Let’s Talk About Sex

0:28Let's talk about sex. much earlier. In a study conducted by Common Sense Media in 2023, the average age kids are exposed to sexual images or porn is 12. And a whopping 58 % of those kids come across that material accidentally. What does that really mean to me? That kids have always been curious about sex. But now that they have the internet, it is even more important that our kids know they can come to us with their curiosity, not the internet where they're going to end up encountering things they don't want to see and frankly, they shouldn't see. I'm so excited to talk about this topic. I know all of us want to be the kind of parent who can show up for important conversations.

1:17And all of us probably also feel a little bit nervous about it. I promise you by the end, Those nerves will be lessened. And I'm so excited for us to get there. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this.

1:44Okay, here's the scene. I'm on the subway with my five-year-old son. He was exactly five. and we had a play date really far from our house and that matters. You'll see why. So we're on the subway for what's going to be a 25-minute ride. My son picks up something from the ground and says to me, Mom, can I eat this? It looks like candy. I said, what is it? He goes, it's a Magnum. Now, if you don't know, Magnum is the name of an ice cream bar. and I think he thought this was some version of an ice cream bar in tiny square form. It was not. It was what you and I might know, a condom. It was a wrapped condom he had found on the subway.

2:38There were so many adults around us. It was very, very crowded and it felt like everyone was watching me wondering how I was going to handle this question. So I just said, sweetie, you know, that's not candy, something like that. And he looks at me and he just says, what is it? Now, you probably know this about me, but I'll state it again. I'm pretty honest with my kids. I actually think the moments when we can have conversations with our kids about all the topics that were kind of off limits in our childhood is just some of our biggest impact moments. Now, my son at this age of five had already known some of the basics around body parts.

3:24We've always used real language. He knew about a penis. He knows about a vagina and a vulva. That was already happening. And when I was in this moment, I realized I couldn't describe to him what a condom was unless we talked about how babies were made and sex. And to be honest, we had already been circling around that topic, not on the subway ride, but in the last couple of weeks when he became very curious about death and very curious about birth because young kids are curious. How do we come into the world and how do we go out of the world? So here we were. I knew I had some time. I didn't really think the first birds and the bees conversation was going to happen on the New York City subway.

4:11And yet, here we were. And we talked. We talked about how a baby is made. We also talked about what a condom was. And what was really interesting is there was nothing funny about the conversation. There was nothing inappropriate. it. I talk to my kids about everything. We live in New York City. They see a lot of different things on the street. They've always known they can ask about it and they'll get an honest answer. And in doing that, it really takes away the stigma of things. It takes away the awkwardness. I've always talked to my kids about lots of things with their body, right? They know what happens when they get hurt and they fall down and they get a scrape.

4:57They know what every part of their body is cold. In a way, knowing how a baby is made is anatomy, is basic biology. I know these conversations are really tricky. And I know you might already have your heart raising just at my story. And in no way do I think you have to have a conversation about how babies are made in public transportation. That definitely is not top of my recommendation list. But I do think it's really important that we have an understanding of why these conversations matter. How do we answer questions when they come our way? And maybe most importantly, how can we lay the foundation when our kids are young for them to know that it's safe and comfortable enough for them to come to us when they're older and they have other questions that they need real, truthful, trusted information about.

5:56And how we answer our kids' questions when they're young impacts not only how they learn about that topic, but how their body will remember whether we are someone they want to come to when they're older and honestly when the stakes are higher. And so, yes, I talked about how babies are made on the New York City subway. I actually think I might have educated some of the people around me who maybe have never been given that type of accurate information. And so there we were in the subway talking about how babies are made and talking about what a condom is. And what was really interesting to me, and one of the things I remember most, is the way my son at a certain point lost interest, wanted to talk about something totally different.

6:43I remember it. He was kind of quiet. My heart was beating. I was ready for some next set of kind of intense questions. And he just looks at me and says, let's for dinner tonight. Which maybe was his way of saying, I'm saturated. That's all I needed to know. I wanted some basic information. And I think in these moments, it can feel so big for us because it's new, because no one talked to us in this way. But actually, it can just feel kind of part of the day-to-day of conversing with a parent to a kid. That's definitely one of the things that stood out to me during this subway ride conversation about sex.

7:37So let's talk about a couple big ideas. Big idea number one, why are we so uncomfortable talking about sex. And let's zero in talking about that discomfort. Right now, I want you to imagine your kid looking at you and asking you a direct question. How are babies made? How does the baby get in the belly? No, in the belly. How does it get in? Or what's a condom? Or I heard something on the bus. Is it true? Just notice if your heart is racing. Notice if your stomach feels ill. Notice if you have the urge to run away, even if that doesn't make logical sense. Just notice that. And I want to share my understanding of those intense, uncomfortable emotions.

8:31I think so many times these conversations bring up such intense, uncomfortable emotions simply because it's our body's way of telling us nobody has ever talked about this before. You are the first person in a long lineage in many generations to even think about answering this question directly. So often we think that racing heart, that urge to run away means that our kid asked a bad question or there's something inappropriate. But I don't really think that's what's happening. If nobody in your family ever talked to you about how babies were made, if nobody talked about sex, then of course you're going to have a visceral reaction to your kid asking a question or when you think it's the right time to talk about this topic.

9:28I think it is so empowering to know those intense feelings just mean I'm doing something new. I don't have a blueprint for this. So of course my body is uncomfortable. Knowing that the discomfort means new, not wrong, is so helpful as you have these important moments with your kids. Big idea number two, what's the right age to talk about this? I get this question all the time and then I think it's important to shift it because there's no one right age to talk about sex. Here's the way I think about it. Talking about sex is really a much broader topic. How do we talk about bodies? How do we talk about consent?

10:12How do we talk about and get ready? I'm going to say it. Pleasure. I've always thought it's so interesting as if the most progressive we ever get is telling kids that sex is something you do when you want to make a baby. just looking around, but you and I know that is actually a small percentage of the reason why adults have sex. And we shouldn't be surprised that so many young adults struggle in their relationship with sex, don't understand pleasure, and yes, especially women, if it's something that we completely leave off the table. Now, this is a spectrum in terms of a conversation. If you've never used the word penis, vulva, vagina, if you in general have found in our family, when a kid has something that's uncomfortable, we do tend to say, oh, let's talk about that later.

11:08I don't recommend jumping in with all the details around how to make a baby. That's why the question about age, I think, misses the point. I think the better framework is, how do I become someone my kid can talk to about uncomfortable, tricky topics? How do I let my kid know that no topic is off the table? How do I make sure my kid knows that they can take their curiosity to me and not to the older kid on the bus or to the internet? That never starts with having everything come out all at once. which is why instead of age I would just almost take an inventory. Well where are things at right now?

11:50Do we use real anatomical terms for body parts? If not let's start there and let me give myself credit for using those words and saying something to my kid like hey let me tell you the real name for that body part. That's a huge first step. Maybe another step is saying to your kid hey, if you ever have questions about anything, you can come to me. In our family, there is never a question that's too big or too small. And there's never a question that's inappropriate. You're allowed to be curious. And I'm someone you can always come talk to about it. Maybe a step after that is you do get a question.

12:29And the thing you say back to your kid is just, that's a great question. And I want to give you a great answer. I'm going to come back to you because that's the only thing you can say when your heart is racing. And then you're thinking, I need to go get a resource because I don't have the language myself because no one ever talked to me about it. So instead of just centering on age, you're actually thinking, how over time can I have more and more of these conversations with my kid? Now I'm actually paying attention to where we are now and scaffolding going forward instead of arbitrarily deciding what's right just based on numerical age.

13:12Okay, big idea number three. Will talking about how babies are made or sex with my kid just make my kid more interested in it or more likely to do it at a younger age? I totally understand this question. And actually, we tend to see the opposite. Now, just to be clear, I do not think you should take your three-year-old, who doesn't seem interested in this topic potentially at all, and say, hey, let's talk about sex. That's clearly not aligned with where they are. It's not attuned to their area of interest. So let's assume we're not doing that. We're talking about what do I do when my kid does seem interested, when they start asking questions, when we watch something, a TV show, and it's clearly right in front of us, something about how babies are made, and I have to decide, do I talk about it or ignore it?

14:09In general, we tend to act out what we don't understand and what we don't have language for. I've always found this so compelling, and Gabor Matei said this to me when we were talking on my podcast years ago. If you think about the term acting out, you act out if you're not able to speak a language and you want to try to figure out something or get your point across. For example, if I was in an environment where people only spoke Spanish and I don't speak Spanish, do you know what I would have to do to try to communicate and figure something out? I would have to act it out. I would have to use gestures because I don't have the language.

14:52We tend to almost get it all wrong when it comes to our kids. When our kids have language for something, when they understand something, their curiosity is quenched. When kids don't have language for something and when they don't understand something, but they're curious about it, they actually have to go act things out in their behavior to try to learn. When kids understand how babies are made, when they understand sex, you can then have conversations about when things are appropriate, the different risks that are involved, what makes for healthy relationships, how do you have to communicate with partners during sex.

15:36All of those things as kids get older become conversations that are on the table because you've established the foundation with your kid. Those kids, the ones who can talk about these topics with parents, those aren't the kids who then have to go explore and try to figure things out through behavior. My guess is if you think back to your, I don't know, teenage years, and if you did act out, I have a feeling you had to act out what wasn't held and discussed, what wasn't allowed to be talked about, what was deemed as wrong or bad in your house. That tends to be true. Plus, there's something I also always laugh about when it comes to talking about these topics with kids.

16:21If you want to make something uncool, be the person who talks about it with your kid. You talk about sex with your kid. Your kid will never, when they're older, have sex just to try to prove that they're cool or try to prove, see, I'm my own person. No, you've established that this is something that can be talked about within your relationship. You've made it less cool. You've made it less likely to be the thing your kid rebels and define themselves around. That's actually a win for everyone because now your kid has information, knowledge is always empowering, and your kid can figure out who they are and define themselves not based on sex, but based on things that are actually adaptive, like figuring out their interests or figuring out what lights them up inside and where they want to spend time.

17:13So talking about it with our kids, that's not what makes our kids act out. Not talking about hard things with kids, that's much more likely to lead a kid to act out. We're going to move on to some parent questions, but quickly, I just want to let you know that within Good Inside Membership, we have so many amazing specific resources about how to talk to your kid about sex and all the direct questions they have broken down by age and stage. All right, let's get into those questions. My son recently ran to me in the morning saying something was wrong with his penis. His exact words were, mom, my penis is too hard.

17:52I think it's broken. After an initial laugh from my husband and I, we told him it was normal and that happens sometimes. Is there anything else I should say? First of all, you are not the only one who's experienced this. So many young boys, they start to notice that something has shifted with their penis. It's erect and it scares them because it always scares a kid when any part of their body changes. It would scare a kid if they woke up and their ankle was swollen. It would scare a kid when they get a cut on their arm and see blood. And it scares a kid when their penis is hard and that's the first time they've experienced it.

18:35Honestly, I think your reaction was beautiful. Just to say, that's totally normal. That happens sometimes. Seems like a really kind of emotionally attuned response if that actually calmed your kid. Now, when kids are older, you might want to have more conversations. But when kids are young, you can simply just reflect back. Yes, your penis is hard. That happens sometimes. whether your penis is harder or softer, you're totally healthy and nothing is wrong with you and you can always ask me questions about it. But it sounds like your response made him feel better and it sounds like that's exactly what he needed.

19:29okay next question I saw something in my son's internet history that really caught me off guard it was a few questions asking about things to do with sex and terminology and honestly I panicked I have no idea if I should talk to my kid about it and how I do that or if I should just let it be Any advice? I love this question. And first, I just want to frame what a kid is doing. Now, I know what you're thinking. This parent said what the kid was doing. The kid went to the internet to search about sex. I actually don't think that's what the kid did underneath. Of course, that's the behavior. But what's really happening is a kid is curious.

20:08And I don't know these details, but a kid is curious about sex or a part of their body. And here's the thing about curiosity. It's a very powerful force, and we want it to be. Curiosity is the thing that allows us to learn more. Can you imagine wanting to turn off your kid's curiosity about math or reading or world history? Never. We love that our kid's curiosity spurns them to want to figure things out. We can't turn off curiosity about some things and leave it on for other things. Curiosity leads to a kid wanting to explore. Not to be bad, but to learn more and better understand. So that's what's really happening.

20:52Because I think that framework is important to give us a clue in what to do next. All this means is my son is curious about sex. The only thing I have proof of is that curiosity. That's why he went to the internet. Next. I wonder what I could do. so my kid knows they could bring their curiosity to me. Because I'm going to be a more accurate and safer place to come to when my kid has curiosity about sex. I don't want my kid to think that the only place they can bring the curiosity is the internet. That's going to get my kid in some trouble and lead to my kid ending up seeing things that they probably don't go to the internet to see, but inevitably they're confronted with.

21:37This is why when our kids do end up on sites that are totally inappropriate, it's so helpful to remember that's not initially what they were seeking out. They were seeking out probably information from a place of curiosity. So step three, I would talk to your kid about it. Because again, it's not just about the internet search. It's about everything going forward. Your kids should be curious about their body and how babies are made and sex. and we want our kid to shift that curiosity from the internet to us or maybe other adults. How would I do that? I would say to my son, hey, I saw something in your browsing history.

22:16Now let me just sidebar with you for a second. I hate asking kids questions that you already know the answer to. We do not want to try to catch our kids in a lie. That's something we do to an enemy, not a teammate. So don't say, hey, have you typed anything into the internet recently? Have you seen anything that's been, I don't know, something you're not supposed to see? Just tell them. And then you can say, look, this is not about you being in trouble. All that tells me is you have curiosity. You're curious about bodies. You're curious about sex. And listen to me, that makes a lot of sense. Kids at your age are curious.

22:49And that's okay. In fact, that's really normal and healthy. I actually just want to know what I can do. so you feel more comfortable coming to me with those questions? Or is there another adult if you don't feel comfortable coming to me that you can go to? Because I promise you a trusted adult is going to get you better information and you'll be less likely to see something disturbing or inaccurate, which is what's going to happen in the internet. That is the conversation I would have. Now, separate from that, I would also definitely look into parental controls, block sites, not because our kid is bad, but actually just as a way of trying to ensure we could keep our kids safe.

23:31Next question. I grew up in a strict religious home where sex was never spoken about. It was treated like something shameful. Because of that, I still feel so much discomfort, even saying the word, let alone having an actual conversation with my partner. How can I possibly talk to my kids about something I was taught to avoid? This is such a profound question. And I actually think the question gets to the heart of why these conversations are so hard. For a lot of us, it wasn't just that sex wasn't talked about. It was that sex was seen as bad, as morally wrong, or as dirty. So it's not just the absence of a conversation.

24:14It's the presence of shame that gets in our way of talking about sex with our kids. First thing, we often think that intergenerational change starts by how we interact with our kid. Intergenerational change, cycle breaking, that actually starts with the way we talk to ourselves. You're right. If our internal narrative is sex is wrong, dirty, bad, kind of it shall not be named, and that is the track in our brain, it's really hard, dare I say impossible, to have a different conversation with your kid. But that doesn't mean it's hopeless or you're stuck or you're destined to repeat those cycles. Not at all.

25:00It actually just means the starting point might be different than how you think about it. The starting point is actually talking to yourself about sex differently, playing around with different language when you hear, oh, wrong, dirty. Hello, old thoughts. Those were thoughts that made sense years ago. That is what I was taught. And I'm practicing something new. And then you can talk to yourself differently. Because when you do that, you're building a new muscle. You're literally building almost like a new set of words, new language. And that is what you'll draw on to talk to your kids. It actually might be really helpful for you to watch a program, a workshop, read some scripts about sex in a very non-shaming, non-judgmental way, not to repeat it right away to your kid, but maybe to repeat it a couple times to yourself.

26:02My guess is the inner child in you will benefit so much. And it might be really healing to you and might be that first step in being able to talk about sex differently with your kid. Last question. I see my six-year-old daughter touching herself all the time. Isn't she so young to be doing something so sexual? This is such a common question and I'm so glad this came my way. The first thing I want to say is kids touching themselves is totally normal. Totally normal. The second thing that I think will be really helpful to understand is the difference between sexual and sensual. One letter difference, I think, but huge difference in meaning.

26:54When we see a kid touching themselves, a six-year-old girl, we often think of the word sexual. That was even in your question. That's so sexual. We put in some ways an adult connotation on a child behavior. Now, here's the interesting thing about childhood. One of a kid's jobs is to figure out what feels good in their body. Think about your six-year-old daughter. She might say, this fabric is really itchy. I hate it. Amazing. She knows she doesn't like wool on her skin. and she's paying attention to her body, what feels good, what feels bad. She might love hugging you when she's upset. Amazing.

27:35She's learning what can be comforting, what feels good in her body, based on her body's signals when she's upset. Those are both examples of something that's sensual. It literally has to do with your kid's senses. Now, you and I know over time, there can be overlap between what's sensual and what's sexual. But for a six-year-old girl, her touching herself isn't a sexual act. It's a sensual act. Honestly, closer to a kid sucking their thumb as a way to try to soothe themselves, trying to use their body to soothe or feel comfortable or feel good. I hope that framework helps you understand what's really going on for her.

28:28Here's my main takeaway from this episode. We want our kid to come to us when they're curious about any topic, and one of those topics is sex. And at the same time, it makes sense if it feels uncomfortable and awkward when our kids do ask us questions, because that probably means no one talked to you about these topics directly when you were younger. I hope that gives you less shame and more empowerment to have these conversations, even in the face of awkwardness, with your kid. Let's end the way we always do, by putting your feet on the ground, putting a hand on your heart, and reminding yourself, even as I struggle on the outside I remain good inside I'll see you soon