Revisit: Surviving Holiday Travel with Kids

0:08I remember the first time I got on a plane with two kids under the age of four. And nobody told me what I think I probably needed to hear to be a little bit more prepared. And I think one of the reasons nobody told me is I was one of the first ones of my group of friends to have kids. And so actually people were saying, oh, it's going to be amazing. They're going to love the plane. All these things that I would seriously never say to someone. And I went in with the best intentions. I mean my snack box that I packed, my coloring books, my removable stickers. I was like, this is going to be four hours of fun.

0:49That's not what happened. It's definitely not what happened. And I think part of the reason that first flight was, I don't even know how to say it in a better way, just so awful, okay, was how different the reality was from my expectations. I mean, there might have been a moment of fun. I mean, I can't remember it. Maybe there was one spark of a moment of that, but mostly it was difficult and totally different from flying without children. Today, I want to talk about traveling with kids because it's something that a lot of us do. And while it is so challenging, there also are some things we can do to just make it a little bit easier.

1:36And that's what I want to make sure I give you today. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this.

1:59All right. So today we're going to talk about travel. And this is a topic that I received so many questions about, so many great questions. So I'm going to go through three of them and let's start by jumping into the first. Okay. I'm feeling pretty nervous about our upcoming trip. It'll be our first time flying with kids who are two and four. They do okay on car rides, but the idea of being on a plane stresses me out, especially when I think about having meltdowns in the airport and during the flight and the reactions of other passengers. Do you have any advice? How can I travel with my kids without all this stress?

2:39Okay, here's the first thing I want to say, and to me, this extends so beyond travel. We set ourselves up for more stress when we ask ourself any question that has this formula. How can I do X without Y? How can I travel without stress? How can I travel with my girlfriends without my kids without feeling guilt? Whatever it is. How can I do X without Y? How can I go on a flight with my kids without them having a meltdown as an example, right? And actually the most powerful intervention is to just ask ourselves a different question. Whenever we feel really stressed, a big reason is we are asking ourselves the wrong questions.

3:32We're asking ourselves impossible questions that no one has the answer to. So I want to do something that I often do with parents. I call upgrading the question. Okay, I'm going to upgrade this question. How can I travel with my kids without stress? watch this upgrade. How can I travel with my kids and manage my stress? So instead of, how do I go on a flight with my kids without them having a meltdown? How can I go on a flight with my kids and do whatever I can to reduce the likelihood of meltdowns while also being prepared for the inevitable meltdowns that will happen? If you notice these shifts, instead of feeling, I know for me, kind of constricted and I'm like racking my brain, they really get me back in touch with my capability.

4:21On second, I'm an adult. I felt stress a million times in my life. Why do I have to not feel stress on the airplane? I'm going to feel stress. Maybe I don't have to be scared of that. I can think about how to manage it. Wait, my kids have had meltdowns most days of their toddler lives. That's normal. Instead of crossing my fingers and hoping they don't have a meltdown on a plane. Maybe there's a few things I can do to reduce the likelihood, but also maybe I can prepare myself to be the sturdiest leader I can be when my kids have a meltdown during the flight. Two things are true. We don't have to do one thing without another thing.

5:03This mindset is so important to shift. So let's talk about those meltdowns on the plane. First of all, it's always helpful to tell kids what to expect. To some degree, kids melt down because they're like, what's happening to me? Where am I? Where am I going? I mean, think about that. Think about someone dragging you to an airport and putting you on a plane and buckling you in and you having no idea what's happening. I don't know about you. I would have a meltdown. I mean, I would feel like I was under threat. And if someone said, why are you freaking out? I'd say, why am I freaking out? I am trying to survive here.

5:40What are you doing to me? So talk to your kids about what's going to happen. That is so important. Second, what do I do if my kid has a meltdown? Look, the truth is we don't end meltdowns for our kids. That's like someone saying, if there's a tornado, how can I end it as quickly as possible? What would you tell your friend? I think I'd tell my friend, I feel like we're asking the wrong question. What is your job during a tornado? Okay. And then they'd be like, oh, I probably have to get somewhere safe. Okay. What is your job during a tantrum? Your job is never to end a tantrum or meltdown. Your job is to keep your body as calm as possible and to keep your kid safe.

6:21That means you stop them from kicking a seat, you stop them from scratching the passenger next to them, but it's going to happen. And that's okay. Here's the last thing I want to leave you with. You know, sometimes I think about the good inside community and I actually do imagine that strangers surrounding me in a public situation are actually all either, you know, good inside members. They're good inside kind of movement makers, but they're kind of part of the good inside world. And so they kind of get what's happening. And I almost imagine that if my kid's having a hard time, they're looking at me and just saying, I get it.

7:02Don't worry. Do your thing. We've all been there. Don't worry about us, right? Every person remembers, I hope at least, the first time they took their kids on a plane, right? And it was hard. It's new. It's different. It's stressful. I think if you shift from, oh my goodness, is everyone judging me, which is just a fear. It's not a fact. To, oh my goodness, maybe everyone understands. You're going to be able to better manage your stress. Okay, next question. My five-year-old never sleeps anytime we leave the house. Whether we're traveling to family we visit or staying in a new place, sleep becomes such a problem.

7:46And when he doesn't sleep, then there's more meltdowns or so much crankiness, and then I don't sleep. Any tips? Okay. First, I just want to say, this stinks. Like when our kids aren't sleeping, which maybe some of you are thinking, my kid just doesn't sleep separate from travel. So this is just a chronic problem. Sleep struggles, I just think for me, at least, they were some of the worst struggles because I was just exhausted. So any tank I had to manage the day-to-day of parenting life, it was just always lower because I wasn't sleeping, right? And then you travel. Maybe you're visiting family and you want to have a good time with them.

8:25Maybe you're like paying for somewhere to stay and you're thinking, oh my goodness, I'm paying and now I'm like up with my kid. It stinks. I just want to validate it stinks. Why do kids have such a hard time sleeping in new places? this is actually the essence of what I want to explain because it'll help so much to understand it. Sleep struggles are not unique struggles. They're not like their own category of struggles. Sleep struggles are anxiety and separation struggles. Because during sleep, your kids separate from you. We don't think about it that way. We often think about separation as like, I'm dropping my kid at daycare, right?

9:01But if you think about daycare, okay, well, I'm dropping my kid at daycare with other adults, with other kids, in a room with toys and it's bright. Now I'm thinking about separating from my kid at night. They're in a room, maybe staying somewhere they've never been. They're alone, without an adult, without other kids, in the dark. And by the way, instead of daycare, which is, I don't know, four hours, eight hours, sleep is like 12 hours. It's also longer. It's major separation. And kids have anxiety about that. They get nervous. Now, to be clear, kids at night don't say, hey, mom, I'm feeling a little nervous sleeping in a new room.

9:40No. Kids say, I need another book. Wait, I'm still hungry. Wait, you can't leave my room. Wait, I feel like we have to make an appointment at the dentist. Wait a second. I don't think I checked my rock collection. They will say anything. Those kids are smart. But really what's happening is they're feeling anxious. so what can we do one big thing we can do is very similar to the guidance I gave in the first question we have to prepare our kid try to get a picture of the room your kid is sleeping in before they get there look at it together talk about it you can even make a guessing game oh I wonder what color the wall is going to be oh do you think there'll be one pillow on the bed or two pillows okay think about that now your kid gets to this room and instead of it being new it's familiar and there's play around it.

10:28Ooh, mom, you thought there was one pillow. There's two pillows. I was right. Ooh, we thought there would be a blue wall. It's actually a red wall, whatever it is. My kid's now engaging in their space. So when they do go to bed, instead of it feeling completely new and unexpected, it feels familiar, which always feels more comfortable.

11:01okay next question we're traveling to a family member's house for the holidays and I am dreading a car ride I have two kids five and eight there are always so many fights he's touching me this is the best one right I love what the parent wrote she's looking out my window tell her to stop It drives me and my husband crazy. How do I make this stop? Okay. This is honestly one of the most common things I hear with siblings. It's like, yeah, sibling arguments are kind of an issue, but the stuff in the car is like out of control. Like, how do I manage when my kids even get physical, when they're screaming, when they're talking about what feels like nonsense to me, looking out my window, like, what are you even talking about when I'm trying to drive a car?

11:49So first thing I want to say is I have been there myself. It's just a good time to remind you all that like I play a good game as Dr. Becky, okay? Like as Dr. Becky, I feel like I have a lot of, you know, fairly intelligent things to say. Dr. Becky does not parent my kid. I would not wish that on my kids. My kids have Becky. I am a normal parent. I truly do have to like take some of my own advice, do some of my own workshops sometimes because I forget because I get triggered. And I know for me, the stuff in the car, it's so infuriating. And I just want us to understand that together first, because I think understanding our own triggers is helpful in staying grounded so we can even use the new strategies we learn.

12:30I think it's so triggering, honestly, because we feel so helpless. Like in the day-to-day of our lives outside the car, our kids are arguing we can jump in there, we can separate, we can do a lot of things. When you're driving, you're like, I literally am not there. Plus, it's like getting in my way of focus. And I'm like, do I have to pull over to the side of the road. And then we tell ourselves like in this situation, what? My kids are five and eight. I can't even drive somewhere. And then we fast forward, make up a whole story. My kids are never gonna be able to function as adults. And I have the worst kids in the world.

12:59Okay. My kids, when they were five and eight, still argued in the car. I mean, my kids are seven and nine and 12 right now. And there are still some moments when I have to pull over the car. Definitely way less. But this is part of family life. And I just really want you to know that. So at least you can tell yourself the story the next time. Wait, I'm not alone. I don't have awful kids. I'm not a failing parent. Everyone goes through this. I can do this. The other thing I want to say about this is, again, I think sometimes we ask ourselves questions that set ourselves up for failure and to feel awful.

13:41Dr. Becky, when my kids are hitting each other in the car and I'm driving, what can I do to make it stop? My honest answer, like not much, but I have more to say, okay? Not much. It's like saying, I remember this other question I got recently. I have three kids and the other day I was alone with all of them and my baby was crawling and I feel like about to fall off the couch and my other kid had a Sharpie near the wall and my other kid was screaming from the other side of the house, what would you do? And I was like, I literally don't know. I don't know. I just try to survive that moment. Like there is no magic we have.

14:13In a way, what we're saying is we're on a road and we get to some point where there's like a cliff and we're saying, how do I not fall off the cliff? Well, when you're teetering on the cliff, like there's not much you can do. You cross your fingers, right? Here's a better question. How can I get on a road that doesn't end in a cliff? And how can I start to recognize that I'm on a road that leads to a cliff and like exit before I get there? That is the type of question we have to ask with car travel. What do I mean? Instead of what do I do when my kids are fighting like crazy? Let's ask a different question that's really a different road that has a different destination.

14:52What can I do before my next car ride to build certain skills and have certain practice that my kids generally struggle with so there's less of a chance of that explosive argument. Now, I know, I honestly like roll my eyes a little bit. I'm like, what, I have to do something in advance? I don't have time. I don't have time. But if I think about the literal time it takes to pull over every two minutes to feel like you're not being safe, where you then yell at your kids, you make some threat, you don't follow through, you feel awful, you repair. I just think we forget that's a lot of time. It's just how we're used to spending our time.

15:31but I promise you it's actually more time. So what might I do? Hey, we have a car ride next week and it's a long one. Let's be honest. Car rides can be really hard. And I think one of the reasons they're hard is just, it's a little boring. You're in each other's space. We're probably also just used to like this kind of nature of an argument. I want to do this car right differently. And I believe we can. I believe in myself that I can stay calmer. And that's when I'd look both my kids in the eye and I'd say, and I believe in each of you. I believe you can keep your bodies to yourself. I believe we can even think of things that could be fun.

16:11And I believe we can figure out when things are starting to get hard, but don't get to the point where we're screaming. We're a team. Let's do this together. And then what would I do from there, like I'd brainstorm things. Okay, well, what could be fun? Kids, when they're brought in as a teammate instead of as an enemy, you better not do that in the car ride, right? When you're brought in as a teammate, kids generally want to be part of the conversation. They actually have good ideas. They're willing to brainstorm. They almost feel honored that you like brought them to the table in this way, right?

16:45Again, picture your boss saying in the meetings, you've been really disruptive. If you do that again, I'm not paying for your lunch next week. Okay. Versus think about your boss saying, there's been a lot of disruptions in the meeting, but look, we're on the same team. Let's talk for five minutes and just brainstorm how to work together so the meetings can run a little bit more smoothly. I mean, we'd all respond and actually probably have ideas. We even would get to the bottom of like why we were being disruptive in the first place. What might that mean? Well, you know, what's really interesting is this episode came right after one of maybe the longest thread in our kind of good inside community, the private community within our membership.

17:24And there are so many great ideas there. And I just want to read you a response because there we had a question that was basically the same as this question, where it was, there's always pinching, hitting in the car. This was with twins, right? But very, very similar. What do I do? And I just want to read you one of the responses. I'm going to read part of it. And I think every parent has first said, this is so tough and I've been there. This is exactly what I would say too. So two things that came up over and over, okay, is when the disruptive behavior begins first. This is key. First, this is when it's at a two out of 10.

18:02That's my area. You have to intervene then. We can't wait and ignore it because in a way, a kid's saying, is there a limit around here? Is anyone noticing? Do things have to escalate to further get my parents' attention? Intervene then and then. This woman wrote, channel your sturdy pilot, just like a sturdy pilot. There's the beginning of turbulence. And in that moment, pull to the side of the road. I know this sounds counterintuitive. I'm trying not to pull to the side of the road, but we actually want to get out of the habit of my kids get to a 10 out of 10, and then they get my attention by pulling to the side of the road.

18:39That's not what we want. Pull to the side of the road then. And this is what someone wrote that I thought was brilliant. I did this in silence for 30 seconds. There wasn't such intense arguing, so it wasn't dangerous. I didn't have to get to the back seat. I just pulled to the side of the road and sat in silence for 30 seconds. I breathed. I kind of said a mantra to myself and the kids got quiet. Before getting back on the road, turn to your kids and just say, I know car rides can be boring. Let's get back on track, okay? Again, same team. So different, I know, from what I usually do, but other people were saying, wow, I'm going to really try that.

19:27The next thing is just try to be preemptive. Explain to your kid, driving is a full-time job. You know how I always say my number one job is to keep you safe? Well, that's really relevant in the car. Driving is a job that takes your full attention to keep everyone safe in the car. And so what that means is for me to be safe, there has to be calm energy in the back. Again, doing this preemptively, explaining it to your kid rather than reacting to your kid, especially as if you've done what we talked about earlier, see what your kids want to do. Maybe they do want like a coloring book or they want something to hear for music or a certain podcast to listen to.

20:15Now, all of a sudden, I'm getting ahead of things. I'm making sure I'm on a road more toward peace than toward the cliff of really intense sibling arguments. All right, everyone. I just want to end by reminding you, travel's tricky with kids. This isn't a reason that you shouldn't travel. In fact, so many areas of parenting are tricky and we do it anyway. Having reasonable expectations, preparing your kids so they're not surprised, giving them what we always talk about at Good Inside, the most generous interpretation, and intervening with struggles early before they get to a 10 out of 10. That seems to be the theme of what's really helpful.

20:58I wish you all the luck in the world and all the joy and all the calm and all the sturdiness in your holiday travel ahead.

21:14Thank you for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast, or you could write me at podcast at goodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world. And you deserve resources and support so you feel empowered and confident for this very important job you hold. I'm so excited to share Good Inside membership. It's the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like-valued parents. it's game-changing and built for a busy parent who wants to make the most out of the few minutes they have one last thing before I let you go let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside I remain good inside