Let's Talk Back-to-School

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0:34So for your next I need something now moment, use code GOODINSIDE for 40 % off your first subscription at onceuponafarmorganics.com. Okay, pardon the interruption. I'm very aware that it's summer. The other thing that I know is that school is around the corner. And I know if you're like me, you want to say, no, I don't even want to think about it. I don't want to think about school. Let me just enjoy the last days of summer. Listen, I'm with you and summer matters. And I have learned the hard way too many times that my denial of the school year coming often leads to my kids having a pretty bad first week of school experience.

1:15And I want to avoid that for myself and for all the families out there without taking away summer. Back to school is tricky. It's a huge change to go from staying up late and having ice cream and having lazy mornings to, I don't know, having 30 things to do before 7.07 a.m. So today I'm going to talk about it with you, but we're going to do it in a fun and lighthearted way. You're going to hear about my experience going back to school, my tendencies, some stories from my family, and through just this kind of lighthearted conversation, I think we'll end where we'll all absorb one or two things that are going to end up being doable and helpful.

1:51I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this.

2:01I'm not putting on sunscreen. You can't make me. Look, I get it. Your kid won't listen when you tell them SPF matters. That's why I'm excited to partner with Pipette to show how to use their sunscreen line to turn mom no into a moment of connection. Put yourself in your kid's shoes for a minute. Imagine you're excited to go outside and right before you walk out the door someone starts putting their hands all over you. You wouldn't like it either. So here's the secret. Get your kid to participate. I'd start by telling my kid what's coming. All right we're going to put on sunscreen in a minute. Here's the order.

2:36Shoulders, arms, legs, face last. All right here we go. You can also ask your kid which sunscreen they'd like to use. I love that Pipette offers mineral spray, lotion, and stick sunscreen. And it's made with squalane, which helps keep skin moisturized so it doesn't have that dry, chalky feeling that kids often push back on. I'll even ask my kids to put sunscreen on me. Here's the reframe. Sunscreen doesn't have to be a power struggle. It's a chance for your kid to have some agency. You can get 15 % off Pipette's full line of SPF products with the code GOODINSIDESPF at pipettebaby.com. One thing I notice with parents all the time, and honestly with myself too, is how often we all just feel depleted.

3:18I mean, parenting asks a lot of us. We're making decisions all day, navigating big feelings, and keeping everything moving. It's draining. I want to tell you something I do that both helps me stay hydrated, but honestly also feels like a form of self-care. I always have an Element drink mix in my bag. Instead of just carrying snacks from my kids, I go to this when it's 3 p.m., 4 p.m., 8 a.m. And I'm tired and it's something for me that helps me feel taken care of and honestly makes me feel better. Element is a zero sugar electrolyte drink mix that helps support hydration without the sugar and artificial ingredients you'll find in so many sports drinks.

3:57It is truly part of my daily routine and it makes a difference. If you wanna try it, Element is offering a free eight-count sample pack of their most popular flavors with any purchase. Just go to drinkelement.com slash goodinside.

4:16So be honest, are you the kind of parent who packs the backpack a week before school starts? Or the parent who's searching through their inbox at 9 p.m. the night before for the supply list? I do not like being boxed in because the truth is I am both of those parents and a different parent. So I would say years ago, I was definitely not only the parent who packed the backpack the night before, but sorry, I would say years ago, not only was I the parent who packed the backpack multiple nights before, but it was perfect. Like I packed it, it was done, and I had full confidence the morning of like just grab it and go.

4:52So then I kind of morphed into the parent who thought she packed the backpack perfectly a couple nights before. And then the night before school, I was like, hold on a second. I definitely don't have folders or lunchboxes. What is in that backpack? You found a backpack. Yeah. Now I would say I'm the kind of parent whose friends text me, Becky, you might have missed the email. Oh, back to packing the list. Here it is. And I'm like, I love you and thank you. And I'm also now the parent with my third kid where he he just knows he does it. I feel like he's probably packing his brother's backpack who is six years older than him.

5:33And so I've been all the parents. Why do you think back to school feels like such a high stress moment? Well, I'm not sure you mean for parent or kids or anyone. I mean, the summer to school transition is rough. I mean, summer and I think we struggle a little bit with summer because there's no schedule. The mornings can feel long. You're like, oh, is it only 10, 19? Like, I feel like I've lived a whole day and gone through all my snacks. But there's also something we love about that. Like our kids are out late. It's like, all right, whatever. We have nothing to do. And there's something on the weekends where your kids, like my kids in the summer, there's no soccer practice and then lacrosse tournament and then, you know, ballet and your weekends have more openness.

6:19And again, while that can bring some unique problems, that freedom and feeling like you just have more agency and more time, I think as soon as we sense that that's about to go, it feels really, really bad. I also think the transition is hard for kids for the same reasons, right? They stay up late. There's a popsicle every day. There's maybe more time with friends and maybe even more time with family and more time for creativity and play and being outside. But I also think one of the reasons back to school is so hard for kids kind of coincides with why it's hard for parents. Like we're a little bit in denial a lot.

7:00Like I know for me in the Northeast, we go back to school in September for other people, it's August. And you're like, I don't want to think about it. I want to think about it. I want to think about it because we want to soak up every moment of summer. And yet we know kids do best when they know what to expect. See, we know what to expect. We know about the first day. We can hold a lot of information in our mind. We remember last year. We know we're going to have to get a carpool, whatever the things are. Our kids don't hold that. And so because we want to kind of deny school starting, we also sometimes get in our own way of giving our kids the information in advance that would make their start of school a lot smoother.

7:38And then it all explodes because we're like, oh, see, I really did have something to dread. And my kid really is freaking out. And my kid is acting like they've never been to any school before, even though actually they're in third grade. Right. And so I think all of that comes together and makes it feel really stressful. How would you say that our own experiences with school shaped the way we respond or approach the season as parents so much? I mean, I think this brings me to something you and I talk about a lot, the fast forward error, right? So you see your kid have some challenging moment.

8:08Let's say they're clinging to you on day one or they say to you on day four, I have no friends, no one played with me at recess. It's almost like our body scans itself. And it's like, did I have trouble separating at school? Did I feel left out at recess? I know for me being left out at recess is still, it's a painful visceral memory. Like I know where I was in that hill. I know where my friends or people I thought were my friends were playing without me. Right. And so I have this built up memory. My kid says something like I had no one to play with. And instead of just responding to that moment, I've now fast forwarded like 30 years of their life.

8:47And between that moment for them and my own history and the strength of my feelings that have more to do with me than anything to do with them, a moment doesn't become a moment. It becomes this whole story. And then I'm not even responding to whatever happened today. I'm responding to them as if I need to stop this horrible future from happening, which is honestly more about quelling my own anxiety than anything to do with them. Right. And then I lead with my anxiety. They feel it. And the whole moment does become bigger. And so, yeah, I think there is this intense interaction between our kind of painful experience or even unprocessed experience and then their lived reality.

9:23Becky, each of your kids are so different from one another. Do you approach this transition differently with each of them? Oh, good question. My kids are so different. It's amazing to have three kids where if you had to say like who's most similar, I think it's like this perfect triangle where they're all, you know, equally different. I feel like that must be true. Four or five kids. They're just all so many possibilities. Yeah. You know, like for my deeply feeling kid, it's this interesting dance where deeply feeling kids really orient around control. They definitely don't like to be surprised, but too far in advance also can lead to like a lot of rumination.

9:57Right. My youngest kid really orients around capability. He likes to do things independently, like I've referred to, as you know. And so I need to give him just enough kind of information for him to kind of flex the way he likes to feel old and in charge and doing things for himself. And how would you do that with him? Yeah. OK, like, for example, like he is a kid where he doesn't get as emotionally worked up about the transition, but he just likes to feel agency and like he can kind of have a role in something as opposed to something being done to him. So I might say something like, hey, here are the supplies we need.

10:34What do you think we should do? And leave it at that. And he's like, well, let's go to the store and I want to pick out my own folder. And, you know, I mean, I feel like it's not too long from now. I'll be like, here's some money. Go do it yourself. Because he really could do that at a really young age. But we'll go and he'll pick out the things and in the picking out and the putting it into his backpack. Like, that's his way. I know being like, I'm here. I'm good. He doesn't get as stressed about what friends are in his class or what teacher he has or drive the best teacher. he he's you know not as thrown off by those things um I would say my other kids have you know are different and so I think again my reaction when I get the class list I remember one of my kids getting the class list I'm thinking like oh he's gonna be really upset he's not with any of his friends and you know I had the list first and I kind of somehow had this wise voice in me being like don't lead with that which is easy to do oh I found that the list sweetie I was like just lead with the truth.

11:31Hey, I found out the list. Here it is. I gave it to him. I was like spiraling. He's got the horrible school year. Right. Inside. Just waiting. Exactly. And he just kind of stated simply like, oh, I'm with this kid. A lot of my friends are in this class. What are we doing today? And I was like, wow, I'm so glad I didn't leave with we're going to be OK. And don't worry. And you're resilient. You know, but he's a kid who also likes to feel prepared and does need a little bit more space around kind of what something's going to be like, imagining something in advance. And so, yeah, I mean, I think they all need something a little different.

12:07I would say all of them need information. Nobody likes to be surprised by the first day. And all of them, I think, require me to at first check in with myself, regulate my own emotions, and then kind of a little bit let them take the lead.

12:24I'm not putting on sunscreen. You can't make me. Look, I get it. Your kid won't listen when you tell them SPF matters. That's why I'm excited to partner with Pipette to show how to use their sunscreen line to turn mom no into a moment of connection. Put yourself in your kid's shoes for a minute. Imagine you're excited to go outside and right before you walk out the door, someone starts putting their hands all over you. You wouldn't like it either. So here's the secret. Get your kid to participate. I'd start by telling my kid what's coming. All right, we're going to put on sunscreen in a minute.

12:58Here's the order. Shoulders, arms, legs, face last. All right, here we go. You can also ask your kid which sunscreen they'd like to use. I love that Pipette offers mineral spray, lotion, and stick sunscreen. And it's made with squalane, which helps keep skin moisturized so it doesn't have that dry chalky feeling that kids often push back on. I'll even ask my kids to put sunscreen on me. Here's the reframe. Sunscreen doesn't have to be a power struggle. It's a chance for your kid to have some agency. You can get 15 % off Pipette's full line of SPF products with the code goodinsidespf at pipettebaby.com.

13:36One thing I notice with parents all the time and honestly with myself too is how often we all just feel depleted. I mean parenting asks a lot of us. We're making decisions all day, navigating big feelings and keeping everything moving. It's draining. I want to tell you something I do that both helps me stay hydrated, but honestly also feels like a form of self-care. I always have an Element drink mix in my bag. Instead of just carrying snacks from my kids, I go to this when it's 3 p.m., 4 p.m., 8 a.m. and I'm tired and it's something for me that helps me feel taken care of and honestly makes me feel better.

14:11Element is a zero sugar electrolyte drink mix that helps support hydration without the sugar and artificial ingredients you'll find in so many sports drinks. It is truly part of my daily routine and it makes a difference. If you want to try it, Element is offering a free eight count sample pack of their most popular flavors with any purchase. Just go to drinkelement.com slash good inside.

14:39So we know separation struggles look different for deeply feeling kids than other kids. And I know you had a difficult experience with your own deeply feeling kid going to preschool. I was wondering, would you share a little more about that? Yeah, you know, it's so interesting as I've talked to so many parents of deeply feeling kids. And again, I know you know this, but deeply feeling kids, they are. They're kids who feel things more deeply. They experience the world in a more intense way. they take more in. And so they get filled up more quickly. And then when it all comes out, it comes out more intensely.

15:09Right. They also they're just like amazing perceivers of the world. They know this is new. They know. Hey, I don't know that adult. You're telling me who the teacher is. And all these other kids are like, oh, teacher, you look nice. I don't know who that woman is. I don't know who that dude is. I'm not trusting that person right away. There's something amazing about those kids. You're like, you are on to something. You are correct. Hold on to that For when you're older. Exactly. And so not surprisingly for me with my DFK, and I honestly think every single parent I know who has a DFK would say their arc just looks different.

15:40Yes, there's more clinginess. There's more tears. Like there's more protests. There's more swinging. Today was great. The next morning, I'm not going to school ever again. You're like, what just happened? It's like a little bit of whiplash. And so to me, and I know you know this, when we remove the surprise, both for our kids, but for ourselves, like, OK, I have a deeply feeling kid. They're always more attuned to transition and separation. School is separation and transition. Like some kids take longer to learn how to swim. Some kids take longer to separate smoothly. Like kids who take longer to learn how to swim can still be great swimmers.

16:18Kids who take longer to separate smoothly can still have a great year. Right. But when I really dug deep, not just to tactics and scripts, but to deeply understanding and kind of then knowing what to expect. I think that's the thing that gave me the sturdiness. Something that I love you say that relates this a bit is that resistance is part of your kid's arc. Yes. Can you tell more about that? Yeah. You know, I think so many times we see resistance for school. So DFKs, non-DFKs, I'm not going to school today. And again, we do a fast forward error. Oh, my kid's never going to school. They're not going to school today.

16:52They're not going to school tomorrow. I'm going to have to quit my job and I'm never going to have a life. And I didn't plan to homeschool my kid. I guess I'm homeschooling my kid now. Where do I get the curriculum? And really, like all of that happened and your kid is still in bed. Okay, so this is a moment of resistance. Here's how I like to think about it. The truth is we all have multiple parts of us. Like if you talk to me in the morning before I got out of bed, if I was in my most mature state, what I would say to you is part of me doesn't want to go to work today. Part of me wants to stay in bed and watch Netflix all day.

17:27It's actually a really big part of me. It's a loud part. Yeah. And there's another part of me that's looking forward to the day, even though it's more kind of long term thinking. That would be very sophisticated. I don't know a lot of adults who say a part of me X and a part of me Y. But that is true. I have resistance to getting out of bed and going to work. As an adult, I figured out how to make sense of that and work through that. I talk to myself. We have our routines. We have better emotion regulation. We can plan. Our prefrontal cortex is more developed. All the things. Not our kids. So when I hear a kid say, I'm not going to school today, I know about the fast forward error if I catch myself.

18:04I can remind myself, hold on a second. This is a moment of resistance. This is my kid's resistant part. Do I really expect my four-year-old or even my 14-year-old to say, you know, mom, a part of me doesn't want to go to school today. Kind of wish I could just stay in bed. Like, if that happened, I'd be like, I literally have the most emotionally mature child in the world. I think I should get a prize. But when a kid says I'm not going to school, I think what's underneath that is a part of me doesn't want to go to school. But we respond on the surface. We take the bait. we either fast forward and panic or we just double down like oh you are going to school which makes anyone's resistant part act out more oh i'm not going and i kind of feel like this part of the kid is like i was just trying to tell you a part of me doesn't want to go to school why did you have to blow this whole thing up and make me yeah like please chill and so yes that idea of resistance.

19:01It's not a sign that your kid isn't cooperating. It's actually just part of the kind of cooperation transition process. It's like just a part of the road. Like we all want the road to be straight. I get my kid out of bed. They do the next step. They breakfast. They put on their shoes. They go to school. Okay. Not my house for any of my kids. If you think about the road as a little curvier, then the curvy part is just the resistance. And if we don't make so much out of it and we don't latch on to it, we don't stop our kid there. And they often, you know, keep going. So you don't take the bait. And then what do you do?

19:38I mean, there's so many different things we can do. And there's and this is where I think understanding your kid, like for me, my deeply feeling kid is very different from my youngest, like my kind of like resilient rebel type kid. I think step one is my favorite strategy in the world doing nothing that is definitely I think a go-to response and I'll just act that out I'm not going to school today and for anyone who wants to know what I was just doing I did nothing okay that's what I just did if you wanted to see it if I wanted to see it it's on YouTube you can see what doing nothing looks like major major take notes but the thing about doing nothing is what it really requires you to do is do something inside.

20:20Take a deep breath. Remind yourself it's not an emergency. Right. Don't fast forward. OK, so just do nothing. And then what's so interesting is this kind of becomes a formula. I'm not going to school today. You do nothing. Your kid will say this. Did you hear me? I'm not going. And then you can say, I heard you. You're not latching on to it. You're not ignoring it. You're just like I haven't pictured. I'm just like watch it go by. I'm not going to school today is like thrown up in the air. I'm not going to use all my energy to swat it down because I'm not scared of it, but I'm also not going to ignore it.

20:52It's just like coming at me. And again, if you can watch on YouTube, I'm a little like, oh, there you go. Right. And then I just think you move the routine along like you're not rejecting it or attaching it. Oh, well, you still need breakfast. Do you want a bagel? Oh, do you want yogurt or this? Oh, either way. You know, do you want water bottle with ice or no ice? Like you're you're just a little unimpressed, you know, but without being rude. Right. You're kind of you're not getting stuck in that moment. You're just showing an option out of the moment for your kid to take. That's not the power struggle.

21:20It's not that you're doing this. It's kind of like, oh, that's what it is. Like, and I often think in these moments, I'm not going to school today. I'm not doing my soccer team anymore. And you're like, my kid loves soccer. I feel like what my kid's saying to me is like, do you want to attend this power struggle party? I'm inviting you to. Let me tell you about it. I'm going to say something intense and then you're going to say something intense and then we're going to escalate and get more intense and both say things we actually do not mean. And then we're going to end up yelling at each other and both feeling awful.

21:48Like, I just like I'm an adult. Like, yeah, like, first of all, I've been to that party with not just you, with lots of people in my life. It's not that fun. OK, and you're going to continue to invite me because you're a kid. But as an adult, it is my job to continue RSVPing. No, not with rudeness, not how dare you invite me. Just like, no, that's not a party I'm going to attend. And I'm going to lightly steer us to something that we're both going to enjoy a little bit more. So we know a lot of parents dread drop off, especially that first day. Maybe it's pre-K, kindergarten, first grade, even third.

22:23Dropping off your kid when they're crying, they're melting down, they're clinging to you. What would you say to a parent in that moment if you could whisper in your ear? First of all, I just want to say how my body feels remembering some of those drop offs with different ones of my kids. It is so painful. It's so real. I mean, you love the heck out of your kid. And no matter like how many things you've read or how many good inside mantras you've like told yourself, okay, my job is not to make my kid happy. My job is to be sturdy through the turbulence, not avoid the turbulence. Me too. It doesn't take away the pain.

23:04It's so painful. So I guess what would I whisper? A couple things. I've been there too. I'm right here with you. Good parents have kids who cry at drop-off. Your kids' tears are not a barometer for whether you did a good job. your kids tears are not even a good indicator of whether they're going to have a good day and then what i would say is i hope you have something planned after because the way we do need some connection and community and release self-care right after this kind of moment that disguises itself as an easy moment with a no name drop off sounds so simple is such a full heart, full body, full energy moment that the letdown is real.