The Thoughts New Parents Don’t Say Out Loud

0:00There's a very specific kind of tired that comes with parenting. It's not just late nights. Oh no, it's the mental load, the early mornings, the constantly being needed or having someone sitting on your lap. And I know for me, sometimes I'll catch myself looking at my reflection and just think, this is not great. My eyes are telling the whole story of the last couple days. It's why I use Ula Henriksen's Banana Bright Plus Eye Cream. It's clinically crafted with gold-complexed vitamin C that instantly brightens tired eyes while visibly reducing dark circles, so you look more rested even when you're not.

0:34And I really appreciate that it's that simple. One small step in the morning that helps you feel a little more put together before you start taking care of everyone else. Because this isn't about perfection. It's about feeling like yourself in a demanding season. If you want to try it, use code DrBecky30 for 30 % off the Banana Bright Plus eye cream at ulahenrikson.com. For years at Good Inside, we focused on the huge changes that parents go through when they're learning to work with toddlers and young kids. But as anyone with an infant can tell you, the ground shifts hard before all that. in the third trimester, in the weeks with the newborn, in the stretches when everything feels bigger and closer to the surface than you expected and it all feels like it's going to be like that forever.

1:21And nobody prepared you for what's happening inside your body and inside your head. At Good Inside, we've started building something for that. The first piece is a new podcast called Rattled, a show for when New Parenthood shakes you. Every episode starts with a thought that doesn't quite make it into the group chat. Thoughts like, why don't I love this? I miss my old life. Why is this so boring? Why didn't anyone warn me about the fine print? And even, what if I hurt my baby? We name the thought, we sit with the guest who lived it, and we work it out together. And there is even more for new parents coming from Good Inside later this spring.

2:10And I'll tell you about it on the other end of today's episode. Today, I want to play you two excerpts, one from each of our first two rattled guests. First up, Caro Chambers. You may know her from her cookbook and her substack, What to Cook When You Don't Feel Like Cooking. She's a mom of four. And in this clip, she tells me about a 6.30 a.m. morning in Carmel, California, when she woke up and realized nobody told me this would happen.

2:46Tell me a little bit about who Caro Chambers was before your first baby. Ooh, okay. I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. That's who I was. I mean, chef's kiss about pre-child life. Okay. And at that point in your life, pre-motherhood, paint me a picture, like all the details, it doesn't even have to be the most representative of a moment before having kids where you're like, I felt really productive today. I feel really worthy. Like I got something done. Oh, great. Okay. So a worthy day pre-kids was like, I had a morning routine that I would actually stick to. Like, I used to set an alarm, you know, wake up, have a cup of coffee, exercise, get home.

3:30If I, like, was exercised, bathed, hair ready to go for the day by 9 a.m., I was like, I'm crushing. Like, this is, today will be the best day ever. And just to stick on that, how many reps do you think your body had of doing that and associating that with worth and productivity before you had a child. That's such a great, yeah. I mean, how old was I when I had my first kid? 29. I would say I started doing that like as a young professional living in New York City at 21. It was like, wake up, exercise, get showered, go to work. And yeah, so nine years of, yeah. So I'm going to make up nine times 300.

4:10Let's say you did 300 days. Nine times three is 20. This is like 2 ,700 reps of doing it. It probably going according to plan because there weren't that many variables. And then your body learning that was productivity and worth. I have a feeling we're going to circle back to that. Okay. Anything that you assumed would just come naturally when you became a mom? All of it. I am not like a big, Like, I'm not like a planner. I'm extremely opposite of type A. I just kind of roll with things as they come. And I remember this baby being here and like, I felt like a broken shell of a human, you know, like, my bladder was all messed up and my boobs were crazy and everything was so messed up in my own body that I remember just looking at this baby and being like, they're gonna let us take it home?

5:03like what I don't know how to do it like I don't know what to do with this thing or what it wants when it cries and I felt extremely overwhelmed by that at the beginning like there is so much that happens in your own body and that I had no idea about like I was like oh you have the baby and it hurts when you have the baby like I was like oh yeah you know you scream you get the baby out and then it's over no like you've only you know sometimes that is only just the beginning and that I had no idea about. So I don't, I think I felt so selfish in those first weeks because I thought about myself like all the time.

5:42Like I thought about, oh my gosh, why are my boobs so engorged? Why is this happening? Why is that happening? Am I ever going to pee normally again? Like, why do I keep peeing myself every time I laugh? Like, is any of this normal, normal, normal? And I had no idea that any of that was coming. So I think I pictured this cozy little bubble with a baby. And really, I ended up thinking about myself a lot. Yeah. Yeah, the baby was the subject. Yes, that's exactly it. No one told you to think about you. Yeah, that's exactly it. I imagined thinking about the baby all the time, having these cozy, cuddly moments with my husband and the baby.

6:12And yeah, it really felt like I thought about myself a lot more than I thought I thought I would have. I want to know if you can take a moment to think about a night, a morning, whatever it was, that's still now for that first child. You can still remember. Okay. Okay. So I'm a sleeper. Well, I was. I used to be a sleeper. I really slept in this morning, and I was like, I used to do this. I used to actually do this. All the weekends, I would really sleep in. And I remember very specifically, you know, once the newborn starts to kind of figure out when they want to wake up for the day, they go from just sleeping every two hours to having this moment where they actually open their eyes and they're awake for the day.

6:56And it's usually around, I don't know, I think two weeks. I remember at 6.30, this baby was awake and needed to be taken care of and attention. And I was like, oh, I've completely changed my life. I have completely... I did not think about the fact that I now... I don't just get to sleep if I want to sleep. And I don't just get to go to the gym if I want to go to the gym or whatever it is. I have this thing to take care of all the time. And I remember so specifically, it was when the baby woke up for the first time. Where were you? I was in Carmel, California, and I was in bed. And I so specifically remember, at first, you can always kind of nurse the baby back to sleep, you know?

7:38Or bottle the baby back to sleep. And then all of a sudden, I'd feed him, and he was still awake. And I was like, oh, no. Oh, this is a whole different beast. What am I supposed to do with you? I have to entertain you. And so you're in bed. It's dark outside? Oh, yeah. It's dark outside. It's winter. It's winter. But, okay, it's 6.30 in the morning. 6.30 in the morning. And you're not someone who's like the 6.30 rising shiner. No. No. And so even for the first two weeks, maybe there was a call out from your baby, but you're like half awake, half asleep, just like nursing back to bed, and then you kind of go back.

8:16It's like kind of, did that happen or not? It's like a little half conscious. Exactly. But this was different. This was different. This was like that moment when all of a sudden the baby stops being like this squawky newborn and starts being a baby. And like all of a sudden they are like awake, rise and shine for the day. And you're like, oh, I wasn't prepared for that. Yeah. We're here together now. And so if I, I don't even know if this is the right word, had a camera or like something recording inside your brain that first morning at 630 when this happened. When you're like, this is not going according to plan.

8:49Yeah. What am I hearing? What's the thought? Oh, well, I definitely remember having some very, like, big thoughts. Like, I remember thinking, like, I've completely changed my entire life and, like, no one really warned me that that was happening. Like, I definitely remember thinking, like, was I, you know, was I actually ready to do this? Like, was I ready to change, 100 % change my life, have somebody else depending on me all the time? But yeah, I definitely remember just thinking like, whoa, my full life has changed. And was I ready for this? And no one told me. Yeah. Like, I feel like I signed a contract without, like, there was some fine print in there.

9:29Yes, yes. Like, they snuck it in. Where was this? Yeah. Exactly. And just the language you just use really strikes me. Because when I think about, like, I picture, I remember, it's probably like three weeks in. um and I remember my sister-in-law coming into my room I was like you know feeding my baby and she was just like very innocently like how's it going it's like 4 p.m yeah and it was you know it was the fall so it was that 4 p.m like dread and I was like oh it's not good it's not good you know and she didn't she was younger than me didn't have kids and a little she's like oh okay I think then anticipate this conversation.

10:10But I picture my moment, which on the surface is different than your moment, but there's one moment where the stories you tell yourself are so big. Yeah. And am I cut out to do this? Do good parents feel this way? And I feel like that moment's truth felt like the forever truth. Like, I was gonna feel this way forever. That feeling in brand new motherhood is so terrifying and suffocating. It's the, like, I'm gonna feel this way forever. Yes. It also, it keeps going, right? Into toddlerhood. Like, oh, he's gonna act like a little dementor at dinner every single night. Like, those feelings continue, but there's none as raw as in brand new motherhood.

10:53When you're like, oh, I'm gonna feel like I'm not cut out for this, or whatever it is. Yeah. Or he's gonna scream at 4 p.m. every single night for 30 minutes forever. Yep. It feels so intense and suffocating. It is. Whenever I say that to a new parent around, like, the forever truth, they're like, I know. And that's why it feels so awful, I think, right? Because if something felt awful, but then your next thought was, but I won't feel like this forever. Like, you're like, oh, I'm immediately able to deal with it. And the newborns go through so many stages, right? I remember being so addicted to the Wonder Weeks app with my first, because it, like, kind of tells you, you know, your baby's just learning to open their eyes, so they're seeing the world, So it's overwhelming for them, whatever.

11:37It tells you these things. Since that first baby, I've backed off of that and just been like, this is a moment. This is a phase. It might be an hour. It might be two weeks. But this fussiness is going to pass. This inability to fall asleep without me being attached to them is going to pass. I had such bad postpartum anxiety. I got up and checked on his breathing 20 times a night. I had all the monitors, the outlet on his foot, the camera looking down at him. Like, I had all the monitors, and I realize now that that was perpetuating the problem so much for me. Because I felt like if I wasn't looking at the monitors, then something bad would happen.

12:14And the solution kind of becomes the problem. Yes. Yeah. Yes, because I'd be like, out at lunch, having a really nice time with a friend. The baby would be perfectly happy. And I'd be like, I gotta get home. You know, in 15 minutes, he's gonna be overtired, and then he'll never fall asleep. And I like, wrote this. And then he'd be up all night. And he'd be up all night, and then I'll never sleep, and then I'll turn into a monster tomorrow, and you really psych yourself out. You tell yourself these stories of like, if this happens, that'll happen. And it's usually not true. Yeah. When we're in hypervigilance mode, right?

12:46Everything could be a problem. So everything needs a proactive solution. Yes. God, that's exactly it. I'm happy here with my friend, but this could mean that. And I got into, like, optimizing moments where my baby would be on a playmat. Oh. Perfectly happy. Oh. And I'm like, oh, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go add this thing. I feel like now when I see my mom, I was like, when the baby is happy, sit down. Drink your coffee. Call your friend. Like, no, I wish I didn't. There's so many moments I have to go to your baby. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

13:26One thing I notice with parents all the time, and honestly with myself too, is how often we all just feel depleted. I mean, parenting asks a lot of us. We're making decisions all day, navigating big feelings, and keeping everything moving. It's draining. I want to tell you something I do that both helps me stay hydrated, but honestly also feels like a form of self-care. I always have an element drink mix in my bag. Instead of just carrying snacks for my kids, I go to this when it's 3 p.m., 4 p.m., 8 a.m. and I'm tired and it's something for me that helps me feel taken care of and honestly makes me feel better.

14:02Element is a zero-sugar electrolyte drink mix that helps support hydration without the sugar and artificial ingredients you'll find in so many sports drinks. It is truly part of my daily routine and it makes a difference. If you want to try it, Element is offering a free 8-count sample pack of their most popular flavors with any purchase. Just go to drinkelement.com slash goodinside. Hi, we are launching a new home for the baby years inside the Good Inside app. And later this spring, we have a lot more coming for new and expecting parents. Sleep support, lactation expertise, feeding guidance, workshop tools, stuff for you, stuff for your partnership, and a whole community talking about their challenges and their wins each and every day.

14:46If you're expecting or if you just brought a baby home, I want you to know I'm hosting two free workshops this month. And I really hope you'll join us. The first is called The First 24 Hours Home With Your Baby. Doesn't have to be a surprise. This is so important. I'm doing it with Good Inside Sleep expert Jilly Blankenship. And we're going to give you the honest conversation you need to hear that no one has beforehand. So those first 24 hours feel predictable, which is what makes them feel manageable. That's on May 7th. The second workshop is on May 14th, and it's about your relationship. Because the couple who was fine before baby is often very confused after, and that confusion often surfaces as a ton of conflict.

15:34None of this is a sign that something's broken. It is a sign something has changed. And so we're going to talk about that. And we're going to talk about the very concrete doable things you can do so you and your partner can find your way back to each other. Both of these are totally free. And I want you to be there. They're going to be awesome. The links to RSVP are in the show notes. So come, tell your friends, and I can't wait to see you there. Okay? Let's go. Parents make so many decisions every day. What's for dinner? Where are the shoes? Did anyone brush their teeth? It feels like it never stops.

16:08So anytime something small can become a fun routine instead of a decision, it makes a real difference. It's why I love what Haya does with kids' vitamins. The first box comes with a refillable bottle kids decorate with stickers. So taking their vitamins becomes something they look forward to, not something you have to remind them about. The vitamins themselves are chewable, not gummy, with no artificial dyes and zero sugar. And they're packed with essential nutrients to support growing bodies. And refills show up at your door. which means one less decision and a big win for you. If you want a healthier option your kids will actually be excited about, use the code DrBecky for 50 % off your first order at HayaHealth.com.

16:59Nobody tells you how much of the early weeks is just trying to figure out what actually happened to you. The next interview sits in a similar place, but with very different texture. It's with Leah Smart, a writer, an executive coach, and a first-time mom who came on Rattled to talk about something a lot of new parents quietly carry and almost never say out loud. Intrusive thoughts. Jarring. Terrifying thoughts. Like, what if I hurt my kid? I know that's a hard sentence to hear and it's a real experience for so many new parents in this clip Leah walks me through what actually happened inside her body and brain when those thoughts landed and then we talk about what's actually at the root of it listen for the moment where Leah names that directly and then we reframe the whole thing together this back and forth is what rattled is built for Here's Leah.

18:11I want to actually kind of zone in to a day, to an hour, to a moment where, I don't know, you just still remember it. Something feels like it shifted. It rattled you. Tell me about a moment. When I was about five months, I started having panic attacks going into the subway. And I'd lived in New York for a long time. So this was a new thing for me. And so I was diagnosed with perinatal anxiety. I saw a maternal psychiatrist. Which was, you know, it's funny. I've dealt with anxiety a lot of my life, but this felt different because I was pregnant, because I didn't know how it would impact the baby, because it felt a little more shameful, because no one had ever told me.

18:54I only knew about postpartum depression, honestly, was all I'd ever really heard about. So I was dealing with that. And with that, for me, came something called intrusive thoughts, which is your own fears of the things, basically, that matter most, triggering your brain over and over again and getting you into this, like, really high anxiety mode. And these are, you know, these are tough moments, so I also just want to be thoughtful of people who've experienced them and maybe are just hearing right now what they are. but I found so many women after I'd had my baby in my mom's group, I'm on the committee for a mom's group here in the city, were like, I had these thoughts.

19:37What if I threw my baby out the window? What if I saw a knife and then I hurt the baby? What if I hurt myself? I mean, you know, the what-ifs can spin out of control. And what you learn is, number one, you're triggered by what matters. If I have an intrusive thought that's like, what if I go into a church and scream something blasphemous, but I'm not religious and I never go to church? It'll pass through my mind. If I have an intrusive thought that's about this tiny little being that I just gave birth to with my husband, who I love, and I'm making up that I'm the only person in the world who's ever had these thoughts, it will push you into a different zone, and it can just create more anxiety and create distance between you and the baby.

20:23So first of all, thank you for sharing. Even all that you've shared so far, and I know you know this, but just naming these thoughts, like, what if I throw my baby out the window? You're not the only one. People listening have had that thought. And it really is the story we tell ourselves about our thoughts that determines kind of how we feel after, right? But before we get to all the ways... Like, you learned to tell yourself an understandable, grounding story. Were there hours, minutes, seconds at that time that you couldn't find that story? Oh, my God, yeah. I mean, I had intrusive thoughts before I was pregnant.

21:04So it got worse, right? Because something even more important is being put into the story that didn't exist when I was, you know, single or when I had just met my husband. But yeah, oh, my God. I had... I can remember certain days when I just had space. And so, you know, I do my morning routine, but that was over by 11, right? So by 11, I'm like, all right, you know, what am I up to? And often, again, as I mentioned, my husband was gone on the weekends. So it was up to me to kind of figure out what I wanted to do. And some days I just wanted to be on my own. But some days I was on my own and spinning in intrusive thoughts and going, oh my God, oh my gosh, this is scary.

21:48and I had to figure out alone before I even saw a therapist what it was, what they were. So what does that spot? Just, okay, I'm just going to start with one. What if I throw my baby? Is it, does my heart start racing? Is it, do I start thinking about it? Do I then start saying, what kind of mom has those thoughts? Like if I'm inside your brain and body, what's going on? How could I think that? What's wrong with me? The more that you spin it up and you keep going, oh my God, I can't believe I just had that thought. What does that mean about me? Am I okay? Am I normal? I'm not normal. And that whole thing just keeps going.

22:26And so the more that you spin that up, the worse it gets. It's like telling you not to think about a pink elephant. Right. We're all thinking about it now. So it's the challenges that... But I guess the difference with a pink elephant is, if I had a preconceived notion that thinking about a pink elephant meant I was a bad, awful person, Exactly. Then thinking about a pink elephant not only becomes consuming, but it becomes... It almost starts to inform how I think about my identity. Oh, there's that thought again. I become so scared of the thought. The last time I had the thought when I was putting the baby down for a nap, and am I gonna have the thought today when...

23:05Right, we become... I don't know. Yes. Okay, so tell me. Oh my gosh, yeah. It's the, like, obsession with the thing. Yes. And the obsession is what creates the spiral and really the obsession is about the fear of something happening. It's not wanting it to happen. If you don't want it to happen and you combine that with the fear and the anxiety, you're going to make it big because of how much it matters. And that was the biggest turning point for me was the fears I have are actually about the opposite, wanting the opposite. So, you know, if I fear for my baby or I fear, you know, like, what if I hurt my dog?

23:49You know, whatever. I love my dog. I never hurt my dog. You are not your thoughts. That's right. And you do not... You don't even act on most of your thoughts. What is it? Like, I don't know if the number is still 87 ,000 thoughts a day. Most of them are, you know, repeated, and most of them are negative, and most of them are about you. And so we have a lot of thoughts throughout the day, but most we just kind of let pass through like clouds. And when we really care about something is when that moment is the moment you get, like, trapped. So I had to go find my own answers. And then the days I would spiral, or the times I would spiral, I would use the things I'd found and go for a walk and listen to, you know, a book about intrusive thoughts just to remind myself, oh, this isn't real.

24:38So there's a couple things I want to break down. I don't know why, but it's a helpful comparison. to me. I'm thinking about... I happen to not be too scared of flying, but I know a lot of people who are. And I'm thinking about being on a plane, and someone thinking, I hope the plane doesn't crash. I hope the plane doesn't crash. Right? That thought doesn't make the plane more likely to crash. And that is such a good example of, clearly, you're thinking about that obsessively, because you don't. You want to stay alive. Right? Right? And so, if I bring that back here, I think maybe the difference is it feels so charged with this...

25:12Maybe it's going back to what we started with. You must only have happy feelings about being a mom now. About life. About everything. Exactly. And so, I just want to add it, because I think it matters. I'm thinking about the person listening who took a really long time to get pregnant. Maybe a lot of losses. You know, fertility struggles. Yeah. And then the baby's here, and they have the thought. I haven't thought of throwing my baby out the window. and I'm thinking about, I spent X amount of money. What kind of person, right? And what I love about your framework is, first of all, with our thoughts and the things we say, the truth is rarely in the words.

26:00Like when I say to my husband, you never help with anything. I don't like, it's like anyone knows. If he says, well, I took the garbage out yesterday, I'd be like, this is not a discussion. We're not going here. Trust me. Walk it back. Because what I want him to understand is I'm overwhelmed with that. That's it. And so, I just think, and so when I think, I'm gonna throw this baby out the window, you're saying, that's not the real thing. The real thing is, I love this baby. And it's so precious and vulnerable, and it's in my control. Yes, and that's new. I've never felt all those things at once.

26:39And my body is kind of telling me, whoa, you care a lot. This is new. You're figuring this out. Right? And how that got translated into words, just like in an argument with my husband, gets a little tripped up. Yeah. They say, like, the topic is never the topic, right? So it's like, what's underneath? And you just said, you're like, this is me saying, I need help. This isn't about you don't do anything. This is, I need help. And so there is like a... I mean, everything comes back to you, right? It's like, as we're talking about people who are maybe frustrated with others because they have what they don't have.

27:19It's like, it's really all like, I'm throwing this thing onto you, and then, yeah, I'm getting it mirrored back. And it hurts. And so I have to find a way to get it out without continuing to feel uncomfortable. Yeah. I want to ask you a question about those moments, those intrusive thoughts. How was or was not your partner involved in those? Did you share them? Did he know? How did that go? No. I have the... I'll tell you what this was like, and then I have a really absurd story about it. But I am someone who... The reason I can sit here and talk to you about it today is because it's processed.