It was like my son on the bus. Hello, I matter. So I'm going to do something in an escalated way. So how does this come here? First thing I would say to your kid, if they have some type of perfectionistic part, is I would just say to them in a calm moment, not when they're doing their math homework or trying to draw a perfect rainbow. You know what I would say to you enough? There's this part of you and seed that idea. You're preloading it, even by saying there's a part of you. You're kind of giving them this idea that it's a part of them, but not all of them.

1:04:31There's this part of you that wants to get things exactly right. And I know sometimes I say, loosen up, but that's probably a little annoying. And honestly, the part of you that wants to get things right and do things to their fullest, that's really cool. That's really cool. You really care and you really believe in yourself and you believe in your ability to figure it out. And I don't say this enough. I love that part of you. I feel like it just changes everything changes everything it's like every part of us needs acceptance before it shifts and same thing with your kids because then first of all your kids gonna look at you like that's a new thing to say and then you could say something different like and you know what else is so interesting that part of you that wants to get things exactly right it's amazing do you ever feel like sometimes it's like it's a little on overdrive it's like okay now instead of just wanting to get it right it's like if I don't get it right I'm stupid like those are different right and you can use your hands or use paper it's like I want to get it right amazing if I don't get it right I'm stupid like whoa whoa how did we get there that's kind of like me saying to you oh I've never made chicken parm and I really want to do it and get it right and then it's true the cheese is like a little more overcooked oh I'm the worst cook in the world I should never have done it I think you'd say to me no it was your first time or well you're still learning or whoa this is still better than not making it so interesting and then I think we have to do something that's hard wait that is your intervention for the day you're not then gonna say and then do this and then do this and then do this just giving your kid a different framework to understand themselves is the intervention and I think I see that at good insight all the time people who do like our sleep program always tell me I felt better in the first eight minutes.

1:06:25Same thing, definitely, the DFK program. Why? Nothing changed because you have a different way of understanding something and that brings such relief. Amazing. I think we have time for one more question. Okay. Rebecca, I think we can do it, okay? And then I'm going to make sure everyone at the end, I'm going to give you something to do that's going to consolidate things for you. So please stay till then.

1:06:49Deep down, there's a quiet, sometimes loud voice that tells me I'm not a good parent, that I'm messing up my kids, not doing enough. What can I say to myself in that moment? Any advice?

1:07:04I mean, this might be surprising, but I have that thought too. Me too. Yeah, of course. Yeah, like if you don't have that thought, I don't know, you might be a liar. Might just be a liar. I don't know. Like we all have that thought. And I honestly think like what I said about the perfectionism thing. I don't know if you, like I think about that same framework. We actually don't have to say to ourselves, that's not true. We don't have to like fight that thought. By the way, I think we often do the opposite is we just like make that thought. The truth. All of us. Let's think right now. I want everyone to come up with a name.

1:07:41Okay. And this is the name for the part of you that tells yourself you're a bad parent. You're a monster. You're not cut out for this. Like it could be any name and it should kind of make you laugh. Okay. I'm going to use the name Heather. What about you? I'm going to use something my kids taught me, which is Bertha. Bertha. Amazing. I'm going to use Bertha just because it's better. Okay. Okay. So that's Bertha. And what you can do when you make it a name, and this is so powerful, is you can use this phrase. Hi Bertha. Or Bertha, there you go again. or Bertha. Kind of getting a little repetitive.

1:08:19You always say the same things. Like I could have predicted that. There's a couple things that are happening beyond levity, which matters so much. As soon as you give it a name, you are making Bertha part of you and not all of you. Because I know my name's not Bertha. Is your name Bertha? I don't think so. Okay, I don't think so. So now there's Jamie and there's Bertha. Now there's Becky and there's Heather. Okay, this framework changes it. The only reason those thoughts spiral us for an entire week is because the thought becomes us. As soon as a thought is part of us, not all of us, we have the framework and the grounding to shift.

1:08:56So making it a name immediately tricks your brain into knowing it's a part of you. So I want you to actually even write down what is the name. Should we all use Bertha? What if everyone at Good Inside, like it becomes code, okay? And if your real name is Bertha, just let us know. We'll change it, okay? Okay. Bertha, and I want you to practice saying to yourself just the two words. Hi, Bertha. Just that. Hi, Bertha. And Bertha isn't an enemy. Bertha probably comes from a perfection part of us where she had to learn. If I don't do it perfectly, I'm awful. If I don't get it right all the time, I've messed everything up.

1:09:37I think the most cycle-breaking thing we do is repair and see that one moment doesn't define us. But that's a Becky thought, and that's a Jamie thought. That is not a Bertha thought. Bertha is in the dark ages still where she thinks, I have to get it right all the time, and that's how I become a perfect parent. Jamie knows, and Becky knows, and all of you, your real name, you know. Being a good inside parent is more about repair than anything else. So we almost have to mess up. almost look forward to the message. Oh, now I get to do most powerful parenting strategy of all. But Bertha isn't going to like it.

1:10:13Bertha is going to say all those things, right? So step one, hi Bertha, I knew you were going to say this. Hi Bertha, there you go again. And you can say something else so beautiful and amazing, just like the perfectionism. I know you're trying to help me. You learned that you had to be perfect to be loved. You learned you had to be perfect to be good enough. I might never change that thought in you. And I know, as Becky, that I'm practicing something new. I think just zooming out from this, we think our loudest thought is our truest thought. Our loudest thought is only our most practiced thought.

1:11:00And we've practiced for years telling ourselves we had to be perfect to be enough. So it's going to feel loud and convincing. Hi, Bertha. You would say something like that. I could have anticipated it. Bertha, I know you come from a good place. You learned you had to be perfect to be enough. I am doing something different. And then three, this visual helps. I'm going to ask you to just step back. because if I think about Bertha, she's a part of me. She was adaptive at a point. She gets to stay on my shelf, but being, what's like foreground, is that the foreground? Is that the background? I hope so.

1:11:35I don't know. Let's say it then. I don't know. Being behind me as something I look at is different than becoming me. And again, I think this is actually ending where we began. You are becoming, and this is really almost complicated, but true. I really think every member of Good Inside over time not in an instant, is becoming more and more like themselves. Like, I really do think we help kids grow and we help parents return. So beautiful. Return. That's what we're doing here. People on the outside might think this is about tantrums and sleep, and maybe that brought you here, but I promise you you're going to get something so much more important.

1:12:15You're going to become more and more like that truest part of yourself. And I think getting into a relationship with the Bertha in us is actually how we do that and how we stop her from becoming the whole thing. Well, thank you, everyone. It has been like absolutely amazing. I'm so, so glad you all showed up today. Becky, I'm going to let you close this out. Yes, we have to do something. Yes. So in the chat right now, okay, I want you to click the link that goes to the community. Here's why. We talked about so many things. And whenever we have a meeting here, I think about something complicated in my life, and there's so many things, I like to pause and just say to myself, what is kind of the loudest thing right now?

1:13:03Or what is the thing that's going to stick with me? Now, you might have something stick with you. That's not something Jamie or I said. It might be something you associated to. That's fine. All I want you to do is write down that kind of loudest, most on your mind thought. And I don't want you to put it into the Zoom because I want to read it. And I don't get to read the Zoom chat because when I read those things and I read every one, it really helps me understand what's really on your mind and what's resonating. I think members here don't understand how much you shape everything we do next. Your ideas.

1:13:33I wish the app was more like this. This isn't working. This. You get to be a co-creator of what we're doing here. I really mean that. All of my best ideas don't come from me. They come from you. So please write that. Please go back. You can go and respond to someone else. The power of community here is massive. And when you're in the community, go to upcoming events. I want to see RSVPs for Ask a Parent go to like skyrocket. We have two every day. I want them filled up for the next week. If you can't end up making it, don't worry. Put it on your calendar. Reschedule it. It's fine. Take up space, take advantage.

1:14:05And what happens in those sessions is incredible. So on that note, I want to kind of end with some energy. Okay. I used to end with like a grounding and I love grounding, but sometimes I think we don't give ourselves enough like hype. Okay. We have to like, this is like a hype moment. How are we hyping up? Okay. I just want to, I'm just going to be your cheerleader for a second. Okay. And yours too. Like we just spent time reflecting and learning and committing to something, and I'm just going to say this, that probably won't show up as evidence of our success until weeks, months from now. That is what it means to be a human.

1:14:43That is what it means to get out of this instant gratification world that only makes us more miserable, to say, I am becoming something. I am on a path. The path is swervy. The path does not go from one moment to immediate success, but I trust this path and really I trust myself. That's amazing. That is amazing because also you're building self-worth and self-trust from what it feels like on the inside to be in a process, not just by something on the outside that's happening in the moment. I will tell you that is everything and you are on that path and I want you to give yourself credit and I want you to write something down right now or tell yourself something hyperbolic.

1:15:25I am pretty freaking amazing. I am the best. I am doing it. I am here. I'm surrounded by other people. This is it. It doesn't get better than this, except for the next time you come back. So you are incredible. You are exactly the type of people who give me so much confidence and hope that we really are moving these ideas around the world and changing the next generation as we become more and more like ourselves. So please spread the word. Please come back. Please give us feedback. Please talk. Please take up space. So honored to be on this path with you and with Jamie. I hope you heard a couple things that really hit home today.

1:16:04And I really hope you had a moment of, oh, I wouldn't have thought to ask that question. But honestly, that is just so helpful and empowering and confidence building to know. If you liked this episode and our podcast in general, please do take a moment to rate and review it. That really means so much. And if you want to learn more about membership and what's inside, please just check out the link in show notes or go to goodinside.com. It's all there for you. Let's end the way we always do. Let's put our feet on the ground. Place a hand on your heart. And let's remind ourselves, even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside.

1:16:52I'll see you soon.

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1:17:56You know that feeling when your brain is at full capacity, right? I mean, you have a reminder from the dentist in your email, a birthday party invitation on the fridge and your kid just texted you about a soccer game they forgot to mention until that moment and you just cannot remember one more thing. That's where Skylight Calendar comes in. It's an all-in-one digital smart calendar that syncs with Google, Apple, and Outlook to help your whole family see the days and weeks ahead. And I really love the Tasks feature, which is designed to help your kid build routines around things like homework and chores.

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