Jersey Shore’s Mike “The Situation” and Lauren Sorrentino on Sobriety and Parenthood

28:52I want to double click on that because a different version of a baseline I think about is kind of, let's talk about dancing sober. That's just a good example, right? Even though it's not like that's the ultimate life goal, but something like that comes up and it's kind of representative of being in a situation that feels vulnerable where other people see you and your level of comfort. So let's just say that. If we think about baseline, what you're talking about here for what you want for your kids, I think is I want them and their baseline to be comfortable enough with themselves are even comfortable enough with their awkwardness because not everyone's gifted as a great dancer I don't know about you my moves aren't that great but I want them to be comfortable enough in their awkwardness yes that how much they need something to feel comfortable isn't a 10 out of 10 it isn't an 8 out of 10 maybe it's a 2 out of 10 but at a 2 out of 10 it's manageable where at an eight, nine, 10 out of 10, it's much harder to manage.

29:59Is that kind of what you're getting at? Yeah. Yes. That's where I, where my goal is. But again, I'm speaking from the part of the half that is not in sobriety. So I really lean on him to share. I want him to be honest with them when the age is appropriate, you know? Yes. I mean, I learned, and this probably takes years of practice for people, but when I go to the club, I'm happier than 99 % of the people in the club because I've learned to sort of vibe out and be so comfortable with who I am that I'm happier, talkative, right? Have better conversation. And then after about an hour, when people start to slur and can't even get their conversations out, I exit.

30:43And in the morning I go to the gym because I can get up and do my gym tanning and laundry. And again, it does take years of practice to get to where I am at. Yep. Because like you said, the two out of 10, a lot of people are not comfortable in their own skin. But what they need to realize is, okay, that authenticity is such an unmatched vibe. No one is going to be you, no matter how hard anybody tries. Yeah. And that's a good thing. So if you know that, your laugh, your chuckle, how you speak, how you dance, you are a one of one. Yeah. And that is why when I'm at the club, I'm like, situations here.

31:30You know what I mean? Big Daddy Sitch is here. Okay. And everyone's like, why is he always so happy? It's because I've learned these tools. Yeah.

31:45I'm not putting on sunscreen. You can't make me. Look, I get it. Your kid won't listen when you tell them SPF matters. That's why I'm excited to partner with Pipette to show how to use their sunscreen line to turn mom no into a moment of connection. Put yourself in your kid's shoes for a minute. Imagine you're excited to go outside and right before you walk out the door, someone starts putting their hands all over you. You wouldn't like it either. So here's the secret. Get your kid to participate. I'd start by telling my kid what's coming. All right, we're going to put on sunscreen in a minute.

32:19Here's the order. Shoulders, arms, legs, face last. All right, here we go. You can also ask your kid which sunscreen they'd like to use. I love that Pipette offers mineral spray, lotion, and stick sunscreen. And it's made with squalene, which helps keep skin moisturize so it doesn't have that dry chalky feeling that kids often push back on. I'll even ask my kids to put sunscreen on me. Here's the reframe. Sunscreen doesn't have to be a power struggle. It's a chance for your kid to have some agency. You can get 15 % off Pipette's full line of SPF products with the code goodinsidespf at pipettebaby.com.

32:56One thing I notice with parents all the time and honestly with myself too is how often we all just feel depleted. I mean parenting asks a lot of us. We're making decisions all day, navigating big feelings, and keeping everything moving. It's draining. I want to tell you something I do that both helps me stay hydrated, but honestly also feels like a form of self-care. I always have an Element drink mix in my bag. Instead of just carrying snacks from my kids, I go to this when it's 3 p.m., 4 p.m., 8 a.m., and I'm tired, and it's something for me that helps me feel taken care of and honestly makes me feel better.

33:32Element is a zero sugar electrolyte drink mix that helps support hydration without the sugar and artificial ingredients you'll find in so many sports drinks. It is truly part of my daily routine and it makes a difference. If you want to try it, Element is offering a free eight count sample pack of their most popular flavors with any purchase. Just go to drinkelement.com slash good inside.

33:59side. So I want to, I want to talk about this because it's so, I think it's so important and not talked about enough how all of this actually connects to parenting. Because when I think about something that I see all the time from the most well-intentioned parents, it's this constant urge to keep our kid happy all the time, to take away their disappointment or their awkward feelings. For example, a kid is going to a birthday party and they feel awkward. They feel anxious, right? I'm definitely not. And you know me, throw the kid in, right? But there's a lot between that and always trying to keep our kid happy and helping them see awkwardness, discomfort as something to tolerate, not exit from.

34:47I'm just thinking about how that, when our kids are young, sets them up when they're 18, 25, 40 to, to kind of have this arsenal of skills and experience where they've learned that it's okay to be them, even when things don't feel kind of happy and perfect. So how does that play out when your kids are upset, when they're left out, when they want something and they don't have it. How is kind of your life experience and how does that play out in how you parent them today? That's something that we're actively working on. Yes. There's, I share a lot of that information from your app with him. Yes.

35:32No, I'm guilty. You know, I'm definitely guilty, but I do know when that happens. Yeah. I'm definitely guilty of that because I just don't want my kids to, to be upset. But I know, but I know that discomfort is like a muscle and that it will eventually lead to growth. So I think that's so important. Discomfort's a muscle. And I think also what you're saying is actually learning to tolerate discomfort is the muscle because when your kids, I don't know, are in their teen or early adult years, I don't think you expect them to call you every day and say everything's smooth, everything's smooth, everything's smooth.

36:12I got the job I want. I got the promotion I want. I have the partner I want. I've never been in traffic in my life. Like that's never going to happen. So me too. And I think about my kids older on, I just, I don't expect them to call me and say, I've achieved everything I want to achieve all the time. And I'm perfectly happy. I know, I don't know when they're in high school, when they're in college after they're going to have disappointment. They're going to have a breakup that they didn't want to have something as silly as, I don't know, they're going to miss a flight or try to register for a class and get closed out and how they cope with that or how they cope with asking someone out on a date, even though they're not sure.

36:55I don't know. They'll say yes. That's not something that just starts at age 16 or 26. And so when our kids are young and they're upset, helping them see that they can get through it without necessarily bringing it to a zero is the, is kind of like the biggest gift we can give them. Yes. Right. Honey, I think we do that, right? We do do that. We do that a lot with affirmations. You are strong, you're courageous, you're smart you're beautiful um to let them know that to believe in themselves and we really validate what what the you know what the disappointment is why you know this morning she's i was in the shower okay yeah my son comes running upstairs he's hysterically crying opens my shower door what happened daddy won't let me have a lollipop it was 7 a.m it's barely 7 a.m.

37:52You can't have a lollipop for breakfast. Yes. That's the thing. Yeah. So, you know, but I said, I know that you really wanted that lollipop. If you eat lunch at school, because sometimes it comes home full. I said, then you can have a lollipop after school. She's very good with that. The kids will run to me. They'll run to me. My Mia Bella, who is two and a half, she's gorgeous. She'll run to me and say, first thing out of her mouth, daddy, chocolate. Well, I think she's going to train her. You know, and it's so hard. It's so hard for me to say no. And the same thing, the kids will, you know, because I am not, my wife is always around.

38:29I am less around than my wife. As soon as they see me, that's the first thing they ask for me. And it's almost like they know that I'm going to do it. And now because of my wife taking the lead, I follow and I say, no, you know, you have to have breakfast first or no, you have to have dinner first. And if you don't eat dinner, then, you know, you can't have snacks or dessert or anything like that. So we're trying. And I just want to reflect back something you said. It's interesting when you were telling the story around the period of your addiction, you said, nobody said no to me. No one, doctors, people, cops, nobody.

39:03You didn't say it, but it seems like there was a hint of, even if I wouldn't have liked it at the time, it would have been good for people to say no to me. Yes. Yes. Yes. Definitely at the time, if people would have made it a little harder for me, maybe that might have lessened the fall maybe. Because now we're talking about your kids. Yeah. And I think parents so many times they hear in their brain, like, you know, I don't know. I don't want to say no. I don't see my kids that much, but I think it's so powerful to redefine love. Even if we're not the primary parent, there's so many times looking back on our lives that we know hearing no from someone would have been the ultimate form of love because they're able to hold a longer term goal in mind for us, as opposed to just give us what we seemingly want in the moment.

39:52And yeah, like a lollipop for breakfast might be a good example. We all have times here and there, we're like, fine, have a lollipop. It's one of those days. But I think sometimes we feel guilty or we tell ourselves, oh, I don't want to say no. I like to be the good cop. But if we're honest with ourselves, so many times we feel most seen and helped by people when they do set limits. I had to draw the line. I had to draw the line in the sand this morning. Yeah. On the way here to Dr. Becky, I was like, you are not having a lollipop for breakfast. I knew this was happening. I have to tell you, I was so proud.

40:28And you know, you know how it is when you see your children crying, that breaks every parent's heart. But to see him crying and tell me that daddy said no to a lollipop, I was so happy. I was so proud of him. You know, it was a good thing. And I think that everybody needs to know that no is not a bad word. Thank you. Even outside of people who are not parents, no is not a bad word. Even with adults too. Yes. Yes. It's a boundary. It's, it's needed. That's right. To have a healthy life. And I think so many times when we're saying no to a kid, what we have to remind ourselves is we are actually saying yes to a limit or a value that matters to us, right?

41:09So let's say it's a different example. I want to watch another TV show and we know my kid's been up late the last couple nights. I know they need sleep. They have school tomorrow. We tell ourselves, I don't want to say no to our kid, but if we reframe it as it's my job to hold the bedtime, my four-year-old, my eight-year-old is never going to say, mom, dad, I think it would be a good idea for me to get sleep. They don't understand the long-term benefits of sleep. That's not their job. That's our job. We're the leader. And if we say to ourselves instead, I might have to say no to them, but truly that no is only coming because I'm actually saying yes to something that I know matters.

41:46It does become easier because you remember I'm the leader. I'm kind of the CEO of my family and CEOs have to know what they value and what really matters. Right. And then, like we've said, your kid might be upset, but your kid being upset isn't a sign you're doing something wrong. sometimes it's just the sign that you're holding a boundary that good leaders need to hold so you're like saying no now but yes to your future that's exactly right which i think at any age the people who've kind of been really important and influential in our lives they are people who can see kind of a better version of us in the future and they make a decision today to help set us up for that instead of almost colluding with whatever version of ourselves we're in, in the moment.

42:40Right. I think when you're going through addiction as an adult, and I talk to, you know, couples who have kids and maybe one of the partners using, and sometimes it's an act of love for the other partner to say, we need to talk about this. Right. I need you to agree to certain things. And I'm saying that not out of a place of anger or eating. I'm actually saying that because I love you and I know what you're capable of. And I know the family life we both need, right? That that matters. So that, that is such an act of love. Yeah. Addiction can be debilitating in every aspect of your life. That's why we are so vocal.

43:21I know we're kind of circling around this, but to name it more directly, I think so many parents, they really, they really care about being cycle breakers. When you think about cycles you want to break or kind of new cycles, you want to start with your own kid, kids, what, what, what really stands out? I don't know. I feel like we are a very, very good example right now. Yeah. of, um, breaking the chains of maybe, um, how we maybe grew up, you know, I, I mean, the way that we parent today, the way that we operate, I mean, you know, dad is 10 years clean and sober. We're opening up treatment centers.

44:07Um, we, is that about being emotionally present? Is that about what? Well, definitely because of that, I am very emotionally present. I am super mindful. The tools that I have learned over the many years are invaluable, you know, that I'm able to pass along to my family and my kids as they start to get older. So I feel like also just some of the things that I've learned in recovery about running the tape and running. A lot of people don't even know what that is. But as a family, we, you know, do it all the time about running the tape on your decisions. What does that mean? Just to explain to everyone.

44:45Running the tape on your decisions means that you play a decision out in your head, almost like a risk assessment tool, you know? And the easiest one to give an example of is if you were, you know, if I'm at the bar, I'm not me, but anyone at the bar and you decide to drink. Yeah. What are going to be some possible outcomes of that risk assessment drill in your head? And you would think to yourself, okay, I can possibly get a DUI. I can possibly get into an argument at the bar in a fight. I can possibly get into a car accident and help my hurt myself and someone else. So as you put these, these line items in your brain, right?

45:28Almost like a positive and a negative list. you're like okay should I make this decision or should I not make this decision you're like well you know what yeah this there's too much on the negative list probably not a good idea but I did decide to drink what are some other things I can do let's call an uber and now I just saved myself possible consequences and a very bad outcome that will do hurt many areas of my life so that's just one example that I gave you. And we, I do that in every single decision. You know, it's so interesting. It makes me think about that idea of running the tape in a totally different context too, which I don't know you have this, but I hear from so many, especially moms.

46:15I end up being resentful. I feel so alone. I don't have support. And I'll say something like if they do have a partner, okay, well, what would it be like to ask your partner to come home and help you with bath time? Oh, I can do that. Right. Okay. Well, let's run the tape of what happens if you don't. Okay. So you don't, you feel resentful. You're very overwhelmed. Your kid whines about one tiny thing and what's going to happen that you're going to scream. Right. Okay. Well, that's not the prettiest tape either. Right. So let's come back. And what would something different? It's such a helpful concept.

46:46Yeah. Yeah. We do that in every area of our life, including conversations. If you get into an argument with somebody and maybe they're being rude to you. If you take a brief, if you take a deep breath and step outside yourself for one second and be like, listen, if I get into an argument with this person right now, I might be on TMZ. I might be in the paper. You know what? It's better for me to say, thank you so much. Have a good day. God bless you and walk away. It's just little details that me and my wife practice on a daily basis in every aspect of our life that we've learned over many years in TV and dealing in certain situations.

47:24Yeah.

47:28One thing I notice with parents all the time, and honestly with myself too, is how often we all just feel depleted. I mean, parenting asks a lot of us. We're making decisions all day, navigating big feelings and keeping everything moving. It's draining. I want to tell you something I do that both helps me stay hydrated, but honestly also feels like a form of self-care. I always have an Element drink mix in my bag. Instead of just carrying snacks from my kids, I go to this when it's 3 p.m., 4 p.m., 8 a.m. and I'm tired and it's something for me that helps me feel taken care of and honestly makes me feel better.

48:04Element is a zero sugar electrolyte drink mix that helps support hydration without the sugar and artificial ingredients you'll find in so many sports drinks. It is truly part of my daily routine and it makes a difference. If you wanna try it, Element is offering a free eight-count sample pack of their most popular flavors with any purchase. Just go to drinkelement.com slash goodinside. I'm not putting on sunscreen. You can't make me. Look, I get it. Your kid won't listen when you tell them SPF matters. That's why I'm excited to partner with Pipette to show how to use their sunscreen line to turn mom no into a moment of connection.

48:42Put yourself in your kid's shoes for a minute. Imagine you're excited to go outside. And right before you walk out the door, someone starts putting their hands all over you. You wouldn't like it either. So here's the secret. Get your kid to participate. I'd start by telling my kid what's coming. All right, we're going to put on sunscreen in a minute. Here's the order. Shoulders, arms, legs, face last. All right, here we go. You can also ask your kid which sunscreen they'd like to use. I love that Pipette offers mineral spray, lotion, and stick sunscreen. and it's made with squalane, which helps keep skin moisturized so it doesn't have that dry, chalky feeling that kids often push back on.

49:20I'll even ask my kids to put sunscreen on me. Here's the reframe. Sunscreen doesn't have to be a power struggle. It's a chance for your kid to have some agency. You can get 15 % off Pipette's full line of SPF products with the code GOODINSIDESPF at pipettebaby.com.

49:43What about cycle breaking for you? Like, are there things, because I firmly believe this idea of every generation of parents, every parent is doing the best they can with the resources they have. And most parents also want to do things differently than their parents did in some respects. So those can be equally true. It doesn't have to be about blame. So I'm curious what, I don't know, is there a form of cycle breaking or something that you know really matters for you to give to your kid. Yeah, definitely. For me personally, cycle breaking means sharing more about my feelings and how I'm feeling because there's moments where I'm feeling frustrated.

50:23I'm happy. I'm sad. Um, I, and I want my kids to see all of those feelings. I feel like the, the generation I was raised in was hiding a lot of the, you know, if some, if a family member passed, um, you know, I remember seeing my mom, um, I remember seeing my mom cry when she found out her grandmother passed and I felt so bad for her. And I wish I could have given her a hug, but I was young and we didn't really share those, you know, share about, talk about certain things at certain ages. So I think that just really through all the therapy I've done through his, him getting sober, his sobriety, and now me really getting back into therapy through just wanting to be the best parent I could be.

51:11I feel like it's really important. I know that it's really important to share my feelings. So my kids have examples of what life is because life is not all rainbows and unicorns. I think that's such an important theme. Life is not all rainbows and unicorns. And ironically, the more we try to make our kids' lives when they're young, all rainbows and unicorns, of course, they're going to expect that a good life in adulthood means all rainbows and unicorns. And in the rainbow and unicorn world, there's no awkward feelings. There's no jealousy. There's no sadness. And I think we want our kids to feel prepared for those inevitable feelings.

51:51Yeah. Right. And I think this example is such a beautiful one. You're upset as a parent. There's a, there's a big difference between putting your feelings on your kid. You don't want to do that. And talking about your obvious feelings with your kid. Yeah. Right. Yes. You're right to notice I was crying. Yeah. And you keep hearing the word die, cancer, whatever it is. Let me explain that to you. Right. Right. Yep. And now it's actually a point of deepening connection with your kid. They understand what's happening in their environment. They're probably that much more able to deal with their own sad feelings because they know, oh, mom or dad has sad feelings too.

52:27And they're able to talk about it and work through it. It's not some hidden agenda as if it's shameful or wrong. Yeah. I think that, um, because of my wife, she does so much research. I'm like, you know, I'm so proud of her. Um, but, um, we want our children to feel that they are being heard. Yeah. And I think that is very important. It's something we do in our home a lot. We, we do a lot of listening and we want to make sure that they know that they are heard. And a lot of times because of my wife, um, we want to get down on their level. Yeah. So these, there's been a ton of things that I've learned from my wife.

53:06Um, and I'm so very proud of her that she's definitely taken the lead, um, in the house. Um, so, um, and I've also learned as well. Yeah. Lauren, you're the ultimate forever learner, right? Which is, I think the best it gets. Yeah. Nobody knows all this stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Life, you know, life's over when you stop learning, I think. And I've always been a hard worker. I've always loved working when I worked in like our form, my former career and everything. And when I came into a role as motherhood, I had no idea what I was doing. And I felt like a failure for probably the first year with postpartum and all of that.

53:44And then as we had more kids, I got my groove and I'm like, wait, how do you just know how to do this? This is so hard. And my sister is actually who introduced me to you and was like, you know, you really should check out Dr. Becky on Good Inside. People rave about her app. And it was exactly what I needed to just give me that boost of confidence and really find a community for, you know, parenting. We've been talking about Dr. Becky in the home for months now. And we were very excited to come here today. Yes. Well, I'm equally as excited. And I just want to say the power of normalizing learning, like you were saying, parenting is a job, right?

54:27And every other job, continuing education, coaching, learning. I don't know one person who works at a company that if you heard them say, I want to learn more, I want to educate. I want to learn from other people. You would never say that must mean you're bad at your job. What? It's absurd. I don't know any athlete, who doesn't want a coach or even a sports psychologist, we say, amazing. That's like, you're taking your potential, you're adding things you learn, and that is how you reach, you know, heights. And so to say that's, I think that's exactly how I wish people look at parenting. There's certain moments that come naturally.

55:04There's a lot that don't. Right. And we can supplement what feels instinctual with the same thing we do in any other area of our life, learning, support. And then when you do, the irony is like you said, Lauren, beautifully, you, you don't feel like a failure anymore. You feel more confident. So beautiful. Yeah. Um, the hardest part of parenting is,

55:27being the bad cop. Good answer. That is, that is the truth for you too. Um, yeah, I love being a dad i worked so hard to be where i'm at right now and this is for me like um the end game end game is family um my legacy so um we are a um what's the word uh we are learning while we're going just like every other family you know and um but um we are actively the word actively working and educating ourselves to make sure that, um, our kids can turn, grow up to be the, the most best version of themselves. The thing I could have used to hear in my childhood was, I understand. What about you? I don't know if I can follow up after that one.

56:19That was a good answer. Probably what I needed was everything happens for a reason. One thing you do to stay connected in your marriage, even as you're raising young kids. Oh, good one. We actively work on that. Yes. All the time. We try to do weekly date nights or day dates. I'm really into the lunch date because I like my sleep. usually every single day at 11 11 I will text my wife I love you with 11 11 and a heart and uh and uh like a like a kissy face or something just to let her know that like I love her and then I'm thinking of her um that's just one of the things that we I do on a daily basis I love that and both of you have an example and I think it's so important that that's something to be proactive about too that doesn't just happen no right like you have to do the text you have to make the date The reason why I said actively because relationships, all relationships, it could be friendships, it could be work, relationships, anything.

57:24It takes work. Yeah. Active work on a daily basis. If there is no work, there'll be no relationship. And you have to connect outside of your children, you know, because 99.9 % of your combos are going to be. It's also going on with them. Carpools. Exactly. It's also always a moving target, too. You know, and we're always trying to listen to each other's feelings. And sometimes she says that I'm being too hard. And sometimes, you know, I have to make adjustments. Yeah. You know, on a daily basis, on a weekly basis, on a monthly basis, on a yearly basis. Yeah. And we're always working on our marriage.

58:00Hence, we are seven years happily married this year, November 1st. Congratulations. Okay. My last quick question. Your kids are now older and you hear one of them describing you. something like, oh, my mom or, oh, my dad. And they say one thing about you. What's the thing you hope they say? Loving or kind. My dad's an inspiration. Thank you. Thank you for your important work. Thank you for your openness and willingness to have hard conversations. So important, so impactful. And we'll do this again soon. Yes. Thank you. Yes. Thank you so much. There were so many important themes of this conversation today, but I can share with you the one that's feeling the loudest to me in my brain right now.

58:44It is so hard when we're parenting to tolerate the tantrum, to stay calm when our kid screams, I hate you, to not fix our kids' feelings when they're feeling jealous or disappointed. After today's conversation, I'm going to really remember how important this is, how it is such an amazing service. It is in benefit of my kids to help them tolerate discomfort. That is going to set them up for an adulthood where not only where they'll be more resilient, well, they'll just be so much more comfortable in their skin in a wider range of situations. And so when you're in a tricky situation with your kid today, and it's feeling inconvenient and hard, I hope that gives you a little bit more conviction in what you're doing.

59:34Let's end the way we always do. Place your feet on the ground. Put a hand on your heart. And let's remind ourselves, even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside. I'll see you soon.

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