My Number One Job as a Parent Is Not to Make You Happy

0:00I've been traveling a lot lately for my book tour, which means airports, rental cars, doing bedtime over FaceTime, and having some of the most meaningful conversations with parents. And every time I'm on a trip like this, I think about how much coordination it takes to step away from everyday life, even just for a couple of days. I know for so many families, when you do travel for work or for fun, it can feel good to know your home isn't sitting empty while you're gone. Because while you're away, you could be hosting your home on Airbnb and earning some extra income to put toward future travel.

0:32Okay, Becky, that sounds great, but I cannot take on one more thing. I get it, truly. And that's exactly where Airbnb's co-host network comes in. You can hire a vetted local co-host to take care of the hosting for you. A co-host can create your listing, manage reservations, message guests, and even provide design and styling. It just makes everything feel a little more manageable. If you've ever considered hosting, but you need a little help, find a co-host at airbnb.com slash host.

1:10Over and over, I hear the same thing from parents. Dr. Becky, I can't say no to my kid. And I know part of my role is to say no to my kid or set boundaries for my kid. And I know it's not good for my kid to be happy all the time, but whatever I know in my brain does not come up in my body in the moment my kid makes a request and I need help saying no. Okay. This is seriously one of my favorite topics. And so many of you submitted scenarios and questions. And I just want to say thank you. I want to let you know you're not alone. I want to say you're so brave to look at something and say, this is hard for me.

1:50How amazing. That's always the first step of change. And that's also the hardest steps. You already did that. And so we are going to hear from three parents today who share scenarios that I know are happening in your home as well. And then we're going to problem solve together. So if you're a parent who struggles to say no, which by the way, comes from a good reason, and we're going to get into that. I promise you're going to end today with concrete strategies that are going to feel good to start experimenting with in your home. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be right back.

2:28One thing I see over and over with parents is just how much we're carrying. The data backs this up. Most parents spend nearly every waking hour focused on someone else. So if you feel exhausted, stretched thin, or like your brain never really shuts off, that makes complete sense. I've seen how powerful it can be when families have more support. When parents have trusted caregivers, the mental load lightens, and they're actually able to be more present. Not because they're doing more, but because they're not doing it all alone. Care.com makes it easier to find trusted, background-checked caregivers, whether that's support for a newborn, before or after school help, or even care for an aging parent.

3:08You can search by experience, read reviews, and find support in a way that feels safer and more intentional than social media or word of mouth alone. And do you know that you can find activities, camps, and daycare on Care.com too? For a limited time, you can use the code GOOD35 to save 35 % on a Care.com premium membership. Because when you have support, you can show up as your best self for the people who need you. Parents make so many decisions every day. What's for dinner? Where are the shoes? Did anyone brush their teeth? It feels like it never stops. So anytime something small can become a fun routine instead of a decision, it makes a real difference.

3:48It's why I love what Haya does with kids' vitamins. The first box comes with a refillable bottle kids decorate with stickers. So taking their vitamins becomes something they look forward to, not something you have to remind them about. The vitamins themselves are chewable, not gummy, with no artificial dyes and zero sugar. And they're packed with essential nutrients to support growing bodies. And refills show up at your door. which means one less decision and a big win for you. If you want a healthier option your kids will actually be excited about, use the code DrBecky for 50 % off your first order at HayaHealth.com.

4:32So on the topic of having a hard time saying no, something I hear a lot is picking my battles. I know I should pick my battles. Do I ever pick battles? Do I let every battle go? Do I surrender? How do we pick our battles? And how do we know when to draw the line? So on that note, let's hear from Eileen. Hi, I have a hard time saying no to my kids, partly because I feel like, well, it's not that big a deal. It's, you know, picking my battles and also wanting them to feel like they're heard and that their wants are valued. And then I oftentimes say yes when they just kind of, they see me faltering and then they just kind of go ahead with whatever they want, which has created a house full of, or lack of boundaries, I should say, therefore causing distress.

5:26So those are some of my worries and struggles with saying no to my kids. All right. I think we can all see ourselves in Eileen. So Eileen, thank you for voicing something that all of us struggle with. And at times I've struggled with this too. There's two different parts I want to pull out that are just ringing really loudly for me about what you said. I'm going to say them and then jump into each. My kids, I want them to feel like they're heard and that their wants are valued. Amazing. So I'm so glad you said that. And there's actually a nugget in there that's going to really help us. The other side of it is you said my kids kind of, quote, see me faltering.

6:05And there's something there that's completely human. and there's also gonna be something useful in looking into that. So let's start with the first. I want my kids to feel heard. I want them to feel like their wants are valued. Yes. What I wanna do right now is I want everyone, assuming you're not driving, to put your hands out in front of you and separate them. And I want you to look at one hand. And I want you to say, I want my kids to know that they're heard and their wants are valued. That's one hand. Okay, now I want you to look at the other hand and what's key is to make the other hand far away from your first hand.

6:40That hand is I'm saying yes or I'm saying no. Now, the reason this is important is on some level, we've conflated two things. We've started to believe that in order to make my kids know that they're heard and that their wants are valued, that for me is my right hand, that means I have to say yes with my left hand. And all of a sudden, my hands are together. Like, I have to say yes, because I want my kids to know that they're heard and that their wants are valued. Again, we're going to separate the hands. This is so powerful and important. And remind yourself, these are two very, very different things.

7:19Yes, it's important to help my kids feel like their wants and needs are valued. And that actually is independent. I mean that. That is independent from saying yes or no in any given situation. In fact, I would argue it almost becomes dangerous for our kids to conflate being valued with getting what they want. Being valued and feeling seen with hearing a yes. Because we want to prepare our kids for adulthood where they know there are many moments. Most of my moments in adulthood when I'm going to feel cared and respected and loved and valued are actually not going to be the times I get what I want.

8:01I need to figure out a way to feel valued and respected and loved even when someone I care about is saying no. And so if we want our kids to become adults who can separate those two things, we need to start separating those things now or else we create completely unrealistic relationship patterns for our kids and expectations for how the world works. I don't think any of us would want a partner who says, I want to choose where we go to dinner tonight. right? And if someone said, oh, I don't really want to go out to dinner tonight. I'm feeling sick. And our partner said, what? Well, if you cared about my wants and values, you would go out to dinner with me even when you're sick.

8:43And I know that seems far away from our young kids, but it's actually not because these patterns transfer. We want someone to be able to say, oh, you do care about my desire to go out to dinner and you have something going on and you're unable to join me. I get both of those things at once. Those are two different things. So I think knowing that is important. Now, how do we help our kid feel seen and valued if we don't say yes? That actually comes down to just saying it to our kids in different ways. Hey, I know you want to watch another TV show. I get that that matters to you. I hear you. And it's bedtime, right?

9:22Or, oh, you really want that t-shirt. I get it. All the kids in your class have that t-shirt and you really want it. I know that that matters and I believe you it stinks to be the only kid who doesn't have it. And buying it right now isn't an option, right? So what I'm actually separating from my kids is hugely important for adult life skills. I feel wanted and seen and valued even when I don't get what I want. Because if we do conflate feeling wanted and valued with getting what we want, we actually set our kid up to be fairly entitled in the world. And that's not what we want. Now, the one last thing I want to touch on is they see me faltering.

10:09I have so much more to say about this, and maybe we'll get to it later in the episode. If not, if you haven't seen all the stuff I say about boundaries and sturdy leadership, this is it because you're absolutely right. Our kids smell our ambivalence. They know. My parents are about to say something, and they don't even believe it themselves. And then we tell ourselves the story of, oh, they're taking advantage of me, but they're not. It would be like being in a plane and hearing a pilot say, we're going to make an emergency landing. Actually, actually, I don't know. Well, should we? Maybe we should.

10:39I don't know. What do you guys think? Right? I would definitely freak out on a plane, not because I'm trying to, quote, take advantage of my pilot, but just because I feel their lack of sturdiness. So how a kid responds to our boundary setting is in large part related to how much they feel our sturdiness or our own confusion or faltering. And so you're absolutely right. And the best news is that's something I love helping parents with is going from faltering to confident and sturdy. So I can totally get you covered in that domain. Okay, here's another scenario I want to explore. I feel like I'm always saying no to my kid.

11:23I feel like I'm always saying no because my kid is asking for things all the time. So my struggle to say no exists within that dynamic for a kid who seems to be asking for a million different wants. All right, let's hear from Megan. Dr. Becky, yes, I struggle to say no to my kid. here's why I feel like I'm always saying no to my kid she is deeply feeling she's six and a half she has a ton of questions a ton of requests a ton of demands when she wakes up she asks if she can watch her iPad when we get in the car she asks for me to play her a song she's constantly asking for snacks and to play this and to play that and will I play with her and can we walk down the street so she can ride her bike.

12:12And the list of requests from her all day long is endless. And I can't say yes to every single one. And I feel like I'm constantly saying no. I try to say yes when I can. I do say yes when I can, but I say no a lot. And I try to couch it in like, no, we can't do that right now, but we can do that later. Or no, we can't do that or have that right now, but here's what you can have. And she's deeply feeling and she gets tired of hearing no. And sometimes it turns into a massive power struggle. And so my thought process, I feel myself tense up every time she asks for something. I anticipate, here comes the ask.

12:57I'm probably going to want to say no for a hundred reasons. It's not practical right now. It's not healthy. I'm doing something else. I'm trying to maintain my sanity, etc. And she's going to have a big fat reaction to it. And then I'm going to have to deal with it. That is the cycle. Megan, first of all, I'm giving you a virtual hug. I've been there myself. I have a deeply feeling kid. I think you know that. But I want to say it again, because all of my thoughts around these kids not only come from research and from my work in private practice, but from my very on the ground life with my own deeply feeling kid, because I feel like that lived experience really matters.

13:39And I just want to say, I believe you. I believe your kid asks for more things and has more intense tantrums and is harder to calm down. And most deeply feeling kids, when they're really upset, on the surface, they reject help. Get away from me, get out of my room, even though they actually need us to be there. So it's this kind of complicated dance. So all this to say, I hear it. I've been there myself. My deeply feeling kid is now older. So I want to let you know from all the kind of deeply feeling kid approach stuff I've done, your kid, I know if you're doing the same thing, is going to get out of it.

14:10So I want to give you that hope. Okay, the thing I want to pull out most from what you said is I feel myself tense up every time she asks for something. Now, of course, that's a totally normal reaction, especially maybe you're in public or like on a play date. You're like, oh my goodness, right? Is the meltdown coming? But the thing I want to give you that really matters is family jobs. And here's why. We think we tense up in a situation because we're anticipating our kids' meltdown or difficult reaction. I want to consider this idea as true, just as an experiment. We actually tense up in a situation not because of our kids' anticipated behavior, but because we don't have clarity on what our job is in the moment.

15:01And when you have clarity on what your job is, even in a difficult moment, you don't tense up. You actually kind of activate like, oh, I'm about to flex my job. Watch me do my job, right? So what is our job? This is so foundational. In any family system, definitely with a deeply feeling kid, okay, because family jobs are almost that much more important, a parent has two main jobs. We set boundaries and boundaries are limits that we decide on that we believe are good for our kids. Often they're about safety. Sometimes they're about a kid's long-term interest. Sometimes a boundary is something we set.

15:42It's a limitation because we think I just don't have the energy to kind of have another kid at my house for a play date. And I know I'm going to turn into a version of a parent I don't want to be. So I'm actually setting that boundary for everyone's benefit. That's a boundary. So that's one of our jobs. We set boundaries. Why? Because we're the adult. It's true. I have deep respect for kids and I don't want to make it clear. They're not the pilot. You are the pilot and pilots set boundaries because you're in a position of authority, not authority. You're going to abuse true parental authority.

16:09Now you have another job and your other job is connecting to, understanding, kind of in essence, validating your kids' feelings. And here's why those two jobs kind of often work in tandem. If you have a kid like any of my kids, you set a boundary, your kid does not say, thank you. I feel so safe with you. You're such a sturdy leader. I can see you're working on boundary setting. Mom, so proud of you. High five. That will never happen. You set a boundary and only one thing will happen. Your kid will freak out. Why? Because when we set boundaries, we're inherently stopping our kid from getting something they want.

16:44And that is just a really hard human state. So we set a boundary and in your head, Megan, I actually want you to think, check one. I did one part of my job. I did 50 % of my job already. That's kind of amazing. Now, it just happens to be that my kid's melting down, but that's not a reflection of me doing my job. I know what my job is. So my reflection of doing my job is doing my job, not my kid's reaction to doing my job. Okay? Now my kid, ironically, is actually going to do their job. And maybe we'll talk about this, but I actually have the belief that kid's job is to have feelings and reactions because that's the only way they can learn coping skills to have more moderate and safer versions of feelings and reactions.

17:28Okay, so they have this feeling and reaction is going to be messy. And then you can do the other part of your job, which is validating your kid's feelings, which especially for a deeply feeling kid often comes down to three words. I believe you. That's it. But here's the cycle. And I want to go over in order. When our kid is on the verge of a meltdown, or we just know we're making a decision that they're not going to like, but we believe it's right. We do our job. We set a boundary. A kid does their job. They have feelings. We do the second part of our job. We validate their feelings. And then guess what, Megan?

18:00We go back to step one. We continue to hold the boundary. They continue to have a feeling. We continue to validate the feeling while holding the boundary. It's three steps. We set a boundary. Our kid has a reaction. We validate that reaction while holding the boundary. Here's why this matters so much. Unconsciously, most of us think that our job is to stop our kids' feelings or to control our kids' feelings so they actually feel happy with us. And then we have what is called job confusion. Let's go back to the flight. I'm just a lover of all pilot metaphors. Imagine going through intense turbulence.

18:37And what the pilot was saying to themselves is, I have to have everyone sit down and buckle up and I have to suspend drink service and oh, I just hope all the passengers are happy. I hope no one's mad. My job is to make sure nobody is mad when I tell them this. I mean, Megan, me and you would be like, oh my goodness, really? That's what my pilot is focusing on? That's not my pilot's job. And if you have a sturdy pilot, in a way, they're not that concerned with your reaction because they're actually concerned about something bigger for you, your safety. So they do their job of making this announcement, passengers would do their job of saying, oh, it's so annoying.

19:17I'm not going to get my pretzels. And maybe a pilot would say, oh, I know it's annoying. We're supposed to start drinking snack service. You must be hungry. I'm so sorry. But that doesn't mean I'm changing the seatbelt sign. I then go back to step one of holding my boundary. With this framework, the reason this changes so much is that the essence of your question is I think what's really going on in your struggle to say no is a lack of clarity of your job. And so that's something I want you to repeat over and over. I have two jobs, boundaries and validation. My job is not to make my kid happy.

19:54My job is not to end their meltdown. And I promise you when you're more centered and have more conviction in your job, which will take time, it's like anything else. It's a practice. It's not going to happen overnight. I promise you your kids' reactions to your no's are going to change because they feel your sturdiness. They feel your edge. And so that's where I would really focus.

20:23One thing I see over and over with parents is just how much we're carrying. The data backs this up. Most parents spend nearly every waking hour focused on someone else. So if you feel exhausted, stretched thin, or like your brain never really shuts off, that makes complete sense. I've seen how powerful it can be when families have more support. When parents have trusted caregivers, the mental load lightens, and they're actually able to be more present, not because they're doing more, but because they're not doing it all alone. Care.com makes it easier to find trusted, background-checked caregivers, whether that's support for a newborn, before or after school help, or even care for an aging parent.

21:04You can search by experience, read reviews, and find support in a way that feels safer and more intentional than social media or word of mouth alone. And do you know that you can find activities, camps, and daycare on care.com too? For a limited time, you can use the code GOOD35 to save 35 % on a care.com premium membership. Because when you have support, you can show up as your best self for the people who need you. Parents make so many decisions every day. What's for dinner? Where are the shoes? Did anyone brush their teeth, it feels like it never stops. So anytime something small can become a fun routine instead of a decision, it makes a real difference.

21:43It's why I love what Haya does with kids' vitamins. The first box comes with a refillable bottle kids decorate with stickers. So taking their vitamins becomes something they look forward to, not something you have to remind them about. The vitamins themselves are chewable, not gummy, with no artificial dyes and zero sugar. And they're packed with essential nutrients to support growing bodies. And refills show up at your door, which means one less decision and a big win for you. If you want a healthier option your kids will actually be excited about, use the code DrBecky for 50 % off your first order at HayaHealth.com.

22:28okay the last thing i want to talk about is how our struggle to say no to our kid connects with our desire to raise independent capable kids because here's something i know about most parents. They would say, when my kid is 18, when my kid's 38, when my kid's 78, however old they are when they're out of my house, I want them to feel capable. I want them to feel strong. I want them to feel like they can both ask for help, because that's healthy, and rely on themselves for help. They can do both, right? Well, how does that wish for the future relate to the dynamics around saying no to our kid when they're younger, which are the years when all the circuitry is forming that will then play out in their later years.

23:21Okay, this might make a lot more sense when we hear from Allison. So Allison, let's get started. Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Allison and I have a hard time saying no to my six-year-old and eight-year-old. I want to be able to meet their needs and their wants to know that I love them, that they're cared for, that they're in a stable, healthy situation. But it comes to the point where I feel like I am being taken advantage of by my kids. And I know that they are not doing it intentionally to be malicious. It's just what they are. For example, I will be sitting in my couch in the living room. My daughter will be sitting in the kitchen eating a snack.

24:07And she will ask me, Mommy, can you throw away this wrapper for me? I would have to get up from the couch, pick up the wrapper from her, walk around her to go to the other side of the kitchen to throw it away when it would be immensely easier for her to just walk the 10 steps to throw it away herself. But since I am sitting on the couch, not really doing anything in particular, I don't really reason to have to say no, except for it's slightly inconvenient for me and it makes more sense for her to do it. But I get up and do it because I want to reinforce that asking questions and asking for help is okay.

24:48And I can always, in my mind, justify meeting their needs over my needs, unfortunately. All right, Allison, I have about three hours of things I want to say to you. Not because this is such a huge problem, but because you pinged on so many different things that I think are so important. So I'm going to try to organize what I'm seeing now as like the most important things. Something I want to pull out for you. I don't really have a reason to say no, except for it's slightly inconvenient for me and it makes more sense for my kid to do it. I just want to tell you, that is always for me my biggest, most compelling reason for saying no.

25:25So it's interesting that the same thing is kind of inconvenient for me, and it makes more sense for someone else to do it. I actually think that's often the best reason we ever have for saying no. So one of the things I'd ask you to reflect on, and you kind of hinted at it when you said, I can always justify meeting their needs over my needs. And then you added, unfortunately, is what's my relationship with my own needs? on a scale of zero to 10, zero meaning the least important thing in the world, 10 meaning the most important thing in the world, where would I assess kind of the rating of how I relate to my own needs?

25:59Are they closer to a zero or closer to a 10? And based on what you're saying, it sounds like they're, I don't know where exactly, but I would say they're closer to the zero than the 10. And then saying no to your kid isn't actually that much about saying no to your kid as much as it might be about saying yes to your own needs. So that's something I just want you to think about. I should also say that this is a chronic struggle for parents and yes, especially for moms. So many of us have learned growing up, our value is around serving others. Our value is around distancing ourselves from our own needs because actually if we knew what we needed and if we dared to speak up for it, we might be inconvenient to other people and maybe we were most valuable to them when we just fit into their system and attuned to their needs and took care of them the whole time.